ALF s01e18 Episode Script
Border Song
Manure.
What? Add manure to your grocery list.
Why? So you won't forget it.
I mean, why do you want manure? To spread on my carrots.
Use butter, like everybody else.
No, it's for my garden.
My crops aren't doing very well.
I forgot to prime the soil with manure before i planted.
Isn't it too late for that? It's never too late for manure.
That would make a nice bumper sticker.
If this works out, i may expand.
Maybe plant some cotton, Or, in the winter, wool.
Expand? You've already torn up the whole backyard.
I can't help it.
I mean, i'm really into this gardening thing.
I love spending time in the sun, feeling the earth, Nurturing new life from the soil.
Well, i'm glad you enjoy it.
I also like eating the bugs.
** [ Willie .]
hola, yo deber-- Oh, wait a minute-- Yo deber localizar Un hombre nombre fredo mancia.
What? You speak english? Why didn't you say so? No, i don't think that's funny.
Never mind, i'm with the social services department Of los angeles county.
I'm trying to find a man named fredo mancia.
He's a farmer, he lives near san felipe.
I've got his son here.
Yes, i'll hold.
Those are my kids.
Ni?S, brian and lynn.
Lynn-- Can i go home now? No.
Lynn is 17, brian is siete.
Good night.
Good night, scott.
Why can't i go home? Everybody else is.
Ms.
Wine, i'm sorry this is taking so long, But we're trying to help this boy.
He's alone, he's frightened, He doesn't speak any english And if i'm going to put him alone on a bus back to mexico, I want to be sure there's somebody there to meet him.
You don't care what traffic's like this time of night.
Yes, i'm still here.
Have you found anyone Who knows anything about fredo mancia? You have? Great! He's gone? Gone where? Well, somebody must-- I'm-- I'm sorry, too.
It's a deal.
Good news, kate.
I just saved us 5 bucks.
How? I ordered the manure by the truck load.
That's exactly how you'll send it back.
Here, alf.
I have to go back for the onions.
Wait-- Is this all we've got? We should have used more manure.
Great.
Dust bowl '87.
What's wrong? There aren't many, but they're fine yams.
Mom, that's eggplant.
It's corn! You know, it's really weird.
None of the other plants will grow, But we have zucchini to fill a warehouse.
It's weirder than you think; I didn't plant zucchini.
I'm sure things will get better, alf.
Gardening is tougher than it looks.
It'd be a heck of a lot easier If it weren't for bob barker.
Bob barker? Yeah.
He comes into my garden at night and digs up the plants.
The game show host? Mom, "bob barker" is the ochmonek's dog.
Oh, the chihuahua.
Are chihuahuas fast? Alf, put that claw down.
Fine.
I'll use quicksand.
[ Imitates sucking sound .]
[ Ring .]
i'll get it.
Hello? Alf, put kate on.
Hey, kate.
I'm the king of france.
Never mind.
I'm going to be a little late.
Fine.
Who was that? It sounded like willie.
What did he say? He said, he was going to be late.
Did he say why? What am i, the desk clerk? [ Ring .]
Hotel tanner.
We were just talking about you.
Don't hang up.
I have to talk to kate.
There's something i have to tell her.
Is this about why you can't come home? Are you hiding something? I'm taking a mexican boy to catch his bus.
Oh, that's original.
Kate, you gotta hear this.
Pick up.
Honey, what's the problem? There's a boy here who's got to go back to mexico.
I can't reach his family, I don't want to abandon him, So i'm going to take him down and put him on the bus myself.
Well, i understand, honey.
Kate, you're buying that? Why are you still on the phone? Hang up.
In a second.
I want to hear the joke about the kid with no family.
This is not a joke.
The boy has a family.
He has a father.
I just-- I can't find him.
That's-- Why am i talking to you? I don't know.
You called.
Kate, be home a little later, okay? Bye-Bye.
Bye, honey.
Whoa! Don't give him those! I'm telling you, the 3-Point shot is ruining this game.
Dad! Wanna watch the game with us? No.
Alf, go in the kitchen.
I can't.
I've got money on this game.
You can read about the game tomorrow.
You bet on basketball games? Just college.
Only a fool bets on the pros.
Hey, kate, you owe me for the celtics game.
Kate-- I thought the celtics were a lock.
Bird was out, mchale had a sprained ankle-- Uh, could you just-- Could you set another plate for supper? Well, of course, but-- Go, alf, go! Hi, dad.
How come you're home so soon? Well, it appears that somebody missed his bus.
Hola.
Everybody, this is luis mancia.
Luis, this is everybody.
This is kate, uh-- This is se?Ra tanner, This is-- Lynn! Have we met? He saw your school picture on my desk.
You know i hate that picture.
I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it? I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people-- Luis, this is brian.
- Hi! - Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, And i'll sleep in the laundry room with-- - Brian-- - A-L-F.
I think the couch will be fine.
I think a-L-F can sleep in the garage.
[ Alf .]
whoopie! Brian, why don't you show luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay.
C'mon, luis.
Well, Something tells me that nobody knows he's here, do they? Not exactly.
You stole a kid? I borrowed him.
Just for 24 hours, just until i can find his dad.
Honey, what happened? I honestly don't know, kate.
I was at the last stop light right before the bus station, And instead of turning right, i turned left onto third-- I sort of got on the freeway, And then i sort of came home.
I thought you couldn't turn left on third.
It's one-Way! Well, not after 4 p.
M.
Alf, why-- What difference does it make to you? What difference does it make? Ha! I'm not driving with you anymore.
[ Slurp .]
[ Burp .]
i'll get the rest of that later.
[ Clunk .]
Bob barker.
Die, scurvy dog! ¡Dios mio! What are you doing here? ¡T?Eres un diablo! ¡Este casa esta embrujada, como laamityville horror! Shhh! Keep it down, will ya? ¡Por favor, no me lastimes! ¿Ves? Amigos.
¿T?Hablas espa?L? Yo soy alf.
Yo vengo del espacio.
Espacio? Melmac.
Ka-Boom! Never mind.
I knew i heard something.
Look-- He's gone.
Oh, no, i hope he didn't run away.
Listen! Do you hear voices? ¿Extraterrestre? S? ¿Un ser estraterrestre? ¿Por qu?Me asustaste? Yo pens?Que eras bob barker.
¿Del price is right? He's outside.
Oh, no! ¿Qu?Estabas haciendo con esto? Perd?.
Los estaba regando en las plantas.
La tierra es arenosa.
Aqu? Enséñame.
I didn't even know he knew spanish.
Well, it's very close to french.
¿Qu?Piensas de mi jard?? Bi?, podr?S usar mucho más Manure.
Thank you, thank you for your help.
Gracias.
I've tried every agency in mexico That might be able to find fredo mancia.
I don't know why i'm helping you.
Just watch.
We'll get caught, and i'll take the fall.
Ms.
Wine, I truly hate to compromise your high moral position, But if you think this boy doesn't deserve our help-- Then go! Tanner! Just heard a funny story.
Seems your mexican kid missed his bus yesterday.
That's the kind of thing that can cost somebody his job.
That is a funny story.
For now i'll assume this is a clerical error.
Told you i'd take the rap.
Right now it's 5:30, If your kid misses today's bus, i promise you an investigation.
Thank you.
Hold please.
Unless i need a note from my mother, I'm going to the ladies' room.
- Pick up line 1.
- I-- I can't take any calls.
You're not taking, you're placing.
An old boyfriend of mine, whom i now hate, Lives in cuernevaca and he sells equipment to all the farmers around there.
If anybody'll know about this mancia guy, he will.
And tell him i want my albums back.
Hello? You don't know me.
My name is willie tanner.
I'm in los angeles.
I'm trying to locate a farmer named fredo mancia.
They told me he moved-- He what? Hey, guys! How about a little break? Brian, get out the slip-N-Slide.
Not yet.
We're not done.
I've been thinking-- Isn't there some government program That pays you not to grow crops? Weeds.
Mala hierba.
Weeds.
Mala hierba.
Hey, hey! Hold it, hold it-- These aren't weeds.
I think it's my spinach.
Weeds.
Mala hierba.
I better tell your mom to hold off on that salad.
Mom, be honest, okay? How much longer do we have to eat zucchini? Well, assuming you take some when you go away to college-- Hi, honey.
Hi.
Well, what happened with luis' father? We've been waiting to hear.
I know.
Lynn, go get luis, will you? Sure.
He's in alf's garden.
You didn't find him, did you? Yes, i did.
Well, that's wonderful.
How? Ms.
Wine contacted an old boyfriend in mexico, And he knew.
I'm amazed.
No, she helps me sometimes.
No, i'm amazed she had a boyfriend.
Dad, what happened? Your dad found luis' father.
Where did you find him, dad? I think we should let luis answer that question.
What? You better tell him.
¡No, no! ¡No comprendo! ¡No comprendo! You comprende.
C'mon, it's time to come clean.
Luis.
Come here.
My dad is in riverside.
He has a job in a carpet factory.
You speak english? It's hard to fake words like "carpet factory.
" Luis' father had a farm in mexico, And when it went under, he got a work permit, And he moved to riverside.
Luis, i've spoken to your father.
He's so happy to hear that you're safe.
He's on his way to pick you up.
No! He'll make me stay! You ruined it, i almost got to go home on a bus, But you ruined everything! Luis, you want to go back? Yes.
My friends are there, I can work, i have a place to live.
I don't want to stay here.
But, luis, your father wants you here.
You can't make me stay! Luis-- If i may interject-- I think that i'm capable of handling this.
This is my job, you know.
Come on, willie.
He's not going to listen to you.
You're the one who found his father.
Do you think you can handle this any better? Well, maybe.
Luis and i have become very close.
- We've tilled together, - All right.
- We've mulched, - I know.
- We've hoed, - All right.
We've sprinkled.
All right! All right.
Talk.
Talk.
In private, please.
Well, shall we all go and sit out on the front porch? Well, it is a nice day.
Alf, maybe you and luis could go into the kitchen.
Come on, luis.
Let's go for a little-- How do you say "confab" in spanish? Confab.
So, otherwise, how was your day? Luis, let me ask you something.
You came here when? November? November 28.
Well, i've been here a lot longer than that, And i'm still getting used to it.
You have to give the place a chance.
But i don't know anybody here.
You know me.
We became friends right away.
You tried to hit me with a hoe! All right, it was a rocky start.
But we tilled together, We mulched, We hoed, we sprinkled-- All right! If i stay in riverside, will you come and visit? Probably not.
But, hey! There's no reason why you can't drop by here Once in a while and visit me.
Although, call first.
I may be in the shower.
No problema.
Luis, your father's here.
Thanks.
Hasta la vista.
I'm sorry, mr.
Tanner.
Thanks.
No problem.
Before you go, could i ask you a big, big favor? Sure.
Will you take some zucchini, please? I didn't plant zucchini! [ Video game beeping .]
Go! Yeah! Alf, we have to talk.
Just a second.
Easy shot! Hah! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
What is this? "Space invaders.
" What do they do? Crash into your garage, Eat all your food, dig up your yard? You're in a mood.
Yes, i am.
Because i found my good hoe in this condition.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
I was plowing up my garden and i hit a water main.
Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
So, you're giving up gardening? Not giving it up.
Just switching crops.
Oh, to what? [ Kate .]
willie!!! Earthworms.
Hey, i think i know that guy! Closed-Captioned by Copyrighted by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
What? Add manure to your grocery list.
Why? So you won't forget it.
I mean, why do you want manure? To spread on my carrots.
Use butter, like everybody else.
No, it's for my garden.
My crops aren't doing very well.
I forgot to prime the soil with manure before i planted.
Isn't it too late for that? It's never too late for manure.
That would make a nice bumper sticker.
If this works out, i may expand.
Maybe plant some cotton, Or, in the winter, wool.
Expand? You've already torn up the whole backyard.
I can't help it.
I mean, i'm really into this gardening thing.
I love spending time in the sun, feeling the earth, Nurturing new life from the soil.
Well, i'm glad you enjoy it.
I also like eating the bugs.
** [ Willie .]
hola, yo deber-- Oh, wait a minute-- Yo deber localizar Un hombre nombre fredo mancia.
What? You speak english? Why didn't you say so? No, i don't think that's funny.
Never mind, i'm with the social services department Of los angeles county.
I'm trying to find a man named fredo mancia.
He's a farmer, he lives near san felipe.
I've got his son here.
Yes, i'll hold.
Those are my kids.
Ni?S, brian and lynn.
Lynn-- Can i go home now? No.
Lynn is 17, brian is siete.
Good night.
Good night, scott.
Why can't i go home? Everybody else is.
Ms.
Wine, i'm sorry this is taking so long, But we're trying to help this boy.
He's alone, he's frightened, He doesn't speak any english And if i'm going to put him alone on a bus back to mexico, I want to be sure there's somebody there to meet him.
You don't care what traffic's like this time of night.
Yes, i'm still here.
Have you found anyone Who knows anything about fredo mancia? You have? Great! He's gone? Gone where? Well, somebody must-- I'm-- I'm sorry, too.
It's a deal.
Good news, kate.
I just saved us 5 bucks.
How? I ordered the manure by the truck load.
That's exactly how you'll send it back.
Here, alf.
I have to go back for the onions.
Wait-- Is this all we've got? We should have used more manure.
Great.
Dust bowl '87.
What's wrong? There aren't many, but they're fine yams.
Mom, that's eggplant.
It's corn! You know, it's really weird.
None of the other plants will grow, But we have zucchini to fill a warehouse.
It's weirder than you think; I didn't plant zucchini.
I'm sure things will get better, alf.
Gardening is tougher than it looks.
It'd be a heck of a lot easier If it weren't for bob barker.
Bob barker? Yeah.
He comes into my garden at night and digs up the plants.
The game show host? Mom, "bob barker" is the ochmonek's dog.
Oh, the chihuahua.
Are chihuahuas fast? Alf, put that claw down.
Fine.
I'll use quicksand.
[ Imitates sucking sound .]
[ Ring .]
i'll get it.
Hello? Alf, put kate on.
Hey, kate.
I'm the king of france.
Never mind.
I'm going to be a little late.
Fine.
Who was that? It sounded like willie.
What did he say? He said, he was going to be late.
Did he say why? What am i, the desk clerk? [ Ring .]
Hotel tanner.
We were just talking about you.
Don't hang up.
I have to talk to kate.
There's something i have to tell her.
Is this about why you can't come home? Are you hiding something? I'm taking a mexican boy to catch his bus.
Oh, that's original.
Kate, you gotta hear this.
Pick up.
Honey, what's the problem? There's a boy here who's got to go back to mexico.
I can't reach his family, I don't want to abandon him, So i'm going to take him down and put him on the bus myself.
Well, i understand, honey.
Kate, you're buying that? Why are you still on the phone? Hang up.
In a second.
I want to hear the joke about the kid with no family.
This is not a joke.
The boy has a family.
He has a father.
I just-- I can't find him.
That's-- Why am i talking to you? I don't know.
You called.
Kate, be home a little later, okay? Bye-Bye.
Bye, honey.
Whoa! Don't give him those! I'm telling you, the 3-Point shot is ruining this game.
Dad! Wanna watch the game with us? No.
Alf, go in the kitchen.
I can't.
I've got money on this game.
You can read about the game tomorrow.
You bet on basketball games? Just college.
Only a fool bets on the pros.
Hey, kate, you owe me for the celtics game.
Kate-- I thought the celtics were a lock.
Bird was out, mchale had a sprained ankle-- Uh, could you just-- Could you set another plate for supper? Well, of course, but-- Go, alf, go! Hi, dad.
How come you're home so soon? Well, it appears that somebody missed his bus.
Hola.
Everybody, this is luis mancia.
Luis, this is everybody.
This is kate, uh-- This is se?Ra tanner, This is-- Lynn! Have we met? He saw your school picture on my desk.
You know i hate that picture.
I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it? I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people-- Luis, this is brian.
- Hi! - Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, And i'll sleep in the laundry room with-- - Brian-- - A-L-F.
I think the couch will be fine.
I think a-L-F can sleep in the garage.
[ Alf .]
whoopie! Brian, why don't you show luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay.
C'mon, luis.
Well, Something tells me that nobody knows he's here, do they? Not exactly.
You stole a kid? I borrowed him.
Just for 24 hours, just until i can find his dad.
Honey, what happened? I honestly don't know, kate.
I was at the last stop light right before the bus station, And instead of turning right, i turned left onto third-- I sort of got on the freeway, And then i sort of came home.
I thought you couldn't turn left on third.
It's one-Way! Well, not after 4 p.
M.
Alf, why-- What difference does it make to you? What difference does it make? Ha! I'm not driving with you anymore.
[ Slurp .]
[ Burp .]
i'll get the rest of that later.
[ Clunk .]
Bob barker.
Die, scurvy dog! ¡Dios mio! What are you doing here? ¡T?Eres un diablo! ¡Este casa esta embrujada, como laamityville horror! Shhh! Keep it down, will ya? ¡Por favor, no me lastimes! ¿Ves? Amigos.
¿T?Hablas espa?L? Yo soy alf.
Yo vengo del espacio.
Espacio? Melmac.
Ka-Boom! Never mind.
I knew i heard something.
Look-- He's gone.
Oh, no, i hope he didn't run away.
Listen! Do you hear voices? ¿Extraterrestre? S? ¿Un ser estraterrestre? ¿Por qu?Me asustaste? Yo pens?Que eras bob barker.
¿Del price is right? He's outside.
Oh, no! ¿Qu?Estabas haciendo con esto? Perd?.
Los estaba regando en las plantas.
La tierra es arenosa.
Aqu? Enséñame.
I didn't even know he knew spanish.
Well, it's very close to french.
¿Qu?Piensas de mi jard?? Bi?, podr?S usar mucho más Manure.
Thank you, thank you for your help.
Gracias.
I've tried every agency in mexico That might be able to find fredo mancia.
I don't know why i'm helping you.
Just watch.
We'll get caught, and i'll take the fall.
Ms.
Wine, I truly hate to compromise your high moral position, But if you think this boy doesn't deserve our help-- Then go! Tanner! Just heard a funny story.
Seems your mexican kid missed his bus yesterday.
That's the kind of thing that can cost somebody his job.
That is a funny story.
For now i'll assume this is a clerical error.
Told you i'd take the rap.
Right now it's 5:30, If your kid misses today's bus, i promise you an investigation.
Thank you.
Hold please.
Unless i need a note from my mother, I'm going to the ladies' room.
- Pick up line 1.
- I-- I can't take any calls.
You're not taking, you're placing.
An old boyfriend of mine, whom i now hate, Lives in cuernevaca and he sells equipment to all the farmers around there.
If anybody'll know about this mancia guy, he will.
And tell him i want my albums back.
Hello? You don't know me.
My name is willie tanner.
I'm in los angeles.
I'm trying to locate a farmer named fredo mancia.
They told me he moved-- He what? Hey, guys! How about a little break? Brian, get out the slip-N-Slide.
Not yet.
We're not done.
I've been thinking-- Isn't there some government program That pays you not to grow crops? Weeds.
Mala hierba.
Weeds.
Mala hierba.
Hey, hey! Hold it, hold it-- These aren't weeds.
I think it's my spinach.
Weeds.
Mala hierba.
I better tell your mom to hold off on that salad.
Mom, be honest, okay? How much longer do we have to eat zucchini? Well, assuming you take some when you go away to college-- Hi, honey.
Hi.
Well, what happened with luis' father? We've been waiting to hear.
I know.
Lynn, go get luis, will you? Sure.
He's in alf's garden.
You didn't find him, did you? Yes, i did.
Well, that's wonderful.
How? Ms.
Wine contacted an old boyfriend in mexico, And he knew.
I'm amazed.
No, she helps me sometimes.
No, i'm amazed she had a boyfriend.
Dad, what happened? Your dad found luis' father.
Where did you find him, dad? I think we should let luis answer that question.
What? You better tell him.
¡No, no! ¡No comprendo! ¡No comprendo! You comprende.
C'mon, it's time to come clean.
Luis.
Come here.
My dad is in riverside.
He has a job in a carpet factory.
You speak english? It's hard to fake words like "carpet factory.
" Luis' father had a farm in mexico, And when it went under, he got a work permit, And he moved to riverside.
Luis, i've spoken to your father.
He's so happy to hear that you're safe.
He's on his way to pick you up.
No! He'll make me stay! You ruined it, i almost got to go home on a bus, But you ruined everything! Luis, you want to go back? Yes.
My friends are there, I can work, i have a place to live.
I don't want to stay here.
But, luis, your father wants you here.
You can't make me stay! Luis-- If i may interject-- I think that i'm capable of handling this.
This is my job, you know.
Come on, willie.
He's not going to listen to you.
You're the one who found his father.
Do you think you can handle this any better? Well, maybe.
Luis and i have become very close.
- We've tilled together, - All right.
- We've mulched, - I know.
- We've hoed, - All right.
We've sprinkled.
All right! All right.
Talk.
Talk.
In private, please.
Well, shall we all go and sit out on the front porch? Well, it is a nice day.
Alf, maybe you and luis could go into the kitchen.
Come on, luis.
Let's go for a little-- How do you say "confab" in spanish? Confab.
So, otherwise, how was your day? Luis, let me ask you something.
You came here when? November? November 28.
Well, i've been here a lot longer than that, And i'm still getting used to it.
You have to give the place a chance.
But i don't know anybody here.
You know me.
We became friends right away.
You tried to hit me with a hoe! All right, it was a rocky start.
But we tilled together, We mulched, We hoed, we sprinkled-- All right! If i stay in riverside, will you come and visit? Probably not.
But, hey! There's no reason why you can't drop by here Once in a while and visit me.
Although, call first.
I may be in the shower.
No problema.
Luis, your father's here.
Thanks.
Hasta la vista.
I'm sorry, mr.
Tanner.
Thanks.
No problem.
Before you go, could i ask you a big, big favor? Sure.
Will you take some zucchini, please? I didn't plant zucchini! [ Video game beeping .]
Go! Yeah! Alf, we have to talk.
Just a second.
Easy shot! Hah! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
What is this? "Space invaders.
" What do they do? Crash into your garage, Eat all your food, dig up your yard? You're in a mood.
Yes, i am.
Because i found my good hoe in this condition.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
I was plowing up my garden and i hit a water main.
Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
So, you're giving up gardening? Not giving it up.
Just switching crops.
Oh, to what? [ Kate .]
willie!!! Earthworms.
Hey, i think i know that guy! Closed-Captioned by Copyrighted by alien productions.
All rights reserved.