Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e01 Episode Script

Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Salute the sun.
Salute the sun.
Salute the sun.
Child.
Child.
Darling, can you help me? - What? - Come and help Mama, sweetheart.
I want to change position.
My foot's wedged up my lower chakra.
oh! Still, never mind.
Couple of weeks, I'll be bendy like Madonna.
Able to kiss my own arse from both directions.
Look at this one, darling - corpse.
In my dreams.
Om! Om, om! You're not supposed to inhale your oms.
I can inhale my oms if I want to.
I can pull them in and push them out wherever I want.
Darling, did you know that yogis can breathe through any orifice? They can be buried for 40 years, darling, breathing through a straw sticking out of their pundada.
This kitchen is filthy! What did you do to it last night? Will you stop clearing it up, darling? I'm trying to Jamie Oliver it up a bit.
Ad me mates around.
Burnt pork chops, fresh 'erbs, fresh 'erbs! Oing down the dogs.
Will you stop that? I've got a meeting here.
You are going to work today? Yes.
Someone's got to, haven't they? Will you check on my webcam and see if Bubble's in the office? Do it yourself.
My hand's still bad.
I don't know what it is.
I think I might have trapped a nerve.
This is my new website, darling.
I've diversified.
I'm a multi-tasker.
It's the new thing - fashion, PR, design.
I've got a TV production company.
got my fingers in lots of pies.
Darling? Eddie Pie ands! You haven't produced anything.
Oh, but I am a brand.
I've been branded.
Like some old heifer! Anyone can shove an antenna up their bum and call themselves a channel.
Oh, look.
Look at that.
What's she doing? What's she doing? It's ridiculous.
I paid thousands to have that updated.
- What am I paying Damon for? - Mum, will you please just go? All right, sweetheart! I've just got to call my life coach, darling.
got to get my daily aim.
You should try it.
I've got my two life aims, you know? - Yoga is one.
You are witness.
- What's the second one? Christmas with Sting and Trudie Styler.
hello.
Julia? Edin have a great idea and write a pop song.
Thanks.
I've got to have a great idea and write a pop song.
Can't be hard.
- Ey, baby - not here.
not here.
I've got a meeting here.
You've got a meeting.
not another of your committees? Your voluntary unpaid committees.
What have you done since the Body Zone? nothing.
Slave labour for new Labour you are.
I am getting a job.
That's the meeting.
- Paid? - Yes! good.
Frankly, darling, I don't mind subsidising some fat old couch potato who wants to sit around reading magazines all day.
In the business I'm in, we need that kind of person.
But when somebody deliberately over-educates themselves out of the possibility of useful employment, I take issue.
You can tell that to your new improved sparkly Labes.
If I get the job, I'm out of here, that's my life aim.
Christ! I thought we left her in the last millennium.
Is there no justice? - Another sponger.
- What a night I've had! I've taken up guacamole.
guacamole, dear.
It's very sexy.
You mean salsa, gran.
She knows that.
She knows.
I thought that was a dip.
She knows.
It's salsa! She's just doing it to annoy you.
I know that.
I've got enough years under my belt to know that.
You're calling that "years" now, are you? I thought you were preparing for a hard winter.
Stop her! They used to predict the weather by you.
"She's designed for hibernating," the neighbours used to say.
"Stock up with coal if you can't see her nose by October.
" I know I shouldn't laugh, but really.
- Oh, what's this? - Be careful, gran.
Be careful! This is a new kitchen.
There's a vegetable place and a meat place.
Bleed on the meat place.
I don't want it splattered with your liver spots like 101 Dalmatians.
You used to have one of these when you were a girl.
Yeah, but I was never allowed on it.
You were too big for it.
You wobbled.
The scooter wobbled! - If you say so.
- I have perfect balance.
Look.
Wheels don't buckle on their own.
See that? now you know why I have to take it out on you, darling.
Cycle of abuse, isn't it? What job is it you're getting, darling? - It's a government initiative - government! for the promotion - Oh! of British arts and culture abroad.
British arts and culture, is it? British.
Is that the new PC, flagless, sexless, OK, anodyne, milky-white British new Labour brand? What are you doing? I've come to pick up my Es.
I'm a silver surfer.
not on my waves you ain't.
get off.
Then I thought I'd do some shopping.
Oh, god.
no wonder all the dot coms are going under.
It's mainly oldies who shop on the web.
Virtual shopping for those with no grip on reality, isn't it? What is my e-mail address? "Old woman at risk of being strangled by daughter.
Com"! Eddie! Eddie, prepare yourself.
Pats, Pats, Pats.
goody.
- What's happened to your face? - Darling, I told you.
- god, that's fabulous, darling.
- Did it last night.
Doesn't it take a couple of days to kick in? This is the business.
I got it from my friend at the lab.
What's happened to your face? Darling, she's just had a bit of botox.
O, it's not botox.
It's parralox.
- You look like a zombie.
- She still has emotions! She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles.
- I'm happy.
Can you tell? - no.
- Money well spent, Eddie.
- I'd say, yeah.
Did you test it? how did you test it? have you seen her hand? I mean, do you know what that stuff is? Darling, it's natural.
Fresh from the jaws of an anaconda, isn't it? It's a chemical weapon! They make it at Porton Down.
It's developed for use in Iraq.
Why shouldn't we share our beauty secrets? If it's good for Saddam, it's good for us.
I mean, who wouldn't risk a little dose of gulf War Syndrome for a wrinkle-free hand forehead, sweetheart.
You look like a haggis with pointed toes.
A tight bladder skin holding together rotting old offal.
Your father was always partial to a bit of that.
Is this your idea of cheating death, by embalming early? Self-emtombment, available at a cosmetic surgery near you.
Well, have you finished? Right.
- We don't have to go to a surgery? - no, it's only a needle.
You don't need an O-level to operate a syringe.
There'd be a social revolution if you did.
- Yeah! - I've got to get dressed.
HI! I'm Katy Grin and these are carpets! Come down now to Carpet Madness! It's carpets! It's madness! Carpet madness at Carpet Madness now! Just carpets! It's madness! Madness now! Sale starts Friday.
Did you know Katy Grin is Bubble's cousin? - Who? - Katy Grin.
My new TV partner.
Mum? Come here.
Don't get your face paralysed.
Promise me.
Yeah.
I promise, darling.
I promise, darling.
- Not that I care.
- Understood.
We'll need to pick up a couple of syringes.
No, darling.
I don't think so.
Clean ones, Eddie.
New ones.
Oh, Eddie.
Eddie? What, darling? Do you want the toilet? No.
Where's the car? Chris, is this for me? Where's the? Did Bubble order this? I'll call Bubble.
Sending a little Munchkin car.
Are you coming, Chris? You'll have to get in the back, Pats.
Ow, ow, ow! I'm going to call Bubble.
This is ridiculous.
No higher with your stiletto.
Just keep your legs in the back.
- This is perfectly ridiculous.
- I've got it now, Ed.
- Half car! - I'm quite supple.
Hey, baby I'm just driving down the road Looking Driving down the road Looking at the things Looking at the people, looking at the road Looking at the handle on the door - not very catchy, Eddie.
- No, it's not.
- I'm here! - Your empire awaits! ha ha! I was driven here in a liquorice allsort.
I think I've got deep vein thrombosis.
- We've been pointed at all the way.
- It's your promotion.
The Air Aware Week.
Clean up the atmos! That's your promotion.
Oh.
Well, where is everybody? They're waiting for you in the TV meeting.
- Oh.
- The drain storm.
You don't have to do that.
What is that? Charity, charity, charity.
Every abnormal skin cell now has its own première.
Look at this.
Celebrity fun run for anyone who can't form a scab.
And meeting with Twiggly.
Oh, and you're on Richard and Dudey tomorrow morning.
- Richard and Judy? - To push the Radical Gay Pride.
Richard and Judy.
Fist Across America.
Richard and Judy? I know them.
We stayed friendly.
- I should be doing that.
- They wanted me.
- But it's a TV thing.
- It's a PR thing! - You on TV, Eds? - Yes.
Eddie Pie Hands.
- I think you'd better - o.
Ow, get these off to the nanny, will you? And tell her that if he doesn't stop crying, she can take him to the doctor.
How can a baby cry like that? Is that a cigarette? And booze! Oh, come on, partner! Let's get some TV on the road.
Come on.
Put it out.
- I hate smoking.
- Five minutes.
I'll be back.
Well, this is very nice.
Yes.
It's my mother's.
I'm just here until I can afford to leave.
Wanting to shake off the shackles of privilege.
But no, it's OK now.
You're allowed to be rich.
In fact, I think we encourage it.
Well, I'm not a champagne socialist.
Bolly Bolsheviks! I don't even drink.
Gran, I think you should go.
That's my gran.
She's not dependent.
Great to see a Um - Older person? - Yes.
Couldn't think how we say it now.
Yes.
An older person using all the new-fangled technology.
I think I'll leave that now, dear.
It does get a bit boring.
Oh, I know.
Once you're stuck in a porn cycle, you can be there for days.
go home now, gran.
go home.
good luck, dear.
he's very nice.
- Is she here? - She'll be out in a minute.
Am I blinking? - Botox? - No.
Parralox.
Well, does exactly what it says on the tin.
And put more into production.
Put them on the website.
Things for Twiggy.
Quiz for Twiggy.
Twigs for quigly.
Twiggy.
- Hello, darling.
- This is why I've come.
Since I took you on, nothing has happened.
You promised me TV vehicles, but all I've had are black and white cabs at my door day and night.
It's Bubble.
- A quiz, yeah? - Yeah.
I quite like that.
What else? Come on, you've had months! Look, darling, I thought a change of tack here.
Change of image.
Radical Gay Pride.
Fists Across America.
You are a gay icon.
- Am I? - Yeah.
- Damon! - Coming! Twiggy.
Anyway, it's Richard and Judy, darling, tomorrow, with me.
Oh, I don't know.
They wanted Kylie and I said, "No.
Twiggy.
She's got class.
" Well, I have.
She doesn't have to wear microshorts wedged up her chocolate starfish.
No.
Free car.
All right.
I'll do it.
I know Richard and Judy, so let me do the talking.
You just sit there.
OK.
I'll get the details to your people.
- See you down the late Bar later.
- All right.
Twiggy! How are you, darling? - Sorry? - Katy.
We did the lottery show together.
You released the balls.
Twiggy! Put our name on the door at the late Bar.
Put your name on the door.
Do a bit of shopping, go home and change, go to the late Bar.
- That's great.
- That stuffs kicking in.
great.
Rgreat, Eddie.
Thank you.
Do you think you're going to take that job? Well, if it's offered, yes, which I think it will be.
he said it's unusual to find someone with all the qualifications and no home commitments.
I think he liked you, if you know what I mean.
- I don't think so.
- Oh, yes, he fancied you.
No.
I don't think so.
I've touched a nerve.
Saffy's got a boyfriend.
Saffy's got a boyfriend! You're going red.
Do you want to kiss him? Do you want to sex him? Sorry.
Twiggy has put my name on the guest list.
Twiggy! Put my name on the guest How do I know I'm not on the list if you won't show me? Who do you have to be to get a drink here? Excuse me.
I, Paul.
Victoria! Victoria! I know I know her mother! We'll go round the back.
Go round the back to the toilets.
Candy will let us in.
Candy Bender? She said she'd be in the right-hand cubicle.
She should be here.
All right.
On one condition.
You have to take Fisty when I go to Barbados.
Goodbye, Minge.
Thanks, darling.
- Have you got my stuff? - Yeah.
Stuff for Candy.
Don't know what's happened to our membership card.
Vomit on the left, Pats.
Who were you talking to? My schoolfriend Minge.
- Oh, Minge.
- Know what she wants me to do? She wants me to invite Vic Hervey to her 21st bash.
As if I'm not enough.
I mean, I'm an IT girl, aren't I? - What's the criteria? - You have to be an IT.
Oh, yeah.
- There we go.
Come on, Pats.
- I've cancelled a cancer ball.
Twiggy! Darling, I'm just going to get a drink.
Are you going to the Black and White Ball at the In and Out Club for Minge's 21st? - What? - The Black and White Ball.
- Where? - The In and Out Club.
- Who? - Minge! - I don't think so.
- Bitch! Twiggy! Twigs! You didn't put our name on the door.
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
- Where are you going? go, stay.
- What? It's really late.
I think I'm going to go home.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? What? - Richard and Judy.
I'm doing Richard and Judy! Will you be all right? - Yeah, I'll be fine.
- Will she? - Yeah.
- See you at Richard and Judy.
Sparkle! Sparkle! Eds, I can't open my - It's just a little - Very good.
- It's just that - Very good.
That's better.
So a job in the arts.
Does your mother know you write plays and things? No.
She wouldn't be interested.
You are to say nothing! I don't speak to her.
Not since she gave me that chemical peel.
- Well, not so much chemical.
- No.
And not so much peel.
She set fire to your pigtails.
It's a good job I'm thick-skinned.
Except for this shoulder.
Was your therapist any good? Yes, really nice.
It was actually quite helpful.
You should go.
No! Never! I don't need any help.
I can sort myself out.
You've got to get out of here.
I love it here.
I love you actually.
I do.
I think you're fantastic.
Hey, Michael, Michael.
Give me a kiss.
- Get off.
- A little kiss, Michael.
Security! Hey I was going to give this one to J.
Lo.
This could do something for you.
Yeah.
OK.
Oooh, baby So not "ey, ooh now"? Oooh Looking at something outside Security! Should it go like that? I think we should.
Attica and Chinawhites? Cabaret.
I've got you, Eddie.
Don't go that way.
We'll see those bouncers.
Oh, that's where that vomit Eddie, Eddie.
Oh, all right.
Oh, god, honestly, darling.
I mean, that club, that club is just full of people Just 'cause they're on TV they don't have to go out through the vomit.
They're famous people, yeah.
You're on TV tomorrow, Ed.
- TV tomorrow.
- get your face out there.
I could do that, couldn't I, darling? I could do that.
Don't let Twiggy do the talking.
I could do that.
I could get my own style challenge show, couldn't I? You've always been style challenged.
But TV puts on two stone.
Every wrinkle turns into a Grand Canyon.
Eddie, I think No, darling.
I think Eddie, I think.
Oh.
I'm going to be a star.
Just give me five minutes, Eddie, will you? get a drink, sweetheart.
See you in five, Ed.
Mum, come here.
I want to look at you.
Had a great day, darling.
Life aims, daily aims.
- All complete.
- Come here! What? This? Always the little policeman, aren't you? Well, not for long.
My job interview went very well, so you'd better get used to the fact that I'm not going to be here.
Oh, good.
Because if I'm going to be a celebrity, it would look pretty sad to have some big daughter still at home.
Unless you've got M.
E.
We need a break, don't we, darling? We need a clean break, you and I.
Remember to empty all your ashtrays.
- Don't sit on your feet any more.
- I won't, darling.
I'll set up a food delivery service for you on the Internet.
Yum yum.
I'm going to bed.
You won't be here tomorrow? No, darling.
Tomorrow, no.
I'm fisting it on Richard and Judy.
Tomorrow I begin the harpoon ride of my career.
Eddie! OK, Eddie.
It's not going to hurt.
- I'll go to sleep.
- All right, darling? - Yeah.
- Little jab.
Did you feel it? No, nothing.
Oh, that's the pillow.
It's just going in now.
- Ooh - It's all right, darling.
I'm going to concentrate on the nose and lips.
That's where we want to see it.
There, darling.
That's good, darling.
I think we'll put a little bit here because that's where There we are, darling.
That's good, darling.
And up here.
That'll stun out those lines, darling.
And er Oh, it seems to have gone.
I'll mix up some more, Eddie.
I'll mix up some stronger.
Stronger round here.
Stronger around here.
- Well - I can go at the drop of a hat.
- In fact, I could go now.
Please.
- Well The job is yours.
I knew it! Brilliant! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thanks! Oh! This whole initiative is really close to Tony's heart.
Yes.
Actually, Tone said he'd love for you to have dinner with him and Cherie at The Ivy one night.
- If he can make it.
- Oh, yes.
- Cherry is my - Sorry.
It's Cherie.
- Oh, yes.
- Sorry.
She's my role model.
My god, this woman needs help.
No, no! Saffy, help Mummy help Mummy.
You don't understand.
She's not normally like this.
She wants you to help her.
There's nothing the matter with her.
But she's a She's a Oh, Christ! What do we call people like this? She's not! She's just doing it for attention! I'm very sorry.
No, I really am sorry.
I didn't mean to hit her.
I just Please.
Oh, please help Mummy.
help Mummy.
Stop it! Stop it! It was the injections.
You can stop now, he's gone.
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode.
I told you that stuff was dangerous.
She shouldn't have gone to sleep.
It sunk.
She loves the bracelets.
She's looking at the diamonds.
Are you looking at my diamonds? You've got taste.
You've got lovely little socks, haven't you? - We've an interview to do.
- Let's bring Twiggy in.
She likes you too, Judy! Would you like to hold her? - I'd love to.
- Yes, you hold her.
- Of course.
- All right, Mimi.
All right, sweetheart.
Haven't you two done well? I mean, how do you keep it up? I really don't know.
Oh, don't start that! Sit up! Shut up! This wheel shall explode.
Ziggy played guitar!