All About The Washingtons (2018) s01e10 Episode Script
Snow Diggity
1 Rest in peace, great Aunt Hester.
We're gonna miss you.
You left us too soon.
And let that be a lesson to you kids.
If she didn't smoke those cigars, we would have had a lot more years with her.
Mom, she was 105.
[audience laughing.]
It's a good thing the funeral was today.
It's supposed to snow like crazy tomorrow.
- Great Aunt Hester hated the snow.
- And the rain.
And the sun.
I mean, who hates the sun? She could come off grouchy sometimes, but look at her, making her famous chili.
That's how she showed her love.
- Her chili was the best.
- Yeah, it was.
I liked that story Uncle Wallace told about how there wasn't any heartache her chili couldn't fix.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
The preacher said a beautiful story about how God called her home, so he could have some chili.
- [Joey.]
Mm-hmm.
- [all.]
Yeah.
It was funny how every speaker at the funeral mentioned her chili.
It's almost as if there was nothing else nice to say.
[Joey.]
Yeah, yeah.
All about the Washingtons It's like this, y'all [man rapping.]
All about the Washingtons Ooh! Ooh! All about the Washingtons, ooh! Ooh! [shouts.]
Snow! And that's likeeight feet! It's a snow day! You guys, it's a snow day! Wake up! You can sleep in.
- [shouts.]
Snow day! - [screams.]
School's closed! Are you sure? Did you check the website? I didn't need to.
There's, like, 12 feet of snow outside.
You're right.
I just got an alert.
"All area schools closed.
" This is perfect.
I know, we could build our giant snow tunnel like we did last snow day! - No, I can finally binge Secretville.
- Secretville? You think a dumb TV show is better than 15 feet of snow? You don't understand.
Everyone in my class watches it.
It's all they talk about.
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
And my friends keep joking that I'm a bit of an Amanda.
- What does that mean? - I'm not sure, but I'm worried she's a character who's unpopular because she's not fun.
So, no snow tunnel? Nope, for me, today is all about Secretville.
Fine, Amanda.
Too bad Aunt Hester didn't stick around a bit longer.
You know, I got that college commencement speech coming up.
- She'd have loved to hear me do that.
- Hear you? Joey, she couldn't hear you if you fired a gun next to her head.
[audience laughing.]
- Good morning, everyone.
- Hey, Wes.
- You're in a good mood.
- Of course I am.
It's a snow day.
A time to reflect on life and the beauty of nature.
- So what are you gonna do? - Play video games.
[audience laughing.]
What are you cooking? I woke up this morning thinking about Aunt Hester, and I decided to honor her memory by making her famous chili.
Wait, I thought she kept that recipe top secret.
Yeah, two things Aunt Hester never revealed.
Her chili recipe and her smile.
[audience laughing.]
I don't need a recipe.
You know how I do.
I could taste anything and recreate it exactly.
It's true.
That filet-of-fish you made was uncanny.
I just did that 'cause I could.
[audience laughing.]
Joey, what are you doing today? Are you working on your commencement speech? That thing? That's not a problem.
That's already done.
You wrote it? Don't need to.
I'm coming right off the dome, just like I did to become famous.
Joey, you are not gonna freestyle a college commencement speech.
Why not? I free-styled our wedding vows.
Yeah, and you promised "to love me on and on toÃÂ the break of dawn.
" [shouts slightly.]
And I kept that vow.
Come on, Joey.
You're talkingÃÂ to college students.
This speech has to be thought out and wise.
You know what? You're right.
I never thought of it that way.
I'm gonna go write the best commencement speech ever.
What award do they give out for the best commencement speech? - A Commency? - Sounds about right.
I'm gonna go win myself a Commency.
[audience laughing.]
And I am gonna go dominate NBA2K.
Let me know if school opens up again.
- Okay, Wes, before you go.
- [grunts.]
Almost got out the door.
Cousin Anita cornered me at the funeral.
She wants her serving bowl back.
Can you please go get it for me? - Sure, where is it? - In the attic.
The attic? [audience laughing.]
[huffs.]
Just a normal room in the house.
Isolated from all the other rooms.
Filled with inanimate objects that don't come to life at night.
I can do this.
[huffs again.]
Nope! Can't do it.
Not doing it.
[audience laughing.]
[boy on tablet.]
No one can ever find out we're responsible.
Do you understand, Amanda? [gasps.]
[Amanda.]
Not even the principal? [shouts.]
Of course not the principal! [boy.]
Of course not the principal! Amanda, you are such an Amanda.
Hey, Skyler, heads up! Daevon! Oh, I'm in trouble now! You're gonna have to come outside and revenge for that.
Daevon, I'm going to kill you.
I've got it coming.
I've unleashed the beast! - You better run.
- Oh, I'd better.
Oh, no! Oh, no! [audience laughing.]
Connor, Amanda, you were saying? Hey, V.
Mom asked you to get Anita's serving bowl from the attic.
Cool? Thanks.
Whoa.
There's no way Mom asked you to ask me to get that bowl.
She did! You can go ask her, but then you'd have to go all the way downstairs, and then come all the way back upstairs, and then go all the way to the attic.
Why not eliminate all those ways, and go straight there? Oh, my God, you're still afraid of the attic.
Why do you say that with so much judgment? It is completely reasonable to be scared of a very scary place.
- But it's not scary.
- Sure it is, with the rocking horse, and the clown paintings, and the Japanese girl with the hair in her face.
None of those things are in the attic.
I'm gonna have to take your word for it 'cause I'm never going up there.
- Please get the bowl for me.
- No, Mom asked you to do it.
[huffs and puffs.]
At least come with me.
[sighs.]
Fine.
But from now on, your name is Wuss-ley.
I don't care that sounds just like Wesley.
I can't hear the difference.
[audience laughing.]
See, Wuss-ley, perfectly safe.
Okay.
It's not as bad as I remember it.
I think the bowl is in that pink box over there.
Why don't you go get it? What? That's like 200 feet away! More like six.
Who are you, Daevon? [shudders.]
Come on, you can do this.
[huffs.]
Okay.
Aah! Not cool! [sobs.]
[laughing.]
Oh, my God, hilarious! I really should have peed before I did this.
[audience laughing.]
[Joey.]
Mmm! - Smells good.
- Yeah.
But did Aunt Hester leave the meat all chunky like that? I don't know, you wanna go ask her? Chunkier the better.
What are you doing in here anyway? I thought you were working on your speech.
I finished it and I really took your advice to heart.
This speech is gonna be so wise they gonna think I got an owl on payroll.
Okay, let's hear it.
Okay.
"Greetings, learned men and women of this august institution.
" I've got notes already, but go ahead.
[audience laughing.]
"I'm reminded of a droll jape by the revered statesman Benjamin Franklin, who had a keen eye for the vicissitudes of life.
" Boo! What? What are you doing? I'm booing you.
That's what you're gonna hear if you say that speech.
And what does "vicissitude" mean anyway? Change.
Then say change.
And "droll jape"? Just say "joke.
" They wanna hear what Joey Washington has to say, not some fancy pants Benjamin Franklin nonsense! But I looked up Denzel's commencement speech, and he talked about Thomas Edison.
Denzel? Nobody heard a word that beautiful man said.
You need to take that entire speech and vicissitude it.
[audience laughing.]
Bam! Take that, Veronica.
- You named a player Veronica? - Yes, so I could dunk on her.
[audience laughing.]
Can you name one Skyler? Why? What happened? She's changed.
I threw an indoor snowball at her, and she wouldn't even retaliate.
- I would've killed you.
- I know! Thank you! She doesn't wanna do anything fun anymore.
She wants to watch a stupid show, to talk to her stupid friends, - in her stupid class.
- Well, that sounds stupid.
I just miss the old Skyler.
I went through the same thing with Veronica.
- Really? - Yeah.
We used to be really close, but when she became a teenager, she turned into this new, and I would say much worse, person.
How do I change her back? I don't know.
Sometimes I think Veronica and I are good again, and then she takes advantage of my fear of the attic.
- Wait, you're afraid of the attic? - Of course not! Look, the point is sisters let you down, but brothers are there for you no matter what.
You want dig snow tunnels? No, you're too big.
You'll collapse them.
I feel you.
Snow tunnels, it's a young man's game.
[audience laughing.]
Joey, taste this.
It's so close, but it's not Aunt Hester's.
You're right.
It's good, but it's missing something.
I know.
What is it? Spite? Rage? Garlic powder? How's your speech coming? - I got a new version.
- Mm.
That first one, I don't know who that guy was.
I sent him back to thesaurus.
com from whence he came.
This one right here, that's all me.
Okay.
Well let's hear it.
"Graduates, guests, distinguished faculty.
[shouts hard.]
Speed! [beat-boxes.]
Speed, Speed! Those are the words I heard as I peered from under my hat at the largest crowd ever assembled for a rap concert in the history of Japan.
It was yet, another triumph.
" Boo! - Again? - It's too braggy.
Braggy.
Then you definitely ain't gonna like these next twenty cards.
Joey, they wanna know what you've learned.
You're gonna have to dig deeper.
Maybe you should go and find a nice quiet place, where you can relax, and write some words of wisdom.
All right.
I'm gonna go do that.
I know just the place.
All right, come on words of wisdom.
I'm ready for you, come right on in now.
Come on! These bubbles ain't gonna last forever.
Come on! [audience laughing.]
[sighs.]
Don't bring your phone into the bathtub, there's your words of wisdom.
[blows.]
- Hey, Skyler.
- Get out.
But I have useful information.
You know how the principal in Secretville found out one of his students is a daughter he never knew he had? Yeah, I know, but, how do you know? It's Susie Merlino, captain of the cheerleading squad.
Impossible.
That would mean Susie's half sister is Romy Brock who murdered the school's mascot.
[gasps.]
That was Romy? Wait.
That's a spoiler.
You're supposed to say spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert! Secretville is actually a government experiment.
Stop, stop, stop! [audience laughing.]
How do you know all this? I did some research online.
I can tell you everything while we work on the snow tunnel.
I don't want to know.
Leave me alone.
[chimes.]
My friends just texted me, and I've been upgraded from an Amanda to a Kelly.
Kelly? The down-to-earth science teacher who knows everything, but keeps her mouth shut? - Yeah, that's the one.
- Oh, guess what, she dies.
[audience laughing.]
Spoiler alert! - [basketball video game playing.]
- [door knocking.]
Hey.
- Sorry about before.
- It was heartless and unforgivable.
- Apology not accepted.
- [video game referee.]
- Dunk! - [crowd cheering.]
I really didn't realize you were that scared.
So why did it take you so long to come up here and apologize? Because I wanted to wait until I stopped laughing.
[laughing.]
Sorry, sorry.
I thought I was done.
[audience laughing.]
Let me make it up to you.
Fine.
Go get the serving bowl, then bring it to Mom.
We can talk again at the next family reunion.
[audience laughing.]
No, I want to help you conquer your fear of the attic.
- You think I'm falling for that? - I'm not trying to trick you.
I know what it's like to have an irrational fear.
When I was a little girl, grandma gave me a baby doll and it terrified me.
[laughs.]
You were scared of a doll? Who's the Wuss-ley now? Yeah, I was four, and you're 16 and that insult was based on your name.
Okay.
Fearonica.
- Feel good about that one? - Not really.
[audience laughing.]
Anyway, I kept spending time with the doll, and the more time I spent, the less scary it became until it wasn't scary at all.
So, you want me to hang out in the attic? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I just think if you spent some time there, before you knew it, it wouldn't be scary anymore.
Or, I could just avoid attics my whole life.
But, what if some day Tessie wants you to go up into the attic with her? Why would she possibly want that? Oh! Okay.
Cure me.
Hey, I need your help.
What's the best life advice I've ever bestowed upon you? Wow, that's tough.
- You're always giving us great advice.
- I know.
You really expect us to pick just one? It's impossible.
So many gems.
I'm just scrolling through great advice in my head right now.
[Veronica clears throat.]
You guys can't think of one single thing, can you? - No.
I can't, no.
- Not really.
You people are useless.
- Huh.
- Well.
[audience laughing.]
[Justine.]
Cumin, paprika, cinnamon.
They're all in there already.
Come on, Aunt Hester.
Nothing's ever stopped me.
I've figured out all 11 KFC herbs and spices.
I made homemade classic Coke.
I even made a Tic Tac.
You will not beat me.
Would you stop flailing around? There are no cobwebs.
That means there's no spiders up here.
What's eating all the spiders? - [whining.]
I can't do this! - No, no! You're doing great, okay? Look around.
It's a room full of junk.
There's a Christmas tree, a high chair, a hockey stick.
Who were all probably having a meeting before we walked in.
Would you stop being so ridiculous? Hey, that's the doll I was talking about.
Can you believe I used to be scared of this? Well, she does look like she's trying to trap your soul in one of the rhinestones in her tiara.
[laughs.]
Man, it's so funny what the mind can do.
[Wesley laughs.]
[both scream.]
- Veronica, did you do that? - No! - [Wesley.]
Stop messing around! - I'm not! It was the doll! It wants our souls! [screaming.]
The wi-fi is down, and I was in the middle of an episode.
- Mom, is the power out in the whole house? - Yeah.
Skyler, that means you can't watch the show.
- Want to work on the snow tunnel with me? - No.
- But I will pummel you with snowballs.
- Yes! - Hey.
- Hey.
You finished another version of your speech? No, can't you see the power's out? I gotta eat everything in here before it goes bad.
It's just been two minutes.
You're procrastinating.
Go back to work.
Fine, take one of these homemade Cokes.
Mmm! So close.
Come on, Aunt Hester, tell me! Wait a minute.
You sly fox.
[whimpers.]
We gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna have a panic attack.
Okay, yeah, just hold my hand.
What? I thought I was holding your hand.
What am I holding? Oh.
My other hand.
Come on.
We've just gotta feel our way out of here, okay? - [Veronica.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Right.
[Wesley.]
Okay.
[bumping on things.]
- [Wesley whimpers.]
Oh, no! - What? - [Wesley.]
It's a coffin! It's a coffin! - What? No, no, no.
This is your trunk from sleepaway camp.
- [Wesley.]
Oh.
- [shrieks.]
But what's that on top of it? - Aah! It's an arm bone.
Take it! - I don't want an arm bone.
[Veronica sighs.]
- It's not an arm bone.
- It's a flashlight.
We're saved! - Let's leave and never come up here again.
- Deal.
- Wait.
- What? [whining.]
That is not where I left that doll.
[audience laughing.]
[both scream.]
There you are.
I cracked the code.
Taste it.
Wow! You did it.
- You figured out her secret recipe.
- I know.
If she was still with us, she'd be so mad.
Congratulations.
At least one of us got a win today.
What's wrong with you? I got nothing, Jus.
No wisdom.
I think I should call up the college and be honest with them.
Tell 'em I'm going on tour in Japan.
No way.
You just got to keep at it.
That's what I did.
How did you finally figure it out? It was right in the picture, but I was looking in the wrong place.
You see her cigar? Yeah.
You see where she's holding it? [Joey.]
Right over the pot.
Wait a minute.
That's right.
That's what gave it that smoky flavor.
I found one of your Cubans, she gave you for your birthday.
Did you feed me cigar ash? Delicious! I know, it's funny.
It's that one unexpected ingredient that made it all work.
One unexpected ingredient.
You know what? I think I just figured out my speech! Sounds like I kind of figured it out, but whatever.
[laughing.]
You guys, our snow tunnel collapsed.
Yeah, Daevon got buried alive, and I had to dig him out.
I couldn't breathe and almost passed out.
[shouts.]
It was amazing! Go take off your stuff and come sit down for dinner.
Mom, isn't that cousin Anita's bowl? Yeah, I found it in one of the cabinets.
Did I not tell you guys? No, you did not.
I bet the doll brought it downstairs.
[laughing.]
What's so funny? I love to laugh.
[sighs.]
You wouldn't get it.
It's an inside joke between me and Veronica.
[Daevon.]
Oh, yeah? Skyler and I have inside jokes too, except we came up with them outside.
[laughs.]
So, you finally got her in the snowÃÂ with you? Yeah, turns out she's still got a little fun left in her.
[laughing[ Okay, everybody can relax.
I got my speech! - Oh, Joey, let's hear it.
Speech! - [Wesley.]
Come on.
- Speech! - [Joey.]
Let's do it.
I'm not gonna give you the whole thing.
I'm just gonna get to the good part.
Okay, here we go.
"Now as I look out at your fresh young faces, I remember that when I was your age, I thought the recipe for a happy life consisted of nothing but a music career, and money, and fame.
And I got all those ingredients, and they were great.
If you have a chance, I'd definitely recommend becoming an international rap phenomenon.
[audience laughing.]
But this year I decided to take a step back from all of that.
Sounds kind of funny coming from a guy named Speed, but I decided to slow down.
And once I did, it really hit me.
That the most important ingredient in life, the one that gives it meaning is family.
So as you head out into the world, remember these words of wisdom, 'Success means nothing without the smiles, and laughter, and closeness of your loved ones.
'" - Babe, that was so deep.
- That was good, Dad.
You know, today was a pretty good day.
Even with the power out.
You are welcome.
Huh? I was the one who turned the power off.
Up top.
- What? - Daevon! We were almost killed by the attic! Do you realize you put our refrigerated food at risk?! It was the only way to get Skyler to come outside and play.
Sorry.
I didn't think it was gonna make everyone so mad.
It didn't make me mad.
I had a blast.
- I'll go turn the circuit breaker back on.
- No! Leave it for now.
This is nice.
[chuckles.]
[forks and knifes.]
So, Mom, what was the secret to Great Aunt Hester's chili? It's a secret.
[audience laughing.]
I think it's cigar ash.
Joey, he has my gift.
- All about the Washingtons - [chattering.]
[man rapping.]
All about the Washingtons Ooh! Ooh! [theme music playing.]
We're gonna miss you.
You left us too soon.
And let that be a lesson to you kids.
If she didn't smoke those cigars, we would have had a lot more years with her.
Mom, she was 105.
[audience laughing.]
It's a good thing the funeral was today.
It's supposed to snow like crazy tomorrow.
- Great Aunt Hester hated the snow.
- And the rain.
And the sun.
I mean, who hates the sun? She could come off grouchy sometimes, but look at her, making her famous chili.
That's how she showed her love.
- Her chili was the best.
- Yeah, it was.
I liked that story Uncle Wallace told about how there wasn't any heartache her chili couldn't fix.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
The preacher said a beautiful story about how God called her home, so he could have some chili.
- [Joey.]
Mm-hmm.
- [all.]
Yeah.
It was funny how every speaker at the funeral mentioned her chili.
It's almost as if there was nothing else nice to say.
[Joey.]
Yeah, yeah.
All about the Washingtons It's like this, y'all [man rapping.]
All about the Washingtons Ooh! Ooh! All about the Washingtons, ooh! Ooh! [shouts.]
Snow! And that's likeeight feet! It's a snow day! You guys, it's a snow day! Wake up! You can sleep in.
- [shouts.]
Snow day! - [screams.]
School's closed! Are you sure? Did you check the website? I didn't need to.
There's, like, 12 feet of snow outside.
You're right.
I just got an alert.
"All area schools closed.
" This is perfect.
I know, we could build our giant snow tunnel like we did last snow day! - No, I can finally binge Secretville.
- Secretville? You think a dumb TV show is better than 15 feet of snow? You don't understand.
Everyone in my class watches it.
It's all they talk about.
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
And my friends keep joking that I'm a bit of an Amanda.
- What does that mean? - I'm not sure, but I'm worried she's a character who's unpopular because she's not fun.
So, no snow tunnel? Nope, for me, today is all about Secretville.
Fine, Amanda.
Too bad Aunt Hester didn't stick around a bit longer.
You know, I got that college commencement speech coming up.
- She'd have loved to hear me do that.
- Hear you? Joey, she couldn't hear you if you fired a gun next to her head.
[audience laughing.]
- Good morning, everyone.
- Hey, Wes.
- You're in a good mood.
- Of course I am.
It's a snow day.
A time to reflect on life and the beauty of nature.
- So what are you gonna do? - Play video games.
[audience laughing.]
What are you cooking? I woke up this morning thinking about Aunt Hester, and I decided to honor her memory by making her famous chili.
Wait, I thought she kept that recipe top secret.
Yeah, two things Aunt Hester never revealed.
Her chili recipe and her smile.
[audience laughing.]
I don't need a recipe.
You know how I do.
I could taste anything and recreate it exactly.
It's true.
That filet-of-fish you made was uncanny.
I just did that 'cause I could.
[audience laughing.]
Joey, what are you doing today? Are you working on your commencement speech? That thing? That's not a problem.
That's already done.
You wrote it? Don't need to.
I'm coming right off the dome, just like I did to become famous.
Joey, you are not gonna freestyle a college commencement speech.
Why not? I free-styled our wedding vows.
Yeah, and you promised "to love me on and on toÃÂ the break of dawn.
" [shouts slightly.]
And I kept that vow.
Come on, Joey.
You're talkingÃÂ to college students.
This speech has to be thought out and wise.
You know what? You're right.
I never thought of it that way.
I'm gonna go write the best commencement speech ever.
What award do they give out for the best commencement speech? - A Commency? - Sounds about right.
I'm gonna go win myself a Commency.
[audience laughing.]
And I am gonna go dominate NBA2K.
Let me know if school opens up again.
- Okay, Wes, before you go.
- [grunts.]
Almost got out the door.
Cousin Anita cornered me at the funeral.
She wants her serving bowl back.
Can you please go get it for me? - Sure, where is it? - In the attic.
The attic? [audience laughing.]
[huffs.]
Just a normal room in the house.
Isolated from all the other rooms.
Filled with inanimate objects that don't come to life at night.
I can do this.
[huffs again.]
Nope! Can't do it.
Not doing it.
[audience laughing.]
[boy on tablet.]
No one can ever find out we're responsible.
Do you understand, Amanda? [gasps.]
[Amanda.]
Not even the principal? [shouts.]
Of course not the principal! [boy.]
Of course not the principal! Amanda, you are such an Amanda.
Hey, Skyler, heads up! Daevon! Oh, I'm in trouble now! You're gonna have to come outside and revenge for that.
Daevon, I'm going to kill you.
I've got it coming.
I've unleashed the beast! - You better run.
- Oh, I'd better.
Oh, no! Oh, no! [audience laughing.]
Connor, Amanda, you were saying? Hey, V.
Mom asked you to get Anita's serving bowl from the attic.
Cool? Thanks.
Whoa.
There's no way Mom asked you to ask me to get that bowl.
She did! You can go ask her, but then you'd have to go all the way downstairs, and then come all the way back upstairs, and then go all the way to the attic.
Why not eliminate all those ways, and go straight there? Oh, my God, you're still afraid of the attic.
Why do you say that with so much judgment? It is completely reasonable to be scared of a very scary place.
- But it's not scary.
- Sure it is, with the rocking horse, and the clown paintings, and the Japanese girl with the hair in her face.
None of those things are in the attic.
I'm gonna have to take your word for it 'cause I'm never going up there.
- Please get the bowl for me.
- No, Mom asked you to do it.
[huffs and puffs.]
At least come with me.
[sighs.]
Fine.
But from now on, your name is Wuss-ley.
I don't care that sounds just like Wesley.
I can't hear the difference.
[audience laughing.]
See, Wuss-ley, perfectly safe.
Okay.
It's not as bad as I remember it.
I think the bowl is in that pink box over there.
Why don't you go get it? What? That's like 200 feet away! More like six.
Who are you, Daevon? [shudders.]
Come on, you can do this.
[huffs.]
Okay.
Aah! Not cool! [sobs.]
[laughing.]
Oh, my God, hilarious! I really should have peed before I did this.
[audience laughing.]
[Joey.]
Mmm! - Smells good.
- Yeah.
But did Aunt Hester leave the meat all chunky like that? I don't know, you wanna go ask her? Chunkier the better.
What are you doing in here anyway? I thought you were working on your speech.
I finished it and I really took your advice to heart.
This speech is gonna be so wise they gonna think I got an owl on payroll.
Okay, let's hear it.
Okay.
"Greetings, learned men and women of this august institution.
" I've got notes already, but go ahead.
[audience laughing.]
"I'm reminded of a droll jape by the revered statesman Benjamin Franklin, who had a keen eye for the vicissitudes of life.
" Boo! What? What are you doing? I'm booing you.
That's what you're gonna hear if you say that speech.
And what does "vicissitude" mean anyway? Change.
Then say change.
And "droll jape"? Just say "joke.
" They wanna hear what Joey Washington has to say, not some fancy pants Benjamin Franklin nonsense! But I looked up Denzel's commencement speech, and he talked about Thomas Edison.
Denzel? Nobody heard a word that beautiful man said.
You need to take that entire speech and vicissitude it.
[audience laughing.]
Bam! Take that, Veronica.
- You named a player Veronica? - Yes, so I could dunk on her.
[audience laughing.]
Can you name one Skyler? Why? What happened? She's changed.
I threw an indoor snowball at her, and she wouldn't even retaliate.
- I would've killed you.
- I know! Thank you! She doesn't wanna do anything fun anymore.
She wants to watch a stupid show, to talk to her stupid friends, - in her stupid class.
- Well, that sounds stupid.
I just miss the old Skyler.
I went through the same thing with Veronica.
- Really? - Yeah.
We used to be really close, but when she became a teenager, she turned into this new, and I would say much worse, person.
How do I change her back? I don't know.
Sometimes I think Veronica and I are good again, and then she takes advantage of my fear of the attic.
- Wait, you're afraid of the attic? - Of course not! Look, the point is sisters let you down, but brothers are there for you no matter what.
You want dig snow tunnels? No, you're too big.
You'll collapse them.
I feel you.
Snow tunnels, it's a young man's game.
[audience laughing.]
Joey, taste this.
It's so close, but it's not Aunt Hester's.
You're right.
It's good, but it's missing something.
I know.
What is it? Spite? Rage? Garlic powder? How's your speech coming? - I got a new version.
- Mm.
That first one, I don't know who that guy was.
I sent him back to thesaurus.
com from whence he came.
This one right here, that's all me.
Okay.
Well let's hear it.
"Graduates, guests, distinguished faculty.
[shouts hard.]
Speed! [beat-boxes.]
Speed, Speed! Those are the words I heard as I peered from under my hat at the largest crowd ever assembled for a rap concert in the history of Japan.
It was yet, another triumph.
" Boo! - Again? - It's too braggy.
Braggy.
Then you definitely ain't gonna like these next twenty cards.
Joey, they wanna know what you've learned.
You're gonna have to dig deeper.
Maybe you should go and find a nice quiet place, where you can relax, and write some words of wisdom.
All right.
I'm gonna go do that.
I know just the place.
All right, come on words of wisdom.
I'm ready for you, come right on in now.
Come on! These bubbles ain't gonna last forever.
Come on! [audience laughing.]
[sighs.]
Don't bring your phone into the bathtub, there's your words of wisdom.
[blows.]
- Hey, Skyler.
- Get out.
But I have useful information.
You know how the principal in Secretville found out one of his students is a daughter he never knew he had? Yeah, I know, but, how do you know? It's Susie Merlino, captain of the cheerleading squad.
Impossible.
That would mean Susie's half sister is Romy Brock who murdered the school's mascot.
[gasps.]
That was Romy? Wait.
That's a spoiler.
You're supposed to say spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert! Secretville is actually a government experiment.
Stop, stop, stop! [audience laughing.]
How do you know all this? I did some research online.
I can tell you everything while we work on the snow tunnel.
I don't want to know.
Leave me alone.
[chimes.]
My friends just texted me, and I've been upgraded from an Amanda to a Kelly.
Kelly? The down-to-earth science teacher who knows everything, but keeps her mouth shut? - Yeah, that's the one.
- Oh, guess what, she dies.
[audience laughing.]
Spoiler alert! - [basketball video game playing.]
- [door knocking.]
Hey.
- Sorry about before.
- It was heartless and unforgivable.
- Apology not accepted.
- [video game referee.]
- Dunk! - [crowd cheering.]
I really didn't realize you were that scared.
So why did it take you so long to come up here and apologize? Because I wanted to wait until I stopped laughing.
[laughing.]
Sorry, sorry.
I thought I was done.
[audience laughing.]
Let me make it up to you.
Fine.
Go get the serving bowl, then bring it to Mom.
We can talk again at the next family reunion.
[audience laughing.]
No, I want to help you conquer your fear of the attic.
- You think I'm falling for that? - I'm not trying to trick you.
I know what it's like to have an irrational fear.
When I was a little girl, grandma gave me a baby doll and it terrified me.
[laughs.]
You were scared of a doll? Who's the Wuss-ley now? Yeah, I was four, and you're 16 and that insult was based on your name.
Okay.
Fearonica.
- Feel good about that one? - Not really.
[audience laughing.]
Anyway, I kept spending time with the doll, and the more time I spent, the less scary it became until it wasn't scary at all.
So, you want me to hang out in the attic? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I just think if you spent some time there, before you knew it, it wouldn't be scary anymore.
Or, I could just avoid attics my whole life.
But, what if some day Tessie wants you to go up into the attic with her? Why would she possibly want that? Oh! Okay.
Cure me.
Hey, I need your help.
What's the best life advice I've ever bestowed upon you? Wow, that's tough.
- You're always giving us great advice.
- I know.
You really expect us to pick just one? It's impossible.
So many gems.
I'm just scrolling through great advice in my head right now.
[Veronica clears throat.]
You guys can't think of one single thing, can you? - No.
I can't, no.
- Not really.
You people are useless.
- Huh.
- Well.
[audience laughing.]
[Justine.]
Cumin, paprika, cinnamon.
They're all in there already.
Come on, Aunt Hester.
Nothing's ever stopped me.
I've figured out all 11 KFC herbs and spices.
I made homemade classic Coke.
I even made a Tic Tac.
You will not beat me.
Would you stop flailing around? There are no cobwebs.
That means there's no spiders up here.
What's eating all the spiders? - [whining.]
I can't do this! - No, no! You're doing great, okay? Look around.
It's a room full of junk.
There's a Christmas tree, a high chair, a hockey stick.
Who were all probably having a meeting before we walked in.
Would you stop being so ridiculous? Hey, that's the doll I was talking about.
Can you believe I used to be scared of this? Well, she does look like she's trying to trap your soul in one of the rhinestones in her tiara.
[laughs.]
Man, it's so funny what the mind can do.
[Wesley laughs.]
[both scream.]
- Veronica, did you do that? - No! - [Wesley.]
Stop messing around! - I'm not! It was the doll! It wants our souls! [screaming.]
The wi-fi is down, and I was in the middle of an episode.
- Mom, is the power out in the whole house? - Yeah.
Skyler, that means you can't watch the show.
- Want to work on the snow tunnel with me? - No.
- But I will pummel you with snowballs.
- Yes! - Hey.
- Hey.
You finished another version of your speech? No, can't you see the power's out? I gotta eat everything in here before it goes bad.
It's just been two minutes.
You're procrastinating.
Go back to work.
Fine, take one of these homemade Cokes.
Mmm! So close.
Come on, Aunt Hester, tell me! Wait a minute.
You sly fox.
[whimpers.]
We gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna have a panic attack.
Okay, yeah, just hold my hand.
What? I thought I was holding your hand.
What am I holding? Oh.
My other hand.
Come on.
We've just gotta feel our way out of here, okay? - [Veronica.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Right.
[Wesley.]
Okay.
[bumping on things.]
- [Wesley whimpers.]
Oh, no! - What? - [Wesley.]
It's a coffin! It's a coffin! - What? No, no, no.
This is your trunk from sleepaway camp.
- [Wesley.]
Oh.
- [shrieks.]
But what's that on top of it? - Aah! It's an arm bone.
Take it! - I don't want an arm bone.
[Veronica sighs.]
- It's not an arm bone.
- It's a flashlight.
We're saved! - Let's leave and never come up here again.
- Deal.
- Wait.
- What? [whining.]
That is not where I left that doll.
[audience laughing.]
[both scream.]
There you are.
I cracked the code.
Taste it.
Wow! You did it.
- You figured out her secret recipe.
- I know.
If she was still with us, she'd be so mad.
Congratulations.
At least one of us got a win today.
What's wrong with you? I got nothing, Jus.
No wisdom.
I think I should call up the college and be honest with them.
Tell 'em I'm going on tour in Japan.
No way.
You just got to keep at it.
That's what I did.
How did you finally figure it out? It was right in the picture, but I was looking in the wrong place.
You see her cigar? Yeah.
You see where she's holding it? [Joey.]
Right over the pot.
Wait a minute.
That's right.
That's what gave it that smoky flavor.
I found one of your Cubans, she gave you for your birthday.
Did you feed me cigar ash? Delicious! I know, it's funny.
It's that one unexpected ingredient that made it all work.
One unexpected ingredient.
You know what? I think I just figured out my speech! Sounds like I kind of figured it out, but whatever.
[laughing.]
You guys, our snow tunnel collapsed.
Yeah, Daevon got buried alive, and I had to dig him out.
I couldn't breathe and almost passed out.
[shouts.]
It was amazing! Go take off your stuff and come sit down for dinner.
Mom, isn't that cousin Anita's bowl? Yeah, I found it in one of the cabinets.
Did I not tell you guys? No, you did not.
I bet the doll brought it downstairs.
[laughing.]
What's so funny? I love to laugh.
[sighs.]
You wouldn't get it.
It's an inside joke between me and Veronica.
[Daevon.]
Oh, yeah? Skyler and I have inside jokes too, except we came up with them outside.
[laughs.]
So, you finally got her in the snowÃÂ with you? Yeah, turns out she's still got a little fun left in her.
[laughing[ Okay, everybody can relax.
I got my speech! - Oh, Joey, let's hear it.
Speech! - [Wesley.]
Come on.
- Speech! - [Joey.]
Let's do it.
I'm not gonna give you the whole thing.
I'm just gonna get to the good part.
Okay, here we go.
"Now as I look out at your fresh young faces, I remember that when I was your age, I thought the recipe for a happy life consisted of nothing but a music career, and money, and fame.
And I got all those ingredients, and they were great.
If you have a chance, I'd definitely recommend becoming an international rap phenomenon.
[audience laughing.]
But this year I decided to take a step back from all of that.
Sounds kind of funny coming from a guy named Speed, but I decided to slow down.
And once I did, it really hit me.
That the most important ingredient in life, the one that gives it meaning is family.
So as you head out into the world, remember these words of wisdom, 'Success means nothing without the smiles, and laughter, and closeness of your loved ones.
'" - Babe, that was so deep.
- That was good, Dad.
You know, today was a pretty good day.
Even with the power out.
You are welcome.
Huh? I was the one who turned the power off.
Up top.
- What? - Daevon! We were almost killed by the attic! Do you realize you put our refrigerated food at risk?! It was the only way to get Skyler to come outside and play.
Sorry.
I didn't think it was gonna make everyone so mad.
It didn't make me mad.
I had a blast.
- I'll go turn the circuit breaker back on.
- No! Leave it for now.
This is nice.
[chuckles.]
[forks and knifes.]
So, Mom, what was the secret to Great Aunt Hester's chili? It's a secret.
[audience laughing.]
I think it's cigar ash.
Joey, he has my gift.
- All about the Washingtons - [chattering.]
[man rapping.]
All about the Washingtons Ooh! Ooh! [theme music playing.]