All In The Family s07e24 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Listen, Barney, don't be layin' the whole blame on me! How the hell was I to know that that reporter wasn't an honest guy?! Hi, Archie, I'm home! Yeah, so am I, Edith.
Listen--listen-- you're already the president of the lodge, you wanna take over my job as the membership chair-- I made meatloaf this morning, it'll be ready in a minute! I don't have to take this kind of meatloaf from you! I mean-- I don't have to take this kind of guff from you! You wanna take over my chairman's gravel, go ahead and take it over! And bang it yourself, and hustle for members yourself, and go to hell while you're at it! Edith, I'm lookin' for my chairman's gravel.
It's in the closet.
Let me get ahold of that.
Wait a minute! No! Don't-- You used my chairman's gravel to prop up a shelf? No, you did.
That's no excuse! Archie, why do you want it? I want it because I'm gonna turn it in to Barney Hefner.
Look at this here article in the Flushing Tribune there.
"Local Clubs Discriminate.
" This reporter calls me up, he pumps me for a whole lot of information about our lodge, then he writes this big story that all the lodge brothers are bigots.
How do ya like that? Could you call all of us guys bigots? You see? You couldn't.
Well, Archie, what did you say to the reporter? I didn't know he was a reporter in the first place, and if I'd have known that the three simple questions that I asked him was gonna cause a smear like this Well, what was the questions? Same questions I ask everybody.
"Are you employed?" "Are you an ex-con?" "Are you a white man?" That's all.
Oh, Archie, you shouldn't ask nobody them questions.
What do you mean I shouldn't? They shouldn't be writing a big thing like that in the paper! And they're lumping our little club with all them snooty yacht clubs and tennis clubs and social clubs all over Long Island.
With all the fuss they're making, you'd think our little club was Jimmy Carter's church.
But why does this have to happen to me? Hi, Arch.
Why does this have to happen to me? Hi, Mike! Hi, Mom.
I ain't got no time to brandy words with you today, and why the hell are you sittin' at my table? I forgot to tell you, Archie.
Mike's having dinner with us tonight.
I hope you're cookin' for nine! Oh, no See, Gloria had to take Joey to Staten Island to see Al and Trudy.
Oh, I see And she missed the five o'clock bus home on account of Joey took his four o'clock nap at 4:30.
- All right, Edith.
- And he has to sleep for an hour so she didn't want to wake him up.
So the next bus was 6:15.
Only Al missed his six o'clock train coming home, and he couldn't take her to the bus station.
So Gloria and Joey are stayin' at Al and Trudy's for dinner tonight.
I guess they'll get the eight o'clock bus home, unless, of course, Joey falls asleep [EDITH CONTINUES BABBLING.]
Hey, Arch? Why didn't you just stop her? You can't! If you don't stifle her by the fifth sentence, you just gotta wait till she winds down herself.
Arch, I noticed they mentioned your club in this article on discrimination.
I don't wanna say nothin' about that article whatsoever! - Okay.
- I'll say this that's all a pack of lies.
It is? All right.
Tell me the name of one black member of the Kings of Queens? Bein' a private club, I ain't sayin' nothin' about our club whatsoever! Okay.
I'll say this if we ain't got a black member over there-- and I ain't admitting we ain't got a black member over there-- there's only one very good and very simple reason.
What's that? The entire membership is white.
Then you do discriminate, Arch.
Your club's gonna be in big financial trouble.
How? If your club practices discrimination, you're not gonna get a tax break on your property taxes for the clubhouse.
That ain't true! It's true! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! Shut up.
It's true.
[CONTINUES BABBLING.]
If Gloria takes the 9:30 bus, she ain't gonna get home until after midnight.
I know them busses late at night.
You can never depend on them.
Why, I remember once when I come home from work by New Jersey, I didn't get home until one in the morning.
Now, don't interrupt, and don't start no stories that don't end in five sentences? Now, back to you! You take the Attorney General of the United States-- he's got a right to belong to a club that don't have no Jews and no blacks.
Then Archie Bunker's got that right.
Arch, if you're gonna take your lead from the Attorney General, - why don't you do what he did? - What did he do? He quit his club.
Oh, yeah? Then I'll quit my club.
Good.
When? When they make me Attorney General.
Arch, don't you care anything about the Constitution of the United States? Don't hit me with that Commie crapola! It's the Constitution! Ain't got nothin' to do with Americanism or America, where a man's got the right to join any club he pleases, with all the men he likes, and the men he likes got a right to keep out all the mens they don't likes.
You have that right.
But liking a man-- why should that have anything to do with whether a man is black, a Jew, or Puerto Rican? That's discrimination! No, it ain't.
It's just being particular.
The paper is right.
The paper is trying to burn us for a lot of things we don't do.
I don't see a line in that paper giving us credit for the good things we do, like keeping out the Catholics.
You do practice discrimination! Ah, shut up! You're always shootin' off your face about things you don't know nothin' about! Why don't you come down with me to my club and see what goes on there with your own two eyes.
We got all kinds of guys down there.
We got tall guys, short guys, fat guys, skinny guys.
Guys with no hair, too much hair.
No teeth, too much teeth.
We got a one-eyed guy.
We got a guy down there we kind of suspect that he's a midget.
[FORK DROPS.]
Well, because he's only four foot tall.
But nobody blames him for that, nobody's mean to him.
We're all fair there-- tell you what we do.
In the men's room, we built up a little box there.
So the man can stand up on that and be comfortable.
He can feel that he's got an equal shot at it, you know? Nobody says nothin' against that.
Maybe we laugh a little, but never a harsh word.
[DOOR BELL.]
Archie, would you get that? I gotta look at the pie.
Yes, I'll get that.
All I got to say to you is I wish I had some of the time back on my life that I have wasted trying to straighten out your head.
I think it'll come to about nine years! I've only known you seven.
Well, I count the first two double! I rounded up the guys for a meeting.
- Talkin' to reporters, huh? - How long, loose lips? What? You gonna have a real live meeting here? Yeah, a meeting here.
Say, Mike, there, we're gonna have a private lodge meeting here, so if you don't-- Oh, will you scram! It's all right, Arch.
I understand.
You don't want anybody to be around while you put your sheets on.
Shut up, you! Get outta here! I gotta tell you somethin', Arch.
The whole club membership is really steamed about that article in the newspaper - The way you talked to me - We're in trouble! We could have every pinko and lefty in town picketing the clubhouse! The lefties don't want to picket a bunch of nobodies like us.
I didn't mean that! All right! It slipped.
You wanna hold a meetin' on this? Let's hold it the regulation way.
Come on, we just called a meeting to order here.
I'll take that, Arch.
This is a high-level meeting.
Wait a minute.
I'm the chairman of membership committee.
- I'm the president.
- But this is my house.
We don't care.
An emergency meeting of the Kings of Queens - is now in session.
- I got some things to say And the chair recognizes Brother Pivnik.
First of all, on a personal note, so to speak, there's a lot of blacks down at the plant who ain't gonna be too thrilled about readin' this.
And I got to work with three of 'em that's tougher than me.
My wife Edith is tougher than you.
[ARGUING.]
All right, just hold it down.
The chair recognizes Brother Bunker.
All right, Mr.
Chairman, Now, I think, you know with all due regrets about you, that, uh the time has come we gotta change the membership rules, you know? Iwe gotta think about lettin' in somebody different.
We already done that.
We let Lewinsky in.
Now we can't tell Polish jokes no more.
Just a minute.
Brother Lewinsky tells his own Polish jokes.
Yeah, but he tells 'em all wrong! [LAUGHING.]
All right, try to contain yourselves there.
The Chair recognizes Brother Bunker again.
Well, see, what I mean is this: You've all heard the old saying, you know "A stitch in time gathers no moss.
" - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Whatever! But what I'm tryin' to say is the heat is on us, and we gotta take it off.
What we gotta do, I think now, don't jump on me is let in one Jew and one black-- don't say nothin' yet! Just think about it, will ya's? Just think about it.
Now, what do ya say? Oh, no! Don't walk away from me! We're gonna lose the lodge! Lose the lodge! Lose the lodge! I am thinkin' about somethin' that you dummies ain't thinkin' about! Maybe I'm the only person in the world tonight that is thinkin' about this one thing, and that is how we lose a tax break on the clubhouse property.
- That ain't true! - I done my homework there.
Consulted my own tax expert H & R Kraut, there.
I'm gonna tell you right now it most certainly is true, but then it don't have to hap-- If it does happen, the extra expense, where are we gonna find it? It ain't in our own pockets.
We lose the lodge.
We open the door just this much, see? It takes that heat off.
Nobody bothers for the next 68 years.
By that time, we're too old to care anymore.
But, Arch a Jew and a black? I know just who, and wait'll you see the nice way this works out.
Okay.
Who's the black guy? The black guy, he's a guy that Hank Pivnik knows.
He works with Hank and me down at the plant and lives over there in College Point Solomon Jackson.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, well, there's your black guy.
Okay, who's the Jewish guy? Solomon Jackson.
He's a black and a Jew? A two-time loser.
Archie! Are you home? Yeah, I'm home, Edith.
Well, so am I.
Are the fellas here yet? No, the fellas won't be coming over till later.
Did you get everything I told you to get? I think so.
There's a very unusual guest of honor today, you know, a guy that's black and Jewish all at once.
Wow.
Well, here's the ribs from Colonel Sanders and here's the chopped liver from Goldberger's delicatessen.
And here's your wine That's it, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah, that's terrific.
See, this is using the old bean here.
In case he's feeling a little more colored than usual, a bottle of Ripple, see? And in case he's more in a Jewish frame of mood, we got the Manischewitz.
[DOORBELL.]
- That must be him - I'll get that.
No, no, Edith, let me answer the door! No, let me answer.
I said I-- When I say I'm answering the door, why do you run? I always do.
Ah, jeez.
Stand back, will ya.
Hurry up! - [DOORBELL.]
- I'll be right there.
Remember, please, you know, act ordinary, very pleasant.
Just make the guy feel like he's a real person.
But that's-- that's what he is.
Good, good, Keep that up, keep that up.
- Hello! - Hiya there, Sol.
Come on in and say hello to the wife.
Edith, this is Solomon Jackson from work.
How do you do, Mr.
Jackson? Let me have your jacket.
- It's so nice of you-- - Don't wear the man out with heavy conversation.
Just hang up the coat.
Come on in, Sol.
Make yourself at home.
Sit down on the sofa-- the hell with the sofa, use my chair! Because that's the most comfortable chair in the house.
The first thing I wanna do is, you know, thank you for coming over here, giving up your Saturday afternoon, which I know is a religious holy day for you people, the name of which-- what is that? - Shabbas.
- Correct.
Can I get you a little refreshment? A little refreshment.
That's right in order, Edith.
Go ahead and do that.
Bring us an ice cold bottle of Ripple out there, see? Yeah, oh, that's my favorite wine, boy.
I-I love that better than anything.
I didn't know that, Archie.
Well, the years have tired ya out and you forget things.
Go away! From now on I'll buy it for ya all the time.
It's a lot cheaper than beer.
Yeah.
It's a hell of a lot better, too, you know? Yeah.
I don't really care for it.
I've gone off it myself lately to tell you the truth.
Say, Edith, 86 the ripple, and bring us a couple of delicious ice cold cans of beer.
EDITH: All right! Well, well, well I'm so glad that we could finally get together.
Why? Why? Uh, well, you know, the kind of guy I am I like to make friendships, you know, wherever, irregardless of nothing pertaining to anything particular whatever, you know? There are not many people who could phrase it just that way.
Well, I like to think I'm one of them.
You are.
And you are a credit to your race.
Oh, well thank you very much, Sol, and you're a credit to your race, too.
I mean both of them.
[DOORBELL.]
Holy cow, the front door! What do you know? Jeez, I wonder who could be ringing that door.
Without even an invitation, in the middle of a man's Saturday afternoon-- - What'd you call that again? - Shabbas Correct again.
What a memory.
Let's let 'em in, huh? Well, well! - Well, put it to me.
- Hi, Arch! Hey, Sol, I want you to meet three close friends of mine.
- Hi, Sol, I'm Harry.
- How are ya, Harry? - You know me, I'm Hank.
- Right, yeah.
And this is Barney Hefner, Sol.
He's the president of our lodge.
Here's your beer! Oh! Edith, you're gonna have to get some more beers because look who just dropped in right out of the blue? Yeah.
We was expectin' ya.
Excuse us just a minute.
Edith, come out to the kitchen about some little thing - We shouldn't-- - It'll be just a minute.
Be right back, fellas.
Do you know how tired I am of living with your foot in my mouth? I don't know what you mean.
Keep yourself busy out here, and I'll handle the guests.
Wait a minute, I'll serve the beer.
- You don't have to-- - I will serve the cold beer.
Your warm conversation takes the chill off the cans.
Here we are, guys! If you want anything done, you always do it yourself, huh? There you go! Excuse my behind, Sol.
There's one.
You just help yourself.
Oh, jeez! Sorry there.
I hope I didn't get the shin there.
Well, here we all are, and as the Scotch Jew said, Lachheim! Ha Ha Ha! TOGETHER: Lachheim! Hey, you know who's a funny guy? Flip Wilson.
But not as funny as Myron Cohen.
Well, you like both of them, don't ya? - Yeah! - Then say that.
You know, I really like that TV picture, uh, The Raid on Entebbe.
Oh, yeah.
Them Israelis really did a good job.
Leave it to a Jew to pull a fast one.
Uh, all I mean is that It's a It's a good example of Jewish brains.
Listen, why did you invite me by here today? Well, uh, like I was sayin' to you before the guys come, you know, that we never have a chance to talk to each other down at work.
Yeah, but you can talk to me at any time.
As a matter of fact, you did speak to me at lunch once.
Yeah, when? About five years ago.
Oh Ain't that wonderful? A man can remember after five years a little insignificant detail like that? That's my Jewish brain.
[LAUGHING.]
It certainly doesn't take much to get a laugh around here, does it? [LAUGHING.]
Hey, Arch, it just hit me-- you know what we need down at the Kings of Queens? A guy like Sol here with a great sense of humor.
Barney, what a hell of an idea.
And, I, the membership chairman, never thought of that myself? Sol, let me ask you: Did you ever hear of our club the Kings of Queens? Mmm Is that that fag joint down near the bus station? No, no No, no.
No, that's another-- No, that's the Queens of Queens.
Our club is the Kings of Queens.
The Kings is all men.
So is the Queens.
Yeah, Sol, but you know I mean real American guys like he-man guys like all of us here.
And we think that you belong with us.
Tell me about it.
Yeah, sure.
Well, it's a swell club, Sol, and one of the main things about our club is it ain't got a whole lot of pain-in-the-neck rules, you know? Like we never insist that a new member comes to all the meetings, do we fellas? ALL: Right! I can become a member, and I don't have to show up at all? No, you don't have to show up or nothin'.
Nothin' at all.
I mean like any of the social events there, the annual picnic with the wives and families.
You could stay away, now, couldn't he, guys? ALL: Stay away! And then we've got all the facilities of the club there, you know.
We got a pool, a handball court.
We got a little refreshment bar, a new library there You guys got books? Books, no.
The TV set is in there.
You know, Roots was my favorite TV show? Oh, yeah, Roots.
But the slavery filled me with shame.
But gettin' back to all the facilities.
See, you don't have to use none of them facilities at all.
And then January 1st you get a whole list through the mail of all the club's yearly events to stay away from.
But if I don't have to show up, what do you need me for? Well, we need you 'cause the club has got to-- Any club nowadays will tell you the same thing.
It's not just our club, but all of the clubs are feelin' the thing-- I'll tell you what it is, Sol.
Every club needs a certain amount of absentee members.
This is kind of a new thing.
You mean you're having an absentee membership drive? That's it, Sol, and we're startin' early.
Startin' early.
And--and we're startin' the first one with you.
So, Sol, what do ya say? Fellas, you know what makes me feel bad? No, what's that, Sol? That terrible article that was in the Flushing Tribune.
ARCHIE: Oh, that a was a lie.
Now, why did it say that the Kings of Queens was full of bigots? They're a bunch of lies there, Sol.
And here we are, sitting like brothers and you guys are ready to take me in.
No, we want you in there.
We want you.
And, fellas, I am accepting! [CHEERING.]
Sit down there.
Sit down.
I'd love to stay longer, but I promised my son I'd get home to help him write his Bar Mitzvah speech.
Oh, his Bar Mitzvah.
Ain't that nice? But I am in! [CHEERING.]
Terrific.
That's terrific! You know the first thing I'm gonna do as a new member? No, what? I am going to bring in more new members! Hold on, wait a minute I am going to spearhead that membership drive, and when I say spear, baby, I mean spear! I'm gonna bus in a load of my brothers from the Jackson Heights Synagogue Wait a minute, Sol And I'm gonna bring in another one from the Congress of Racial Equality.
No, no, Sol.
Oh, yeah.
All big mothers.
And my Jewish brothers are gonna look like those Entebbe commandos.
And my black brothers are gonna look like those big, angry slaves that was on your favorite TV program, Roots! And we all want to be initiated at the same time.
Lachheim! Wait, Sol, I think we better talk about this Archie, brother, you are going to love it.
Your club will take on a whole new color.
As a matter of fact, we're going to have to change the name.
Let me see now.
Ah! I got it.
The Kings of Queens of Spades! Now let me hear from ya! And in the meantime, Shalom, y'all! Ah, he don't mean that.
But, uh if he means it, we gotta look on the bright side, you know? Nobody could take us in basketball.
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.