All In The Family s07e13 Episode Script
The Baby Contest
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days You're nuts, Barney.
I done a lot of readin' on the subject.
Man of War is the greatest nag ever ran on four legs.
And I'm tellin' you Secretariat could take him carryin' Seabiscuit on his back.
Depends on the jock.
You put Willie the Shoe on any-- Hi, guys, how are ya? Oh, hi, Arch.
Hi, Arch.
Hiya, Barney, how ya doin'? Hey, Harry, come on, beer, huh? Yeah, comin' up.
I'm tellin' ya, Barney, you put Willie Shoemaker on any horse that's livin'-- I'm talking about Willie Shoemaker! He's two foot, two inches.
Willie Shoemaker? Ah, he ain't that small.
Where are ya, Barney? I'm talkin' about my little grandson Joey here.
Arch, the world ain't interested in the daily update on your grandson's height.
He sprang up a half an inch in the last three weeks.
If you're talking about a great horse, you're talking about Man of War.
This kid is strong, too, puttin' on weight every single day.
Secretariat was a good horse, too, but-- The other day I slipped him on the scale, see, and with a full diaper he's 24 pounds.
You figure you clean the kid up, he's still gotta be Look at this smile.
See that? Boy, that's what you call personality.
When he grows up and he gets teeth in that smile, he could have a career in politics.
Jeez, the dopey Democrats'll give him anything.
And, Barney, is he smart-- Look, Arch, we're pals, right? We're lodge brothers? Yeah.
So I listen when you tell me how you're the greatest cabbie in Queens, how you lift all them heavy crates down at work, and ain't never got a hernia.
That's all true, Barney.
Yeah, okay, now it's settled that your grandson is the greatest, so can we move on to more important topics? I mean, like if you go over to the bar and drink your beer, I'll pay for it.
Okay, Barney, you're on.
Any time you wanna buy a beer.
HARRY: Now let me straighten you out about-- But, listen, I wanna tell ya one more thing.
Now, Barney, you know, let me tell you this-- You're right about me, the way I talk too much about little Joey, but, listen, honest to God, fellas, look at that kid.
Now ain't that the cutest lookin' one-years-old anywheres around? I've had it with you.
Do you wanna see the cutest one-years-old grandchild in the world? Then lamp my little Linda there.
Oh, Barney, Barney, Barney, you took a picture of the naked child there? And you flash that around in a men's bar? Listen, Arch, if you had a body like that, you wouldn't wanna cover it up, either.
Nice, pudgy little cheeks there.
Yeah, all four of 'em.
Barney, I gotta tell you the truth there.
I think she's a little too plump there.
She's been hittin' the Oreos lately? Oh, yeah? Well, it looks to me like Joey's a little on the skinny side.
He ain't been sick, has he? Oh, come on, will ya? If you was as healthy as this kid, your doctor'd be in the poorhouse.
He'd be the only doctor in the poorhouse.
Let's hear it for the medical profession.
[EACH BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Now, listen, I want you to take a look at that high forehead there on Linda.
Do you know what that means? Intelligence, yeah, everybody knows that, Barney.
Joey's got a high forehead, too.
Joey's bald.
Don't say that, Barney.
He ain't bald.
He just ain't got too much hair.
That's what I say.
He's got too much face.
What do you mean by that? I mean don't ever set him on a pool table, Arch, 'cause someone might shoot him into the corner pocket.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Now, I ain't gonna stand for that.
Ah, take it easy, Arch.
What do you mean, "take it easy"? This guy just stepped across the chalk-line here.
Oh, is that so? Says who? Says me.
Says you? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Hey, listen, Barney, you know, the tone of voice of that last "yeah" could lose you an old friendship, see? It could lose you a little bridgework, too.
Ah, come on, this is the stupidest thing I ever seen, two old buddies fightin' about who's got the best-lookin' grandchild.
I ain't fightin' about nothin'.
I know who's got the most beautifulest grandchild here.
Anybody would say the same thing.
You go out, you ask any 99 out of 100 people off the streets of New York and see what they say, barring the South Bronx where no English is spoke They say the same thing as me! Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove that my little girl is the most beautiful, because she's entered in the beautiful baby contest in the Flushing Tribune.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, uh, suppose I was to tell you that little Joey is entered into the same contest.
Since when? Since, uh, tomorrow.
Ha, I got ya, it's too late.
The contest is closed tomorrow.
No it ain't.
no it ain't too late.
Listen, Hank Pivnik knows them people on that Flushing Tribune, and we can make a phone call and get little Joey in under the wire there, buddy.
Well, I hope you can, pal.
You know why? Because then it'll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt who's got the most beautiful baby.
Why don't you put your money where your big mouth is, huh? I'll bet you anything you wanna bet.
Money, come on.
I'll bet you $1,000.
All right, you're on.
Uh, let's make it $25.
Don't talk crazy.
Say ten.
That's a bet! You got it! Put 'er there! I want you here with the green.
I'll be here.
I don't wanna have to go to Hauser Street.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'll be back here with my money.
You just remember, you better be back here with your money to pay off the bet! Hey, Arch, he's gone.
Get out of here, Barney, or I'll belt ya! EDITH: Come on, now, just a few more.
Smile for Grandpa.
But first fluff up his hair a little bit there, huh, Edith? Make it look like he's got more, huh? Here you are.
There.
Ain't that a shame? Well, they can't blame you and me for that, Edith.
You're gonna win the Flushing Tribune beautiful baby contest, so smile again for Grandpa.
Look! D-Don't do that.
That ain't gonna get a child to smile.
You'll make him scream with that stuff.
Focus the camera here.
All right.
Okay now.
There's Joey.
Hi, Joey, look this way.
Now, don't move, don't move.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
I got him.
Perfect.
There's not a movement on him there.
Oh, wait a minute.
I ain't so sure.
Oh, yes, there is! Oh, Edith, get him out of the area, huh? Oh.
I'll never figure that kid out.
He takes on three meals a day, and he leaves off five.
Now, come on and kiss Grandpa goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Not now, huh, Edith there? It burns my eyes.
Who's my little hoosie? Who's my turtle-dove? BOTH: Who's my little hoosie? Who do you love? Ba-ba-ba-- Hello, is that the Flushing Tribune there? Uh, yes, could I speak to the individual who's in charge of the beautiful baby contest please? Ma, I brought you over an apple pie.
What happened? There's only half a pie here.
You shouldn't have left me alone with it.
Shush over here, will ya? I'm on the horn.
Your mother's upstairs changing the child.
Hey, honey, look at all these new pictures of Joey.
Now, leave them alone.
Leave them alone, now.
Hello, hello? Uh, a friend of mine, Hank Pivnik told me to call up and ask for a Harley Benson there.
Oh, are you Harley? Yeah, well, it's about the beautiful baby contest-- What do you mean you're gonna print the winning picture in the paper? How you gonna do that when I got the winning picture with me? Huh? Yeah, well, that's what I mean, if there's still time.
Yeah, I can get over there in an hour, sure.
Hop on a Northern Boulevard bus.
I'll be right over there.
Hey, hey, Harley, hold the presses, huh? Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, Arch, what is this? "Entry form.
Beautiful baby contest"? None of your business, none of your business here.
Arch, you're not entering my son in some silly sweepstakes to prove who's got the most dimples.
And why not? Daddy, you know how we feel about contests.
Oh, "how you feel.
" How is it young marrieds today have to sit down and decide how they feel about everything, huh? What do you got against your little son being selected the most beautiful baby in Queens? Daddy, we already know he's beautiful.
We don't need a blue ribbon pinned on his little tush to prove it.
Besides, he's only a year old.
That's my whole point.
He's been here a year, he ain't won nothin' yet.
Yeah, he's been layin' around for a whole year, instead of out lookin' for a job.
Uh, let me ask you somethin', Meathead.
How is it that certain people with a college education turn out to be so ignorant? Now, I'm not mentioning any names.
I'll just look at the party and whistle.
[WHISTLES.]
Don't you know that we had competition in mankind since back time im--immoral there? Back when the Christians is fighting the lions? You call that competition? You're damn right, and a tough competition it was, too.
Compe--That's where they get the expression, the sudden-death overtime.
Daddy, if it's important for Joey to be a winner at something, the least important victory is how he looks.
She's right, Arch.
She is wrong! And I like these things.
I like all kinds of contests.
I like beauty contests.
I love the Miss America contest.
Ah, beauty contests are the silliest of all.
Oh, there she is Miss America Stop that, you.
Boy, you have sank to a pretty new low-- running down one of our sacredest national traditions.
Boy, I wanna tell ya-- and if it wasn't for Miss America, Atlantic City could be sold to Cuba.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The decision of the judges is in, and we are about to announce the new Miss America! [SQUEALS.]
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the former Miss Cotton Maid of Alabama, the former Miss Potato Maid of Idaho, and the former Miss Minute Maid of Florida.
Here she is, the new Miss America, Miss Billie Joe Boobs! [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
This is the happiest moment of my life.
I accept this prestigious award on behalf of my overpowering beauty, and for all you losers, tough you-know-whattie.
And now, to prove that I am more than just gorgeous, for my talent selection, I have chosen the "William Tell Overture," which I shall play with my ten tiny little fingers on my prize-winning face.
[PLAYS OVERTURE.]
EDITH: Archie! And here is last year's Miss America, fresh from her worldwide tour selling charm, the American dream, and one ton of depilatory cream.
Her Majesty speaks.
Have you seen the air-freshener? No, but we could use a little of it down here.
Oh, Gloria, you look so funny.
What are ya doin'? She's doin' her best to run down everything that's fine and American.
Oh, Daddy, we just don't want Joey competing like a prize rooster at the county fair.
Listen, little girl, I got some news for you, and you, too, Meathead-- this ain't no competition at all, 'cause Joey's gonna win this thing hands down over all them other little babies, and particularly Barney Hefner's little granddaughter Linda.
Oh, so that's the only reason you're doing this.
You wanna rub your good friend Barney's nose in the dirt.
I don't care where Barney's nose goes, as long as his dough goes into my pocket, and therefore these pictures goes to the Flushing Tribune.
Wrong.
You're gonna have to send the paper a reasonable facsimile, 'cause I'm takin' these.
Uh, my property there, Meathead.
Gloria, go get Joey, and let's get him out of here.
You'll get the pictures back after the contest.
But, wait, you don't care if I win a $10 bet with Barney, huh? No, I don't, Arch.
In the words of our newly-crowned Miss America, [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
"tough you-know-whattie.
" Hey, Meathead, you forgot somethin' there.
What? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Okay.
With that fanfare, Edith, I'm off to Flushing.
Archie, Mike and Gloria don't want Joey in the contest.
You got no right to put him in.
Oh, no? Why not? Well, you shouldn't go against the parent's wishes.
Talkin' about? You done that when you married me, and everything turned out swell, didn't it? Why do you always hesitate over them kinda questions? No, I ain't thinkin' about that.
I'm thinkin' about the contest.
I'm glad Mike took them pictures away from ya.
Oh, Edith, so am I.
I'm glad he got all of them pictures, as long as he left me with the winner.
Oh, give me that picture.
Ah, no, no.
Oh, no, Edith.
You ain't gettin' that picture.
Now, stop, stop.
Now, don't be silly, will you? Ed--Edith! Edith, for God sakes, the neighbors'll think you're a wild woman.
My vote for most beautiful baby is Baby Joey.
Signed Well, let's see who the hell we got here.
All these Cohens.
Jeez, look at this.
There's a million Cohens here.
They own New York.
Well, now, let's see.
Cohen, Albert, attorney at law.
What the hell? Sue me, Al.
Archie! Joey got into the finals! That was hot news this morning, Edith.
Well, I got lots of papers, and I'm gonna send his picture to all the relatives.
Do you have to do that? Do you have to remind your relatives that we're still alive? Oh, they're gonna love it, and maybe they'll all vote for Joey.
They can't vote, Edith! Your relatives all live over in Jersey with all the other people who don't care nothing about life.
Just help me out here.
Take this scissors, take this pile of papers, and cut out these voting blanks here for me, that's all.
Archie, you're only supposed to vote once! I only voted once, and all these people here are entitled to vote once.
Archie, that's cheatin'! But how am I supposed to protect myself from a dishonest guy like Barney Hefner? Archie, you ought to let our friends send in their own votes! Edith, never trust a friend.
Sybil Gouley says she's gonna send in her vote for Joey.
Please tell her to send in a different name, will ya? I already sent her vote in there.
I already sent in a vote, too, for her mother, old lady McGuire, who had the stroke.
Archie, that poor old woman has been dead for years.
You knew that.
You went to her funeral.
Edith, I couldn't swear to that.
I never checked the box.
Where is he? I'm sick and tired of you meddling in how I raise my son! First you sneak him off to church-- you have him baptized, then you give him a gun for his birthday! Now, without anybody's permission, you got his face plastered on every doorstep in Queens in a stupid baby contest! Ooh, well, bless my soul.
Edith, I do believe your big-mouthed son-in-law is payin' you a visit.
Oh, Mike, please don't be mad.
Archie didn't mean no harm.
He just wants Joey to win, that's all.
He wants him to win, too, he don't want to admit it.
You see, Joey wins that contest, he'll have his chest puffed out bigger than "Raquel Walsh.
" And the prize is a $100 bond.
Yes, $100 set aside for little Joey for a fine thing.
Yeah, his education.
For bowling equipment, Edith.
Wait a second, wait a second.
What do you got here? "Judge Vanderbart?" That's right.
You put down Judge Vanderbart's name? Why not? Arch, you can't have him vote-- Don't tell me nothin', will you? I voted for Judge Vanderbart, didn't I? So now it's time for Judge Vanderbart to vote for us.
I don't know what I'm doin' here, talkin' to a man who in the last election didn't like Ford, That's right.
didn't like Carter, Right.
so he wrote in "Richard Nixon.
" Damn right.
Do whatever you want, Arch.
Do whatever you want.
I don't care! Live with that, buddy! Live with that! Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"? I just tell him that to drive him nuts.
You wanna know the truth? I wrote in "Reagan.
" "My vote is for baby Joey, Signed Gloria Stivic.
" Oh, boy.
Hi, honey.
I just came from your father's.
Hmm.
Can you fix me something to calm my nerves? You mean you want a drink? No, a sandwich.
Oh, well, I'll fix you one later.
Gloria, wait a minute.
What are you doing here? I thought we decided against baby contests.
Well, yeah, we did, but have you seen this picture of Joey? I know what my son looks like.
Honey, look, there's no comparison.
I mean, these other kids are cute, but Joey's beautiful.
Gloria, that's not the point.
I have to vote for him.
I'm his mother! And even if I wasn't his mother, I'd still vote for him over these other four yucky kids.
You know, you're the only girl in the world that's got an umbilical cord attached to her father.
Case closed.
You don't want Joey to win.
Oh, well then, who do I want to win? Joey's mother.
Me? Sure.
I can hear it in the supermarket-- "Aren't you the lady whose baby won the beauty contest?" "Yes, and he's got my looks! Isn't he beautiful?!" It's ridiculous.
All right, but let me ask you one question, Michael.
How are you gonna feel if Joey loses by just one vote? One vote? Yeah, yours.
Hey, Hank, why don't you call your friend at the Tribune, see if you can get some information on how the voting's going? Yeah, do that, huh? He said he'd call us as soon as the ballots are counted.
Yeah, but when's that gonna happen? Oh, hi, professor.
Oh, you got The Flushing Tribune there, huh? That's right.
How's the baby contest comin'? Oh, just kinda curious.
Oh, we know you're curious.
You're here because you know we're gettin' the results here.
All right, all right, he's my son, my flesh and blood.
Yeah, thank God he ain't got your face.
BARNEY: Hey, throw me a beer, will ya, Harry? Oh, Barney.
Oh, look at this guy.
Down here to drown your sorrows, Arch? Oh, no.
No, no, I'm here to make sure I get my ten simoleons out of you when I win that bet, 'cause your baby Linda ain't gonna win.
She's too fat to win.
Few years time, she's gonna be a teenage bus.
Well, all I gotta say is, it's too bad it wasn't a baldy contest.
Oh, you hear that? He's always on the baldy thing over here.
You're gonna lose an old friend that way, Barney.
See? That's competition for ya.
Two best friends ready to bust each other in the chops over who's got the most beautiful grandchild.
Hey, you know what just occurred to me about little Joey? I mean, since he's got them long, beautiful eyelashes, you should have entered him as a baldy girl.
You hear that?! Hey, watch what you're saying there, Barney, that's my son! Yeah, that's his son.
You deserve a belt in the jaw for that.
Who's gonna belt me? The father here.
Go ahead, hit him below the belt.
He's over the hill.
Hey, break it up.
Break it up.
Between the three of ya's, I'm gonna lose my license.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, get the phone! This could be the contest! Hello? Yeah, Harley? Shh.
The finals are comin' in.
Who, who, who? Yeah? Yeah? MIKE: Come on, baby Joey.
Come on, Joey, you can do it! Yeah? Come on, Joe! Baby Joey? He did it, Arch! He did it! The winner? And baby Linda? A dead heat? Two of them? They was both disqualified.
Disqualified? What the hell for? Too many phony votes.
Too many phony grandfathers.
What do you mean by that? Baby Alexis wins.
ARCHIE: How could that happen? MIKE: Thanks a lot, Arch.
You lost it for Joey.
It's your fault.
Don't tell me that.
I did not lose it for Joey.
Who asked you to come down here, anyway? And you're gonna get Reagan in 1980, wise guy! And I know the answer to this! I know the answer well! Somebody around here's been doin' a lot of cheatin'! Me cheatin'? What about you cheatin'? One topic at a time, buddy.
Yeah, goodbye, Harley.
Well, Hank, how'd they find out? Well, the boys down at the Tribune figured something was fishy.
Hey, Barney, did you sign a vote with Judge Vanderbart's name for baby Linda? Oh.
Well, yeah, yeah, the Judge is a fine man.
That's the dumbest move you ever made.
I signed Judge Vanderbart's name, too.
Well, how was I supposed to know that? Check with me, will you? Well, youse both made a mistake.
Three weeks ago they threw Judge Vanderbart in jail.
Oh, jail, oh.
Jail? Can you believe that? Oh, yes, Barney, I certainly can.
Listen, nowadays we gotta face one important fact of life-- all us Republicans ain't clean.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
I done a lot of readin' on the subject.
Man of War is the greatest nag ever ran on four legs.
And I'm tellin' you Secretariat could take him carryin' Seabiscuit on his back.
Depends on the jock.
You put Willie the Shoe on any-- Hi, guys, how are ya? Oh, hi, Arch.
Hi, Arch.
Hiya, Barney, how ya doin'? Hey, Harry, come on, beer, huh? Yeah, comin' up.
I'm tellin' ya, Barney, you put Willie Shoemaker on any horse that's livin'-- I'm talking about Willie Shoemaker! He's two foot, two inches.
Willie Shoemaker? Ah, he ain't that small.
Where are ya, Barney? I'm talkin' about my little grandson Joey here.
Arch, the world ain't interested in the daily update on your grandson's height.
He sprang up a half an inch in the last three weeks.
If you're talking about a great horse, you're talking about Man of War.
This kid is strong, too, puttin' on weight every single day.
Secretariat was a good horse, too, but-- The other day I slipped him on the scale, see, and with a full diaper he's 24 pounds.
You figure you clean the kid up, he's still gotta be Look at this smile.
See that? Boy, that's what you call personality.
When he grows up and he gets teeth in that smile, he could have a career in politics.
Jeez, the dopey Democrats'll give him anything.
And, Barney, is he smart-- Look, Arch, we're pals, right? We're lodge brothers? Yeah.
So I listen when you tell me how you're the greatest cabbie in Queens, how you lift all them heavy crates down at work, and ain't never got a hernia.
That's all true, Barney.
Yeah, okay, now it's settled that your grandson is the greatest, so can we move on to more important topics? I mean, like if you go over to the bar and drink your beer, I'll pay for it.
Okay, Barney, you're on.
Any time you wanna buy a beer.
HARRY: Now let me straighten you out about-- But, listen, I wanna tell ya one more thing.
Now, Barney, you know, let me tell you this-- You're right about me, the way I talk too much about little Joey, but, listen, honest to God, fellas, look at that kid.
Now ain't that the cutest lookin' one-years-old anywheres around? I've had it with you.
Do you wanna see the cutest one-years-old grandchild in the world? Then lamp my little Linda there.
Oh, Barney, Barney, Barney, you took a picture of the naked child there? And you flash that around in a men's bar? Listen, Arch, if you had a body like that, you wouldn't wanna cover it up, either.
Nice, pudgy little cheeks there.
Yeah, all four of 'em.
Barney, I gotta tell you the truth there.
I think she's a little too plump there.
She's been hittin' the Oreos lately? Oh, yeah? Well, it looks to me like Joey's a little on the skinny side.
He ain't been sick, has he? Oh, come on, will ya? If you was as healthy as this kid, your doctor'd be in the poorhouse.
He'd be the only doctor in the poorhouse.
Let's hear it for the medical profession.
[EACH BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Now, listen, I want you to take a look at that high forehead there on Linda.
Do you know what that means? Intelligence, yeah, everybody knows that, Barney.
Joey's got a high forehead, too.
Joey's bald.
Don't say that, Barney.
He ain't bald.
He just ain't got too much hair.
That's what I say.
He's got too much face.
What do you mean by that? I mean don't ever set him on a pool table, Arch, 'cause someone might shoot him into the corner pocket.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Now, I ain't gonna stand for that.
Ah, take it easy, Arch.
What do you mean, "take it easy"? This guy just stepped across the chalk-line here.
Oh, is that so? Says who? Says me.
Says you? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Hey, listen, Barney, you know, the tone of voice of that last "yeah" could lose you an old friendship, see? It could lose you a little bridgework, too.
Ah, come on, this is the stupidest thing I ever seen, two old buddies fightin' about who's got the best-lookin' grandchild.
I ain't fightin' about nothin'.
I know who's got the most beautifulest grandchild here.
Anybody would say the same thing.
You go out, you ask any 99 out of 100 people off the streets of New York and see what they say, barring the South Bronx where no English is spoke They say the same thing as me! Oh, yeah? Well, I can prove that my little girl is the most beautiful, because she's entered in the beautiful baby contest in the Flushing Tribune.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, uh, suppose I was to tell you that little Joey is entered into the same contest.
Since when? Since, uh, tomorrow.
Ha, I got ya, it's too late.
The contest is closed tomorrow.
No it ain't.
no it ain't too late.
Listen, Hank Pivnik knows them people on that Flushing Tribune, and we can make a phone call and get little Joey in under the wire there, buddy.
Well, I hope you can, pal.
You know why? Because then it'll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt who's got the most beautiful baby.
Why don't you put your money where your big mouth is, huh? I'll bet you anything you wanna bet.
Money, come on.
I'll bet you $1,000.
All right, you're on.
Uh, let's make it $25.
Don't talk crazy.
Say ten.
That's a bet! You got it! Put 'er there! I want you here with the green.
I'll be here.
I don't wanna have to go to Hauser Street.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'll be back here with my money.
You just remember, you better be back here with your money to pay off the bet! Hey, Arch, he's gone.
Get out of here, Barney, or I'll belt ya! EDITH: Come on, now, just a few more.
Smile for Grandpa.
But first fluff up his hair a little bit there, huh, Edith? Make it look like he's got more, huh? Here you are.
There.
Ain't that a shame? Well, they can't blame you and me for that, Edith.
You're gonna win the Flushing Tribune beautiful baby contest, so smile again for Grandpa.
Look! D-Don't do that.
That ain't gonna get a child to smile.
You'll make him scream with that stuff.
Focus the camera here.
All right.
Okay now.
There's Joey.
Hi, Joey, look this way.
Now, don't move, don't move.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
I got him.
Perfect.
There's not a movement on him there.
Oh, wait a minute.
I ain't so sure.
Oh, yes, there is! Oh, Edith, get him out of the area, huh? Oh.
I'll never figure that kid out.
He takes on three meals a day, and he leaves off five.
Now, come on and kiss Grandpa goodbye.
Bye-bye.
Not now, huh, Edith there? It burns my eyes.
Who's my little hoosie? Who's my turtle-dove? BOTH: Who's my little hoosie? Who do you love? Ba-ba-ba-- Hello, is that the Flushing Tribune there? Uh, yes, could I speak to the individual who's in charge of the beautiful baby contest please? Ma, I brought you over an apple pie.
What happened? There's only half a pie here.
You shouldn't have left me alone with it.
Shush over here, will ya? I'm on the horn.
Your mother's upstairs changing the child.
Hey, honey, look at all these new pictures of Joey.
Now, leave them alone.
Leave them alone, now.
Hello, hello? Uh, a friend of mine, Hank Pivnik told me to call up and ask for a Harley Benson there.
Oh, are you Harley? Yeah, well, it's about the beautiful baby contest-- What do you mean you're gonna print the winning picture in the paper? How you gonna do that when I got the winning picture with me? Huh? Yeah, well, that's what I mean, if there's still time.
Yeah, I can get over there in an hour, sure.
Hop on a Northern Boulevard bus.
I'll be right over there.
Hey, hey, Harley, hold the presses, huh? Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, Arch, what is this? "Entry form.
Beautiful baby contest"? None of your business, none of your business here.
Arch, you're not entering my son in some silly sweepstakes to prove who's got the most dimples.
And why not? Daddy, you know how we feel about contests.
Oh, "how you feel.
" How is it young marrieds today have to sit down and decide how they feel about everything, huh? What do you got against your little son being selected the most beautiful baby in Queens? Daddy, we already know he's beautiful.
We don't need a blue ribbon pinned on his little tush to prove it.
Besides, he's only a year old.
That's my whole point.
He's been here a year, he ain't won nothin' yet.
Yeah, he's been layin' around for a whole year, instead of out lookin' for a job.
Uh, let me ask you somethin', Meathead.
How is it that certain people with a college education turn out to be so ignorant? Now, I'm not mentioning any names.
I'll just look at the party and whistle.
[WHISTLES.]
Don't you know that we had competition in mankind since back time im--immoral there? Back when the Christians is fighting the lions? You call that competition? You're damn right, and a tough competition it was, too.
Compe--That's where they get the expression, the sudden-death overtime.
Daddy, if it's important for Joey to be a winner at something, the least important victory is how he looks.
She's right, Arch.
She is wrong! And I like these things.
I like all kinds of contests.
I like beauty contests.
I love the Miss America contest.
Ah, beauty contests are the silliest of all.
Oh, there she is Miss America Stop that, you.
Boy, you have sank to a pretty new low-- running down one of our sacredest national traditions.
Boy, I wanna tell ya-- and if it wasn't for Miss America, Atlantic City could be sold to Cuba.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The decision of the judges is in, and we are about to announce the new Miss America! [SQUEALS.]
Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the former Miss Cotton Maid of Alabama, the former Miss Potato Maid of Idaho, and the former Miss Minute Maid of Florida.
Here she is, the new Miss America, Miss Billie Joe Boobs! [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
This is the happiest moment of my life.
I accept this prestigious award on behalf of my overpowering beauty, and for all you losers, tough you-know-whattie.
And now, to prove that I am more than just gorgeous, for my talent selection, I have chosen the "William Tell Overture," which I shall play with my ten tiny little fingers on my prize-winning face.
[PLAYS OVERTURE.]
EDITH: Archie! And here is last year's Miss America, fresh from her worldwide tour selling charm, the American dream, and one ton of depilatory cream.
Her Majesty speaks.
Have you seen the air-freshener? No, but we could use a little of it down here.
Oh, Gloria, you look so funny.
What are ya doin'? She's doin' her best to run down everything that's fine and American.
Oh, Daddy, we just don't want Joey competing like a prize rooster at the county fair.
Listen, little girl, I got some news for you, and you, too, Meathead-- this ain't no competition at all, 'cause Joey's gonna win this thing hands down over all them other little babies, and particularly Barney Hefner's little granddaughter Linda.
Oh, so that's the only reason you're doing this.
You wanna rub your good friend Barney's nose in the dirt.
I don't care where Barney's nose goes, as long as his dough goes into my pocket, and therefore these pictures goes to the Flushing Tribune.
Wrong.
You're gonna have to send the paper a reasonable facsimile, 'cause I'm takin' these.
Uh, my property there, Meathead.
Gloria, go get Joey, and let's get him out of here.
You'll get the pictures back after the contest.
But, wait, you don't care if I win a $10 bet with Barney, huh? No, I don't, Arch.
In the words of our newly-crowned Miss America, [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
"tough you-know-whattie.
" Hey, Meathead, you forgot somethin' there.
What? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Okay.
With that fanfare, Edith, I'm off to Flushing.
Archie, Mike and Gloria don't want Joey in the contest.
You got no right to put him in.
Oh, no? Why not? Well, you shouldn't go against the parent's wishes.
Talkin' about? You done that when you married me, and everything turned out swell, didn't it? Why do you always hesitate over them kinda questions? No, I ain't thinkin' about that.
I'm thinkin' about the contest.
I'm glad Mike took them pictures away from ya.
Oh, Edith, so am I.
I'm glad he got all of them pictures, as long as he left me with the winner.
Oh, give me that picture.
Ah, no, no.
Oh, no, Edith.
You ain't gettin' that picture.
Now, stop, stop.
Now, don't be silly, will you? Ed--Edith! Edith, for God sakes, the neighbors'll think you're a wild woman.
My vote for most beautiful baby is Baby Joey.
Signed Well, let's see who the hell we got here.
All these Cohens.
Jeez, look at this.
There's a million Cohens here.
They own New York.
Well, now, let's see.
Cohen, Albert, attorney at law.
What the hell? Sue me, Al.
Archie! Joey got into the finals! That was hot news this morning, Edith.
Well, I got lots of papers, and I'm gonna send his picture to all the relatives.
Do you have to do that? Do you have to remind your relatives that we're still alive? Oh, they're gonna love it, and maybe they'll all vote for Joey.
They can't vote, Edith! Your relatives all live over in Jersey with all the other people who don't care nothing about life.
Just help me out here.
Take this scissors, take this pile of papers, and cut out these voting blanks here for me, that's all.
Archie, you're only supposed to vote once! I only voted once, and all these people here are entitled to vote once.
Archie, that's cheatin'! But how am I supposed to protect myself from a dishonest guy like Barney Hefner? Archie, you ought to let our friends send in their own votes! Edith, never trust a friend.
Sybil Gouley says she's gonna send in her vote for Joey.
Please tell her to send in a different name, will ya? I already sent her vote in there.
I already sent in a vote, too, for her mother, old lady McGuire, who had the stroke.
Archie, that poor old woman has been dead for years.
You knew that.
You went to her funeral.
Edith, I couldn't swear to that.
I never checked the box.
Where is he? I'm sick and tired of you meddling in how I raise my son! First you sneak him off to church-- you have him baptized, then you give him a gun for his birthday! Now, without anybody's permission, you got his face plastered on every doorstep in Queens in a stupid baby contest! Ooh, well, bless my soul.
Edith, I do believe your big-mouthed son-in-law is payin' you a visit.
Oh, Mike, please don't be mad.
Archie didn't mean no harm.
He just wants Joey to win, that's all.
He wants him to win, too, he don't want to admit it.
You see, Joey wins that contest, he'll have his chest puffed out bigger than "Raquel Walsh.
" And the prize is a $100 bond.
Yes, $100 set aside for little Joey for a fine thing.
Yeah, his education.
For bowling equipment, Edith.
Wait a second, wait a second.
What do you got here? "Judge Vanderbart?" That's right.
You put down Judge Vanderbart's name? Why not? Arch, you can't have him vote-- Don't tell me nothin', will you? I voted for Judge Vanderbart, didn't I? So now it's time for Judge Vanderbart to vote for us.
I don't know what I'm doin' here, talkin' to a man who in the last election didn't like Ford, That's right.
didn't like Carter, Right.
so he wrote in "Richard Nixon.
" Damn right.
Do whatever you want, Arch.
Do whatever you want.
I don't care! Live with that, buddy! Live with that! Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"? I just tell him that to drive him nuts.
You wanna know the truth? I wrote in "Reagan.
" "My vote is for baby Joey, Signed Gloria Stivic.
" Oh, boy.
Hi, honey.
I just came from your father's.
Hmm.
Can you fix me something to calm my nerves? You mean you want a drink? No, a sandwich.
Oh, well, I'll fix you one later.
Gloria, wait a minute.
What are you doing here? I thought we decided against baby contests.
Well, yeah, we did, but have you seen this picture of Joey? I know what my son looks like.
Honey, look, there's no comparison.
I mean, these other kids are cute, but Joey's beautiful.
Gloria, that's not the point.
I have to vote for him.
I'm his mother! And even if I wasn't his mother, I'd still vote for him over these other four yucky kids.
You know, you're the only girl in the world that's got an umbilical cord attached to her father.
Case closed.
You don't want Joey to win.
Oh, well then, who do I want to win? Joey's mother.
Me? Sure.
I can hear it in the supermarket-- "Aren't you the lady whose baby won the beauty contest?" "Yes, and he's got my looks! Isn't he beautiful?!" It's ridiculous.
All right, but let me ask you one question, Michael.
How are you gonna feel if Joey loses by just one vote? One vote? Yeah, yours.
Hey, Hank, why don't you call your friend at the Tribune, see if you can get some information on how the voting's going? Yeah, do that, huh? He said he'd call us as soon as the ballots are counted.
Yeah, but when's that gonna happen? Oh, hi, professor.
Oh, you got The Flushing Tribune there, huh? That's right.
How's the baby contest comin'? Oh, just kinda curious.
Oh, we know you're curious.
You're here because you know we're gettin' the results here.
All right, all right, he's my son, my flesh and blood.
Yeah, thank God he ain't got your face.
BARNEY: Hey, throw me a beer, will ya, Harry? Oh, Barney.
Oh, look at this guy.
Down here to drown your sorrows, Arch? Oh, no.
No, no, I'm here to make sure I get my ten simoleons out of you when I win that bet, 'cause your baby Linda ain't gonna win.
She's too fat to win.
Few years time, she's gonna be a teenage bus.
Well, all I gotta say is, it's too bad it wasn't a baldy contest.
Oh, you hear that? He's always on the baldy thing over here.
You're gonna lose an old friend that way, Barney.
See? That's competition for ya.
Two best friends ready to bust each other in the chops over who's got the most beautiful grandchild.
Hey, you know what just occurred to me about little Joey? I mean, since he's got them long, beautiful eyelashes, you should have entered him as a baldy girl.
You hear that?! Hey, watch what you're saying there, Barney, that's my son! Yeah, that's his son.
You deserve a belt in the jaw for that.
Who's gonna belt me? The father here.
Go ahead, hit him below the belt.
He's over the hill.
Hey, break it up.
Break it up.
Between the three of ya's, I'm gonna lose my license.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, get the phone! This could be the contest! Hello? Yeah, Harley? Shh.
The finals are comin' in.
Who, who, who? Yeah? Yeah? MIKE: Come on, baby Joey.
Come on, Joey, you can do it! Yeah? Come on, Joe! Baby Joey? He did it, Arch! He did it! The winner? And baby Linda? A dead heat? Two of them? They was both disqualified.
Disqualified? What the hell for? Too many phony votes.
Too many phony grandfathers.
What do you mean by that? Baby Alexis wins.
ARCHIE: How could that happen? MIKE: Thanks a lot, Arch.
You lost it for Joey.
It's your fault.
Don't tell me that.
I did not lose it for Joey.
Who asked you to come down here, anyway? And you're gonna get Reagan in 1980, wise guy! And I know the answer to this! I know the answer well! Somebody around here's been doin' a lot of cheatin'! Me cheatin'? What about you cheatin'? One topic at a time, buddy.
Yeah, goodbye, Harley.
Well, Hank, how'd they find out? Well, the boys down at the Tribune figured something was fishy.
Hey, Barney, did you sign a vote with Judge Vanderbart's name for baby Linda? Oh.
Well, yeah, yeah, the Judge is a fine man.
That's the dumbest move you ever made.
I signed Judge Vanderbart's name, too.
Well, how was I supposed to know that? Check with me, will you? Well, youse both made a mistake.
Three weeks ago they threw Judge Vanderbart in jail.
Oh, jail, oh.
Jail? Can you believe that? Oh, yes, Barney, I certainly can.
Listen, nowadays we gotta face one important fact of life-- all us Republicans ain't clean.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.