All In The Family s04e13 Episode Script
The Taxi Caper
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days How's it going, Michael? Oh, sensational.
Oh, gee, you do that with such flair.
Well, either you have it or you don't, you know what I mean? Can I help you? Yeah.
See if you can find my thumb in there.
Hey, what's that thing you're cooking in? Oh, that's, uh-- That's a wok.
A what? No, no, no, a wok.
It's Frank Lorenzo's.
He's teaching me how to use it.
You cook Chinese food in it.
Ooh! You know, I'm starting to understand why Frank Lorenzo gets such a big kick out of cooking.
Gee, you're really having fun, aren't you? Yeah! You know, I oughta cook dinner more often.
Oh, I wouldn't rush into a decision like that, Michael.
EDITH: Hi.
How's it coming? Oh, terrific, Ma.
Oh, good.
Oh, Mike, I don't like to give advice when I ain't asked.
Can I give you a piece of advice? Oh, yeah, sure, Ma.
You're supposed to cook in the pot, not in the lid.
No, Ma, that's not a lid, it's a wok.
The Chinese cook in it, like we use a frying pan.
Oh, my! I bet they have a lot of trouble making pancakes.
Don't you think Michael's brave, though, cooking dinner all by himself? Well, well, well, not so brave.
I mean, after all, remember the old Chinese proverb, "Many men cook, but fu mein chu.
" I ain't never heard that before.
And let's hope you never hear it again.
Come on, Ma, let's set the table.
Oh, Mike, are you sure you can manage by yourself? Oh, sure, Ma.
There's no problem.
As long as I remember the four basic rules that Frank taught me: block, wok, hot, lot.
Block, wok, hot, lot? Is that Chinese? No, no, no, Ma.
It means chop on block, cook in wok, serve it hot, then pray a lot.
Well, just yell if you need anything.
Okay, Ma, I will.
[WHISTLING TUNEFULLY.]
Don't worry about dinner, Ma.
It'll be fine.
Oh, I ain't worried, Gloria.
I just feel guilty doing nothing while a man is cooking my dinner.
I guess I just ain't used to a life of luxury.
But Michael's enjoying it, Ma.
It's not as if he was forced to do dinner every night the way you are.
Oh, I ain't forced to do it either, Gloria.
I do it because I want to.
And if I don't, Archie yells at me.
Where is Daddy, anyway? I mean, he's awful late tonight.
Oh, he don't mind being late when he's driving Mr.
Munson's cab.
It means he's doing good and making more money.
Oh, 6:30, I bet he's doing real good! Officer, I've been robbed! Take it easy, Mr.
Bunker.
You ain't the first guy who's ever been held up in New York.
Oh, jeez.
Now, let me see if I've got this straight.
The passenger got out of your cab, held you up and stole your wallet.
I told you that three times.
The guy lifted 50 bucks off me.
Can't we get some action on this? We're working on it, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm just taking your statement down here.
Sergeant Roselli's gonna want to talk to you about it later.
Oh, Roselli, huh? Jeez, whatever happened to all the Irish cops on the force? Oh, let me tell you, them were the guys that knew how to handle crime on the streets.
They was always out there busting heads.
You like those old stereotypes, huh? Best types of all.
They didn't waste no time bringing the crinimals into court to be let go.
They grab a guy, they tell him, "Hey, don't do that no more!" Then they crack him on the skull so he wouldn't forget.
Well, nowadays our methods aren't quite so sophisticated.
That's what I'm saying! A crack in the head is worth a thousand words.
My wife is gonna be expecting me.
I think I'm gonna be late for dinner.
I better call home, huh? Uh, over there, Mr.
Bunker.
The payphone.
I can't pay for a call.
He took all my money, my last dime.
According to my rights, I'm entitled to one free phone call.
Mr.
Bunker, that's for the accused.
You're the victim! Oh, yeah.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Sergeant Blair.
Yeah.
Right away.
Follow me, Mr.
Bunker.
What happens now? You're gonna see Detective Sergeant Roselli about your robbery.
Where? Right in here.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I told you, the guy that robbed me, he wasn't no hippie.
He was clean shaved, he was well dressed.
He was a good-looking guy, not like this here.
Mr.
Bunker-- I'm out 50 bucks.
Can we get some action, sergeant? I'm the sergeant.
You are? I'm Sergeant Roselli.
Here's Mr.
Bunker's statement, Tony.
Thanks.
Take this bum out and book him for grand larceny.
This is a bum? Yeah.
Oh! Sergeant Roselli.
What are you, one of them mod squads? No, just a police officer, Mr.
Bummer.
Uh, "ker.
" Do you mind? Bunker.
I only thought because you was hiding behind all that hair that you was one of them undercover guys.
No, I just happen to have long hair.
Oh.
Roselli.
Ain't you got no barbers in the family? Look, I wear my hair long because I like it that way.
Does it bother you? No, no.
I was just staring at it, that's all.
Let's talk about your crook's hair, Mr.
Bunker.
Now, you say there in your statement that it was blond.
How blond? Oh, he was very blond, very bright.
He was almost white.
In fact, if you was to give this guy a nickname, it'd probably be, er, "Whitey.
" Did he brush his hair straight back? Yeah, he brushed it straight-- How'd you know that? I'm a detective.
Mr.
Bunker, I think I know this guy, and there's a good chance that I'm gonna catch him.
Yeah, well, listen.
Before I go there, I just wanna remind you once more about the amount of money in the wallet there.
It was exactly 50 bucks, you know? On the nose.
Yeah, I know.
It's in your statement.
Yeah, I know it's in my statement, but I hear tell that sometimes when money changes hands in police stations, that it, uh That it what? That it gets lost.
Don't worry about that.
You're in luck.
See, it's the end of the month.
I'm already over my graft quota.
You see, if I stole any more, I'd be in a higher bracket.
Come on, are you telling--? Mr.
Bunker, go home.
All right.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you ain't hurt! And I feel terrible because I wasn't even worried.
I thought you was doing good.
All right.
And all the time you was being robbed.
Oh, but I'm fine.
He could have killed you! Look at me.
Am I killed? What are you talking about? These punk stick-up guys, they never kill a guy that knows how to handle himself.
How do you handle yourself? Give him the money before he kills you.
Daddy, how much did he get? How much did he get? He got my whole wad, 50 bucks.
Oh, that's terrible! Did he actually pull a gun on you? He didn't have to pull a gun.
I could see the lump in his pocket.
Maybe he was doing like Edward G.
Robinson used to do, just holding a pipe in his pocket and making believe.
Jeez, I wish I'd have thought of that, Edith.
I'd have said to the hold-up guy, "Hey, you only got Edgar G.
Robinson's pipe in your pocket.
" Then he would have killed me right then.
Daddy, what did the police say? Said nothing.
The guy I was talking to was too busy combing his long hair.
Sounds like Serpico.
Serpico.
Ain't that a cough syrup? No, Ma.
Serpico is a detective.
He's one of the new breed.
Yeah, to me he looked like an old breed.
Sheepdog.
What do you want, Arch? Someone who's nice and neat and clean with shined shoes? Why not? The city's paying them.
Someone with a nice, sober suit and short hair? ARCHIE: That's right! Someone like Halderman or Erlichman? That's right-- Get off that! GLORIA: Daddy.
Daddy, will you be able to identify the thief if they catch him? Certainly I will, little girl.
I'll remember that young punk kid the longest day I live.
Oh, Archie, was he really young? Yeah, he was young.
And believe it or not, he was white.
Why shouldn't we believe that? You never pick up any black fares.
Ah, shut up.
Why don't you never pick up any black people, Archie? You want me driving up there to Harlem? Suppose my cab broke down at the corner of 137th Street and Lenox Avenue, what do you think would happen? Maybe somebody would repair it for you.
What? Well, you're always You're always saying that colored people are good fixing cars.
Ah, that's only when they're in white neighborhoods.
Archie, you are so full of-- Michael! Hey, hey, hey! What about your dinner? What was that? What was that? I'm full of what? Full of what? Hey! Hey! The women cut you off, but you was gonna say something dirty in the living room there.
Because you were talking stupid.
Why do you always have to talk stupid? To make you understand! Funny.
Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side, even when a guy holds me up? Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial? Certainly I will.
Sure I will.
I'll lose a day's pay, but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug.
Hey, hey, wait a second, Arch.
You're talking about a human being.
I'm talking about a creep.
All right, I agree.
He should be punished for what he did, but you don't go around calling people "pieces of filth.
" How about "piece of creep"? There you go, talking stupid again.
There you go, understanding me again.
What the hell are you slopping around with here in the pot? It's Chinese food.
It don't look like Chinks to me.
GLORIA & MIKE: Chinese food! That's what I said, Chinks, and that ain't it.
Yes, it is, Daddy, and it's very good.
Michael made it.
Michael m-- Are you letting the Meathead cook my supper? Oh, yeah! Frank Lorenzo taught him how to do it.
Then let him and Frank Lorenzo eat it.
Oh, Archie, it looks so good and it smells-- It smells like fertilizer.
And that's what you're full of! That's it! All right, you don't have to eat it.
He's not eating the food! Daddy, you could at least try it.
What would you say if you cooked dinner and Michael wouldn't eat any of it? I'd say that the Meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was.
Oh, that's nice! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
You try to do something nice for somebody and look what happens, they throw it right back in your face.
Thank you very much! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Don't try-- Michael, don't say anything.
I worked hard on this, Gloria.
Shut up over there and try to be delicate, will you? I'm at the door.
Mr.
Bunker? Yeah? My name is Morrison.
I'd like to talk to you about your, um, unfortunate incident.
My what? In your cab.
Oh, you must be another detective, huh? No, no.
No, I'm a lawyer.
Oh, hold it.
I don't need no lawyer.
I already been robbed.
Mr.
Bunker, could we talk privately? I've got a proposition that could prove very beneficial to you.
What's beneficial? Money.
I'll get my coat.
Archie, where are you going? Beneficial.
On the porch.
I wonder why a lawyer wants to see Archie.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I think it's got something to do with the robbery.
Hello? Oh, no, sergeant.
My father just stepped out.
Can I take a message? He caught the man that robbed Daddy! Oh, could you hold on, because I'm sure he'll wanna hear this.
I think I can get him, okay? Hold on.
Daddy! Daddy! What? It's Sergeant Roselli on the phone here.
He caught the man who robbed you! Oh, all right.
Tell him to hold the line there.
The sergeant's on the phone.
Come on in, Mr.
Morrison.
Tell him to hold the line, little girl.
GLORIA: Hold on, he's coming to the phone.
All right.
Come on, give me the phone! I'm giving you the phone! Get out of here! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Yeah, Archie Bunker here, sergeant, yeah.
Yeah, my daughter just told me.
Oh, you found the wallet too, huh? Great, great.
You want me to come down and identify the guy.
Well, I tell you, uh I tell you, sergeant, I have just decided not to press the charges.
Daddy! Archie? Shush! Shush in front of the phone.
I have decided not to press the charges.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! The police caught your robber, now you're dropping the charges? Mr.
Bunker, I have to be going.
I'll be right with you, Mr.
Morrison.
Get lost, will you? Arch, aren't you always saying we should help the police? I'm helping the police.
I'm giving them one less case to worry about.
Yeah, you're giving the public one more to worry about.
The point is that the boy is innocent.
But, Archie, you said he was a terrible crook with a gun.
You said it was a pipe.
And the more I think about it, Edith, the more I think you're right there.
I think it was something like that, a pipe.
I think that he had me fooled there, the little devil.
The little devil? You heard me! You make him sound like he was one of the Our Gang kids.
Oh, shut up.
Mr.
Morrison, I want to ask you something.
Now, wait a minute, Mr.
Morrison.
Don't pay no attention to this college boy, huh? Mr.
Morrison-- A, he's unemployed, and two, he don't work.
Mr.
Morrison, what did you and my father-in-law talk about on the porch? Wait a minute! Mr.
Morrison, you don't have to answer that.
That's all right.
Young man, I'm a family friend of the unfortunate boy who's only guilty of an error in judgment.
Your father-in-law and I agreed we don't want to get the boy in trouble because of one little mistake.
Yeah.
I decided to forgive the boy.
Five minutes ago, you were ready to hang him.
Don't talk to me.
Mr.
Morrison-- I'm glad your father-in-law changed his mind, because my client is a very honest young person.
Honest? How could he be honest? He robbed him! Well, some people are honest underneath.
That's right! And that's how it is with young Andy Farrell.
Yeah, lots of people are like that.
They're very good underneath.
They're just a little rotten on top.
Well, Andy has promised that he will never do anything like this again.
Wonderful.
Wonderful? What's wonderful about letting a robber off scot-free? Young man, as a student, you should understand.
If Andy were prosecuted, he'd be expelled from college.
That would be the end of his political career even before it's begun.
What? Mr.
Morrison What kind of a politician is a guy gonna make when he starts out by robbing people? I know, the successful kind.
Mr.
Bunker, I'm sure Tom Farrell will want to thank you personally when he hears how fair you've been to his son.
Don't mention it there, Mr.
Morrison.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Tom Farrell, the city commissioner? And devoted father.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
That's the political career you're really trying to protect, isn't it? Oh, yeah, sure, I understand perfectly now.
If you understand, why don't you shut up and get out of here? Once again, Mr.
Morrison, good night and thank you very kindly.
Good night.
Yeah, good night, Mr.
Morrison! You're incredible, Arch.
Really incredible! Oh, get away from me.
Five minutes ago you were ready for blood, and after two minutes with a smooth-talking lawyer, you're as gentle as a lamb.
I told you, get away! Yeah, Daddy.
How could you let him talk you into dropping those charges? He didn't talk me into nothing.
This is what did the talking here.
[LAUGHS.]
One hundred bucks.
Archie, he gave you $100? That's right, Edith.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Tom Farrell paid you to keep quiet.
What's the matter with that? Ain't you ever heard "silence is gold"? Archie, I don't think you should have taken that.
Why not? Because you're breaking the law, Arch.
You accepted a bribe.
I didn't accept no bribe! Well, what's your word for it, "campaign contribution"? Don't be stupid.
I ain't running for nothing.
I was just doing something to help a guy out.
To help a guy out? ARCHIE: That's right, little girl.
That's the American way.
If a guy's down, you don't kick him, you help him up.
Then you scratch his back and he scratches yours.
This is the scratch I just got.
Oh, don't be looking at me like a wounded sheep.
I gotta go down to the police station to pick up the wallet.
Now, before I go, could I have a beer? All right, Archie.
Daddy, what if the police find out that Mr.
Farrell paid you? Oh, I ain't splitting with them.
Let the cops make their own deal.
Your wallet will be brought down in a minute, Mr.
Bunker.
Well, jeez, it's about time, not that I wanna put the rush on you guys.
My cab's parked out there.
It don't make me no money sitting at the curb.
Wait over there, will you? Yeah, all right, all right.
Jeez, it's gonna take all night, this thing.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi there.
You must be working with Roselli, huh? What? Yeah, what have you got, another one of them grand larceny bums over there? What? Listen, I wanna tell you something.
I got a lot of respect for you guys, going around the way youse do with the long hair and them clothes like that, smelling like the river.
All I wanna say is you're doing a great job for the city there and I appreciate it.
Hey, Pete, you can bring him up now.
Okay.
On your feet.
Come on.
Uh, wait a minute! What's going on? What, are you the detective? That's right.
I thought you was the undercover man.
:What are you, some kind of a mental case? Oh, hello, Bunker.
Oh, hiya, Roselli, there.
Hey, why did you hang up on me like that? Oh, well, because we had a visitor in the house, and there was a lot going on.
Look, Roselli, I just come down to get my wallet, that's all.
Yeah, I know.
How come you dropped the charges against Andy Farrell? Well, I mean, after all, I don't wanna get an innocent kid in Dutch.
You know, I mean-- Well, you don't go around throwing human beings into the jug.
Why? You afraid you'd give the kid a trauma? I don't want a trauma to go on his record.
You know, it's a prank.
After all, when I was a kid, you know what I used to do? I used to steal hunks of ice off of the ice wagon.
You stole off a wagon? Forty years ago! Come on, there's a statue of libertations here.
I'm talking about a prank like this kid was a prank.
Well, it just happens to be the third prank that Andy Farrell has pulled on cab drivers this year.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, and the third time that the charge was suddenly dropped.
Oh.
Well, jeez, nobody told me that.
Well, that's too bad.
You could have held out for more.
Oh, now, wait a minute there, Roselli.
Don't be accusing me of taking a bribe.
You know what they call that? Definition of character.
Here's your wallet, Mr.
Bunker.
Sign here, please.
Yeah, well, I'll sign, but let me check it out first, huh? You know, I'm only sorry that we weren't able to get your money back too.
I can see that! Where's my 50 bucks? Oh, didn't I tell you? Andy Farrell, the boy who robbed you-- Oh, excuse me.
The boy who pulled a prank on you said the wallet was empty when he found it.
Hold it.
Hold it, he said what? Yeah, we thought it was strange too.
Especially since Andy was carrying a roll of 50 bucks on him when we picked him up.
Sure he was! That was my 50! Ain't that a coincidence! That's what I said to Chuck here.
I said, "Chuck, I'll bet you that's Mr.
Bunker's dough.
" You were right.
Then I said, "No, I must be wrong.
"How could I suspect a sweet, innocent young boy, especially when nobody's pressing charges?" Sign here, please.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I see what you police are doing here.
Okay.
There's the signature.
I gotta get back to my cab.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah? Was that your cab parked out at the curb, 742-TA? Yeah, at the curb.
Why? You were parked in a no-standing zone.
They just towed away your cab.
They can't do that to me! I'm here on police business! I'm sorry, Mr.
Bunker.
You can reclaim it down at the pier.
Yeah, that's all right.
You just tell them I sent you, and they'll give it back to you.
They will? Sure.
For 50 bucks.
Fifty bucks? Look at this, from my wallet, I'm out 50 bucks and 50 bucks for the cab? It cost me $100 to walk into this joint! A hundred and twenty-five.
A hundred and twenty-five.
A hundred and twenty-five? What for? Twenty-five for the parking ticket you're gonna find on your windshield.
Oh, yeah.
All right for youse guys.
Tell you something else, this here is highway robbery.
No, Mr.
Bunker, this here is justice.
Hey! Hey, look at this! "Farrell attorney Morrison involved in $200,000 bribe attempt.
" Where's that? Let me see.
Morrison? Ain't that the lawyer that gave you the $100? Oh, holy cow.
Look at this! Two hundred thousand dollars.
What a dirty thief! Oh, you finally learned something.
Yeah, I sure did.
Don't ever take the first offer.
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Oh, gee, you do that with such flair.
Well, either you have it or you don't, you know what I mean? Can I help you? Yeah.
See if you can find my thumb in there.
Hey, what's that thing you're cooking in? Oh, that's, uh-- That's a wok.
A what? No, no, no, a wok.
It's Frank Lorenzo's.
He's teaching me how to use it.
You cook Chinese food in it.
Ooh! You know, I'm starting to understand why Frank Lorenzo gets such a big kick out of cooking.
Gee, you're really having fun, aren't you? Yeah! You know, I oughta cook dinner more often.
Oh, I wouldn't rush into a decision like that, Michael.
EDITH: Hi.
How's it coming? Oh, terrific, Ma.
Oh, good.
Oh, Mike, I don't like to give advice when I ain't asked.
Can I give you a piece of advice? Oh, yeah, sure, Ma.
You're supposed to cook in the pot, not in the lid.
No, Ma, that's not a lid, it's a wok.
The Chinese cook in it, like we use a frying pan.
Oh, my! I bet they have a lot of trouble making pancakes.
Don't you think Michael's brave, though, cooking dinner all by himself? Well, well, well, not so brave.
I mean, after all, remember the old Chinese proverb, "Many men cook, but fu mein chu.
" I ain't never heard that before.
And let's hope you never hear it again.
Come on, Ma, let's set the table.
Oh, Mike, are you sure you can manage by yourself? Oh, sure, Ma.
There's no problem.
As long as I remember the four basic rules that Frank taught me: block, wok, hot, lot.
Block, wok, hot, lot? Is that Chinese? No, no, no, Ma.
It means chop on block, cook in wok, serve it hot, then pray a lot.
Well, just yell if you need anything.
Okay, Ma, I will.
[WHISTLING TUNEFULLY.]
Don't worry about dinner, Ma.
It'll be fine.
Oh, I ain't worried, Gloria.
I just feel guilty doing nothing while a man is cooking my dinner.
I guess I just ain't used to a life of luxury.
But Michael's enjoying it, Ma.
It's not as if he was forced to do dinner every night the way you are.
Oh, I ain't forced to do it either, Gloria.
I do it because I want to.
And if I don't, Archie yells at me.
Where is Daddy, anyway? I mean, he's awful late tonight.
Oh, he don't mind being late when he's driving Mr.
Munson's cab.
It means he's doing good and making more money.
Oh, 6:30, I bet he's doing real good! Officer, I've been robbed! Take it easy, Mr.
Bunker.
You ain't the first guy who's ever been held up in New York.
Oh, jeez.
Now, let me see if I've got this straight.
The passenger got out of your cab, held you up and stole your wallet.
I told you that three times.
The guy lifted 50 bucks off me.
Can't we get some action on this? We're working on it, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm just taking your statement down here.
Sergeant Roselli's gonna want to talk to you about it later.
Oh, Roselli, huh? Jeez, whatever happened to all the Irish cops on the force? Oh, let me tell you, them were the guys that knew how to handle crime on the streets.
They was always out there busting heads.
You like those old stereotypes, huh? Best types of all.
They didn't waste no time bringing the crinimals into court to be let go.
They grab a guy, they tell him, "Hey, don't do that no more!" Then they crack him on the skull so he wouldn't forget.
Well, nowadays our methods aren't quite so sophisticated.
That's what I'm saying! A crack in the head is worth a thousand words.
My wife is gonna be expecting me.
I think I'm gonna be late for dinner.
I better call home, huh? Uh, over there, Mr.
Bunker.
The payphone.
I can't pay for a call.
He took all my money, my last dime.
According to my rights, I'm entitled to one free phone call.
Mr.
Bunker, that's for the accused.
You're the victim! Oh, yeah.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Sergeant Blair.
Yeah.
Right away.
Follow me, Mr.
Bunker.
What happens now? You're gonna see Detective Sergeant Roselli about your robbery.
Where? Right in here.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I told you, the guy that robbed me, he wasn't no hippie.
He was clean shaved, he was well dressed.
He was a good-looking guy, not like this here.
Mr.
Bunker-- I'm out 50 bucks.
Can we get some action, sergeant? I'm the sergeant.
You are? I'm Sergeant Roselli.
Here's Mr.
Bunker's statement, Tony.
Thanks.
Take this bum out and book him for grand larceny.
This is a bum? Yeah.
Oh! Sergeant Roselli.
What are you, one of them mod squads? No, just a police officer, Mr.
Bummer.
Uh, "ker.
" Do you mind? Bunker.
I only thought because you was hiding behind all that hair that you was one of them undercover guys.
No, I just happen to have long hair.
Oh.
Roselli.
Ain't you got no barbers in the family? Look, I wear my hair long because I like it that way.
Does it bother you? No, no.
I was just staring at it, that's all.
Let's talk about your crook's hair, Mr.
Bunker.
Now, you say there in your statement that it was blond.
How blond? Oh, he was very blond, very bright.
He was almost white.
In fact, if you was to give this guy a nickname, it'd probably be, er, "Whitey.
" Did he brush his hair straight back? Yeah, he brushed it straight-- How'd you know that? I'm a detective.
Mr.
Bunker, I think I know this guy, and there's a good chance that I'm gonna catch him.
Yeah, well, listen.
Before I go there, I just wanna remind you once more about the amount of money in the wallet there.
It was exactly 50 bucks, you know? On the nose.
Yeah, I know.
It's in your statement.
Yeah, I know it's in my statement, but I hear tell that sometimes when money changes hands in police stations, that it, uh That it what? That it gets lost.
Don't worry about that.
You're in luck.
See, it's the end of the month.
I'm already over my graft quota.
You see, if I stole any more, I'd be in a higher bracket.
Come on, are you telling--? Mr.
Bunker, go home.
All right.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you ain't hurt! And I feel terrible because I wasn't even worried.
I thought you was doing good.
All right.
And all the time you was being robbed.
Oh, but I'm fine.
He could have killed you! Look at me.
Am I killed? What are you talking about? These punk stick-up guys, they never kill a guy that knows how to handle himself.
How do you handle yourself? Give him the money before he kills you.
Daddy, how much did he get? How much did he get? He got my whole wad, 50 bucks.
Oh, that's terrible! Did he actually pull a gun on you? He didn't have to pull a gun.
I could see the lump in his pocket.
Maybe he was doing like Edward G.
Robinson used to do, just holding a pipe in his pocket and making believe.
Jeez, I wish I'd have thought of that, Edith.
I'd have said to the hold-up guy, "Hey, you only got Edgar G.
Robinson's pipe in your pocket.
" Then he would have killed me right then.
Daddy, what did the police say? Said nothing.
The guy I was talking to was too busy combing his long hair.
Sounds like Serpico.
Serpico.
Ain't that a cough syrup? No, Ma.
Serpico is a detective.
He's one of the new breed.
Yeah, to me he looked like an old breed.
Sheepdog.
What do you want, Arch? Someone who's nice and neat and clean with shined shoes? Why not? The city's paying them.
Someone with a nice, sober suit and short hair? ARCHIE: That's right! Someone like Halderman or Erlichman? That's right-- Get off that! GLORIA: Daddy.
Daddy, will you be able to identify the thief if they catch him? Certainly I will, little girl.
I'll remember that young punk kid the longest day I live.
Oh, Archie, was he really young? Yeah, he was young.
And believe it or not, he was white.
Why shouldn't we believe that? You never pick up any black fares.
Ah, shut up.
Why don't you never pick up any black people, Archie? You want me driving up there to Harlem? Suppose my cab broke down at the corner of 137th Street and Lenox Avenue, what do you think would happen? Maybe somebody would repair it for you.
What? Well, you're always You're always saying that colored people are good fixing cars.
Ah, that's only when they're in white neighborhoods.
Archie, you are so full of-- Michael! Hey, hey, hey! What about your dinner? What was that? What was that? I'm full of what? Full of what? Hey! Hey! The women cut you off, but you was gonna say something dirty in the living room there.
Because you were talking stupid.
Why do you always have to talk stupid? To make you understand! Funny.
Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side, even when a guy holds me up? Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial? Certainly I will.
Sure I will.
I'll lose a day's pay, but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug.
Hey, hey, wait a second, Arch.
You're talking about a human being.
I'm talking about a creep.
All right, I agree.
He should be punished for what he did, but you don't go around calling people "pieces of filth.
" How about "piece of creep"? There you go, talking stupid again.
There you go, understanding me again.
What the hell are you slopping around with here in the pot? It's Chinese food.
It don't look like Chinks to me.
GLORIA & MIKE: Chinese food! That's what I said, Chinks, and that ain't it.
Yes, it is, Daddy, and it's very good.
Michael made it.
Michael m-- Are you letting the Meathead cook my supper? Oh, yeah! Frank Lorenzo taught him how to do it.
Then let him and Frank Lorenzo eat it.
Oh, Archie, it looks so good and it smells-- It smells like fertilizer.
And that's what you're full of! That's it! All right, you don't have to eat it.
He's not eating the food! Daddy, you could at least try it.
What would you say if you cooked dinner and Michael wouldn't eat any of it? I'd say that the Meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was.
Oh, that's nice! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
You try to do something nice for somebody and look what happens, they throw it right back in your face.
Thank you very much! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Don't try-- Michael, don't say anything.
I worked hard on this, Gloria.
Shut up over there and try to be delicate, will you? I'm at the door.
Mr.
Bunker? Yeah? My name is Morrison.
I'd like to talk to you about your, um, unfortunate incident.
My what? In your cab.
Oh, you must be another detective, huh? No, no.
No, I'm a lawyer.
Oh, hold it.
I don't need no lawyer.
I already been robbed.
Mr.
Bunker, could we talk privately? I've got a proposition that could prove very beneficial to you.
What's beneficial? Money.
I'll get my coat.
Archie, where are you going? Beneficial.
On the porch.
I wonder why a lawyer wants to see Archie.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I think it's got something to do with the robbery.
Hello? Oh, no, sergeant.
My father just stepped out.
Can I take a message? He caught the man that robbed Daddy! Oh, could you hold on, because I'm sure he'll wanna hear this.
I think I can get him, okay? Hold on.
Daddy! Daddy! What? It's Sergeant Roselli on the phone here.
He caught the man who robbed you! Oh, all right.
Tell him to hold the line there.
The sergeant's on the phone.
Come on in, Mr.
Morrison.
Tell him to hold the line, little girl.
GLORIA: Hold on, he's coming to the phone.
All right.
Come on, give me the phone! I'm giving you the phone! Get out of here! [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Yeah, Archie Bunker here, sergeant, yeah.
Yeah, my daughter just told me.
Oh, you found the wallet too, huh? Great, great.
You want me to come down and identify the guy.
Well, I tell you, uh I tell you, sergeant, I have just decided not to press the charges.
Daddy! Archie? Shush! Shush in front of the phone.
I have decided not to press the charges.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! The police caught your robber, now you're dropping the charges? Mr.
Bunker, I have to be going.
I'll be right with you, Mr.
Morrison.
Get lost, will you? Arch, aren't you always saying we should help the police? I'm helping the police.
I'm giving them one less case to worry about.
Yeah, you're giving the public one more to worry about.
The point is that the boy is innocent.
But, Archie, you said he was a terrible crook with a gun.
You said it was a pipe.
And the more I think about it, Edith, the more I think you're right there.
I think it was something like that, a pipe.
I think that he had me fooled there, the little devil.
The little devil? You heard me! You make him sound like he was one of the Our Gang kids.
Oh, shut up.
Mr.
Morrison, I want to ask you something.
Now, wait a minute, Mr.
Morrison.
Don't pay no attention to this college boy, huh? Mr.
Morrison-- A, he's unemployed, and two, he don't work.
Mr.
Morrison, what did you and my father-in-law talk about on the porch? Wait a minute! Mr.
Morrison, you don't have to answer that.
That's all right.
Young man, I'm a family friend of the unfortunate boy who's only guilty of an error in judgment.
Your father-in-law and I agreed we don't want to get the boy in trouble because of one little mistake.
Yeah.
I decided to forgive the boy.
Five minutes ago, you were ready to hang him.
Don't talk to me.
Mr.
Morrison-- I'm glad your father-in-law changed his mind, because my client is a very honest young person.
Honest? How could he be honest? He robbed him! Well, some people are honest underneath.
That's right! And that's how it is with young Andy Farrell.
Yeah, lots of people are like that.
They're very good underneath.
They're just a little rotten on top.
Well, Andy has promised that he will never do anything like this again.
Wonderful.
Wonderful? What's wonderful about letting a robber off scot-free? Young man, as a student, you should understand.
If Andy were prosecuted, he'd be expelled from college.
That would be the end of his political career even before it's begun.
What? Mr.
Morrison What kind of a politician is a guy gonna make when he starts out by robbing people? I know, the successful kind.
Mr.
Bunker, I'm sure Tom Farrell will want to thank you personally when he hears how fair you've been to his son.
Don't mention it there, Mr.
Morrison.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Tom Farrell, the city commissioner? And devoted father.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
That's the political career you're really trying to protect, isn't it? Oh, yeah, sure, I understand perfectly now.
If you understand, why don't you shut up and get out of here? Once again, Mr.
Morrison, good night and thank you very kindly.
Good night.
Yeah, good night, Mr.
Morrison! You're incredible, Arch.
Really incredible! Oh, get away from me.
Five minutes ago you were ready for blood, and after two minutes with a smooth-talking lawyer, you're as gentle as a lamb.
I told you, get away! Yeah, Daddy.
How could you let him talk you into dropping those charges? He didn't talk me into nothing.
This is what did the talking here.
[LAUGHS.]
One hundred bucks.
Archie, he gave you $100? That's right, Edith.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Tom Farrell paid you to keep quiet.
What's the matter with that? Ain't you ever heard "silence is gold"? Archie, I don't think you should have taken that.
Why not? Because you're breaking the law, Arch.
You accepted a bribe.
I didn't accept no bribe! Well, what's your word for it, "campaign contribution"? Don't be stupid.
I ain't running for nothing.
I was just doing something to help a guy out.
To help a guy out? ARCHIE: That's right, little girl.
That's the American way.
If a guy's down, you don't kick him, you help him up.
Then you scratch his back and he scratches yours.
This is the scratch I just got.
Oh, don't be looking at me like a wounded sheep.
I gotta go down to the police station to pick up the wallet.
Now, before I go, could I have a beer? All right, Archie.
Daddy, what if the police find out that Mr.
Farrell paid you? Oh, I ain't splitting with them.
Let the cops make their own deal.
Your wallet will be brought down in a minute, Mr.
Bunker.
Well, jeez, it's about time, not that I wanna put the rush on you guys.
My cab's parked out there.
It don't make me no money sitting at the curb.
Wait over there, will you? Yeah, all right, all right.
Jeez, it's gonna take all night, this thing.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi there.
You must be working with Roselli, huh? What? Yeah, what have you got, another one of them grand larceny bums over there? What? Listen, I wanna tell you something.
I got a lot of respect for you guys, going around the way youse do with the long hair and them clothes like that, smelling like the river.
All I wanna say is you're doing a great job for the city there and I appreciate it.
Hey, Pete, you can bring him up now.
Okay.
On your feet.
Come on.
Uh, wait a minute! What's going on? What, are you the detective? That's right.
I thought you was the undercover man.
:What are you, some kind of a mental case? Oh, hello, Bunker.
Oh, hiya, Roselli, there.
Hey, why did you hang up on me like that? Oh, well, because we had a visitor in the house, and there was a lot going on.
Look, Roselli, I just come down to get my wallet, that's all.
Yeah, I know.
How come you dropped the charges against Andy Farrell? Well, I mean, after all, I don't wanna get an innocent kid in Dutch.
You know, I mean-- Well, you don't go around throwing human beings into the jug.
Why? You afraid you'd give the kid a trauma? I don't want a trauma to go on his record.
You know, it's a prank.
After all, when I was a kid, you know what I used to do? I used to steal hunks of ice off of the ice wagon.
You stole off a wagon? Forty years ago! Come on, there's a statue of libertations here.
I'm talking about a prank like this kid was a prank.
Well, it just happens to be the third prank that Andy Farrell has pulled on cab drivers this year.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, and the third time that the charge was suddenly dropped.
Oh.
Well, jeez, nobody told me that.
Well, that's too bad.
You could have held out for more.
Oh, now, wait a minute there, Roselli.
Don't be accusing me of taking a bribe.
You know what they call that? Definition of character.
Here's your wallet, Mr.
Bunker.
Sign here, please.
Yeah, well, I'll sign, but let me check it out first, huh? You know, I'm only sorry that we weren't able to get your money back too.
I can see that! Where's my 50 bucks? Oh, didn't I tell you? Andy Farrell, the boy who robbed you-- Oh, excuse me.
The boy who pulled a prank on you said the wallet was empty when he found it.
Hold it.
Hold it, he said what? Yeah, we thought it was strange too.
Especially since Andy was carrying a roll of 50 bucks on him when we picked him up.
Sure he was! That was my 50! Ain't that a coincidence! That's what I said to Chuck here.
I said, "Chuck, I'll bet you that's Mr.
Bunker's dough.
" You were right.
Then I said, "No, I must be wrong.
"How could I suspect a sweet, innocent young boy, especially when nobody's pressing charges?" Sign here, please.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I see what you police are doing here.
Okay.
There's the signature.
I gotta get back to my cab.
Oh, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah? Was that your cab parked out at the curb, 742-TA? Yeah, at the curb.
Why? You were parked in a no-standing zone.
They just towed away your cab.
They can't do that to me! I'm here on police business! I'm sorry, Mr.
Bunker.
You can reclaim it down at the pier.
Yeah, that's all right.
You just tell them I sent you, and they'll give it back to you.
They will? Sure.
For 50 bucks.
Fifty bucks? Look at this, from my wallet, I'm out 50 bucks and 50 bucks for the cab? It cost me $100 to walk into this joint! A hundred and twenty-five.
A hundred and twenty-five.
A hundred and twenty-five? What for? Twenty-five for the parking ticket you're gonna find on your windshield.
Oh, yeah.
All right for youse guys.
Tell you something else, this here is highway robbery.
No, Mr.
Bunker, this here is justice.
Hey! Hey, look at this! "Farrell attorney Morrison involved in $200,000 bribe attempt.
" Where's that? Let me see.
Morrison? Ain't that the lawyer that gave you the $100? Oh, holy cow.
Look at this! Two hundred thousand dollars.
What a dirty thief! Oh, you finally learned something.
Yeah, I sure did.
Don't ever take the first offer.
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.