Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s02e01 Episode Script

# This wheel's on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode - Tsk, tsk, tsk.
- Tsk, tsk, tsk! You're all tutty, darling! When Patsy comes, I want you to treat her with respect.
Flash, click, click! Flash, flash, click! Guys, guys, guys! Just give me a break, darlings! I have a life to lead! "This way, Patsy"! Fellows, fellows.
Sweeties, darlings.
Just leave me alone.
Flash, flash, flash! Click, click, click! Patsy, Patsy! You all right, darling? - You're not letting this get to you? - Of course not.
- Little bit of Bolly? - Yeah, just a smidge.
Are these today's? Anything in them? Not much, darling, no.
"MP in drug-crazed sex romp shock with fash-mag slag.
" - Damn! - I know.
Well, there is THAT, thank you very much.
You're front page on most, but it has only been a day.
Who could still be interested in reading all this? His wife? Listen, Saffy! I am the victim in this case.
He's just using me for publicity.
He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic face in the papers.
Exactly, sweetie! Patsy's been forced to leave her flat.
Forced? Even the cockroaches left that hole.
They are trying to make out that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, drunken, high-class prostitute.
Pretty accurate so far! Look at this! "4-Letter Patsy in MP sex row"! "Orgy of alcohol and sex near MP's home"! Ridiculous! The bastard scum parasites of the press, darling.
One minute they're scum, the next you're pouring booze down their throats - in the great name of PR.
- Booze, sweetie? Booze, darling? Is that what they call it down the Uni bar? Booze? Is it? Will you be popping in after a day's lecture for half a pint of shandy-booze? Some pork scracklings? Oh, God! "Illicit passion for MP's posh clothes mag gal pal"! "Shocked wife of MP keeps silent"! - BITCH! - BITCH! - "Queen furious.
" That's not you.
- Oh, let them write what they want.
"Continued on page 5.
" I mean, I should just rise above it.
Bastard! No, no, no! What, what? "Close friend " - Further down.
- "Patsy Stone "47"?! I'll sue! - How old is she? - I'm 39.
And I'm an ovum.
Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself with some scrawny old hooker.
Nothing like a good old sex scandal.
A bit more exciting than in my day.
In your day? "Woman shows ankle to chimney-sweep shock"! - You know, in my day - Which century was that? there was a sense of style about the whole thing.
Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies.
Gorgeous women who kept their mouths shut and looked gorgeous.
That's the way I should play it, Eddie.
Not like these tarts of recent times.
Kiss and tell, blurt it all out for the promise of a quick buck.
Not me, sweetie, my lips are sealed.
You'll do "Hello!" magazine, though.
Ooh, yeah! Might as well do it in the comfort of your own home.
Eddie, Eddie! The people from "Hello!" are here.
- Hello! - That's right.
Antonia.
It's interesting! Rustic, ethnic.
Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room? Could you stop that for a minute and help me here? They're all objets from my shop, so keep the price tags showing.
Hello! Magazine is here and I haven't decorated the room.
- Why bother? - Because, sweetie, what you can't tell about a person by what they show on their coffee table isn't worth knicker elastic.
What do you think, darling? Look, look, look! It's an Eskimo papoose.
Any chance of a quick buck in the Arctic, they tip the babies out and ship them down.
I think it's going to be really great if you move into halls.
It takes a little while to get used to it, all the noise and everything.
Like other people coming and going all the time.
- Sounds like home! - You've got to get used to it if you're moving in.
"Moving in"? Would you like another Aqua Libra? I don't suppose you've got any low alcohol cider, have you? No, actually.
I don't drink.
You should give it a try.
It's brilliant! Last night at a party, I drank a whole can! - Now, where am I? - I'm sorry? - Where am I here? - In my gracious drawing room.
No, I mean where is this? Shepherd's Bush? Holland Park! It's not on the outskirts, either.
Not the edge of Holland Park.
This is the rich heartland of Holland Park.
Is the photographer here yet? We never do photos on the same day.
Next week.
70-foot drawing room with west-facing garden.
1.
5 million.
Right.
Let's kick off, shall we? Is it important to have lovely things around you? Yes.
Is it a miracle that you are walking again? It is a miracle that I can walk at all.
I bless the wonder of life.
And the newness of living.
Jed might be around tomorrow night as he and I sort of hang out a bit, you know.
Catching up on lecture notes.
Ooh! No, nothing like that.
I know what you're thinking.
- You may be sorely disappointed there.
- Although, the other night - He got locked up in our part of the hall.
- Poor bastard! And he did have to sleep on my floor, but Only because he couldn't chew through the restraints with his bare teeth.
- Jed's really, really lovely - Could you shut Titicaca up for a second?! Sweetie, hold my hand.
Ow! Oh, that's better! I said you could go to university, darling, not move into the residential home.
I'm only thinking of moving into the halls because it is easier for me.
Easier for you! I can see the headlines now, sweetie.
"Home Alone mother left to fend for herself "while good-time daughter shacks up student-style.
"'I left her with a neighbour and friend,' she says.
" Help Momma, sweetie! Help Momma, darling! Ow! And when will the baby be born? Do you hope to have a big family? Of course! How stupid of me.
Those questions were transparently for a much younger woman! - You're not Annabelle Croft? - No, I'm Patsy Stone.
Stone? Oh! Did your life change much after "Basic Instinct"? Yes? Bonjour.
Oui.
Just Four bloody languages and they can't specialise in one.
Just put me through to Zermatt! - Who are you calling? - My doctor.
He is skiing in Switzerland.
Hello? Philip? Yes, it's Edina.
You know that foot of mine, darling? I just bashed it on the door-frame.
Huh? Oh, God! He just hit the grand slalom.
I can't hear him for wind noise.
- Eddie.
- How did it go, Pats? - Do these work? - For how old, sweetie? - 35.
- You might need a few more for 35.
How much more? A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head.
Yes? Yes? Yes! Yes? Yes, yes.
Oh! Operation? Darling.
Hospital, yes.
All right.
Thank you.
Did you catch that, darling? I've got to go to hospital.
Hospital, Eddie? I'll come with you.
- I'll have to pack and order the ambulance.
- Why don't you take your car? I don't pay huge insurance premiums to drive myself to hospital and not stay overnight, OK? Come on, Pats.
Which one should we go to? Cromwell? Heritage? - Champney's.
- They've got a pool, don't they? Aw! Can you just circle around a bit? Nothing is worse than not seeing the person being put into the ambulance.
What about me? I'm sick too, you know.
OK, OK.
Here she comes! - Excuse me.
- This way, Patsy.
- Patsy, how are you? - Fine.
I'm just here with a sick friend.
- How about an exclusive story? - I've given that story to Hello! Magazine.
- Am I just going to sit here, Patsy? - I'll send someone to get you.
- Over here.
- How long are you here for? - Patsy! - Nice smile.
Excuse me, I'm sick.
No bloody mini-bar! That's hard to credit, isn't it? Let's not have the TV on.
- What is this? Morning television? - Worse.
Mid-morning television.
Patronising women, castrated males and Welsh cartoons till the people who like a gin and tonic get home at 6.
30.
- Gin and tonic, Eddie.
- Gin and tonic, sweetie.
You order it, sweetie.
I'll check out the bathroom.
- Have you got any pain at the moment? - Yes.
Mary! Come in here a minute and look at this! Mother of God! What is it? My daughter could get away with wearing something like this.
Maybe she could, but I doubt if she'd be able to afford it! She's only 3 years old.
Just give us the appropriate drugs and leave the room.
For the laugh you've given us, it's the least we can do.
- How about some distalgesic? - Is that all right, Pats? Wash them down with brandy.
I want a drip and a little heart-bleep machine.
I've seen "Casualty".
I know what goes on.
- Have you any pain? - No.
But I'm still paying.
Have you got any of that stuff they used in "Awakenings"? L-Dopa.
- Two on the rocks and some cigarettes.
- Benson and Hedges or Marlboro? Both.
And bring me the wine list.
Hey! Is that Patsy? Is that her? Hello, dear.
I thought I recognised you.
It's that old slag in the papers last week.
Then there are these lovely recherché Killim slippers.
And chairs I thought might be interesting.
I've got a friend with some lovely chairs in her shop.
- Jocasta? - Yes.
She believes chairs are as important to civilisation as a masterpiece or something.
I wrote it down somewhere.
We could print that up and do some lovely photos.
You'd think they'd send a doctor in by now.
I might be dying here.
Huh, sweetie? Darling, sweetie? Visitor.
Visit, visit! She's got two people with her.
Two.
- Are they Patsy's friends? - No, they're from the magazine.
What's she having done? Must be hard to find a priority on a face like that.
She's having a little face-peel and some eyelid rejuvenation.
- Don't you ever go off duty? - What do you want? More champagne! - Can mine be a Buck's Fizz? - And some nibbles.
- Is this your daughter? - Yes.
Maybe there's a God after all.
- Mary! - Don't you dare! - I demand to see a doctor! - Mr Simpson will be round in a minute.
Mr Simpson! I want a proper doctor who'll take me seriously and give me more painkillers.
- Right, Mrs? - Monsoon.
- I'll be operating on your - Foot.
- Tomorrow morning.
- Hold my hand.
He might be the caretaker.
We could do this under local.
It's not a very serious operation.
Local? Local anaesthetic? Are you mad?! What is this? Eastern Europe? - You wouldn't feel any pain.
- But I'd be able to see it! I'm not totally lacking in imagination.
I want total sensory deprivation and back-up drugs! She's much happier unconscious! I'll see you tomorrow.
I know I should see that lumpy breast woman now, but great friends of mine are having a drinks party.
Face-lift.
Just grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down and chop off the slack.
Oi, you! Bitch-nurse.
I want some more painkillers.
Look, I have two tiny little paraplegics left.
Over an hour ago! I know you've got Valium out there.
Have you tried this? A triple-acting alpha-hydroxy acid natural complex to re-activate your skin, making you scientifically more beautiful.
Sounds good! Dermatologist and opthalomogist tested, non-acnegenic.
I don't know what it means, but it's forcing me to believe it.
If you want a peel, you want full-strength sulphuric acid skin stripper! Gnarled old oak trees have been wheeled into this hospital and gone out as saplings.
Look, it says in the brochure! - Breast enhancement! It's an operation.
- Of course it's an operation! I thought it was just something to do with good lighting! All the fuss about implants! Breasts have been blown out of all proportion.
Who wouldn't put up with a not entirely unpleasant trickling sensation for that amount of cleavage?! - Magda! - Hello, Pats! How are ya? Unlucky business with the MP.
Hello! Should sort that out.
I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about.
This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is.
I want money, money, money.
Spend, spend, spend.
I don't want more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, make-up or tits.
Promoting bored teenagers won't sell a Chanel suit.
- Naw, they're too thin! - Too young! If they get any younger, they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk.
We need new photos of everyone.
Staff, editors and writers.
Stupid bloody idea, but everybody's doing it.
I'll get the Hello! Chap to do a head and shoulders.
I blame the papers, they started the trend.
Journos with egos, I don't like them.
Bad enough having to read the crap without having to look at a photo of the bastard who wrote it.
These are the shots I had done.
It's all in the attitude.
- Who did these? - Bailey, O'Neill and Lichfield.
Couldn't we make a feature? "Our Editor".
Yes, and then we could use all these lovely photos.
- And each week the same with all of us.
- Yes.
Chairs might be nice.
- Are you going? - Yes.
- Home? - No, I'm going to the party at the halls.
- You won't be here when I come round? - For the first time in my life, no.
It's just for the room-warming.
Just don't be happy or pleased or anything.
- You all right, Pats? - Yes, darling.
You? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Not nervous, are you? - Not a bit.
I can't wait.
The day after tomorrow my life begins again.
"Goodbye ageing obscurity", and "'Hello! 'magazine".
Takes more than two of those to knock me - Did you take the pre-med? - She took everything we had! - Come on.
- No! Don't be silly! Now count to ten, slowly.
One She's gone.
Praise the Lord.
Ah, Edina, my dear.
You're awake.
It's sad news, I'm afraid.
The doctors say there is nothing they can do.
Brains is working on the formula, but he may not have enough time.
I'm very sorry.
Your friends and family are here.
Patsy.
Mandy Rice-Davies.
Where's Patsy? No, sweetie, it's Patsy.
This is a dream.
- How do I look, Pats? - Wonderful.
You never seem to age.
I've always been jealous of that.
It's just bone structure, Patsy.
My whole body just hangs off these cheekbones.
Don't die, Eddie! You're my touchstone, Eddie.
I think I should see my family now.
Saffy, darling.
Sweetie, you wore the Lacroix.
I will always wear Lacroix from now on when I'm in town, Ma.
And I've decided not to go to university.
I'm going to bum around Europe experimenting with drugs, wearing flared denim for as long as it's fashionable.
Then take a flat in Paris and just be a famous artist.
And people will know that I owe it all to you.
Thank you, darling.
I know we've had our ups and downs, sweetie, but I'll always sort of love you, you know.
Is your father here? Is Justin here? Papa is just here, Mama.
- Justin.
- You can't die.
You wonderful woman, you.
I won't let you.
- Tell me you're not gay.
- No, I'm not.
I used that as an excuse.
When we split up, I knew I'd never find another woman to take your place.
I didn't want another woman.
I shall be sending a letter to your bitch friends who said "I told you so".
It will be in print in the obituary in "The Times," which they will print by mistake.
Because I'm sure you are going to pull through.
Is my son here? Is Serge here, my pride and joy? He's taking weather readings in the Arctic.
And yes, I faxed the North Pole.
My God! Where are the nurses? Somebody must be doing something! The doctors tried to stop me, but I said, "You give that chick anything she needs!" What do you need? Sex, drugs, rock and roll? Rock and roll.
# Make a stand for your man, honey # Try to can the can # Put your man in the can, honey # Get him while you can Your mother is here.
Yes, Momma is here, Eddie.
What is she doing here? I was just passing, dear.
Goodness, you're looking young.
You hardly seem to have changed since you were a little girl.
Not looking so bad yourself.
I thought you'd be a lot older.
It's my bone structure, dear.
Your whole body hangs off my cheekbones.
- Please! - Come alive! Get off, get off, get off! Mrs Monsoon, how are you feeling? What are you doing here? I was visiting someone from my bridge club, dear, just down the corridor, so I thought as I was passing My foot! I must see the scar.
- Is that it? - Yes.
Wasn't very much in the end.
Not even a toenail.
- What, then? - We removed this.
It's an acupuncture needle, must have worked its way down.
But I've only ever had cranial acupuncture.
Oh! How many organs have been harpooned on its way down there? I'm a needle dumping ground.
Put a bandage on it at least.
Where's Patsy? I'm fantastic.
At her tasteful London home which she decorated herself, I met the lovely internationally renowned fashion director Patsy Stone.
There's nothing I like better than shopping for knick-knacks.
Patsy nibbled a humble salad and sipped an Evian water.
I like to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
It's hard to believe that Patsy is 39 years old.
She looks so young.
PATSY Thank you.
So young.
Thanks.
Young.
Wake up, Miss Stone.
The operation is over.
A complete success.
I'll pop in to see poor old Patsy, dear.
I think I heard them wheel her back in.
Patsy? It's only me.
May I come in? Come in, Mrs M.
I think you're in for a pleasant surprise.
Mrs M? Oh, my God! - Don't leave her here! - Get out! - NHS, NHS! - Eddie! Never mind, darling.
Hey-ho! You're not crying, are you, darling? No, sweetie.
There's a little wound under my eye that won't heal.
The wound on this side won't heal either.