All In The Family s02e07 Episode Script
Edith's Accident
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days [ Edith .]
and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ door opening .]
Hi, daddy.
Hi.
- Hi, arch.
How's the world treatin' you today? - Don't start up with me.
Oh, here he is, the good humor man.
- Have a pleasant day, arch? - Yeah, beautiful.
Comin' home I was held up Packed in like sardines, we was: No lights, no fans, me crushed up against a 300-pound Italian, half of which was pure garlic.
What a city.
That Lindsay can't do nothin' right.
He turned democrat.
- Where's your mother? - She ran down to the supermarket.
When was that? About 4:00.
That's two hours ago.
Where is she? I'm hungry here.
Gee, arch, all you can think about is your stomach.
If ma's so late, how come you're not worried about her? Because there's a special Providence takes care of drunks and dingbats.
It's only their loved ones that's gotta suffer and go hungry.
All right, daddy.
Dinner's on the stove.
I'll get it on the table.
- I'm home.
- Oh, are you, Edith? What kept you? Hello, Archie.
[ Archie .]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's all I get, "hello there, Archie"? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
Here.
[ Kisses .]
Wait a minute.
What do you call that, [ Kisses .]
Flyin' through the air? Why are you late? Well, actually, it all started because you like cling peaches.
- You're late because I like cling peaches? - In heavy syrup.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There's somethin' funny goin' on here.
Why were you two hours at the supermarket? Well, they're having a sale at ferguson's market: Four cents off the medium size can And seven cents off the large can.
I don't care about the-- and I have the coupons that give you two cents off every can, so I could-- Edith, hold it.
You are invadin' the issue here.
You're hidin' somethin' from me, and you ain't gonna move off this spot till I find out what it is.
Dinner's ready, daddy.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
Hi, mom.
What took you so long? Don't ask me.
Huh? Here, take this bag in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Can't you stand still here? I just wanna hang up my coat.
What is the matter with you, Edith? Oh, thank you, Gloria, for getting the dinner on.
You're such a big help.
Thank Michael too.
He helped me set the table.
Oh, thank you, Mike.
That's good practice for when you have your own home.
Wait a minute.
Nobody eat nothin' around here Till I find out what went wrong at the supermarket.
Now, come on.
Give.
Well, I knew you like cling peaches-- I heard that before, Edith.
In heavy syrup-- yeah.
I heard that too.
I know.
Why don't you tell me how much I've told you so far, then I'll know where to begin.
You ain't told me nothin' so far except "cling peaches," which is coming out of my ears.
Now, don't say them two words no more, huh? Start your story after the cling peaches and get on with it.
Well, Archie, I had an accident with a car.
What? Ma, are you all right? Did you get hit? Oh, no.
I didn't get hit.
I hit the car.
But, ma, you don't drive.
Yeah, and even if you do, we don't have a car.
Edith, how did you hit a car? Well, that's where the-- "hmm, mmm-mmm" come in.
What? You told me never to say those two words.
Edith, what are you trying to tell me, that you hit a car with a can of cling peaches? That's-- that's right.
You see, I was comin' out of the market With my shopping basket full of "hmm, mmm-mmm," and-- and there was Mrs.
Duncan with her new baby.
I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well.
He was all "swinged" up with his-- will you get on with the story? Well, anyway, I knew I had to say somethin' nice about the baby, so I went, "oh, isn't that a beautiful baby?" And when I went, "oh," the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the Fender.
And then this can of "hmm, mmm-mmm" In heavy syrup Jumped out and made a big dent in the hood.
It was a freak accident.
What did the owner of the car have to say? Nothin'.
Nobody was there.
Nobody was there? Then you're in the clear.
After this whole "rigamarole" here of a story, wherein a man can get ten heart attacks, it turns out she's absolutely in the clear.
Forget it.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're not mad.
He's not mad because he got away with somethin'.
So what if somebody else's car is damaged? Archie bunker saved 30 bucks.
Aw, 30 bucks in a pig's sty.
Tell how much you know about it.
Costs you 30 bucks nowadays to drive your car into one of them garages.
I'm very glad the guy didn't know who done it.
Oh, he knows who done it.
What? Well, I had to leave a note on the car Sayin' how sorry I was.
Edith, you left your name on the man's car? With my address and phone number.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! That was lovely, ma.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, me too.
That kind of honesty's rare these days.
Sure, it's rare.
Because there's about 14 million people in this country To every dingbat is why it's rare.
Archie, you wouldn't want some stranger To pay for damage that I caused, would you? Oh, better him than me, Edith, huh? Oh, come on, arch.
Gee.
Daddy! Oh, then don't be Givin' me none of that holier-than-I stuff over there.
I didn't invent this world.
You wait and you see how far honesty gets you.
That guy's gonna drive into one of them tricky garages, which is so common nowadays you can practically find 'em in the yellow pages Under "tricky garage," and he's gonna turn her note into a regular sweepstakes ticket.
Boy, you got some opinion of mankind.
I ain't knockin' mankind, but people are somethin' else.
Archie, don't you see? If everybody felt the way you do-- everybody does.
I don't.
That's 'cause you're a meathead.
Now, let me ask you somethin'.
You walk into a phone booth.
Suppose you find 30, 40 cents in the little coin trough there.
What are you gonna do, give it back to the phone company? Uh, wait a second.
What does the phone company got to do with anything? Come on.
Come on.
Answer the question.
I wouldn't give it back to the phone company.
There.
You hear that? It may not belong to the phone company.
That's enough.
It could belong to the last person who used the phone.
Stifle yourself.
I'd try to find them.
Will you stifle yourself.
[ Telephone rings .]
I'll get it.
Archie, the answer to your question-- I'm-- I'm ashamed to say it-- is, I'd keep the 40 cents.
Okay.
All right.
Case closed.
Oh, no, no.
Not necessarily.
I mean, so you're standing in a closet and some money comes out of a wall, so you take it.
I mean, uh, the way we think of the phone company-- it's not a-- a person.
It's a thing.
Stop the baloney.
You said you'd take the money.
Yeah, but it's still wrong.
I mean, even though it's a billion-dollar monopoly And I'm only taking a few cents, it's still wrong.
Daddy, it's like cheating on your income tax, and that's wrong too.
Listen, little girl, everybody cheats on their income tax.
The finest people in the country do that.
The government expects you to do that.
That's right.
Certain people who are basically honest do certain dishonest things because Everybody does it, and then pretty soon they wind up like you, not trustin' anybody.
Leave me eat, huh? Oh, get off my back.
Well, it's true! And we're gonna have company.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where do you-- what do you mean, company? Who? John majeski.
Who is John majeski? That was him on the phone, the man whose car I hit.
The man whose car you hit you invited over here, Edith? No.
I didn't invite him.
He just was calling from smitty's garage where he brought his car in for repairs.
He's gonna have somethin' to eat and come right over.
Oh, sure he's gonna come right over, Edith, to shake us down here.
The dent in his car is hardly cold, and he's comin' over here to claim his pound of fish.
How can you know the guy's not comin' over with an honest estimate? Because I know what I know.
I'll show you about honest estimates right now.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna look up and call smitty's garage.
What for? Right here.
To learn you somethin' About the way of the world there, meathead.
Here it is.
Hold the book right now.
Now, [ Clears throat .]
You're such a big expert on honesty there, huh? [ Dialing telephone .]
Now, what do you think a dent and a couple of scratches oughta cost me, huh? I dunno.
Maybe 30, Aw, get out of here.
If I'm gonna pay for it, that guy'll put in for a whole new paint job.
Dummy up.
[ Clears throat .]
Hello, there? Smitty's garage? Yeah.
Uh, is John majeski there? Oh, he just left.
Well, maybe you could help me.
Uh, I'm handling his insurance, and, um-- and I was wondering what the estimate of the damage was.
Oh, would you do that? That's very sweet of you.
He's goin' away to look up the bill.
Wait till you see this.
It's gonna be 75 bucks if it's a penny.
Shh.
[ Clears throat .]
Yes? Yes, I have a pencil handy.
Get out of here! No, no.
Not you.
It was a fly.
Would you repeat that, please? Yes.
I have the figure.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
Well? Yeah.
$75, huh? No.
- I have to admit that I was wrong.
- Yeah.
See? $197! $197? One-nine-seven, wise guy.
So much for your honest estimate.
How could a can of peaches cause all that damage? [ Scoffs .]
Well, maybe it was the heavy syrup.
Do me a favor and stifle yourself, huh? This was all your fault, like a dope, leavin' your name there.
- She did the right thing.
- I don't want any sermons from you, meathead.
All I want is your help when this guy majeski gets here.
Why me? Because one polack feels comfortable with another one.
First of all, it's "Polish," and second of all, how do you know the guy's not, uh, Russian or Jewish? Oh, no.
He ain't Jewish.
Well, how do you know? Because his name's John.
The hebes don't name their kids "John.
" Never.
Maybe he changed no, no.
His name.
Edith, Edith, they never do.
They only change the last name.
That way they know each other.
You see what I mean? Two guys are goin' down the street, right? One says, "how are you? My name is Smith, Morris Smith.
" See how it works? Like you got Saul Nelson, Izzy Watson-- Abe Lincoln.
I didn't know Lincoln was Jewish.
Don't argue with me, please, any of youse.
Don't you see we all gotta stick together here so we can stop this crook.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
If this guy's dishonest, he's gonna lie.
And if he lies, he's gonna get mixed up and give himself away and that's how we catch him.
Isn't that exciting? Once, on Perry Mason-- will you stifle yourself.
That ain't gonna work.
Why not? Because how're we gonna catch him in a lie? He tells us one story here, he goes to court, he tells another story.
- It's our word against his.
- That was Perry Mason's problem.
The jewel thief lied, but della street had a tape recording where the thief confessed.
Ma, please.
Hold it.
Don't interrupt your mother.
You was makin' sense there for a minute, Edith.
Let's hear the rest of it.
Well, the man lied, and della street said, "here is a tape recording of the whole confession," and Perry Mason jumped up.
That's when he was playing Perry Mason.
Now he's "ironsides" and He don't jump up no more.
All right, Edith.
That's just fine.
You gave me my idea.
All right, meathead, go up and get your tape recorder.
What are you gonna do, start playin' Attorney General? Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.
Are you gonna tell this man you're taping his conversation? Does j.
Edgar hoover tell anybody? If you don't tell him you're taping, then you're depriving him of his civil rights.
He ain't colored.
He's Polish! What's civil rights got to do with Polish? Arch, you're violating his rights under the first amendment.
Who's side are you on, anyhow, huh? Look at me.
I know I got a lot goin' against me: I'm white, I'm protestant, I'm hardworkin'.
Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me? [ Door buzzer sounding .]
There he is now.
Gloria, we'll clear the table.
You get your tape recorder.
I'll get the door.
No.
If you can't do what I want you to do, then don't do nothin'.
Sit down.
All right.
Youse two, get away from that table there.
Come over here and stand here.
Come on! Get over here.
Right there.
Now, youse, stand there! [ Buzzer .]
Sit down there, meathead.
Now, I'll answer the door.
Dummy up there, meathead.
I'll handle this here swindler.
Uh, I'm John majeski.
You're kiddin'.
N-no.
No.
I'm-- I'm father John majeski.
Uh, may-- may I come in? Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, father.
Sure.
Come on.
You can meet the family here.
That's my wife, Edith there.
How do you do? My daughter, Gloria here.
Hello.
There's my son-in-law, Mike stivic over here.
Still want the tape recorder, arch? Dummy up, will you? Well, I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs.
bunker.
You know, leaving that note on my car when you really didn't have to is a Christian act.
Are you a catholic? No.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Uh, may I-- may I sit down? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Sit down.
Sit down there, father, but don't sit in the-- oh.
Go on.
You sit down.
[ Sighs .]
Well, that's better.
What a day.
What a day.
I-I haven't stopped for a minute.
I've been on the go all day.
Lately things are beginning to pile up.
You know, Mrs.
bunker, I have a confession to make.
[ Gasps.]
I always wanted to know how that worked.
Uh, what? Oh, I-- oh, I-- "make a con--" oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
You have a delicious sense of humor.
She has a delicious sense of humor.
Yeah, she's awful funny.
Uh, Mike, uh, may I have a word or two with you in private? Just step in the kitchen here.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, I suppose you'll excuse us, father? Oh, yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.
"Make a confession.
" Oh, I say, I must remember that one.
I must tell that one to the bishop.
That ought to bring a smile to his face.
He hasn't smiled very much lately, what with father Donovan being secretly married for seven years, father callan, poor soul, sitting in jail, something to do with leaflets.
What are you doin'? What is it? Come here.
Come here.
I think we're in luck.
What? This guy is a phony.
How do you know that? Don't you never read the papers About all them unflocked priests runnin' around, huh? This priest here ain't kosher, and he never was.
How do you know? Did you see the lousy-lookin' suit he's wearin' there? So what, arch? Maybe it's the only suit he owns.
Are you kiddin'? The catholic church owns half the property in New York, including some of your finest clothing stores.
Arch, if you have any doubts, why don't you just ask him for his credentials? Aw, come on.
How the hell are you gonna do that? Oh, simple.
You just walk up To him and say, "father, can I see your cross?" Get out of here.
Good-bye.
[ Majeski .]
Yes, well, we have a very poor parish.
We have to make Every penny count, what with the painting and the fixing and the paperwork.
I-I haven't hardly time enough for God, much less my parishioners.
You know, lately, sitting in the confessional, when I should be listening with patience And understanding, I-I find myself thinking, "oh, come on.
Come on.
Let's get on with it.
" Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat .]
Father there, uh, I'd like to ask you somethin'.
Uh-- uh, the other night down at kelcy's bar we was, uh, discussin' the Bible-- uh, you know, it sometimes comes up between beers-- and, uh, the boys and me, we was arguin' about the words to the, uh, I was wonderin' if you could help us out as long as you're here.
Ah, yes.
23rd psalm.
Ah, um-- well, I know it so well.
I figured you should.
Uh-h-h-- ah! No.
That's not it.
Uh, 23rd psalm? - Yeah.
Two-three.
- I don't seem to be able to remember anything these days.
- "The lord is my Shepherd--" - who asked you? Oh, well, that's your 23rd.
That's our 22nd.
Oh, yes.
"Lord is my Shepherd," "shall not want--" [ Edith .]
That's it.
Oh, and, uh, father, you know, uh, everybody knows, uh, them words, but the boys and me was arguin' about the Latin words.
Oh.
Well, ah-h-h, [ speaking Latin .]
Uh, have we come to the word in question, Mr.
bunker? Well, uh-- uh, [ Latin .]
Yeah.
[ Latin .]
Perfect.
You know, Mrs.
bunker, I wish we could just forget all about-- still think he's not a priest? Maybe he is a priest, but if he's still after my 197 bucks, he's as crooked as the next guy.
Oh, come on.
I'll find out.
I've been forgetting the most important thing: People.
Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat .]
Father there, uh, not that I want to be unfriendly or anything like that, but, uh, what are you trying to pull? Uh, I-I'm afraid I don't understand.
Yeah.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a priest doin' what you're doin'.
W-what are you talking about? Oh, I know.
Everybody does it.
Yeah, like, uh, cheatin' on the phone company, chiselin' on your income taxes, but you, a man of the cloth, hidin' behind your hassock, comin' here tryin' to turn a dent in a Fender into a pot o' gold.
Mr.
bunker, do you mean to imply-- I mean that I ain't makin' No donations to no catholic charities.
Well, the only way I can answer that, Mr.
bunker, is to quote from the scripture.
"Go from the presence of the foolish man When thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge.
" - What does that mean? - It means, "don't waste your time arguing with an idiot.
" Well, I'll be on my way just as soon as you pay the bill.
The bill? The bill you can send on to the pope, who's got more money than God.
- Archie! - It's a well-known fact.
Let's-- let's not have any more words about this, Mr.
bunker.
I'll, uh, I'll take care of it myself.
Father, all that money.
It's not so much money.
It's only $14.
What do you mean only $14? Then why did the garage tell daddy 197? - Sh-h-hush! - You called the garage? Yes.
He did, and they told him $197.
Yeah.
Oh-h-h.
I see what's been troubling you.
Look.
I was having an engine overhaul for $183, the damage your wife caused was $14, that's $197.
The parish is so broke the bishop was going to pay the 183, but since you seem Unwilling to assume your responsibilities, Mr.
bunker, I suppose I'll-- I'll have to pay the rest, take it out of my own pocket.
Good night.
Archie, we can afford $14.
Oh, all right.
All right.
All right.
Leave me alone.
Hey, hey, father, uh, uh, I suppose if it's only, uh, $14, I can make it.
No, no, no.
Please-- please, Mr.
bunker, I-- I don't want your money.
However, I'll take that $14 and make a donation in your name to catholic charities.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, um, I only got a five and a ten here, father.
I've got a dollar.
Good night.
Good night.
[ Edith .]
Good night, father.
Good-bye, father.
So long.
What's the matter, daddy? Don't you feel well? Oh, he's all right.
Just a little indigestion.
Comes from eating his own words.
Here's your dessert, Archie.
Yeah, all right, Edith.
Leave it there.
What do you got, anyway? Oh, a nice big bowl of "mm-hmm.
" Take it away, huh? I bought 11 cans.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
those were the days [ Edith .]
and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ door opening .]
Hi, daddy.
Hi.
- Hi, arch.
How's the world treatin' you today? - Don't start up with me.
Oh, here he is, the good humor man.
- Have a pleasant day, arch? - Yeah, beautiful.
Comin' home I was held up Packed in like sardines, we was: No lights, no fans, me crushed up against a 300-pound Italian, half of which was pure garlic.
What a city.
That Lindsay can't do nothin' right.
He turned democrat.
- Where's your mother? - She ran down to the supermarket.
When was that? About 4:00.
That's two hours ago.
Where is she? I'm hungry here.
Gee, arch, all you can think about is your stomach.
If ma's so late, how come you're not worried about her? Because there's a special Providence takes care of drunks and dingbats.
It's only their loved ones that's gotta suffer and go hungry.
All right, daddy.
Dinner's on the stove.
I'll get it on the table.
- I'm home.
- Oh, are you, Edith? What kept you? Hello, Archie.
[ Archie .]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's all I get, "hello there, Archie"? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
Here.
[ Kisses .]
Wait a minute.
What do you call that, [ Kisses .]
Flyin' through the air? Why are you late? Well, actually, it all started because you like cling peaches.
- You're late because I like cling peaches? - In heavy syrup.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There's somethin' funny goin' on here.
Why were you two hours at the supermarket? Well, they're having a sale at ferguson's market: Four cents off the medium size can And seven cents off the large can.
I don't care about the-- and I have the coupons that give you two cents off every can, so I could-- Edith, hold it.
You are invadin' the issue here.
You're hidin' somethin' from me, and you ain't gonna move off this spot till I find out what it is.
Dinner's ready, daddy.
Oh, hi, Gloria.
Hi, mom.
What took you so long? Don't ask me.
Huh? Here, take this bag in the kitchen.
Excuse me.
Can't you stand still here? I just wanna hang up my coat.
What is the matter with you, Edith? Oh, thank you, Gloria, for getting the dinner on.
You're such a big help.
Thank Michael too.
He helped me set the table.
Oh, thank you, Mike.
That's good practice for when you have your own home.
Wait a minute.
Nobody eat nothin' around here Till I find out what went wrong at the supermarket.
Now, come on.
Give.
Well, I knew you like cling peaches-- I heard that before, Edith.
In heavy syrup-- yeah.
I heard that too.
I know.
Why don't you tell me how much I've told you so far, then I'll know where to begin.
You ain't told me nothin' so far except "cling peaches," which is coming out of my ears.
Now, don't say them two words no more, huh? Start your story after the cling peaches and get on with it.
Well, Archie, I had an accident with a car.
What? Ma, are you all right? Did you get hit? Oh, no.
I didn't get hit.
I hit the car.
But, ma, you don't drive.
Yeah, and even if you do, we don't have a car.
Edith, how did you hit a car? Well, that's where the-- "hmm, mmm-mmm" come in.
What? You told me never to say those two words.
Edith, what are you trying to tell me, that you hit a car with a can of cling peaches? That's-- that's right.
You see, I was comin' out of the market With my shopping basket full of "hmm, mmm-mmm," and-- and there was Mrs.
Duncan with her new baby.
I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well.
He was all "swinged" up with his-- will you get on with the story? Well, anyway, I knew I had to say somethin' nice about the baby, so I went, "oh, isn't that a beautiful baby?" And when I went, "oh," the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the Fender.
And then this can of "hmm, mmm-mmm" In heavy syrup Jumped out and made a big dent in the hood.
It was a freak accident.
What did the owner of the car have to say? Nothin'.
Nobody was there.
Nobody was there? Then you're in the clear.
After this whole "rigamarole" here of a story, wherein a man can get ten heart attacks, it turns out she's absolutely in the clear.
Forget it.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're not mad.
He's not mad because he got away with somethin'.
So what if somebody else's car is damaged? Archie bunker saved 30 bucks.
Aw, 30 bucks in a pig's sty.
Tell how much you know about it.
Costs you 30 bucks nowadays to drive your car into one of them garages.
I'm very glad the guy didn't know who done it.
Oh, he knows who done it.
What? Well, I had to leave a note on the car Sayin' how sorry I was.
Edith, you left your name on the man's car? With my address and phone number.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! That was lovely, ma.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, me too.
That kind of honesty's rare these days.
Sure, it's rare.
Because there's about 14 million people in this country To every dingbat is why it's rare.
Archie, you wouldn't want some stranger To pay for damage that I caused, would you? Oh, better him than me, Edith, huh? Oh, come on, arch.
Gee.
Daddy! Oh, then don't be Givin' me none of that holier-than-I stuff over there.
I didn't invent this world.
You wait and you see how far honesty gets you.
That guy's gonna drive into one of them tricky garages, which is so common nowadays you can practically find 'em in the yellow pages Under "tricky garage," and he's gonna turn her note into a regular sweepstakes ticket.
Boy, you got some opinion of mankind.
I ain't knockin' mankind, but people are somethin' else.
Archie, don't you see? If everybody felt the way you do-- everybody does.
I don't.
That's 'cause you're a meathead.
Now, let me ask you somethin'.
You walk into a phone booth.
Suppose you find 30, 40 cents in the little coin trough there.
What are you gonna do, give it back to the phone company? Uh, wait a second.
What does the phone company got to do with anything? Come on.
Come on.
Answer the question.
I wouldn't give it back to the phone company.
There.
You hear that? It may not belong to the phone company.
That's enough.
It could belong to the last person who used the phone.
Stifle yourself.
I'd try to find them.
Will you stifle yourself.
[ Telephone rings .]
I'll get it.
Archie, the answer to your question-- I'm-- I'm ashamed to say it-- is, I'd keep the 40 cents.
Okay.
All right.
Case closed.
Oh, no, no.
Not necessarily.
I mean, so you're standing in a closet and some money comes out of a wall, so you take it.
I mean, uh, the way we think of the phone company-- it's not a-- a person.
It's a thing.
Stop the baloney.
You said you'd take the money.
Yeah, but it's still wrong.
I mean, even though it's a billion-dollar monopoly And I'm only taking a few cents, it's still wrong.
Daddy, it's like cheating on your income tax, and that's wrong too.
Listen, little girl, everybody cheats on their income tax.
The finest people in the country do that.
The government expects you to do that.
That's right.
Certain people who are basically honest do certain dishonest things because Everybody does it, and then pretty soon they wind up like you, not trustin' anybody.
Leave me eat, huh? Oh, get off my back.
Well, it's true! And we're gonna have company.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where do you-- what do you mean, company? Who? John majeski.
Who is John majeski? That was him on the phone, the man whose car I hit.
The man whose car you hit you invited over here, Edith? No.
I didn't invite him.
He just was calling from smitty's garage where he brought his car in for repairs.
He's gonna have somethin' to eat and come right over.
Oh, sure he's gonna come right over, Edith, to shake us down here.
The dent in his car is hardly cold, and he's comin' over here to claim his pound of fish.
How can you know the guy's not comin' over with an honest estimate? Because I know what I know.
I'll show you about honest estimates right now.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna look up and call smitty's garage.
What for? Right here.
To learn you somethin' About the way of the world there, meathead.
Here it is.
Hold the book right now.
Now, [ Clears throat .]
You're such a big expert on honesty there, huh? [ Dialing telephone .]
Now, what do you think a dent and a couple of scratches oughta cost me, huh? I dunno.
Maybe 30, Aw, get out of here.
If I'm gonna pay for it, that guy'll put in for a whole new paint job.
Dummy up.
[ Clears throat .]
Hello, there? Smitty's garage? Yeah.
Uh, is John majeski there? Oh, he just left.
Well, maybe you could help me.
Uh, I'm handling his insurance, and, um-- and I was wondering what the estimate of the damage was.
Oh, would you do that? That's very sweet of you.
He's goin' away to look up the bill.
Wait till you see this.
It's gonna be 75 bucks if it's a penny.
Shh.
[ Clears throat .]
Yes? Yes, I have a pencil handy.
Get out of here! No, no.
Not you.
It was a fly.
Would you repeat that, please? Yes.
I have the figure.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
Well? Yeah.
$75, huh? No.
- I have to admit that I was wrong.
- Yeah.
See? $197! $197? One-nine-seven, wise guy.
So much for your honest estimate.
How could a can of peaches cause all that damage? [ Scoffs .]
Well, maybe it was the heavy syrup.
Do me a favor and stifle yourself, huh? This was all your fault, like a dope, leavin' your name there.
- She did the right thing.
- I don't want any sermons from you, meathead.
All I want is your help when this guy majeski gets here.
Why me? Because one polack feels comfortable with another one.
First of all, it's "Polish," and second of all, how do you know the guy's not, uh, Russian or Jewish? Oh, no.
He ain't Jewish.
Well, how do you know? Because his name's John.
The hebes don't name their kids "John.
" Never.
Maybe he changed no, no.
His name.
Edith, Edith, they never do.
They only change the last name.
That way they know each other.
You see what I mean? Two guys are goin' down the street, right? One says, "how are you? My name is Smith, Morris Smith.
" See how it works? Like you got Saul Nelson, Izzy Watson-- Abe Lincoln.
I didn't know Lincoln was Jewish.
Don't argue with me, please, any of youse.
Don't you see we all gotta stick together here so we can stop this crook.
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
If this guy's dishonest, he's gonna lie.
And if he lies, he's gonna get mixed up and give himself away and that's how we catch him.
Isn't that exciting? Once, on Perry Mason-- will you stifle yourself.
That ain't gonna work.
Why not? Because how're we gonna catch him in a lie? He tells us one story here, he goes to court, he tells another story.
- It's our word against his.
- That was Perry Mason's problem.
The jewel thief lied, but della street had a tape recording where the thief confessed.
Ma, please.
Hold it.
Don't interrupt your mother.
You was makin' sense there for a minute, Edith.
Let's hear the rest of it.
Well, the man lied, and della street said, "here is a tape recording of the whole confession," and Perry Mason jumped up.
That's when he was playing Perry Mason.
Now he's "ironsides" and He don't jump up no more.
All right, Edith.
That's just fine.
You gave me my idea.
All right, meathead, go up and get your tape recorder.
What are you gonna do, start playin' Attorney General? Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.
Are you gonna tell this man you're taping his conversation? Does j.
Edgar hoover tell anybody? If you don't tell him you're taping, then you're depriving him of his civil rights.
He ain't colored.
He's Polish! What's civil rights got to do with Polish? Arch, you're violating his rights under the first amendment.
Who's side are you on, anyhow, huh? Look at me.
I know I got a lot goin' against me: I'm white, I'm protestant, I'm hardworkin'.
Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me? [ Door buzzer sounding .]
There he is now.
Gloria, we'll clear the table.
You get your tape recorder.
I'll get the door.
No.
If you can't do what I want you to do, then don't do nothin'.
Sit down.
All right.
Youse two, get away from that table there.
Come over here and stand here.
Come on! Get over here.
Right there.
Now, youse, stand there! [ Buzzer .]
Sit down there, meathead.
Now, I'll answer the door.
Dummy up there, meathead.
I'll handle this here swindler.
Uh, I'm John majeski.
You're kiddin'.
N-no.
No.
I'm-- I'm father John majeski.
Uh, may-- may I come in? Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, father.
Sure.
Come on.
You can meet the family here.
That's my wife, Edith there.
How do you do? My daughter, Gloria here.
Hello.
There's my son-in-law, Mike stivic over here.
Still want the tape recorder, arch? Dummy up, will you? Well, I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs.
bunker.
You know, leaving that note on my car when you really didn't have to is a Christian act.
Are you a catholic? No.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Uh, may I-- may I sit down? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Sit down.
Sit down there, father, but don't sit in the-- oh.
Go on.
You sit down.
[ Sighs .]
Well, that's better.
What a day.
What a day.
I-I haven't stopped for a minute.
I've been on the go all day.
Lately things are beginning to pile up.
You know, Mrs.
bunker, I have a confession to make.
[ Gasps.]
I always wanted to know how that worked.
Uh, what? Oh, I-- oh, I-- "make a con--" oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
You have a delicious sense of humor.
She has a delicious sense of humor.
Yeah, she's awful funny.
Uh, Mike, uh, may I have a word or two with you in private? Just step in the kitchen here.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, I suppose you'll excuse us, father? Oh, yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.
"Make a confession.
" Oh, I say, I must remember that one.
I must tell that one to the bishop.
That ought to bring a smile to his face.
He hasn't smiled very much lately, what with father Donovan being secretly married for seven years, father callan, poor soul, sitting in jail, something to do with leaflets.
What are you doin'? What is it? Come here.
Come here.
I think we're in luck.
What? This guy is a phony.
How do you know that? Don't you never read the papers About all them unflocked priests runnin' around, huh? This priest here ain't kosher, and he never was.
How do you know? Did you see the lousy-lookin' suit he's wearin' there? So what, arch? Maybe it's the only suit he owns.
Are you kiddin'? The catholic church owns half the property in New York, including some of your finest clothing stores.
Arch, if you have any doubts, why don't you just ask him for his credentials? Aw, come on.
How the hell are you gonna do that? Oh, simple.
You just walk up To him and say, "father, can I see your cross?" Get out of here.
Good-bye.
[ Majeski .]
Yes, well, we have a very poor parish.
We have to make Every penny count, what with the painting and the fixing and the paperwork.
I-I haven't hardly time enough for God, much less my parishioners.
You know, lately, sitting in the confessional, when I should be listening with patience And understanding, I-I find myself thinking, "oh, come on.
Come on.
Let's get on with it.
" Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat .]
Father there, uh, I'd like to ask you somethin'.
Uh-- uh, the other night down at kelcy's bar we was, uh, discussin' the Bible-- uh, you know, it sometimes comes up between beers-- and, uh, the boys and me, we was arguin' about the words to the, uh, I was wonderin' if you could help us out as long as you're here.
Ah, yes.
23rd psalm.
Ah, um-- well, I know it so well.
I figured you should.
Uh-h-h-- ah! No.
That's not it.
Uh, 23rd psalm? - Yeah.
Two-three.
- I don't seem to be able to remember anything these days.
- "The lord is my Shepherd--" - who asked you? Oh, well, that's your 23rd.
That's our 22nd.
Oh, yes.
"Lord is my Shepherd," "shall not want--" [ Edith .]
That's it.
Oh, and, uh, father, you know, uh, everybody knows, uh, them words, but the boys and me was arguin' about the Latin words.
Oh.
Well, ah-h-h, [ speaking Latin .]
Uh, have we come to the word in question, Mr.
bunker? Well, uh-- uh, [ Latin .]
Yeah.
[ Latin .]
Perfect.
You know, Mrs.
bunker, I wish we could just forget all about-- still think he's not a priest? Maybe he is a priest, but if he's still after my 197 bucks, he's as crooked as the next guy.
Oh, come on.
I'll find out.
I've been forgetting the most important thing: People.
Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat .]
Father there, uh, not that I want to be unfriendly or anything like that, but, uh, what are you trying to pull? Uh, I-I'm afraid I don't understand.
Yeah.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a priest doin' what you're doin'.
W-what are you talking about? Oh, I know.
Everybody does it.
Yeah, like, uh, cheatin' on the phone company, chiselin' on your income taxes, but you, a man of the cloth, hidin' behind your hassock, comin' here tryin' to turn a dent in a Fender into a pot o' gold.
Mr.
bunker, do you mean to imply-- I mean that I ain't makin' No donations to no catholic charities.
Well, the only way I can answer that, Mr.
bunker, is to quote from the scripture.
"Go from the presence of the foolish man When thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge.
" - What does that mean? - It means, "don't waste your time arguing with an idiot.
" Well, I'll be on my way just as soon as you pay the bill.
The bill? The bill you can send on to the pope, who's got more money than God.
- Archie! - It's a well-known fact.
Let's-- let's not have any more words about this, Mr.
bunker.
I'll, uh, I'll take care of it myself.
Father, all that money.
It's not so much money.
It's only $14.
What do you mean only $14? Then why did the garage tell daddy 197? - Sh-h-hush! - You called the garage? Yes.
He did, and they told him $197.
Yeah.
Oh-h-h.
I see what's been troubling you.
Look.
I was having an engine overhaul for $183, the damage your wife caused was $14, that's $197.
The parish is so broke the bishop was going to pay the 183, but since you seem Unwilling to assume your responsibilities, Mr.
bunker, I suppose I'll-- I'll have to pay the rest, take it out of my own pocket.
Good night.
Archie, we can afford $14.
Oh, all right.
All right.
All right.
Leave me alone.
Hey, hey, father, uh, uh, I suppose if it's only, uh, $14, I can make it.
No, no, no.
Please-- please, Mr.
bunker, I-- I don't want your money.
However, I'll take that $14 and make a donation in your name to catholic charities.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, um, I only got a five and a ten here, father.
I've got a dollar.
Good night.
Good night.
[ Edith .]
Good night, father.
Good-bye, father.
So long.
What's the matter, daddy? Don't you feel well? Oh, he's all right.
Just a little indigestion.
Comes from eating his own words.
Here's your dessert, Archie.
Yeah, all right, Edith.
Leave it there.
What do you got, anyway? Oh, a nice big bowl of "mm-hmm.
" Take it away, huh? I bought 11 cans.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.