Absurd Planet (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Weirdness blows my hair back.
Craziness is my raison d'être.
So let's once again, don our tinfoil-hats, and bark at the moon.
Hoo Wait, I mean woof! Nature is stranger than fiction, y'all.
Time for my even stranger-er things, on our Absurd Planet! It takes a face-melting amount of determination to survive out here in the desert.
And in sub-Saharan Africa, the harsh conditions make for some symbiotically strange bedfellows.
A deep-fried squid pro quo, if you will.
I've often pondered, how much ox would an oxpecker peck if an oxpecker could peck ox? The answer? All the ox! And some giraffes, rhinos, and zebras.
Call these little birds the Green Bay Peckers, because they play the field.
Typically, the oxpecker will locate a tick-riddled mammal, and then dine out in Flavortown.
They'll pick away at pests from inside of their host's nose Mm, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.
Num-num-num-num, boogie, boogie, boogie.
ears Mm, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax.
and around their eyes Crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust, crust.
and deeper within their fur.
Fur, fur, fur.
In the end, both go home happier and healthier.
Hey, Carl! Whaddya got cookin' down there? I don't know, but this guy's nose sure tastes funny.
The following is an announcement of the absurd alert emergency system.
If you are an insect or a small frog in the South Carolina metropolitan area, please pay attention to this message.
There are widespread reports of carnivorous plant sightings.
The Venus flytrap is found in sandy and peaty soil that is poor in nitrogen and phosphorous.
To make up for the lack of nutrients, they rely on supplements from unsuspecting bugs.
When an insect makes the mortal mistake of triggering the sensitive hairs, it takes just one tenth of a second for the jaws of death to close.
In five to twelve days, the trap will then open, to reveal the remains of its murdered munchable.
Don't be ignorant.
There's absolutely no reason to crawl inside the mouth of a Venus flytrap.
Learn to adapt, don't get trapped.
Respect the laws, avoid the jaws.
Since the invention of the Internet, one coddled creature has solidified itself as the undisputed emperor of adorable animal memes.
Helloooo, kitties! But sorry, all you smug, overrated tabbies, the time for a strange change is right "meow.
" Introducing the newest viral animal craze Move over cat memes, it's time for Bat memes! Why did anyone ever think the "hang in there" cat was a good idea? No offense but cats aren't exactly known for their hanging ability.
It's bats that hang, man! Bat memes! Bats sleep hanging upside down so they can easily take flight and escape predators.
They also have one-way valves in their arteries that prevent blood from flowing backwards.
That's how they're capable of hanging for hours without blood rushing to their bat brains.
Bat memes! And move over, laser cat! For some reason, people have spread a bogus belief that bats are as blind as a bat.
Not to "batsplain" here, but they actually have really great eyesight.
They can even see in the dark.
Some would even say they have laser vision! Bat memes! And finally pack your bags, keyboard kitty.
There's a new rock star in town.
Bats have tremendous hearing abilities, and use echolocation, which helps them navigate dark caves.
Those killer ears make them amazing keyboard bats.
Oh.
And I'll let you cats keep the grumpy one.
Yep! If we're gonna live on this absurd planet, we're gonna need an absurd leader to run things.
So, welcome to election day in Borneo.
Hello, world.
I'm Stan the proboscis monkey, and I'm running for president of the Absurd Planet kingdom.
I can guarantee you, my constituents, I will win the swing vote.
And like some proboscis monkeys, I've been known to swing both ways! Proboscis is defined as an elongated appendage from the head of the animal.
So I have no idea why they call me the proboscis monkey.
But enough of the funny stuff.
Here are the cold hard facts.
In high school, I was voted most likely to have a nose that looks like Paul Giamatti's banana.
Talk about a hanging chad! Hold for laugh.
Proboscis monkeys are known for our epic vocal honks.
And boy, can I honk! President Hunky Honker.
Write that one down.
Animal experts have called my vocalizations a cross between an elephant learning how to play trombone and Dame Judi Dench stepping on a Lego! So, take a stand with Stan! I'm Stan the proboscis monkey, and I approve this message.
Madagascar is nuts! Eighty percent of the island species are endemic.
Meaning, you can't find them anywhere else.
And some of these little guys are so weird, you'll think you're in TheTwilight Zone.
This is a brookesia chameleon, found in the islet of Nosy Hara.
It's the smallest known chameleon on Earth.
Due to their micro size, they are incredibly hard to locate, but because they sleep so deeply, they are incredibly easy to pick up.
Hi, little guy! I'm awake.
Whoa! Someone's due for a manicure.
Couldn't have washed your hands first? Whoa! Deeper voice than I expected.
Whaddya need? I'm getting ready to play volleyball down at the Y.
Wait,volleyball? But that's a sport for tall creatures! Dude! Get a grip.
I'm, like, the tallest chameleon on the team.
Oh yeah, I guess size is all relative.
Yeah relative.
Whatever.
Don't you have somewhere else to be? Stop talking and turn out the light! Whoa! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the yellow fingernail.
I think we all agree I am a highly creative deity.
Stipulated.
But when it comes to populating Earth with wonderful beasts, I only make 'em.
I don't name 'em.
And crikey! You guys are weirding me out with some of your impossible-to-decipher species spellings.
Hello, I'm Miss Pronounced, the Animal Name Mispronunciation Baboon.
Are you ready to play my fun and futile game? Please, try not to be an I-M-B-E-C-I-L-E.
Alright, here's the first one.
This cardinal is found in the American southwest, and is known for its red crest and wings, but don't commit the cardinal sin of even bothering to pronounce its name correctly.
Piro-hi-lo-ox-gua? Py-ru-ru-hu-lo-shia? Pyro-ex-lax.
Not great, bird brains.
The correct pronunciation is "pih-ruh-luk-see-uh.
" Number two.
This is a neotenic salamander.
They're known as the Mexican walking fish, but, spoiler alert! They're amphibians.
Buena suerte y felicidades, if you can properly pronounce the name of these absurd Aztecs.
A-hoe-toll.
Axl-ghhhh.
Adderall.
Tasia, can I put you on hold? I'm talking to a bunch of idiots.
No bueno, lizard lungs.
The correct pronunciation is "ak-suh-laa-tl.
" As in, you're a laa-tl dopey.
Last chance! These hairy-bodied yet bald-headed monkeys hail from the northwestern region of the Amazon basin.
They have very little visible fat, making their bald heads appear skeletal, and giving them their striking red facial skin.
And your face may turn beet-red trying to pronounce their names.
O-uh O-uh-ku-wah O-wah-ha-ku-wah.
Da-i Da-i-ka-ri? Eu cuh-ner-rious.
Is it possible to get hemorrhoids in your brain? I'm bleeding out of my ears over here! Why don't I just tell you how to say it.
It's "wuh-kaa-ree.
" As in, you are ah-sorry at pronouncing animal names.
You guys are all losers.
This could've been yours, if you'd just known how to pronounce their names.
The following is another announcement from the absurd alert emergency system.
If you are an insect or small frog in the South African, Australian, or Floridian metropolitan area, please pay attention to this message.
The sundew plant is found in marshes and bogs.
They look to sustain themselves by getting nutrients from unsuspecting pollinators.
Sundew plants are known as flypaper plants, meaning they're covered with sticky dew.
Once their prey is stuck, they wrap their leaves around it, leaving the insect to either suffocate or exhaust themselves to death.
Have no doubt, these mucilaginous malefactors are looking to prey on you and your loved ones.
Do not fall for their colorful patterns.
They are nothing but pain and suffering.
And remember, don't push your luck, or you might get stuck.
This is an aye-aye, also known as a lemur.
They look normal at first glance, but trust me I gave them some pretty weird features.
We could chat about them all day.
But aye-aye'd rather tell you about them in song.
Aye, aye, aye, aye An aye-aye is a lemur Teeth that never stop growing Knock holes in the wood They also have a long middle finger Aye, aye, aye, aye An aye-aye is a lemur Teeth that never stop growing Knock holes in the wood They also have a long middle finger OK.
In southeastern Africa, there's a family of petite antelopes that might seem unremarkable, but the oddball sounds they emit may just get stuck in your head for weeks.
This is a dik-dik, and these are some of their stranger-er facts.
Most dik-diks are quite small, measuring only a foot long.
Hmm, that doesn't seem that small to me.
Interestingly, female dik-diks are larger than male dik-diks, but the males have horns, which are small, slanted, and longitudinally grooved.
Dik-diks are monogamous as an evolutionary response to predators.
Although sometimes, a tricky dik-dik male will try to initiate adding a new female into his existing relationship.
The name "dik-dik" comes from the distinct whistling sound they make using their long, tubular snouts.
To the human ear, dik-diks sound like this.
But to another dik-dik, they sound like this: Dik-dik! Dik-dik! Dik-diiik! Aren't dik-diks so-so cool-cool? Ah, great it's these weirdos again.
That's right, Mona! - I'm Brian.
- And I'm Bhryann.
We're the Battle Bug Bros! And tonight, we're turning into the Rap Battle Bug Bros.
Truth! We have two of the flyest little guys going head-to-head.
It's fireflies versus house flies.
I'm representing team fire! And I'm gonna break it down with the houseflies.
Drop it! You eat plant pollen While I eat pumpkin pie Despite your fire butt You're still not very fly Dodging frogs is the mission That's abundantly clear But if it's death or being you Hey, Kermit, I'm right here Bro, frogs are the biggest predators to fireflies.
Alright, you up You like to eat poo-poo And you like to rub your hands You throw up on your food Which I just can't understand You're so stupid That's why everyone is staring Your body's so dim You don't have luciferin Go home! Bro, luciferin is the chemical inside fireflies that makes 'em glow.
Oh, really? I had no idea, dude.
Alright, last round.
Keep playing games I'm about to go medieval Scientifically you're just A glow-in-the-dark beetle Humans might say You help light up the sky But, to me, you're just a target And this here's a bull's-eye Go home! Get this dude, fireflies are actually beetles, not flies.
Oh, wow, you're, like, so smart, but A person wouldn't even Put you inside of a jar You're probably gonna die On the windshield of my car When I flash my light It's just to help me find a mate Go find your momma She can help me demonstrate Wait, what'd you say about my mom, bro? I didn't say anything about your mom.
The firefly did! Oh, alright dude.
You know, we're actually, like, pretty good at rapping.
Thanks, bro.
I used to rap for that girl, Coco.
Wait, bro.
I used to rap for that girl, Coco! What you talkin' about, bro? Hey, stop it! I'm back to select a winner, and it turns out you both lose! Go home! - Hello? - Ken Quandorf here.
What is it, Ken? First time, long time.
Nope, no you literally call every day, Ken.
No, I don't.
But the reason I'm calling is because I heard that all the sand on Hawaiian beaches is actually fish poop.
Well, that's almost right, Ken.
And it's all thanks to my parrotfish, a bizarre creature with an appetite for the algae that grows on coral.
The fish gnaws the stuff off with its beak-like teeth, but in the process, also strips calcium carbonate from the reef, and I'm talking a lot of it! I like to eat a lot, too.
Well, get this, Ken A single parrotfish can eat enough calcium carbonate every year to digest and then plop out 800 pounds of sand! Sand makes my feet smooth.
Mm.
I'm sure you have beautiful feet, Ken.
I'd like those parrot guys.
They're not actually guys.
All parrotfish are actually born female, and then join a larger school.
Me failed school.
No.
School failed you, Ken.
But, in parrotfish schools, the largest female will subsequently transform into a male, and adopt a beautiful color scheme.
My grandma has a mustache! Now he's got himself a harem that he keeps a watch over, and yes all of them are constantly pooooping sand.
I poop poop.
Wow, uh Oo! I think I'm losing you! No, I can hear you fine.
Uh shkwshwsh I'm going oh, tunnel can't, oh shkkk Click.
I like-ah the pangolin I like-ah the horny toad I like-ah the man o' war I like-ah the crab in the road I like-ah the Jumping Stick A super-engorged brown tick A magical unicorn tang A deer with a crazy fang And they like yooou Pah!