Acting Good (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

One Flew Out of the Kookum's Nest

Agnes: Ahh-chi!
Look at those big cheeks.
Ooh, I just wanna squish 'em.
I'm gonna put you
in my bingo bag
and take you home.
Yes, I will.
- (mother clearing throat)
- Agnes: Sorry.
Yeah, sorry for looking
at your baby too hard.
I've seen cuter babies anyways.
Way cuter.
I'm so sorry that Paul ran away
when he thought
that you were pregnant.
Didn't even stick around to find
out it was a false positive.
If I had a grandbaby for
every time that Paul ran away,
I'd be the king of kookums.
Have you even heard from him?
He's too scared.
He wouldn't show
his face around here,
but, don't worry.
I've even got spotters
at the airport.
He's broke and a coward.
How's he gonna get back here?
Mail himself?
Imagine the size of the box.
Imagine the cost of shipping.
(both laughing)
Yes, I can love you, baby ♪
All night long ♪
Roger (on radio): This is
Laughingstick In the Morning,
and it's nomination day
in Grouse Lake.
Everyone wants to know
who will challenge Deedee
to become our next Chief.
I'm supervising the process
all day long,
so here's Uncle Bullshit
and the Time Wasters,
with their nine-hour song,
"Ain't Got Nowhere Else To Go".
(muffled singing)
(Paul clearing throat)
You look way bigger, bro.
Fok man, why didn't you pay
for faster shipping?
I was in that box forever.
Oh, they told me
you're a heavy item.
I don't have big box money, bro.
Shut up, cock nose!
What's up, fat face?
(both grunting and laughing)
Man, everyone's
gonna be pissed at me.
I'm gonna go hide out
in the lodge.
No way, man.
You can't get into
any of those rooms.
Remember those dogs
that had puppies in the tub?
Well, those puppies had puppies
and those puppies
are big and hungry now.
Are you serious?
Whole lodge shut down.
Just stay in here, bro.
There's lots of room.
Are those buckets labelled
number one and number two
because that's
your favourite bucket
and that's your second
favourite bucket?
Yeah, sure, man.
Ah, fok it!
I'm gonna go stay with Brady.
Hang on, bro!
Brady left.
Went to go remarry his ex,
Prank Wife.
Turns out the whole wedding
was a prank.
That's rough, bro.
I'll say.
And then the North Store
sent him up to Norway House.
Those Cree aunties
are gonna eat him alive!
Just go stay with Rose, man.
She'll take took you back,
even though you broke
her sleep apnea machine.
Hey, man!
She's the one
that wanted to dress up
as fighter pilots
for Halloween, not me.
Oh, you looked deadly, bro.
I'll figure something out.
Hey, hey.
Nominate Deedee.
My girl,
what are you handing out?
I don't need
to give anything cool away.
Okay, gotcha.
Nothing cool.
Seriously, Mom?
I don't need
no damn voting potatoes.
- Hm!
- (sighing)
I just hope you get
a second nomination.
I already got Lips.
Deedee: Lips!
Have a CD.
I can be your second.
It would be embarrassing
if a family member endorsed me.
I need a rando to do it,
not my mom.
Willard over there'll do it.
Agnes: Not even, you had
his Christmas lights shut off.
How can Christmas lights
be too bright?
They were way over
the legal limit.
Besides, Norma's got me.
Agnes: Not even!
You shut down
her kid's lemonade stand,
and they were calling you,
"Native Karen."
Those brats
didn't even have a permit.
Good ol' Ray won't let me down.
Took away his trampoline.
That wasn't me.
The wind blew it away.
Took away his chicken coop,
took away his crossbow,
fined her for burning grass
and fined him for smoking it.
He was standing right in front
of the Head Start.
Well, that's everyone
in the gym, Jo.
Ma, if you wanna take your mind
off the nominations,
just go give out
one of your potatoes.
People love my potatoes.
Isn't he beautiful?
He is as beautiful
as the sun and the stars
reflecting off grandfather lake.
Let's name him, Paul.
That's the name
of a simple coward.
No, he needs something mighty.
Let's call him "Comanche."
But that's already
the name of your horse.
Then "Comanche Part Two."
What is it?
I'm just worried
that you'll have to leave again
and I'll be alone
with Comanche Part Two.
It is true.
I am at the mercy of the wind,
but now that I'm a proud father
I shall stay right here.
- (baby crying)
- Oh, Tatanka.
Stephen: Rose.
I got you a music box.
It plays
The Restless Wind theme.
Oh, thanks!
Ooh, I love it.
So, I was thinking about,
you know
Stephen Harper,
you were doing so good.
You went two whole weeks
without talking about him.
Just never know
when Paul might be back.
Paul, get in here!
Way to go, Stephen Harper!
Rose, I know you're mad.
Before you kick me out,
I just wanna tell you
I'm ready to take you back.
Get out!
Whoa, maybe take a minute
to think about it first.
- (cracking)
- Ho'ley!
I was just fucking around.
- You took off on me again?
- At least he's consistent.
And now you're back because
you need a place to stay.
You know what you are, Paul?
Fuckin' hobo-sexual.
Not even!
I've got lots of places to go.
In fact,
I'm the opposite of that.
I'm a a home-o-sexual.
Because of all the homes I have,
and, how they make me sexual.
Rose, just give him a chance.
Ugh. Why?
The guy's scared of babies.
Babies are scary.
They have sharp nails
and soft heads.
You're the beans
to my wieners, Rose.
No, he's the beans
to my wieners.
- We're back together.
- We are?!
- You are?
- Yeah, we are.
Can I run that by Paul first?
Okay, fine!
You're back with Stephen Harper.
I guess I'll just move back
into my giant box
and have to use my hat
as a toilet again.
- Err.
- Toilet hat?
Be careful.
That's how I got pink eye.
Thanks for nothin',
Stephen Harper.
(crowd applauding)
He's not a judge.
Welcome to nomination day.
You know the drill.
To get on the ballot,
you need two nominations
from registered band members.
Speaking of band members,
we'll start with our incumbent,
Chief Deedee.
(crowd applauding)
That's two!
The Chair recognizes
your eligibility.
Who the heck's cousin are you?
He's not even from here.
Get him out of here.
Screw you, and you.
- Screw you.
- (grunting)
The Chair does not recognize
your eligibility.
Councillor Jo?
Does Jo have
a second nomination?
Come on!
(laughing nervously)
The wind blew your trampoline
away, not Chief and Council.
And I thought my rez was tough.
(breathing deeply)
Oh, it's good to be home.
Yeah, I'll say.

Freak show.
What are you doing in my house?
Shouldn't you be at
the North Store
doin' a bunch of meat stuff?
Easy, big guy.
It's my day off.
And, this isn't your house.
It's your mom's.
I have my own door.
- Well, it's my door now.
- Fuck it!
I'ma just say sorry to my ma
and everything
will be good again.
When you bounced, your mom
was hella mad at you, bro.
So she just gave you my house?
I rented it, bro.
Or, step-bro?
Hmph! I'm not
your step-anything, bro.
Well, if you're so angry,
you can stay.
You want some, uh,
almost expired capicola?
Of course!
I want almost expired capicola.
It's the Champagne of meats.
(crowd chattering)
Oh, thank creator, you're here.
Can you be my second nomination?
Uh, I'm really sorry, Jo.
I see Stephen Harper
standing up.
Ho'ley fok.
Sorry, Jo.
Do we have a second nomination
for Stephen Harper?
The Chair recognizes
Stephen Harper's eligibility.
Stephen Harper?
He'll be the best leader ever!
If that's all our candidates,
then all that's left to do
is to open up the floor
to any final questions.
- I need you to stall!
- On it.
I have a question.
Um, what number
am I thinking of?
I know what you're up to.
That's a stupid question.
Yeah, you're just trying
to stall.
- Is it six?
- No.
- Man: Seven.
- Man two: Two.
- Woman: Seven!
- Woman two: Three!
Cashier: I don't know.
Let me ask the manager.
Is there, uh,
some sort of problem?
Nah, man.
Actually, Dean, we have
an opening at the North Store,
and since you're
the movie man
Fok'n right I am.
And I hear
you help run the lodge.
Actually, some dogs
run the lodge now.
I don't know what that means,
but, Agnes tells me
you have
a real entrepreneurial eye.
Uh, not anymore.
I got drops for that.
Dean, I'm trying to ask you
if would you be interested
in a job?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, and listen.
I'll be honest.
We need to do a diversity hire.
Dude, you're like
the only white guy up here.
You are the diversity.
Well, I I can't fight you on
that. (laughing)
Listen. Why don't you take some
time and think it over?
Hey, Greg.
Tell you what.
Oh, you have an answer already.
That's gonna be
a hard fok'n pass.
See, I don't wanna be
a corporate sell-out,
buttoned down, corn-fed,
uptight, button pushin',
marshmallow motherfucker.
As long as the people
out there need movies,
the movie man'll live on.
It pays 15 dollars an hour.
Can I go on break now?
Where's the TV, man?
What do you even do
for fun around here?
Wanna play Find The Meat?
I hide.
You find.
- It's not that hard.
- No.
I don't wanna play
Hide The Meat!
Neither do I, man.
It's called
"Find The Meat."
Whatever, fok.
You're sad 'cause
you miss the way things were.
I felt the same way after
the great lice fire of 2011.
Burnt my lice farm
down to the ground.
But my new one's
kickin' ass though.
There are lice in here?
Yeah, they're my guys.
There's eight generations
of 'em in there.
Oh, look.
There's Lil' Petey.
He's got nine thousand kids.
Paul: Well, Bruce, uh,
I'ma make like a tree,
and I'ma fuck off.
Oh, hang on.
There's a lot
of real estate up there.
My lice could use that.
Yeah, but, uh, no hair, right?
Lice don't actually
fuck with the hair.
They like the meat.
Where you goin', bro?
Don't worry, boys.
I don't know
what his problem is either.

Jo: And not only that,
but I'll get us better access
to social services,
more opportunities for housing.
And just last year,
I got an exercise machine
for the Skinny Teens.
Mm, those guys
are so jacked now.
That's because I'm assertive.
Every good Chief
has to be assertive.
So what are you gonna do for me?
You name it and you got it.
You know what pisses me off?
- That Norma.
- Oh?
Always sitting
outside the band office,
stealing that Wi-Fi?
Tell her to go home.
Okay, yeah.
I'll tell Lips to handle it.
Yeah, can't trust that Norma.
So, will you come to the gym
and be my second nomination?
- Oh, I don't vote.
- What?
Nah, you wouldn't want
my nomination.
I'm an ex-con.
Okay, Rita.
Locked up for insider trading.
- Sure, Rita.
- Had a billion dollars.
Was gonna give the money
to my Oka friends,
but the feds caught me.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Eighteen?
- No.
- Son of a bits!
- Order!
We're here for an election.
We're gonna go with 383.
- Nope.
- What are you guys smoking?
(crowd chattering)
- No.
- (Agnes laughing)
Screw you, Lips.
I'm gonna count to three,
and if you don't stop
Has anyone said "three"?
- Woman: 17.
- Woman two: 27.
Lips: I'm sorry.
Still no.
Woman: Not 20.
Hey, man.
No littering.
It's called "loitering,"
dumb ass.
Why are you wearing
that stupid vest?
I work here.
Yeah, it is stupid, eh?
How long you been
working here for?
Oh 15 bucks.
Let me loiter.
I got nowhere to go.
Okay, man, if Greg asks,
you tell him
I told you to leave, okay?
I'm not scared of Flanders.
He's comin'.
The vest touched the floor.
Well, now I have to burn it.
- Oh, hey, bro.
- Oh! Hey, Dean.
- Let me show you something.
- Hey, man.
This is like the fifth time
you talked to me today.
Are we always
gonna be talkin' or what?
Probably, uh,
because I'm your boss.
If you say so, bro.
Thank you for your service.
Okay, so, you know how
the Internet is bad up here,
and people can't stream.
Well, yeah, man, that's why
I bring people movies.
Well, check this out.
(laughing excitedly)
I just wanna introduce you
to someone.
This is our Tommy Box.
The fok's a Tommy?
This is a DVD rental box.
Yeah, it's gonna change the way
that people get their movies
in Grouse Lake.
You can put away those USBs
you keep obsessing about
because, now, this bad boy
can do that for ya.
- Hmm.
- Fuck Lil' Tony, am I right?
Did I
Did I say that right?
Well, I will, uh, leave you two
to get acquainted.
Bullshit selection.
"Scrub the Bog, Guvnah!"
- Paul: Ow, fuck!
- Trash.
Good afternoon, shoppers.
It's your councillor Jo.
Hope you're enjoying
your shopping experience
or whatever.
Anyway, who wants to come
nominate me for Chief?
Well, I didn't approve of this.
Oh, come on.
I'll pay for your groceries
if you come nominate me.
Oh, fuck off.
Jo: Who wants to come
nominate me for Chief?
What an honour it is
to be your elected Chief.
None of this
would've been possible
without my brother, Paul.
It is fair to say
that he showed us
it's okay to run away
when things get tough.
My first act as elected Chief
is to allow him to live
in whatever home he wants,
for he is not a hobo-sexual.
(crowd applauding)
Jo: And finally, the national
body mass index limit,
which is based on
weight and height,
should be much higher!
(crowd applauding and cheering)
Crowd: Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul.
Greg: Paul?
I'm up!
I was really rooting
for you to wake up there.
Mostly because you can't loiter,
but also because
this lovely couple
would like to buy that couch.
Okay, but
I'm keeping the blanket!
Yeah, I'm
I'm okay with that.
It's your blanket.
You brought it with you.
What the fok's a "Camberwell"?
(powering down)
(powering up)
- (crowd chattering)
- Fourteen?
- Woman: 79
- Not even close.
Fourteen thousand?
Jo: Forget about it.
It's over.
I didn't find
a second nomination.
- (gavel slamming)
- Order! Jo's back.
If there's no second nomination,
then we'll close
the proceedings.
Don't you dare.
Roger: Going once,
going twice, going
- Paul: Wait!
- (woman gasping)
- (crowd chattering)
- I
- Paul Bittern, nominate
- No, Paul!
My biological sister,
Josephine Bittern,
to run for Chief!
Nomination accepted for Jo.
I'm back.
- Agnes: You damn baby leaver!
- (gavel hitting)
The Chair recognizes
your eligibility.
Well, if that's it
(tires squealing)
- (rock music playing)
- Woman: What's this?
Not so fast.

Agnes: (gasping)
It's Cousin Leon!
Roger: Who wants to nominate
Cousin Leon?
Right here.
Now, who's my second?
- Crowd: Me!
- Woman: Me, me, me!
- (gavel hitting)
- (crowd chattering)
The Chair recognizes
your eligibility.
Fok'n rights.
Evening, Grouse Lake.
That was one
heck of a ride today.
The campaign for Chief
is gonna be a good one.
Chief Deedee, Stephen Harper,
Jo, Cousin Leon.
Some guy from way up north
also tossed his hat in the ring
before we busted him.
Too bad.
He had a face for TV.
But, in much bigger news,
we still don't know what number
Lips was thinkin' of.
Good thing we got him
right here.
They can't see you, Lips.
Hi, everyone.
The phones are lighting up fast,
so call in and tell us
what number he's thinkin' of.
Caller, go ahead.
- Nope.
- Dean: Twelve?
Hey, hey!
Only one number per call.
Put on a pot of coffee,
Grouse Lake.
It's gonna be a long night.

Always did our shoppin' ♪
At the Northern Store ♪
Prices were so high ♪
We couldn't hardly pay ♪
Lard and flour ♪
Baking powder ♪
Often there was nothing
left to buy a can of beans ♪
Always hate it ♪
Eating bannock
without beans ♪
Bannock without
beans, yeah ♪
Bannock without beans ♪
Went out to trap line ♪
Beaver's trapped and trap
the rat ♪
Lots of Vaseline ♪
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