Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e02 Episode Script

Happy New Year

This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode So, what's all this in aid of? It's not Christmas again, is it? - Seems like only yesterday.
- Seems like only last year.
- Well, it's every year, you know, dear.
- It's New Year's Eve.
Should auld acquaintance be - Forgot.
- Yes, never mind.
- There's not much meat on this bird.
- That could have been you, Gran.
- Is there anything else you'd like me to do? - Could you rinse these grapes? - Are these seedless? - Yes.
I like them.
I'd never go back to pips now.
Not after Sainsbury's seedless, no.
Just think of one.
I've got one, you've got to have one.
Hello, darling.
My New Year's resolution, sweetie: To have more fun.
- What's yours, Pats? - I think I'll try to be a little more relaxed.
You? More relaxed? What is that? Dead? Well, that cancels out my resolution.
- What's she doing here? - I thought you knew.
- Where are you going tonight, Mum? - As part of my special New Year's Eve treat, Pats has got a connection that can get us into the hippest club in the universe.
This club is so hip it isn't even a club.
Goodbye Megatropolis ambient house with Red Indian jungle synth.
Catch Mama.
Goodbye Babes in Toyland glam-ram trashy ambient jazz with a Dennis the Menace and a couple of black and whites thrown in, and hello Frankie Knuckles' CD-ROM Dance Happening, darling.
You can forget your Es and you LSDs, there's a whole alphabet of leisure drugs available.
- Where is it? - Underground car park in Romsey.
- I wondered why you weren't in New York.
- That place in New York was all right, but The Karl Lagerfeld bondage rooms at Club 64.
- How did you know that? - I'm still on their mailing list.
That was Patsy's little joke last year.
- Did you get anything from their catalogue? - For whips and chains I'll go to Peter jones.
They'll beat anything, apparently.
You didn't think I'd be here with you, did you? Yes, I did.
I've got Dad and Oliver coming over, and my friend Sarah, whom you like so much, and Gran is going to be here, and everyone was really hoping, Mum, that you would be.
I know they'll be heartbroken.
- Eddie - I'm ignoring it.
So, do stay, but I won't expect you to break the habit of a lifetime.
- Darling, that is unfair.
- Yeah.
- There were times when you were very little - Yes, when - When even a dog refused to babysit.
- Exactly.
And I was forced to see the New Year in with you.
Never! You were always pissed by midnight.
Big Ben counted you out.
- Who's Big Ben? - Let's crack open the Bolly.
- Let's get the evening underway.
- Yeah, come on! So, this New Year thing.
Am I correct in thinking it's when the year goes up one? That's right, yeah.
- Two? - No, only one, dear.
- To 1995.
- I should make a note of that in my pad.
- At what time does it occur? - Midnight.
Because I'm always signing cheques for you with the wrong date on.
- What did she say? - It's clever, though, the way it happens.
Regular, almost like clockwork.
Twelve months go by, "Hello, hello, hello", of their own accord, and behold, another year begins.
It knows what it is, and somehow, as if by magic, everyone in the world knows as well.
The sweet, sad passage of time.
- What is she drivelling on about? - I think she's just clearing a blockage.
She's still again now, I think we're safe.
You, what are you doing here? You can go.
- It'll come to me.
- That'll be Dad and Oliver.
- Hello? Mum, it's Marshall.
- Oh, my God, it never rains but it pours.
Ex-husband flash-flood.
Hello! Where is my son? I told him he should go to you for New Year's, but you know what he's like.
He went straight out and applied for a position in Sarajevo.
Good God.
How are you? I'm having a great time.
No, the animation was not a major box office, but we've gone into turnaround, and as a sidebar, let me say, I've ankled to Disney and we're developing a relationship.
- He's unemployed again.
- Oh, no.
I'm with someone else.
- Describe her to me, Marshall.
- Well, why don't I let her describe herself? Here you are, gorgeous.
Hi, my name is Cherysh, with a "y".
Em I work out in West Hollywood with Lorenzo.
I'm 117 pounds on a good day.
Character-wise, I'm kind of borderline shy/wild.
- I like to surf and turf in that order.
- That's enough now.
Things I like to do: Walk on the beach with wind in my heart and meaningful thoughts in my hair.
I get really distressed by hatred and violence between peoples.
- We should reach our arms out across the - That's enough now, Cherysh.
Because, like the whales, our tongues transcend the wide oceans.
By the way, I do greetings cards and messages for all occasions: Births, deaths, reincarnations, coming of spirits.
Well, that's about it, really.
So, nice to speak with you.
Ta-ta! - Chim Chiminee, old chap! - Give me the phone now, baby.
How come when she put the phone to her ear, all I could hear was the ocean? - I'm speaking on the telephone! - Oh, excuse us! Yeah, Happy New Year.
I'll see you.
- You have a really good sense of humour.
- And you have really great tits.
Thank you.
Excuse me, coming through.
How come all my ex-husbands end up with bimbos? I see you are on castors these days, how cute.
I think they're a great way for hauling around big large hefty objects, don't you? If you'd said that when you arrived, I might have been impressed.
- Can't you take them off? - I'm afraid to.
I put them on on the plane coming home from the Caribbean.
My feet swelled and if you release the pressure they might explode! Ohh! Ohhh! Oh, God! Ohh! Oh, that's all right, actually.
Oh, no! Light legs now, light legs, hang on.
Fabulous, aren't they? Pats gave them to me for Christmas.
I gave them to you for Christmas.
I didn't say they were from me, I just gave them to you.
I love them, darling.
I think they're gorgeous.
- Darling, did you get that lovely little - Harrods hampster.
Darling, the little Harrods hampster - Hamper, yes.
- Hamper, hamper.
Not completely useless, you know.
Which reminds me I know something.
Come to me, come to me, come to me.
You!! have a sister, a sister, a sister We all know that, darling.
I didn't know that.
- Oh, yes.
- There's more.
- She has a name.
- Yeah.
Her name is j j j j j j - jackie! - Oh, God.
- How do you know? I never told you that.
- A sister? THAT I would like to see.
- You can.
She's coming over in a minute.
- In a minute?! - How do you know this? - She taxed while you were on holiday.
- Eddie, jacks taxed the fax - Fax, fax! - Jacks faxed the office she's coming - Oh, not tonight! - She's coming here to see me.
- What for? What do you mean "What for"? It's enough that she's coming here tonight.
- Eddie, she can come out with us.
- Oh, no! - It'll be fantastic, jacks out with us! - This is MY night.
Jackie is fabulous on an international scale.
Wherever jackie is, is the place to be.
The jet-set just follow her like a flock of migrating birds.
The Grimaldis, the Khashoggis, the Van Thyssens, the Rothschilds.
- She must be quite something.
- She is there behind the rich and powerful, beside the rich and powerful, under the rich and powerful.
- Ski-runs in Switzerland - Drug runs in Cuba.
- Eddie! - She's a walking syringe, that woman.
- At least SHE had the guts to do it.
- When did you last see her? Well, it wasn't so long ago, I suppose I remember, dear.
It was when she was with that group.
- What was it? The Beach Boys, The Beatles - It was the Baader-Meinhof! - It must be 20 years ago.
- Well, I can't wait to meet this woman.
First time you ever said that, I imagine.
I hope you are taking her with you tonight.
She's hardly likely to stick around here when Frankie Knuckles beckons! - Does she have to come with us? - Oh, Eddie, it'll be a fabulous night! Jacks with us, she won't be any trouble.
- I promise you that, on my honour.
- Please, please - Patsy's honour? Send out a search party.
Hi, jacks.
Hi, jacks.
Just, you know, hi.
Hi, jacks, just come in.
- Pats! - Jacks.
I didn't recognise you.
You've put on weight.
Come in.
I have some luggage.
- May I smoke? - Darling, you can do anything you want.
Then I needn't have bothered to do that.
So, this is Eddie's place.
Not bad.
Not so vulgar as I expected.
- Do you like it, jacks? - Close.
- What area is this? Shepherd's Bush? - Holland Park.
- Eddie.
Eddie, jacks.
- Yes, I remember you.
Another one who's ballooned.
So, what is it, a waxworks museum? - This, um, this - The House of Wax? We're going to have to help Patsy.
She hasn't entertained on such a scale before.
- On any scale.
- This is my daughter Saffy.
- Never mind.
Too late to flush her now.
- I know.
Hi, I'm justin.
And this is my This is Oliver.
Men, thank God.
There's nothing I hate more than being in all-female company.
Little does she know.
- I'm Saffy's father.
- How sweet to admit to a thing like that.
Is it very bright in here, or am I badly lit? - Oh, my darling, that's not possible.
- No.
Jacks, just have a seat, darling.
We're gonna have a little quick drink and then pop off to this club.
- So, 20 years.
- Is it? - Oh, yes, it was just before our mother died.
- Yeah.
- How was the funeral? - Oh you know, not bad.
- She was dead, wasn't she? - Yes.
- Then it was great.
Any of the others there? - No, I was the only family.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing, I didn't expect you to be there.
How many are there? I don't know much about Patsy's family.
Why should you? You deserve to be kept in the dark.
My God, if you were mine, I'd go one step further and put a bag over your head.
- I'm going downstairs.
- Can't take the heat? She puts you in the shade.
You're a very poor reproduction.
So, how many of you are there, brothers and sisters? Nobody knows.
Our mother gave birth like a giant sprinkler, scattering bastard babies to the four corners of the globe.
How nicely put.
- Do you did you have the same fathers? - No one knows.
Mother was such a slut.
They could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France.
She was the entertainment.
- Before slot-machines.
- She WAS the slot-machine.
So, who's the older, I mean, the big bigger sister? I am.
- So - Well, you both look so great.
How old are you? - I'm 41.
- I'm 39.
Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom a moment.
Upstairs to the left, don't just wander about.
- Well, I think she's wonderful.
- Wonderful.
God, you two are so predictable.
A bitch with a drug habit and you're anybody's.
Marlene and judy rolled into one for you, is it? - Get her to tell you the Dietrich stories.
- No, no, darling! She does the whole of Carnegie Hall, we'll be here all night.
You are clever doing all this.
It's not all me, the salads are Delia Smith's.
Does she know you've got them? Anyway, I prefer to stay down here, out of the firing-line.
- In the trenches? - Yes.
- Anything I can do, dear? - No, thanks, Gran.
- You still here? - God, she's gone to the toilet again.
- I can't believe what that woman said to me.
- She is witty, I'll give her that.
What gives her the right to treat people like that, Mum? She's thin! - You OK, jacks? - Yes.
You've got everything you need? I've got a stash if you need something softer.
Toilet paper? No, a little something next time you need to use the bathroom.
You know, freshen up a little.
Oh, no, darling, I don't do that any more.
I just needed the loo.
I have a little bladder problem at the moment.
Do you have anything to eat? - To?! - Eat.
- But, jacks, we're just about to go out.
- I have to eat something.
- Eddie? - I'm ready to go.
Where are my cigarettes? Yes, we'll be going soon, but there's no rush about this.
This is not the sort of club you arrive at early.
Let's be cool about it.
- The thing is that jacks - Oh, jacks what, jacks what? I am feeling a little peckish.
So, have you got any of those food things? Oh, cheers.
- Are you all right, darling? - Yeah.
- Happy New Year's Eve! - Sh! Happy New Year's Eve.
- Are you all right, Gran? - Oh, yes, dear.
So, who are we this evening? It's just us, Dad and Oliver and Sarah.
Oh, I was rather hoping you'd start with me, dear.
Who am I? Is it a book or a film? - What pills are you taking, Gran? - Only these, dear.
Oh, merci.
- I have a theory that all English men are gay.
- If only! - I'm not English.
- Aren't you? - No, I'm Canadian.
- My God, you'll admit to that as well.
Well, the midnight hour creeps closer.
Do you have any resolutions, jackie? I think just to resist the surgeon's knife for yet another year.
So, you two are in antiques.
You know, I don't know very much about antiques.
The only Chippendale I ever sat on had two legs.
- She's eating pot-pourri.
- Let her.
- Jacks, crisps are here, darling.
- I know, they're disgusting.
- Don't you have any decent food in the house? - No.
Apparently, Faye Dunaway had her favourite dog made into a pair of boots when it died.
That's nothing to jacks.
She had her second husband made into a cagoule when he died.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
A cagoule? Who ever heard of such a thing? It was a small-waisted evening jacket with Chanel buttons.
As in life, he was a tight fit that never suited me very well.
- Has everybody finished? - Yes, it was wonderful.
- Such food is one reason why I live in France.
- Stay there.
Excuse me, I just have to go to the bathroom to touch up something.
- Come on, let's go while she's in the toilet.
- Eddie, Eddie! She's just warming up, she's doing a little pick-me-up.
Eddie, come on.
You remember that fantastic song by jacques Brel.
- It was written for her.
- No, it wasn't.
And if someday I should become a singer with a Spanish bum Stop it! Stop it, you worship that woman.
Hey! Aaahhh! Someone's yacking up in the toilet upstairs.
Can you get them to stop, we can't hear the telly.
Oh, my God! How else do you think she stays so fantastically thin? It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
I mean, royalty, for God's sake, you know.
I'd do it if I still could.
- Why can't she? - She had a bypass.
- A heart bypass? - Stomach, darling.
Have you everything you need, jacks? It's just that we should be on our way if we want to make a night of it.
No, darling, you go without me.
I'll stay here.
I'm just looking for some hand cream.
- It is a pretty fabulous place.
- Pats, I'm too tired.
But it's been very nice to see family again.
It's good to see you again, jacks.
Thanks for taking the time to drop by.
It's nice to see you too, Pats.
I like your hair.
- Do you? - Yes, it's lovely.
Well, it grew back pretty well, actually.
- Kids, huh? - Yeah.
- And sisters.
- Yeah.
- But you were always the lucky one, Pats.
- Lucky? Well, yes.
I know you ended up a childless spinster, but at least our mother loved you.
- Did she? - You went to live with her, didn't you? She sent you to school, didn't she? By the time I got to kindergarten I was bigger than the teacher.
But, darling, you went.
My God! I was ripped from her body and thrown into the Paris gutter.
She didn't give birth, she had something removed.
"Take it away and bring me another lover.
" Exactly.
- That was MY birth.
- Darling, she only had one story.
Pats, you've done all right, you've got this friend.
- You've got the life! - Yes, but darling, listen.
- You've got your friend Eddie and this house.
- Yes.
I don't think Eddie likes me.
Don't worry about it, jacks.
Why should you care? - She likes you, though.
- Do you think so? Do you think Eddie would mind if I stayed here for a couple of months? - What? - I don't have anywhere to live at the moment.
- Ask her for me, will you? - But jacks, what about Paris and St Tropez? Darling, that was 20 years ago.
The wives got the houses, not the hookers.
I need some money and a place to live.
I've got this little scheme going with a friend in France.
Until it gets underway, I need some help.
- A little scheme, a little something - A little refuge for stray cats and dogs.
Yeah, sure, like for cats on crack.
No, Pats, for cats and dogs.
Oh, no, no, jacks.
Not the woman who smoked opium with Chairman Mao and Che Guevara.
The little unwanted ones.
Who was there when Nureyev defected, who introduced jackie to "O"! Some of those little guys have only got one eye.
Who made Dylan go electric.
This woman does not run a pet hotel! Oh, darling, if you could only see their little faces.
Oh, no, jacks! No!! Mum, why don't you come upstairs and watch TV with us? Because I should be having fun! Come on, jacks.
Remember how it used to be.
Everyone gets tired, but just have a little sniff and you'll be OK.
Darling, I just have to get the suitcase now.
Jacks, remember Brel and Serge Gainsbourg.
Those guys didn't even get out of bed till 2 a.
Remember, you used to say "Never conform".
- Look at my little baby.
- Siamese cats? You used to wear those, jacks! You used to say "Heighten the contradictions".
There's a whole night waiting to be lived.
If I could be for only an hour Cute, cute in a stupid-ass way Come out with us tonight.
I can get you drugs, I can get you surgeons, I can get you money.
- We have our whole lives ahead of us, jacks.
- Pats I'm 72.
Oh, my God, what does that make me, then? Eddie? She is still here, and so am I.
You have failed on all counts now, Pats.
This is going down as the worst New Year's Eve on record.
I am now being taken into the sitting room to watch the New Year in on telly.
That, in my book, darling, is about as low as you can go.
I'm sorry.
I just can't believe that you value that tight-assed, viper-tongued, thin-lipped, talking hypodermic over our friendship, darling! I don't, Eddie.
It's just that she's got me in this moral dilemma.
- Pats.
- Yes, Eddie.
You have no morals.
Still I would sing my song to me about the time they called me Jackie If I could be for only an hour If I could be for one hour every day If I could be for just one little hour A cute, cute in a stupid ass way.
And if I joined the social world Became procurer of young girls Then I would have my own bordellos My record would be number one And I'd sell records by the ton - See you, jacks.
- Yes, see you, Pats.
Thanks for everything.
I shall be at Claridge's if you need me.
OK, babe.
Here you are.
No, no, no, darling, I don't do that any more.
Take it anyway.
Do me a favour, go out with a bang.
Look, Pats, my little darlings.
Eddie, she's gone.
We can go.
- Sh, sh.
- Eddie, Eddie, she's gone.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
That's it, then, I'll be off.