Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

Adam Ruins Dating

1 Dating is tough, man.
This one time, I went out with this guy from Tinder who kept ordering me glasses of milk.
Another guy I went off with off Hinge cried every time he said the word "jazz.
" But the worst was this guy from Bumble who cut off a piece of my hair when I wasn't looking, and then again when I was looking.
It's brutal out there.
Sometimes, I think I might just be alone forever.
I just want to find somebody and and be done with dating once and for all.
Is that too much to ask? I'll be right back with that guac, but not too soon, 'cause you frighten me.
It's all right, Sarah.
It won't be the first time you were stood up.
I mean, this guy's hair is a bit much for me, anyway.
- Hello, my date! - Ahh! Sorry I'm late.
I was telling my Lyft driver about how free parking is destroying our urban centers.
Don't you just love talking to rideshare drivers? Ooh.
You're funny.
I like funny guys.
But let's cut to the chase.
What's your deal? What's wrong with you? What, are you in a cult? You attracted to frogs? You're not a magician, are you? (swallowing) Nope, I'm just a curious boy.
Okay, well, you were late and you're a weirdo, but we were 100% match online, so we must be compatible.
Oh, no, that doesn't mean we're compatible at all.
In fact, there is no quick and easy way to tell who you're a match for.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover and this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" What was that music? What's happening? Oh, I have a TV show where I deflate common misconceptions.
Impressed? Well, I can't say that this has happened on a date before.
For me, it's happened on Every date.
Well, take it from me.
Dating sucks.
That's why I bit the bullet and paid for this dating site.
They use science to match you with a guy worth your time.
Yeah, sites like eHarmony and Chemistry.
com certainly love to advertise that their methods are scientific.
At eHarmony, we use a scientific system to help you find someone who's looking for someone like you.
But their claims to be scientific are straight up baloney.
Where'd you get baloney? Oh, I brought it from home in case it wasn't on the menu.
But it's not baloney.
Didn't you listen to the ad? They have algorithms and formulas, and the old guy seems super "sciencey.
" Yes, he certainly does seem that way.
I'm Dr.
Neil Clark Warren and don't I look like some kind of well-meaning love grandpa? Yes.
Yes, you do.
I trust you, love grandpa.
Warren founded eHarmony after working as a marriage counselor and self-help author.
That's how I came up with our super scientific system.
The problem is, he's not a scientist.
We looked and we couldn't find a single scientific article written by Dr.
Warren on relationships, compatibility, or marriage published in a peer-reviewed journal.
Didn't have time.
Too busy getting my cheeks dimpled.
And there has never been a single independent peer-reviewed study testing eHarmony's algorithm.
Well, then, let's get those peers reviewin'.
They would love to, but they can't because eHarmony keeps their exact algorithm a secret.
Come on, let me in! If it's scientific, why can't we study it? Sorry, bud.
Just trust me.
We're a for-profit company.
But we're number one in most marriages, most enduring marriages, most And the Better Business Bureau told you those claims were misleading and to stop saying them.
The fact is, without peer review, any claims made about eHarmony's secret algorithm are unverifiable, unscientific baloney.
That's salami.
Sorry, I ate all the baloney.
Well, uh, I guess I'll just use other sites - like Match or OKCupid.
- Oh! In the interest of full disclosure, the production company that makes this show is a corporate sibling of Match and OKCupid.
And OKCupid is so public about their algorithm, their founder actually wrote on their company blog In other words, - they're winging it.
- (ding) Wow, um, okay, yeah.
But there has to be something in our profiles that make us compatible.
Probably not.
(trumpet playing) A major study found that no matter which you use, there is no proof that dating site algorithms are any better than matching people at random.
The fact is, every match on a dating site is just a swing in the dark.
Hey, encyclopedias for everyone! Huh? So it's random.
I mean, how could these sites be so off.
It's because the only thing an algorithm can do to match up two people who have never met before is pair them on the basis of personality and shared interests.
And the truth is that those two things don't have a lot to do with romantic compatibility.
Uh, Sarah, this is Benjamin Carney.
He's a professor of social psychology at UCLA and he is interrupting our date for some reason.
Are either of you interested in these vegan nachos? I'm on a meat-only diet.
Wait, you're on the South Dallas Diet, too? Okay, Ben, could you explain the difference between similarity and compatibility very quickly, please? There are countless ways that we can be similar to or different from another person.
The fact that you happen to match up with somebody on a handful of those interests that you have doesn't really tell us much about whether you'll be romantically compatible with them.
For instance, do you like music, parties, and Mexican food? Yes, I love those things.
(all) So do we.
Okay, point taken.
I'm obviously not going to date everyone in here.
The extent to which two people have similar personalities actually only counts for a tiny percentage of their satisfaction with their relationship.
Far more important is how people treat each other, and how someone makes you feel when you get to know them.
It really is, in the end, less about who you are than about what you do.
So sorry about the mix-up, sir.
Here are your meat nachos.
Adam, gotta go.
Got a lot on my plate here.
See you around.
So even though the site matched us, we may not be compatible at all.
Afraid not.
So why did you use it in the first place? Well, dating sites are really useful for one thing.
Helping you meet other people who want to go on dates.
You know, like, if you're an eligible but shy TV host who's trying to get back out there but is nervous to ask women out in person, especially when they're really pretty.
But if you're expecting a test on a website to identify your one true love, you're probably expecting too much.
Mmm I guess you're right.
I did think it was weird that we matched.
I'm usually attracted to alpha males, no offense.
Oh, none taken.
Especially since the whole idea of the human alpha male makes no sense.
Come on, I'll show you.
But we literally just sat down.
We're not gonna eat or Nah, I'm all full on deli meat.
Let's go! This bar.
I went on a date here once with a guy who had a pet rat.
I have pet turtles.
Is that okay? Do they sleep in your bed? Only when I'm alone.
So, yes.
(laughing) You make me laugh, Adam, which is weird, because you're not really my type.
I usually go for alpha males.
That's not weird at all, because in humans, the very idea of the "alpha male" makes absolutely no sense.
What do you think an alpha male is? A confident, assertive leader who knows what he wants and always gets his way.
You know, somebody who says things like "get swole" and "Muscle Milk", and "Hi, I'm Vin Diesel.
" Oh, so like this guy.
What up, freaks? Name's Alpha Adam.
I'm confident, straight-up bangin', and if you think women don't love me, I'm gonna debunk the F out of that myth.
Attraction to alphas is genetic.
Comes from nature.
I'm like the alpha wolf, the leader of the pack.
Hell yeah.
I'm bleeding.
Well, all of that is wrong, because alpha wolves don't exist.
In fact, the term "alpha wolf" was disavowed by the very scientist who popularized it.
The story starts in 1977.
While doing research in a national park, a wildlife biologist named L.
David Mech seemed to observe that one wolf emerged as the dominant male.
Ah-ha! One wolf is the dominant leader, the big wolf daddy! That's the alpha wolf.
(Adam) He wrote a book on the idea and it became a media sensation.
Alpha wolves are real and I love them, and I bet humans are like this, too.
(howling) (Adam) But 20 years later, Mech tried to replicate his research in the wild, and when he did, he realized he had made a terrible mistake.
Those aren't dominant wolves.
Those are mommies and daddies.
Wolves don't have an alpha hierarchy at all.
They're just parents.
I must alert the masses! (Adam) Mech renounced the term "alpha wolf" and spent years trying to get his own book taken off the shelves.
Stop reading this.
I fed you lies! Alpha wolves aren't real! (Adam) But it was too late.
The term had taken on a life of its own and we haven't stopped using it since.
So alpha wolves are just parents.
I guess my therapist was right.
I really do have daddy issues.
Nah, nah, nah.
Maybe there's no alpha wolves, but I know crap, too.
Alpha males are found in chimps, our closest genetic relatives.
Weird, you are more aggressive than me, but also wronger.
First of all, chimps aren't our closest genetic relatives, bonobos are.
And bonobos live in a matriarchal society.
Excuse me.
You're in my way.
(animalistic growling) You're basic.
Okay, whatever, those Bonobo broads don't mean nothing.
In chimps, the alpha male is the most dominant, most aggressive bro, and that means he has first access to food, resources, and of course, mates.
Hell yeah, baby.
All right.
Not exactly.
Contrary to popular belief, in chimps, the most aggressive male doesn't always become the leader.
Smaller, more mild-mannered males can actually become dominant by doing favors and obsessively grooming other chimps.
Excuse me, you seem to have something in your hair.
Oh Hey, let me ask you: What do you think I should do with my life? Wait, whoa! What am I doing? Get off of me! I am the strongest, most aggressive male, so I am the alpha! Now and forever! No, you're not.
Unlike chimps, human social hierarchies are constantly in flux, so you might be the dominant male here, but if you were playing Dungeons & Dragons It's your turn.
Hello! What do you want to do? I attack with my sword.
Your sword? You are a magic user.
Do you see a sword on your character sheet? No.
Well, then you can't attack with a sword, can you, freak? (laughing) Unlike animals, no one is the same type of person in all situations.
Human society is much more complicated than that.
So to say that this guy is an alpha male or that guy's a beta male - makes straight up zero sense.
- Whatever, nerd! The most aggressive male gets the most aggressive tale.
It's true forever 'cause it rhymes.
Actually, research shows that agreeableness, kindness, and generosity are among the strongest indicators of a long, happy relationship.
Aww, eat my feet.
Those are beta traits! Huh, well, then I guess betas are the alphas of love.
Enough lies.
I am the alpha! I am your God! Leave Beta Adam alone.
You saved me Also, just "Adam" is fine.
This sucks.
I thought I figured out my type, but just my luck, my type doesn't even friggin' exist.
At this rate, I'll never find someone.
It's just that people are complicated and comparing us to animals is a shortcut that isn't gonna help you find a match.
You can't put people in boxes.
Our personalities are too different.
That's it.
Personality tests.
Like the Myers-Briggs test.
That's my shortcut.
I'm an ESTJ and since I'm a thinking type, I'm curious to know what type you are.
Oh, the Myers-Briggs test is total bunk.
Let me tell you about it.
You are impossible.
Oh! Yo, bro, that's okay.
at's okay.
Yo, hit me up on Linkedln! I normally have a two-location maximum rule on dates.
In my experience, when guys move around too much, it's because they're married.
- Oh, I am definitely not - Yeah, I guessed.
Hey, what movie are we gonna see? I'll see anything, as long as it's not happy.
I was thinking something educational.
Educational, Adam? No.
Is this because I brought up the Myers-Briggs test? I will not apologize for being extroverted.
Already bought the tickets.
Even if you're not familiar with the name, you've probably taken the Myers-Briggs test in school, at a job interview, or just online for funsies.
It divides humans into 16 personality types, each with its own cute little acronym.
Okay, it says I'm an extrovert sensing feeling perceiving type.
I'm an ESFP.
I'm an ESFT, which means I'm a thinking type.
And that's true.
I'm thinking right now.
Except all of that is GDBS, and we use that BS to make really important decisions.
The test shows you're never going to be an astronaut.
Since you're an ESFP, I recommend that you become a garbage man.
Well, I accept my fate.
I mean, how is it BS? The Myers-Briggs test always seemed so scientific.
Oh, yeah, the Myers-Briggs uses a lot of science-y-sounding jargon, but the truth is, it wasn't invented by scientists at all.
Take a look.
(Adam) The year, 1921.
Famed psychologist Carl Jung has a theory.
I surmise human beings can be broken down into eight different personality types.
(Adam) There was just one problem.
This was a time before psychology used scientific methods, like data or controlled experiments.
So the eight types were just guesses based on Jung's personal experiences.
My wife feels emotions all the time.
- (Mrs.
Jung whining) - Her type is a feeler.
Welp, that is good enough for science in 1921.
But Carl Jung didn't even make the test.
Myers and Briggs or whoever they are, they took his ideas and made them better.
Not quite.
(Adam) The year is 1943.
Mystery novelist Isabel Briggs-Myers and her magazine writer mother, Katharine Cook Briggs, had a lot of time on their hands.
Mama, I'm bored of writing mystery novels.
Everyone else is off having fun at war.
Say, I have an idea.
I just read some old Carl Jung book about personality types, and I bet us two unqualified nobodies could do a better job.
Yes! Let's do some science or whatever.
Let's create an influential test that will be widely used for decades! (Adam) And so these two writers, who had no scientific training, took theories from one of Carl Jung's non-scientific books and came up with their list of personality types.
Ooh, my friend Carrie is a such a Samantha.
We have to put that in.
(Adam) Which, for some reason, they doubled from eight to 16.
And in 1944, they published the thing.
That's really where the Myers-Briggs test came from? - That's so stupid.
- Yeah.
And Carl Jung would agree with you.
- He once even said - Shh! Oh, sorry.
Like tiddlywinks! Today, the test is shunned by the scientific community.
There's even a psychologist on the board of the company that owns the Myers-Briggs test who's admitted publicly that he wouldn't use it in his own research.
But I still don't get what's so wrong about the test.
- I can help with that.
- David.
Sarah, this is David Pittenger.
He's a psychologist and researcher at Marshal University.
What are you doing here, David? I'm trying to sneak into an R-rated movie.
Sarah, the Myers-Briggs type indicator test has a lot of problems.
Foremost, it incorrectly assumes that personality is fixed.
Actually, personality is not either-or.
It's really more or less.
So it's possible to be introverted at one time and extroverted at another.
I'm an extrovert! But sometimes, I like to stay at home and read in the bath.
Nearly half the people who retake the Myers-Briggs type indicator are placed into a different personality category.
Oh, no! Now I'm an introvert! But that doesn't reflect how much I like yelling! (loud yelling) So, this test isn't even consistent? This is garbage.
The unfortunate truth is that there's no evidence to support the 16 categories created by the MBTI.
It's nothing more than a poorly designed, well-marketed way to perpetuate stereotypes.
Well, coast is clear.
Thanks, David.
Have fun in the movie.
My high school guidance counselor almost convinced me to be a travel agent because of this test.
Why did I believe this? Because of the Forer effect.
It's a psychological phenomenon where people will believe a vague and general description of their personalities if they're told it's tailored to them.
It's basically the same reason people believe in Zodiac signs.
It says here as a Pisces, I'm creating, caring, outgoing, and also sometimes not.
That is so me.
I can't believe I wasted my time on this.
Well, you're not alone.
2 million people a year take the Myers-Briggs test, and despite the fact that there is no sufficient evidence showing that it's effective at predicting job satisfaction or compatibility, it's been used to make hiring and training decisions in over 10,000 companies, 2,500 colleges, and even the State Department and the CIA.
You're our most deadly operative, Agent X.
But turns out, you're a judging type, so we're putting you in charge of party planning.
Reminder: I like cookie cake.
The truth is, the Myers-Briggs test is just a parlor game.
It can't diagnose your personality, it can't find you the right job, and it definitely can't predict who you'll be compatible with.
I hate this! Myers-Briggs is stupid, types are stupid, dating sites are stupid.
And I guess I'm stupid, for thinking I could figure out whether or not we're compatible.
Oh, I'm so sick of this.
I'm just gonna buy a cat and die alone like my mom wants.
Are you happy, Adam? Of all my dates, all the nightmares, this is the one that finally made me lose hope.
But I was just about to tell you why there is hope! Oh, swipe left! Could be hard to salvage this one.
Are you okay? Adam, I'm sorry, I just I can't take any more facts right now.
Just please hear me out.
I know dating sucks.
It's awkward and uncomfortable to put yourself out there when you'd rather just stay in and read "The Illiad" to your turtles.
I was with you for most of that.
I know it seems like a waste of time.
Do you know how I try to look at it? Every horrible date and every broken heart is a chance to learn about what you want in a partner.
Like, now I know I don't like guys who wear shorts on the first date.
But personality tests and algorithms can't help you with that.
But if you put the time in and you just keep trying, eventually, you will find love, because most people do.
And I have faith that that can happen for both of us.
Adam, I know we just met 21 minutes and three commercial breaks ago.
And honestly, at first, I thought you were kind of abrasive.
- But now I think - Yeah? No.
I know I don't like you.
I mean, maybe as a friend.
You're really smart and you are a sharp dresser.
But I don't like you.
Not romantically.
And thanks to you, I know that's okay.
You've taught me so much about what I don't want in a partner.
- That's great.
- Thank you.
Adam, this date has been great.
I feel so Free! (laughing) Well, there's always that girl you met on Wikipedia.
(electricity crackling)
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