All In The Family s04e03 Episode Script
Edith Finds an Old Man
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Come on in, Mr.
, uh Uh, Quigley.
Oh, Mr.
Quigley.
Yes.
Now, don't feel nervous about being in a strange place.
Oh, I can't wait for you to meet my family.
Put your suitcase down.
And give me your coat.
Oh, that'll be all right.
Oh, no, you don't want to get overheated and catch cold.
Well, all right.
What nice pajamas.
Would you believe they're 11 years old? My daughter gave them to me on my 71st birthday.
Eleven years.
That makes you Old.
Oh, my! You look younger than 82.
You should see me after I slap on the old aftershave lotion and the alcohol tightens everything up.
Ooh.
Now, you come right over here.
There's the phone.
You make your call while I put these groceries in the kitchen.
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWN STAIRS.]
Who, uh? My daughter.
I'm calling her up.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Mike.
I see you met Mr.
Quigley.
Yeah, almost.
Mr.
Quigley, this is my son-in-law, Mike.
Oh, hi, sonny.
Hi.
Let me tell you something about daughters.
You can lead them to water, but you can't make them pick up the phone when they ain't home.
Why don't you sit down over here while you wait, and you can call her later.
Oh, she don't want to hear from me anyway.
Oh, I'm sure you're wrong.
Now, you sit there, and I'll get you a nice cup of coffee.
Uh, yeah, I'll help you, Ma.
[SIGHS.]
Michael! He's in the kitchen.
Anybody ever tell you you're cute? Yes, but Mike your husband? Oh, yes, but-- Let me tell you something about men.
A lot of them do pretty well with the women.
But the iceman always has his pick.
[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Ma! She's in the kitchen too.
Thank you.
Ma! Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Who's that man out in the living room? Gloria, I'm getting the story right now.
Michael, there's a strange-- I'll tell you all I know so far.
His name is Quigley.
Ma found him walking around in his pajamas.
He was gonna take a nap.
Michael, that doesn't make any sense.
It does if you talk to Ma.
Ma, what was that old man doing wearing his pajamas in the street? Walking up and down.
See, doesn't that make sense? Ma? See, when he sneaked away from the old folks' home, he made believe he was taking a nap so they wouldn't notice he was running away.
But-- Ma! Then how did you meet him? Through the window at Ferguson's Market.
You can see through the window at Ferguson's Market.
But, Ma, what--? Well, you see, the woman in front of me on the checkout line was arguing that her 7-cent coupon from yesterday's paper was still good today because she was busy with the children yesterday and she didn't get a chance to read the paper, it turns out.
She turned to me, and she says, "Don't you think I should have 7 cents off?" And I just smiled and looked out the window and then I saw Mr.
Quigley pass by.
I don't know why you can't follow a simple story.
Ma, is that the whole story? No! When I finally got out of the market, there was Mr.
Quigley again, looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help.
Oh, so you invited him to stay here.
Yeah, until he gets in touch with his daughter.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Quigley, your coffee's ready.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I had a wife once.
She'd never open her mouth till after that first cup of coffee.
And you know what I used to do? No, what? I used to hide the coffee on her.
Hey, Edith.
Edith! Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're home! Ohh, what a lousy day I had.
I got something to tell you.
I'm talking, Edith.
Didn't you hear me? I said, "Oh, what a lousy day I had.
" I wanna tell you, I'm just wore out.
You know, I ain't as young as I used to be.
Oh, yeah, I know.
What do you mean, you know? You ain't supposed to agree with that.
I'm sorry, Archie.
Can I tell you my surprise now? You know, I think I can guess.
Oh, you mean like Twenty Questions? I think I could do it in three.
Is it littler than a breadbox? No.
Is it bigger than a breadbox? Yes.
Then it can only be one thing.
An old man in pajamas munching on a cookie.
Archie! How did you know that? He's standing over there! Oh! I'll bet you knew it all the time.
Mr.
Quigley, this is my husband, Archie.
Hi, sonny.
Glad to know you there, pop.
Uh, Edith Get over here.
Excuse me.
Why don't you sit down? What did you do, bring an old man home to take a nap? Oh, no, Archie.
I brought him in so he could make a phone call.
You see, he called his daughter so she could come and pick him up, but she wasn't home, so he's gonna call her later on.
I don't follow you, Edith.
You take some man out of bed to bring him to my house to call his daughter? No, you see, it all started-- Edith, all right.
All right.
All right, Edith, I'll find out myself.
I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
Uh, excuse me there, pop.
Uh, you mind if I ask you something? No, shoot.
Uh, how come you're all dressed for beddy-byes? Well, at my age you never know when a nap's gonna come over you.
To tell you the truth, I was wearing these when I broke out.
When you broke out? Mr.
Quigley ran away from an old folks' retirement home.
Why did you do that? You ever been in an old folks' home? Yeah, I used to visit my Uncle Roy in one of them.
It was pretty soft there.
He had three squares a day, all the television he wanted, bingo every Tuesday.
Suppose you don't want to play bingo every Tuesday.
You mean, they force you to play bingo? Will you shut up? They force you to play bingo? Of course not.
Well, what's the matter with the home? You see that wart? The wart? Yeah.
You know what it's good for? No.
Nothing.
And that's how you feel when you're in an old folks' home.
Good-for-nothing and useless.
Well, now, listen.
I mean, if you don't like the home After all, it's a free country.
Why don't you just leave and get a place of your own? You ever try finding an apartment when all you got to live on is 180 bucks a month Social Security? You'll see.
How long have you got before you'll be 65? Oh, I got plenty of time there.
I ain't been thinking about that.
Why don't you make your phone call? Ma, this cash register slip can't be right.
You spent over $27 on two little bags of groceries? Yeah, that's right.
Oh, no, that cash register must have been on the blink.
Let me check it for you.
That's right.
$27.
52.
Oh, come on there.
Nobody can add up a list that fast.
Let me see the tape here.
I'll tell you what this is here.
Check into that, Meathead.
What are you so surprised about, Daddy? There are plenty of people who can add fast.
All right, but not at his age.
I mean, at this age, yeah, your head don't click like that.
What about Sam Ervin? His head's clicking pretty good.
That ain't his head.
It's only his eyebrows.
He's right, Arch.
It checks out.
Ain't that wonderful? Well, if you're so good at figures how come you ain't still working? It wasn't my fault.
I guess they figured that an old man would make the office kind of look run-down.
Yep, they got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer.
Now they got us living longer, they don't know what to do with us.
You wait and see.
Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
Uh, do you know your daughter's phone number? Sure.
Five-five-five seven-two-four-three.
Five-five-five seven-two-four-three.
Well, I think we can get you out of here faster if I call, because I can talk faster than you.
If she knew it was me calling, she wouldn't even pick up the phone.
Oh, I can't believe that.
I mean, any daughter would be glad to know where her father is.
I mean, after-- Oh, shush.
Hello.
You don't know me, but my name is Archie Bunker, and I got good news for you.
I got your father here with me.
No, no, no, no, this ain't the home.
No, he crashed out of there.
No, no.
No, no.
He don't want to go back there, see? I don't know why.
It's got something to do with warts.
Well, I tell you what.
I live at 704 Hauser Street in Queens, and if you start right over here, you can get him out of here before we sit down to eat.
Wait a minute there.
Are you sure you gave me the right number here? Because this don't sound like your daughter.
Did she tell you to go to hell? Yeah.
That's my daughter.
Ahh! Mrs.
Bunker, a lunch like this on top of that breakfast this morning and that wonderful night's sleep, you're just going to spoil me.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Mr.
Quigley.
Oh, no more coffee, please.
I'm taking this up to Archie.
He's sleeping late this morning.
Now, don't you forget to call your friend Joe.
Ah! No, no.
No! I wasn't-- No.
Uh! Oh, no! No! No! No! Get away from me! Get away from me! Arggh! Ohh, Edith.
What time is it? It's 12:00.
Twelve o'clock? Half the day is gone.
Why didn't you wake me up? It's your day off, Archie.
You needed your rest.
But, Edith, I was having a nightmare here.
Don't ever let me sleep when I'm having a nightmare.
I'm sorry, Archie.
What did you dream? Oh, jeez, Edith, it was awful.
I was out all alone someplace in the cold, you know? Only in my pajamas.
And it's snowing, see, and I'm freezing cold.
And I'm stumbling along tripping over my beard.
What beard? In the dream I got a long white beard, see? And I'm going along there and I'm stumbling over it and I'm-- I'm looking for Mike and Gloria's house.
You mean Mike and Gloria moved into their own house? Yeah.
That was the only good part of the dream.
So I'm going through this strange neighborhood, you know, and I'm looking for their house, but I can't find the address because all the street signs are in Polish.
But then, all of a sudden I heard the sound of somebody eating.
I said, "That must be the meathead's house.
" So I followed the munching-and-crunching noise right up to the door, see, and I knock on the door and Gloria comes out.
She says, "Get away from here, old man.
Go on, get out of here.
" And she stands there laughing at me.
Oh, Gloria would never do a thing like that.
Don't tell me she wouldn't do it.
I seen it with my own eyes.
And she's laughing at me there, and all of a sudden out pop two little kids, see.
What kids? Their kids, our grandchildren, see.
Aww.
Yeah.
Two little twin Meatheads about 6 years of age.
And both of them have got long hair and mustaches.
You know what they done to me? They grabbed me by my white beard and kicked my ankles.
Poor Archie.
What did you do? Oh, I hollered out to Gloria for help there, but all she done was laugh and say, "Get out of here.
" And she went and made a phone call.
The next thing you know, these two big guys showed up, see, all dressed in white.
And then they threw a net over me and dragged me into this old building, see.
And I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm tired.
All I want to do is sleep.
They wouldn't let me sleep.
They kept me up all night playing bingo.
Did you win? I couldn't win.
They gave me a card with no numbers on it.
Oh, my! Now, why would I dream an awful dream like that? Maybe it had something to do with Mr.
Quigley.
Quigley! That's right.
Because he slept under the same roof with me.
Because you and the kids conned me into letting him stay here overnight.
Well, it's overnight right now, and I want him out.
Oh, but, Archie, maybe he will, very soon.
Yeah? Why? Well, because he told me he had an old friend named Joe he could share an apartment with.
When is he gonna come and get him? Oh, I don't know.
You see, Mr.
Quigley had a fight with his friend, and he didn't want to call.
Oh, jeez.
But something I said to him must have made him change his mind and call Joe.
Oh, yeah? What did you say? I said, "Why don't you call Joe?" So, Mr.
Quigley, is everything set between you and Joe? Well, if it ain't, I'll just go back to the home.
I thought you said you'd never go back there again.
Yeah, I did.
But you know the old proverb.
"A bird in the hand--" Oh, yeah.
"Can get you awful dirty.
" Just passing through, everybody.
I got to get Archie his breakfast.
What did you do for fun when you were 21? A lot of things I can't do now.
Yeah, but what I liked to do most was to go dancing.
Oh, really? What kind of dancing did you do way back then? I'll show you.
Oh.
Now, here we go.
Everybody's doin' it Doin' it, doin' it Everybody's doin' it Doing what? Turkey trot See that ragtime Couple over there Watch them throw Their shoulders in the air He's a bear He's a bear He's a bear Hey! Quigley, what about the phone call? It's all set.
Joe's coming to pick me up.
Oh, good.
When? Could be any minute.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Or it could be a few days.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Joe's bright, smart as a whip.
But sometimes Joe kind of forgets.
Joe forgets? Edith! Edith! In here! Edith, listen.
From what I just heard out there, this guy Joe may never get here unless he stops first to take a memory course.
I don't understand.
Why can't Mr.
Quigley stay for a couple of days? Because I already got one freeloader with me and bread's up I know what to do.
I'll call the home.
Oh, no, Archie, don't do that.
He'll be out of here pretty soon, and it don't hurt us that much to take care of him for a couple of days.
Edith, that ain't our job.
Let the government take care of him.
But that's just it, Arch.
The government's not taking care of him.
What are you talking about? You heard yourself, the guy's got Social Security.
Sure, 180 bucks a month.
Meanwhile, the official poverty level is 205 a month.
Don't you see, Arch? The government is just helping old people to starve slower.
Well, maybe when you start working and paying taxes, the government can do better.
Arch, guys like Quigley can barely make ends meet when they're healthy.
What happens when he gets sick? Don't be stupid! Ain't you never heard of Medicure? It's Medicare.
And I saw a documentary about it on television.
The way it works out, it only pays for 42 percent.
The rest comes out of the old people's pockets.
Can't you see by my face that I don't want to talk about it no more? Well, I want to talk about it, Arch! Maybe we should.
It won't be long before we'll be in our golden years.
"Golden years"! I hate golden years.
Don't talk about that no more.
And don't be listening to this meatheaded pinko over here.
The president's gonna take care of people like you and me.
Didn't he push up the Social Security five percent? While groceries went up Oh, what do you care? That's just another 20 percent you're eating free.
Get away from me.
Oh, Archie, don't-- Get away from me.
Come on, it's just gonna be a couple of days.
Would the two of youse get off of my back? Uh, say, Mr.
Quigley, there, I really got to tell you something-- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh! Could that be your friend Joe? I'll bet it is.
I'll answer it.
I'll answer it.
I always answer the door to people who are welcome in this house.
And your friend Joe's welcome here.
Hello.
Uh, who are you? I'm Jo.
Jo, you look prettier than ever.
Oh, and you look younger than ever.
I can lie just as good as you can.
Hey, Quigley, you mean to tell me this is the Jo you're planning on sharing the apartment with? Yep.
Josephine.
Jo, meet my friends, the Bunkers.
How do you do? And this is Mrs.
Bunker, who rescued me.
Oh, well, I'm so happy to know you.
Oh, me too.
Archie, ain't they a lovely couple? How do you mean "couple"? They ain't married, Edith.
Unless-- Are you? No, and we ain't gonna get married either.
If we did, there'd be no point in living together.
At your age, talking about living together? I'd be ashamed of myself if I was you.
Oh, come on, sonny.
Get with it.
Do you know what'd happen if Jo and I got married? I'd lose half my Social Security.
That's the way the government's taking care of them, Arch.
Oh, lay off the government over there, will you? I mean, I don't care personally if they live together.
Let them live together.
I mean, after all, at your age, uh, what can you do? Just whatever comes to mind.
Well I'll get my hat and coat.
Justin, did you hear about poor old Hazel Quinn? No.
Don't tell me she passed away.
Worse.
She was picked up for shoplifting and thrown into jail.
They can't put a good woman like that in jail.
What are you talking about, Quigley? Anybody that steals deserves to be in jail.
Hazel Quinn is 78 years old, and she was hungry.
So she stole a can of tuna.
Chicken of the Sea.
It's a good thing the government raised Social Security five percent, right, Arch? Clam up, you.
Well, we got to be going now.
I sure want to thank you for the lovely way you took care of me.
I'd like to do something to sort of make it up to you.
Give you one little piece of advice.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
Oh! You're so clever.
Oh, I'm not really that smart, but people expect an old man to be wise, and I didn't want to disappoint you.
Come on, Jo.
Well, let us know when you get settled.
We'd like to see both of you again.
GLORIA: Wait a minute.
How would you two like to be new grandparents? I don't think we got time.
No, no, I mean, like foster grandparents, for all of us.
Oh, I don't need no kind of grandparents.
Come on, Daddy.
I never knew my real grandma and grandpa.
Well, you wouldn't have liked them.
He don't mean that.
Well, I like these two, and I'd like you to come visit us on holidays.
Oh, what a lovely idea.
Thank you, dear.
Yeah, maybe sometimes we can go visit you.
Go as often as you can, Meathead.
Well, Jo, it looks like we've just been adopted.
Well, see you all next Christmas.
Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.
Next Christmas.
See you next Christmas there.
Ha, ha, Quigley.
Oh, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice.
And this is just for you, sonny.
Something my father said to me.
He said, "Son, don't ever grow old.
" What's that supposed to mean? You'll find out.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
, uh Uh, Quigley.
Oh, Mr.
Quigley.
Yes.
Now, don't feel nervous about being in a strange place.
Oh, I can't wait for you to meet my family.
Put your suitcase down.
And give me your coat.
Oh, that'll be all right.
Oh, no, you don't want to get overheated and catch cold.
Well, all right.
What nice pajamas.
Would you believe they're 11 years old? My daughter gave them to me on my 71st birthday.
Eleven years.
That makes you Old.
Oh, my! You look younger than 82.
You should see me after I slap on the old aftershave lotion and the alcohol tightens everything up.
Ooh.
Now, you come right over here.
There's the phone.
You make your call while I put these groceries in the kitchen.
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWN STAIRS.]
Who, uh? My daughter.
I'm calling her up.
Oh.
Oh, hi, Mike.
I see you met Mr.
Quigley.
Yeah, almost.
Mr.
Quigley, this is my son-in-law, Mike.
Oh, hi, sonny.
Hi.
Let me tell you something about daughters.
You can lead them to water, but you can't make them pick up the phone when they ain't home.
Why don't you sit down over here while you wait, and you can call her later.
Oh, she don't want to hear from me anyway.
Oh, I'm sure you're wrong.
Now, you sit there, and I'll get you a nice cup of coffee.
Uh, yeah, I'll help you, Ma.
[SIGHS.]
Michael! He's in the kitchen.
Anybody ever tell you you're cute? Yes, but Mike your husband? Oh, yes, but-- Let me tell you something about men.
A lot of them do pretty well with the women.
But the iceman always has his pick.
[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Ma! She's in the kitchen too.
Thank you.
Ma! Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Who's that man out in the living room? Gloria, I'm getting the story right now.
Michael, there's a strange-- I'll tell you all I know so far.
His name is Quigley.
Ma found him walking around in his pajamas.
He was gonna take a nap.
Michael, that doesn't make any sense.
It does if you talk to Ma.
Ma, what was that old man doing wearing his pajamas in the street? Walking up and down.
See, doesn't that make sense? Ma? See, when he sneaked away from the old folks' home, he made believe he was taking a nap so they wouldn't notice he was running away.
But-- Ma! Then how did you meet him? Through the window at Ferguson's Market.
You can see through the window at Ferguson's Market.
But, Ma, what--? Well, you see, the woman in front of me on the checkout line was arguing that her 7-cent coupon from yesterday's paper was still good today because she was busy with the children yesterday and she didn't get a chance to read the paper, it turns out.
She turned to me, and she says, "Don't you think I should have 7 cents off?" And I just smiled and looked out the window and then I saw Mr.
Quigley pass by.
I don't know why you can't follow a simple story.
Ma, is that the whole story? No! When I finally got out of the market, there was Mr.
Quigley again, looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help.
Oh, so you invited him to stay here.
Yeah, until he gets in touch with his daughter.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Quigley, your coffee's ready.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I had a wife once.
She'd never open her mouth till after that first cup of coffee.
And you know what I used to do? No, what? I used to hide the coffee on her.
Hey, Edith.
Edith! Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're home! Ohh, what a lousy day I had.
I got something to tell you.
I'm talking, Edith.
Didn't you hear me? I said, "Oh, what a lousy day I had.
" I wanna tell you, I'm just wore out.
You know, I ain't as young as I used to be.
Oh, yeah, I know.
What do you mean, you know? You ain't supposed to agree with that.
I'm sorry, Archie.
Can I tell you my surprise now? You know, I think I can guess.
Oh, you mean like Twenty Questions? I think I could do it in three.
Is it littler than a breadbox? No.
Is it bigger than a breadbox? Yes.
Then it can only be one thing.
An old man in pajamas munching on a cookie.
Archie! How did you know that? He's standing over there! Oh! I'll bet you knew it all the time.
Mr.
Quigley, this is my husband, Archie.
Hi, sonny.
Glad to know you there, pop.
Uh, Edith Get over here.
Excuse me.
Why don't you sit down? What did you do, bring an old man home to take a nap? Oh, no, Archie.
I brought him in so he could make a phone call.
You see, he called his daughter so she could come and pick him up, but she wasn't home, so he's gonna call her later on.
I don't follow you, Edith.
You take some man out of bed to bring him to my house to call his daughter? No, you see, it all started-- Edith, all right.
All right.
All right, Edith, I'll find out myself.
I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
Uh, excuse me there, pop.
Uh, you mind if I ask you something? No, shoot.
Uh, how come you're all dressed for beddy-byes? Well, at my age you never know when a nap's gonna come over you.
To tell you the truth, I was wearing these when I broke out.
When you broke out? Mr.
Quigley ran away from an old folks' retirement home.
Why did you do that? You ever been in an old folks' home? Yeah, I used to visit my Uncle Roy in one of them.
It was pretty soft there.
He had three squares a day, all the television he wanted, bingo every Tuesday.
Suppose you don't want to play bingo every Tuesday.
You mean, they force you to play bingo? Will you shut up? They force you to play bingo? Of course not.
Well, what's the matter with the home? You see that wart? The wart? Yeah.
You know what it's good for? No.
Nothing.
And that's how you feel when you're in an old folks' home.
Good-for-nothing and useless.
Well, now, listen.
I mean, if you don't like the home After all, it's a free country.
Why don't you just leave and get a place of your own? You ever try finding an apartment when all you got to live on is 180 bucks a month Social Security? You'll see.
How long have you got before you'll be 65? Oh, I got plenty of time there.
I ain't been thinking about that.
Why don't you make your phone call? Ma, this cash register slip can't be right.
You spent over $27 on two little bags of groceries? Yeah, that's right.
Oh, no, that cash register must have been on the blink.
Let me check it for you.
That's right.
$27.
52.
Oh, come on there.
Nobody can add up a list that fast.
Let me see the tape here.
I'll tell you what this is here.
Check into that, Meathead.
What are you so surprised about, Daddy? There are plenty of people who can add fast.
All right, but not at his age.
I mean, at this age, yeah, your head don't click like that.
What about Sam Ervin? His head's clicking pretty good.
That ain't his head.
It's only his eyebrows.
He's right, Arch.
It checks out.
Ain't that wonderful? Well, if you're so good at figures how come you ain't still working? It wasn't my fault.
I guess they figured that an old man would make the office kind of look run-down.
Yep, they got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer.
Now they got us living longer, they don't know what to do with us.
You wait and see.
Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
Uh, do you know your daughter's phone number? Sure.
Five-five-five seven-two-four-three.
Five-five-five seven-two-four-three.
Well, I think we can get you out of here faster if I call, because I can talk faster than you.
If she knew it was me calling, she wouldn't even pick up the phone.
Oh, I can't believe that.
I mean, any daughter would be glad to know where her father is.
I mean, after-- Oh, shush.
Hello.
You don't know me, but my name is Archie Bunker, and I got good news for you.
I got your father here with me.
No, no, no, no, this ain't the home.
No, he crashed out of there.
No, no.
No, no.
He don't want to go back there, see? I don't know why.
It's got something to do with warts.
Well, I tell you what.
I live at 704 Hauser Street in Queens, and if you start right over here, you can get him out of here before we sit down to eat.
Wait a minute there.
Are you sure you gave me the right number here? Because this don't sound like your daughter.
Did she tell you to go to hell? Yeah.
That's my daughter.
Ahh! Mrs.
Bunker, a lunch like this on top of that breakfast this morning and that wonderful night's sleep, you're just going to spoil me.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Mr.
Quigley.
Oh, no more coffee, please.
I'm taking this up to Archie.
He's sleeping late this morning.
Now, don't you forget to call your friend Joe.
Ah! No, no.
No! I wasn't-- No.
Uh! Oh, no! No! No! No! Get away from me! Get away from me! Arggh! Ohh, Edith.
What time is it? It's 12:00.
Twelve o'clock? Half the day is gone.
Why didn't you wake me up? It's your day off, Archie.
You needed your rest.
But, Edith, I was having a nightmare here.
Don't ever let me sleep when I'm having a nightmare.
I'm sorry, Archie.
What did you dream? Oh, jeez, Edith, it was awful.
I was out all alone someplace in the cold, you know? Only in my pajamas.
And it's snowing, see, and I'm freezing cold.
And I'm stumbling along tripping over my beard.
What beard? In the dream I got a long white beard, see? And I'm going along there and I'm stumbling over it and I'm-- I'm looking for Mike and Gloria's house.
You mean Mike and Gloria moved into their own house? Yeah.
That was the only good part of the dream.
So I'm going through this strange neighborhood, you know, and I'm looking for their house, but I can't find the address because all the street signs are in Polish.
But then, all of a sudden I heard the sound of somebody eating.
I said, "That must be the meathead's house.
" So I followed the munching-and-crunching noise right up to the door, see, and I knock on the door and Gloria comes out.
She says, "Get away from here, old man.
Go on, get out of here.
" And she stands there laughing at me.
Oh, Gloria would never do a thing like that.
Don't tell me she wouldn't do it.
I seen it with my own eyes.
And she's laughing at me there, and all of a sudden out pop two little kids, see.
What kids? Their kids, our grandchildren, see.
Aww.
Yeah.
Two little twin Meatheads about 6 years of age.
And both of them have got long hair and mustaches.
You know what they done to me? They grabbed me by my white beard and kicked my ankles.
Poor Archie.
What did you do? Oh, I hollered out to Gloria for help there, but all she done was laugh and say, "Get out of here.
" And she went and made a phone call.
The next thing you know, these two big guys showed up, see, all dressed in white.
And then they threw a net over me and dragged me into this old building, see.
And I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm tired.
All I want to do is sleep.
They wouldn't let me sleep.
They kept me up all night playing bingo.
Did you win? I couldn't win.
They gave me a card with no numbers on it.
Oh, my! Now, why would I dream an awful dream like that? Maybe it had something to do with Mr.
Quigley.
Quigley! That's right.
Because he slept under the same roof with me.
Because you and the kids conned me into letting him stay here overnight.
Well, it's overnight right now, and I want him out.
Oh, but, Archie, maybe he will, very soon.
Yeah? Why? Well, because he told me he had an old friend named Joe he could share an apartment with.
When is he gonna come and get him? Oh, I don't know.
You see, Mr.
Quigley had a fight with his friend, and he didn't want to call.
Oh, jeez.
But something I said to him must have made him change his mind and call Joe.
Oh, yeah? What did you say? I said, "Why don't you call Joe?" So, Mr.
Quigley, is everything set between you and Joe? Well, if it ain't, I'll just go back to the home.
I thought you said you'd never go back there again.
Yeah, I did.
But you know the old proverb.
"A bird in the hand--" Oh, yeah.
"Can get you awful dirty.
" Just passing through, everybody.
I got to get Archie his breakfast.
What did you do for fun when you were 21? A lot of things I can't do now.
Yeah, but what I liked to do most was to go dancing.
Oh, really? What kind of dancing did you do way back then? I'll show you.
Oh.
Now, here we go.
Everybody's doin' it Doin' it, doin' it Everybody's doin' it Doing what? Turkey trot See that ragtime Couple over there Watch them throw Their shoulders in the air He's a bear He's a bear He's a bear Hey! Quigley, what about the phone call? It's all set.
Joe's coming to pick me up.
Oh, good.
When? Could be any minute.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Or it could be a few days.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Joe's bright, smart as a whip.
But sometimes Joe kind of forgets.
Joe forgets? Edith! Edith! In here! Edith, listen.
From what I just heard out there, this guy Joe may never get here unless he stops first to take a memory course.
I don't understand.
Why can't Mr.
Quigley stay for a couple of days? Because I already got one freeloader with me and bread's up I know what to do.
I'll call the home.
Oh, no, Archie, don't do that.
He'll be out of here pretty soon, and it don't hurt us that much to take care of him for a couple of days.
Edith, that ain't our job.
Let the government take care of him.
But that's just it, Arch.
The government's not taking care of him.
What are you talking about? You heard yourself, the guy's got Social Security.
Sure, 180 bucks a month.
Meanwhile, the official poverty level is 205 a month.
Don't you see, Arch? The government is just helping old people to starve slower.
Well, maybe when you start working and paying taxes, the government can do better.
Arch, guys like Quigley can barely make ends meet when they're healthy.
What happens when he gets sick? Don't be stupid! Ain't you never heard of Medicure? It's Medicare.
And I saw a documentary about it on television.
The way it works out, it only pays for 42 percent.
The rest comes out of the old people's pockets.
Can't you see by my face that I don't want to talk about it no more? Well, I want to talk about it, Arch! Maybe we should.
It won't be long before we'll be in our golden years.
"Golden years"! I hate golden years.
Don't talk about that no more.
And don't be listening to this meatheaded pinko over here.
The president's gonna take care of people like you and me.
Didn't he push up the Social Security five percent? While groceries went up Oh, what do you care? That's just another 20 percent you're eating free.
Get away from me.
Oh, Archie, don't-- Get away from me.
Come on, it's just gonna be a couple of days.
Would the two of youse get off of my back? Uh, say, Mr.
Quigley, there, I really got to tell you something-- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh! Could that be your friend Joe? I'll bet it is.
I'll answer it.
I'll answer it.
I always answer the door to people who are welcome in this house.
And your friend Joe's welcome here.
Hello.
Uh, who are you? I'm Jo.
Jo, you look prettier than ever.
Oh, and you look younger than ever.
I can lie just as good as you can.
Hey, Quigley, you mean to tell me this is the Jo you're planning on sharing the apartment with? Yep.
Josephine.
Jo, meet my friends, the Bunkers.
How do you do? And this is Mrs.
Bunker, who rescued me.
Oh, well, I'm so happy to know you.
Oh, me too.
Archie, ain't they a lovely couple? How do you mean "couple"? They ain't married, Edith.
Unless-- Are you? No, and we ain't gonna get married either.
If we did, there'd be no point in living together.
At your age, talking about living together? I'd be ashamed of myself if I was you.
Oh, come on, sonny.
Get with it.
Do you know what'd happen if Jo and I got married? I'd lose half my Social Security.
That's the way the government's taking care of them, Arch.
Oh, lay off the government over there, will you? I mean, I don't care personally if they live together.
Let them live together.
I mean, after all, at your age, uh, what can you do? Just whatever comes to mind.
Well I'll get my hat and coat.
Justin, did you hear about poor old Hazel Quinn? No.
Don't tell me she passed away.
Worse.
She was picked up for shoplifting and thrown into jail.
They can't put a good woman like that in jail.
What are you talking about, Quigley? Anybody that steals deserves to be in jail.
Hazel Quinn is 78 years old, and she was hungry.
So she stole a can of tuna.
Chicken of the Sea.
It's a good thing the government raised Social Security five percent, right, Arch? Clam up, you.
Well, we got to be going now.
I sure want to thank you for the lovely way you took care of me.
I'd like to do something to sort of make it up to you.
Give you one little piece of advice.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
Oh! You're so clever.
Oh, I'm not really that smart, but people expect an old man to be wise, and I didn't want to disappoint you.
Come on, Jo.
Well, let us know when you get settled.
We'd like to see both of you again.
GLORIA: Wait a minute.
How would you two like to be new grandparents? I don't think we got time.
No, no, I mean, like foster grandparents, for all of us.
Oh, I don't need no kind of grandparents.
Come on, Daddy.
I never knew my real grandma and grandpa.
Well, you wouldn't have liked them.
He don't mean that.
Well, I like these two, and I'd like you to come visit us on holidays.
Oh, what a lovely idea.
Thank you, dear.
Yeah, maybe sometimes we can go visit you.
Go as often as you can, Meathead.
Well, Jo, it looks like we've just been adopted.
Well, see you all next Christmas.
Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.
Next Christmas.
See you next Christmas there.
Ha, ha, Quigley.
Oh, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice.
And this is just for you, sonny.
Something my father said to me.
He said, "Son, don't ever grow old.
" What's that supposed to mean? You'll find out.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.