All In The Family s02e15 Episode Script

Edith's Problem

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days hey, arch, look at this weather you're gonna have.
Orlando, Florida-- high of 84 degrees.
Ah, beautiful.
Hey, maybe you and ma ought to take bathing suits.
Nah, we ain't going down to Florida to swim.
We're going to go down there to see Disney world.
And, boy, that's gonna be something to see.
I'm reading here it cost them over 400 million bucks to build.
You realize what that comes to in dollars and cents? Hey, I bet ma was excited when you told her about it.
Oh, hey.
Excited ain't the word.
Boy, I-- but you know, a funny thing happened.
I come in and I said, "Edith, the lodge is springin' For a special charter flight down there for the weekend, you know.
" So she starts jumpin' up and down laughing.
And then I think it was about the third jump, she come down crying.
- That's strange.
- That's screwy, even for your mother.
Edith, come out of the kitchen.
I wanna show you something in the magazine here.
She's not here, daddy.
She ran down to the market.
Aw, gee.
I hope she don't get hung up in them sales down there.
She's a sucker for specials.
That's why we got 15 pounds of nuts in the closet.
We ain't even got a monkey.
I eat those nuts.
Well, you ain't long out of the trees anyway.
Hey, Edith.
There you are.
- Gee, we're waiting here.
We're starving.
- Don't rush me, Archie bunker.
You'll get your dinner on time.
You always get dinner on time.
And don't you forget that neither.
Ma, let me help you with those bags.
Leave me alone.
What's the matter with ma? I was gonna ask you.
Get out of the way, Gloria.
Hey, Edith, there.
Is, uh, something the matter with you? No.
Well, I just wanna know if you're all right.
Don't argue with me.
Edith, I ain't arguin'.
I just-- if you're asking for a fight, you're gonna get one.
Is something wrong? Oh, leave me alone, damn it! Did she really say that? If I didn't hear that with my own ears, I wouldn't believe it.
[ Clattering .]
Listen to that.
She never wallops the pots that way.
Gee, I don't know what to expect from her next.
You know, last night I'm sleeping there in bed there peaceful like a baby, and suddenly I get the feeling that somebody's watching me.
So I open up my eyes and there she is sitting there staring at me.
I says, "Edith, why are you watching me?" She says, "what else is there to watch? Johnny Carson's off.
" I wonder what's got her so upset.
Oh, my.
It's so nice to be home.
Hey, Edith, you ain't mad at nothing? Mad? What would I be mad about? Here's your beer.
Ma, you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? Well, I just, uh, you know, I want you to be all set For the three-day excursion down to Florida, that's all.
Oh, I'm all set.
I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah, that's swell.
Look, sit down in your chair 'Cause I wanna show you something in the magazine I found there.
Uh, there's a whole article in here, Edith, on Disney world here.
Oh, look at this.
Here's the first page, see? Mickey mouse leading the grand parade, huh? Ain't that cute? [ Chuckles .]
You know, it never occurred to me before.
Mickey mouse is black.
Aw, get out of here with that stuff, huh? Mickey mouse ain't got no race.
He stands for all men.
That's why Walt made him a mouse.
Listen, don't be puttin' down Walt Disney.
I'm gonna tell you something.
There's a guy named Billy hartfeld that works with me down at the plant.
This is a guy that's been all over the world.
He's traveled everywhere, seen and done everything.
He's got tattoos to prove it.
And when a guy like Billy hartfeld tells me he wants to go to Disney world to die-- on this trip? No, Edith.
Not on this trip.
Oh, good.
He's gonna give me a couple of them, you know, bright, flowery shirts he's got to wear outside the pants So I won't look like a tourist down there.
Oh, my, it's hot in here.
Open the window, will you, Mike? - It is open, ma.
- It is? Why am I throwing away money on heat when you got the windows open? Close it.
I want it open! Edith, I want it closed.
It's my home too.
All right.
We both own the house.
We both own the furniture.
We both own the window, half and half.
I want my half closed.
Now stifle yourself, will you.
Oh, that's a terrible thing to say.
What is, "stifle"? Yeah, how can you say that to me? I've been saying that to you for years, Edith.
Now, will you stifle.
There, you said it again.
[ Sobbing .]
What the hell do you call this? Daddy, I think you hurt her feelings.
After 23 years of stifles, the dingbat turns on me.
Daddy, I think you better do something.
Yeah, I think so too.
And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna step outside and get myself a breath of fresh air.
And when your mother gets back to normal out there, just holler for me down the street.
Well, then why don't you stop by the mcnabs and pick up the suitcases you're borrowing.
- Good idea.
- Michael, you go with him.
Why? 'Cause I gotta have a talk with ma, okay? All right.
Wait up, arch.
I'm in the mood for love simply because you're near me funny but when where are you two going? I'm gonna step over to mcnab's and pick up the suitcases we're gonna borrow there.
No, don't worry about dinner.
Just keep it warm there for a few minutes, huh? Geez.
Your father is acting so strange lately.
No, ma.
It isn't daddy.
Come on over here for a minute.
I wanna have a talk with you.
I wanna show you a magazine I've been reading.
And there's an article in it that I think applies to you.
Here it is, ma.
Look here.
It explains why you've been having those hot and cold spells lately.
It does? Yeah, look at the article.
Ma, have you been more forgetful than usual? Forgetful? I don't know.
Let me think.
Gloria, what did you just ask me? Ma, I think I know what's the matter.
It's the change.
You mean spring is coming? No, ma.
Not the seasons.
I'm talking about life.
Don't you see? The forgetfulness, the hot flashes.
It's the change of life.
Oh, my.
At my age? Oh, no.
I ain't supposed to change yet, am I? Ma, it says in the article it can start anytime after 40.
And when it does, it can turn you into an old woman.
Oh, no, ma.
That doesn't happen nowadays.
It's a natural, beautiful time of life.
Beautiful? Well, it don't feel very beautiful.
I feel like I'm jumpin' in and out of a hot bath And somebody's twisting a rubber band around my head.
Oh, ma, there's nothing to worry about.
Look, it says right here.
"Nowadays, with simple hormone treatment, there are no unpleasant manifestations.
" Well, my aunt Elizabeth went through this And she didn't get manifestations, she got a mustache.
Ma, here.
You better read this article.
It's written by a very important doctor, and he knows everything about it.
He don't know your father.
When Archie hears about this, he ain't gonna love me no more.
Oh, ma, of course he will.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Imagine, you having to tell me what's wrong.
When I was a young girl, I didn't know what every young girl should know.
Now I'm gonna be an old lady, and I don't know what every old lady should know.
Oh, ma, you're not old.
Open the door, big meathead.
It's your father.
Don't you say a word to him about this.
I ain't gonna let him see me getting upset.
Take it easy.
Hello, Archie.
Oh, hi, Edith.
Yeah, I'm back with the bags.
I just got these from mcnab.
Ain't they beauties? But they're black! Black is for funerals, not for vacations! I can't lay out cash for new suitcases.
We gotta save all our money for Disney world, huh? Edith, Edith, look.
Mcnab got this other brochure.
Another Disney brochure I wanna show you.
Sit down in the chair, huh? This has got pictures of the most beautiful things in here.
Wait till I show you this.
One of them in here, an all-bear band.
A naked band at Disney world? No, no, no.
You know, bears.
Like brown bears, grizzly bears, them.
Oh, I hate bears.
Yeah, but they ain't real bears, Edith.
I hate all bears.
Take it away.
I'm just trying to show you something here.
Stifle! - What did you say to me? - I said, "stifle.
" Pinch me, will you? I told you to stifle! [ Sobs .]
Ma, are you all right? Leave me alone.
Nobody's doing nothing to you.
You listen to me.
All of you, listen to me.
Well, stop looking at me.
I said stifle and I mean stifle.
Stifle, stifle, stifle! We're not going to Disney world, or any other world! We're not going anyplace! [ Sobbing .]
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, uh, miss.
Cream for the coffee, eh? Look, I only got two hands.
You'd think I ordered a four-course dinner from her, the dope.
Gee, daddy.
You're really on edge, aren't you? Well, why wouldn't I be? Why'd you have to drag me down here To this fancy doctor of your mother, the "groinecologist" guy? Gynecologist, daddy.
Oh, all right.
I had to sit up there in that waiting room with all them women Gawking at me, gawking at you.
Who knows what they were thinking.
Holy cow.
I know you didn't wanna go, daddy.
But it's important that you understand about this time of ma's life.
I ain't understood no time of your mother's life.
Hey, miss, cream for the coffee here.
It's coming.
I ain't seen a good waitress since the depression.
You know something? I haven't been out for an ice cream with you since I was a kid.
Remember when you used to take me out all the time? Certainly, I do.
Remember the game you used to play where you'd steal the cherry off the top? You was wise to me stealing all them cherries? Oh, sure, I was.
You know what I used to do? I used to give them a couple of quick licks first And then put them back on before I let you steal them.
[ Laughing .]
You done that, huh? Hey, daddy.
Ma's all right, isn't she? The doctor didn't say there was anything wrong except that she's going through menopause? Shush.
Here's your cream.
Yeah, well, the coffee's cold now.
It was hot when I brought it.
"Hot when I brought it.
" Why do you have to talk so loud there about your mother's interior problems? Sorry.
Can't you keep your voice down? You're just gonna have to be patient and extra nice to her for the next couple of weeks.
Ain't I always? Thank you.
Would you believe that there ain't nothing in there? This dame is as off the rails as your mother.
No, I can't talk about it with you, Mike.
It's hard enough talking about it to Gloria.
But, ma, Gloria explained the whole thing to me.
[ Gasps .]
She did? Sure.
About the hot flashes and the forgetfulness.
Ma, you don't have to be embarrassed by it.
I mean, it's a completely natural thing.
You should be excited.
Excited? Sure.
You're starting the best years of your life.
I feel like I'm starting out to the old folks' home.
And that's probably what that doctor is telling Archie right now.
Oh, ma, come on.
Don't be silly.
This can be a beginning for you.
You and Archie, you're secure.
You've got your health.
And you've got each other.
I hope we still got each other.
Oh, ma.
Hey, sure you do.
Hey, you got Gloria and me.
And someday you'll have grandchildren to look forward to.
Oh, Mike, that's nice.
But that would make me a grandmother.
Oh, hiya there, meathead.
Hi, Michael.
- Where's your mother-in-law? - Oh, she's upstairs.
I better go see how she is.
I hope she's laying down up there.
I need the rest.
What did the doctor say? He just said that the menopause is a tough time to be going through Especially for nervous types.
So? So he prescribed these here pills.
Oh, good.
I gotta take three of them a day.
What about ma? Ah, she'll be all right.
Some other pills here for her too.
These are these hormones, which by the way, hormones are pretty hot stuff, you know.
They do a kind of-- what you call-- realignment job there on the glands.
Of course your mother-in-law's glands, they don't know which way they're going.
And neither does she.
- But she's all right? - She's all right.
But for the next couple of weeks You can't expect to see the regular dingbat flying around here.
Till these here pills take effect, you're gonna be looking at super-dingbat.
What else did the doctor say? Aw, he said enough and too much.
Telling me I gotta be patient with her.
Gotta be kind to her all the time.
Agree with her with everything.
Nice all the time.
This change of life is a lousy thing, you know.
A man ain't got no say in it at all.
I hope we didn't overdo it, Gloria.
No, ma, not at all.
Hey, ma, you look terrific.
He noticed.
Hey, daddy.
Come on out here.
What did you do? Gloria put some false eyelashes on me.
Hey, they look nice.
I hope Archie likes them.
Oh, hiya there, Edith.
You feel any better? You notice something different about me, Archie? Uh, what did you have in mind? Look at my eyes.
Oh, yeah.
The eyes.
Uh, they look terrific, Edith.
You don't like them.
Wait a minute.
I didn't say that.
I do like them on you there, Edith.
They make you look younger.
Archie, what are you doing? Let me alone.
I'm following the doctor's orders here.
Edith, when I was down there at the drugstore getting the pills, I picked up a little present for you here.
A present for me? Oh, Archie.
Well, all right.
All right, Edith.
It ain't exactly the pope diamond, you know.
Go ahead.
Open it up yourself.
What's it for? Well, that's for your condition, Edith, you know.
When you get the hot flushes.
Let me show you.
See, there's a little switch here.
And you just turn it on like that.
No, don't be scared of it.
Don't be scared of it.
No, that's your own individualistic, private-- what do you call-- cooler, see? Go ahead.
Shine it on yourself.
Ain't that nice? Thank you, Archie.
Don't mention it, Edith.
Oh, I better fill out the guarantee card.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me do that for you, Edith, sweetheart.
But I like to fill them out.
Oh, you do? Well, go ahead then.
Fill it out, Edith, by all means.
You do that good there.
Go ahead.
Where the hell is the sports section of this paper, huh? Oh.
I used it to line the garbage pail.
The garbage pail? Oh, you done that, have you? That's all right, Edith.
That's a good thing.
Gloria, will you help me set the table? Sure, ma.
This here is murder.
All right, arch.
Remember what the doctor said.
All right.
All right.
Hey, uh, Edith.
You know, the meathead and me, we've been droolin' all day Waiting for that beautiful pot roast of yours.
Well, we're not gonna have pot roast.
I put it in the oven too early and it burned up.
That's okay, Edith.
That's okay.
Pot roast, no loss.
What else you giving us? I'm warming up yesterday's soup.
Yesterday's soup is delicious.
[ Wailing, sobbing .]
Oh, ma.
I can't go on with this no longer.
All right.
All right.
Take it easy, arch.
Ma's going through a tough time.
That's all.
Thank God the doctor gave me these pills.
You see? He don't love me no more.
He thinks I'm old.
No, he doesn't, ma.
He's just being nice.
Nice? You heard what he said.
Everything is terrific, Edith.
He don't mind the pot roast burning up.
He don't mind the sports section in the garbage pail.
He ain't talking to me.
He's talking to some old lady.
How long is this gonna take? Look, there's nothing on the table.
I'm so hungry, my belly feels my throat's been cut.
Arch, look.
Just sit down.
Sit down and take it easy.
All right? All right.
All right.
Okay, everybody.
Soup's on.
Keep up the good work, daddy.
I know you're trying.
All right.
Let's just eat, huh? Geez.
Is the soup all right? It's a-1, "a" okay, perfectly delicious here.
There, you see? Ma, just eat your soup.
Is it getting lighter in here? Oh, ma.
It's 'cause your eyelashes fell off.
I must have dropped them in the kitchen.
No, no, no.
Stay where you are, Edith.
Stay where you are.
Here they are, Edith.
Oh, Archie.
I'm sorry.
That's okay, Edith.
They wasn't in the place where I was eatin' at.
Archie, don't you suppose it's time we had a talk? Why, sure, Edith.
You wanna talk? Let's talk.
Good, good.
What'll we talk about? Why don't you two talk about the wonderful weekend you're going away on? Yeah, I wanna talk about where we're going.
Yeah, well, that's fine, Edith.
If you wanna talk about Florida, let's talk about Florida.
And by the way, we ain't confirmed we're going there yet.
No, no, no.
Not Florida.
I wanna go to Scranton.
Scranton? Edith, uh, what is in Scranton? - My cousin Emily.
- Your cousin Emily? You hate Emily.
No, no, no.
I don't, Edith.
I don't hate Emily.
I never said that.
I never said that at all.
I like her.
And I like her little home in Scranton there.
And them four cute teenagers.
Dick, her husband, is a real nice guy.
I can't say that I-- I can't-- I can't-- I can't go on with this.
That's one thing I can't do.
I don't believe a word of anything I'm saying around here.
This ain't natural.
No, I don't like her and I don't like her husband.
He's a bum and he always was.
And she's a crack and she always was.
And I hate their four rotten kids.
The only way you're gonna get me to go to Scranton Is if some screwball hijacks the airplane.
I know all about your woman's troubles there, Edith.
But when I had the hernia that time, I didn't make you wear the truss.
- Come on, Archie.
- Daddy.
- No, no, no.
If you're gonna have a change of life, you gotta do it right now.
I'm gonna give you just 30 seconds.
Now, come on, change.
Can I finish my soup first? The soup is lousy.
Forget it.
Get on the phone and call the lodge And confirm that the bunkers is going down to Florida as "pre-deranged.
" Yeah, Archie.
Right away, Archie.
Hop on it, Edith.
He don't think I'm old.
He loves me.
And that is that of your fancy doctor telling me to be agreeing with her, to be kind, to be patient, to be a jerk! I showed the two of youse here how to handle a change of life.
And you better remember it, meathead.
Now everything is back to normal around here.
Edith? Are you getting that phone number? No! I don't wanna go to Florida.
I don't wanna go anywhere.
And if you wanna make a phone call, you make it yourself.
Well Back to the "groinecologist.
" [ Archie .]
Guess who's home.
Oh, Michael, it's ma and daddy! They're home! [ Chuckling .]
[ Yelling .]
Here we are.
That looks great.
Oh, daddy.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.