ALF s03e14 Episode Script

Fight Back

Remember, kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente.
Cooked to a golden amber, And served piping hot On a gently-Warmed plate.
How does she do it? Do you want some maple syrup, alf? On waffles? How gauche.
Get me the garlic salt? Guess what? The car won't start again.
You just got it fixed.
Every time they fix one thing, Something else goes wrong.
Well, i don't get it.
Why keep spending money on something That doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation? Somehow, we've gotten used to it.
[Burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation, We're out of garlic salt.
[Knocking] Trevor: hey, tanners! Guess who? Let me take a stab.
It's the wacky next-Door neighbor.
Come on in, trevor.
[Whistling] Hi, willie.
Hi, kate.
Hi, kids.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, trevor.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, i do.
Uh, my car won't start again.
You should let jake take a look at it.
Kid could fix anything.
Has my car running like florence joyner.
Oh, by the way Uh, jake will be doing the driving this morning.
I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know jake could drive.
He can't.
I think i mind.
He just got his learner's permit.
I'm teaching him.
Kid's a natural.
hasn't hit a living thing.
We'll bring the car up front.
Alf: yo, lynn, you could use a pedicure.
[Stomp] ow! lions gate home entertainment [Car horn honks] ow! Horn works.
Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing For the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
Oh, hello, jake.
Hi, mr.
Tanner.
Hey, alf.
What brings you over, jake-Speare? Aunt raquel and uncle trevor Are showing slides from their trip to carlsbad caverns.
All 400 of them.
I've seen those.
Those are the ones.
Still having car trouble, huh? Yeah, but have no fear.
It's being handled by mr.
No good wrench.
You mind if i take a look? Be my guest.
I got a hunch it's the distributor.
Well, that rules out the distributor.
No, here's your problem.
It's the spark plug wire.
I'll have it fixed in no time.
Well, thanks, jake.
Don't be embarrassed, willie.
Oh, i'm not embarrassed.
Not everybody can fix things.
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm sure there are several things you could do that-- I'm not embarrassed.
Ok, mr.
Tanner.
Start her up when i say now.
[Car door opens] Ok, now.
[Car engine starts] Now are you embarrassed? [Engine stops] Jake, what can i say? Thank you.
You never thank me when i humiliate you.
You know, i can't be sure, But it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, Then just patched it together real loose.
Has anybody Been under the hood lately? Don't look at me.
I just honked the horn.
Well, i have been taking the car To a new mechanic lately, but i-- There's your problem.
The guy's a crook.
Oh, alf, don't jump to conclusions like that.
No, i saw it on 60 minutes.
These mechanics fix one thing, Then they break something else So you keep coming back.
You know, alf could be right, mr.
Tanner.
I've heard of that scam, too, On that david horowitz show.
Well, why don't i just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
Yeah, you got took.
Conned.
Nicked and clipped.
You got your horn swoggled and your flim flammed.
Hello, sam, it's willie tanner here.
Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too.
Uh, listen, sam, i wonder if you noticed Anything unusual about my car Uh, ahem, engine-Wise, i mean.
Uh, like, say, uh Severed wire.
[Shouting] yo, crook! This is mike wallace! You're under arrest! Alf! Shh! No, i'm not accusing you, but it is possible, you-- Not that i'm accusing you, mind, But--But you understand-- That's not an accusation.
If memory serves, Bob newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Well, i guess we have nothing more to say to one another.
You know, i'm beginning to think you may be right.
I'm gonna call the better business bureau.
Have them throw the book at this guy.
Preferably something by james mitchner.
Hi, guys.
Hey, "b.
" Did your dad have any luck Proving that mechanic ripped him off? He called 6 people about it so far.
The man's a tiger when he's irked.
Do you know what i'd do if i were him? Rethink your fashion viewpoint? I'd con those con men right back.
Well, that's not willie's style.
You know him.
He's nice.
He's polite.
He's a pigeon.
We gotta help him.
How? We'll need to use your uncle's car.
What for? I haven't gotten that far yet.
I can't drive alone.
I've only got a learner's permit, remember? We'll trick lynn into helping us.
I--I don't know.
Can i help, too? Oh, you could stick by the phone In case we need to check in.
We'll give you a code name.
Like what? How about "b"? People always call me, "b.
" How about b plus? Ok, but i'm doing this under protest.
One more thing.
This is our secret signal.
Use your fingers if you have to.
So, do you think i have a case? Well, thank you, mr.
Assistant district attorney.
Ok, howard.
Uh, so, when do you think we'll go to court? I see.
Well, when do you think we'll have The preliminary hearing? I see.
Then, when do you think we can file the complaint? I see.
When do you think you'll be back from aspen? Good-Bye.
[Knocking] Jake: it's me.
Jake.
Oh, hi, jake.
Come on in.
Uh, hi, mrs.
Tanner.
Mr.
Tanner.
Is, uh Is--Is, uh, lynn around? Well, yes.
She's in the other room, why? No reason.
Yeah, i just thought Since i was in the neighborhood I mean, you know me.
I'm always bothering her.
Yeah.
It doesn't mean anything.
I'll grow out of it.
Lynn, hi.
Jake.
Bye.
Wait a second.
Make it fast.
I've got something really important to do in my room.
Like what? Wait for tomorrow.
I--I got a favor to ask you.
What? I need a ride someplace to get something for somebody.
It--It's real important.
I'm sorry, jake.
I'd like to help you, But mom's taking the car to go shopping.
We can take my uncle's car.
The duster? It won't take long, And it's not far.
And we can wait till it's dark So none of your friends will see you with me.
Ok.
But only under these conditions.
Anything you want.
For a period of one month, no innuendo.
No innuendo.
No leering.
No leering.
And no referring to me As honey, doll, or mama.
You got it, babe.
Yo, lynn.
No, wait.
No babe.
Don't you think you're following a little too closely? No, but thanks for your input.
Excuse me? Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00 on the wheel.
I'm sorry.
My right hand is running a little fast today.
All right.
Get in the right lane here.
All right.
You should always remember To check your blind spot.
If you don't shut up, I'll give you a blind spot.
Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road! Where? Where? Aah! Alf, what are you doing in this car? Enjoying your witty repartee.
I knew i shouldn't have agreed to this.
I wouldn't have asked you to do this Unless it was real important.
Whatever it is, i don't want to be involved.
I'm sorry, lynn.
It's way too late.
You're in too deep.
You know too much.
What are you talking about? Welcome to operation: sam scam.
That's the plan.
Will you help us? [Wheedling] please? Please, please, please, please, please? Come on, lynn.
We need somebody who's responsible, Somebody who's reliable.
Somebody who'll suck the fun right out of this.
In short, a leader.
Do it for truth, Justice, And the melmackian way.
You mean the american way.
No, melmackian.
It was the motto of melmack super hero super cilious.
Super cilious? Yeah.
He captured a lot of criminals, But he was so darned smug about it.
So, you with us? Alf, it's too dangerous for you To be out here like this.
Well, unless there was someone who comes along To make sure i stay out of trouble.
Know anyone like that? Uh I would like to see one of these creeps Get what he deserves just once.
Yeah? Yeah? You know, i should just turn this car around And drive the 2 of you home.
But you won't.
But i won't.
Yeah! Sam scam! Sam scam! Both: sam scam! Sam scam! Now, you're sure your uncle's car is in good shape? I went over it myself from top to bottom.
It's perfect.
Great.
Ok, here's what we'll do.
Alf, you stay here.
Lynn and i go inside And tell the guy the car broke down On our way to our honeymoon.
[Sighs] no, here's what we'll do.
Jake, you stay out here.
Keep an eye on alf.
I'll take the car inside.
Ok.
I'll run the camera.
No! I'm the director.
Then i'll be the producer.
Oh, great.
Now i'm gonna have this money man on my back the whole time.
Don't stifle me creatively.
[Car engine running] [Car engine stops] [Door opens and closes] Uh, good evening.
What can i do for you? Hello.
Are you sam? That's what they sewed on my pocket.
[Giggles] My car has been giving me problems.
My engine's been making funny noises.
And what kind of funny noises might those be? You know Like when your earrings Fall in the garbage disposal.
Of course.
Let's have a look see.
Or should i say, a hear listen.
Ha ha! Willie: hello, congressman burdick? I have reason to believe That i've been defrauded by a car repair shop.
Now, i've been referred To every agency and bureau In the phone book.
I've even spoken to the department of fish and game Because somebody thought i was having trouble with my carp.
[Knocking] Just a moment, please.
Hi, willie.
I'm talking to congressman burdick's office, trevor.
Oh, that crook? You better watch your wallet.
Look here.
I--I almost voted for this man, I pay his salary, and i--I want action! And i'll hold.
Hey, willie, have you seen jake? No.
Why? Well, we come home and no jake.
Our duster's missing, too.
Well, you don't think jake took the car? Nah.
Raquel probably left it someplace again.
Well, let me know if you see jake, eh? Will do.
Hiya, brian.
You're still on the phone? I'm holding, actually.
Why? Well, if anybody calls and asks for b plus, that's me.
Who calls you that? Jake.
Trevor was just in here looking for jake.
Do you know where he is? If i tell you, it could mess up operation: sam scam.
Brian.
If there's something going on Called "operation: sam scam," Then i think you should tell me everything you know.
I was sworn to secrecy.
You should definitely tell me everything you know.
Oh, ok.
Jake and lynn and alf took mr.
Ochmonek's car To your repair place.
Why would the-- And alf? Yeah.
Kate, i gotta go.
I'm in a big hurry.
I can't explain.
I'll be back as soon as i can.
Say "hi" to alf for me.
I'm afraid i have unpleasant news.
What's wrong? Bad carburetor and faulty distributor.
The procedure will run you $200.
$200? I don't have $200! Not exactly meryl streep, But a nice touch of hysteria, none the less.
Alf.
W-We got a problem.
Alf: hi, willie.
Willie?! You think this is all my idea, right? It's always your idea.
I suppose you want details? Lots of them.
The ochmoneks' car's not broke, And this joker wants to fix it.
Capiche? Really? Wait! Wait! I think lynn's going in for the kill.
So, you're absolutely, positively sure That this engine right here Needs $200 in repairs? That's my diagnosis.
Heard enough? Excuse me, will you? I'd like to have a word with this quack.
Oh, wait! You forgot to tell me which is your good side.
The one you're not on.
Alf, can i look through the camera for a while? Jake, baby, you handle marketing and distribution.
Let me lens this flick, ok? Tanner If you're here with more accusations, Get off my property.
Dad, what are you doing here? Dad? This is your daughter? Yes, it is.
Sam was just explaining that-- I--I was just telling her that everything seems to be fine.
He said this car Needs $200 in repairs.
Sam-- I did not say that.
Are you calling my daughter a liar? I--I'm not calling anybody anything.
Why is it every time i bring my car in here to get something fixed I go out with something else broken? I tell you what i'm going to do.
You bring your car down here first thing tomorrow, And i'll take care of everything for 99.
95.
Mister, you're not going to get another penny out of me, And if i have anything to say about it, You're not gonna make another penny In this neighborhood.
No, no.
No, no.
I'm taking a stand.
This country was made great By people who stood up for what they believed in As robert If he starts humming The battle hymn of the republic, I'm pulling the plug on this production.
Can i expand on that? No man is an island, entire to himself.
Willie, on tv: and, if i might expand on that, No man is an island, entire to himself.
Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main, And therefore, never send to know For whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for thee! Give me my money back! That was willie tanner, A gutsy consumer who decided to fight back And not let anyone rip him off.
And here he is.
[Applause on tv] Welcome to fight back, willie.
Way to go, willie! You tell him, dad.
All right! They left my best stuff on the cutting room floor.
Without your videotape, The department of consumer affairs Might have never nailed that rip-Off artist.
What would you say to other consumers Who felt they were being ripped off And they wanted to fight back? Fight back? Very good, willie.
However, we at fight back don't recommend That you attempt to videotape The rip-Off artist in action.
You should start by calling The department of consumer affairs Or the district attorney's office.
And when all else fails, Call on your alien.
David horowitz: when we come back, Microwave milkshakes.
Have we really come to this? But first, a word from someone brave enough to sponsor us.
[Applause on tv] I guess you know what i'm going to say.
You can't yell at me.
I did good.
Well, yes, you did good.
I mean well.
But you shouldn't have done what you did do.
So, you're saying it's bad to do good? No You're saying if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right? What we're saying is, It's wrong for you to put yourself in danger For something that i'm perfectly capable of handling.
We just don't want anything to happen to you.
Yeah.
Thanks, you guys.
You, too, b plus.
[Click] Hey, i wonder if horowitz is going to fight back Against the guy who sold him that suit? lions gate home entertainment Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
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