All In The Family s07e17 Episode Script
Archie's Chair
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [EDITH HUMMING.]
Oh, hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
Hey, Ma tell me-- Gloria already gave me her opinion.
Tell me what you think.
About what? Ma, look at me.
Are you gonna sneeze? No, Ma! I shaved off my mustache.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my goodness, let me see.
Oh, my, it makes your head look fatter.
That's what Gloria's been telling me.
She's been laughing all morning.
Oh, oh, but it's a nice fat head.
I mean, well, now your upper lip matches your lower lip.
What made you shave it off? How can I explain it Did you ever have a table that wobbled? Oh, all my life.
You got one leg longer than the other, so you cut it down to make them all even, but the next thing you know you got the other three legs are now too long, so you cut them down to make it even.
And pretty soon, with all the cutting and trying to make it even you got no table at all.
Oh, Mike, I hope it wasn't the table we gave you for a wedding present.
Ma, do you have any coffee? Yeah, sure.
And do you mind if I drink it in the living room? Oh, no.
I want to catch Sesame Street.
I thought that was for little kids.
It is, but they got a great show on today about the letter Z.
Besides, I heard that Big Bird's gonna lay an egg today.
Oh.
[WOOD CRACKS.]
Oh, no! I broke the chair! I broke the chair! I broke Archie's chair! I broke his chair! Yeah, but you coulda broke something.
I did! I broke his chair! Ma, I feel terrible! I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident.
It was an accident, wasn't it, Ma? Archie's gonna go crazy! Ma, what are you gonna tell him? I don't know, Mike.
His chair is his favorite place in the whole world.
Good morning.
EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
- What happened? - I broke Archie's chair! Oh, that's awful! How did-- Ha ha ha ha ha! What are you laughing at? I'm sorry, Michael, but you look so funny without anything on your upper lip.
Will you forget about that?! Do ya think we'll be able to fix it? Oh, yeah, sure.
We'll just get some glue and put it back on.
Won't it come off in the shower? Ha ha ha ha! Who would want to put a chair in the shower? No, your mustache! Will you forget about the mustache?! - What are we gonna do about the chair? - Yeah! Well, I can call my friend Andy in Kressler's furniture department.
- Yeah, call him.
- He can probably take care of it today.
It'll probably cost a little more, but they'll pick up and deliver.
I don't care how much it costs, just do it.
Do you think he can fix it before your father gets home? Oh, sure, Andy works fast, and it's still early.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Will you stop laughing? It's not that funny.
Yes, it is.
I just noticed that your nostrils are uneven.
EDITH: But you promised, Andy.
Well, that ain't fair.
Well, it's 6:30 now, and you promised that my husband's chair would be here an hour ago.
And now he's gonna walk through the door any minute and he's gonna blow up! What am I gonna do? No.
I don't want to go to an all-night movie.
Ma, Daddy's coming! He just rounded the corner! Did you hear that? You call me back! Gloria, what are you doing? If I put this here maybe Daddy won't notice, at least not right away.
Oh, no, your father'll notice.
Ma, be positive.
I am positive-- your father'll notice it! Maybe the truck got held up in traffic.
ARCHIE: Hey, Hefner, your dog is killin' my lawn again! Ma, here's what you do.
You just distract Daddy and keep him out of the living room - until the truck comes by.
- Where are you going? I gotta go home, 'cause I don't want to be here for Daddy to blame me.
But it ain't your fault.
Yes, it is.
I married Michael! Ohhh Oh, yeah.
Oh, hi, Archie.
Are you ready to go? Where the hell are we goin'? Next door for 20 minutes.
What for?! To look at Joey's tooth.
I seen Joey's tooth.
Yeah, but it got longer today.
Out of the way, will you, Edith? Let a tired man get into his house and get off his feet.
How was your day? Stinko.
Did did you like your lunch? No, I hated it.
Did you get a seat on the subway? Are you kiddin'? I got a seat on the subway nine years ago when the train went on fire and everybody run like hell.
Let me go, will ya? I just wanna go get myself a smoke.
Ah Archie, come on out in the kitchen with me! - Huh? Come on.
- Edith, Edith-- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Edith, please.
I don't wanna talk.
At 11:00 a.
m.
today I said all I want to say to everybody in this world.
Hold it, hold it, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ain't there somethin' funny in here? Uh, no, no.
Uh, uh, did you do something to your hair? Yeah, I fluffed it up.
No, no, that ain't it.
No, there's something peculiar, whatever the hell it is here.
It's spooky.
Let's go in the kitchen.
Yeah, let's go in the kitchen! Oh, jeez, the heel! You got the heel.
You got the heel.
Oh, you Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Did you put new curtains on them windows out there? Well, about eight years ago.
That must be it.
Get me a beer.
Yeah, sit down right here and tell me all about your day.
We ain't talked much lately.
Oh, I know! We'll talk about the family.
I hate the family! I meant your family.
That's who I meant.
Oh, I know, Archie! Let's talk about the good old days.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
That ain't nice, now.
Forget it, talking about the good old days.
The good old days is over and done with, Edith, and everybody in it is dead.
And I don't miss nobody except maybe Humphrey Bogart.
Let me go watch the news, huh? Well, now, wait a minute.
Edith, Edith, Edith, I want to go into my living room.
Not just this minute.
You mean you ain't gonna let me go into my living room? No, stay here in the kitchen with me.
Edith, Edith, I think the gas is escaping.
Boom boom, boom boom! Oh! You fooled me! You fooled me! Ha ha ha! You're actin' awful strange.
I mean, even for you.
Archie, I know what let's do.
Let's eat dinner in the kitchen tonight.
I don't give a damn where we have dinner.
Just go cook it, call me when it's ready.
I tell you what we do.
Later on, we'll watch television together.
There's a brand-new show, very interesting, see? It's a women's show, what you call a very now show.
I'll show you.
It's listed here in the book here, I seen it the other night.
It's the Ladies' Heavyweight Boxing, Edith, the championship, and the ladies give a fashion show before they start belting the hell out of each other.
You see 'em in them long evening gowns.
Boy, it's better than a monster movie.
There it is.
Nine o'clock, channel nine.
Ain't that nice? Now let me watch old pinko Cronkite here.
Come on in the kitchen and talk to me-- There ain't nothi'' to talk-- There's nothi'' to talk about! Now there's somethin' to talk about.
How come I can do that here? Archie, Kressler's is bringing it back any minute.
What is Kressler's doing with it? Now, Archie, please be careful.
Remember your blood pressure.
E-E-Edith-- I'm gonna hold my breath and bust all of my arteries all over your floor.
You'll have to explain to the carpet cleaners how you murdered your husband.
What's with my chair?! Now, Kressler's is repairing it, and they're gonna bring it right away.
- They're repairin' it.
- Yeah.
Somehow I get from that that it got broke.
- Who broke it? - Just a leg broke.
- Tell me who broke it.
- It don't matter, Archie.
Why won't you tell me who broke it? Because you'll get mad at Mike--oh.
The meathead broke my chair? But he didn't mean to.
Edith, Edith, Edith.
Get on the horn, call him and get him over here.
Oh, Archie, he won't come over here now.
You gotta tempt him back, Edith.
Tell him you made a big bowl of chocolate pudding or something.
No, Archie, he feels too bad already, and he didn't mean to do it.
It was an accident.
What was he using my chair for, a trampoloon?! Archie, the chair was old and rickety.
Old and rickety? You'd say a rotten thing like that about something that I hold dear? Do I ever say rotten things like that about the things that you hold dear? Did I ever call your mother old and rickety? Did I ever bust one of her legs? But the springs was all loose.
So was your mother's.
And it was covered with beer stains.
So was your mother.
And the stuffin' was all comin' out.
You knew her better than me! Edith, Edith, Edith! All I gotta tell you is I want the chair back here where it was! - Yeah, it'll be here! - Right where it was! And until I see it back there, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pick out a spot in this house, I'm gonna pick out the most uncomfortable spot in this house, and then I'm gonna go and put myself in that spot, and I'm gonna torture myself until you cry or until I see that chair back where it was.
And until then, this is my spot! Archie! You better be careful! I mean, you wasn't this upset when you lost your father.
I didn't sit on my father for 28 years! Archie, please, don't worry.
Kressler's is bringin' back your chair and it's gonna be good as new.
- I don't want Kressler's to put no new stuffin' in that chair! - Oh, no, they won't.
I don't want Kressler puttin' no benzene on that chair and clean all the memories out of that, Edith! - [PHONE RINGS.]
- I don't then to do nothing to take all the charm out of that chair, Edith! Hello? Oh, it's Kressler's.
- Kressler's? - Yeah.
You tell 'em to put three men on that chair, and carry it out careful, don't drop it.
And then when they get it on the truck wrap it up in one of them blankets with all the padding in there - I'll call you back.
- and tie it around there.
What are you hanging up for? You didn't tell 'em what I told ya.
- Archie, they lost your chair.
- Lost? Well, not exactly.
See, they gave it away.
- They gave it away? - By mistake, with a pile of junk.
Pile of junk? My chair, junk? I'll show you what's junk! You wanna see junk? There's junk! Your chair--that's junk! - No! No! - That's what's junk, there.
- The elephant is junk! - No! Don't break my elephant! - Edith, the camel! - No! No! The camel is junk! The gravy boat is junk.
- Edith! Edith! - What? Get me something to break, Edith! Get me something to break, Edith! Ah [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My chair is here? Well, this is the address that Andy gave me.
How can this be a junk shop? There ain't no "minorarity" peoples in here.
This is an art gallery.
This is "art"? Modern art.
Oh, jeez, excuse me.
Well, you see, I read once that in modern art it ain't what you see, but it's what it makes you think you see.
See? I don't know what the hell you see, but I don't see my chair.
Oh, look at this.
This looks like the foot of a big bird.
I'm glad the rest of him ain't flyin' over me.
Archie, come here.
Look.
[EDITH CHUCKLING.]
I don't believe it.
What does this remind you of? Did you remember to put the garbage out this morning? It's absolutely Lichtenrauch's most positive statement, and it's a steal for 1600.
You're right, I must have it.
I'll take it.
Excuse me, pal, mind if I ask, did I hear you say just now you was gonna plunk down $1600 for this here? Certainly.
Why? I'm a collector.
Collect-- Somebody in a white coat oughta collect him and deliver him to a rubber room.
Oh, look at this one! What is it, a sink? Looks like half man, half toilet.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh Where's my chair? Look at this one! Holy cow.
That's a little more than whiplash, ain't it? Oh, my, this is fun! Oh, look, that one over there ain't bad.
Don't leave me alone in this joint, Edith.
See, that's nice, Archie.
Oh, gee Here it is.
It's all fixed up, nothin' wrong with it.
This is my chair.
My chair! This is your chair? This is my chair.
You're a genius! What style! The antiquing of the fabric is fabulous.
What did you use? Schlitz.
Well, it's wonderful.
It's wonderful.
It's wonderful.
Hi, Ma.
- Hi, Arch.
- Hi, Michael.
I see you found your chair.
We found the chair, but how the hell-- [LOWERS VOICE.]
--how the hell am I gonna get it from here back out to Queens? I borrowed a van, but I don't know if we can take the chair off the exhibit.
You see, the artist, Lichtenrauch, he got it from Kressler's junk pile and he made it into a work of art.
Archie's chair a work of art? Ha ha ha ha ha! Stifle yourself! He might even put it in a museum.
No museum.
It ain't goin' no place but home.
Grab one end, let's get it outta here.
- I don't think you can do that-- - Don't argue-- Quiet! Quiet! Off! What's going on here? What are you people doing? Did you come in here to browse or to brawl? I come in here to collect my property, whoever you are.
This here is my chair.
Take your hands off my work of art or I'll call the police! Did you say this was your work of art? - Are you Elvin Lichtenrauch? - Yes.
Who are you? Let me explain, Mr.
Lichtenrauch.
You got this from a junk pile by mistake.
This chair belongs to these people over here.
Yeah, see, here's the receipt from Kressler's furniture repair.
Oh, brother.
The minute you make it to the top, people come out of the woodwork to rip you off.
Wait a minute.
Anybody's a ripper-offer around here, it's you.
For the past 28 years here, this genuine, old-fashioned wingback heirloom chair has been sitting in my, what do you call, drawing room, huh, until somebody come and took it into this funhouse.
Do you realize that this chair is gonna be part of my one-man show at the Museum of Modern Art? Well, then my behind is gonna be part of your one-man show, 'cause my behind belongs in that chair.
Elvin, they're here! Excuse me.
Elvin, I just got a buyer for your New American Gothic Chair.
He offered us $2500 for it! Well, tell him to forget it.
That man says that that chair belongs to him, and as far as I'm concerned, he can keep it.
- You gotta get that chair back.
- I'll dig up another chair.
The buyer will go 3000 for the New American Gothic Chair, and the New American Gothic Chair includes that chair! Just give him $100 for his cruddy chair and get rid of him! All right.
I'll try.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
I'm willing to pay $50 for your chair.
Fifty dollars? I'd rather burn it first.
I can see you're a shrewd businessman.
All right, one hundred.
What do you think, I was born-- - What day is today? - Friday.
--yesterday? Two hundred.
Two hundred.
Mr.
Lickin-- - Lichtenrauch.
- Yeah.
See, we gotta get a new chair to take its place, and that would cost at least $250.
All right, little lady.
Just for you: 250.
Oh, thank you.
$250? I don't know, Edith.
Archie, it's really an old chair, and it broke once, it's gonna break again.
Arch, for $250 you can buy a brand-new reclining chair with invisible fingers that vibrate.
I don't want no invisible fingers in a chair-- I get enough of them on the subway.
Look, Mr.
Archie, I can't stand here all day haggling with you.
Why should I take that? I mean, a chair like this, well, it's kind of like a girlfriend, you know? Why trade in an old one that's comfortable for a new one that might give you a pain in the butt? All right, 300, okay? That way you can get yourself a new chair, and $50 for your inconvenience.
Three hundred dollars.
Hold on.
Four hundred.
Oh, you got a deal.
Four hundred dollars? - You got a deal.
- Oh, good.
Four hundred dollars, buddy, you got it.
Hey, congratulations! You just bought yourself a beautiful chair here.
No, I mean it.
Get out of the way here.
And I mean not just a work of art, see, for this is a chair for sittin' in.
Anybody can sit in that chair and enjoy himself in that chair, you know? Took me 28 years to put all these personal indentations in this chair, and I indented 'em in here myself, you know? I enjoyed it.
Oh, I tell you, the times this chair has saw.
I mean, oh, watchin' the TV, you know, sporting events, your bowl games, your Super Bowl games there, your World Series, your fights, your wrasslin'-- midget wrasslin'-- and your presidential elections, two of them good, the rest "what the hell," TV entertainment-- Hey, Milton Berle made me happy in this chair.
And Lassie made me sad in this chair.
And then oh, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
himself sat in this chair over at my house.
And my little girl Gloria when she was little, I give her her bottles right in this chair.
Oh, the fun I had with my little girl in this chair.
Yeah, so did I.
You are a person of very little quality, you know that? Not to mention my little grandson Joey who I got, you know.
Joey he played in this chair.
And he spit up in this chair.
Oh, yeah, over and over.
But you know, that's part of why you call it your antique, ain't it? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure gonna miss this old chair.
I'm really gonna miss it.
Mr.
Archie, you're not gonna sell me that chair, are you? I can't.
I can't sell it.
I can't sell it.
I'm awful sorry, the deal's off.
The deal's off, forget about it, I'm sorry.
Hey, Meathead, come on, before I change my mind, grab the chair and get it out of here.
- Help him with the chair.
- [EDITH AND MICHAEL TALKING.]
Hey, hold it.
Listen, listen.
You're a nice guy, sorry to disappoint you there.
But hey, look-- you're an artist, right? And you love works of art like that, you come out to my house, go down to my cellar, you'll be delirious.
Well, listen, if you change your mind, you let me know.
My address is 704 Hauser Street out in Astoria, Queens [INDISTINCT.]
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Oh, hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
Hey, Ma tell me-- Gloria already gave me her opinion.
Tell me what you think.
About what? Ma, look at me.
Are you gonna sneeze? No, Ma! I shaved off my mustache.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my goodness, let me see.
Oh, my, it makes your head look fatter.
That's what Gloria's been telling me.
She's been laughing all morning.
Oh, oh, but it's a nice fat head.
I mean, well, now your upper lip matches your lower lip.
What made you shave it off? How can I explain it Did you ever have a table that wobbled? Oh, all my life.
You got one leg longer than the other, so you cut it down to make them all even, but the next thing you know you got the other three legs are now too long, so you cut them down to make it even.
And pretty soon, with all the cutting and trying to make it even you got no table at all.
Oh, Mike, I hope it wasn't the table we gave you for a wedding present.
Ma, do you have any coffee? Yeah, sure.
And do you mind if I drink it in the living room? Oh, no.
I want to catch Sesame Street.
I thought that was for little kids.
It is, but they got a great show on today about the letter Z.
Besides, I heard that Big Bird's gonna lay an egg today.
Oh.
[WOOD CRACKS.]
Oh, no! I broke the chair! I broke the chair! I broke Archie's chair! I broke his chair! Yeah, but you coulda broke something.
I did! I broke his chair! Ma, I feel terrible! I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident.
It was an accident, wasn't it, Ma? Archie's gonna go crazy! Ma, what are you gonna tell him? I don't know, Mike.
His chair is his favorite place in the whole world.
Good morning.
EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
- What happened? - I broke Archie's chair! Oh, that's awful! How did-- Ha ha ha ha ha! What are you laughing at? I'm sorry, Michael, but you look so funny without anything on your upper lip.
Will you forget about that?! Do ya think we'll be able to fix it? Oh, yeah, sure.
We'll just get some glue and put it back on.
Won't it come off in the shower? Ha ha ha ha! Who would want to put a chair in the shower? No, your mustache! Will you forget about the mustache?! - What are we gonna do about the chair? - Yeah! Well, I can call my friend Andy in Kressler's furniture department.
- Yeah, call him.
- He can probably take care of it today.
It'll probably cost a little more, but they'll pick up and deliver.
I don't care how much it costs, just do it.
Do you think he can fix it before your father gets home? Oh, sure, Andy works fast, and it's still early.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Will you stop laughing? It's not that funny.
Yes, it is.
I just noticed that your nostrils are uneven.
EDITH: But you promised, Andy.
Well, that ain't fair.
Well, it's 6:30 now, and you promised that my husband's chair would be here an hour ago.
And now he's gonna walk through the door any minute and he's gonna blow up! What am I gonna do? No.
I don't want to go to an all-night movie.
Ma, Daddy's coming! He just rounded the corner! Did you hear that? You call me back! Gloria, what are you doing? If I put this here maybe Daddy won't notice, at least not right away.
Oh, no, your father'll notice.
Ma, be positive.
I am positive-- your father'll notice it! Maybe the truck got held up in traffic.
ARCHIE: Hey, Hefner, your dog is killin' my lawn again! Ma, here's what you do.
You just distract Daddy and keep him out of the living room - until the truck comes by.
- Where are you going? I gotta go home, 'cause I don't want to be here for Daddy to blame me.
But it ain't your fault.
Yes, it is.
I married Michael! Ohhh Oh, yeah.
Oh, hi, Archie.
Are you ready to go? Where the hell are we goin'? Next door for 20 minutes.
What for?! To look at Joey's tooth.
I seen Joey's tooth.
Yeah, but it got longer today.
Out of the way, will you, Edith? Let a tired man get into his house and get off his feet.
How was your day? Stinko.
Did did you like your lunch? No, I hated it.
Did you get a seat on the subway? Are you kiddin'? I got a seat on the subway nine years ago when the train went on fire and everybody run like hell.
Let me go, will ya? I just wanna go get myself a smoke.
Ah Archie, come on out in the kitchen with me! - Huh? Come on.
- Edith, Edith-- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Edith, please.
I don't wanna talk.
At 11:00 a.
m.
today I said all I want to say to everybody in this world.
Hold it, hold it, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ain't there somethin' funny in here? Uh, no, no.
Uh, uh, did you do something to your hair? Yeah, I fluffed it up.
No, no, that ain't it.
No, there's something peculiar, whatever the hell it is here.
It's spooky.
Let's go in the kitchen.
Yeah, let's go in the kitchen! Oh, jeez, the heel! You got the heel.
You got the heel.
Oh, you Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Did you put new curtains on them windows out there? Well, about eight years ago.
That must be it.
Get me a beer.
Yeah, sit down right here and tell me all about your day.
We ain't talked much lately.
Oh, I know! We'll talk about the family.
I hate the family! I meant your family.
That's who I meant.
Oh, I know, Archie! Let's talk about the good old days.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
That ain't nice, now.
Forget it, talking about the good old days.
The good old days is over and done with, Edith, and everybody in it is dead.
And I don't miss nobody except maybe Humphrey Bogart.
Let me go watch the news, huh? Well, now, wait a minute.
Edith, Edith, Edith, I want to go into my living room.
Not just this minute.
You mean you ain't gonna let me go into my living room? No, stay here in the kitchen with me.
Edith, Edith, I think the gas is escaping.
Boom boom, boom boom! Oh! You fooled me! You fooled me! Ha ha ha! You're actin' awful strange.
I mean, even for you.
Archie, I know what let's do.
Let's eat dinner in the kitchen tonight.
I don't give a damn where we have dinner.
Just go cook it, call me when it's ready.
I tell you what we do.
Later on, we'll watch television together.
There's a brand-new show, very interesting, see? It's a women's show, what you call a very now show.
I'll show you.
It's listed here in the book here, I seen it the other night.
It's the Ladies' Heavyweight Boxing, Edith, the championship, and the ladies give a fashion show before they start belting the hell out of each other.
You see 'em in them long evening gowns.
Boy, it's better than a monster movie.
There it is.
Nine o'clock, channel nine.
Ain't that nice? Now let me watch old pinko Cronkite here.
Come on in the kitchen and talk to me-- There ain't nothi'' to talk-- There's nothi'' to talk about! Now there's somethin' to talk about.
How come I can do that here? Archie, Kressler's is bringing it back any minute.
What is Kressler's doing with it? Now, Archie, please be careful.
Remember your blood pressure.
E-E-Edith-- I'm gonna hold my breath and bust all of my arteries all over your floor.
You'll have to explain to the carpet cleaners how you murdered your husband.
What's with my chair?! Now, Kressler's is repairing it, and they're gonna bring it right away.
- They're repairin' it.
- Yeah.
Somehow I get from that that it got broke.
- Who broke it? - Just a leg broke.
- Tell me who broke it.
- It don't matter, Archie.
Why won't you tell me who broke it? Because you'll get mad at Mike--oh.
The meathead broke my chair? But he didn't mean to.
Edith, Edith, Edith.
Get on the horn, call him and get him over here.
Oh, Archie, he won't come over here now.
You gotta tempt him back, Edith.
Tell him you made a big bowl of chocolate pudding or something.
No, Archie, he feels too bad already, and he didn't mean to do it.
It was an accident.
What was he using my chair for, a trampoloon?! Archie, the chair was old and rickety.
Old and rickety? You'd say a rotten thing like that about something that I hold dear? Do I ever say rotten things like that about the things that you hold dear? Did I ever call your mother old and rickety? Did I ever bust one of her legs? But the springs was all loose.
So was your mother's.
And it was covered with beer stains.
So was your mother.
And the stuffin' was all comin' out.
You knew her better than me! Edith, Edith, Edith! All I gotta tell you is I want the chair back here where it was! - Yeah, it'll be here! - Right where it was! And until I see it back there, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pick out a spot in this house, I'm gonna pick out the most uncomfortable spot in this house, and then I'm gonna go and put myself in that spot, and I'm gonna torture myself until you cry or until I see that chair back where it was.
And until then, this is my spot! Archie! You better be careful! I mean, you wasn't this upset when you lost your father.
I didn't sit on my father for 28 years! Archie, please, don't worry.
Kressler's is bringin' back your chair and it's gonna be good as new.
- I don't want Kressler's to put no new stuffin' in that chair! - Oh, no, they won't.
I don't want Kressler puttin' no benzene on that chair and clean all the memories out of that, Edith! - [PHONE RINGS.]
- I don't then to do nothing to take all the charm out of that chair, Edith! Hello? Oh, it's Kressler's.
- Kressler's? - Yeah.
You tell 'em to put three men on that chair, and carry it out careful, don't drop it.
And then when they get it on the truck wrap it up in one of them blankets with all the padding in there - I'll call you back.
- and tie it around there.
What are you hanging up for? You didn't tell 'em what I told ya.
- Archie, they lost your chair.
- Lost? Well, not exactly.
See, they gave it away.
- They gave it away? - By mistake, with a pile of junk.
Pile of junk? My chair, junk? I'll show you what's junk! You wanna see junk? There's junk! Your chair--that's junk! - No! No! - That's what's junk, there.
- The elephant is junk! - No! Don't break my elephant! - Edith, the camel! - No! No! The camel is junk! The gravy boat is junk.
- Edith! Edith! - What? Get me something to break, Edith! Get me something to break, Edith! Ah [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My chair is here? Well, this is the address that Andy gave me.
How can this be a junk shop? There ain't no "minorarity" peoples in here.
This is an art gallery.
This is "art"? Modern art.
Oh, jeez, excuse me.
Well, you see, I read once that in modern art it ain't what you see, but it's what it makes you think you see.
See? I don't know what the hell you see, but I don't see my chair.
Oh, look at this.
This looks like the foot of a big bird.
I'm glad the rest of him ain't flyin' over me.
Archie, come here.
Look.
[EDITH CHUCKLING.]
I don't believe it.
What does this remind you of? Did you remember to put the garbage out this morning? It's absolutely Lichtenrauch's most positive statement, and it's a steal for 1600.
You're right, I must have it.
I'll take it.
Excuse me, pal, mind if I ask, did I hear you say just now you was gonna plunk down $1600 for this here? Certainly.
Why? I'm a collector.
Collect-- Somebody in a white coat oughta collect him and deliver him to a rubber room.
Oh, look at this one! What is it, a sink? Looks like half man, half toilet.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh Where's my chair? Look at this one! Holy cow.
That's a little more than whiplash, ain't it? Oh, my, this is fun! Oh, look, that one over there ain't bad.
Don't leave me alone in this joint, Edith.
See, that's nice, Archie.
Oh, gee Here it is.
It's all fixed up, nothin' wrong with it.
This is my chair.
My chair! This is your chair? This is my chair.
You're a genius! What style! The antiquing of the fabric is fabulous.
What did you use? Schlitz.
Well, it's wonderful.
It's wonderful.
It's wonderful.
Hi, Ma.
- Hi, Arch.
- Hi, Michael.
I see you found your chair.
We found the chair, but how the hell-- [LOWERS VOICE.]
--how the hell am I gonna get it from here back out to Queens? I borrowed a van, but I don't know if we can take the chair off the exhibit.
You see, the artist, Lichtenrauch, he got it from Kressler's junk pile and he made it into a work of art.
Archie's chair a work of art? Ha ha ha ha ha! Stifle yourself! He might even put it in a museum.
No museum.
It ain't goin' no place but home.
Grab one end, let's get it outta here.
- I don't think you can do that-- - Don't argue-- Quiet! Quiet! Off! What's going on here? What are you people doing? Did you come in here to browse or to brawl? I come in here to collect my property, whoever you are.
This here is my chair.
Take your hands off my work of art or I'll call the police! Did you say this was your work of art? - Are you Elvin Lichtenrauch? - Yes.
Who are you? Let me explain, Mr.
Lichtenrauch.
You got this from a junk pile by mistake.
This chair belongs to these people over here.
Yeah, see, here's the receipt from Kressler's furniture repair.
Oh, brother.
The minute you make it to the top, people come out of the woodwork to rip you off.
Wait a minute.
Anybody's a ripper-offer around here, it's you.
For the past 28 years here, this genuine, old-fashioned wingback heirloom chair has been sitting in my, what do you call, drawing room, huh, until somebody come and took it into this funhouse.
Do you realize that this chair is gonna be part of my one-man show at the Museum of Modern Art? Well, then my behind is gonna be part of your one-man show, 'cause my behind belongs in that chair.
Elvin, they're here! Excuse me.
Elvin, I just got a buyer for your New American Gothic Chair.
He offered us $2500 for it! Well, tell him to forget it.
That man says that that chair belongs to him, and as far as I'm concerned, he can keep it.
- You gotta get that chair back.
- I'll dig up another chair.
The buyer will go 3000 for the New American Gothic Chair, and the New American Gothic Chair includes that chair! Just give him $100 for his cruddy chair and get rid of him! All right.
I'll try.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
I'm willing to pay $50 for your chair.
Fifty dollars? I'd rather burn it first.
I can see you're a shrewd businessman.
All right, one hundred.
What do you think, I was born-- - What day is today? - Friday.
--yesterday? Two hundred.
Two hundred.
Mr.
Lickin-- - Lichtenrauch.
- Yeah.
See, we gotta get a new chair to take its place, and that would cost at least $250.
All right, little lady.
Just for you: 250.
Oh, thank you.
$250? I don't know, Edith.
Archie, it's really an old chair, and it broke once, it's gonna break again.
Arch, for $250 you can buy a brand-new reclining chair with invisible fingers that vibrate.
I don't want no invisible fingers in a chair-- I get enough of them on the subway.
Look, Mr.
Archie, I can't stand here all day haggling with you.
Why should I take that? I mean, a chair like this, well, it's kind of like a girlfriend, you know? Why trade in an old one that's comfortable for a new one that might give you a pain in the butt? All right, 300, okay? That way you can get yourself a new chair, and $50 for your inconvenience.
Three hundred dollars.
Hold on.
Four hundred.
Oh, you got a deal.
Four hundred dollars? - You got a deal.
- Oh, good.
Four hundred dollars, buddy, you got it.
Hey, congratulations! You just bought yourself a beautiful chair here.
No, I mean it.
Get out of the way here.
And I mean not just a work of art, see, for this is a chair for sittin' in.
Anybody can sit in that chair and enjoy himself in that chair, you know? Took me 28 years to put all these personal indentations in this chair, and I indented 'em in here myself, you know? I enjoyed it.
Oh, I tell you, the times this chair has saw.
I mean, oh, watchin' the TV, you know, sporting events, your bowl games, your Super Bowl games there, your World Series, your fights, your wrasslin'-- midget wrasslin'-- and your presidential elections, two of them good, the rest "what the hell," TV entertainment-- Hey, Milton Berle made me happy in this chair.
And Lassie made me sad in this chair.
And then oh, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Sammy Davis, Jr.
himself sat in this chair over at my house.
And my little girl Gloria when she was little, I give her her bottles right in this chair.
Oh, the fun I had with my little girl in this chair.
Yeah, so did I.
You are a person of very little quality, you know that? Not to mention my little grandson Joey who I got, you know.
Joey he played in this chair.
And he spit up in this chair.
Oh, yeah, over and over.
But you know, that's part of why you call it your antique, ain't it? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure gonna miss this old chair.
I'm really gonna miss it.
Mr.
Archie, you're not gonna sell me that chair, are you? I can't.
I can't sell it.
I can't sell it.
I'm awful sorry, the deal's off.
The deal's off, forget about it, I'm sorry.
Hey, Meathead, come on, before I change my mind, grab the chair and get it out of here.
- Help him with the chair.
- [EDITH AND MICHAEL TALKING.]
Hey, hold it.
Listen, listen.
You're a nice guy, sorry to disappoint you there.
But hey, look-- you're an artist, right? And you love works of art like that, you come out to my house, go down to my cellar, you'll be delirious.
Well, listen, if you change your mind, you let me know.
My address is 704 Hauser Street out in Astoria, Queens [INDISTINCT.]
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.