All In The Family s01e12 Episode Script
Success Story
[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days you know, my lips are starting to stick together.
This glue tastes terrible.
Mmm, these cherry-flavored envelopes taste great.
Yeah ? Yeah.
Let me have a taste.
Here.
Not that way.
Mmm, yeah.
I can taste the cherry.
Yeah, and I can taste the post office.
Let go.
I can't.
I'm stuck.
Michael, I can't breathe.
That's all right.
This is a great way to go.
We'll just stay like this.
Don't mind me.
Just go right on talkin'.
I got the stew on, so I can help you now.
Good.
I'm a very good licker and stamper.
When I worked for the Hercules plumbing company before I got married, I used to lick all the first-of-the-month envelopes myself.
And then they changed their billing date to the 15th, and they asked somebody else to do it.
Why didn't you do it on the 15th, ma ? Because I only worked there two weeks.
Oh, hi, Archie.
You got home early.
[ Gloria .]
Hi, daddy.
[ Mike .]
Hi, arch.
Gee, that's some greeting I get.
Don't all of youse jump up at once.
Is something wrong, Archie ? I tell you, the milk of human kindness is dryin' up out there.
I get off the subway, and I'm crossin' Pearson street near the park.
A big, dumb cop comes up to me, talks to me about jaywalking, you know ? So I put my hand here, and I tell him I got a stinging pain here Like I'm havin' a heart attack and I'm runnin' to the doctor.
What does he do ? Laughs, gives me a ticket.
But, Archie, you wasn't havin' a heart attack.
But, Edith, he didn't know that.
In today's world, the milk of human kindness is curdling.
Ohh.
Poor dear.
Well, now you're home in the bosom of your family.
All right, all right.
You don't have to maul me.
What are youse two doing here ? Don't tell me it's real work or I'll have a heart attack.
Consider your life spared.
We're not getting paid for this.
That's right.
This happens to be something we believe in.
- Man does not live by bread alone.
- You sure don't.
Not unless the bread's wrapped around ham, baloney, liverwurst or salami.
No wonder you're a meathead.
[ Chuckling .]
Let's see what new subversion you're fermenting here.
That's my pop, always there with an open mind.
Listen, little girl, my mind's just as open as yours is, except when it's closed 'cause the facts of the case is already known to me.
- Edith, do you know what you're stuffin' them envelopes with ? - No, I didn't read it.
Well, you're stuffin' them envelopes with radical, liberal garbage.
Why don't you stop putting labels on things you don't understand ? I understand this, all right.
"Queens free clinic, a place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, "that will provide free food, free medical attention, free treatment for v.
D.
" V.
D.
You know what that means, Edith ? V.
D.
No, wait.
Don't tell me.
I know it's someone's initials.
Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.
I better go look at the stew.
I don't know what all this fuss is about.
They have clinics like this all over the country.
Why should them dropouts get anything free, huh ? When I was a kid, you had to be in the army to get free shots for v.
D.
Don't worry, arch.
I'm sure the army still gets its share of the action.
I keep thinking it had something to do With flags and parades and things.
What did, ma ? I know ! V.
D.
Day ! No, Edith.
That was v.
E.
Day.
Come on, ma.
I'll help you with supper.
I'll tell you the "basical" problem with your dropouts today Is they ain't got no gratitude.
What do you mean ? No gratitude for what ? For what they got here.
What do they got here ? They got the greatest country in the world here.
Highest standard of living.
The grossest national product.
What more do they want from us anyhow ? Peace.
One thing they ain't got, and right away they drop out.
How 'bout pure air ? How 'bout clean water, non-contaminated food ? All right.
How 'bout confidence in their government ? All right, will ya ? We ain't perfect.
This is the United States of America.
It ain't the perfect states of America.
Dropouts are all for tearing things down.
Where are their solutions ? They don't have any solutions.
You're telling me.
Why should they ? Archie.
Look at the United States as a house on fire.
Now, those kids see the fire, but they don't have the equipment to put it out.
Does that mean that they shouldn't yell, "help, fire ! Help, fire !" You know, I think you're dead from the neck up.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta get these dropouts and welfare incipients off the public money.
You'd see how fast this country would turn around.
You'd have pure air and clean water coming out of your ears.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Okay, fine.
I'll get everyone off of welfare.
I want you to save the taxpayers a hundred times as much.
Get us out of Vietnam.
Listen, I could settle Vietnam for you.
First you take delivery of this package, and then you settle Vietnam.
Your name bunker ? That's right.
Archie bunker.
I changed it from lipschitz for business reasons.
Five years, I kid one customer, and it's gotta be him.
What's in the package ? Let me open it, will ya ? Gee, you want me to stop the war, clean the water, purify the air And see through wrapping paper.
Oh, who was that at the door, Archie ? Just a package for me, Edith.
Oh, what is it ? Oh, cigars.
Oh, hey, hey.
These ain't just cigars.
Wait a minute.
These are macanudos.
Gee, these babies cost a buck a piece.
Gee, Edith.
I ain't had a dollar cigar since-- you never had a dollar cigar.
That's right.
Gee, I don't know who sent them.
There's no card.
I guess whoever sent 'em wants to remain unanimous about it.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Edith, these cigars are the nectarines of the gods.
My luck.
I got all the way down to the truck, and I remembered I had another package for you.
Oh, Archie ! Hold it, hold it, everybody.
Don't nobody touch it now till I sign for it.
There we go.
There.
Heaviest package I carried all day.
I'll bet you were glad to put it down then, huh ? All right.
Go on.
Open it up.
See who it's from.
See what it is.
Yeah.
Oh, look ! [ Mike .]
Hey, look at this ! Gee, this is fantastic.
It's beautiful ! Look at the booze in there.
Fois gras, strassburg and camembert cheese.
Smoked oysters.
Here's a card, daddy.
Beluga caviar, scotch, bourbon, vodka.
There's nothing but the best here.
The very best.
Look, wheat thins ! Who's it from, Archie ? I mean, who do we know could afford this ? Only one man in the world, Edith.
Twenty-five years ago, when I first knew this guy, he didn't have two nickels to rub together.
Now he's worth five million bucks.
Archie, don't tell me.
Eddie Frazier ! Look at the jilt-edged card.
"Love, Eddie Frazier.
" - I told youse two about Eddie Frazier ? - A hundred times, daddy.
Yeah, he's the guy that won the war with you.
Good old Eddie Frazier.
[ Both .]
Even way back then I knew he'd make it big some day.
A real go-getter.
Yes ! The biggest automobile dealer west of the Mississippi, or maybe in the whole country.
No matter how big he is, he still remembers me at christmastime.
- Always a card.
- The last one was nice.
The three wise men were riding in a blue convertible.
Some businessman, Eddie Frazier.
Someday you two might be lucky enough to meet him, see what America's all about.
He started selling with nothing but a secondhand studebaker.
And no conscience.
Huh ? What's he done except become a millionaire ? Ain't that enough ? No, that ain't enough, and therein lies the gap between our generations.
Therein lies the gap between your ears.
How dare you look down at a man like Eddie Frazier, a guy who could buy and sell your whole generation ? Okay, so he's rich.
Now, what is he doing for his fellow man ? He's paying his taxes.
He's supporting these dropouts that youse two are runnin' a tag day for.
- [ Phone ringing .]
- I'll get it.
Hello.
Mr.
Archie bunker ? - Who is it, Edith ? - Just a minute.
It sounds like the operator.
It's for Mr.
Archie bunker.
What is it, a long-distance call ? That's what it sounds like.
[ Coughs .]
Hello.
This is Archie bunker here.
Huh ? Will I hold for Eddie Frazier ? Sure, I'll hold for Eddie Frazier ! It's Eddie Frazier.
He must be calling me from the coast to find out-- hello ? Yeah, I'm holding.
Here, Edith, you take this.
Keep the line alive.
He's calling me from California, a guy worth $35 million ! [ Toilet flushing .]
Just-- yes, just a minute.
He's right here.
Mr.
bunker had to answer another call.
Yeah, I'm here, oper-- what ? Oh, that's you, Eddie.
Hi, Eddie boy ! How are ya ? Hey, gee, your voice sounds like the same old guy ! [ Laughing .]
How you doing ? Wh-- you-- you're in New York ? He's in New York, Edith.
You're in new-- yeah, we thought because it was the operator-- oh, that was the operator from the hotel, Edith.
Oh, I see.
Hi, Eddie ! Huh ? You want to come over to see us tomorrow night ? Oh, gee, Eddie.
He wants to come over to see us tomorrow night.
Hey, Eddie, that's sensational.
Who ? Oh, the frouge twins and Billy prendegast.
Sure, I remember them.
I ain't seen 'em since fort dix, but-- yeah, I can round 'em up if you want us to, sure ! We'll have a regular wingding.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
Oh, Eddie.
That's great.
It's great to hear your voice and to know you're coming over here.
How are ya ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
We can talk about it tomorrow night.
That's right.
Before you hang up, Eddie, I want to tell you Thanks for thinkin' of me, huh ? Yeah, I'll see ya.
Oh, gee.
Oh, Archie.
Your old army buddies are coming here ? Yeah.
Billy prendegast and the frouge twins And the unspeakable Eddie Frazier.
You know, Edith, those guys was the whole war to me.
And they're comin' here.
All right, youse two, get ready.
Tomorrow night you're gonna have a treat.
You're gonna meet Eddie Frazier at last.
We're going to the movies tomorrow night.
What do you mean ? Hey, what's the matter ? You're scared you're gonna find out you're wrong ? Are you scared you might have to admire a guy with 50 million bucks ? No movie.
You stay here.
Let's get this place cleaned up.
I don't want my old army buddies to think we're living like slobs.
And get rid of all this pinko propaganda, huh ? Let's clear the decks for some real Americans.
Listen, Eddie Frazier is gonna have you eating out of his hand.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ho ! Come on, you guys.
Let's get a little life in the party.
This ain't like the old Go on, Billy.
Help yourself to another drink there.
Have some pretzels, Joe.
I'm Fred.
Fred ! That's right.
There's Joe over there.
Always got these guys mixed up.
We called them the frouge twins because they both had the same last name.
It was Joe frouge and Fred frouge.
But they ain't related and they never was.
They don't look alike and they never did.
But we always got 'em mixed up just like they was real twins.
Funny ? [ Forced laughing .]
That's funny ! And Billy prendegast over here-- oh, Billy.
You know what I want you to do ? Edith, come out here.
I want you to tell Edith the story of how you met your wife.
Edith, Billy's gonna tell you the story about how he met his wife.
Edith, this is the funniest story in the world.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Well, there was this blind date That big John kapawana fixed me up on.
I went to this girl's house which I never met.
And her mother or her sister come to the door-- I don't remember who.
And she yelled, "hey, Josephine, your date's here !" And then this girl, Josephine, come out.
Four months later, we was married.
What an unusual story.
That ain't the story.
That ain't the way you met your wife, Billy.
- You didn't tell it right.
- Wait a minute, arch.
You got 'em mixed up.
It was tootie decanter had the story about meeting his wife.
Tootie decanter ! That's right.
It was tootie decanter.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
You see why I get everything mixed up ? There was so many stories about these guys.
They was always doing something.
A million laughs.
[ Archie laughing .]
- When's Eddie gettin' here ? - Yeah, when's he comin' ? - Where's he at ? - Take it easy.
He'll show.
He probably got held up with some big deal, you know.
He's a doer.
He's probably doing something right now.
You remember that time outside of naples When Eddie got a hold of that Italian printin' press, and he printed us all up them three-day passes ? Hey, he sold so many of them passes, the only one who fell out for reveille was the colonel ! You hear that ? [ Forced laughing .]
Whoa.
Gee, what a success he is.
And he deserves it.
I'll tell you why.
He's the kind of a guy that don't lay around waiting for conditions to get good.
You listen to this, Mike.
He's the kind of a guy that makes his own conditions.
Yeah, but sometimes you can't do that, arch.
We got a little business-- gravestones.
No matter how much you push, there's no money around.
They're dyin', but they ain't buyin'.
[ Archie .]
Listen, they must be buyin' around Eddie Frazier, or else who's he selling all them cars to, chimpanzees ? You show me a chimpanzee that can drive, and I'll send him back to the zoo in a clean late-model With factory air and whitewalls ! Eddie Frazier ! [ Cheering, laughing .]
Archie, old buddy, how are ya ? How are ya ? Billy prendegast ! Good to see you.
Hiya ! And the frouge twins.
Joe, how are you ? I'm Fred.
Freddy, good to see you.
I'm Joe.
Where's Jack ? We ain't got no Jack here.
You got Jack Daniel's.
I know 'cause I sent it.
Oh, funny ! Hey-hey ! I want you to meet my family.
Edith, Gloria, come on in here for a minute.
I want you to meet Eddie Frazier.
This is my wife Edith, my daughter Gloria.
You old goat ! Where do you get off with a pretty girl like this ? It's a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, Mr.
Frazier.
Any millionaire friend of Archie's is a friend of mine.
My daughter Gloria here.
Hello.
Hiya, sweetheart.
And my son-in-law Mike stivic over there.
How are you ? Hey, you know, I got a boy just about your age.
What do you do ? Right now I'm in college, but when I get out, I hope to join Ralph nader and fight corruption in business.
Good.
Good.
I hope you'll be very successful.
Well, Archie bunker.
Boy, you sure haven't changed much.
'Course you were always full and big through here, but I can see that's all behind you now ! Every line a funny with this guy ! Edith, bring out the trays and the fancy stuff.
Go on, help your mother.
Hey, Eddie, come on over and have a drink.
Them Christmas cards that you send us every Christmas mean a lot to our family.
It's nothing.
Don't say they're nothin'.
They're a lot.
What brings you to New York ? Can't a guy fly in and see a few of his pals ? You came to see us ? Well, sure.
You guys hear that ? All the way from Los Angeles to see us, he flies ! I had a little help from the plane.
A gag a minute with this guy ! Is this guy funny ! Oh, what's not to like ? Where'd you hear that one ? I got that one off of Bob hope.
We was playing together in the desert classic down the Springs.
- You play golf with Bob hope ? - Certainly ! This guy's a tv personality himself.
You didn't catch him last year with Johnny Carson from the coast ? I was on tv before Johnny Carson.
Hi, people.
Eddie Frazier talking to you here.
I want you to take a look at this beautiful '68 hardtop right here.
Radio, heater, padded dash, tinted glass.
Believe you me, folks.
This car is a steal.
I oughta know because I'm the guy that stole it ! Eddie, come on.
Sit down right here in my chair, huh ? Will you step out of the way, Mike ? Oh, Archie, did I get any phone calls ? A phone call ? Not here, ed, no.
I'm expecting one.
I hope you don't mind I left your number.
See that ? Can't get away even for one night without some big deal going.
You hear that ? That's the way to get ahead.
Eddie.
Yeah.
When I knew you was comin' over, you know what I done ? I went down the cellar, I found this old box full of pictures of all of us.
Come on, youse guys.
You're all in these pictures here.
Take a look at these.
Boy ! In the first one, there I am with you, Fred.
Joe.
See, I mixed them up again.
You mixed it up again ! Funny ! Oh-ho.
Say, Archie, can I use your phone ? Eddie, sure.
Right back over here.
I'll be right back.
Come on, you guys.
Sit down over there.
Take a look at these.
Mike, go fix Eddie his drink, huh ? How 'bout that Eddie Frazier ? Some guy, ain't he ? Plays golf with Bob hope, but he's still a regular guy.
Greg.
Hey, Greg, is that you ? [ Chattering continues .]
Listen, fella.
I don't know how many times I've left messages for you-- no, no, no.
I'm here in New York.
I've been waiting around that stinking hotel room three days waiting for you to call me back.
I got so lonely, I even-- I even called up a few guys I haven't seen since 25 ye-- they say-- what ? [ Laughter .]
What do you mean, you didn't want to ? Can't you spare me five or ten minutes ? It's been three years.
I've got a lot to say to you.
Look, we got a lot to say to each other.
Now, don't talk to me like that, son.
I'm your father.
Uh, Mr.
Frazier.
Uh, what ? Oh.
Thank you.
Eddie's some dresser.
Look at that suit.
Must be worth 500 bucks.
- Get a load of the alligator shoes he's got on him ? - If they're real alligator.
What are you talkin' ? Eddie wouldn't put his feet in no phony alligator.
They gotta be 60 bucks anyway.
Sixty ? Ninety at least.
Alligator like that comes only custom.
Oh, sure, sure, I've made a lot of mistakes.
You'll be making a few yourself before you're through-- listen to me, Greg.
I am your father.
Don't make me beg ! [ Nervous chuckle .]
What I'm trying to say is, I'm only gonna be in New York For another 24 hours.
Well, let me put it this way.
Could you use $500 ? Five hundred dollars for five minutes, huh ? Five lousy minutes.
What do you say ? Mike, don't be standing around.
Get everybody some ice.
- Did you get a load of that watch Eddie's wearing ? - One of those Swiss jobs.
A hundred and seventeen jewels if it's worth a quarter.
But that ain't Swiss.
This guy buys American a hundred percent.
Archie, look at Eddie.
I think he's crying.
Huh ? What do you mean, crying ? He's crying all the way to the bank with 60 million bucks.
What do I care ? What do you mean ? Would I be talking to you like this if I didn't care ? Because you're my son, damn it ! Now, Greg, listen.
Don't hang up.
Greg.
Don't hang up on me.
Oh.
I was just talkin' to my son.
Great kid.
Great kid.
That boy could have anything he wants from me.
What does he want from you ? Kids today, you know, they're all this sort of-- he wants me to stay the hell away from him.
Hey ! Eddie, come on over here ! We were havin' an argument about that watch you're wearin'.
Is that one of them fancy foreign jobs ? Nah, that's an old watch.
I had it a long time.
I got it off a dead jap.
A dead jap ? - You was in Italy with us.
- I didn't get it in the war.
My gardener died.
Hey, you guys.
You know Eddie sprung for this party, huh ? So let's have a little toast to Eddie.
What do you say ? Hey, what do you say ? "He's a jolly good fellow" ? For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny which nobody can deny which nobody can deny for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny yeah.
I bet you're glad you didn't go to no movies tonight.
Oh, yeah.
You met four of the greatest guys in the world.
I hope you remember everything you've seen tonight.
Don't worry, arch.
I'll never forget it.
Yeah.
Bless them all the long and the short and the tall there'll be no promotion this side of the ocean so cheer up, my lads bless them all [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape Before a live audience.
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days you know, my lips are starting to stick together.
This glue tastes terrible.
Mmm, these cherry-flavored envelopes taste great.
Yeah ? Yeah.
Let me have a taste.
Here.
Not that way.
Mmm, yeah.
I can taste the cherry.
Yeah, and I can taste the post office.
Let go.
I can't.
I'm stuck.
Michael, I can't breathe.
That's all right.
This is a great way to go.
We'll just stay like this.
Don't mind me.
Just go right on talkin'.
I got the stew on, so I can help you now.
Good.
I'm a very good licker and stamper.
When I worked for the Hercules plumbing company before I got married, I used to lick all the first-of-the-month envelopes myself.
And then they changed their billing date to the 15th, and they asked somebody else to do it.
Why didn't you do it on the 15th, ma ? Because I only worked there two weeks.
Oh, hi, Archie.
You got home early.
[ Gloria .]
Hi, daddy.
[ Mike .]
Hi, arch.
Gee, that's some greeting I get.
Don't all of youse jump up at once.
Is something wrong, Archie ? I tell you, the milk of human kindness is dryin' up out there.
I get off the subway, and I'm crossin' Pearson street near the park.
A big, dumb cop comes up to me, talks to me about jaywalking, you know ? So I put my hand here, and I tell him I got a stinging pain here Like I'm havin' a heart attack and I'm runnin' to the doctor.
What does he do ? Laughs, gives me a ticket.
But, Archie, you wasn't havin' a heart attack.
But, Edith, he didn't know that.
In today's world, the milk of human kindness is curdling.
Ohh.
Poor dear.
Well, now you're home in the bosom of your family.
All right, all right.
You don't have to maul me.
What are youse two doing here ? Don't tell me it's real work or I'll have a heart attack.
Consider your life spared.
We're not getting paid for this.
That's right.
This happens to be something we believe in.
- Man does not live by bread alone.
- You sure don't.
Not unless the bread's wrapped around ham, baloney, liverwurst or salami.
No wonder you're a meathead.
[ Chuckling .]
Let's see what new subversion you're fermenting here.
That's my pop, always there with an open mind.
Listen, little girl, my mind's just as open as yours is, except when it's closed 'cause the facts of the case is already known to me.
- Edith, do you know what you're stuffin' them envelopes with ? - No, I didn't read it.
Well, you're stuffin' them envelopes with radical, liberal garbage.
Why don't you stop putting labels on things you don't understand ? I understand this, all right.
"Queens free clinic, a place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, "that will provide free food, free medical attention, free treatment for v.
D.
" V.
D.
You know what that means, Edith ? V.
D.
No, wait.
Don't tell me.
I know it's someone's initials.
Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.
I better go look at the stew.
I don't know what all this fuss is about.
They have clinics like this all over the country.
Why should them dropouts get anything free, huh ? When I was a kid, you had to be in the army to get free shots for v.
D.
Don't worry, arch.
I'm sure the army still gets its share of the action.
I keep thinking it had something to do With flags and parades and things.
What did, ma ? I know ! V.
D.
Day ! No, Edith.
That was v.
E.
Day.
Come on, ma.
I'll help you with supper.
I'll tell you the "basical" problem with your dropouts today Is they ain't got no gratitude.
What do you mean ? No gratitude for what ? For what they got here.
What do they got here ? They got the greatest country in the world here.
Highest standard of living.
The grossest national product.
What more do they want from us anyhow ? Peace.
One thing they ain't got, and right away they drop out.
How 'bout pure air ? How 'bout clean water, non-contaminated food ? All right.
How 'bout confidence in their government ? All right, will ya ? We ain't perfect.
This is the United States of America.
It ain't the perfect states of America.
Dropouts are all for tearing things down.
Where are their solutions ? They don't have any solutions.
You're telling me.
Why should they ? Archie.
Look at the United States as a house on fire.
Now, those kids see the fire, but they don't have the equipment to put it out.
Does that mean that they shouldn't yell, "help, fire ! Help, fire !" You know, I think you're dead from the neck up.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta get these dropouts and welfare incipients off the public money.
You'd see how fast this country would turn around.
You'd have pure air and clean water coming out of your ears.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Okay, fine.
I'll get everyone off of welfare.
I want you to save the taxpayers a hundred times as much.
Get us out of Vietnam.
Listen, I could settle Vietnam for you.
First you take delivery of this package, and then you settle Vietnam.
Your name bunker ? That's right.
Archie bunker.
I changed it from lipschitz for business reasons.
Five years, I kid one customer, and it's gotta be him.
What's in the package ? Let me open it, will ya ? Gee, you want me to stop the war, clean the water, purify the air And see through wrapping paper.
Oh, who was that at the door, Archie ? Just a package for me, Edith.
Oh, what is it ? Oh, cigars.
Oh, hey, hey.
These ain't just cigars.
Wait a minute.
These are macanudos.
Gee, these babies cost a buck a piece.
Gee, Edith.
I ain't had a dollar cigar since-- you never had a dollar cigar.
That's right.
Gee, I don't know who sent them.
There's no card.
I guess whoever sent 'em wants to remain unanimous about it.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Edith, these cigars are the nectarines of the gods.
My luck.
I got all the way down to the truck, and I remembered I had another package for you.
Oh, Archie ! Hold it, hold it, everybody.
Don't nobody touch it now till I sign for it.
There we go.
There.
Heaviest package I carried all day.
I'll bet you were glad to put it down then, huh ? All right.
Go on.
Open it up.
See who it's from.
See what it is.
Yeah.
Oh, look ! [ Mike .]
Hey, look at this ! Gee, this is fantastic.
It's beautiful ! Look at the booze in there.
Fois gras, strassburg and camembert cheese.
Smoked oysters.
Here's a card, daddy.
Beluga caviar, scotch, bourbon, vodka.
There's nothing but the best here.
The very best.
Look, wheat thins ! Who's it from, Archie ? I mean, who do we know could afford this ? Only one man in the world, Edith.
Twenty-five years ago, when I first knew this guy, he didn't have two nickels to rub together.
Now he's worth five million bucks.
Archie, don't tell me.
Eddie Frazier ! Look at the jilt-edged card.
"Love, Eddie Frazier.
" - I told youse two about Eddie Frazier ? - A hundred times, daddy.
Yeah, he's the guy that won the war with you.
Good old Eddie Frazier.
[ Both .]
Even way back then I knew he'd make it big some day.
A real go-getter.
Yes ! The biggest automobile dealer west of the Mississippi, or maybe in the whole country.
No matter how big he is, he still remembers me at christmastime.
- Always a card.
- The last one was nice.
The three wise men were riding in a blue convertible.
Some businessman, Eddie Frazier.
Someday you two might be lucky enough to meet him, see what America's all about.
He started selling with nothing but a secondhand studebaker.
And no conscience.
Huh ? What's he done except become a millionaire ? Ain't that enough ? No, that ain't enough, and therein lies the gap between our generations.
Therein lies the gap between your ears.
How dare you look down at a man like Eddie Frazier, a guy who could buy and sell your whole generation ? Okay, so he's rich.
Now, what is he doing for his fellow man ? He's paying his taxes.
He's supporting these dropouts that youse two are runnin' a tag day for.
- [ Phone ringing .]
- I'll get it.
Hello.
Mr.
Archie bunker ? - Who is it, Edith ? - Just a minute.
It sounds like the operator.
It's for Mr.
Archie bunker.
What is it, a long-distance call ? That's what it sounds like.
[ Coughs .]
Hello.
This is Archie bunker here.
Huh ? Will I hold for Eddie Frazier ? Sure, I'll hold for Eddie Frazier ! It's Eddie Frazier.
He must be calling me from the coast to find out-- hello ? Yeah, I'm holding.
Here, Edith, you take this.
Keep the line alive.
He's calling me from California, a guy worth $35 million ! [ Toilet flushing .]
Just-- yes, just a minute.
He's right here.
Mr.
bunker had to answer another call.
Yeah, I'm here, oper-- what ? Oh, that's you, Eddie.
Hi, Eddie boy ! How are ya ? Hey, gee, your voice sounds like the same old guy ! [ Laughing .]
How you doing ? Wh-- you-- you're in New York ? He's in New York, Edith.
You're in new-- yeah, we thought because it was the operator-- oh, that was the operator from the hotel, Edith.
Oh, I see.
Hi, Eddie ! Huh ? You want to come over to see us tomorrow night ? Oh, gee, Eddie.
He wants to come over to see us tomorrow night.
Hey, Eddie, that's sensational.
Who ? Oh, the frouge twins and Billy prendegast.
Sure, I remember them.
I ain't seen 'em since fort dix, but-- yeah, I can round 'em up if you want us to, sure ! We'll have a regular wingding.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
We'll have a regular wingding here.
Oh, Eddie.
That's great.
It's great to hear your voice and to know you're coming over here.
How are ya ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
We can talk about it tomorrow night.
That's right.
Before you hang up, Eddie, I want to tell you Thanks for thinkin' of me, huh ? Yeah, I'll see ya.
Oh, gee.
Oh, Archie.
Your old army buddies are coming here ? Yeah.
Billy prendegast and the frouge twins And the unspeakable Eddie Frazier.
You know, Edith, those guys was the whole war to me.
And they're comin' here.
All right, youse two, get ready.
Tomorrow night you're gonna have a treat.
You're gonna meet Eddie Frazier at last.
We're going to the movies tomorrow night.
What do you mean ? Hey, what's the matter ? You're scared you're gonna find out you're wrong ? Are you scared you might have to admire a guy with 50 million bucks ? No movie.
You stay here.
Let's get this place cleaned up.
I don't want my old army buddies to think we're living like slobs.
And get rid of all this pinko propaganda, huh ? Let's clear the decks for some real Americans.
Listen, Eddie Frazier is gonna have you eating out of his hand.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ho ! Come on, you guys.
Let's get a little life in the party.
This ain't like the old Go on, Billy.
Help yourself to another drink there.
Have some pretzels, Joe.
I'm Fred.
Fred ! That's right.
There's Joe over there.
Always got these guys mixed up.
We called them the frouge twins because they both had the same last name.
It was Joe frouge and Fred frouge.
But they ain't related and they never was.
They don't look alike and they never did.
But we always got 'em mixed up just like they was real twins.
Funny ? [ Forced laughing .]
That's funny ! And Billy prendegast over here-- oh, Billy.
You know what I want you to do ? Edith, come out here.
I want you to tell Edith the story of how you met your wife.
Edith, Billy's gonna tell you the story about how he met his wife.
Edith, this is the funniest story in the world.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Well, there was this blind date That big John kapawana fixed me up on.
I went to this girl's house which I never met.
And her mother or her sister come to the door-- I don't remember who.
And she yelled, "hey, Josephine, your date's here !" And then this girl, Josephine, come out.
Four months later, we was married.
What an unusual story.
That ain't the story.
That ain't the way you met your wife, Billy.
- You didn't tell it right.
- Wait a minute, arch.
You got 'em mixed up.
It was tootie decanter had the story about meeting his wife.
Tootie decanter ! That's right.
It was tootie decanter.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
You see why I get everything mixed up ? There was so many stories about these guys.
They was always doing something.
A million laughs.
[ Archie laughing .]
- When's Eddie gettin' here ? - Yeah, when's he comin' ? - Where's he at ? - Take it easy.
He'll show.
He probably got held up with some big deal, you know.
He's a doer.
He's probably doing something right now.
You remember that time outside of naples When Eddie got a hold of that Italian printin' press, and he printed us all up them three-day passes ? Hey, he sold so many of them passes, the only one who fell out for reveille was the colonel ! You hear that ? [ Forced laughing .]
Whoa.
Gee, what a success he is.
And he deserves it.
I'll tell you why.
He's the kind of a guy that don't lay around waiting for conditions to get good.
You listen to this, Mike.
He's the kind of a guy that makes his own conditions.
Yeah, but sometimes you can't do that, arch.
We got a little business-- gravestones.
No matter how much you push, there's no money around.
They're dyin', but they ain't buyin'.
[ Archie .]
Listen, they must be buyin' around Eddie Frazier, or else who's he selling all them cars to, chimpanzees ? You show me a chimpanzee that can drive, and I'll send him back to the zoo in a clean late-model With factory air and whitewalls ! Eddie Frazier ! [ Cheering, laughing .]
Archie, old buddy, how are ya ? How are ya ? Billy prendegast ! Good to see you.
Hiya ! And the frouge twins.
Joe, how are you ? I'm Fred.
Freddy, good to see you.
I'm Joe.
Where's Jack ? We ain't got no Jack here.
You got Jack Daniel's.
I know 'cause I sent it.
Oh, funny ! Hey-hey ! I want you to meet my family.
Edith, Gloria, come on in here for a minute.
I want you to meet Eddie Frazier.
This is my wife Edith, my daughter Gloria.
You old goat ! Where do you get off with a pretty girl like this ? It's a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, Mr.
Frazier.
Any millionaire friend of Archie's is a friend of mine.
My daughter Gloria here.
Hello.
Hiya, sweetheart.
And my son-in-law Mike stivic over there.
How are you ? Hey, you know, I got a boy just about your age.
What do you do ? Right now I'm in college, but when I get out, I hope to join Ralph nader and fight corruption in business.
Good.
Good.
I hope you'll be very successful.
Well, Archie bunker.
Boy, you sure haven't changed much.
'Course you were always full and big through here, but I can see that's all behind you now ! Every line a funny with this guy ! Edith, bring out the trays and the fancy stuff.
Go on, help your mother.
Hey, Eddie, come on over and have a drink.
Them Christmas cards that you send us every Christmas mean a lot to our family.
It's nothing.
Don't say they're nothin'.
They're a lot.
What brings you to New York ? Can't a guy fly in and see a few of his pals ? You came to see us ? Well, sure.
You guys hear that ? All the way from Los Angeles to see us, he flies ! I had a little help from the plane.
A gag a minute with this guy ! Is this guy funny ! Oh, what's not to like ? Where'd you hear that one ? I got that one off of Bob hope.
We was playing together in the desert classic down the Springs.
- You play golf with Bob hope ? - Certainly ! This guy's a tv personality himself.
You didn't catch him last year with Johnny Carson from the coast ? I was on tv before Johnny Carson.
Hi, people.
Eddie Frazier talking to you here.
I want you to take a look at this beautiful '68 hardtop right here.
Radio, heater, padded dash, tinted glass.
Believe you me, folks.
This car is a steal.
I oughta know because I'm the guy that stole it ! Eddie, come on.
Sit down right here in my chair, huh ? Will you step out of the way, Mike ? Oh, Archie, did I get any phone calls ? A phone call ? Not here, ed, no.
I'm expecting one.
I hope you don't mind I left your number.
See that ? Can't get away even for one night without some big deal going.
You hear that ? That's the way to get ahead.
Eddie.
Yeah.
When I knew you was comin' over, you know what I done ? I went down the cellar, I found this old box full of pictures of all of us.
Come on, youse guys.
You're all in these pictures here.
Take a look at these.
Boy ! In the first one, there I am with you, Fred.
Joe.
See, I mixed them up again.
You mixed it up again ! Funny ! Oh-ho.
Say, Archie, can I use your phone ? Eddie, sure.
Right back over here.
I'll be right back.
Come on, you guys.
Sit down over there.
Take a look at these.
Mike, go fix Eddie his drink, huh ? How 'bout that Eddie Frazier ? Some guy, ain't he ? Plays golf with Bob hope, but he's still a regular guy.
Greg.
Hey, Greg, is that you ? [ Chattering continues .]
Listen, fella.
I don't know how many times I've left messages for you-- no, no, no.
I'm here in New York.
I've been waiting around that stinking hotel room three days waiting for you to call me back.
I got so lonely, I even-- I even called up a few guys I haven't seen since 25 ye-- they say-- what ? [ Laughter .]
What do you mean, you didn't want to ? Can't you spare me five or ten minutes ? It's been three years.
I've got a lot to say to you.
Look, we got a lot to say to each other.
Now, don't talk to me like that, son.
I'm your father.
Uh, Mr.
Frazier.
Uh, what ? Oh.
Thank you.
Eddie's some dresser.
Look at that suit.
Must be worth 500 bucks.
- Get a load of the alligator shoes he's got on him ? - If they're real alligator.
What are you talkin' ? Eddie wouldn't put his feet in no phony alligator.
They gotta be 60 bucks anyway.
Sixty ? Ninety at least.
Alligator like that comes only custom.
Oh, sure, sure, I've made a lot of mistakes.
You'll be making a few yourself before you're through-- listen to me, Greg.
I am your father.
Don't make me beg ! [ Nervous chuckle .]
What I'm trying to say is, I'm only gonna be in New York For another 24 hours.
Well, let me put it this way.
Could you use $500 ? Five hundred dollars for five minutes, huh ? Five lousy minutes.
What do you say ? Mike, don't be standing around.
Get everybody some ice.
- Did you get a load of that watch Eddie's wearing ? - One of those Swiss jobs.
A hundred and seventeen jewels if it's worth a quarter.
But that ain't Swiss.
This guy buys American a hundred percent.
Archie, look at Eddie.
I think he's crying.
Huh ? What do you mean, crying ? He's crying all the way to the bank with 60 million bucks.
What do I care ? What do you mean ? Would I be talking to you like this if I didn't care ? Because you're my son, damn it ! Now, Greg, listen.
Don't hang up.
Greg.
Don't hang up on me.
Oh.
I was just talkin' to my son.
Great kid.
Great kid.
That boy could have anything he wants from me.
What does he want from you ? Kids today, you know, they're all this sort of-- he wants me to stay the hell away from him.
Hey ! Eddie, come on over here ! We were havin' an argument about that watch you're wearin'.
Is that one of them fancy foreign jobs ? Nah, that's an old watch.
I had it a long time.
I got it off a dead jap.
A dead jap ? - You was in Italy with us.
- I didn't get it in the war.
My gardener died.
Hey, you guys.
You know Eddie sprung for this party, huh ? So let's have a little toast to Eddie.
What do you say ? Hey, what do you say ? "He's a jolly good fellow" ? For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny which nobody can deny which nobody can deny for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny yeah.
I bet you're glad you didn't go to no movies tonight.
Oh, yeah.
You met four of the greatest guys in the world.
I hope you remember everything you've seen tonight.
Don't worry, arch.
I'll never forget it.
Yeah.
Bless them all the long and the short and the tall there'll be no promotion this side of the ocean so cheer up, my lads bless them all [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape Before a live audience.