ALF s02e25 Episode Script
We are Family
$300 in phone calls ? Sorry.
I've been bored.
Half of these are to lynn's phone.
I've been lazy, too.
You federal expressed a letter to brian ? It absolutely, positively, had to be there.
[ Knocking .]
Hey, tanners.
It's us ! Alf kitchen.
No problem.
I'll call a cab.
You'll walk ! Now ! One day, i'll walk into that kitchen And keep on walking ! [ Crash .]
ow ! Hi, trevor, raquel.
What's up ? Tomorrow night we're having a surprise party for jake.
To celebrate his passing 8th grade after only one year.
He's so smart, it's scary.
A $300 phone bill ? Yes, that's our phone bill.
Most are to lynn's phone.
We're a close family.
What's your r.
S.
V.
P.
? I'm sure we can be there.
Come at 8 and we'll break the pi?Ta at 9.
Toodles.
A pi?Ta ! Let me at it ! Oh, alf, you know you have to stay here.
Great !A party where stuff gets broken, And i can't go ! ** Hi, alf.
Didn't you see the sign ? "Genius at work.
" I'm sorry.
I didn't make the connection.
Ha-Ha-Ha.
Since you're here, check this out.
"Do not be afraid.
I'm a superior being from melmac.
Even on melmac, i was considered above average.
" Of course, they did grade on a curve.
Read on.
"I'm not a god.
"There is no reason to kneel.
Okay, if you insist.
" Works for me; you ? I assume this is more than a typing lesson.
It's my press release.
I've decided to reveal myself to the world.
Then, i can meet new people, travel, See a "grateful dead" concert.
I don't think the authorities would let you out in public, Much less become a deadhead.
You'd become government property.
Fine, as long as i've got my freedom.
Don't you understand ? You'd have no freedom.
Are you saying i'd have no freedom ? Yes ! Think about it.
You'd be a specimen on a shelf.
You'd be alone in a lab.
Doomed to spend every day in isolation.
Look at this.
They've got me wired for cable.
Let me see.
Which was the button for a cheeseburger ? Uh Ahhh ! That's not it ! Uh Ahhh ! I've got to label these buttons.
Great.
I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery ! Hey, you ! Come here.
Yes ? How did you get out of your cage ? I work here.
Sorry.
I'll give you $5 to let me out.
$10, if you clean the cage while i'm out.
Can't do it ! Please.
I've got to get out of here.
I've got a family.
I've got a life.
I've got a cake in the oven ! You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, Specimen alf/1.
I'm not a specimen.
I'm a spaceman.
Get the teeth fixed, boris.
Ahhh ! I guess there's still no word from the governor.
You're living in the dark ages, willie.
What would happen if you went public ? If i revealed myself, I could be a star.
Could not.
Could too.
I might even get my own tv show, A poignant drama about my generation.
We'll call it, "230 something.
" Keep dreaming.
It's not a dream.
This could really happen.
Maybe i'll host a talk show, like david letterman.
I have a gap between my teeth.
Yes, yes.
My, oh, my, we're having some fun tonight.
Later, on "stupid pet tricks," You'll see a cat do a Ha-Ha ! [ Crash .]
I almost forgot -- Say, "hello" to willie tanner.
[ Applause .]
Hi, babe.
I want to thank you for bringing me on board After you fired paul shaffer.
You're welcome.
Willie boy -- He does it all, Including my laundry.
Ha ! Ha-Ha-Ha, ha-Ha-Ha.
What ? You've got a vivid imagination.
And a surprisingly big ego, "babe.
" You're close to losing the bandleader gig.
I don't want to be a bandleader.
Just think, before you do something stupid.
Would inviting 10 newspapers to a press conference, Be considered stupid ? Yes ! Too late ! You called And a couple of tv stations.
Tomorrow at 1 pm, I shall expose myself to the world.
No ! You're right.
Maybe i should put on some pants.
No reporters yet.
I can't believe it.
This is the worst thing alf has ever done.
Maybe they thought alf was a crank.
At least one reporter is coming.
I promised him whiskey.
Why are you dressed in that getup? Showmanship, babe.
My real space suit looks like a hefty bag.
Look, i just want to be free.
As free as the wind blows, As free as the grass grows, Born free, to follow my heart.
We understand, but you've got to realize -- Live free, as beauty surrounds me.
The world still astounds me.
Hi, dad.
Did you get it ? Alf, i got something for you.
A coming-Out present ! Not exactly.
A video tape.
All right ! Wait, this is a documentary.
Just the antidote for my boredom.
I want you to watch this.
What's that ? A ugandan orangutan.
What's he throwing at the camera ? Never mind.
This is the part i want you to watch.
[ Tv .]
the ugandan orangutan had become extinct, Except for this last male, As there were no females for breeding.
I know the feeling.
The last orangutan was captured, And isolated, until its death last year.
Scientists speculate the animal died of loneliness.
[ Tv off .]
That was nice.
I think i hear the reporter coming.
Don't you understand ? You could end up like that poor animal.
That won't happen to me.
I'm one of a kind.
So was the orangutan.
[ Gasp .]
[ Doorbell .]
Blimey, what have i done ? Hide me !Hide me ! Where are you going ? I want to be alone.
Come on, keep me company.
Hello.
I'm here for the media event of the century.
It's been canceled.
Whiskey been canceled, too ? Yes.
It figures.
Alf, are you all right ? Yeah.
If robin leach calls back, Just say, "alf who ?" Alf ? [ Yawn .]
Welcome to alf-Catraz.
How was the party tonight ? Oh, it was okay, i guess.
Jake broke the pi?Ta.
Trevor bruised 2 ribs diving for the candy.
Alf What are you doing ? When melmacians try to drown our sorrows, We gravitate towards cheap, imitation porcelain.
I'll have you know, this is expensive Imitation porcelain.
We also eat more.
How is that possible ? Our spare stomachs open up.
By the way, Don't bother looking for your laxative-On-A-Rope.
You mean my soap-On-A-Rope ? Trust me on this one.
Here you go, alf.
Wow, you really are depressed.
I need something to wash this down.
Got any ketchup ? Coming right up.
Dad, we've got to do something.
Right.
You may not want to watch this, willie.
I've seen you eat before.
[ Slobbering sounds .]
[ Kate .]
get out of this bathroom ! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final ! [ Door slams .]
[ Alf .]
fine !I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, alf, could you come out here.
Sure, why not ? It's not like i was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
Surprise ! Willie, intruder alert ! I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob.
[ Everyone talks at once .]
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I know this mob.
We invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going ? Give me five ! Here's four.
I owe you one ! How you doing, alf ? Larry, my shrink ! Nice to see you when i'm not wacko.
I challenge that.
Grandma dorothy.
How's your much younger husband, wizzer ? Always a pleasure.
Jody is here.
Citizen cane ! Nice to see you.
Nice not to see you ! Ha-Ha, what a kidder ! Watch out for the lamp ! Alf, we wanted to show you Your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, But we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more.
Where are the presents ? Presents ? We gave you presents at christmas and your birthday, And on st.
Melmac's day, Which i doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents.
I guess it's enough that my friends And dorothy, are here.
Surprise ! Oh, boy ! Friends with presents are the best kind And dorothy.
[ Laughter .]
[ Alf .]
i'll open your present next, jody.
[ Jody .]
i'll have to take your word for that.
[ Laughter .]
A sweater ! Thank you.
You're welcome.
You can get rid of that ratty one you're always wearing.
I'd better start using a conditioner.
She thinks alf's fur is a sweater.
Didn't i warn you ? Jody doesn't know alf's an alien.
Uh-Oh.
What ? I told her about alf eating your tennis racket Because he thought the strings were made of catgut.
Hey, thanks, dorothy.
I always wanted to learn how to play jai alai.
It's a dustbuster.
I know that.
I was being whimsical.
I thought you could get off your duff, And do a little housework.
You shouldn't have.
I really mean it ! Alf ! I fixed the cd player you broke.
Great ! [ Groans .]
My birthday is in 6 months.
Uh brian come here.
Speech ! Speech ! Hear ! Hear ! Unaccustomed as i am to public speaking, As there's very seldom a public here to speak to, I'll be brief.
I wouldn't put money on that.
Mom, shhh.
Actually, i just wanted to say That i never realized how good i have it.
I don't need to go out and make new friends.
I already have the best friends Including dorothy, Anyone could have.
Why, alf, thank you.
Thank you very -- Dottie's gonna cry-Yy.
Stop it ! I am not.
[ Knocking .]
hey, tanners ! It's trevor.
He wasn't invited.
That never stops him.
I think, just for a change of pace, i'll Hide in the kitchen.
I kill us.
Why is alf hiding ? He owes them money.
You said they were going out.
They always go dancing on saturdays.
Hi, do you know where jake went? Right here ! You're having a party.
How interesting.
We weren't invited ? After having them over last night ! I'm sure they had a good reason for stiffing us.
It's not a "party" party.
It's a tupperware party.
Where you have to buy stuff ? Gotta dance ! But i will have a slab of cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Bring raquel one, too.
I'm sorry for the interruption.
No problem.
I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those two.
It keeps me young.
Not me.
Willie ? Thanks for the party and everything.
It's nice to know there's someone around To save me from myself.
You're welcome, pal ! [ Raquel .]
willie, i need a doggy bag.
[ Kate .]
raquel, don't go in there.
Ahh, the game is afoot.
** [ piano playing .]
Alf, aren't you having a good time ? Yeah, i'm just sick of larry telling About me eating the tennis racket.
There he was with the handle sticking out of his mouth ! I can't believe i invited them all back tomorrow.
You what ? They're my friends and dorothy.
Besides, i can use the extra presents.
Willie, do you know "and the band played on" ? Sure.
Well, play it ! ** [ Dorothy singing off key .]
* casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde * * and the band played on * And on, and on, and on * and the band played on * * his brain was so loaded it nearly exploded * * the poor girl would shake with alarm * * he married the girl with the strawberry curl * * and the band played on ** Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
I've been bored.
Half of these are to lynn's phone.
I've been lazy, too.
You federal expressed a letter to brian ? It absolutely, positively, had to be there.
[ Knocking .]
Hey, tanners.
It's us ! Alf kitchen.
No problem.
I'll call a cab.
You'll walk ! Now ! One day, i'll walk into that kitchen And keep on walking ! [ Crash .]
ow ! Hi, trevor, raquel.
What's up ? Tomorrow night we're having a surprise party for jake.
To celebrate his passing 8th grade after only one year.
He's so smart, it's scary.
A $300 phone bill ? Yes, that's our phone bill.
Most are to lynn's phone.
We're a close family.
What's your r.
S.
V.
P.
? I'm sure we can be there.
Come at 8 and we'll break the pi?Ta at 9.
Toodles.
A pi?Ta ! Let me at it ! Oh, alf, you know you have to stay here.
Great !A party where stuff gets broken, And i can't go ! ** Hi, alf.
Didn't you see the sign ? "Genius at work.
" I'm sorry.
I didn't make the connection.
Ha-Ha-Ha.
Since you're here, check this out.
"Do not be afraid.
I'm a superior being from melmac.
Even on melmac, i was considered above average.
" Of course, they did grade on a curve.
Read on.
"I'm not a god.
"There is no reason to kneel.
Okay, if you insist.
" Works for me; you ? I assume this is more than a typing lesson.
It's my press release.
I've decided to reveal myself to the world.
Then, i can meet new people, travel, See a "grateful dead" concert.
I don't think the authorities would let you out in public, Much less become a deadhead.
You'd become government property.
Fine, as long as i've got my freedom.
Don't you understand ? You'd have no freedom.
Are you saying i'd have no freedom ? Yes ! Think about it.
You'd be a specimen on a shelf.
You'd be alone in a lab.
Doomed to spend every day in isolation.
Look at this.
They've got me wired for cable.
Let me see.
Which was the button for a cheeseburger ? Uh Ahhh ! That's not it ! Uh Ahhh ! I've got to label these buttons.
Great.
I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery ! Hey, you ! Come here.
Yes ? How did you get out of your cage ? I work here.
Sorry.
I'll give you $5 to let me out.
$10, if you clean the cage while i'm out.
Can't do it ! Please.
I've got to get out of here.
I've got a family.
I've got a life.
I've got a cake in the oven ! You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, Specimen alf/1.
I'm not a specimen.
I'm a spaceman.
Get the teeth fixed, boris.
Ahhh ! I guess there's still no word from the governor.
You're living in the dark ages, willie.
What would happen if you went public ? If i revealed myself, I could be a star.
Could not.
Could too.
I might even get my own tv show, A poignant drama about my generation.
We'll call it, "230 something.
" Keep dreaming.
It's not a dream.
This could really happen.
Maybe i'll host a talk show, like david letterman.
I have a gap between my teeth.
Yes, yes.
My, oh, my, we're having some fun tonight.
Later, on "stupid pet tricks," You'll see a cat do a Ha-Ha ! [ Crash .]
I almost forgot -- Say, "hello" to willie tanner.
[ Applause .]
Hi, babe.
I want to thank you for bringing me on board After you fired paul shaffer.
You're welcome.
Willie boy -- He does it all, Including my laundry.
Ha ! Ha-Ha-Ha, ha-Ha-Ha.
What ? You've got a vivid imagination.
And a surprisingly big ego, "babe.
" You're close to losing the bandleader gig.
I don't want to be a bandleader.
Just think, before you do something stupid.
Would inviting 10 newspapers to a press conference, Be considered stupid ? Yes ! Too late ! You called And a couple of tv stations.
Tomorrow at 1 pm, I shall expose myself to the world.
No ! You're right.
Maybe i should put on some pants.
No reporters yet.
I can't believe it.
This is the worst thing alf has ever done.
Maybe they thought alf was a crank.
At least one reporter is coming.
I promised him whiskey.
Why are you dressed in that getup? Showmanship, babe.
My real space suit looks like a hefty bag.
Look, i just want to be free.
As free as the wind blows, As free as the grass grows, Born free, to follow my heart.
We understand, but you've got to realize -- Live free, as beauty surrounds me.
The world still astounds me.
Hi, dad.
Did you get it ? Alf, i got something for you.
A coming-Out present ! Not exactly.
A video tape.
All right ! Wait, this is a documentary.
Just the antidote for my boredom.
I want you to watch this.
What's that ? A ugandan orangutan.
What's he throwing at the camera ? Never mind.
This is the part i want you to watch.
[ Tv .]
the ugandan orangutan had become extinct, Except for this last male, As there were no females for breeding.
I know the feeling.
The last orangutan was captured, And isolated, until its death last year.
Scientists speculate the animal died of loneliness.
[ Tv off .]
That was nice.
I think i hear the reporter coming.
Don't you understand ? You could end up like that poor animal.
That won't happen to me.
I'm one of a kind.
So was the orangutan.
[ Gasp .]
[ Doorbell .]
Blimey, what have i done ? Hide me !Hide me ! Where are you going ? I want to be alone.
Come on, keep me company.
Hello.
I'm here for the media event of the century.
It's been canceled.
Whiskey been canceled, too ? Yes.
It figures.
Alf, are you all right ? Yeah.
If robin leach calls back, Just say, "alf who ?" Alf ? [ Yawn .]
Welcome to alf-Catraz.
How was the party tonight ? Oh, it was okay, i guess.
Jake broke the pi?Ta.
Trevor bruised 2 ribs diving for the candy.
Alf What are you doing ? When melmacians try to drown our sorrows, We gravitate towards cheap, imitation porcelain.
I'll have you know, this is expensive Imitation porcelain.
We also eat more.
How is that possible ? Our spare stomachs open up.
By the way, Don't bother looking for your laxative-On-A-Rope.
You mean my soap-On-A-Rope ? Trust me on this one.
Here you go, alf.
Wow, you really are depressed.
I need something to wash this down.
Got any ketchup ? Coming right up.
Dad, we've got to do something.
Right.
You may not want to watch this, willie.
I've seen you eat before.
[ Slobbering sounds .]
[ Kate .]
get out of this bathroom ! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final ! [ Door slams .]
[ Alf .]
fine !I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, alf, could you come out here.
Sure, why not ? It's not like i was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
Surprise ! Willie, intruder alert ! I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob.
[ Everyone talks at once .]
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I know this mob.
We invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going ? Give me five ! Here's four.
I owe you one ! How you doing, alf ? Larry, my shrink ! Nice to see you when i'm not wacko.
I challenge that.
Grandma dorothy.
How's your much younger husband, wizzer ? Always a pleasure.
Jody is here.
Citizen cane ! Nice to see you.
Nice not to see you ! Ha-Ha, what a kidder ! Watch out for the lamp ! Alf, we wanted to show you Your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, But we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more.
Where are the presents ? Presents ? We gave you presents at christmas and your birthday, And on st.
Melmac's day, Which i doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents.
I guess it's enough that my friends And dorothy, are here.
Surprise ! Oh, boy ! Friends with presents are the best kind And dorothy.
[ Laughter .]
[ Alf .]
i'll open your present next, jody.
[ Jody .]
i'll have to take your word for that.
[ Laughter .]
A sweater ! Thank you.
You're welcome.
You can get rid of that ratty one you're always wearing.
I'd better start using a conditioner.
She thinks alf's fur is a sweater.
Didn't i warn you ? Jody doesn't know alf's an alien.
Uh-Oh.
What ? I told her about alf eating your tennis racket Because he thought the strings were made of catgut.
Hey, thanks, dorothy.
I always wanted to learn how to play jai alai.
It's a dustbuster.
I know that.
I was being whimsical.
I thought you could get off your duff, And do a little housework.
You shouldn't have.
I really mean it ! Alf ! I fixed the cd player you broke.
Great ! [ Groans .]
My birthday is in 6 months.
Uh brian come here.
Speech ! Speech ! Hear ! Hear ! Unaccustomed as i am to public speaking, As there's very seldom a public here to speak to, I'll be brief.
I wouldn't put money on that.
Mom, shhh.
Actually, i just wanted to say That i never realized how good i have it.
I don't need to go out and make new friends.
I already have the best friends Including dorothy, Anyone could have.
Why, alf, thank you.
Thank you very -- Dottie's gonna cry-Yy.
Stop it ! I am not.
[ Knocking .]
hey, tanners ! It's trevor.
He wasn't invited.
That never stops him.
I think, just for a change of pace, i'll Hide in the kitchen.
I kill us.
Why is alf hiding ? He owes them money.
You said they were going out.
They always go dancing on saturdays.
Hi, do you know where jake went? Right here ! You're having a party.
How interesting.
We weren't invited ? After having them over last night ! I'm sure they had a good reason for stiffing us.
It's not a "party" party.
It's a tupperware party.
Where you have to buy stuff ? Gotta dance ! But i will have a slab of cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Bring raquel one, too.
I'm sorry for the interruption.
No problem.
I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those two.
It keeps me young.
Not me.
Willie ? Thanks for the party and everything.
It's nice to know there's someone around To save me from myself.
You're welcome, pal ! [ Raquel .]
willie, i need a doggy bag.
[ Kate .]
raquel, don't go in there.
Ahh, the game is afoot.
** [ piano playing .]
Alf, aren't you having a good time ? Yeah, i'm just sick of larry telling About me eating the tennis racket.
There he was with the handle sticking out of his mouth ! I can't believe i invited them all back tomorrow.
You what ? They're my friends and dorothy.
Besides, i can use the extra presents.
Willie, do you know "and the band played on" ? Sure.
Well, play it ! ** [ Dorothy singing off key .]
* casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde * * and the band played on * And on, and on, and on * and the band played on * * his brain was so loaded it nearly exploded * * the poor girl would shake with alarm * * he married the girl with the strawberry curl * * and the band played on ** Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.