About a Boy (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

About a Poker Night

So can I bet, like, half a chip? Okay, Marcus, we've been over this before.
Fractional betting is kind of frowned on by the Vegas set, so why don't you just actually, let's just forget the betting, just declare.
Pair of blacks.
In your face.
Okay, okay, you have right there you have nothing.
For example, look at my trip 7s.
See? Do you get that? I think we both know that I-I don't.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Still nothing from Dr.
Samantha? [Chuckles] It's starting to become depressing.
[Chuckles] Dude.
Dating, like poker, is a game, Marcus, and she plays it very well.
She has waited the obligatory two days to call me back.
I have a lot of respect for that.
And now, we're on our third day.
Maybe you should call her again.
[Laughs] Dude.
You never show your cards, buddy.
I'm just gonna wait it out.
In fact, tonight, when all my friends come over for poker night, I shan't even think about the sexy and elusive Dr.
Sam.
You shan't, really? How are you gonna do that? Easy, easy.
I got good friends, gobs of meat, and a boatload of delicious alcohol.
I have my own challenge tonight, Will.
I'm going to my first sleepover party.
Oh, well, that's awesome, man.
I'm so psyched for you.
Sleepovers are super fun.
Who's throwing this par-tay? This kid Jackson in the environmental club.
- So he's a new friend.
- Potentially.
He says that I crack him up and that I'm the only kid in the club who isn't a total wang.
[Laughter] [Sighs] My standing on the social ladder is at stake here, Will.
One misstep here could completely just shank me off the ladder.
Don't even think about shanking, dude.
It's gonna be so awesome.
- Just a couple of non-wangs - [Knock at door] - Duding it up.
- Darling! You've got to get ready for your big sleep-out adventure.
I've got all your clothes in the big duffel, and then I've got another bag with your healthy snacks, first aid kit, and your dream catcher.
What are you doing? Why are you trying to hide your poker table? It may look like I am teaching your son to play poker, but actually I'm teaching him math.
I'm actually not against him learning to play poker.
I just think the person teaching him should be qualified.
Okay, sweetheart, I am a tournament player.
He's in good hands.
Anyway, long-sleeved footy pajamas, but don't forget how sweaty your feet can get.
And then layers, in case you get too hot.
And this one has a pocket for your inhaler and also your cell phone, should you need to call me in the middle of the night.
Marcus, do not call.
That is a surefire ladder shank.
Darling, whatever your emotional response is, is fine.
If you need to call me, call.
Are you sure you'll be okay, mom? Oh, yes! I mean, it's God knows how long since I've had an evening to myself to do precisely what I want.
Not that I don't cherish every night that we do precisely what you want.
What's on the docket? Are you gonna go big ladies' night, do a little drinking? Well, even better, actually.
I'm gonna dive into a good book, maybe meditate, and then for the piece de resistance, probably strain some curd cheese.
I am so sorry for you.
Yeah, come on, darling.
Let's go.
- Can I just finish this hand? - Yeah, okay.
All right, bring it.
Bring it.
- What do you got? - All in.
Are you sure? Oh, with those cards, yes, absolutely.
I fold.
What do you got? - You have nothing.
- You win, darling.
But how'd I win? It's called bluffing, tournament player.
Come on.
Have fun.
Keep practicing.
Always a pleasure.
Here we go [Brett Dennen's Comeback kid (That's my dog)] Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I already done, don't Here comes a comeback the kid is back, is back on track And there goes my hero he's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and [Cheers and applause] [Knock at door] Who's first, who's first? - Huzzah! - Ho! - It's T.
J.
! - Yes, he is.
- Hey! - Let's get this party started.
Get ready to lose all of your monies.
I am gonna take your money, I am gonna take your pride, but I'm not gonna take your shirt, because it doesn't match my skin tone.
- Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Oh! Look, everybody, Richard's father decided to play poker with us tonight.
Yeah, I just came from work.
It's tax season.
Will, I'm having some lower back issues.
Is there a chair you can recommend? Okay, old man, let me just go grab my lumbar support pillow.
- No need, I brought my own.
- Hey, guys, can we get started? I want to be in bed in time for Colbert - What? - So let's go.
- What are you talking about? - What? I can't party and stay up all night and then jump out of bed like I used to.
- My back is so stiff - Guys That, when I crawl out of bed, it's like a crab walk.
I thought we were gonna get all crazy tonight.
Hey! Who's getting crazy? - Whoa! - Whoa! - Hey! - Cros! This place has been turning into Golden Girls here.
I got money on him that he's gonna turn this lame vibe around, because this man Brought a baby - [Door closes] - To poker night.
Our babysitter had a bad crab cake.
She's all messed up, so had to bring the little lady.
- That - I hope no one's allergic to cuteness.
[High pitched] Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, look at who's here to play poker.
Will say, "Hi, Uncle Will.
" Dude, she's gonna lay down a second.
- Oh, thanks.
You're so helpful.
- [Baby crying] - Hi.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no, no, no.
- She needs the bottle.
- [Baby crying] Bottle, bottle.
Toothpick, I've got a tooth Oh, good, you know.
You have kids [all talking while baby cries] Got it, got it, got it.
You got it? Good, good, good.
What are the blinds, Will, two four? - [Baby crying] - That sounds good, dude.
- [Motorcycle revving] - Psst.
I put your Teddy in the bottom of the duffel.
I won't tell anyone.
- Hey, Marcus.
- Hey.
Okay.
- Hey.
- What's up, man? Listen, I know this is the first night that we've ever spent apart, so forget what will said.
If you need me for anything, anything at all, I'm here.
I am not going to blow this opportunity to expand my friend base.
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm wasting valuable party time.
[The Lumineers' Ho Hey] Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! I've been trying to do it right Hey! I've been living a lonely life Ho! I've been sleeping here instead Hey! I've been sleeping in my bed - Ho! - Sleeping in my bed - hey! - One, two, three I belong with you, you belong with me You're my sweetheart I belong with you, you belong with me You're my sweet Ho! Hey! Come on now Hey! All right, I bet 20 to you, Andy.
So you can fold now, or you can fold an hour from now.
- I will Raise.
- Ooh.
I fold.
Shocker.
Crosby, you're up.
You see this zoned-out look? This is what happens right before she blows mud.
- Oh.
- You might as well [chuckles] It's not it's gonna get ugly.
It's not gonna be solid, 'cause she ate so many apricots.
I'm never eating apricots again.
Can we just play through this? Isn't that what a diaper is for? You know, to contain the situation? We can't play through.
She's gonna be sitting in her own filth.
I fold, and then deal me out.
Deal you out? We're already short players.
Why are you getting so upset? He's not upset about you, he's upset about a woman.
- Andy! - Really? Dr.
Sam won't call him back.
Hold on.
You're in your head about a girl, - and that's why you're - I'm fine.
So Dr.
Sam is blowing off the self-proclaimed king of all women? This is amazing.
I think this is hilarious.
- Appreciate it.
- What, just talk about it.
This poker table is your sacred circle.
- We're all here for you.
- All of us.
Uh-oh.
Okay, I will open up to you guys.
I am upset about a lot of women.
I'm upset about Sam, I'm upset about you acting like a woman, and I'm upset about the infant that is literally taking a crap on my poker table.
That's my fault, I shouldn't have given her apricots.
Will, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I know what it's like to get blown off by women.
Poker chip.
No, I don't.
That was a lie.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Oh, no, me first.
Fussy prostate.
All right, I'm going outside.
Okay, bingo.
Oh! What the hell is happening? [Laughing] Oh, apricot city.
[Chanting plays] [Sighs] [Door closes] [Whistles] [Pants unzip] Will? T.
J.
Who are you? Fiona.
- Are you urinating on my hedge? - Wait a min- Are you British? Wait, say "urinating" again.
Okay, please stop urinating on my hedge.
That is awesome.
Uh, say "biscuits.
" - Biscuits.
- [Lispy] Biscuits.
[Laughter] Accents are hot on girls, man.
I don't know why.
Having fun in there, are you? Poker night? What are you playing, Hold 'em? Stud? - Oh, you play poker.
- I dabble.
Well, you should come join us, because we're about two men short, and I think you would look pretty cute at the table.
Well, I've rather committed myself to the Buddha tonight, but, uh, bonne chance.
Your loss.
Well, no, wait, actually, 'cause, uh, might be quite fun to take some money off Americans.
Low-hanging fruit, etcetera, etcetera.
I don't think we have any fruit in there.
You can't play poker with four people.
- Please? - Will.
Okay, listen to me.
I love you, to death, and I love playing poker here, but that was the second explosion and there's gonna be a third, okay, so please.
Look, look, I will do all the diaper changing.
Just stay one more hour, - and I will do it.
- You're gonna change a diaper? Look, it doesn't even bother me anymore.
- [Sniffs] - Oh, really? That doesn't It doesn't ev Good news, guys.
I found fresh meat.
I heard you were short a player.
- Oh, no.
- Perfect.
Thank you so much.
All right.
I'm gonna grab this.
Will, you're gonna want to crack a window.
- Fiona, hi! - Handy Andy! [Laughs] Yeah.
What happened to your night of straining curd? Oh, it sucked.
Right, what's the buy-in? - Raise 50.
- Whoa.
I fold.
Sucker.
I call your crap hand.
I think you mean my low straight.
- Oh! - Ooh! You have anything else besides this heart attack in a bowl? My arteries are clogging just looking at it.
Eat the napkins.
They're high in fiber.
There's hummus and peppers in the fridge.
- Not in my fridge.
- Afraid so.
I put some in the crisper for Marcus.
You put it in the what? - Thank you, Fiona.
- I love me some hummus.
I'm gonna get my mediterranean on.
Uh, yeah, hummus is from the middle east.
Pretty sure about that.
Thank God.
I need something to coat my stomach from that bowl of death.
Here's the deal, all right? You crashed my poker game, which is an offense to me, but now you're derailing it with farmers' market cuisine, which is an offense to the game of poker.
Does that make sense to you? Will, I think everyone's gonna survive.
Aah, my back! My back is spasming! - Oh, golly! - Ugh, so dramatic.
I can actually help you.
- Hold on.
- Okay.
You're a young man.
- This is a much deeper problem.
- Okay, hold on, hold on.
- Aah! - Got one arm out.
I don't think we should try to fix it tonight.
Now, have you ever done yoga before? No, but I've always wanted to.
Okay, well welcome to the first day of the rest of your life/quest.
Now, on your knees, please.
- Okay, I like this, okay.
- And what we're gonna do is a lovely move called cat cow where you flex your spine up, and then you release it down.
All are welcome to join.
Yeah, I'm in.
Good.
- So flex it up - [Whines] And release it down.
- [Sighs] - Uh oh.
- Oh, you're going to flex it up.
- Up.
- And release it down.
- [Grunts] Down.
Fiona, I've got this nasty shoulder crimp.
Excuse me, people? Hi, we're not here to stretch.
We're not here to uncrimp.
We're not here to get our mediterranean on.
Can we please play poker? [All shouting] Game voice: Touchdown! Yes! Yes! - Touchdown! - Yes! Uh, yeah, that's that's pretty unsafe.
You should probably get down from there.
- That is dangerous.
- [Overlapping chatter] Dude, high five! I knew I could have scored on another play before, but I wanted to dish out maximum pain.
Oh, yeah, that's a strategy I would not second-guess.
No way.
Let's see your moves.
How good are you? I'm kind of digging the whole crowd mentality thing.
You know, like, juke! Juke! Yeah, tackle him! Whoo, yeah, out of bounds! Field goal, yeah! - Really? - Yeah.
When I was at university, we used to play this brilliant game called Oxford stud.
It's sort of like if Hold'em and seven card stud had a baby.
I love babies.
But I just feel like, with this group I do remember that we'd begin every deal by doing a shot, but we can skip that.
- Shots! I'm in.
- Okay.
I'm sticking with beer and American poker.
I haven't actually I don't really drink hard liquor Can you watch the table with that? Anymore.
Methinks the lady will have some hard liquor.
- Oh, do you think so? - Are you doing a shot? - Yeah, I'm doing it.
- One for dad? - Ah! - Aah! Okay.
Oh, namaste! [Laughs] - [Scary music] - [All talking] [Monster roars] [All screaming] Oh, my God, her guts are on the floor! - [Groans] - They fell in her guts.
You watching, Marcus? Oh, yes, this is so fun for me.
- [Monster roars] - [All scream] Oh, dude, that was sick! Yeah! What are what are we gonna do next? Snacks? Build a pillow fort? This is just Mutant Death Squad 1.
Next we're gonna watch 2 and 3.
You know, how about Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2? Like, I read the original source material, and it was it was very good.
That movie's for babies.
- [Monster roars] - [All scream] Right.
Pair of 7s for Handy Andy.
Richie rich is dead and buried.
Bit of a mystery for T.
J.
the DJ.
And, oh, complete bollocks for Wet Willy.
I bet one fiver.
That is so sweet, 'cause you've got absolutely nothing, but you still want to play.
[Laughs] I say we make Fiona permanent dealer.
- Me too.
- Second.
- I'm all for it.
- All right.
I check.
Your bet, T.
J.
I will check to milady.
- All right.
- [Chips clatter] What's your bet, Wet Willy? My name is Will, or William.
- So sorry William.
- [Phone chirps] - Sir William.
- Hey, hey, hey.
No mobile phones at the poker table.
- Come on.
Willy.
Wonky.
Willy.
- _ - Come on, Willy Wills.
- _ Your bet.
- Come on, Wet Willy Willy.
- All in.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
I fold to milady.
It's your bet, Fiona.
You you're really gonna push me all-in? 'Cause if I lose, I'm out.
- Yeah, then you can go home.
- Yeah, but whoa! She doesn't have to go home.
She's the most fun part of the whole night.
- Yeah.
- Do you want another drink? 'Cause I don't know what happened to you.
You got all morose.
Why are you so upset? I'm not morose.
I just want to play poker.
We're having a good time.
I think I've integrated pretty well.
Your friends seem to like me.
- I like her very much.
- I love her.
- She's great.
- Exactly.
No, that's good.
My friends, okay? It's not my fault that your only friend is your son.
No, I mean no, I 'cause I-I'm you don't have to push me.
- I'll go.
- No.
- No! - That's all right, gentlemen.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
I know you're bluffing.
That was rough, man.
Fiona! I actually think I'm gonna hit it too After I get a little cat cow action.
So creamy.
How did you get so good at poker? I was absolutely miserable my first year at university.
And then I stumbled into a poker game, and they were the only nice people, the people playing poker, and then they became my friends.
And they taught me everything.
They taught me how to bet and how to bluff How to love.
- No, they didn't teach me that.
- Okay.
They taught me how to play when you're absolutely trollied.
- Trollied.
- I don't ever do this anymore.
The only time that I get my cards out these days is on a Friday night when I play go fish with my son.
Do you have any Jacks? Go fish.
[Inhales sharply] Ah! All right, your turn.
I fold.
Can I please go home? Do you think I was too harsh on Fiona? I don't think you were harsh enough.
- Really? - Of course you were too harsh.
She was just being fun, and then you couldn't handle it.
It was really weird.
All right.
Poker night's over.
- [Phone ringing] - Mm! It's my mobile, hold on.
[British accent] Ooh, it's my mobile.
[British accent] It's my mobile.
- Ooh, why is that - Why is that mobile ringing? - Biscuits.
- [Laughs] I'm gonna talk about biscuits.
- Ah.
- Hey.
- [Gasps] Shh! Pssh! - Oh! It's my son! Sound sober! - Okay.
- [High-pitched] Hello, darling.
[Whispering] Mom, I cannot sit through another scary movie tonight.
I am not built for sleepovers.
Get me out of here now.
[Monster roars, and woman screams] - Please hurry.
- [Monster roars] Yeah, bye, I'll be right there.
Right, I'm gonna need one of you to drive me to get my Marcus son, and oh, bollocks! [Quietly, with British accent] Biscuits and gravy.
[The Lumineers' Ho Hey] - Hey! - What? - I'm not happy with you! - Ditto.
- But I need your help.
- Now.
- Ha! [Tv sounds continue] Hey! Ho! Hey! We're here.
Uh, go get your kid? Oh.
Ugh.
You okay? Yeah, fine.
Just got to wait for the universe to stop spinning - at such an ungodly speed.
- Mmhmm.
Slow down! [Laughs] [Laughs] Do you know, I'm sorry I ruined your poker night with your mates tonight.
But it was a fun night, wasn't it? The most fun I've had in ages.
It was great to feel like I belonged.
- [Door opens] - Oh, dear.
I don't think he should abandon - the sleepover.
- [Door closes] I don't think that's a good idea.
I think I've got to talk to him.
[Exhales] How's my breath? Honestly, there's not enough mints in the world.
- [Groans] - Get just don't talk.
It's just a bloody mutant war zone in there.
I mean, they are watching things that have no business being called entertainment.
[Sighs] - Why isn't mom talking? - Uh, she she lost her voice being an awesome dealer in poker.
- Yeah.
- Well I know that I may never get invited to another sleepover again, but there is just there's no way I'm going back in there.
C-can we just go home? Uh, Marcus, you know, we're gonna definitely take you home if you really want to go home, but, you know, I think if you try to stick it out, I think you'll be amazed at how cool it feels to belong, you know? But that movie is just so emotionally scarring.
Yeah, um You know, when I was a kid, I was so scared of the dentist.
But then one day I realized, what's the scariest part? It's the sound, you know? And if you get rid of the sound of the drill, it's not that bad.
Take this.
Listen to track 17, and don't judge me for having it on my iPod.
Okay, Will.
Okay ooh, mom, - I think you're falling.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, yep.
Yeah, I just waxed the car.
All right? Okay, bye.
Oh, bloody good job! Oh [Thud] [All screaming] Why aren't we leaving? Let's just give it a few minutes, make sure he's good.
Mm.
Listen, you didn't ruin poker night, okay? I ruined it.
I was just in a bad mood.
You've got lovely friends, though, haven't you? - I do.
- You're very lucky.
Thank you.
You'll have to hang out with us again sometime.
You know, in moderation.
- [Heaves] - Hey.
Look, it's been a couple minutes.
- I think he's gonna be fine.
- [Sighs] Good for him.
And now I'm gonna chunder.
That's British for Yeah, no, I got it.
- Not in the car.
- Oh, okay.
Not in the car, not in the car.
Just out.
Ah! [Thud] [Creepy music, woman screams] [Monster roars] [Hanson's Mmmbop] Ba duba dop ba du oh oh mmmbop, ba duba dop ba du bop, ba du dop ba du bop, ba du Oh, yeah, yeah can you tell me? Oh, no, you can't 'cause you don't know can you tell me? You say you can, but you don't know