All In The Family s08e06 Episode Script
Unequal Partners
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days ( humming ) The fish that got away Hey, Edith, there! Edith? ( continues humming ) Edith? You upstairs there, Edith? If you ain't in the house, say something to let me know, huh? I got a big surprise for you, Edith.
( shrieking ) Oh, hey! Hi! ( mumbling ) I can't kiss ya.
It's okay, Edith, I'll kiss the Brillo pads.
Oh you're home early.
Well, I would say that you're home late.
Oh, then I would say that's why you're home before I'm home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
I'll help you with the load, Edith.
Oh! Thank you Yeah, come on.
Come on.
There.
Yeah, now listen.
I got a big surprise for you.
You're gonna guess.
Now, guess what lucky couple is gonna take a weekend trip up to a cabin in New Hampshire for fishin' with their best friends, Barney and Blanche Hefner? I'll give you a hint, Edith.
One half of the couple is me.
Oh, and the other half is me, right? Oh, you're sharp today, Edith.
Oh, that's wonderful.
We ain't been on a trip since my cousin Walter's funeral.
Which cousin Walter was that? The one that died.
Oh, yeah.
I hope it's a nice cabin.
Oh, oh, this is a very nifty cabin, Edith.
It ain't one of your old-fashioned, rusty cabins, you know? Oh, no, this one is very modern, with inside plumbin' and everything.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah, so when nature calls in the dead of night, you don't have that 60-yard dash into the poison ivy.
Oh, yeah.
Remember? Oh, you was in torture, Edith.
And the best part of the whole thing, it ain't gonna cost us nothin', Edith, which is to say it's gonna absolutely free, or in other words, gratis.
Well, how come? 'Cause the cabin's owned by Barney's uncle, and Barney's gonna drive us up there in his car, but, Edith, we gotta be ready and packed and waitin' out in front of the house at 6:30 a.
m.
in the morning.
In the morning? In the morning is when Oh, no, we can't go no place tomorrow mornin'.
Why not? Because Mrs.
Tally and Mr.
Hooper are getting married tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Oh, ain't that lovely, Mrs.
Tally and Mr.
Hooper.
Who the hell are they? They're from the Sunshine Home.
Oh, the Sunshine Home.
And they're getting married right here in our house.
I told ya.
Yeah.
Edith, Edith, now let me ask you somethin'.
Don't you think that people have a hell of a nerve askin' other people to have their weddings in other people's houses? Oh, they didn't ask me, I offered.
I knew that, I knew that! See, Archie, we gotta be here, 'count of I made a four-part promise, and I can't go back on that.
I know I'm a jerk for asking this question, but I gotta.
What the hell's a four-part promise? Well, first I promised 'em they could be married here in our house.
Bad.
And second, I promised that I'd be the matron of honor.
Worse.
And third, I promised you'd be the best man.
Worser! And fourth, I promised I'd sing "Oh, Promise Me.
" Worsest of all! Edith, Edith, darling, do ya love me? Do I love you? Oh, Archie How much do you love me? How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie.
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky? I got my answer, Edith.
[CONTINUES SINGING.]
No more, no more.
You told me, Edith.
Don't go on with this.
Cut, cut, cut.
Cut! Now, get on the horn and call the Sunshine Home, and tell them people no dice.
Oh, no, I can't do that, Edith.
This is costin' money up here, Edith, come on.
Archie, I can't disappoint them nice two old people.
Why can't Barney wait till after the weddin'? We could leave by 12:30.
No, no, no, that shoots half of the day.
Don't you understand it takes five hours to drive up there, if you're lucky, and the only reason we're lucky is Barney drives like a maniac.
We could take the train, that would be faster.
There ain't no train into Lake Winnipesaukee.
Jeez, the Indians can't even find it with a canoe.
Well, then how are we gonna find it in Barney's car? Ah, don't pick me up.
You're trying to make a vicious argument out of this thing here.
No, I know, we'll fly.
How about that? The last time you flew, you used up every barf bag in economy class.
Oh, Archie, please-- No, Edith, no! Now, case closed.
Case closed.
We leave early in the mornin', when the crows cock.
No, Archie, please.
Court is adjourned, court is adjourned, court is adjourned.
You always get your own way.
Oh, come on, will you? Yes, you do.
You do.
I do not.
Yeah, yeah, when Gloria was born, I wanted to call her Jeanette.
Oh, jeez, here we go, back to chapter one.
After Jeanette MacDonald, my favorite movie star, but, no, we called her Gloria 'cause you didn't like Jeanette MacDonald.
Because her voice went through my head like a nail.
And you didn't wanna name her after Jeanette MacDonald, anyway.
You wanted to name her after Jeanette Gavarres, your friend with the fat ankles and the pop eyes.
No, that ain't true.
I wanted to name her after Jeanette MacDonald.
Let us not continue with this fruitless, loopless argument.
It is so old.
What about our first apartment? And, naturally, that's older.
I wanted to live in Jersey, but you wanted to live in Queens, so we lived in Queens.
Queens is closer to my work.
And further from my family.
That thought never crossed my mind.
Oh Oh, come on, Edith.
Let's not make a fight about this thing.
I tell you what I do, Edith, I'll make you a deal.
If you leave with me tomorrow-- Yeah, at 12:30.
Let me finish-- at 6:30 a.
m.
, I'll let you call Gloria Jeanette.
Now, that's the best I can do for you.
Oh, jeez, my knees.
Oh, no, Archie, that's dumb.
Don't say "dumb" when my knees are hurtin' me! Archie, we can't go till after the weddin'! This is the most important thing that ever happened to them two people, and we gotta help 'em enjoy it.
I don't wanna hear no more about it.
If you ain't ready to leave at 6:30 in the morning, I'm gonna leave without you.
Oh, jeez.
Edith-- Oh, jeez.
Edith, Edith.
Edith, where's my thanks for all I do, huh? Payin' for the food, the clothes, the taxes, the household utilities, huh? All day long on the job, workin' my butt off.
What about me? I'm here all day workin' my butt off! Oh, my God.
If your mother was here to hear that comin' out of your mouth.
I'm glad she died, Edith.
That killed everything you said up to that point, and now the argument is definitely over.
- No, it ain't over! - It is over! No, it ain't over.
Now, I ain't leavin' here tomorrow till after that weddin', and neither are you.
What? No, them people is dependin' on us, and I'm dependin' on you, and if you walk out on me tomorrow, you can keep on walkin'! [GASPS.]
Now the argument is over.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
I'm coming! Coming! [RINGS.]
All right, I'm opening the door now.
- What do you say, Arch? - Oh, Barney, I'm glad you could come over.
- Yeah? - Barney.
- What? - I got something very important to tell you.
- What is it? - Barney, I love you.
I wouldn't be ashamed to say that even in front of Anita O'Brien, God bless her.
What do you want, Arch? Barney, sit down here.
Sit down here.
- Eh? - Now, listen.
Barney, I mean, why should we get up, bleary-eyed, at 6:30 a.
m.
, you know? I mean, couldn't we leave a little later than 6:30 a.
m.
? Like when? What do you say to 12:30 p.
m.
? What, and blow half the weekend? What are you, nuts? No dice.
Wait, Barney, Barney, Barney, I ain't askin' this for myself.
I'm askin' it for two lovely old people from the Sunshine Home.
Get this--he's 84, she's 82.
What do you think they're gonna do tomorrow? Nothin' I'd wanna watch.
Get back here.
You're full of "obscenery" today, ain't ya? They're gettin' married here at 12:00, and one minute after 12, we could be out in the car with you there.
Nah, to hell with that.
I'm leavin' tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.
m.
Well, I guess I'm gonna have to have a chat with your trustin' little wife, Blanche.
[LAUGHS.]
If you're alludin' to the time that I kissed the coin lady at the launderette, Blanche knows all about that.
I ain't alludin', I'm talkin' about something.
I'm talkin' about a certain convention, Hook Stratton Hotel, Pittsburg, PA, mid-August of 19 and 67.
Oh, I heard all about the midnight swim in the indoor pool, with parties unmentionable, and unclothed.
You got the crust to throw that up to me? A fellow veteran of your foreign wars? A fellow lodge brother? And while we're at it, what about the secret oath of the lodge brothers, huh? A sacred oath.
To hell with it.
Could you make it a little closer to noon? Aw, sure, Barney, you know I'm gonna try to make it as close to noon as I possibly can.
Listen, I don't wanna kill this trip, I wanna have a lot of fun.
Barney, I meant what I said before.
I love ya.
- You know somethin', Arch? - What? You're a rat.
It's better than bein' a philanderer in a pool in Pittsburgh, Barney.
Hey, Edith! Edith! [HUMMING.]
Wait'll I tell ya, Edith, wait'll I tell ya.
Now, get the sour look off your face.
Come on, Edith.
- Gimme a smile.
- No, I ain't got time to talk to ya now.
I'm icin' the wedding cake.
Well, you don't have to ice your husband.
I just wanna say that Barney and me is gonna wait for you till after the weddin'.
- Oh, Archie! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, oh, look at this.
Ah.
Now, ain't you a little ashamed of all that hollerin' you done at me, Edith? How much do I love you I'll tell you now-- You better have some cake.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, my! Oh, Florence, you make a beautiful bride.
I always did.
Now, lemme see-- somethin' old, somethin' new, somethin' borrowed, somethin' blue.
We gotta find somethin' blue for ya.
- ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! - Yeah, Archie? The preacher's here.
The guests have been here.
Come on, it's two minutes to 12:00.
Rev it up there.
We just gotta find somethin' blue for the bride to wear.
Well, search her.
You're sure to find a big vein.
Okay, in there, Mr.
Hooper-- Oh, where is this man? [METAL RATTLES.]
What are you doing in the closet, Mr.
Hooper? I guess I'm hiding.
Oh, come on out of there.
What are you hiding for, huh? Well, I'm 84 years old, I've been a bachelor all my life, and I just don't want to be rushing into anything.
Are you thinking about that now? Look at the time, will ya? Oh, you can't see nothin'.
Come here, come here.
Now, don't tell me you're worried about your groomly duties or anything.
I don't have to tell ya about your intricate facts of [WHISPERS.]
sex, do I? Oh, I said I was a bachelor-- didn't say I was a virgin.
- So you've done it? - Yeah.
You liked it? - Well-- - You didn't like it? I'm tryin' to remember.
That's a joke we tell around the Sunshine Home.
- Come on, come on.
- No, no.
You ain't gonna-- Come here.
Come here.
Sit down.
Now, let me have a little talk.
I know just how you feel, see? Every guy feels the same way, you know? You hate giving up the old life, you hate saying good-bye to the old girlfriends.
Mine are all dead.
Swell! Then you're lucky.
Of course, to tell the truth, it has been a long time.
Aw, don't worry about that, you know? Because [WHISPERS.]
sex, see it's like riding a bike-- you never forget.
But for the best results, you've got to make believe that it's the first time for the both of youse, you know? You make her feel like-- like a ripe peach.
Even though she's been laying on the ground for a number of years.
And you gettin' married now, just think what a kick in the pants this is gonna be to all the people who probably thought you was a fag for 84 years.
You will love everything about living with a woman.
You'll love the look in the eye, the touch of the hand, huh? The sound of the sweet verse.
EDITH: Arrr-chiiieee! We're all ready! Yeah, all right, we're coming! Now, get everything started downstairs, Edith! We're coming now! Come on, Mr.
Hooper, get your coat on, huh? Because I'm in a kind of hurry.
Right after the wedding, see, I gotta leave on a fishin' trip.
Oh, fishin'! I love fishin'! I'd rather go fishin' than get married! Well, who wouldn't? But you're gettin' married.
It's all white inside, and then, well, the white icing.
See, every wedding cake has to be white.
And then I put a little lemon filling inside, and then I did my own Rose? Rose, don't go to sleep.
The wedding's gonna start.
I want you to stay awake.
I don't wanna hear no more of that, Hooper! Come on, come on.
Look, they're all waitin' for you.
You're the main event here.
Now, come on, come on.
Check yourself for drafts.
Ooop! - Where in hell is the priest? - Shh! Here.
Reverend Schaeffer, this is my husband, Archie Bunker.
How do you do, Mr.
Bunker? - Where's your book? - Right here.
Open it up, will ya? Now, listen, we want a very beautiful, modern ceremonial here.
I mean fast, you know? I'm afraid, Mr.
Bunker, that we won't-- Talk faster than that, now.
Now, Edith, come over here.
Come on, start the nuptial music here.
Well, you've got to go up and get Florence.
- I thought you was gonna do that.
- No, no! See, today, you've got to be the father of the bride.
Oh, my God! Go ahead, play.
I'll go start.
Oh, promise me That someday You and I Will take our love Together to some sky Not that one, Edith.
- That's too slow.
- What? It's too slow, and it's too sad.
Here.
Here, play the Bridal March.
And remember, it's a march, it's a march.
- Okay, all right.
- [PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH".]
Okay, Flo! I'm comin' to ya, Flo! Rose! Rose, Rose, wake up! [PLAYS RAGGEDLY.]
I was hoping you could move a little faster than this.
Now, don't make him nervous, Flo.
We're ready to start, Edith.
Cut.
[POUNDS RANDOM KEY.]
Okay, Reverend, you're on.
"Dearly beloved.
" Go.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the presence of these witnesses to join together this man and this woman-- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
Okay, Barney, be with ya in about two minutes there! No concern of yours.
Keep going here.
Join 'em, join 'em.
Go ahead.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together.
You already gathered them together.
Can't you just join 'em here? Mr.
Bunker, this is the form for the solemnization of matrimony.
We don't want the long form.
That's only for young people who are strong enough to stand up for half an hour listening to you.
This couple's gonna have to take a nap in five minutes.
Come on! Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here Stubborn guy! Must be a Swede! to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Oh, look at the time.
It's 26 minutes.
What time do you got--? prove that time is no barrier to love.
You two are living testimony that love is ageless.
Ohh! Ohh! No time for tears, Edith, no time for tears! Go ahead, keep goin'.
You two have experienced much of life.
They know that.
Look at them.
And life still has much in store for you.
And now, if there be anyone amongst you who has anything to say against these two marrying, let him speak now.
Marry 'em.
No one's gonna open his mouth.
BARNEY: Come on, Arch! There's no more time! Except Barney.
[SHOUTING.]
Another minute, Barney! We're in the home stretch, Reverend.
Finish it off.
Get to the you do, do youse, hmm? Do you, Herbert, take Florence to be your lawfully wedded wife? Go ahead, say you do.
I do.
There's Florence.
Check with her.
And do you, Florence, take Herbert to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
All right, it's over.
They're married.
Come on.
Archie, the ring! Oh, the ring? Excuse me there, Herb.
Give me the finger there.
- Here.
With this ring, I thee wed.
- Oh, no! Go on with the "renouncement," huh? Archie, he--! I know, I just wanted to move it a little faster.
Get in there! I now pronounce you man and wife.
EDITH: Awww! [APPLAUSE.]
Now you can throw the bouquet! Oh, Debbie! Debbie! Where's Debbie? Now, you catch it! Stand right there! All right.
Onetwothree! [CHEERING.]
You're next! Now, everybody, there's plenty of food and drink.
- Just help yourself.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, help yourself.
Eat all youse wanna, and anything youse don't wanna eat, be sure and put it in the ice box, 'cause we got roaches, see? All right, Edith, come on, let's go.
Now, Reverend, look, these are the keys to the house.
When youse are all done here, give 'em to my daughter Gloria next door, and then she'll lock everything up.
- Did you get paid? - No.
Somebody give him a dollar, huh? [CAR HORN HONKS.]
Okay, Barney, we are coming now! But Archie! Where's Herbert? - Herbert who? - Herbert Hooper! He died in California after inventing the Depression.
No, Archie, her husband! The groom, he's missing! That is the bride's responsibility, Edith.
We've done all for these people that we can do.
Now, let's get our gear out of the closet.
- Now, why is the closet locked? - I don't know.
- Gimme the key.
- I don't have a key.
- Who's got it? - HERBERT: I got it! - Who's that? - That's Herbert! Herbert Hooper, her husband! Oh! Hooper, get out of that closet and face your honeymoon like a man! HERBERT: I ain't comin' out out of here unless I can go fishin' with you! Let's go, Arch! Time's up! Barney, please, we got a little problem here.
Hey, Hooper, you're making me very sad out here.
HERBERT: I don't care.
Hey, Hooper, you're killing the fishing trip here.
You know how you can save it! All right, hold everything, hold everything.
Hold everything.
- Barney.
- Yeah? Wouldn't it be nice to do something - for an old couple, just got married? - Yeah.
- Wouldn't the cabin at the lake hold six persons? - Yeah.
- Couldn't we take the Hoopers fishin' with us? - No.
- Uh, is Blanche in the car down there? - Yeah.
Blanche, did you ever hear of the Hook Stratton Hotel? Come on, Hooper, let's go fishin'! I knew you'd see it my way, Barn! This'll be all right.
Now, you stay with the bride there.
Come on, Edith! Come on, Edith! All right, get packin'! Lets go! Come on, get outta here.
Barney, you done a beautiful thing, and you're gonna have a swell time.
[BLOWING RASPBERRY.]
ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
( shrieking ) Oh, hey! Hi! ( mumbling ) I can't kiss ya.
It's okay, Edith, I'll kiss the Brillo pads.
Oh you're home early.
Well, I would say that you're home late.
Oh, then I would say that's why you're home before I'm home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
I'll help you with the load, Edith.
Oh! Thank you Yeah, come on.
Come on.
There.
Yeah, now listen.
I got a big surprise for you.
You're gonna guess.
Now, guess what lucky couple is gonna take a weekend trip up to a cabin in New Hampshire for fishin' with their best friends, Barney and Blanche Hefner? I'll give you a hint, Edith.
One half of the couple is me.
Oh, and the other half is me, right? Oh, you're sharp today, Edith.
Oh, that's wonderful.
We ain't been on a trip since my cousin Walter's funeral.
Which cousin Walter was that? The one that died.
Oh, yeah.
I hope it's a nice cabin.
Oh, oh, this is a very nifty cabin, Edith.
It ain't one of your old-fashioned, rusty cabins, you know? Oh, no, this one is very modern, with inside plumbin' and everything.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah, so when nature calls in the dead of night, you don't have that 60-yard dash into the poison ivy.
Oh, yeah.
Remember? Oh, you was in torture, Edith.
And the best part of the whole thing, it ain't gonna cost us nothin', Edith, which is to say it's gonna absolutely free, or in other words, gratis.
Well, how come? 'Cause the cabin's owned by Barney's uncle, and Barney's gonna drive us up there in his car, but, Edith, we gotta be ready and packed and waitin' out in front of the house at 6:30 a.
m.
in the morning.
In the morning? In the morning is when Oh, no, we can't go no place tomorrow mornin'.
Why not? Because Mrs.
Tally and Mr.
Hooper are getting married tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Oh, ain't that lovely, Mrs.
Tally and Mr.
Hooper.
Who the hell are they? They're from the Sunshine Home.
Oh, the Sunshine Home.
And they're getting married right here in our house.
I told ya.
Yeah.
Edith, Edith, now let me ask you somethin'.
Don't you think that people have a hell of a nerve askin' other people to have their weddings in other people's houses? Oh, they didn't ask me, I offered.
I knew that, I knew that! See, Archie, we gotta be here, 'count of I made a four-part promise, and I can't go back on that.
I know I'm a jerk for asking this question, but I gotta.
What the hell's a four-part promise? Well, first I promised 'em they could be married here in our house.
Bad.
And second, I promised that I'd be the matron of honor.
Worse.
And third, I promised you'd be the best man.
Worser! And fourth, I promised I'd sing "Oh, Promise Me.
" Worsest of all! Edith, Edith, darling, do ya love me? Do I love you? Oh, Archie How much do you love me? How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie.
How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky? I got my answer, Edith.
[CONTINUES SINGING.]
No more, no more.
You told me, Edith.
Don't go on with this.
Cut, cut, cut.
Cut! Now, get on the horn and call the Sunshine Home, and tell them people no dice.
Oh, no, I can't do that, Edith.
This is costin' money up here, Edith, come on.
Archie, I can't disappoint them nice two old people.
Why can't Barney wait till after the weddin'? We could leave by 12:30.
No, no, no, that shoots half of the day.
Don't you understand it takes five hours to drive up there, if you're lucky, and the only reason we're lucky is Barney drives like a maniac.
We could take the train, that would be faster.
There ain't no train into Lake Winnipesaukee.
Jeez, the Indians can't even find it with a canoe.
Well, then how are we gonna find it in Barney's car? Ah, don't pick me up.
You're trying to make a vicious argument out of this thing here.
No, I know, we'll fly.
How about that? The last time you flew, you used up every barf bag in economy class.
Oh, Archie, please-- No, Edith, no! Now, case closed.
Case closed.
We leave early in the mornin', when the crows cock.
No, Archie, please.
Court is adjourned, court is adjourned, court is adjourned.
You always get your own way.
Oh, come on, will you? Yes, you do.
You do.
I do not.
Yeah, yeah, when Gloria was born, I wanted to call her Jeanette.
Oh, jeez, here we go, back to chapter one.
After Jeanette MacDonald, my favorite movie star, but, no, we called her Gloria 'cause you didn't like Jeanette MacDonald.
Because her voice went through my head like a nail.
And you didn't wanna name her after Jeanette MacDonald, anyway.
You wanted to name her after Jeanette Gavarres, your friend with the fat ankles and the pop eyes.
No, that ain't true.
I wanted to name her after Jeanette MacDonald.
Let us not continue with this fruitless, loopless argument.
It is so old.
What about our first apartment? And, naturally, that's older.
I wanted to live in Jersey, but you wanted to live in Queens, so we lived in Queens.
Queens is closer to my work.
And further from my family.
That thought never crossed my mind.
Oh Oh, come on, Edith.
Let's not make a fight about this thing.
I tell you what I do, Edith, I'll make you a deal.
If you leave with me tomorrow-- Yeah, at 12:30.
Let me finish-- at 6:30 a.
m.
, I'll let you call Gloria Jeanette.
Now, that's the best I can do for you.
Oh, jeez, my knees.
Oh, no, Archie, that's dumb.
Don't say "dumb" when my knees are hurtin' me! Archie, we can't go till after the weddin'! This is the most important thing that ever happened to them two people, and we gotta help 'em enjoy it.
I don't wanna hear no more about it.
If you ain't ready to leave at 6:30 in the morning, I'm gonna leave without you.
Oh, jeez.
Edith-- Oh, jeez.
Edith, Edith.
Edith, where's my thanks for all I do, huh? Payin' for the food, the clothes, the taxes, the household utilities, huh? All day long on the job, workin' my butt off.
What about me? I'm here all day workin' my butt off! Oh, my God.
If your mother was here to hear that comin' out of your mouth.
I'm glad she died, Edith.
That killed everything you said up to that point, and now the argument is definitely over.
- No, it ain't over! - It is over! No, it ain't over.
Now, I ain't leavin' here tomorrow till after that weddin', and neither are you.
What? No, them people is dependin' on us, and I'm dependin' on you, and if you walk out on me tomorrow, you can keep on walkin'! [GASPS.]
Now the argument is over.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
I'm coming! Coming! [RINGS.]
All right, I'm opening the door now.
- What do you say, Arch? - Oh, Barney, I'm glad you could come over.
- Yeah? - Barney.
- What? - I got something very important to tell you.
- What is it? - Barney, I love you.
I wouldn't be ashamed to say that even in front of Anita O'Brien, God bless her.
What do you want, Arch? Barney, sit down here.
Sit down here.
- Eh? - Now, listen.
Barney, I mean, why should we get up, bleary-eyed, at 6:30 a.
m.
, you know? I mean, couldn't we leave a little later than 6:30 a.
m.
? Like when? What do you say to 12:30 p.
m.
? What, and blow half the weekend? What are you, nuts? No dice.
Wait, Barney, Barney, Barney, I ain't askin' this for myself.
I'm askin' it for two lovely old people from the Sunshine Home.
Get this--he's 84, she's 82.
What do you think they're gonna do tomorrow? Nothin' I'd wanna watch.
Get back here.
You're full of "obscenery" today, ain't ya? They're gettin' married here at 12:00, and one minute after 12, we could be out in the car with you there.
Nah, to hell with that.
I'm leavin' tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.
m.
Well, I guess I'm gonna have to have a chat with your trustin' little wife, Blanche.
[LAUGHS.]
If you're alludin' to the time that I kissed the coin lady at the launderette, Blanche knows all about that.
I ain't alludin', I'm talkin' about something.
I'm talkin' about a certain convention, Hook Stratton Hotel, Pittsburg, PA, mid-August of 19 and 67.
Oh, I heard all about the midnight swim in the indoor pool, with parties unmentionable, and unclothed.
You got the crust to throw that up to me? A fellow veteran of your foreign wars? A fellow lodge brother? And while we're at it, what about the secret oath of the lodge brothers, huh? A sacred oath.
To hell with it.
Could you make it a little closer to noon? Aw, sure, Barney, you know I'm gonna try to make it as close to noon as I possibly can.
Listen, I don't wanna kill this trip, I wanna have a lot of fun.
Barney, I meant what I said before.
I love ya.
- You know somethin', Arch? - What? You're a rat.
It's better than bein' a philanderer in a pool in Pittsburgh, Barney.
Hey, Edith! Edith! [HUMMING.]
Wait'll I tell ya, Edith, wait'll I tell ya.
Now, get the sour look off your face.
Come on, Edith.
- Gimme a smile.
- No, I ain't got time to talk to ya now.
I'm icin' the wedding cake.
Well, you don't have to ice your husband.
I just wanna say that Barney and me is gonna wait for you till after the weddin'.
- Oh, Archie! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, oh, look at this.
Ah.
Now, ain't you a little ashamed of all that hollerin' you done at me, Edith? How much do I love you I'll tell you now-- You better have some cake.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, my! Oh, Florence, you make a beautiful bride.
I always did.
Now, lemme see-- somethin' old, somethin' new, somethin' borrowed, somethin' blue.
We gotta find somethin' blue for ya.
- ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! - Yeah, Archie? The preacher's here.
The guests have been here.
Come on, it's two minutes to 12:00.
Rev it up there.
We just gotta find somethin' blue for the bride to wear.
Well, search her.
You're sure to find a big vein.
Okay, in there, Mr.
Hooper-- Oh, where is this man? [METAL RATTLES.]
What are you doing in the closet, Mr.
Hooper? I guess I'm hiding.
Oh, come on out of there.
What are you hiding for, huh? Well, I'm 84 years old, I've been a bachelor all my life, and I just don't want to be rushing into anything.
Are you thinking about that now? Look at the time, will ya? Oh, you can't see nothin'.
Come here, come here.
Now, don't tell me you're worried about your groomly duties or anything.
I don't have to tell ya about your intricate facts of [WHISPERS.]
sex, do I? Oh, I said I was a bachelor-- didn't say I was a virgin.
- So you've done it? - Yeah.
You liked it? - Well-- - You didn't like it? I'm tryin' to remember.
That's a joke we tell around the Sunshine Home.
- Come on, come on.
- No, no.
You ain't gonna-- Come here.
Come here.
Sit down.
Now, let me have a little talk.
I know just how you feel, see? Every guy feels the same way, you know? You hate giving up the old life, you hate saying good-bye to the old girlfriends.
Mine are all dead.
Swell! Then you're lucky.
Of course, to tell the truth, it has been a long time.
Aw, don't worry about that, you know? Because [WHISPERS.]
sex, see it's like riding a bike-- you never forget.
But for the best results, you've got to make believe that it's the first time for the both of youse, you know? You make her feel like-- like a ripe peach.
Even though she's been laying on the ground for a number of years.
And you gettin' married now, just think what a kick in the pants this is gonna be to all the people who probably thought you was a fag for 84 years.
You will love everything about living with a woman.
You'll love the look in the eye, the touch of the hand, huh? The sound of the sweet verse.
EDITH: Arrr-chiiieee! We're all ready! Yeah, all right, we're coming! Now, get everything started downstairs, Edith! We're coming now! Come on, Mr.
Hooper, get your coat on, huh? Because I'm in a kind of hurry.
Right after the wedding, see, I gotta leave on a fishin' trip.
Oh, fishin'! I love fishin'! I'd rather go fishin' than get married! Well, who wouldn't? But you're gettin' married.
It's all white inside, and then, well, the white icing.
See, every wedding cake has to be white.
And then I put a little lemon filling inside, and then I did my own Rose? Rose, don't go to sleep.
The wedding's gonna start.
I want you to stay awake.
I don't wanna hear no more of that, Hooper! Come on, come on.
Look, they're all waitin' for you.
You're the main event here.
Now, come on, come on.
Check yourself for drafts.
Ooop! - Where in hell is the priest? - Shh! Here.
Reverend Schaeffer, this is my husband, Archie Bunker.
How do you do, Mr.
Bunker? - Where's your book? - Right here.
Open it up, will ya? Now, listen, we want a very beautiful, modern ceremonial here.
I mean fast, you know? I'm afraid, Mr.
Bunker, that we won't-- Talk faster than that, now.
Now, Edith, come over here.
Come on, start the nuptial music here.
Well, you've got to go up and get Florence.
- I thought you was gonna do that.
- No, no! See, today, you've got to be the father of the bride.
Oh, my God! Go ahead, play.
I'll go start.
Oh, promise me That someday You and I Will take our love Together to some sky Not that one, Edith.
- That's too slow.
- What? It's too slow, and it's too sad.
Here.
Here, play the Bridal March.
And remember, it's a march, it's a march.
- Okay, all right.
- [PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH".]
Okay, Flo! I'm comin' to ya, Flo! Rose! Rose, Rose, wake up! [PLAYS RAGGEDLY.]
I was hoping you could move a little faster than this.
Now, don't make him nervous, Flo.
We're ready to start, Edith.
Cut.
[POUNDS RANDOM KEY.]
Okay, Reverend, you're on.
"Dearly beloved.
" Go.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the presence of these witnesses to join together this man and this woman-- [CAR HORN HONKS.]
Okay, Barney, be with ya in about two minutes there! No concern of yours.
Keep going here.
Join 'em, join 'em.
Go ahead.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together.
You already gathered them together.
Can't you just join 'em here? Mr.
Bunker, this is the form for the solemnization of matrimony.
We don't want the long form.
That's only for young people who are strong enough to stand up for half an hour listening to you.
This couple's gonna have to take a nap in five minutes.
Come on! Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here Stubborn guy! Must be a Swede! to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Oh, look at the time.
It's 26 minutes.
What time do you got--? prove that time is no barrier to love.
You two are living testimony that love is ageless.
Ohh! Ohh! No time for tears, Edith, no time for tears! Go ahead, keep goin'.
You two have experienced much of life.
They know that.
Look at them.
And life still has much in store for you.
And now, if there be anyone amongst you who has anything to say against these two marrying, let him speak now.
Marry 'em.
No one's gonna open his mouth.
BARNEY: Come on, Arch! There's no more time! Except Barney.
[SHOUTING.]
Another minute, Barney! We're in the home stretch, Reverend.
Finish it off.
Get to the you do, do youse, hmm? Do you, Herbert, take Florence to be your lawfully wedded wife? Go ahead, say you do.
I do.
There's Florence.
Check with her.
And do you, Florence, take Herbert to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
All right, it's over.
They're married.
Come on.
Archie, the ring! Oh, the ring? Excuse me there, Herb.
Give me the finger there.
- Here.
With this ring, I thee wed.
- Oh, no! Go on with the "renouncement," huh? Archie, he--! I know, I just wanted to move it a little faster.
Get in there! I now pronounce you man and wife.
EDITH: Awww! [APPLAUSE.]
Now you can throw the bouquet! Oh, Debbie! Debbie! Where's Debbie? Now, you catch it! Stand right there! All right.
Onetwothree! [CHEERING.]
You're next! Now, everybody, there's plenty of food and drink.
- Just help yourself.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, help yourself.
Eat all youse wanna, and anything youse don't wanna eat, be sure and put it in the ice box, 'cause we got roaches, see? All right, Edith, come on, let's go.
Now, Reverend, look, these are the keys to the house.
When youse are all done here, give 'em to my daughter Gloria next door, and then she'll lock everything up.
- Did you get paid? - No.
Somebody give him a dollar, huh? [CAR HORN HONKS.]
Okay, Barney, we are coming now! But Archie! Where's Herbert? - Herbert who? - Herbert Hooper! He died in California after inventing the Depression.
No, Archie, her husband! The groom, he's missing! That is the bride's responsibility, Edith.
We've done all for these people that we can do.
Now, let's get our gear out of the closet.
- Now, why is the closet locked? - I don't know.
- Gimme the key.
- I don't have a key.
- Who's got it? - HERBERT: I got it! - Who's that? - That's Herbert! Herbert Hooper, her husband! Oh! Hooper, get out of that closet and face your honeymoon like a man! HERBERT: I ain't comin' out out of here unless I can go fishin' with you! Let's go, Arch! Time's up! Barney, please, we got a little problem here.
Hey, Hooper, you're making me very sad out here.
HERBERT: I don't care.
Hey, Hooper, you're killing the fishing trip here.
You know how you can save it! All right, hold everything, hold everything.
Hold everything.
- Barney.
- Yeah? Wouldn't it be nice to do something - for an old couple, just got married? - Yeah.
- Wouldn't the cabin at the lake hold six persons? - Yeah.
- Couldn't we take the Hoopers fishin' with us? - No.
- Uh, is Blanche in the car down there? - Yeah.
Blanche, did you ever hear of the Hook Stratton Hotel? Come on, Hooper, let's go fishin'! I knew you'd see it my way, Barn! This'll be all right.
Now, you stay with the bride there.
Come on, Edith! Come on, Edith! All right, get packin'! Lets go! Come on, get outta here.
Barney, you done a beautiful thing, and you're gonna have a swell time.
[BLOWING RASPBERRY.]
ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.