All In The Family s04e09 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hi! Where's Ma? Oh, hi, honey.
She's out with Irene Lorenzo and Irene's sister.
I'm cooking dinner as a surprise.
Hey, it smells great.
Yeah, it's a recipe that Frank Lorenzo gave me.
It's called, er, cheval à la Bordelaise.
Wait a second.
Cheval.
Isn't that the French word for horse? Uh-huh.
You're cooking horse? Michael, don't be upset.
Lots of people are eating it nowadays.
I'm not eating horse.
Why not? Because it used to be a horse! Michael, a cow used to be a cow and a lamb used to be a lamb, but you eat them.
Gloria, that's totally different.
I'll stick with cheese.
Michael, you're just being emotional.
I want you to give me a good reason why you're not gonna even try it.
I'll give you a great reason! It's against the law to sell horsemeat for human consumption in New York! Yeah, but it's not illegal in New Jersey and that's where this horsemeat's from.
Mr.
Devlin.
You know, he's the buyer down at the store? He got it for us.
His family eats it all the time.
Fine, let them eat it.
I'm not eating it.
Oh, Michael, come on.
It's a great way to save money.
You know how high the price of beef is nowadays.
I know, Gloria.
I know I'm being irrational about this, but it's just that we're taught certain things right from the cradle.
I mean, certain things are for eating and certain things are not for eating.
It's very, very difficult to break those habits.
Hey, what is this? BOTH: Horsemeat! Oh, my God! Why did you do that to me? You slipped me a piece of horsemeat! Oh, Michael! Michael! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Don't be upset! Oh, jeez! How could you do that to me? Come on! I can't eat horse! I'm eating horse.
All right.
You're eating horse.
How does it taste? It tastes like horse.
Come on, Michael.
I saw that look on your face when you put it in your mouth! Tell me the truth.
You liked it, didn't you? It was okay.
It was just okay? No, really, it wasn't that bad.
It was very good.
Well, see? Wait a second, Gloria.
You're gonna serve horsemeat to Archie? Yeah.
You gonna tell him it's horsemeat? No! Well, what about Ma? Not gonna tell her either.
And don't you tell them! Don't worry, they'll never know.
My lips are sealed.
[SNORTS.]
[WHINNIES.]
Can I have some more of that, please? Michael! EDITH: Gloria, I'm home! Oh, Michael, that's Ma.
Please keep her out of here.
Oh, yeah.
Um Hi, Ma! Hi, Mike.
Hi, Gloria.
Hi, Ma.
There's a surprise going on in here.
Please get out.
Yeah, but I just wanna get Frank's casserole so I can give it back to Irene.
Mmm, something smells good! Yeah, that's the dinner I'm cooking.
That's the surprise.
So go on, Ma.
Thank you, Gloria.
What is it, Chinese? No, Ma, but I'll give you a hint.
Camptown racetrack Doo-dah, doo-dah Oh, I get it! We're having Southern fried chicken! Here you are, Irene.
Hello, Mike.
Hi.
This is one of my family you haven't met.
My sister Theresa.
MIKE: Oh, hi, Theresa.
Hello, Mike.
Mike, Theresa is a sister.
Yeah, I know.
Irene just introduced us.
Not, she's a "sister" sister.
I'm a nun, Mike.
Really? Gee, you're not dressed like the nuns I used to know at parochial school.
Well, some of the orders are not as strict about clothing as they used to be.
That's right! Theresa says that nowadays some nuns are allowed to go around just like they was people.
GLORIA: Michael! Could you please help me in here? Yeah, just a second.
Excuse me.
We'd better be going.
Oh, Theresa, what about when you're on duty? You have to wear your uniform then, don't you? Oh, yes, as a matter of fact, I'm going over to Irene's to change right now.
IRENE: I'll see you later, Edith.
Oh, hello, Archie.
I'm so glad you're home.
You're just in time to say hello to Irene and meet her sister Theresa.
IRENE: Hello, Archie.
Oh, hi there, Irene.
Hi there, sis.
Edith, look at the table over here! There ain't no dinner on it! Oh, we hit him in a good mood.
He's usually not this polite.
Look what Theresa gave me.
What is that? It's a saint.
Take the saint off of you.
Why? Because it's Catholic, Edie.
Theresa, I think we'd better go.
What have you got against Catholics, Mr.
Bunker? Oh, well, it's a long story, sis.
But I'll tell you the truth.
I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes.
You know, like he's what do you call--? Inflammable.
Did you mean infallible, Archie? I believe the pope is infallible in matters of faith.
I believe it devoutly.
Then I'm sorry for you, sis.
You're as big a religious nut as your sister Irene.
Mr.
Bunker, we don't have to agree with everything His Holiness says, but his job is interpreting the law of God, just like the Supreme Court interpreting the Constitution.
If the pope ever made a mistake, do you think God would fire him? No, Edie, the pope is like the civil service.
The guy is in for life.
That's good.
It must be nice having somebody looking after you and telling you what to do.
Oh, Edith, there's much more to our religion than just having somebody look after you.
It's like a deep well.
You can always dip in and renew yourself.
That's the trouble with you Catholics.
You won't quit renewing yourselves and we've got too many people in the world already.
There's too many people here right now.
Let's go, Theresa.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it! ARCHIE: I want to eat, Edith! Hello, Mrs.
Bunker.
How do you do, Father? Can I help you? It's me.
Father Majeski.
Father Majeski! You grew a beard.
I know.
Well, come in.
Ah! There you are, ladies.
Frank told me I'd find you both over here.
Mr.
Bunker.
Look at all the Catholics.
If we had Bing Crosby, we could make a movie.
What's with the beard, Majeski? You trying to save on razor blades? Archie, if the ignorant were blessed, you'd be a saint.
Now, shall we go, ladies? Wait a minute, everybody.
Wouldn't you like to have some coffee? Oh, no, no.
No, thank you.
We haven't time.
Oh, you're wearing St.
Anne, I see.
Yeah.
That's my medal.
Ain't it lovely? Theresa gave it to me.
You know, it's too bad we don't have medals like this in our church.
Catholics have lots of things that we don't have.
Well, we both have the one thing that really matters, Mrs.
Bunker.
Yeah, and that's the collection plate.
I shouldn't think a collection plate would matter to you, Archie, unless you were making change.
Can we eat now the pilgrimage is over? Come and get it! Gloria got supper for us tonight.
It's a surprise.
Gloria, huh? Gee, then it must be either Chinks or Colonel Sanders.
No, Arch.
It's steaks.
Steak? What are you doing to me? Edith, you know I can't afford steak nowadays on my dough.
Look at that.
New York cuts.
No, Arch, those are New Jersey cuts.
Uh, Daddy, Ma didn't buy the dinner.
It's our treat.
Oh, the little girl bought them out of her wages, huh? Well, in that case, whoop-de-do.
Dig in there.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLING.]
How was your day, Ma? Oh, lovely.
Irene took me to St.
Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan and the organist was practicing.
It was just like a concert, only we couldn't clap at the end.
Hey, hey.
Hold your horses.
What was you doing in St.
Pat's Cathedral? You ain't even a Catholic.
Oh, it was all right, Archie, because Irene is a member.
Yeah.
What's all this Catholic stuff anyway? Look at the medal dangling off you there like you was a mother superiority.
Gee, Ma, that's lovely.
It's St.
Anne.
Theresa said she's a patron saint.
Of what, Ma? Of dingbats.
Archie, St.
Anne is the patron saint of housewives and women in labor.
Oh, my.
I hope you don't have to be in labor to wear it.
You don't have to be that, but you've got to be Catholic to wear it, which you ain't.
You ain't yet explained to me what's all the attraction with the Catholics.
Oh, they have lots of interesting things like those little confessionals right in the church.
They're like telephone booths to God.
Hey, Ma, that very poetic.
The hell's poetic about it? I didn't hear nothing rhyme.
I just had a lovely day, and it's so nice to come home to this lovely dinner.
Thank you, Gloria.
Yeah! Thank you, Ma.
You like it, Daddy? I certainly do, little girl.
It's delicious.
I want to tell you, you really whipped up a winner tonight.
I couldn't have put it better myself, Arch.
My, this meat is delicious.
I ain't never seen meat so lean.
What kind is it? It's steak, Ede.
It's steak.
It's steak.
Yeah, I know, but what kind? Ma, it's, um-- [WHISPERING.]
I'll be right back.
What got into your mother-in-law? Nothing that hasn't gotten into you too, Arch.
Ma, why are you so upset? I keep thinking of Mr.
Ed.
But Ma-- Ma, we're not eating Mr.
Ed.
We're eating something the rest of the world's been eating for years.
You've seen people lining up for it on the news, remember? I know, Gloria.
But horse! People ride horses.
The queen rides a horse.
Ma, it's no different from eating chicken.
But the queen don't ride a chicken.
I'm sorry if I did something wrong, Ma.
Oh, it's all right, Gloria.
I guess I'm upset because I was enjoying it.
Look at the time.
I promised to pick up Irene.
We're going to guitar mass.
Hey, Edith-- Ed-- Ed-- Edith! Edith, what are you doing? You're running around like a loose wheel.
I won't be late tonight, Archie.
Why? I just want to go across the alley and pick up Irene.
Bye! Bye.
Oh, what? Is she going out again tonight with that Lorenzo dame? Yeah, she's going to Irene's church, I think.
For guitar mass.
Why is she going to any kind of a mass? What's wrong with that? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Listen, Meathead, we could be in trouble here.
You know that? I'm hearing an awful lot of this Catholic stuff lately.
The next thing you know, your mother-in-law will be giving us fish on Fridays.
Maybe next Friday, Arch, but tonight-- Look at that slob.
A napkin beside him, he wipes his hands on his pants.
Hello, again, Mr.
Bunker.
Do I know you? I'm Theresa.
Oh-- Oh! Well, what are you doing dressed up in a nun's outfit? I'm a nun.
Well, why were you impersonating a civilian before? Mr.
Bunker, I'd love to stay and discuss it with you, but I've got to get back to the convent.
I just wanted to drop these by for Edith.
When we were talking a little while ago, she said she'd like to read them.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, likewise, I'm sure, there, Sis.
Daddy, what did she leave for Ma? Oh, I don't know.
Some kind of pamphlets here that she Oh, holy cow! Look at this! Instructions in the Catholic Faith.
Wow, sounds like Ma is really taking it seriously.
Well, that's what I was telling youse two before, she's taking it serious.
Well, I'm going to take it serious too.
Daddy, where are you going? I'm going to over to see that Father Majeski with the beard.
GLORIA: What for? After all these years with Edith, no one's going to turn this into a mixed marriage.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Yeah.
Who is it? Archie Bunker.
Ohhhh, God, help us.
Come in, Mr.
Bunker.
What can I do for you? Where's your guitar? My what? Well, I heard you was putting on guitar mass here tonight.
No.
I'm going to the movies.
Ohhh, they let you guys go to the movies, huh? What picture you going to see? Dillinger.
We get free passes.
It's one of the fringe benefits of the job.
So where's my wife who's supposed to be at a guitar mass? Oh, well, that's over at St.
Mary's.
Look, if you run, you can just make it.
Ohhh, I ain't going nowheres.
I want to talk to you, here and now.
All right.
All right, Mr.
Bunker.
Tell me.
Tell me, now, what's this all about? This is all about that the Bunkers don't need another religion in the family.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
I'm afraid that my wife is gonna turn into a Catholic.
You make it sound like some kind of a horror movie.
And when does this happen, at midnight under a full moon? Listen, I just don't want no one trying to make my wife change from a Christian to a Catholic, that's all.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, we can't let that happen, can we? Look what I got here that them Lorenzos have been leaving around my house.
The pamphlets.
Here, look at this one.
Instructions in the Catholic Faith.
Here's another one.
The Holy Father's Newest Encyclical.
As if anybody cares what he rides around on.
God works in mysterious ways, Mr.
Bunker.
And you're one of his darkest mysteries.
I seen you over there at our house and I know what you're there for.
You and the Lorenzos trying to convert my wife.
As much as I like your wife, I didn't go over to see her, I went to see Irene Lorenzo.
Oh, sure.
To give Irene Lorenzo advice on how to win over my wife.
That dame's been hanging around my wife's neck like an albacore.
It just struck me that they were good friends, that's all.
What is friendly about taking my wife out, taking her to churches, giving her presents, then? Well, that is fairly hostile, I must admit.
And after all, you Catholics would have no use for Edith.
I mean, she ain't never got nothing to confess.
You couldn't use her in a choir.
She sings like a hinge.
Mr.
Bunker, believe me, no one's trying to convert your wife.
Oh, I don't know whether I can believe that.
If you really want me to, I tell you what you do.
You get a hold of Edith, and talk her out of what she's doing.
What do you think this is here, some sort of a religious Schick center? Why don't you talk to your wife yourself? You know, from what you tell me, it seems to me that she's trying to reach out for something.
Why don't you try to communicate with her? Why should I do that? I'm living in the same house with her.
Maybe she's looking for companionship.
Now, hold it.
Hold it there, Majeski.
No, you hold it.
If you can't talk to your wife, talk to your minister.
Who, the Reverend Fletcher? Felcher.
Whatever.
Why should I talk to that dumbbell? He's turned more Protestants into Catholics than you have.
That is my last way, here.
I don't want no more of this messing around.
I don't want you or anybody else doing it.
Everybody, just keep hands off of my wife.
Or else.
Now, you want to go to the movies? Go ahead.
No, no, no.
No, after talking to you, Dillinger would be a letdown.
Come on in, Irene, and I'll make you some coffee.
Oh, good.
GLORIA: How did the guitar mass go? Oh, it was lovely.
Hey, Gloria, I hear you dished up quite a surprise tonight for dinner.
Horsemeat à la Frank Lorenzo.
Don't let Archie hear you say that.
That's all right, Ma.
He's out.
Now he's in.
Hello, Archie.
Don't give me none of that "Hello, Archie," and the smiles all over your face.
I know where you been tonight.
You been over to St.
Mary's.
Oh, yeah, and it was a beautiful service.
I came out of the church feeling like a new woman.
Holy cow! You mean you done it already? Done what, Archie? Ohhh! Gee, look at you.
You wouldn't even know what you done if you done it.
Did you get on your knees and kiss anybody's ring tonight? What? Did any guy take a stick and splash water all over you? No.
Did you eat a cookie? No.
All I had all evening was ice cream.
What, are they using that now? Oh, Archie, that's dumb, even for you.
Listen, Irene, this is all your fault.
No, I didn't have the ice cream in church, Archie.
Irene and me stopped on the way home.
That's all? Yeah.
You didn't do nothing besides that? No.
Well, then, thank God I got you in time, Irene.
Now, what is that supposed to mean? Listen, I ain't going to beat around the brush with you no more.
I want you to stop trying to make my wife into a Catholic.
Are you trying to accuse me of proselytizing? Why? No! Arch, Irene means that she's not trying to convert Ma.
No one's talking to you there, big mouth.
Edith, come over here.
Come over here! I got one word to say to you and one word only.
You ain't never going to turn Catholic.
That's it.
Oh, Archie.
You know I would never do that.
I just wanted to learn something about Irene's religion.
That don't mean I'm gonna join.
Well, it certainly looked as if you was.
Archie, Edith doesn't have to join our church to find out what religion is all about.
She learned a long time ago that the important thing in life is to love other people.
Irene, that's the best definition of religion I've ever heard.
Oh, listen to the atheist over here, shooting his mouth off! What the hell do you know about religion? Arch, I know that the most important thing in life is to love other people.
Baloney! I happen to feel that you can achieve that without bringing God into it, but if that's Irene's way, I respect it.
At least we're going for the same results.
The only result I ever seen you going for was the icebox.
Mike, you may be an atheist, but that was a very Christian thing to say.
Thank you, Irene.
Oh, listen to the Catholic and the atheist agreeing with each other and patting each other on the back.
I can't stand it no more.
Get away from me, all of youse! Edith, it was a lovely evening.
Good night, kids.
Good night, Irene.
Arrivederci, Irene.
Archie, I don't like comparing your church with mine, but there is one big difference that makes me very happy.
Yeah, what's that? The Protestants have got you.
Every time you bring that woman into this house, she gives me a shot.
Oh, Archie.
I'm sorry you worried about me.
I don't want to hear one other word about the whole thing.
Only from now on, you let Irene Lorenzo stick to her God, and we'll stick to ours.
But there's only one, I always thought.
Let me do the thinking.
You just do the useful things around here like, er, for instance, get me a beer.
Sure.
Right away.
Oh, would you like a snack with it? Yeah, yeah.
A snack would be great.
Make me a up a sandwich out of the leftover steak from supper.
Are you sure you want that? Sure I'm sure.
It was delicious.
Coming right up.
Daddy, how can you be so hungry when you ate so much at dinner? Yeah, it's funny, ain't it? I don't know what's come over me tonight.
I feel like I could eat a horse.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Ma.
How was church? Oh, it was fine.
But something funny happened.
Right after the service the Reverend Felcher took me aside to talk to me.
He's worried about you, Archie.
Why? Because I don't hang around his church like you? No, he found out that you went to see Father Majeski, and he's afraid you're gonna turn Catholic! [GIGGLING.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.