All In The Family s01e04 Episode Script
Archie Gives Blood
[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days ah, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
St.
Charles place.
Wanna buy it ? How much is it ? It's $140, Edith.
Can't you read there ? Well, I-I don't know.
Uh, uh, what do you think, Gloria ? Well, you already own states Avenue.
This'll give you two-thirds of a monopoly.
Aw, come on, Edith.
Will ya make up your own mind.
Make your own decisions, ya know.
In the real world, you don't go to your competition for advice.
- She's not in the real world.
It's only a game.
- So is life a game, buddy boy.
Whether you play the game in here or out there, you gotta play it to win, right ? Where did we hear that, Archie ? Was it on mannix or the bold ones ? Keep your mind on your property, huh, Edith ? "Whether it's this game in here or that game out there--" you wanna buy St.
Charles's place ? I'll take it.
Whoopee.
The dingbat makes a decision.
Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty-- what are you countin' the tens for ? You got a pile of hundreds.
Here's a hundred.
Gimme four tens.
There's $140.
Put it in the bank.
Let's go, huh ? Come on, daddy.
Stop nagging at her.
And you haven't answered Michael's question yet.
- Are you going with him to the blood bank tomorrow morning ? - The blood bank ? No.
Reading railroad.
I'll buy it.
- Why not, arch ? You said last week you'd go with me.
- I changed my mind.
I ain't givin' none of my blood unless I know who's gonna be on the receivin' end of it.
Hey, well, what's the difference ? The difference is, some radical blows up a building, right ? He gets shot; He needs a transfusion.
Well, he ain't gonna get none of Archie bunker's blood ! Neither is anybody else, I got a feelin'.
I think you're right, Michael.
That's just an excuse, daddy.
Tennessee Avenue.
My property.
The rent is $14.
Let's have it.
All right.
I'll give it to you.
Relax there.
Don't act so pushy.
I don't know why he won't give blood.
He never gives anything to anybody.
[ Sneezing .]
He gave me this cold I got.
All right, here we go for a roll now.
He's always givin' me colds.
Over the years, he's given me a lot of colds.
Edith, I'm tryin' to roll over here, huh ? It's all right for him when he gets a cold.
He's the husband.
He can take time off and go to bed with it.
Edith, I'm tryin' to roll here.
While I'm runnin' up and down stairs, waitin' on him-- but when I get a cold-- I'm the wife.
I can't take time off.
I can't go to bed.
Will you stifle yourself.
[ Sniffles, sneezes .]
Oh-- why do you do that ? You know I'm very, very susceptible of colds, Edith.
Really, now.
I mean, ever since the war-- the big one.
It happened because I was sleepin' in Them wet tents all the time, with the rain pourin' in on me.
All right, Archie.
Not the "big war" routine again, huh ? The big war made a lot of people very sick.
- I get a cold every winter this time-- - all right, Archie.
We know.
You get the only war-connected head colds in the country.
- Now, will you roll the dice, please ? - All right, I'm rollin'.
Here we go.
There we are.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Park place.
Right next to the boardwalk.
That's the best monopoly on the board.
Come on.
Okay, 350.
350.
Here you are.
Five hundred.
Change.
All right.
Here's your deed.
All right.
Ha-ha-ha.
Look at him gloating.
You'd think he was really rich.
Yeah, well, I am rich.
A man is rich who can enjoy himself in the bosom of his family, huh ? You sure are shovelin' it tonight, arch.
"A man is rich who can enjoy himself--" you know who said that ? Marcus welby, m.
D.
- Will you roll, huh ? - I wanna ask you something, Archie.
That, uh, guy that you wouldn't give blood to.
The radical who got shot blowin' up a building ? Yeah ? How do you know that the blood he finally gets Won't be William Buckley's ? Because-- oh ! I gotta go to jail.
Good.
Make it solitary confinement, huh ? Because bill Buckley would never give no blood of his To some radical who was blowin' up buildings.
Archie, if Buckley's blood is in a bank, he's not gonna know.
Well, he might not know, but down at the blood bank, they know.
They got names on all the jars.
No, they don't.
Oh, he doesn't get the concept, Michael.
Look, daddy, blood is blood.
It's all the same, no matter who it comes from.
[ Mocking .]
"No matter who it comes from.
" You hear that ? You send 'em out to get a normal education, they come back with all these subversions.
Where do they get it, huh, Edith ? Huh ? I can't talk.
I'm in solitary.
Well, let me tell you somethin', little girl.
Blood is like anything else in life.
You got your good and you got your bad.
You do not know what you're talking about.
All right.
For instance, John dillinger had bad blood.
John dillinger ? Who is John dillinger ? Aw, gee.
Listen to this guy.
He's arguin' blood, he don't even know who John dillinger is.
You're over your head, Sonny boy.
Get outta the water.
Look, Archie, I-I don't wanna argue with you.
I'm just stating a fact.
All blood is the same.
Well, if all blood is the same, let me ask you this: How come they ain't got no swedes in the mafia ? What does that got to do with anything ? Because your Italians got a lock on it, that's why.
It's in their blood.
The same way it's in your blacks' blood to do the Scooby-dooby-doo.
Aw, jeez ! Oh, that's terrible ! Daddy ! That's true ! It's not true ! [ Stammering .]
What I'm telling you, Archie, is an accepted scientific fact.
You take any two pints of blood, yeah, any two.
Uh, one from Asia, one from America-- or one from a black man and one from a white man.
Yeah.
Any two pints of blood, and assumin' that both donors are healthy, and the types match, those two pints of blood are interchangeable.
Yeah, because chemically they're exactly the same.
Right, exactly.
Are you both finished ? [ Mike .]
Yeah.
You want my reaction ? Commie propaganda, pure and simple.
Oh-- oh ! That's bull ! That's straight from the russkies, right off the kremlin line ! Archie, Archie, what I am tellin' you I'm gonna tell you for the last time.
Any man's blood will work in any other man's body, period.
That's a fact.
College life has got youse two-- all right, daddy-- you two are sick ! I'm talkin' science ! This is a scientific fact ! You don't argue with science ! It's my turn ! I got some of the same blood in me as Katharine hepburn.
I'm just as surprised as you to hear me say that.
I don't think I've ever said it out loud before.
Oh, yes, you did, Edith.
You did.
Believe me.
Come on.
Roll.
You and Katharine hepburn ? The real Katharine hepburn, ma ? Yeah ! Oh, don't get her started on this again.
But we never heard it before, did we, Michael ? No, no.
I'd like to hear the story.
Go ahead, ma.
Well, I was a little girl, about 11, and I was visiting with these relatives we had in Connecticut, in east Hartford.
And it was summer, and we kids, the three cousins, we was chasin' an ice truck, because then everybody had iceboxes instead of refrigerators, and they delivered ice, and in the summer, if you were a kid and you could get a piece of ice off of one of them trucks-- well-- [ Clears throat .]
Anyway, the truck stopped short, and I was runnin' with my arm up like this.
Get on with it, Edith ! And this part of my arm-- you can't see it now because of the dress-- but I got it hooked right on this iron part That was stickin' out of the back end of the truck.
Oh, and I-I don't remember this part too good because I passed out, but I-I lost so much blood before they got me to the hospital, they had to give me a transfusion.
Which they did.
Uh, is that it ? Of course that ain't it.
She's got a long ways to go.
Get to the main part, will ya, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
Well, at the same time that I was in the hospital, Katharine hepburn was in there too.
And to make a long story short, - [ groaning .]
- My aunt heard That three days after he donated blood to me, the same man donated blood To Katharine hepburn ! Uh, something's wrong with the story, ma.
- Well, that's what happened.
- Well, something's very wrong.
Yeah, Edith, now wait a minute.
Let's get this thing straight.
The whole point of the story always was That they put some of Katharine hepburn's blood into you.
Ain't that right ? Oh, no.
The point was That they put some of the same blood in me As they put in Katharine hepburn.
Well, the next time I hope youse'll think twice before youse encourage her ! Now, will ya roll the dice.
Gettin' a little queasy ? Don't be a wise guy.
I let you talk me into comin' down here, didn't I ? Yeah.
Yeah, well, don't worry about me.
The sight of blood don't bother me none.
Did you see that guy there ? What's he doin' here ? Who ? The chink over there.
What's a chink doin' here ? You mean a Chinese man ? All right.
Whatever.
I was just wonderin' what he was doin' here.
He's here the same as everybody else, to give blood.
Oh, no, no, no.
He ain't gonna give no blood here.
What are you talkin' about ? That's what everybody's here for.
Get outta here.
He's an oriental.
That's a yellow race.
Oh.
And, of course, he has yellow blood.
Look, there's an irishman with green blood.
Hey, look over there.
There's governor rockefeller.
Where ? There.
The guy with the blue blood.
Knock off the funnies, will ya.
Look over there now.
He ain't here to give blood at all.
He's a doctor.
That shows you how smart you are, college boy.
I'll bet down in Chinatown they got a chinky red cross Takin' blood for their own people.
Oh, gee.
What do you mean, "oh" ? They must have the same thing up in Harlem too.
Mike.
Mr.
bunker.
How's it goin' ? Oh, hiya, Lionel.
How are ya ? Lionel, how ya doin' ? Imagine meeting you down here at the blood bank.
What were you sayin', Archie, about a blood bank up in Harlem or something like that ? Dummy up, will ya.
Dummy up.
You feelin' all right, Mr.
bunker ? Certainly.
Oh, he's all right, Lionel.
He just didn't expect to see a black man here givin' blood.
If you wanna make an argument out of it, I bet he ain't here to give blood.
He's here to do some odd job, right, Lionel ? Uh, yeah, yeah.
I sweeps up.
I left my broom back there.
I need some water.
Get me some water too, huh ? Poor Mike.
They get all confused, don't they ? Your goody-goody white liberals.
You tell 'em all men are brothers and we all come from the same God, and right away they think we all got the same blood.
Ain't that ridiculous ? I know what you mean.
Yeah.
I mean, if they start pumpin' our blood into you white folks, well, who knows what might happen-- you could all turn black.
Well, I tell you, Lionel, I-I-I think there's some doubt about that.
- You wouldn't wanna chance it, would you ? - No.
But here's the guy that knows all about everything.
Huh ? Mr.
big liberal ignoramus himself.
Why don't you talk to Lionel here about some of your fancy scientific facts.
Lionel, you been puttin' him on again ? I think I need some water too.
This kid's got common sense.
He knows his blood ain't the same as yours, even if you don't.
Archie What can I tell you ? Uh, let me take this by the numbers, all right ? Let's see if we can really talk this thing through.
- Now, first, we'll take your heart.
- Why my heart ? Well, my heart, your heart.
It's the heart that pumps the blood, right ? Yeah.
Now, does your heart ask you who gave you the blood ? No.
It's just like the water pump in a car.
The-- the water pump in a car ? You get all choked up about some dingbat story about chasin' an ice truck, and you sit here and tell me that the human heart's like a water pump in a car ? The human heart is the most important, the most emotional organ in your body.
It's where all your-- your love and your romance is kept there.
Everybody knows that.
We ain't machines yet, Sonny boy.
Yeah, but that's the point I'm trying to make.
The heart is a machine.
That's why they can give you a new one nowadays when the old one packs up.
- It's just like a car.
- It ain't like a car ! Keep your voice down.
Archie, I'm just talkin' about transplants.
Wait a minute.
Now, if you're gonna start talkin' about transplants, you're gonna make my point for me.
Now, the first time out with them transplants, they put a woman's heart in a man's body, right ? Yeah.
So what ? So it's tough enough for a woman and a man To live together in the same house, never mind the same body.
That heart was rejected, right ? All right, case closed.
Next case.
Archie, wait a second-- let me talk.
Take that dentist down there in South Africa.
The Jewish guy.
Every organ in his body was Jewish.
You check me up on that if you don't believe me.
Orthodox too, for all I know.
So what did they do ? They put a Christian heart in the guy.
Now, you know all them orthodox Jewish organs Have to reject that Christian heart.
Or "versa versa.
" Oh, Lionel, come here.
Sit down.
You know what we was talkin' about here ? Transplants.
Oh, bad business.
Unless, of course, it's white on white.
Oh, Lionel, cut it out ! Let him talk ! You see this guy here ? He don't wanna hear nothin' from nobody unless it's his opinion.
I remember one of the first heart transplants they did in South Africa.
The Jewish dentist.
I was tellin' him.
No, this is another one.
Remember ? They put the black man's heart in the white body.
Now, you know those poor blacks in South Africa Don't have their civil rights the way we do up here.
[ Mike .]
Oh-- oh-- you see, things are still very segregated there.
So, can you imagine, that poor white body Walkin' around with that black heart ? I mean, the poor man wouldn't even know what restroom to use.
I never thought of that.
Bunker ? Mr.
Archie bunker ? Huh ? You're next.
What do you mean me ? You got a lot of other people here.
Follow me, please.
Yeah, all right.
I'll be right with you there, nurse.
Okay, you guys, I'll see youse later.
[ Chuckling .]
Hey, Lionel.
Come on.
You gave blood before we got here, didn't you ? Sure.
Why ? Do you think I sweep up around here ? Why did you go and tell him that for ? You don't know what trouble you start when you put him on like that.
Yeah, you're right, but I just can't resist the temptation.
Hey, what are you doin' ? I'm just wiping your arm with a little alcohol.
Are you all right ? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm-- sure, sure.
[ Chuckles .]
Like they say, I'm, uh, fit as a fiddle.
And ready for blood.
Huh ? Hey.
Oh, boy, them needles are much bigger than they used to be, ain't they ? Now make a tight fist.
Yeah, all right.
There.
[ Sighs .]
Just, uh, uh, kinda Tip me off every step of the way, you know ? Like, uh, let me know when you're about to put the needle in, huh ? It is in.
It is in.
Huh ? Oh, gee.
[ Chuckles .]
Gee, that wasn't nothin', was it ? I'll bet you a lot of guys come in here, they give you trouble.
They scream at the sight of the needle and all that ? Yeah, there's a lot of 'em-- lot of 'em that way.
'Course, those of us that was in the service, you know, w-we're used to it, yeah.
Yeah, I was, uh, I was in the army air corps Over in the war-- the big war.
And I was over there in foggia, Italy.
Jeez, it's nice over there, Italy.
You wouldn't be one of them senoritas, would ya ? Well, you could be.
I mean, you know, with the dark hair and the dark eyes and all.
Yeah, that was good times over there in Italy-- [ Clears throat .]
Meeting some of them Italian dames over there.
We met 'em through their families, you know.
"Hey, Joe, you wanna meet my sister ?" [ Laughing .]
[ Blood pressure cuff tears off .]
What's that ? Nothing.
Just take it easy.
Jeez.
Made a hell of a noise there.
Let me know, uh, will ya, when you're takin' the needle out.
It is out.
Huh ? It is out.
Already ? Yes.
Now, sit here and hold this piece of cotton.
Yeah, sure.
Are you all right ? Yeah, right as rain.
You wanna stand up ? Yeah, sure, okay.
Tell 'em they can keep the ambulance in the garage.
Ha-ha-ha-ha ! Yeah, there's no sense in makin' a fuss About takin' a little blood outta there, huh ? Is that mine ? Not anymore.
Here you are, Archie.
Here's some juice.
They say it helps restore the blood.
All right, leave it there, Edith, huh ? I don't know why you're so upset.
It's nothing to be ashamed about, passin' out at the sight of blood.
Edith, I told you that ain't it.
My sister used to faint at spiders in the bathroom.
Because they took too much outta me.
They overdone it.
They left me weak, that's all.
Look at these two arms now.
This one here is thinner than that one.
You see that ? Well-- what do you mean, "well" ? It's hard to say.
I don't see your arms stretched out this way too often.
Well, I can see it, even if you don't.
They took too much outta this one here.
I was hardly able to stagger home after it.
That's ridiculous, Archie.
They don't make mistakes like that nowadays.
- They know what they're doin'.
- They know what they're doin'.
But we don't know what they're doin'.
- What's that supposed to mean ? - He never did trust doctors.
I think it's because he don't like to pay 'em.
That ain't it at all ! Just I don't like it when they take extra blood outta ya, that's all.
I don't like a lot of things they do.
- Like what Mike and me was talkin' about before.
- You mean transplants ? Yes, I do.
Some doctors are beginning to look at us As if we was all a collection of spare parts.
Oh, now, daddy, don't get paranoid about it.
Medicine is still dedicated to keeping us alive.
All right, but not against his will.
What does his will got to do with it ? I ain't talkin' to you ! You're an atheist ! Oh, wait a second.
We're talkin' about modern medicine here.
We're talkin' about doctors keepin' us alive.
How did he get into it ? He was never out of it, buddy boy.
Life and death is his business, and you gotta go when he calls.
Unless modern medicine saves you.
It can't.
What do you mean ? It happens all the time.
That's when he wasn't really callin'.
But when he really calls, you gotta go.
And he don't want no quack doctors down here Puttin' other hearts in ya to keep you here against his will, is all.
Throws his schedule all off.
You throw his schedule off, and you're gonna have to answer for it when you get up there.
Where ? Heaven, wise guy.
You know damn well what I was talkin' about.
Heaven ! When you get up there, he's gonna wanna know from you Why you didn't come when you was called-- why you was late.
You really believe that ? I certainly do ! And I'll tell you somethin' else.
You're gonna have to answer up there to the guy whose heart you took down here.
Or to her, if it was a her.
Just let me finish, huh ? 'Cause that guy's gonna want his heart back.
Now, you just imagine-- just imagine yourself.
You're up there in heaven, and you gotta give that heart back up there, right ? And now you gotta start lookin' around for your old one.
Now, what do you think you're gonna find ? You think these doctors took care of it for you ? Oh, no.
Not on your life.
They just threw it into a pail with all the rest of the spare parts.
Like this.
Your heart's in a pail.
And you're up there in heaven with a hole in your chest.
Your turn, daddy.
Oh, gee ! Mm ! - Still hurts, huh, daddy ? - Yeah, I'll be all right when the weather gets warmer.
Meantime, I'll roll 'em lefty.
Ah.
Hey, move for me, will ya, Edith.
Go ahead.
Oh, you got a chance.
Yeah.
Well, all right, pick the card there.
Oh, Archie.
Read the card, Edith.
"Go to jail.
" "Go directly to jail.
Do not pass--" all right.
You don't have to read it all ! Put me in there ! [ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days ah, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
St.
Charles place.
Wanna buy it ? How much is it ? It's $140, Edith.
Can't you read there ? Well, I-I don't know.
Uh, uh, what do you think, Gloria ? Well, you already own states Avenue.
This'll give you two-thirds of a monopoly.
Aw, come on, Edith.
Will ya make up your own mind.
Make your own decisions, ya know.
In the real world, you don't go to your competition for advice.
- She's not in the real world.
It's only a game.
- So is life a game, buddy boy.
Whether you play the game in here or out there, you gotta play it to win, right ? Where did we hear that, Archie ? Was it on mannix or the bold ones ? Keep your mind on your property, huh, Edith ? "Whether it's this game in here or that game out there--" you wanna buy St.
Charles's place ? I'll take it.
Whoopee.
The dingbat makes a decision.
Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty-- what are you countin' the tens for ? You got a pile of hundreds.
Here's a hundred.
Gimme four tens.
There's $140.
Put it in the bank.
Let's go, huh ? Come on, daddy.
Stop nagging at her.
And you haven't answered Michael's question yet.
- Are you going with him to the blood bank tomorrow morning ? - The blood bank ? No.
Reading railroad.
I'll buy it.
- Why not, arch ? You said last week you'd go with me.
- I changed my mind.
I ain't givin' none of my blood unless I know who's gonna be on the receivin' end of it.
Hey, well, what's the difference ? The difference is, some radical blows up a building, right ? He gets shot; He needs a transfusion.
Well, he ain't gonna get none of Archie bunker's blood ! Neither is anybody else, I got a feelin'.
I think you're right, Michael.
That's just an excuse, daddy.
Tennessee Avenue.
My property.
The rent is $14.
Let's have it.
All right.
I'll give it to you.
Relax there.
Don't act so pushy.
I don't know why he won't give blood.
He never gives anything to anybody.
[ Sneezing .]
He gave me this cold I got.
All right, here we go for a roll now.
He's always givin' me colds.
Over the years, he's given me a lot of colds.
Edith, I'm tryin' to roll over here, huh ? It's all right for him when he gets a cold.
He's the husband.
He can take time off and go to bed with it.
Edith, I'm tryin' to roll here.
While I'm runnin' up and down stairs, waitin' on him-- but when I get a cold-- I'm the wife.
I can't take time off.
I can't go to bed.
Will you stifle yourself.
[ Sniffles, sneezes .]
Oh-- why do you do that ? You know I'm very, very susceptible of colds, Edith.
Really, now.
I mean, ever since the war-- the big one.
It happened because I was sleepin' in Them wet tents all the time, with the rain pourin' in on me.
All right, Archie.
Not the "big war" routine again, huh ? The big war made a lot of people very sick.
- I get a cold every winter this time-- - all right, Archie.
We know.
You get the only war-connected head colds in the country.
- Now, will you roll the dice, please ? - All right, I'm rollin'.
Here we go.
There we are.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Park place.
Right next to the boardwalk.
That's the best monopoly on the board.
Come on.
Okay, 350.
350.
Here you are.
Five hundred.
Change.
All right.
Here's your deed.
All right.
Ha-ha-ha.
Look at him gloating.
You'd think he was really rich.
Yeah, well, I am rich.
A man is rich who can enjoy himself in the bosom of his family, huh ? You sure are shovelin' it tonight, arch.
"A man is rich who can enjoy himself--" you know who said that ? Marcus welby, m.
D.
- Will you roll, huh ? - I wanna ask you something, Archie.
That, uh, guy that you wouldn't give blood to.
The radical who got shot blowin' up a building ? Yeah ? How do you know that the blood he finally gets Won't be William Buckley's ? Because-- oh ! I gotta go to jail.
Good.
Make it solitary confinement, huh ? Because bill Buckley would never give no blood of his To some radical who was blowin' up buildings.
Archie, if Buckley's blood is in a bank, he's not gonna know.
Well, he might not know, but down at the blood bank, they know.
They got names on all the jars.
No, they don't.
Oh, he doesn't get the concept, Michael.
Look, daddy, blood is blood.
It's all the same, no matter who it comes from.
[ Mocking .]
"No matter who it comes from.
" You hear that ? You send 'em out to get a normal education, they come back with all these subversions.
Where do they get it, huh, Edith ? Huh ? I can't talk.
I'm in solitary.
Well, let me tell you somethin', little girl.
Blood is like anything else in life.
You got your good and you got your bad.
You do not know what you're talking about.
All right.
For instance, John dillinger had bad blood.
John dillinger ? Who is John dillinger ? Aw, gee.
Listen to this guy.
He's arguin' blood, he don't even know who John dillinger is.
You're over your head, Sonny boy.
Get outta the water.
Look, Archie, I-I don't wanna argue with you.
I'm just stating a fact.
All blood is the same.
Well, if all blood is the same, let me ask you this: How come they ain't got no swedes in the mafia ? What does that got to do with anything ? Because your Italians got a lock on it, that's why.
It's in their blood.
The same way it's in your blacks' blood to do the Scooby-dooby-doo.
Aw, jeez ! Oh, that's terrible ! Daddy ! That's true ! It's not true ! [ Stammering .]
What I'm telling you, Archie, is an accepted scientific fact.
You take any two pints of blood, yeah, any two.
Uh, one from Asia, one from America-- or one from a black man and one from a white man.
Yeah.
Any two pints of blood, and assumin' that both donors are healthy, and the types match, those two pints of blood are interchangeable.
Yeah, because chemically they're exactly the same.
Right, exactly.
Are you both finished ? [ Mike .]
Yeah.
You want my reaction ? Commie propaganda, pure and simple.
Oh-- oh ! That's bull ! That's straight from the russkies, right off the kremlin line ! Archie, Archie, what I am tellin' you I'm gonna tell you for the last time.
Any man's blood will work in any other man's body, period.
That's a fact.
College life has got youse two-- all right, daddy-- you two are sick ! I'm talkin' science ! This is a scientific fact ! You don't argue with science ! It's my turn ! I got some of the same blood in me as Katharine hepburn.
I'm just as surprised as you to hear me say that.
I don't think I've ever said it out loud before.
Oh, yes, you did, Edith.
You did.
Believe me.
Come on.
Roll.
You and Katharine hepburn ? The real Katharine hepburn, ma ? Yeah ! Oh, don't get her started on this again.
But we never heard it before, did we, Michael ? No, no.
I'd like to hear the story.
Go ahead, ma.
Well, I was a little girl, about 11, and I was visiting with these relatives we had in Connecticut, in east Hartford.
And it was summer, and we kids, the three cousins, we was chasin' an ice truck, because then everybody had iceboxes instead of refrigerators, and they delivered ice, and in the summer, if you were a kid and you could get a piece of ice off of one of them trucks-- well-- [ Clears throat .]
Anyway, the truck stopped short, and I was runnin' with my arm up like this.
Get on with it, Edith ! And this part of my arm-- you can't see it now because of the dress-- but I got it hooked right on this iron part That was stickin' out of the back end of the truck.
Oh, and I-I don't remember this part too good because I passed out, but I-I lost so much blood before they got me to the hospital, they had to give me a transfusion.
Which they did.
Uh, is that it ? Of course that ain't it.
She's got a long ways to go.
Get to the main part, will ya, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
Well, at the same time that I was in the hospital, Katharine hepburn was in there too.
And to make a long story short, - [ groaning .]
- My aunt heard That three days after he donated blood to me, the same man donated blood To Katharine hepburn ! Uh, something's wrong with the story, ma.
- Well, that's what happened.
- Well, something's very wrong.
Yeah, Edith, now wait a minute.
Let's get this thing straight.
The whole point of the story always was That they put some of Katharine hepburn's blood into you.
Ain't that right ? Oh, no.
The point was That they put some of the same blood in me As they put in Katharine hepburn.
Well, the next time I hope youse'll think twice before youse encourage her ! Now, will ya roll the dice.
Gettin' a little queasy ? Don't be a wise guy.
I let you talk me into comin' down here, didn't I ? Yeah.
Yeah, well, don't worry about me.
The sight of blood don't bother me none.
Did you see that guy there ? What's he doin' here ? Who ? The chink over there.
What's a chink doin' here ? You mean a Chinese man ? All right.
Whatever.
I was just wonderin' what he was doin' here.
He's here the same as everybody else, to give blood.
Oh, no, no, no.
He ain't gonna give no blood here.
What are you talkin' about ? That's what everybody's here for.
Get outta here.
He's an oriental.
That's a yellow race.
Oh.
And, of course, he has yellow blood.
Look, there's an irishman with green blood.
Hey, look over there.
There's governor rockefeller.
Where ? There.
The guy with the blue blood.
Knock off the funnies, will ya.
Look over there now.
He ain't here to give blood at all.
He's a doctor.
That shows you how smart you are, college boy.
I'll bet down in Chinatown they got a chinky red cross Takin' blood for their own people.
Oh, gee.
What do you mean, "oh" ? They must have the same thing up in Harlem too.
Mike.
Mr.
bunker.
How's it goin' ? Oh, hiya, Lionel.
How are ya ? Lionel, how ya doin' ? Imagine meeting you down here at the blood bank.
What were you sayin', Archie, about a blood bank up in Harlem or something like that ? Dummy up, will ya.
Dummy up.
You feelin' all right, Mr.
bunker ? Certainly.
Oh, he's all right, Lionel.
He just didn't expect to see a black man here givin' blood.
If you wanna make an argument out of it, I bet he ain't here to give blood.
He's here to do some odd job, right, Lionel ? Uh, yeah, yeah.
I sweeps up.
I left my broom back there.
I need some water.
Get me some water too, huh ? Poor Mike.
They get all confused, don't they ? Your goody-goody white liberals.
You tell 'em all men are brothers and we all come from the same God, and right away they think we all got the same blood.
Ain't that ridiculous ? I know what you mean.
Yeah.
I mean, if they start pumpin' our blood into you white folks, well, who knows what might happen-- you could all turn black.
Well, I tell you, Lionel, I-I-I think there's some doubt about that.
- You wouldn't wanna chance it, would you ? - No.
But here's the guy that knows all about everything.
Huh ? Mr.
big liberal ignoramus himself.
Why don't you talk to Lionel here about some of your fancy scientific facts.
Lionel, you been puttin' him on again ? I think I need some water too.
This kid's got common sense.
He knows his blood ain't the same as yours, even if you don't.
Archie What can I tell you ? Uh, let me take this by the numbers, all right ? Let's see if we can really talk this thing through.
- Now, first, we'll take your heart.
- Why my heart ? Well, my heart, your heart.
It's the heart that pumps the blood, right ? Yeah.
Now, does your heart ask you who gave you the blood ? No.
It's just like the water pump in a car.
The-- the water pump in a car ? You get all choked up about some dingbat story about chasin' an ice truck, and you sit here and tell me that the human heart's like a water pump in a car ? The human heart is the most important, the most emotional organ in your body.
It's where all your-- your love and your romance is kept there.
Everybody knows that.
We ain't machines yet, Sonny boy.
Yeah, but that's the point I'm trying to make.
The heart is a machine.
That's why they can give you a new one nowadays when the old one packs up.
- It's just like a car.
- It ain't like a car ! Keep your voice down.
Archie, I'm just talkin' about transplants.
Wait a minute.
Now, if you're gonna start talkin' about transplants, you're gonna make my point for me.
Now, the first time out with them transplants, they put a woman's heart in a man's body, right ? Yeah.
So what ? So it's tough enough for a woman and a man To live together in the same house, never mind the same body.
That heart was rejected, right ? All right, case closed.
Next case.
Archie, wait a second-- let me talk.
Take that dentist down there in South Africa.
The Jewish guy.
Every organ in his body was Jewish.
You check me up on that if you don't believe me.
Orthodox too, for all I know.
So what did they do ? They put a Christian heart in the guy.
Now, you know all them orthodox Jewish organs Have to reject that Christian heart.
Or "versa versa.
" Oh, Lionel, come here.
Sit down.
You know what we was talkin' about here ? Transplants.
Oh, bad business.
Unless, of course, it's white on white.
Oh, Lionel, cut it out ! Let him talk ! You see this guy here ? He don't wanna hear nothin' from nobody unless it's his opinion.
I remember one of the first heart transplants they did in South Africa.
The Jewish dentist.
I was tellin' him.
No, this is another one.
Remember ? They put the black man's heart in the white body.
Now, you know those poor blacks in South Africa Don't have their civil rights the way we do up here.
[ Mike .]
Oh-- oh-- you see, things are still very segregated there.
So, can you imagine, that poor white body Walkin' around with that black heart ? I mean, the poor man wouldn't even know what restroom to use.
I never thought of that.
Bunker ? Mr.
Archie bunker ? Huh ? You're next.
What do you mean me ? You got a lot of other people here.
Follow me, please.
Yeah, all right.
I'll be right with you there, nurse.
Okay, you guys, I'll see youse later.
[ Chuckling .]
Hey, Lionel.
Come on.
You gave blood before we got here, didn't you ? Sure.
Why ? Do you think I sweep up around here ? Why did you go and tell him that for ? You don't know what trouble you start when you put him on like that.
Yeah, you're right, but I just can't resist the temptation.
Hey, what are you doin' ? I'm just wiping your arm with a little alcohol.
Are you all right ? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm-- sure, sure.
[ Chuckles .]
Like they say, I'm, uh, fit as a fiddle.
And ready for blood.
Huh ? Hey.
Oh, boy, them needles are much bigger than they used to be, ain't they ? Now make a tight fist.
Yeah, all right.
There.
[ Sighs .]
Just, uh, uh, kinda Tip me off every step of the way, you know ? Like, uh, let me know when you're about to put the needle in, huh ? It is in.
It is in.
Huh ? Oh, gee.
[ Chuckles .]
Gee, that wasn't nothin', was it ? I'll bet you a lot of guys come in here, they give you trouble.
They scream at the sight of the needle and all that ? Yeah, there's a lot of 'em-- lot of 'em that way.
'Course, those of us that was in the service, you know, w-we're used to it, yeah.
Yeah, I was, uh, I was in the army air corps Over in the war-- the big war.
And I was over there in foggia, Italy.
Jeez, it's nice over there, Italy.
You wouldn't be one of them senoritas, would ya ? Well, you could be.
I mean, you know, with the dark hair and the dark eyes and all.
Yeah, that was good times over there in Italy-- [ Clears throat .]
Meeting some of them Italian dames over there.
We met 'em through their families, you know.
"Hey, Joe, you wanna meet my sister ?" [ Laughing .]
[ Blood pressure cuff tears off .]
What's that ? Nothing.
Just take it easy.
Jeez.
Made a hell of a noise there.
Let me know, uh, will ya, when you're takin' the needle out.
It is out.
Huh ? It is out.
Already ? Yes.
Now, sit here and hold this piece of cotton.
Yeah, sure.
Are you all right ? Yeah, right as rain.
You wanna stand up ? Yeah, sure, okay.
Tell 'em they can keep the ambulance in the garage.
Ha-ha-ha-ha ! Yeah, there's no sense in makin' a fuss About takin' a little blood outta there, huh ? Is that mine ? Not anymore.
Here you are, Archie.
Here's some juice.
They say it helps restore the blood.
All right, leave it there, Edith, huh ? I don't know why you're so upset.
It's nothing to be ashamed about, passin' out at the sight of blood.
Edith, I told you that ain't it.
My sister used to faint at spiders in the bathroom.
Because they took too much outta me.
They overdone it.
They left me weak, that's all.
Look at these two arms now.
This one here is thinner than that one.
You see that ? Well-- what do you mean, "well" ? It's hard to say.
I don't see your arms stretched out this way too often.
Well, I can see it, even if you don't.
They took too much outta this one here.
I was hardly able to stagger home after it.
That's ridiculous, Archie.
They don't make mistakes like that nowadays.
- They know what they're doin'.
- They know what they're doin'.
But we don't know what they're doin'.
- What's that supposed to mean ? - He never did trust doctors.
I think it's because he don't like to pay 'em.
That ain't it at all ! Just I don't like it when they take extra blood outta ya, that's all.
I don't like a lot of things they do.
- Like what Mike and me was talkin' about before.
- You mean transplants ? Yes, I do.
Some doctors are beginning to look at us As if we was all a collection of spare parts.
Oh, now, daddy, don't get paranoid about it.
Medicine is still dedicated to keeping us alive.
All right, but not against his will.
What does his will got to do with it ? I ain't talkin' to you ! You're an atheist ! Oh, wait a second.
We're talkin' about modern medicine here.
We're talkin' about doctors keepin' us alive.
How did he get into it ? He was never out of it, buddy boy.
Life and death is his business, and you gotta go when he calls.
Unless modern medicine saves you.
It can't.
What do you mean ? It happens all the time.
That's when he wasn't really callin'.
But when he really calls, you gotta go.
And he don't want no quack doctors down here Puttin' other hearts in ya to keep you here against his will, is all.
Throws his schedule all off.
You throw his schedule off, and you're gonna have to answer for it when you get up there.
Where ? Heaven, wise guy.
You know damn well what I was talkin' about.
Heaven ! When you get up there, he's gonna wanna know from you Why you didn't come when you was called-- why you was late.
You really believe that ? I certainly do ! And I'll tell you somethin' else.
You're gonna have to answer up there to the guy whose heart you took down here.
Or to her, if it was a her.
Just let me finish, huh ? 'Cause that guy's gonna want his heart back.
Now, you just imagine-- just imagine yourself.
You're up there in heaven, and you gotta give that heart back up there, right ? And now you gotta start lookin' around for your old one.
Now, what do you think you're gonna find ? You think these doctors took care of it for you ? Oh, no.
Not on your life.
They just threw it into a pail with all the rest of the spare parts.
Like this.
Your heart's in a pail.
And you're up there in heaven with a hole in your chest.
Your turn, daddy.
Oh, gee ! Mm ! - Still hurts, huh, daddy ? - Yeah, I'll be all right when the weather gets warmer.
Meantime, I'll roll 'em lefty.
Ah.
Hey, move for me, will ya, Edith.
Go ahead.
Oh, you got a chance.
Yeah.
Well, all right, pick the card there.
Oh, Archie.
Read the card, Edith.
"Go to jail.
" "Go directly to jail.
Do not pass--" all right.
You don't have to read it all ! Put me in there ! [ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.