ALF s03e24 Episode Script
Like an Old Time Movie
Oh, come on, everybody.
We'll be late.
Let's go.
I got your tie, "b.
" Don't forget your baseball mitt, brian.
How come? You'll have a better chance Of catching the bridal squid.
On earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Then why get married? Good point.
Hey, kate.
Give this to the bride With my regards.
You're not giving away My tupperware.
Of course i'm not.
Tell her to fill it with food.
I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, alf, To keep you occupied And to keep you out of trouble.
Oh, not ishtar again.
No, these are classics.
You've never seen these.
This one is the sheik with rudolph valentino.
And the other one's a film by charlie chaplin.
Kick the tv, willie.
The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, alf.
How am i supposed to see rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound.
I can't hear the actors.
These movies are silent.
I might as well be reading.
lions gate home entertainment [Music from the sheik playing.]
[Telephone rings.]
Hello.
Willie, on telephone: hi, alf.
It's me.
Oh, say, hey, willie mays.
Is this the obligatory "Check on the careless alien" call? Well, yes, actually.
What are you doing now? I'm watching the tapes you left me.
You know, these silent flicks Sort of grow on one.
Well, we'll be home in just a couple of hours.
Bye.
Hello, jake? You know how to spell stuff, don't ya? Yeah.
Jake: yo, alf.
Yo, jakernaut.
What do you want? I need you to help me Write the script for my silent movie.
Why are you writin' a silent movie? 'Cause they don't write themselves.
Listen to this.
"Fade in on a vast desert landscape.
"My trusty arabian steed races over the dunes "To my desert oasis.
"Waiting inside my tent, "My luscious and devoted wives "Swoon with desire.
I have returned.
" [Jake laughs.]
What? You as a sheik with a harem? Every sheik has a harem.
It's considered chic.
Ha! Ha! I kill me! Hmm.
Maybe i could work that into the script.
That's what i mean.
I see you more as a comedy-Type guy.
Like charlie chaplin? Like cousin it.
Let's not get too ambitious On our first movie.
We'll start with chaplin.
It's 1929 Iris in The little scamp must beg For every scrap of food-- A situation with which i am painfully familiar.
Willie can play the cop who always butts in And never lets me do anything.
He's perfect for that.
Ha! Grand re-Opening.
Ha! I really fooled willie that time.
You type for a while.
You've got 25% more fingers.
Hey, alf, is anybody else gonna get to be In your movie besides willie and kate? Like who? I don't know.
Maybe like lynn or brian Or somebody else.
Hmm.
Brian and lynn.
Good idea, jake-Around-The-Tree.
Take this down.
In the next scene, After a hard day of begging, The little scamp has only one penny to his name And not a friend in the world.
Then a beautiful flower girl Sits down beside him.
She's astounded by his striking good looks.
Jake: say what? She's blind, all right? That could be lynn's part.
And brian can play her little brother, Shoe shine boy.
Jake: ok, so what happens next? They invite me home for dinner.
And they're real poor.
They're so poor, the widow kate Has to take in laundry to pay the rent.
But when i show up for dinner, Kate welcomes me with open arms.
Jake: that doesn't sound like kate.
It's my movie.
So i say, "psst, you're eating footwear!" Ha ha ha! I love that scene! Brilliant! It was in a charlie chaplin movie.
So what, jake hammer? Haven't you ever heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.
It's jake ochmonek, the next-Door neighbor.
[Imitates buzzer.]
Wrong! Back at the widow kate's, There's a knock at the door.
It's the evil landlord colonel trevor And his evil spouse lady raquel.
They've come to collect the evil rent.
So trevor and raquel take the money That was supposed to be for brian and lynn's operations.
Without me, there'd be no hope left.
That's when i say [Groans.]
How am i gonna get the money for the operations? I got an idea.
What is it? Well, uh, what'll you give me for it? What do you want? A part in the movie.
Everybody else is in the movie.
That's all? You got it.
I was afraid you wanted to direct.
I'll take that.
Forget it, jake-In-The box.
No can do.
Fine, fine.
You keep your job, And i'll keep my idea.
Ok, ok! You can direct! What's your idea for the next scene? Jake: ok, your character comes up with a brilliant plan.
Instead of selling all the flowers, You tie a string to one flower And sell it over and over again.
Alf: great plan, But you forgot about officer willie.
He'll probably arrest us.
Jake: bribe him.
Well, let's say he falls for that For the sake of argument.
We're still back where we started, only worse.
Jake: again? Alf: it works.
Just type.
Yeah, yeah.
So who is it? Lady raquel, The evil spouse of the evil landlord.
Again? She lost her earring.
Yeah, that's it.
And when she's snooping around, She finds a strange hair.
So she calls the cops.
Why? Because it's a violation of the lease.
If a non-Human is found on the premises, The landlord can throw the family into the street.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now comes the romantic part.
Officer willie is smitten by the widow kate, Who's smitten with officer willie, Who incidentally reminds her of her late husband, Who was smitten by a dump truck.
And so kate invites willie to stay for dinner.
Jake: and what's for dinner? And they live happily ever after.
The end.
Got that? Fade out, the end.
You didn't type "the end.
" Because the story isn't over yet.
Lynn and brian didn't get their operations, And the evil landlord didn't get his just desserts.
Let's save that for the sequel, Skip dinner, And have just desserts ourselves.
But what becomes of the little scamp? All right, all right.
We'll finish the film.
What a slave driver.
That's why i'm the director.
The little scamp packs his meager possessions In his meager valise.
Suddenly, kate comes home.
She doesn't what him to leave.
Jake: that really doesn't sound like kate.
She'll do it.
It's called acting.
Suddenly, they hear the doorbell.
Jake: who is it this time? Alf: it's the evil landlord colonel trevor.
When he sees that the coast is clear, He makes a pass at kate.
Little does he know the little scamp Is hiding under the table with a camera.
Where'd he get a camera? From the prop department.
Where else? So i've saved the day, Gotten the money for brian and lynn's operations, And sent the evil colonel trevor away for good.
Then, as soon as he's gone, guess who shows up? Whitney houston? No! It's lynn.
Somebody bought all her flowers.
Who? Officer willie, of course.
[Wedding music playing.]
The soon-To-Be-Married widow kate And the smitten-With-True-Love officer willie Await the results Of lynn and brian's operations.
I can talk! I can talk! I loved that.
So did i--Oh.
Alf? Are you in there? [Inaudible.]
I'm not alf-- I'm the sheik.
Ha ha ha! I get it.
He's pretending to be in a silent movie.
Hmm.
All right, sheik.
You will now put every single sheet and pillow Back on the bed you took it from.
Is that clear? [Inaudible.]
Perfectly clear, kate.
[Chuckles.]
Ha ha ha! You people are so predictable.
Ha ha ha!
We'll be late.
Let's go.
I got your tie, "b.
" Don't forget your baseball mitt, brian.
How come? You'll have a better chance Of catching the bridal squid.
On earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Then why get married? Good point.
Hey, kate.
Give this to the bride With my regards.
You're not giving away My tupperware.
Of course i'm not.
Tell her to fill it with food.
I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, alf, To keep you occupied And to keep you out of trouble.
Oh, not ishtar again.
No, these are classics.
You've never seen these.
This one is the sheik with rudolph valentino.
And the other one's a film by charlie chaplin.
Kick the tv, willie.
The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, alf.
How am i supposed to see rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound.
I can't hear the actors.
These movies are silent.
I might as well be reading.
lions gate home entertainment [Music from the sheik playing.]
[Telephone rings.]
Hello.
Willie, on telephone: hi, alf.
It's me.
Oh, say, hey, willie mays.
Is this the obligatory "Check on the careless alien" call? Well, yes, actually.
What are you doing now? I'm watching the tapes you left me.
You know, these silent flicks Sort of grow on one.
Well, we'll be home in just a couple of hours.
Bye.
Hello, jake? You know how to spell stuff, don't ya? Yeah.
Jake: yo, alf.
Yo, jakernaut.
What do you want? I need you to help me Write the script for my silent movie.
Why are you writin' a silent movie? 'Cause they don't write themselves.
Listen to this.
"Fade in on a vast desert landscape.
"My trusty arabian steed races over the dunes "To my desert oasis.
"Waiting inside my tent, "My luscious and devoted wives "Swoon with desire.
I have returned.
" [Jake laughs.]
What? You as a sheik with a harem? Every sheik has a harem.
It's considered chic.
Ha! Ha! I kill me! Hmm.
Maybe i could work that into the script.
That's what i mean.
I see you more as a comedy-Type guy.
Like charlie chaplin? Like cousin it.
Let's not get too ambitious On our first movie.
We'll start with chaplin.
It's 1929 Iris in The little scamp must beg For every scrap of food-- A situation with which i am painfully familiar.
Willie can play the cop who always butts in And never lets me do anything.
He's perfect for that.
Ha! Grand re-Opening.
Ha! I really fooled willie that time.
You type for a while.
You've got 25% more fingers.
Hey, alf, is anybody else gonna get to be In your movie besides willie and kate? Like who? I don't know.
Maybe like lynn or brian Or somebody else.
Hmm.
Brian and lynn.
Good idea, jake-Around-The-Tree.
Take this down.
In the next scene, After a hard day of begging, The little scamp has only one penny to his name And not a friend in the world.
Then a beautiful flower girl Sits down beside him.
She's astounded by his striking good looks.
Jake: say what? She's blind, all right? That could be lynn's part.
And brian can play her little brother, Shoe shine boy.
Jake: ok, so what happens next? They invite me home for dinner.
And they're real poor.
They're so poor, the widow kate Has to take in laundry to pay the rent.
But when i show up for dinner, Kate welcomes me with open arms.
Jake: that doesn't sound like kate.
It's my movie.
So i say, "psst, you're eating footwear!" Ha ha ha! I love that scene! Brilliant! It was in a charlie chaplin movie.
So what, jake hammer? Haven't you ever heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.
It's jake ochmonek, the next-Door neighbor.
[Imitates buzzer.]
Wrong! Back at the widow kate's, There's a knock at the door.
It's the evil landlord colonel trevor And his evil spouse lady raquel.
They've come to collect the evil rent.
So trevor and raquel take the money That was supposed to be for brian and lynn's operations.
Without me, there'd be no hope left.
That's when i say [Groans.]
How am i gonna get the money for the operations? I got an idea.
What is it? Well, uh, what'll you give me for it? What do you want? A part in the movie.
Everybody else is in the movie.
That's all? You got it.
I was afraid you wanted to direct.
I'll take that.
Forget it, jake-In-The box.
No can do.
Fine, fine.
You keep your job, And i'll keep my idea.
Ok, ok! You can direct! What's your idea for the next scene? Jake: ok, your character comes up with a brilliant plan.
Instead of selling all the flowers, You tie a string to one flower And sell it over and over again.
Alf: great plan, But you forgot about officer willie.
He'll probably arrest us.
Jake: bribe him.
Well, let's say he falls for that For the sake of argument.
We're still back where we started, only worse.
Jake: again? Alf: it works.
Just type.
Yeah, yeah.
So who is it? Lady raquel, The evil spouse of the evil landlord.
Again? She lost her earring.
Yeah, that's it.
And when she's snooping around, She finds a strange hair.
So she calls the cops.
Why? Because it's a violation of the lease.
If a non-Human is found on the premises, The landlord can throw the family into the street.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now comes the romantic part.
Officer willie is smitten by the widow kate, Who's smitten with officer willie, Who incidentally reminds her of her late husband, Who was smitten by a dump truck.
And so kate invites willie to stay for dinner.
Jake: and what's for dinner? And they live happily ever after.
The end.
Got that? Fade out, the end.
You didn't type "the end.
" Because the story isn't over yet.
Lynn and brian didn't get their operations, And the evil landlord didn't get his just desserts.
Let's save that for the sequel, Skip dinner, And have just desserts ourselves.
But what becomes of the little scamp? All right, all right.
We'll finish the film.
What a slave driver.
That's why i'm the director.
The little scamp packs his meager possessions In his meager valise.
Suddenly, kate comes home.
She doesn't what him to leave.
Jake: that really doesn't sound like kate.
She'll do it.
It's called acting.
Suddenly, they hear the doorbell.
Jake: who is it this time? Alf: it's the evil landlord colonel trevor.
When he sees that the coast is clear, He makes a pass at kate.
Little does he know the little scamp Is hiding under the table with a camera.
Where'd he get a camera? From the prop department.
Where else? So i've saved the day, Gotten the money for brian and lynn's operations, And sent the evil colonel trevor away for good.
Then, as soon as he's gone, guess who shows up? Whitney houston? No! It's lynn.
Somebody bought all her flowers.
Who? Officer willie, of course.
[Wedding music playing.]
The soon-To-Be-Married widow kate And the smitten-With-True-Love officer willie Await the results Of lynn and brian's operations.
I can talk! I can talk! I loved that.
So did i--Oh.
Alf? Are you in there? [Inaudible.]
I'm not alf-- I'm the sheik.
Ha ha ha! I get it.
He's pretending to be in a silent movie.
Hmm.
All right, sheik.
You will now put every single sheet and pillow Back on the bed you took it from.
Is that clear? [Inaudible.]
Perfectly clear, kate.
[Chuckles.]
Ha ha ha! You people are so predictable.
Ha ha ha!