ALF s02e10 Episode Script

Isn't It Romantic?

What are you watching ? I'm watching you spill popcorn all over the floor.
Yeah -- Be careful where you step.
Oh, "casablanca" ! Yeah, great film.
I've seen it so many times.
Then you won't mind if i change the channel.
Alf ! It's godzilla week on channel 6.
Stop the presses ! They're showing "godzilla vs.
The thing" "Godzilla vs.
King kong" And "godzilla vs.
The smog monster.
" Guess which one this is ? I'm not guessing.
I'll give you a hint -- Cough.
"Godzilla vs the smog monster" ? Wrong ! Wrong ? Why were you coughing ? Popcorn stuck in my throat.
I don't think you should watch this movie.
They always give you nightmares.
Correction -- Used to give me nightmares.
I've matured since the "blob" festival.
Roar ! Aaaah !!! ** You look nice.
I don't feel right about going to the play by myself.
Would you feel better if i went with you, And alf destroyed the house ? You're right.
It's nice to know that when i come home, There'll be a home to come home to.
It won't last forever.
He's just more destructive during hockey season.
I'm telling him we're going out separately, Just because of him.
He's got to learn to behave.
When he tries to behave, he gets nervous, and breaks even more things.
How many more things can there be ? What was all that noise ? I don't know.
As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back -- Something might be broken.
" In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.
Where are you going ? I'm going to see a musical.
Musicals are dumb.
Out of the blue, people burst into song.
Hence, the term "musical.
" Wouldn't it get on your nerves if i started singing -- * hey, kate ain't it great * * hey, willie, you look silly * It's getting on my nerves.
See what i mean ? What's it called ? "Cats.
" Take me, please ! Afterwards, we'll go backstage and eat the actors.
They're not real cats; they're actors.
Yech ! I'll pass.
How come you're not going ? Well, uh Actually Do you remember when we left you alone, And you blew up the kitchen? Oh, yeah.
I get nervous just thinking about it.
Well, i'm not going because i don't feel well.
I have a slight fever.
Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.
No ! You don't sound that sick.
Is there something wrong between you two ? Of course not.
You wouldn't lie to the old alfer ? No.
Because i always tell the truth.
Example -- Your socks are limp.
Goodbye, have abye.
Good time.
And those glasses make you look "owlish.
" Goodbye, alf.
Did i mention he has a funny walk ? * ta da * All right, let's go for 3.
Brian, time for bed.
But alf's teaching me how to juggle.
New rule -- No juggling with glasses Oh, great.
No juggling plates; Now, no juggling glasses.
What's next -- Lucky ? No juggling the cat.
Darn, there go my plans for "circus of the strays.
" Come on, brian.
Good night,good alf.
How was your date ?Fun.
Tell me after i put brian to bed.
I want to hear, too.
Brian -- I thought you hated that "smishy stuff.
" It's better than going to bed.
Cute repartee, huh ? Adorable.
Did you ask lizard to marry you ? No, why would i do that ? Don't you want to be mrs.
Lynn lizard ? A little cottage with a white picket fence ? I hadn't thought about it.
Well, think about it.
I'll need a place to crash when your parents get a divorce.
My parents aren't getting divorced.
Don't be so sure.
I'm a student of the breakup of the nuclear family.
No you're not.
All right, i'm a student of the breakup Of a planet by nuclear boo-Boo.
But i do know when a romance is dying.
My parents' romance isn't dying.
Then why are they always doing things separately ? It can't be because of me.
Perish the thought.
We can't take the chance that something's wrong.
We must take action.
Must we ? Trust me on this one.
I've been wrong so many times before.
Can mom & dad come out now ? Just as soon as i spit-Shine these plates.
That won't be necessary.
Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes.
You can come out.
Wait !Cover your eyes first.
Is that really necessary ? Humor me.
No fair peeking ! Ouch ! I guess you weren't peeking.
Okay, open.
Alf ! What is the occasion ? On melmac, it's "rag on the martians" day, But here, it's just "kate & willie" day.
Come on, sit down; enjoy.
Thank you.
I was going to prepare a lovely chateaubriand, But i have no idea what that is.
So you're getting hamburgers.
And champagne.
It's dry and fruity -- With just a hint of wackiness.
I dropped in a worm for that "south of the border" flavor.
No, i'll pass.
All right, i'll give it to lucky.
He loves this imported stuff.
No, alf, give that to me.
I want to know why you did all this.
I just wanted you to have a nice candle-Light dinner at home.
The 2 of you -- Willie & kate, kate & willie; Husband & wife, man & woman; Circle with an arrow pointing up; Circle with a little cross pointing down.
That's enough, alf.
See you later.
What's he up to ? Until we find out, we might just a well enjoy it.
He has created a nice atmosphere.
I feel under-Dressed in my own living room.
Gang way, coming through -- Soup and salad.
In 1 pot.
How convenient.
Less dishes for you to wash.
I wanted this night to be perfect.
Now, you two lovebirds talk amongst yourselves.
He's odd.
Even for an alien.
I just figured out why he's doing all this.
He thinks we're having marital problems.
Why ? The dinner, Trying to get us to be romantic Maybe he overheard us arguing last night.
That wasn't an argument.
That was a difference of opinion.
Lynn isn't old enough to go on a ski trip.
too young.
Let's not start again.
It was settled last night.
Nothing was settled -- You fell asleep.
Before i fell asleep, You said you agreed with me.
I was going on trips like this, younger than lynn.
I wouldn't have approved of that, either.
I'm surprised you let me go on our honeymoon.
That's ludicrous.
[ Kate .]
ludicrous ? What's going on ? It's time for you to step into the 80's.
Could we continue this argument in private ? I thought this was a difference of opinion ! I was wrong ! That's not the only Says who ? You're so unreasonable.
Told you this marriage was on the rocks.
No julie, he hasn't called yet.
How can he when you keep calling to see if he called ? Quick ! Hang up ! Dial 911 -- Nine, uno, uno.
I gotta go ! Bye ! Hurry up ! Wait, i don't smell smoke.
Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire ? Sorry.
It's willie and kate.
They've been fighting all night ! Were you listening outside their door again ? Inside their door.
Under their bed.
Anyway, i distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't alf's fault.
" That was probably mom.
Actually, it was me.
Then they walked out on each other.
I'm an orphan ! I don't want to be an orphan.
I saw annie.
Orphans have to eat gruel, And tap dance with mops.
Listen to me.
Mom and dad haven't abandoned us.
They're having a little fight, that's all.
I just hope mom wins, so i can go on that ski trip.
They won't settle anything, without our help.
Our help ? Please, lynn.
This is the only family that i've got.
This is the only family i've got.
Really ? No wonder you're always hanging around ! Now, let's see -- How would we solve this problem on melmac ? Let me guess -- You'd play tug-Of-War with a cat.
That only takes your mind off your troubles.
It never solves anything.
Wait, i remember.
To get a couple back together, We'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
I wonder what their happiest moment was.
The day they met me ? Think again.
The day after they met me ! Keep thinking ! I can't ! My brain hurts ! Aghhh.
They're always talking about their honeymoon.
Great ! Yeah, that's it ! Let's recreate their honeymoon.
Where did they go ? Niagra falls.
Oh, real original.
Well, what do you think ? It does look a little like the hotel Quick, take your position.
Alf ?Alf ? Ring the bell, willie.
What's going on ? You said this was an emergency ! Ring the bell, willie.
What bell ? Oh, sorry.
Ring the bell, willie.
[ Ding .]
You rang ? What's the emergency ? Ring the bell, kate.
Tell us what the emergency is ! It will be self-Explanatory.
Voila ! [ Ding ding ding .]
May i take your bags ? What bags ? Right there.
What are those doing there ? Don't ask me.
I just work here.
[ Ding ding ding .]
You must be mr.
& Mrs.
Welcome to niagra falls.
Niagra falls ? It's alf's way to get you to stop being mad.
We're not mad at each other.
Too late.
We're going through with this.
How do you do ? I'm fritz von fingerhoff.
On behalf of my staff, Welcome to the beautiful duke of the mist hotel.
Duke of the mist It's where we spent our honeymoon.
Who's fritz von fingerhoff ? It beats me.
I just liked the name.
I gather this is supposed to be a second honeymoon.
Wrong, a first honeymoon.
Now, imagine -- It's july 11th 1967.
The summer of love.
Outside, is niagra falls.
[ Water noises .]
I feel the spray.
Willie tanner and kate halligan have just been married.
Kate's mother, dorothy, cries buckets and buckets, Before, during, and after the ceremony.
How do you know so much about our wedding ? I showed him your wedding album.
Willie, never wear tails again.
And kate, Careful ! You were a lovely bride.
Thank you.
Stretch, show them to their honeymoon suite.
Right this way.
Thank you, stretch.
First, won't you sign the register.
& Mrs.
Smith ? That's the same joke you tried The desk clerk didn't laugh then, either.
We checked it out.
One more thing I trust you won't be stealing our towels and ash trays.
We'd never do a thing like that ! Ahem I found this in the basement.
Without further ado, i present the honeymoon sweet.
Honeymoon sweet ? Wait a minute.
Isn't someone going to carry the bride over the threshold ? Okay, but if i get a hernia, You're looking at a lawsuit.
Come on kate.
Alf ! No ! Go on dad, pick her up.
Yeah, dad.
Whisk her off her feet.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, honey ! All right ! You tarzan ! What happened to our bedroom ? Alf redecorated.
Tacky, huh.
You can see why we keep this in the basement.
I wanted to put you in the mood.
I've turned it into a replica of your honeymoon suite.
Where did you get this hotel sign ? Remember that sign that said, "happy noel ?" You didn't know i was a master glassblower.
You didn't know i bought that sign for lynn's 1st christmas.
There is so much about each other that we don't know.
May i put your bags down ? Certainly, my good man.
Thank you.
Thank you ! Someday, i want to have a little boy just like stretch ! If i can be of further assistance, don't hesitate to ask.
And a girl, like consuela.
Oh, if you decide about the ski trip, Please notify the front desk.
Well, we've done our part.
Now it's your turn.
A nickel ! Don't expect clean sheets ! This is kind of silly.
Yeah, But this really brings back memories.
It sure does.
It seems like it was only yesterday.
You were so handsome.
I don't care what alf says, I loved you in tails.
He got one thing right.
You sure were a lovely bride.
You know what i remember most ? What ? How much i loved you.
And i still do.
Oh honey, i love you, too.
Kate, i'm sorry about our fight.
No, it was a difference of opinion.
What ? No I was just thinking -- Do you remember what happened when we started to kiss ? The water pipes burst.
Go ahead willie, give her a big smack ! Hit it, brian.
No ! No ! Aghhh.
I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.
There's no use both of us staying home Just because i'm sick.
Say hello to your mother for me.
I'll be thinking about you.
[ Sneeze .]
Where's she going ? She's going to her mother's.
Without you ? I get it, lynn's on her ski trip And you don't trust me to be alone.
Sure we do, but i'm sick.
I caught cold because somebody hosed me down in my own bedroom.
Oh, baloney ! Alf ! Go to your mother-In-Law's.
Yes ! No ! Oh, all right.
You do look a little pale.
You better lie down.
Oh, thanks.
That's a good idea.
Let me tuck you in.
There you go.
Thanks, alf.
You're a good friend.
Hey, anything for my willie.
Want me to press my lips against your forehead ? [ Gasp.]
Captions performed by by alien productions.
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