All In The Family s02e12 Episode Script
Cousin Maude's Visit
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ Archie .]
Edith! Comin', Archie! - Mother! - Oh, I'll be with you in a minute, Gloria.
Your father wants some aspirin.
Edith, bring the kaopectate too, will ya? Hurry up! Oh! [ Mike .]
Ma, I need some nose drops! Right away, Mike! Nose drops.
- Mom? - In a minute, Gloria.
I'm doin' the best I can with the three of you sick this way.
[ Groans .]
[ Sneezes .]
Gloria! What are you doing up? You're supposed to be resting.
I know, mom, but you're so busy, and I want a cup of tea.
[ Archie .]
Edith, you dingbat! You brung me the milk of magnesia! I got 'em mixed up.
I'm sorry, Archie! That's all right, mom.
I'll get the tea.
No! I'll get the tea.
You go down and rest.
[ Archie .]
Edith, come on! I'll be with you in a second, Archie! [ Mike .]
Ma! She's in the kitchen! What? I can't hear you! I said, she's in the kitchen! Mike, God, you know how lousy I feel! Must you make me scream? What did you say? I need some orange juice, ma! [ Archie .]
Edith, come on! Here's your tea, dear.
Nice and hot.
Thank you, ma.
Edith, you got me walkin' a plank! The kaopectate! Coming, Archie! Don't forget the ginger ale to kill the taste of it! Oh, ginger ale.
[ Panting .]
Oh-oh, my.
Stop, ma.
Enough is enough.
Daddy, Michael, you two bundle up and come down here before ma falls on her face! Come on, ma.
You gotta sit down and rest.
Well, I'll be all right just as soon as I catch my breath.
Oh, my! It wasn't so bad the first two days When I wasn't so tired and you wasn't so sick.
Oh, ma, we just gotta send for cousin maude to come and help out, or you're gonna get sick too.
I phoned her, but your father sent her a telegram and told her not to come.
He won't have her around.
[ Coughing .]
Where's the kaopectate? Don't you wanna open the ginger ale first? There ain't no time for the ginger ale now.
Oh, geez! Edith, get the ginger ale now.
How could you mix up milk of magnesia with kaopectate, Edith? It's like mixing up prune juice with radiator sealant.
Get out of my chair, meathead! [ Groaning .]
Come on, Edith, with the ginger ale, huh? Here you are, Archie.
Daddy, this has gotta stop.
We're killing mom.
I don't know why you won't let cousin maude come and help out.
Oh, go blow your nose! We ain't lettin' that woman in this house, and that's the end of the discussion.
How could you hate her through all these years? Are you kidding? Archie's hatred's like a fine wine.
It mellows with age.
Why don't you go take a pill for yourself, huh? I need some vitamin "c.
" I'll get it, Michael.
You go sit down on the sofa next to Gloria.
You can share the blanket.
I'm not sittin' next to Gloria.
She's highly infectious! She's the one I caught this thing from in the first place.
Don't you blame that on me.
I warned you I was coming down with something.
Why'd you have to kiss me? 'Cause I liked you that day.
[ Coughing .]
Aw, cut that out, huh? You're spraying all your "infecterous" germs over on me.
Archie, if there's no personal contact, there's no danger of further infection.
That's with regular germs.
Them polack bugs of yours are too dumb to know the rules.
[ Coughing .]
Thanks, ma.
Here you are, Mike.
Ma? Ma, will you please get me the nose spray? Yes, dear.
And some orange juice, ma.
Wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it.
Stop runnin' around.
Get over here.
Now, we're all gonna be down here.
I'm gonna make up some rules here and regulations and "priorororities.
" And the first "priorority" is me, 'cause I'm the one that's really sick.
You're sick? My leg and my back muscles ache, and I'm nauseous all the time.
Oh, I feel for you, Gloria.
I really do.
But you have one of the lesser strains of the virus.
I have the big one! [ Exaggerated cough .]
I'm the one! I'm the guy! I'm the breadwinner here, all right? And I gotta get well.
Geez.
I gotta feed three human beings and a government mule.
Now, if the two of youse want anything, you'll just have to serve yourselves, that's all, 'cause Edith is gonna be waitin' on me.
I got a very delicate condition.
And keep the path clear between here and the bathroom at all times.
Daddy, I think it's high time we reconsidered cousin maude.
Well, you just forget that.
Oh, boy.
She's the only relative on the two sides of the family that'll come when you need her, and you won't have her around.
I don't see what on earth you've got against her.
Well, she's a big mouth buttinsky.
She was from the first day I met her.
Oh.
I remember that day.
[ Chuckles .]
Maude and me was sittin' in The puritan maid ice cream parlor, havin' their special.
It was called a steamboat.
Five flavors of ice cream, three different toppings-- whipped cream, marshmallow, butterscotch sauce-- all right, Edith! Cut it out, huh? Will you lay off that stuff? My belly's turnin' over here.
No, go on, ma.
I wanna know what happened.
Well, I'll tell it, and I'll save you some time.
Your mother and her cousin maude were sittin' in the puritan maid ice cream parlor, that's all.
I was in there with another guy, Rupert Pratt.
Talkin' about gettin' sick.
You should've seen Rupert Pratt Turn his eyelids inside out.
Well, anyway, I was in there, and I was just, uh, tryin' to get your mother's attention, that's all.
- How'd you do that, daddy? - He was so cute.
I'm tellin' the story, Edith.
I was tryin' to make your mother laugh.
'Cause that was my-- what do you call-- style in them days.
Oh, yeah.
You should've seen him.
First, he stuffed two straws up his nose like a walrus.
All right, Edith, eh? And then he made out like he was shot in the belly, and he put his head back like this and let chocolate syrup Drip out of the corner of his mouth.
Will you stifle yourself! Go on, ma.
Did he make you laugh? Oh, I'll say.
[ Chuckles .]
Finally, he got up and came over To where maude and me were sittin'.
And while he looked at me straight in the eye, your father squished his hand Right down into my steamboat.
Well, I had to laugh, 'cause there he was up to here in five flavors, three toppings-- marshmallow, whipped cream-- all right, Edith, huh? We all heard how you make a steamboat.
If you want to tell 'em something, why don't you tell 'em What your cousin maude, that gorgeous cousin maude of yours, said to me on that occasion.
Well, she said-- oh, Archie, you really want me to repeat it? Certainly.
Let the two of 'em know.
Let 'em know what a no-class person she really is.
Well, she said that She hadn't seen nothin' so disgustin' Since her kid brother heaved up his whole dinner at his confirmation.
There.
Hear that? Nice, huh? I pull off the funniest stunt in the whole history of the puritan maid ice cream parlor, and maude comes up with a revoltin' story about confirmation.
I hate that dame.
Well, she ain't too crazy about you neither.
Ever since that fight your father and maude had one Christmas, when she caught him drawin' horns and a moustache On a picture of president Roosevelt.
Cousin maude liked Roosevelt, huh, ma? Oh, yeah.
She was nuts about the guy.
Once, she ran 30 blocks up Broadway during a parade Just to catch up with his car and touch his hand.
Certainly.
She was a new deal fanatic.
Oh, boy, I'm feelin' lousier by the minute.
Aw, quit complainin', huh? Cut out the fakin' with that thermometer there.
Fakin', huh? Look at that inflammation! Get that ugly tongue away from me! Oh, yeah? Feel those swollen glands there.
Get out of here! I don't wanna feel no part of you.
Why? You're afraid you'll find out that I'm really sicker than you? You're sicker than me? Did you hear that, Edith? Yes! He said-- Edith, get me the other thermometer, right now.
We'll find out who's the sickest here.
Fine.
Yeah, all right.
Take that out and shake it down all the way.
All right.
You shake yours down.
This one's already shook down.
Now, stick that in your yap and clam up.
I'll time it.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi-- - what are you doin', ma? - I'm countin' 60 seconds.
That's they way they taught us in school.
Oh, my.
What Mississippi was I up to? [ Mumbling .]
You got to four Mississippi.
What did you say, Archie? Five Mississippi, six Mississippi-- oh, yeah.
Four Mississippi, five Mississippi-- you're going back! Ma, you lost count.
You're way behind.
I know.
I'll time it by "the minute waltz.
" - [ Humming .]
- Oh, will you shut up! Next time you wanna time somethin', Edith, just let the sand run out of your head.
That's it.
Time's up.
What've you got? Oh, no.
No, no.
I'm callin' you.
What do you got? Can you beat 99? Can I beat 99? I can beat 99 with points to spare.
What does that say, Edith? Mckesson and Roberts-- aw, give me that! Can I beat 99? What do you say to 99.
3? Read it and weep.
Let me see that.
All right.
There it is-- 101.
2.
Yeah, we found out who's really sick around here.
[ Chuckles .]
What am I happy about? I'm dying.
Gloria, get up.
Let me lie down on the couch.
Oh, no, you don't.
My temperature's 101.
And for two tenths of a point, you're not taking my couch.
Gloria, I am sick! Will you let me lie down on the couch? Aw, dummy up, the two of youse, will ya? Hypochondriac! Hypochondriac, huh? I got a 101.
2! That ain't hypochondriac! [ Doorbell ringing .]
Edith, the doorbell is ringing! [ Yelling continues .]
Edith, the doorbell-- ah, what's the use! [ Mike .]
That's it! I'm gettin' hotter! I'm gettin' worse! Shut up, all of ya! Shhhh! [ Arguing stops .]
There's a person at the door.
- Maude! - Edith! Wait a minute! Didn't you get my telegram telling you to stay the hell away from here? Of course I got your telegram Telling me to stay the hell away from here.
Edith, honey! You can rest easy now.
Maudie is here.
Aw, geez.
Okay, everybody.
Rise and shine.
Time to get up.
Lazy Mary, will you get up will you get up will you get up come on, everybody! Edith! Mike, Gloria, everybody, we're gonna have breakfast downstairs together.
The exercise'll do you good.
Good morning good morning you've slept the whole night through good morning good morning to you are you waiting for a special invitation? I said breakfast is on the table.
I heard ya.
So did every moose up in Canada.
Listen, Archie, I'm not going to let you upset me.
I'm only here because of Edith.
The fact that you happen to be here with her is beyond my control, like any other freak of nature.
Now, you can either come to the table and eat, or you can lie there and feed off your own fat.
And if you choose the latter, you could probably lie there for months.
I didn't sleep a whole wink here last night! It's daytime now, so get off the couch.
You'll be in the way.
What are you talkin' about? You're the one that put me on the couch.
You're the one that wouldn't let me sleep with my own wife up there in my own bed.
Your wife needs her rest.
Probably the first peaceful night's sleep she's had in 20 years.
Dear, sweet Edith.
I'd kill for that girl.
Geez, maude, you already buried two husbands.
Ain't that enough killin' for ya? It's only 8:00 in the morning, and already that foul mouth is open for business.
Fred died of a brain hemorrhage, and Bert died of a heart seizure.
And you know that very well, Archie bunker.
All I know, I seen the two of them Layin' up at the funeral parlor with big smiles on their faces.
Good morning, everybody.
Here's Edith.
Get up, Archie.
What for? Oh, look, you got everything ready.
That's right.
Sit there, Archie.
You know, Bert and Fred-- God rest their souls-- used to jump up and hold my chair for me.
[ Edith .]
It's a shame they both had to die so young.
It was all that jumpin' up, holdin' out chairs.
Watch it, Archie.
[ Blows raspberry .]
You're common.
Here, sweetheart.
You drink your juice, and I'm gonna make you a nice hot breakfast.
Oh, my! I feel so rested.
I bet that's the first good night's sleep I've had in 20 years.
How do you feel, Archie? How would you feel if you was woke up by a singin' storm trooper? But she's such a big help, [ Groans .]
And she means well.
Don't walk so close to me, will ya? You're breathin' on me.
Then walk faster, 'cause I'm hungry.
Well, how do you two feel this morning? Well, my temperature's down to 100, but my throat still feels bad.
My eyes are clearin' up, but my nasal passage-- who cares, Michael? Who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long So that he could gargle and take his pills And wheeze over his inhaler for ten minutes.
You know something, Michael? When you're sick, you're sick! Good morning, children.
Here, sweetheart.
I made you a lovely breakfast-- bacon and eggs, toast and potatoes.
Thank you.
And for you, I made delicious custard.
Oh, thank you.
Good for the tum-tum.
And this is for you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Custard for them? What the hell do you call this? It's my own invention-- cream of wheat with cheese.
Cream of wheat with cheese? It's light, but it binds.
This here looks like somethin' I ate and lost.
Oh, daddy, don't be so crude.
[ Maude .]
Crude? He was always crude.
I remember when he and Edith were courting, they used to love to go to the movies.
With a screen full of Leslie Howards, Spencer Tracys and Clark gables, he took her to see Buster crabbe.
Damn right.
A hell of an actor.
You never knew what was any good, maude.
You was always wrong about everything.
The luckiest day in Edith's life was the day I took her away from you And your whole family of dreamy-eyed screwballs.
You're not stopping at me.
Now you're attacking the whole family.
And after that wedding, those presents we gave you! Presents? What presents? All I remember Edith bringing with her was a waffle iron, a raincoat that leaked, four cavities and a compacted wisdom tooth.
Presents.
[ Mock laughter .]
Just get out of my way! Get out of my way! Cream of wheat and cheese, huh? Wrong again, maude! Don't mind him, maude.
He ain't himself today.
He wasn't so great yesterday either.
Well, what can you expect from a man who used to laugh out loud at ish kabibble? What's ish kabibble? He was a person.
He played in kay kyser's band.
The college of musical knowledge.
- Was he funny? - Like a migraine.
But every time kay kyser said, "and here's ish kabibble," your father laughed.
Now, come on, everybody.
Let's all go into the living room.
Leave the dishes.
I'll clean them up later.
Come on, sweetheart.
Now, you sit over here, Edith.
Make yourself comfortable, honey.
I want you to get all the rest you need.
Don't worry about me, maude.
You know, this is the first time I've been off my feet today.
It really feels good.
Maude, maybe you'd better not sit in that chair.
Why not? This old chair is just perfect for me.
- You see, Archie-- - Archie, Archie.
Oh, Edith, when I think of the hundreds of men you could have married.
Who? Well, there was, uh-- there was Bruce pellet, for one.
He liked you a lot, Edith.
Bruce pellet.
Bruce-- oh, I remember him.
He was always pickin' at himself like his underwear was too tight.
And then one day, we didn't notice it no more.
Oh, you mean he stopped? No, he moved out of the neighborhood.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're in my chair, maude.
So? I wanna sit in my chair.
- Oh? - You gonna get out of my chair? No! Now, maude, if you don't get out of that chair, I got a way to make you very, very upset.
- Archie, please.
- Stay out of this now, Edith.
Come on, maude.
Last chance.
You gonna get out of there? Get lost.
Ho, ho, ho.
Well, I got the secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away.
Here we go.
This country was ruined By Franklin delano Roosevelt! You're fat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Franklin delano Roosevelt-- you promised never to say that name again in front of maude.
Franklin delano Roosevelt! He don't mean nothin'.
His whole family was for Roosevelt.
That was for two terms, but that was it! We didn't know the guy was gonna hang on to the job like a pope! He hung on To save the country.
The people adored him.
He was a Saint.
That man had charisma.
I don't care if he was sick.
He always had his big mouth open at them fireside chats.
Those fireside chats kept this country informed.
And one "my friends" from Roosevelt Was worth a barrel full of "let me make this perfectly clears.
" Ohh! Now you're rappin' my president, huh? Well, let me tell you one thing about Richard e.
Nixon.
He knows how to keep his wife pat home.
Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor.
She was always out on the loose, runnin' around with the coloreds, tellin' 'em they was gettin' the short end of the stick.
She was the one that discovered the coloreds in this country.
We never knew they was there.
And we've been havin' nothin' but trouble with them ever since! It was a question of civil rights or civil war.
We got civil war, maude! We got riots in the streets! Because of poverty and unemployment.
No! Because of Franklin delano Roosevelt, the first creepin' socialist.
He brought the country back from the depression.
And dumped us right into the middle of world war ii.
Which he won as our commander in chief.
No! That's a lie! General macarthur won that war.
And Roosevelt fired him for it.
That was Truman.
Under secret sealed orders from f.
D.
R.
Oh, come on! That's a fact, maude! Just like that other fact-- that he sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.
They met at yalta.
He sold us out there too! He handed all of Europe over to the russkies on a silver platter.
I don't wanna argue with you no more, maude! And I got my chair back! You know, Archie, I think I liked you better When you were shoving straws up your nose.
I'm leaving this house! Maude! Let her go! I got my chair back.
Archie, you can have your chair.
Only don't move around too much.
You'll crush your brains.
Maude-- don't say nothin' to her! Let her go, Edith! I don't want her around-- what's the matter with you? Oh, my.
What's wrong, honey? Archie, when you first got sick, where did it hit you? Oh, geez, you know where it hit me.
Mike, where did you feel it? It was my head.
I got dizzy.
- You, Gloria? - Suddenly, I felt nauseous and I started throwing up.
That's the one! Wait a minute! Edith! Where are you going? Edith, what's the matter with you? I'm sick! Edith, you can't be sick! What's gonna happen to us? Who the hell's gonna take care of us? Maudie's here.
Aw, geez.
In sickness and in health.
Oh, boy.
What are youse tryin' to do, give your germs a new lease on life? Come on, daddy.
Don't be so grumpy.
You should be happy we're feeling better.
How can I be happy With that woman up there? Hangin' around my neck like an albatross.
Archie, you have to have patience.
That's the way it is with the flu.
Sometimes it lasts a couple of days, sometimes you can be sick for a week.
God, work a miracle today, will ya? [ Maude .]
Are you sure you can manage? [ Edith .]
I'm fine, maude, now.
Here, look, Archie.
Look who's up.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ Archie .]
Edith! Comin', Archie! - Mother! - Oh, I'll be with you in a minute, Gloria.
Your father wants some aspirin.
Edith, bring the kaopectate too, will ya? Hurry up! Oh! [ Mike .]
Ma, I need some nose drops! Right away, Mike! Nose drops.
- Mom? - In a minute, Gloria.
I'm doin' the best I can with the three of you sick this way.
[ Groans .]
[ Sneezes .]
Gloria! What are you doing up? You're supposed to be resting.
I know, mom, but you're so busy, and I want a cup of tea.
[ Archie .]
Edith, you dingbat! You brung me the milk of magnesia! I got 'em mixed up.
I'm sorry, Archie! That's all right, mom.
I'll get the tea.
No! I'll get the tea.
You go down and rest.
[ Archie .]
Edith, come on! I'll be with you in a second, Archie! [ Mike .]
Ma! She's in the kitchen! What? I can't hear you! I said, she's in the kitchen! Mike, God, you know how lousy I feel! Must you make me scream? What did you say? I need some orange juice, ma! [ Archie .]
Edith, come on! Here's your tea, dear.
Nice and hot.
Thank you, ma.
Edith, you got me walkin' a plank! The kaopectate! Coming, Archie! Don't forget the ginger ale to kill the taste of it! Oh, ginger ale.
[ Panting .]
Oh-oh, my.
Stop, ma.
Enough is enough.
Daddy, Michael, you two bundle up and come down here before ma falls on her face! Come on, ma.
You gotta sit down and rest.
Well, I'll be all right just as soon as I catch my breath.
Oh, my! It wasn't so bad the first two days When I wasn't so tired and you wasn't so sick.
Oh, ma, we just gotta send for cousin maude to come and help out, or you're gonna get sick too.
I phoned her, but your father sent her a telegram and told her not to come.
He won't have her around.
[ Coughing .]
Where's the kaopectate? Don't you wanna open the ginger ale first? There ain't no time for the ginger ale now.
Oh, geez! Edith, get the ginger ale now.
How could you mix up milk of magnesia with kaopectate, Edith? It's like mixing up prune juice with radiator sealant.
Get out of my chair, meathead! [ Groaning .]
Come on, Edith, with the ginger ale, huh? Here you are, Archie.
Daddy, this has gotta stop.
We're killing mom.
I don't know why you won't let cousin maude come and help out.
Oh, go blow your nose! We ain't lettin' that woman in this house, and that's the end of the discussion.
How could you hate her through all these years? Are you kidding? Archie's hatred's like a fine wine.
It mellows with age.
Why don't you go take a pill for yourself, huh? I need some vitamin "c.
" I'll get it, Michael.
You go sit down on the sofa next to Gloria.
You can share the blanket.
I'm not sittin' next to Gloria.
She's highly infectious! She's the one I caught this thing from in the first place.
Don't you blame that on me.
I warned you I was coming down with something.
Why'd you have to kiss me? 'Cause I liked you that day.
[ Coughing .]
Aw, cut that out, huh? You're spraying all your "infecterous" germs over on me.
Archie, if there's no personal contact, there's no danger of further infection.
That's with regular germs.
Them polack bugs of yours are too dumb to know the rules.
[ Coughing .]
Thanks, ma.
Here you are, Mike.
Ma? Ma, will you please get me the nose spray? Yes, dear.
And some orange juice, ma.
Wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it.
Stop runnin' around.
Get over here.
Now, we're all gonna be down here.
I'm gonna make up some rules here and regulations and "priorororities.
" And the first "priorority" is me, 'cause I'm the one that's really sick.
You're sick? My leg and my back muscles ache, and I'm nauseous all the time.
Oh, I feel for you, Gloria.
I really do.
But you have one of the lesser strains of the virus.
I have the big one! [ Exaggerated cough .]
I'm the one! I'm the guy! I'm the breadwinner here, all right? And I gotta get well.
Geez.
I gotta feed three human beings and a government mule.
Now, if the two of youse want anything, you'll just have to serve yourselves, that's all, 'cause Edith is gonna be waitin' on me.
I got a very delicate condition.
And keep the path clear between here and the bathroom at all times.
Daddy, I think it's high time we reconsidered cousin maude.
Well, you just forget that.
Oh, boy.
She's the only relative on the two sides of the family that'll come when you need her, and you won't have her around.
I don't see what on earth you've got against her.
Well, she's a big mouth buttinsky.
She was from the first day I met her.
Oh.
I remember that day.
[ Chuckles .]
Maude and me was sittin' in The puritan maid ice cream parlor, havin' their special.
It was called a steamboat.
Five flavors of ice cream, three different toppings-- whipped cream, marshmallow, butterscotch sauce-- all right, Edith! Cut it out, huh? Will you lay off that stuff? My belly's turnin' over here.
No, go on, ma.
I wanna know what happened.
Well, I'll tell it, and I'll save you some time.
Your mother and her cousin maude were sittin' in the puritan maid ice cream parlor, that's all.
I was in there with another guy, Rupert Pratt.
Talkin' about gettin' sick.
You should've seen Rupert Pratt Turn his eyelids inside out.
Well, anyway, I was in there, and I was just, uh, tryin' to get your mother's attention, that's all.
- How'd you do that, daddy? - He was so cute.
I'm tellin' the story, Edith.
I was tryin' to make your mother laugh.
'Cause that was my-- what do you call-- style in them days.
Oh, yeah.
You should've seen him.
First, he stuffed two straws up his nose like a walrus.
All right, Edith, eh? And then he made out like he was shot in the belly, and he put his head back like this and let chocolate syrup Drip out of the corner of his mouth.
Will you stifle yourself! Go on, ma.
Did he make you laugh? Oh, I'll say.
[ Chuckles .]
Finally, he got up and came over To where maude and me were sittin'.
And while he looked at me straight in the eye, your father squished his hand Right down into my steamboat.
Well, I had to laugh, 'cause there he was up to here in five flavors, three toppings-- marshmallow, whipped cream-- all right, Edith, huh? We all heard how you make a steamboat.
If you want to tell 'em something, why don't you tell 'em What your cousin maude, that gorgeous cousin maude of yours, said to me on that occasion.
Well, she said-- oh, Archie, you really want me to repeat it? Certainly.
Let the two of 'em know.
Let 'em know what a no-class person she really is.
Well, she said that She hadn't seen nothin' so disgustin' Since her kid brother heaved up his whole dinner at his confirmation.
There.
Hear that? Nice, huh? I pull off the funniest stunt in the whole history of the puritan maid ice cream parlor, and maude comes up with a revoltin' story about confirmation.
I hate that dame.
Well, she ain't too crazy about you neither.
Ever since that fight your father and maude had one Christmas, when she caught him drawin' horns and a moustache On a picture of president Roosevelt.
Cousin maude liked Roosevelt, huh, ma? Oh, yeah.
She was nuts about the guy.
Once, she ran 30 blocks up Broadway during a parade Just to catch up with his car and touch his hand.
Certainly.
She was a new deal fanatic.
Oh, boy, I'm feelin' lousier by the minute.
Aw, quit complainin', huh? Cut out the fakin' with that thermometer there.
Fakin', huh? Look at that inflammation! Get that ugly tongue away from me! Oh, yeah? Feel those swollen glands there.
Get out of here! I don't wanna feel no part of you.
Why? You're afraid you'll find out that I'm really sicker than you? You're sicker than me? Did you hear that, Edith? Yes! He said-- Edith, get me the other thermometer, right now.
We'll find out who's the sickest here.
Fine.
Yeah, all right.
Take that out and shake it down all the way.
All right.
You shake yours down.
This one's already shook down.
Now, stick that in your yap and clam up.
I'll time it.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi-- - what are you doin', ma? - I'm countin' 60 seconds.
That's they way they taught us in school.
Oh, my.
What Mississippi was I up to? [ Mumbling .]
You got to four Mississippi.
What did you say, Archie? Five Mississippi, six Mississippi-- oh, yeah.
Four Mississippi, five Mississippi-- you're going back! Ma, you lost count.
You're way behind.
I know.
I'll time it by "the minute waltz.
" - [ Humming .]
- Oh, will you shut up! Next time you wanna time somethin', Edith, just let the sand run out of your head.
That's it.
Time's up.
What've you got? Oh, no.
No, no.
I'm callin' you.
What do you got? Can you beat 99? Can I beat 99? I can beat 99 with points to spare.
What does that say, Edith? Mckesson and Roberts-- aw, give me that! Can I beat 99? What do you say to 99.
3? Read it and weep.
Let me see that.
All right.
There it is-- 101.
2.
Yeah, we found out who's really sick around here.
[ Chuckles .]
What am I happy about? I'm dying.
Gloria, get up.
Let me lie down on the couch.
Oh, no, you don't.
My temperature's 101.
And for two tenths of a point, you're not taking my couch.
Gloria, I am sick! Will you let me lie down on the couch? Aw, dummy up, the two of youse, will ya? Hypochondriac! Hypochondriac, huh? I got a 101.
2! That ain't hypochondriac! [ Doorbell ringing .]
Edith, the doorbell is ringing! [ Yelling continues .]
Edith, the doorbell-- ah, what's the use! [ Mike .]
That's it! I'm gettin' hotter! I'm gettin' worse! Shut up, all of ya! Shhhh! [ Arguing stops .]
There's a person at the door.
- Maude! - Edith! Wait a minute! Didn't you get my telegram telling you to stay the hell away from here? Of course I got your telegram Telling me to stay the hell away from here.
Edith, honey! You can rest easy now.
Maudie is here.
Aw, geez.
Okay, everybody.
Rise and shine.
Time to get up.
Lazy Mary, will you get up will you get up will you get up come on, everybody! Edith! Mike, Gloria, everybody, we're gonna have breakfast downstairs together.
The exercise'll do you good.
Good morning good morning you've slept the whole night through good morning good morning to you are you waiting for a special invitation? I said breakfast is on the table.
I heard ya.
So did every moose up in Canada.
Listen, Archie, I'm not going to let you upset me.
I'm only here because of Edith.
The fact that you happen to be here with her is beyond my control, like any other freak of nature.
Now, you can either come to the table and eat, or you can lie there and feed off your own fat.
And if you choose the latter, you could probably lie there for months.
I didn't sleep a whole wink here last night! It's daytime now, so get off the couch.
You'll be in the way.
What are you talkin' about? You're the one that put me on the couch.
You're the one that wouldn't let me sleep with my own wife up there in my own bed.
Your wife needs her rest.
Probably the first peaceful night's sleep she's had in 20 years.
Dear, sweet Edith.
I'd kill for that girl.
Geez, maude, you already buried two husbands.
Ain't that enough killin' for ya? It's only 8:00 in the morning, and already that foul mouth is open for business.
Fred died of a brain hemorrhage, and Bert died of a heart seizure.
And you know that very well, Archie bunker.
All I know, I seen the two of them Layin' up at the funeral parlor with big smiles on their faces.
Good morning, everybody.
Here's Edith.
Get up, Archie.
What for? Oh, look, you got everything ready.
That's right.
Sit there, Archie.
You know, Bert and Fred-- God rest their souls-- used to jump up and hold my chair for me.
[ Edith .]
It's a shame they both had to die so young.
It was all that jumpin' up, holdin' out chairs.
Watch it, Archie.
[ Blows raspberry .]
You're common.
Here, sweetheart.
You drink your juice, and I'm gonna make you a nice hot breakfast.
Oh, my! I feel so rested.
I bet that's the first good night's sleep I've had in 20 years.
How do you feel, Archie? How would you feel if you was woke up by a singin' storm trooper? But she's such a big help, [ Groans .]
And she means well.
Don't walk so close to me, will ya? You're breathin' on me.
Then walk faster, 'cause I'm hungry.
Well, how do you two feel this morning? Well, my temperature's down to 100, but my throat still feels bad.
My eyes are clearin' up, but my nasal passage-- who cares, Michael? Who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long So that he could gargle and take his pills And wheeze over his inhaler for ten minutes.
You know something, Michael? When you're sick, you're sick! Good morning, children.
Here, sweetheart.
I made you a lovely breakfast-- bacon and eggs, toast and potatoes.
Thank you.
And for you, I made delicious custard.
Oh, thank you.
Good for the tum-tum.
And this is for you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Custard for them? What the hell do you call this? It's my own invention-- cream of wheat with cheese.
Cream of wheat with cheese? It's light, but it binds.
This here looks like somethin' I ate and lost.
Oh, daddy, don't be so crude.
[ Maude .]
Crude? He was always crude.
I remember when he and Edith were courting, they used to love to go to the movies.
With a screen full of Leslie Howards, Spencer Tracys and Clark gables, he took her to see Buster crabbe.
Damn right.
A hell of an actor.
You never knew what was any good, maude.
You was always wrong about everything.
The luckiest day in Edith's life was the day I took her away from you And your whole family of dreamy-eyed screwballs.
You're not stopping at me.
Now you're attacking the whole family.
And after that wedding, those presents we gave you! Presents? What presents? All I remember Edith bringing with her was a waffle iron, a raincoat that leaked, four cavities and a compacted wisdom tooth.
Presents.
[ Mock laughter .]
Just get out of my way! Get out of my way! Cream of wheat and cheese, huh? Wrong again, maude! Don't mind him, maude.
He ain't himself today.
He wasn't so great yesterday either.
Well, what can you expect from a man who used to laugh out loud at ish kabibble? What's ish kabibble? He was a person.
He played in kay kyser's band.
The college of musical knowledge.
- Was he funny? - Like a migraine.
But every time kay kyser said, "and here's ish kabibble," your father laughed.
Now, come on, everybody.
Let's all go into the living room.
Leave the dishes.
I'll clean them up later.
Come on, sweetheart.
Now, you sit over here, Edith.
Make yourself comfortable, honey.
I want you to get all the rest you need.
Don't worry about me, maude.
You know, this is the first time I've been off my feet today.
It really feels good.
Maude, maybe you'd better not sit in that chair.
Why not? This old chair is just perfect for me.
- You see, Archie-- - Archie, Archie.
Oh, Edith, when I think of the hundreds of men you could have married.
Who? Well, there was, uh-- there was Bruce pellet, for one.
He liked you a lot, Edith.
Bruce pellet.
Bruce-- oh, I remember him.
He was always pickin' at himself like his underwear was too tight.
And then one day, we didn't notice it no more.
Oh, you mean he stopped? No, he moved out of the neighborhood.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're in my chair, maude.
So? I wanna sit in my chair.
- Oh? - You gonna get out of my chair? No! Now, maude, if you don't get out of that chair, I got a way to make you very, very upset.
- Archie, please.
- Stay out of this now, Edith.
Come on, maude.
Last chance.
You gonna get out of there? Get lost.
Ho, ho, ho.
Well, I got the secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away.
Here we go.
This country was ruined By Franklin delano Roosevelt! You're fat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Franklin delano Roosevelt-- you promised never to say that name again in front of maude.
Franklin delano Roosevelt! He don't mean nothin'.
His whole family was for Roosevelt.
That was for two terms, but that was it! We didn't know the guy was gonna hang on to the job like a pope! He hung on To save the country.
The people adored him.
He was a Saint.
That man had charisma.
I don't care if he was sick.
He always had his big mouth open at them fireside chats.
Those fireside chats kept this country informed.
And one "my friends" from Roosevelt Was worth a barrel full of "let me make this perfectly clears.
" Ohh! Now you're rappin' my president, huh? Well, let me tell you one thing about Richard e.
Nixon.
He knows how to keep his wife pat home.
Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor.
She was always out on the loose, runnin' around with the coloreds, tellin' 'em they was gettin' the short end of the stick.
She was the one that discovered the coloreds in this country.
We never knew they was there.
And we've been havin' nothin' but trouble with them ever since! It was a question of civil rights or civil war.
We got civil war, maude! We got riots in the streets! Because of poverty and unemployment.
No! Because of Franklin delano Roosevelt, the first creepin' socialist.
He brought the country back from the depression.
And dumped us right into the middle of world war ii.
Which he won as our commander in chief.
No! That's a lie! General macarthur won that war.
And Roosevelt fired him for it.
That was Truman.
Under secret sealed orders from f.
D.
R.
Oh, come on! That's a fact, maude! Just like that other fact-- that he sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.
They met at yalta.
He sold us out there too! He handed all of Europe over to the russkies on a silver platter.
I don't wanna argue with you no more, maude! And I got my chair back! You know, Archie, I think I liked you better When you were shoving straws up your nose.
I'm leaving this house! Maude! Let her go! I got my chair back.
Archie, you can have your chair.
Only don't move around too much.
You'll crush your brains.
Maude-- don't say nothin' to her! Let her go, Edith! I don't want her around-- what's the matter with you? Oh, my.
What's wrong, honey? Archie, when you first got sick, where did it hit you? Oh, geez, you know where it hit me.
Mike, where did you feel it? It was my head.
I got dizzy.
- You, Gloria? - Suddenly, I felt nauseous and I started throwing up.
That's the one! Wait a minute! Edith! Where are you going? Edith, what's the matter with you? I'm sick! Edith, you can't be sick! What's gonna happen to us? Who the hell's gonna take care of us? Maudie's here.
Aw, geez.
In sickness and in health.
Oh, boy.
What are youse tryin' to do, give your germs a new lease on life? Come on, daddy.
Don't be so grumpy.
You should be happy we're feeling better.
How can I be happy With that woman up there? Hangin' around my neck like an albatross.
Archie, you have to have patience.
That's the way it is with the flu.
Sometimes it lasts a couple of days, sometimes you can be sick for a week.
God, work a miracle today, will ya? [ Maude .]
Are you sure you can manage? [ Edith .]
I'm fine, maude, now.
Here, look, Archie.
Look who's up.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.