Alex, Inc. (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
The Cop Car
1 ALEX: When you start a new company, it can feel like there aren't enough work hours in the day.
So I came up with a little idea for how to fix that.
And that was to start work at breakfast.
Eddie, why aren't you wearing pants? Sorry about that.
I spilled some syrup on my slacks.
I had to toss 'em in the washing machine.
But don't worry, I was able to add them to that load of your intimates.
By the way, you really ought to be hand-washing a lot of that stuff.
We're still working out the kinks.
Mm.
This milk has gone bad.
Oh, no, I brought that from home.
I'm intolerant of all milks except for walnut and deer.
You're sitting in my chair.
Well, I thought that was your chair.
It was yesterday.
But today, it's that one.
Well, I talked to my friend, the chair fairy, and she said that I could have this one today.
Not everything has a fairy, blondie.
Big day, everyone! Al has a very important promotional appearance.
I booked him on the "Vanessa Stanhope Show.
" Cool! Can't wait to listen! Uh, you will not be listening.
That show is not for kids.
She's totally R-rated.
Brian Sokolowski's mom lets him listen to it.
Well, Brian Sokolowski's mom is 95 percent chardonnay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Ben, your girlfriend's calling! She's not my girlfriend.
She's my band mate.
The only thing we're interested in making is beautiful music together.
I was in a band at your age.
I get it.
Make sure you make safe music.
Al, can I talk to you for a sec? When are we gonna be done with this? Oh, I think it's kind of working.
We're all getting along.
Wait, where's my folder? It was just here.
Maybe the folder fairy filed it away for you [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
in the dishwasher.
[DISHWASHER BEEPS.]
It was a huge day for us.
If I could nail this Vanessa Stanhope interview, it could change everything for the company.
Here are your talking points for the interview.
Sorry, but the printer was broken again.
Why am I the only one who even attempts to fix it? Oh, I'm so sorry, Deirdre, but you're the only one who knows how.
Plus, you got those little raccoon hands.
You know how to burrow in there and wake everything up.
You know, at my old job at Cheer Up, I used to actually produce radio shows.
It's a start-up.
Everyone's making sacrifices.
I had to talk to a guy with an artisanal mustache today.
- Oof.
- Okay, speaking of Cheer Up, I called over there to see if they would even consider promoting the podcast, - and they want me to come in.
- Really? Why would they want to do that after the way we left? I mean, tears were shed.
I mean, mostly by me, but tears were shed.
Surprisingly, they were open to it.
I thought Eddie could come with since promotion is technically his department.
That's a good idea! Eddie's been on a bit of a roll lately, booking me on this big, fancy radio show.
I can't believe Vanessa Stanhope actually knows who I am.
Who are you again? Oh, Alex Schuman with Ajana.
I just want to thank you so much for having me on your show.
I'm a huge fan, and I really think your listeners are gonna be very interested in my podcast.
No, they won't.
This isn't public radio, man.
My listeners don't wanna hear you softly try to solve a murder mystery to indie music for 12 weeks.
Oh, it's not a crime show.
These are people who are stuck in traffic, all right? They want you to make 'em laugh.
Keep it punchy.
Give me short, sexy anecdotes.
- What are those, talking points? - Yeah.
No.
You try to work these into the interview, it's gonna be over before you can whisper, "Whodunnit.
" - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Welcome back.
We are here with Arthur Schumberg Alex Schuman.
who wants to tell you about his new podcast.
Boring! [SNORING.]
But don't worry he was just about to tell me about the best sex he's ever had.
[AH-OOGAH! AH-OOGAH!.]
All right, kids.
You two get to jammin'.
And I will get to jammin', too.
Those PB&Js will be up in a Jiff peanut butter.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, come on.
[SIGHS.]
Can't all be winners.
Yeah, but some of them should be.
Did I tell you I like your shirt, Ben? Yeah, like eight times today.
- Ben, be nice.
- BEN: What? Emily doesn't mind it when I call it like I see it.
That's my Benny-Bear.
He's so honest.
That's why his music is so raw and truthful.
This girl's out of her mind.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what's this chorus you've been yapping about? Here goes.
I can't stop loving you Though I try and I try Hard to stop loving you, yeah I know you yearn for me, too Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you Oh, you can't stop lovin' me What do you think? Mm, not too shabby.
You're a little pitchy, but don't worry.
I'll be able to fix that in GarageBand.
Great.
I believe these are the chords? While I was off plugging our podcast with Vanessa Stanhope, Eddie and Deirdre were trying to get a plug at Cheer Up.
Glass of salad? Don't mind if I do.
I can't believe you used to work someplace so fancy.
Get a load of this table.
What is this, mahogany? [SNIFFS.]
Oh, yeah.
That's mahogany.
Take a sniff.
I-I don't know anything about smelling woods.
Beautiful, but very hard to move.
We should probably just leave it where it is, then.
- There she is! - Deirds! Eddie Laguzza, CFO of Ajana, orange belt in Jiu Jitsu.
That's not a threat, I just have to tell you.
Eddie, would it be okay if we talked to Deirdre alone for a sec? It's just some old colleague gossip.
- It would bore you.
- EDDIE: Sure.
I think I'll go revisit that strudel platter.
Those are free, right? Absolutely.
Enjoy.
I love this place.
So, Deirdre, we've been worried about you.
Tom Moffat said his girlfriend called an Uber the other day and when it showed up, you were driving it! What the heck, Deirds? DEIRDRE: Okay, well, that's just a way to make some extra cash, you know, until our salaries adjust slash start.
I only drive a few nights.
And weekends.
And holidays.
And the Super Bowl, and the even nights of Hanukkah, and my birthday.
- [TAMMY SIGHS.]
- That is so, so, so sad.
No, no, no.
Overall, things are great.
Which is why I'm super psyched you invited me here to talk about promoting Alex's podcast.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, Deirds.
Alex stabbed us in the back.
He can go to hell in a hand-basket.
- We don't even care how he gets there.
- Skip the basket.
- [GASPS.]
- We asked you here because we want you to come back to Cheer Up as an on-air host.
- What? - We miss your energy.
Your verve.
Your je ne sais quoi! I mean, merci, but I'm happy where I am.
Sure you are, of course.
You don't need to decide right now.
Just think about it.
- Hey, Quinn.
- There's my man! Quinn would be your assistant.
He just graduated from massage school.
Very strong hands.
I recommend the peppermint oil.
It tingles.
Are you sure you were allowed to take that? It was just sitting in the lobby on that table there.
Someone clearly left it behind.
So, you gonna take the job? What? How did you even I've been around the block a few times.
Plus, the guy replacing the crudités asked, "Is Deirdre gonna take the job?" Okay, no.
Totally no, never ever.
Totally never.
That's It's not even a thing.
Oh, that's very convincing.
[TING!.]
- Who's that guy? - Quinn.
He'd be working under me.
I mean, I'd be over him.
I mean, he'd be on me on my desk.
There would be a hierarchy, and I would sit on top of him.
You know what I mean! All right.
You're telling me that the best sex you've ever had was with your wife? - MAN: Whoa! - It's true.
It might be true, man, but it is so boring.
You know what, - [SNORES.]
- I think it's time to wrap this up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What if I told you that it all happened in the back of a police car? All right, that made it move a little.
Go on.
Oh, well, in college, I drove around in this beat-up old cop car I got at a police auction for no money.
And I had this idea to take Rooni on a date to the park.
We were gonna have take-out Chinese.
- Oi.
- So wait, wait, wait.
When we're picking up the take-out, it starts pouring rain.
So we're racing back to the car, we're drenched, we're totally laughing.
It's like "The Notebook," only slower.
Get to the good stuff, man! Okay, okay.
So, in our haste to get out of the rain, we jumped in the backseat.
But it's a police car, and those doors don't open from the inside.
Oh, I know.
So at first we were, like, panicking.
But then we realized, you know what? It's kind of romantic, you know? We got hot food, the rain is hitting the windows And then you two took it to bang town.
Well, I'm not gonna go into details.
But let's just say it was the best first date - Oh, it was the first date?! - [BOTH CHEERING.]
- MAN: There it is! - Ladies and gentlemen, we have a show.
[AH-OOGAH! AH-OOGAH!.]
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
- Well - Way to go, Alex, you dirty little freak.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
Everybody, keep your eyes peeled for Alex's new podcast, "Our Family's Business," and we'll be right back.
- [RADIO COMMERCIAL PLAYS.]
- Now, that's what I'm talking about.
You know, you got a cool wife, man.
She let you tell that story.
If I'd done that, my wife would kill me.
I came home praying Rooni hadn't heard me on the radio that afternoon.
Fortunately, I was pretty good at playing it cool.
- Hey.
- [SOFTLY.]
Hey.
How'd it go with Vanessa Stanhope? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Was that today? I remember doing it, it was just so long ago.
Hmm.
Cool.
Oh, hey, will you, um, call my phone? I don't know where it is.
Of course, baby.
And then after, I could draw you a nice, hot bath and we could drink some wine.
And we could watch "The Bachelorette"! I hear someone's in it for the wrong reasons.
VANESSA: Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Oh, here it is.
- Rooni Schuman gave it up - I got a new ringtone.
- on the first date.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Rooni Schu - I'm so sorry, baby, but I had to do something to get her to promote the show.
She kept baiting me and baiting me and saying I wasn't interesting.
And by the way, it worked.
The traffic on the website has spiked after the interview.
[SCOFFS.]
Unbelievable.
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Rooni Schuman gave it up - on the first date.
- It's your mom! All right, Benny-Bear, I don't wanna say goodbye.
You hang up first.
- Okay, bye.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Was that Emily? Didn't she just leave like 10 minutes ago? Well, she calls every couple hours.
Sometimes every hour.
Definitely after every meal and snack.
We need to have a talk, Benny-Bear.
I think Emily might want to be your girlfriend.
Mom, you probably think every girl wants to be my girlfriend.
No, I don't.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
She probably had some Bagel Bites or something.
Okay, you know what? At least one man in this house is going to be sensitive and upfront with a woman.
If Emily's really your friend, you don't want to lead her on.
You have to make sure she knows that you don't like her like that, okay? Okay, fine.
I'll talk to her, Mom.
Geez.
And be nice.
And don't do it on a nationally syndicated radio show.
I feel like that wasn't for me.
ALEX: I've never seen Rooni this upset.
- I gotta fix this, Ed.
- It's easy.
You said something embarrassing about her in public, so you gotta say something that embarrasses you in public.
What could I say that's as embarrassing as that? Slippery Rick's Water Park, 1998 You puked on the log flume.
It was so steep.
The audition tape you and your mom made for "The Amazing Race.
" The time you cried to get out of the jaywalking ticket.
Okay, that one is a different story because I'd just seen "Titanic" and I was very sensitive.
That cop got me mid-weep.
You know what, Rooni and I are adults.
I'm just gonna go talk to her.
Oh, you wired half your savings to that Nigerian Prince! I hope he's okay.
I haven't heard from him in a while.
Hey, Benny-Bear! - We still on for rehearsal tonight? - Uh, yeah.
So, listen to this.
My mom said the craziest thing yesterday.
She said that, you know, 'cause of how we FaceTime and that song that you wrote about how you're not able to stop loving me, and uh, she said that maybe you have a crush on me.
But I told her we're just friends.
Right? Yeah, for sure.
Okay, great! Parents are dumb.
I'll see you later for rehearsal.
Yeah.
Actually, I don't think I can rehearse today after all.
Oh.
Maybe tomorrow, then? I don't know.
I'll let you know, Benny Ben.
[LOCKER DOOR SLAMS.]
Sorry I'm late.
One of my Uber passengers just made me wait while he dumped his suitcase in the East River.
It was pretty heavy, but we got it done.
I've been thinking about your predicament, Deirdre.
It's very tempting, that Cheer Up place.
- Not to me.
I'm not tempted.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like you brought in fancy water.
Just because I don't want to work there doesn't mean that we can't have some of those nice things here.
Have some spa water.
It's gonna be a good day.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [ALL GROANING.]
My bad! Have you seen the bathroom key? It's MIA.
Here's a quarter.
Take it to the Chevron.
- Tell 'em Ed sent you.
- [GROANS.]
[RINGTONE WHISTLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I know right about now, you're thinking it would be nice to work at a place like Cheer Up.
But there's a lot of great stuff about this place, too.
Mm-hmm? Just out of curiosity, could you give me an example? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
[WHIMPERS.]
Rooni, I'm sorry about the interview, okay? I was stupid.
I got caught up in the moment, and I told everyone we had sex on the first date, which we did.
But I will never, ever again tell everyone we had sex on the first date, which we did.
I'd like that stricken from the record, please.
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry.
Um, could you take this to Dale's office, please? - I hate Dale.
- [GROANS.]
Me, too.
Thank you.
What are you doing here, Alex? I don't want you to be mad at me, and you still are, okay? I made a mistake, I said I'm sorry How long are you going to make me suffer for this interview? All right, you wanna know the truth? - Yes! - I'm not even mad about the interview.
I'm mad because ever since you started this company Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
If this is gonna be about the company, gotta get it on tape.
It's gonna be good.
And go.
[WHISPERING.]
Use it.
Talk into the mic.
Oh, my God, this is exactly what I'm talking about! Everything you do now is about the company! - I want our life back.
- Fine.
Would it help if I told everyone Hey, I cried after I saw "Titanic"! There was plenty of room for Leo on that door! Shame on Rose! Shame on Rose.
Alex, I got a lot of work to do.
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Will you please change that? Ben showed me and I forgot how! You just go to settings, and then sound.
Change it to something not upsetting, like "Ding!" or "Do do do do!" ALEX: The hardest thing about my conversation with Rooni was that I wasn't sure how to fix what was bothering her.
Of course, I'm obsessed with the company.
I-I want it to work.
What am I supposed to do, let it fail? The only thing that you're capable of failing at is not succeeding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Remember at Cheer Up, when we'd leave for the day and we wouldn't think about it again until we walked in the next morning? By the way, how was Cheer Up? I forgot to ask you.
They're not gonna promote the show.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
When I left, I flipped a few desks.
Or at least I tried to.
They're very heavy.
- Mahogany.
- Mahogany.
It's such a heavy, heavy wood.
Yeah, very dense.
But do you remember how easy that was? The only time Rooni was ever mad at me was when I spent too much time putting the kids to sleep.
Maybe sometimes, you need to act like it's the way it used to be, even though it's not and it never will be.
Sometimes, maybe you need to block all the rest of that stuff out and just focus on her.
Make her feel special.
You know, you're right.
You're so right.
She probably feels like I'm taking her for granted.
Maybe we can't go back to the old days, but there's no reason we can't visit, right? Let's finish this later.
Thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
[GUITAR PLAYING BLUES RIFF.]
Did the hermit crab die? How would we know, Mom? How would we know? You were right.
Emily did have feelings for me.
Well, why are you sad? I thought you didn't like her like that.
I thought I didn't, but it's like I didn't know what I had until it was gone.
Should I write a song about that? I think someone might've beat you to it, bud.
Maybe you should just call her and tell her how you feel.
Oh, great.
More advice from the person who told me to break up with the love of my life.
Anyways, it wouldn't work.
- She won't even talk to me.
- Okay.
Well, then you gotta dig deep, Ben.
Think of a way to make it up to her Something that would mean a lot, and not just to anybody, but to Emily.
What would that be? You'll think of something.
[GUITAR PLAYING BLUES RIFF.]
[GUITAR STRUMMING.]
You sure you want to do this? I'm sure.
Well, good luck to you.
BEN: Things were looking up for me Till you walked back in Now I'm thinking of you again - People don't believe me when - GIRL: Is that Ben? I tell 'em that I'm over you Guess I'm no good at hiding BOTH: That I can't stop lovin' you Though I try and I try Hard to stop lovin' you, yeah I know you yearn for me, too Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you Oh, you can't stop lovin' me [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you both for this opportunity.
You made the right choice.
Oh, we should grab a drink later.
- I'm straight again! - This week.
[LAUGHTER.]
You got my number.
Hello, my name's Deirdre Riordan.
I used to work here at Cheer Up, and recently, they invited me back.
It's a very nice place, and they have made me feel very comfortable.
But sometimes, "comfortable" isn't enough because at the end of the day, it's about people The people who you admire and trust and who you'd do anything for, even if it means working in a decrepit warehouse that smells like dogs and black mold.
Atta girl.
Anyway, if you want to listen to the kind of show that comes from people with that kind of passion, I encourage you to listen to Alex Schuman's new podcast.
- [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
- It's called "Our Family's Business," available soon wherever you download podcasts.
I'm gonna kill you, Deirds! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - [LAUGHS.]
- [ENGINE REVS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Yeah! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey, what are you doing here? Let me just quickly make sure no one's here.
Okay, good.
Rooni, I am so sorry that work is such a big part of our lives right now, and I'm sorry I can't make that go away.
But one thing I can do is make sure that there are some things that are just ours.
I can do better on that.
I promise.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
And thank you for not recording this.
Yes, I am purse-less, just like in the old days.
Speaking of which, I was wondering if I could take you on a date.
What'd you have in mind? I was thinking Chinese take-out.
[LAUGHS.]
ROONI: I can't believe you found this car.
It's almost exactly like that piece of crap from college.
This is really sweet, babe.
It's too bad you couldn't make it rain.
[LAUGHS.]
Hold that thought.
[LAUGHS.]
Not bad, Mr.
Schuman.
Though I'm pretty sure you just locked us in here.
Okay, I didn't mean to.
But it's 2018, and we have our cellphones, which are on the front seat.
I think we may be here awhile.
I guess so.
I wonder what we should do now.
[GUITAR STRUMMING.]
ALEX: And what happened next, well that's none of your business.
I can't stop lovin' you Though I try and I try, hard to stop lovin' - [APPLAUSE.]
- There she is! Deirdre, that was the greatest heist in the history of radio.
Hey, it's a startup, right? Whatever needs to be done.
- Well, we got you something.
- Yeah, we did.
[GASPS.]
Just what I wanted! The LR2400XC! It has facial recognition for up to five faces.
- I call I get to be one of the faces.
- Me, too.
Okay, two faces left.
Also, we know you've been driving a car to make some extra cash.
That don't sit right with me, so - got you some mace.
- Yeah.
Oh.
That's the good stuff.
It burns everything, even your ears.
Great.
Just don't mace yourself accidentally.
Oh, that's another embarrassing thing you did.
Yeah, I thought it was breath spray.
Now I always double-check the label before I pump.
This one is good.
So I came up with a little idea for how to fix that.
And that was to start work at breakfast.
Eddie, why aren't you wearing pants? Sorry about that.
I spilled some syrup on my slacks.
I had to toss 'em in the washing machine.
But don't worry, I was able to add them to that load of your intimates.
By the way, you really ought to be hand-washing a lot of that stuff.
We're still working out the kinks.
Mm.
This milk has gone bad.
Oh, no, I brought that from home.
I'm intolerant of all milks except for walnut and deer.
You're sitting in my chair.
Well, I thought that was your chair.
It was yesterday.
But today, it's that one.
Well, I talked to my friend, the chair fairy, and she said that I could have this one today.
Not everything has a fairy, blondie.
Big day, everyone! Al has a very important promotional appearance.
I booked him on the "Vanessa Stanhope Show.
" Cool! Can't wait to listen! Uh, you will not be listening.
That show is not for kids.
She's totally R-rated.
Brian Sokolowski's mom lets him listen to it.
Well, Brian Sokolowski's mom is 95 percent chardonnay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Ben, your girlfriend's calling! She's not my girlfriend.
She's my band mate.
The only thing we're interested in making is beautiful music together.
I was in a band at your age.
I get it.
Make sure you make safe music.
Al, can I talk to you for a sec? When are we gonna be done with this? Oh, I think it's kind of working.
We're all getting along.
Wait, where's my folder? It was just here.
Maybe the folder fairy filed it away for you [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
in the dishwasher.
[DISHWASHER BEEPS.]
It was a huge day for us.
If I could nail this Vanessa Stanhope interview, it could change everything for the company.
Here are your talking points for the interview.
Sorry, but the printer was broken again.
Why am I the only one who even attempts to fix it? Oh, I'm so sorry, Deirdre, but you're the only one who knows how.
Plus, you got those little raccoon hands.
You know how to burrow in there and wake everything up.
You know, at my old job at Cheer Up, I used to actually produce radio shows.
It's a start-up.
Everyone's making sacrifices.
I had to talk to a guy with an artisanal mustache today.
- Oof.
- Okay, speaking of Cheer Up, I called over there to see if they would even consider promoting the podcast, - and they want me to come in.
- Really? Why would they want to do that after the way we left? I mean, tears were shed.
I mean, mostly by me, but tears were shed.
Surprisingly, they were open to it.
I thought Eddie could come with since promotion is technically his department.
That's a good idea! Eddie's been on a bit of a roll lately, booking me on this big, fancy radio show.
I can't believe Vanessa Stanhope actually knows who I am.
Who are you again? Oh, Alex Schuman with Ajana.
I just want to thank you so much for having me on your show.
I'm a huge fan, and I really think your listeners are gonna be very interested in my podcast.
No, they won't.
This isn't public radio, man.
My listeners don't wanna hear you softly try to solve a murder mystery to indie music for 12 weeks.
Oh, it's not a crime show.
These are people who are stuck in traffic, all right? They want you to make 'em laugh.
Keep it punchy.
Give me short, sexy anecdotes.
- What are those, talking points? - Yeah.
No.
You try to work these into the interview, it's gonna be over before you can whisper, "Whodunnit.
" - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Welcome back.
We are here with Arthur Schumberg Alex Schuman.
who wants to tell you about his new podcast.
Boring! [SNORING.]
But don't worry he was just about to tell me about the best sex he's ever had.
[AH-OOGAH! AH-OOGAH!.]
All right, kids.
You two get to jammin'.
And I will get to jammin', too.
Those PB&Js will be up in a Jiff peanut butter.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, come on.
[SIGHS.]
Can't all be winners.
Yeah, but some of them should be.
Did I tell you I like your shirt, Ben? Yeah, like eight times today.
- Ben, be nice.
- BEN: What? Emily doesn't mind it when I call it like I see it.
That's my Benny-Bear.
He's so honest.
That's why his music is so raw and truthful.
This girl's out of her mind.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what's this chorus you've been yapping about? Here goes.
I can't stop loving you Though I try and I try Hard to stop loving you, yeah I know you yearn for me, too Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you Oh, you can't stop lovin' me What do you think? Mm, not too shabby.
You're a little pitchy, but don't worry.
I'll be able to fix that in GarageBand.
Great.
I believe these are the chords? While I was off plugging our podcast with Vanessa Stanhope, Eddie and Deirdre were trying to get a plug at Cheer Up.
Glass of salad? Don't mind if I do.
I can't believe you used to work someplace so fancy.
Get a load of this table.
What is this, mahogany? [SNIFFS.]
Oh, yeah.
That's mahogany.
Take a sniff.
I-I don't know anything about smelling woods.
Beautiful, but very hard to move.
We should probably just leave it where it is, then.
- There she is! - Deirds! Eddie Laguzza, CFO of Ajana, orange belt in Jiu Jitsu.
That's not a threat, I just have to tell you.
Eddie, would it be okay if we talked to Deirdre alone for a sec? It's just some old colleague gossip.
- It would bore you.
- EDDIE: Sure.
I think I'll go revisit that strudel platter.
Those are free, right? Absolutely.
Enjoy.
I love this place.
So, Deirdre, we've been worried about you.
Tom Moffat said his girlfriend called an Uber the other day and when it showed up, you were driving it! What the heck, Deirds? DEIRDRE: Okay, well, that's just a way to make some extra cash, you know, until our salaries adjust slash start.
I only drive a few nights.
And weekends.
And holidays.
And the Super Bowl, and the even nights of Hanukkah, and my birthday.
- [TAMMY SIGHS.]
- That is so, so, so sad.
No, no, no.
Overall, things are great.
Which is why I'm super psyched you invited me here to talk about promoting Alex's podcast.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, Deirds.
Alex stabbed us in the back.
He can go to hell in a hand-basket.
- We don't even care how he gets there.
- Skip the basket.
- [GASPS.]
- We asked you here because we want you to come back to Cheer Up as an on-air host.
- What? - We miss your energy.
Your verve.
Your je ne sais quoi! I mean, merci, but I'm happy where I am.
Sure you are, of course.
You don't need to decide right now.
Just think about it.
- Hey, Quinn.
- There's my man! Quinn would be your assistant.
He just graduated from massage school.
Very strong hands.
I recommend the peppermint oil.
It tingles.
Are you sure you were allowed to take that? It was just sitting in the lobby on that table there.
Someone clearly left it behind.
So, you gonna take the job? What? How did you even I've been around the block a few times.
Plus, the guy replacing the crudités asked, "Is Deirdre gonna take the job?" Okay, no.
Totally no, never ever.
Totally never.
That's It's not even a thing.
Oh, that's very convincing.
[TING!.]
- Who's that guy? - Quinn.
He'd be working under me.
I mean, I'd be over him.
I mean, he'd be on me on my desk.
There would be a hierarchy, and I would sit on top of him.
You know what I mean! All right.
You're telling me that the best sex you've ever had was with your wife? - MAN: Whoa! - It's true.
It might be true, man, but it is so boring.
You know what, - [SNORES.]
- I think it's time to wrap this up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What if I told you that it all happened in the back of a police car? All right, that made it move a little.
Go on.
Oh, well, in college, I drove around in this beat-up old cop car I got at a police auction for no money.
And I had this idea to take Rooni on a date to the park.
We were gonna have take-out Chinese.
- Oi.
- So wait, wait, wait.
When we're picking up the take-out, it starts pouring rain.
So we're racing back to the car, we're drenched, we're totally laughing.
It's like "The Notebook," only slower.
Get to the good stuff, man! Okay, okay.
So, in our haste to get out of the rain, we jumped in the backseat.
But it's a police car, and those doors don't open from the inside.
Oh, I know.
So at first we were, like, panicking.
But then we realized, you know what? It's kind of romantic, you know? We got hot food, the rain is hitting the windows And then you two took it to bang town.
Well, I'm not gonna go into details.
But let's just say it was the best first date - Oh, it was the first date?! - [BOTH CHEERING.]
- MAN: There it is! - Ladies and gentlemen, we have a show.
[AH-OOGAH! AH-OOGAH!.]
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
- Well - Way to go, Alex, you dirty little freak.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
Everybody, keep your eyes peeled for Alex's new podcast, "Our Family's Business," and we'll be right back.
- [RADIO COMMERCIAL PLAYS.]
- Now, that's what I'm talking about.
You know, you got a cool wife, man.
She let you tell that story.
If I'd done that, my wife would kill me.
I came home praying Rooni hadn't heard me on the radio that afternoon.
Fortunately, I was pretty good at playing it cool.
- Hey.
- [SOFTLY.]
Hey.
How'd it go with Vanessa Stanhope? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Was that today? I remember doing it, it was just so long ago.
Hmm.
Cool.
Oh, hey, will you, um, call my phone? I don't know where it is.
Of course, baby.
And then after, I could draw you a nice, hot bath and we could drink some wine.
And we could watch "The Bachelorette"! I hear someone's in it for the wrong reasons.
VANESSA: Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Oh, here it is.
- Rooni Schuman gave it up - I got a new ringtone.
- on the first date.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Rooni Schu - I'm so sorry, baby, but I had to do something to get her to promote the show.
She kept baiting me and baiting me and saying I wasn't interesting.
And by the way, it worked.
The traffic on the website has spiked after the interview.
[SCOFFS.]
Unbelievable.
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Rooni Schuman gave it up - on the first date.
- It's your mom! All right, Benny-Bear, I don't wanna say goodbye.
You hang up first.
- Okay, bye.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Was that Emily? Didn't she just leave like 10 minutes ago? Well, she calls every couple hours.
Sometimes every hour.
Definitely after every meal and snack.
We need to have a talk, Benny-Bear.
I think Emily might want to be your girlfriend.
Mom, you probably think every girl wants to be my girlfriend.
No, I don't.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
She probably had some Bagel Bites or something.
Okay, you know what? At least one man in this house is going to be sensitive and upfront with a woman.
If Emily's really your friend, you don't want to lead her on.
You have to make sure she knows that you don't like her like that, okay? Okay, fine.
I'll talk to her, Mom.
Geez.
And be nice.
And don't do it on a nationally syndicated radio show.
I feel like that wasn't for me.
ALEX: I've never seen Rooni this upset.
- I gotta fix this, Ed.
- It's easy.
You said something embarrassing about her in public, so you gotta say something that embarrasses you in public.
What could I say that's as embarrassing as that? Slippery Rick's Water Park, 1998 You puked on the log flume.
It was so steep.
The audition tape you and your mom made for "The Amazing Race.
" The time you cried to get out of the jaywalking ticket.
Okay, that one is a different story because I'd just seen "Titanic" and I was very sensitive.
That cop got me mid-weep.
You know what, Rooni and I are adults.
I'm just gonna go talk to her.
Oh, you wired half your savings to that Nigerian Prince! I hope he's okay.
I haven't heard from him in a while.
Hey, Benny-Bear! - We still on for rehearsal tonight? - Uh, yeah.
So, listen to this.
My mom said the craziest thing yesterday.
She said that, you know, 'cause of how we FaceTime and that song that you wrote about how you're not able to stop loving me, and uh, she said that maybe you have a crush on me.
But I told her we're just friends.
Right? Yeah, for sure.
Okay, great! Parents are dumb.
I'll see you later for rehearsal.
Yeah.
Actually, I don't think I can rehearse today after all.
Oh.
Maybe tomorrow, then? I don't know.
I'll let you know, Benny Ben.
[LOCKER DOOR SLAMS.]
Sorry I'm late.
One of my Uber passengers just made me wait while he dumped his suitcase in the East River.
It was pretty heavy, but we got it done.
I've been thinking about your predicament, Deirdre.
It's very tempting, that Cheer Up place.
- Not to me.
I'm not tempted.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like you brought in fancy water.
Just because I don't want to work there doesn't mean that we can't have some of those nice things here.
Have some spa water.
It's gonna be a good day.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [ALL GROANING.]
My bad! Have you seen the bathroom key? It's MIA.
Here's a quarter.
Take it to the Chevron.
- Tell 'em Ed sent you.
- [GROANS.]
[RINGTONE WHISTLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I know right about now, you're thinking it would be nice to work at a place like Cheer Up.
But there's a lot of great stuff about this place, too.
Mm-hmm? Just out of curiosity, could you give me an example? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
[WHIMPERS.]
Rooni, I'm sorry about the interview, okay? I was stupid.
I got caught up in the moment, and I told everyone we had sex on the first date, which we did.
But I will never, ever again tell everyone we had sex on the first date, which we did.
I'd like that stricken from the record, please.
Hey, guys.
I'm so sorry.
Um, could you take this to Dale's office, please? - I hate Dale.
- [GROANS.]
Me, too.
Thank you.
What are you doing here, Alex? I don't want you to be mad at me, and you still are, okay? I made a mistake, I said I'm sorry How long are you going to make me suffer for this interview? All right, you wanna know the truth? - Yes! - I'm not even mad about the interview.
I'm mad because ever since you started this company Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
If this is gonna be about the company, gotta get it on tape.
It's gonna be good.
And go.
[WHISPERING.]
Use it.
Talk into the mic.
Oh, my God, this is exactly what I'm talking about! Everything you do now is about the company! - I want our life back.
- Fine.
Would it help if I told everyone Hey, I cried after I saw "Titanic"! There was plenty of room for Leo on that door! Shame on Rose! Shame on Rose.
Alex, I got a lot of work to do.
Rooni Schuman gave it up on the first date.
Will you please change that? Ben showed me and I forgot how! You just go to settings, and then sound.
Change it to something not upsetting, like "Ding!" or "Do do do do!" ALEX: The hardest thing about my conversation with Rooni was that I wasn't sure how to fix what was bothering her.
Of course, I'm obsessed with the company.
I-I want it to work.
What am I supposed to do, let it fail? The only thing that you're capable of failing at is not succeeding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Remember at Cheer Up, when we'd leave for the day and we wouldn't think about it again until we walked in the next morning? By the way, how was Cheer Up? I forgot to ask you.
They're not gonna promote the show.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
When I left, I flipped a few desks.
Or at least I tried to.
They're very heavy.
- Mahogany.
- Mahogany.
It's such a heavy, heavy wood.
Yeah, very dense.
But do you remember how easy that was? The only time Rooni was ever mad at me was when I spent too much time putting the kids to sleep.
Maybe sometimes, you need to act like it's the way it used to be, even though it's not and it never will be.
Sometimes, maybe you need to block all the rest of that stuff out and just focus on her.
Make her feel special.
You know, you're right.
You're so right.
She probably feels like I'm taking her for granted.
Maybe we can't go back to the old days, but there's no reason we can't visit, right? Let's finish this later.
Thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
[GUITAR PLAYING BLUES RIFF.]
Did the hermit crab die? How would we know, Mom? How would we know? You were right.
Emily did have feelings for me.
Well, why are you sad? I thought you didn't like her like that.
I thought I didn't, but it's like I didn't know what I had until it was gone.
Should I write a song about that? I think someone might've beat you to it, bud.
Maybe you should just call her and tell her how you feel.
Oh, great.
More advice from the person who told me to break up with the love of my life.
Anyways, it wouldn't work.
- She won't even talk to me.
- Okay.
Well, then you gotta dig deep, Ben.
Think of a way to make it up to her Something that would mean a lot, and not just to anybody, but to Emily.
What would that be? You'll think of something.
[GUITAR PLAYING BLUES RIFF.]
[GUITAR STRUMMING.]
You sure you want to do this? I'm sure.
Well, good luck to you.
BEN: Things were looking up for me Till you walked back in Now I'm thinking of you again - People don't believe me when - GIRL: Is that Ben? I tell 'em that I'm over you Guess I'm no good at hiding BOTH: That I can't stop lovin' you Though I try and I try Hard to stop lovin' you, yeah I know you yearn for me, too Lovin' you, lovin' you, lovin' you Oh, you can't stop lovin' me [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you both for this opportunity.
You made the right choice.
Oh, we should grab a drink later.
- I'm straight again! - This week.
[LAUGHTER.]
You got my number.
Hello, my name's Deirdre Riordan.
I used to work here at Cheer Up, and recently, they invited me back.
It's a very nice place, and they have made me feel very comfortable.
But sometimes, "comfortable" isn't enough because at the end of the day, it's about people The people who you admire and trust and who you'd do anything for, even if it means working in a decrepit warehouse that smells like dogs and black mold.
Atta girl.
Anyway, if you want to listen to the kind of show that comes from people with that kind of passion, I encourage you to listen to Alex Schuman's new podcast.
- [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
- It's called "Our Family's Business," available soon wherever you download podcasts.
I'm gonna kill you, Deirds! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - [LAUGHS.]
- [ENGINE REVS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Yeah! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey, what are you doing here? Let me just quickly make sure no one's here.
Okay, good.
Rooni, I am so sorry that work is such a big part of our lives right now, and I'm sorry I can't make that go away.
But one thing I can do is make sure that there are some things that are just ours.
I can do better on that.
I promise.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
And thank you for not recording this.
Yes, I am purse-less, just like in the old days.
Speaking of which, I was wondering if I could take you on a date.
What'd you have in mind? I was thinking Chinese take-out.
[LAUGHS.]
ROONI: I can't believe you found this car.
It's almost exactly like that piece of crap from college.
This is really sweet, babe.
It's too bad you couldn't make it rain.
[LAUGHS.]
Hold that thought.
[LAUGHS.]
Not bad, Mr.
Schuman.
Though I'm pretty sure you just locked us in here.
Okay, I didn't mean to.
But it's 2018, and we have our cellphones, which are on the front seat.
I think we may be here awhile.
I guess so.
I wonder what we should do now.
[GUITAR STRUMMING.]
ALEX: And what happened next, well that's none of your business.
I can't stop lovin' you Though I try and I try, hard to stop lovin' - [APPLAUSE.]
- There she is! Deirdre, that was the greatest heist in the history of radio.
Hey, it's a startup, right? Whatever needs to be done.
- Well, we got you something.
- Yeah, we did.
[GASPS.]
Just what I wanted! The LR2400XC! It has facial recognition for up to five faces.
- I call I get to be one of the faces.
- Me, too.
Okay, two faces left.
Also, we know you've been driving a car to make some extra cash.
That don't sit right with me, so - got you some mace.
- Yeah.
Oh.
That's the good stuff.
It burns everything, even your ears.
Great.
Just don't mace yourself accidentally.
Oh, that's another embarrassing thing you did.
Yeah, I thought it was breath spray.
Now I always double-check the label before I pump.
This one is good.