All In The Family s08e16 Episode Script
Super Bowl Sunday
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days EDITH: Sixty-seven ( Mike, Gloria sigh ) Sixty-eight Ahh.
Sixty-nine Haven't we made enough sandwiches yet? No.
Gloria, guys watchin' a Super Bowl game get very hungry.
Especially when they're watchin' in a saloon where they're doin' a lot of drinkin', see.
So keep going.
We gotta have at least 75 of them.
How much are you charging for 'em? Buck-fifty each.
I'll make a little dough on this.
Let's see, a buck-fifty times seventy-five is five-oh--oh-five cents-- three, four, five, carry the three, five is the I tell ya what's better than this, see.
Make 25 more, 100 altogether, and we charge $2 apiece, so 100 times 2, uh, that's, uh, that's, uh-- that'll bring in $200.
You always were good with numbers.
Yeah.
How come you're only givin' 'em ham sandwiches? Because my saloon is a ham joint, you know? Some saloons is liverwurst, some of the other saloons is bologna there, you go to other saloons, there's lettuce and tomato-- them's the kind of gay joints, you know-- but my saloon has always been ham.
Daddy, if Michael's gonna help out, I don't see why I can't come down to the bar and help out.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want them men grabbin' for my daughter.
I'm hirin' another girl for that.
Oh, yeah? Who? "Boom Boom" Turner.
Boom Boom? Oh, the one that works down at the plant.
The very same one.
First girl ever to wear steel-belted radial brassieres.
Her name is Mildred.
The name don't change this here.
Daddy, I hope you're paying Michael for this.
Yeah.
I'm payin' him the same I paid him to help me on New Year's Eve.
On New Year's Eve you didn't pay me anything.
Well, I'll pay ya twice that.
It's lucky for you we're related.
That's the kind of luck poor Mr.
Lincoln had the night he went to the movies when he sat in John Wilkes's booth.
Archie thinks he's gonna take in a thousand dollars tonight.
A thousand dollars? Really, Daddy? A thousand dollars at least.
With that big super TV screen I hired to watch the game on, the joint is gonna be packed out.
This should be the best business you ever had.
I think so.
Well, barring the day the Sons of Ireland bus broke down outside the bar and them 47 Ed McMahons come rushin' in there.
How much is it gonna cost you to rent this big TV screen? Plenty, but I'm layin' it off on the customers.
I'm chargin' 'em a little extree for every drink.
What, like a cover charge? You can't do that in a neighborhood bar.
You gotta keep out the riff-raff, don't ya? Those are your biggest customers.
For you.
I don't understand why people would pay extra to see a football game that they can see at home for free.
They're glad to pay extra to spend a couple of hours away from the wives.
Maybe the wives will want to come.
You think we want women hanging around there during the Super Bowl game? Runnin' around askin' stupid questions like "When are we gonna see Reggie Jackson?" Daddy.
Yeah.
Oh, geez! Mustard in the eye! Mustard in the eye! Wash it out, it's blindin' me here! I just was teasing! ( all talking ) Gee, get it outta there! Don't you know there's two very dangerous chemicals in mustard?! What? Acid and mustard! You get them things in your eye, it could destroy the rectal nerve! Ohh.
Ohh! I'm sorry, Daddy.
"Sorry," that don't restore my hindsight here! Come on, meathead, let's get the hell outta here.
She'll go after my other eye with an egg beater! Don't forget after the game we're goin' out to dinner! We're gonna do--ohh! Bye, Archie.
That's all right.
Don't do that! And don't do that-- put the sandwich back into the box after your chops got all salivated all over the thing! Get goin', will you? It's a disgrace, a whole corner of the thing gone.
Oh, well, what the hell.
( marching band plays on TV ) Thanks, Boom Boom.
MAN: Hey, Boom Boom, you're blockin' the screen.
Let her alone, that's only the pre-game stuff.
Let's look at Boom Boom.
Oh, yeah.
Ha ha ha! ( indistinct chatter ) ARCHIE: Enjoy yourselves there.
Drink up, fellas, drink up.
Look at the mob growin' in here.
You was the one that told me not to rent that big superscreen there, huh? I gotta hand it to ya, Arch, terrific idea.
MIKE: Arch, football pool's all sold out.
How much did you get? Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars, huh? Ten percent is mine for cuttin' this whole thing, so that makes approximately fifty dollars for me.
I see you lookin' at me, but don't do it, Harry.
This ain't got nothin' to do with you.
This ain't the partnership, this ain't the business.
This is mine personal, see? Announcement, everybody, announcement here! The football pool is all sold out now.
So, after the game some lucky bum is gonna be the winner of $500.
( all cheer ) Less ten percent for me, cuttin' it, you know, and keepin' the books on it.
( all boo ) And I'm holdin' onto it, too.
Just a minute, Arch.
How come you're holdin' the money? ALL: Yeah! Don't you trust me? All: Nooooo! I don't think they trust you, Arch.
Hey, fellas, all I asked was Barney over there.
And for him I got two very smart words: ( double raspberry ) Come on, Arch, you know the rules.
Nobody in the pool is allowed to hold the money.
Let's give it to a neutral party.
( all agree ) Yeah, let Boom Boom hold it.
Yeah, that's a great idea! Give the money to Boom Boom.
She knows where to put it! Here, Boom, Boom-- put it in the safe.
Wow! Five hundred dollars! My cups runneth over! ( all laugh ) Hey, get busy, get busy.
Come right in, gents.
Table for four? We're not with them.
Oh.
Would you two gents mind waiting a minute? Come right this way.
I got a couple of chairs right at this table for ya.
Your pleasure's my business.
Good crowd.
Very good.
We oughta walk outta here with a coupla thousand.
You know how many gas stations we'd have to knock over to get that kind of loot? Okay, fellas, a table for two? Step right this way.
Maybe we ain't got a table for two for you there, but we'll find some room.
You could move, huh? There.
I ain't seen youse guys before.
Youse from around here? No.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Well, what the hell's the difference? What we mean is, we're thinking of moving into the neighborhood.
Not a bad idea.
This neighborhood is like a hunk of Park Avenue-- only you never have to trip over the rich.
Sit down, sit down, enjoy yourself.
What's your pleasure? Uh, you got any, uh, I got an 11-year-old scotch that's due for a birthday next week.
Ha ha ha! You want a double on that? Yeah.
One double of the 11-year-old scotch there.
What do you like? Beer.
Four beers.
Four beers? Yeah, well, it's a long game.
( Star-Spangled Banner plays on TV ) Oh, the anthem, here it is.
Hey, everybody, pay attention, national anthem here.
ALL: * dawn's early light * What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming Now's the perfect time to stick 'em up, while they're all standing.
During the national anthem? What are you, a communist? ( anthem continues ) Hey, just look at these suckers.
This is gonna be the biggest day we ever had.
Boy, some crowd, huh, Arch? Listen, this is gonna be the best day we ever had.
banner yet wave O'er the land Of the free And the home Of the Brave TV: And there's the endof the first half of Super Bowl XII in the magnificent Louisiana Superdome in beautiful downtown New Orleans Okay, guys, the end of the first half.
I got an announcement to make, a Half-Time Special here, only at half-time-- two drinks for the price of one double.
Wait a minute! What's so special about two drinks for the price of a double? You get them at the same time.
Everybody's enjoying themselves and you have to come up with nasty questions there.
Now, Sam.
Let's do it now.
What's your hurry? 'Cause I told my wife I'm gonna pull a job.
If she finds out I'm watching a football game, she's gonna kill me! Arch, how can you sell a drink in a glass like that? What's the matter with the glass? Look at it.
It's got a false bottom.
What do you mean false bottom? A false bottom, there's no bottom.
This here glass got plenty of bottom.
We got more bottom than you need.
That's what I mean! You're cheating the customers! How? They order two ounces of booze, you're giving them four pounds of crystal.
Let me tell you something.
With this heavy glass, see, you don't get no tippage and you don't get no spillage.
With this heavy glass, the customers saves money.
With this heavy glass, every time the customer picks it up he dislocates his elbow.
With this heavy glass, I could raise a big bump on your head.
Who ya starin' at? Don't I know you from someplace? You don't know me from no place.
I don't forget a face.
I know you, buddy.
Forget my face and shut up, will ya? Don't tell me to shut up! Shut up! You a wise guy? Hey, Arch, I believe a fight is brewin'.
I ain't deaf and blind, Hank.
Get me the peacemaker, Harry.
There it is, Arch.
Hit 'em with the label up or you'll break the bat.
( both shouting ) Hold it, hold it! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Fellas, hey.
We got a strict rule in Archie's Place-- violence ain't allowed.
Any guy caught committin' violence gotta get his head crossed.
Now, what's it all about? ( both shouting ) No matter what it's all about, there's only one way to settle it.
Leave it to me.
What was you drinking? I was--I was drinking double scotches.
That's very nice.
Yeah.
And McCauley, you, as usual, was drinkin'-- Beer.
You ain't got much going for ya, have ya? Lookit, Archie, I'm tryin' to ex-- Whenever you fight, you wind up in the Q Gardens jail.
That's it! That's where I know this guy from! Cut! Cut! What do you mean, insultin' a gent here drinkin' 11-year-old scotch? I'm telin' ya-- McCauley, best thing you can do is pay your tab and shove off.
I got a bat.
All right.
Who needs this crummy joint? Let's go down to McFeeny's.
Yeah, you'll love it down there.
All right, fellas, think nothin' of it there.
Sit down, sit down.
Sorry, I lost my head here.
That's all right.
Think nothin' of it.
Guys like that, you know You need another double? Yeah, yeah.
Once again here on the double And a beer for you, huh? I still got two left.
Well, then, all you need is two more.
And I'll get you a sandwich to go with it.
Here's the sandwich.
There's only one there.
There you go.
Hey, hey, what's the matter here? Geez, the sandwiches went awful fast, didn't they? Yeah, they sure did.
How many? Five.
Five.
At two dollars a throw, that makes somewheres in the neighborhood of ten dollars.
Take it out of my salary.
( muttering ) No, no, Arch, he's the father of your grandchild.
How do I know that?! I need four sandwiches.
Three ham, and one lettuce and tomato.
We ain't got no sandwiches left, and we never had no lettuce and tomato.
Wait, wait.
Come here.
Who the hell is the lettuce and tomato? That guy over there.
Oh I'll get he didn't come on to you, neither.
No.
Oh.
If Lettuce and Tomato starts headin' for that men's toilet, you let me know.
You circulate here.
Relax and savor your drink.
Save it for what? I want to drink it.
You know, Jack, you're stupid, but you're loyal.
Yeah, it's true.
ARCHIE: Announcement, everybody.
Before the second half starts here, I just want to take the opportunity to express my, whaddyacallit, gratitude, and depreciation to all my loyal friends and customers here who are here with me today to share with me in watching this magnificent sportin' event.
( applause ) What I would like to do is to raise a toast-- toast, toast-- yeah, and my toast is to a happy new year, which as you all know just recently commenced, see, and may it have brotherly love and-and-and friendship and good feelings and long life to all.
Bottoms up.
ALL: Bottoms up.
Salud.
Okay.
Arch, that was beautiful.
I didn't know you had it in ya.
Don't be sloppin'.
Now that I got them to empty their glasses, you go get 'em to fill 'em up again.
All right.
Who needs a drink? ALL: Five, four, three, two, one! TV: ( gun shot ) And there's the gun ending the game.
Super Bowl XII is history.
Hey! Hey! I win the pool! I win the pool! Five hundred bucks! More important than that, we're takin' in here over a thousand dollars.
This may go to $1200 here.
Twelve hundred smackaroos? That's right.
And we're stickin' it all right into that bank suppository as soon as we get a chance.
Hey, Arch, don't you think this calls for drinks on the house? You're damn right-- one for you and one for me.
Hey, pal, I'd like to say a few words to all the customers before anyone leaves, okay? Oh, sure, sure.
Hey, announcement! Announcement there.
My new buddy here-- what's your name again? Just call me Sam.
My new buddy here Sam, before anybody leaves, he wants to say a few words to ya there, so hang on for this, because you never know, the guy might spring for a round of drinks for everybody.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I just want to say that this is a hold-up, so nobody move.
( all laugh ) ( fires gun, patrons scream ) I ain't kiddin'.
Now, if anyone tries to leave, I guarantee they'll be detained at the door by my partner.
( gunshot, screams ) Hey! You're shootin' holes in our ceiling! You want I should put a hole in him? You wouldn't want that, would you, stupid? No, stick to the ceiling.
All right.
Everybody remove your watches.
And take your money and your wallets out of your pockets and put it on the tables.
You, girly.
Me? Yeah, you.
You got somethin' in there? Sure.
What? Me.
Well, I thought I saw somethin' green.
Whaddya, got one of them Muppets in there? Take this bag.
Drop your tray.
Drop it! Put the money in there.
And go get the valuables.
Go ahead, move it! And I'll take this.
Sweetheart amble over here and take care of this.
Where's your gold? Uh--oh, yeah.
Wait a second.
I, uh-- Arch, here's the ten dollars you wanted for the sandwiches.
Oh, thanks, meathead.
I'll take that.
And perchance is there something left in the cash register? There ain't nothin'! You got it all, you cleaned me out! Open it.
Oh, all right.
See? There ain't nothin' in there.
Perhaps there's something hidden under the cash drawer? There ain't nothin' under-- well, there is my lucky buck here, but geez, I wouldn't want to lose that.
Why? It ain't doin' you no good.
Very true.
Awright, out from behind the bar.
Yeah, out from behind the bar.
Geez.
Now everybody drop your pants.
( all groan, protest ) ( fires gun ) Aaaah! Drop the pants, drop the pants.
Now Simon says put your hands on your heads.
I said both hands.
Couldn't you spare the other one? Okay, I don't want none of you to move for five minutes.
How we gonna tell five minutes? You stole everybody's watch! You count! One, Mississippi, two, Mississippi-- everybody!-- three, Mississippi, ALL: four Mississippi, five, Mississippi, six, Mississippi, seven, Mississippi, eight, Mississippi, nine, Mississippi, ten, Mississippi, eleven, Mississippi, twelve Mississippi, thirteen, Mississippi, fourteen, Mississippi Arch.
What, Mississippi? They're gone.
I'm puttin' my pants on.
Do you want them to come back and kill you, Mississippi? At least I'll be found with my pants on, Mississippi.
( counting continues ) ( dialogue inaudible under audience laughter ) ( counting continues ) What's going on? Daddy, what game are you playing? Don't ask no questions, little girl! We just gotta stand like this for the next four minutes! EDITH: What happened? There was an armed robbery here! Ahhhh! Two guys came in here, held us up, and made us drop our pants.
Oh, no! Honey, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
That's terrible, Michael.
Was anybody hurt? Everybody was hurt, Edith! We was all wounded right in our wallets! Oh, my, pull up your pants.
All right, geez! Edith, this is the worst day of my whole life.
After all the--owww! Will you let me do this? I know where everything goes.
Ahhh Oh, poor Archie.
Twelve hundred dollars gone like that.
But I wanna tell ya, the most humiliating thing of all, Edith What? Of all this crowd of men here I had the worstest-lookin' shorts.
Yeah.
But you had the bestest-lookin' legs.
Yeah? Yeah.
And I heard a man over there sayin' he thought you did, too.
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Sixty-nine Haven't we made enough sandwiches yet? No.
Gloria, guys watchin' a Super Bowl game get very hungry.
Especially when they're watchin' in a saloon where they're doin' a lot of drinkin', see.
So keep going.
We gotta have at least 75 of them.
How much are you charging for 'em? Buck-fifty each.
I'll make a little dough on this.
Let's see, a buck-fifty times seventy-five is five-oh--oh-five cents-- three, four, five, carry the three, five is the I tell ya what's better than this, see.
Make 25 more, 100 altogether, and we charge $2 apiece, so 100 times 2, uh, that's, uh, that's, uh-- that'll bring in $200.
You always were good with numbers.
Yeah.
How come you're only givin' 'em ham sandwiches? Because my saloon is a ham joint, you know? Some saloons is liverwurst, some of the other saloons is bologna there, you go to other saloons, there's lettuce and tomato-- them's the kind of gay joints, you know-- but my saloon has always been ham.
Daddy, if Michael's gonna help out, I don't see why I can't come down to the bar and help out.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want them men grabbin' for my daughter.
I'm hirin' another girl for that.
Oh, yeah? Who? "Boom Boom" Turner.
Boom Boom? Oh, the one that works down at the plant.
The very same one.
First girl ever to wear steel-belted radial brassieres.
Her name is Mildred.
The name don't change this here.
Daddy, I hope you're paying Michael for this.
Yeah.
I'm payin' him the same I paid him to help me on New Year's Eve.
On New Year's Eve you didn't pay me anything.
Well, I'll pay ya twice that.
It's lucky for you we're related.
That's the kind of luck poor Mr.
Lincoln had the night he went to the movies when he sat in John Wilkes's booth.
Archie thinks he's gonna take in a thousand dollars tonight.
A thousand dollars? Really, Daddy? A thousand dollars at least.
With that big super TV screen I hired to watch the game on, the joint is gonna be packed out.
This should be the best business you ever had.
I think so.
Well, barring the day the Sons of Ireland bus broke down outside the bar and them 47 Ed McMahons come rushin' in there.
How much is it gonna cost you to rent this big TV screen? Plenty, but I'm layin' it off on the customers.
I'm chargin' 'em a little extree for every drink.
What, like a cover charge? You can't do that in a neighborhood bar.
You gotta keep out the riff-raff, don't ya? Those are your biggest customers.
For you.
I don't understand why people would pay extra to see a football game that they can see at home for free.
They're glad to pay extra to spend a couple of hours away from the wives.
Maybe the wives will want to come.
You think we want women hanging around there during the Super Bowl game? Runnin' around askin' stupid questions like "When are we gonna see Reggie Jackson?" Daddy.
Yeah.
Oh, geez! Mustard in the eye! Mustard in the eye! Wash it out, it's blindin' me here! I just was teasing! ( all talking ) Gee, get it outta there! Don't you know there's two very dangerous chemicals in mustard?! What? Acid and mustard! You get them things in your eye, it could destroy the rectal nerve! Ohh.
Ohh! I'm sorry, Daddy.
"Sorry," that don't restore my hindsight here! Come on, meathead, let's get the hell outta here.
She'll go after my other eye with an egg beater! Don't forget after the game we're goin' out to dinner! We're gonna do--ohh! Bye, Archie.
That's all right.
Don't do that! And don't do that-- put the sandwich back into the box after your chops got all salivated all over the thing! Get goin', will you? It's a disgrace, a whole corner of the thing gone.
Oh, well, what the hell.
( marching band plays on TV ) Thanks, Boom Boom.
MAN: Hey, Boom Boom, you're blockin' the screen.
Let her alone, that's only the pre-game stuff.
Let's look at Boom Boom.
Oh, yeah.
Ha ha ha! ( indistinct chatter ) ARCHIE: Enjoy yourselves there.
Drink up, fellas, drink up.
Look at the mob growin' in here.
You was the one that told me not to rent that big superscreen there, huh? I gotta hand it to ya, Arch, terrific idea.
MIKE: Arch, football pool's all sold out.
How much did you get? Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars, huh? Ten percent is mine for cuttin' this whole thing, so that makes approximately fifty dollars for me.
I see you lookin' at me, but don't do it, Harry.
This ain't got nothin' to do with you.
This ain't the partnership, this ain't the business.
This is mine personal, see? Announcement, everybody, announcement here! The football pool is all sold out now.
So, after the game some lucky bum is gonna be the winner of $500.
( all cheer ) Less ten percent for me, cuttin' it, you know, and keepin' the books on it.
( all boo ) And I'm holdin' onto it, too.
Just a minute, Arch.
How come you're holdin' the money? ALL: Yeah! Don't you trust me? All: Nooooo! I don't think they trust you, Arch.
Hey, fellas, all I asked was Barney over there.
And for him I got two very smart words: ( double raspberry ) Come on, Arch, you know the rules.
Nobody in the pool is allowed to hold the money.
Let's give it to a neutral party.
( all agree ) Yeah, let Boom Boom hold it.
Yeah, that's a great idea! Give the money to Boom Boom.
She knows where to put it! Here, Boom, Boom-- put it in the safe.
Wow! Five hundred dollars! My cups runneth over! ( all laugh ) Hey, get busy, get busy.
Come right in, gents.
Table for four? We're not with them.
Oh.
Would you two gents mind waiting a minute? Come right this way.
I got a couple of chairs right at this table for ya.
Your pleasure's my business.
Good crowd.
Very good.
We oughta walk outta here with a coupla thousand.
You know how many gas stations we'd have to knock over to get that kind of loot? Okay, fellas, a table for two? Step right this way.
Maybe we ain't got a table for two for you there, but we'll find some room.
You could move, huh? There.
I ain't seen youse guys before.
Youse from around here? No.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Well, what the hell's the difference? What we mean is, we're thinking of moving into the neighborhood.
Not a bad idea.
This neighborhood is like a hunk of Park Avenue-- only you never have to trip over the rich.
Sit down, sit down, enjoy yourself.
What's your pleasure? Uh, you got any, uh, I got an 11-year-old scotch that's due for a birthday next week.
Ha ha ha! You want a double on that? Yeah.
One double of the 11-year-old scotch there.
What do you like? Beer.
Four beers.
Four beers? Yeah, well, it's a long game.
( Star-Spangled Banner plays on TV ) Oh, the anthem, here it is.
Hey, everybody, pay attention, national anthem here.
ALL: * dawn's early light * What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming Now's the perfect time to stick 'em up, while they're all standing.
During the national anthem? What are you, a communist? ( anthem continues ) Hey, just look at these suckers.
This is gonna be the biggest day we ever had.
Boy, some crowd, huh, Arch? Listen, this is gonna be the best day we ever had.
banner yet wave O'er the land Of the free And the home Of the Brave TV: And there's the endof the first half of Super Bowl XII in the magnificent Louisiana Superdome in beautiful downtown New Orleans Okay, guys, the end of the first half.
I got an announcement to make, a Half-Time Special here, only at half-time-- two drinks for the price of one double.
Wait a minute! What's so special about two drinks for the price of a double? You get them at the same time.
Everybody's enjoying themselves and you have to come up with nasty questions there.
Now, Sam.
Let's do it now.
What's your hurry? 'Cause I told my wife I'm gonna pull a job.
If she finds out I'm watching a football game, she's gonna kill me! Arch, how can you sell a drink in a glass like that? What's the matter with the glass? Look at it.
It's got a false bottom.
What do you mean false bottom? A false bottom, there's no bottom.
This here glass got plenty of bottom.
We got more bottom than you need.
That's what I mean! You're cheating the customers! How? They order two ounces of booze, you're giving them four pounds of crystal.
Let me tell you something.
With this heavy glass, see, you don't get no tippage and you don't get no spillage.
With this heavy glass, the customers saves money.
With this heavy glass, every time the customer picks it up he dislocates his elbow.
With this heavy glass, I could raise a big bump on your head.
Who ya starin' at? Don't I know you from someplace? You don't know me from no place.
I don't forget a face.
I know you, buddy.
Forget my face and shut up, will ya? Don't tell me to shut up! Shut up! You a wise guy? Hey, Arch, I believe a fight is brewin'.
I ain't deaf and blind, Hank.
Get me the peacemaker, Harry.
There it is, Arch.
Hit 'em with the label up or you'll break the bat.
( both shouting ) Hold it, hold it! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Fellas, hey.
We got a strict rule in Archie's Place-- violence ain't allowed.
Any guy caught committin' violence gotta get his head crossed.
Now, what's it all about? ( both shouting ) No matter what it's all about, there's only one way to settle it.
Leave it to me.
What was you drinking? I was--I was drinking double scotches.
That's very nice.
Yeah.
And McCauley, you, as usual, was drinkin'-- Beer.
You ain't got much going for ya, have ya? Lookit, Archie, I'm tryin' to ex-- Whenever you fight, you wind up in the Q Gardens jail.
That's it! That's where I know this guy from! Cut! Cut! What do you mean, insultin' a gent here drinkin' 11-year-old scotch? I'm telin' ya-- McCauley, best thing you can do is pay your tab and shove off.
I got a bat.
All right.
Who needs this crummy joint? Let's go down to McFeeny's.
Yeah, you'll love it down there.
All right, fellas, think nothin' of it there.
Sit down, sit down.
Sorry, I lost my head here.
That's all right.
Think nothin' of it.
Guys like that, you know You need another double? Yeah, yeah.
Once again here on the double And a beer for you, huh? I still got two left.
Well, then, all you need is two more.
And I'll get you a sandwich to go with it.
Here's the sandwich.
There's only one there.
There you go.
Hey, hey, what's the matter here? Geez, the sandwiches went awful fast, didn't they? Yeah, they sure did.
How many? Five.
Five.
At two dollars a throw, that makes somewheres in the neighborhood of ten dollars.
Take it out of my salary.
( muttering ) No, no, Arch, he's the father of your grandchild.
How do I know that?! I need four sandwiches.
Three ham, and one lettuce and tomato.
We ain't got no sandwiches left, and we never had no lettuce and tomato.
Wait, wait.
Come here.
Who the hell is the lettuce and tomato? That guy over there.
Oh I'll get he didn't come on to you, neither.
No.
Oh.
If Lettuce and Tomato starts headin' for that men's toilet, you let me know.
You circulate here.
Relax and savor your drink.
Save it for what? I want to drink it.
You know, Jack, you're stupid, but you're loyal.
Yeah, it's true.
ARCHIE: Announcement, everybody.
Before the second half starts here, I just want to take the opportunity to express my, whaddyacallit, gratitude, and depreciation to all my loyal friends and customers here who are here with me today to share with me in watching this magnificent sportin' event.
( applause ) What I would like to do is to raise a toast-- toast, toast-- yeah, and my toast is to a happy new year, which as you all know just recently commenced, see, and may it have brotherly love and-and-and friendship and good feelings and long life to all.
Bottoms up.
ALL: Bottoms up.
Salud.
Okay.
Arch, that was beautiful.
I didn't know you had it in ya.
Don't be sloppin'.
Now that I got them to empty their glasses, you go get 'em to fill 'em up again.
All right.
Who needs a drink? ALL: Five, four, three, two, one! TV: ( gun shot ) And there's the gun ending the game.
Super Bowl XII is history.
Hey! Hey! I win the pool! I win the pool! Five hundred bucks! More important than that, we're takin' in here over a thousand dollars.
This may go to $1200 here.
Twelve hundred smackaroos? That's right.
And we're stickin' it all right into that bank suppository as soon as we get a chance.
Hey, Arch, don't you think this calls for drinks on the house? You're damn right-- one for you and one for me.
Hey, pal, I'd like to say a few words to all the customers before anyone leaves, okay? Oh, sure, sure.
Hey, announcement! Announcement there.
My new buddy here-- what's your name again? Just call me Sam.
My new buddy here Sam, before anybody leaves, he wants to say a few words to ya there, so hang on for this, because you never know, the guy might spring for a round of drinks for everybody.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I just want to say that this is a hold-up, so nobody move.
( all laugh ) ( fires gun, patrons scream ) I ain't kiddin'.
Now, if anyone tries to leave, I guarantee they'll be detained at the door by my partner.
( gunshot, screams ) Hey! You're shootin' holes in our ceiling! You want I should put a hole in him? You wouldn't want that, would you, stupid? No, stick to the ceiling.
All right.
Everybody remove your watches.
And take your money and your wallets out of your pockets and put it on the tables.
You, girly.
Me? Yeah, you.
You got somethin' in there? Sure.
What? Me.
Well, I thought I saw somethin' green.
Whaddya, got one of them Muppets in there? Take this bag.
Drop your tray.
Drop it! Put the money in there.
And go get the valuables.
Go ahead, move it! And I'll take this.
Sweetheart amble over here and take care of this.
Where's your gold? Uh--oh, yeah.
Wait a second.
I, uh-- Arch, here's the ten dollars you wanted for the sandwiches.
Oh, thanks, meathead.
I'll take that.
And perchance is there something left in the cash register? There ain't nothin'! You got it all, you cleaned me out! Open it.
Oh, all right.
See? There ain't nothin' in there.
Perhaps there's something hidden under the cash drawer? There ain't nothin' under-- well, there is my lucky buck here, but geez, I wouldn't want to lose that.
Why? It ain't doin' you no good.
Very true.
Awright, out from behind the bar.
Yeah, out from behind the bar.
Geez.
Now everybody drop your pants.
( all groan, protest ) ( fires gun ) Aaaah! Drop the pants, drop the pants.
Now Simon says put your hands on your heads.
I said both hands.
Couldn't you spare the other one? Okay, I don't want none of you to move for five minutes.
How we gonna tell five minutes? You stole everybody's watch! You count! One, Mississippi, two, Mississippi-- everybody!-- three, Mississippi, ALL: four Mississippi, five, Mississippi, six, Mississippi, seven, Mississippi, eight, Mississippi, nine, Mississippi, ten, Mississippi, eleven, Mississippi, twelve Mississippi, thirteen, Mississippi, fourteen, Mississippi Arch.
What, Mississippi? They're gone.
I'm puttin' my pants on.
Do you want them to come back and kill you, Mississippi? At least I'll be found with my pants on, Mississippi.
( counting continues ) ( dialogue inaudible under audience laughter ) ( counting continues ) What's going on? Daddy, what game are you playing? Don't ask no questions, little girl! We just gotta stand like this for the next four minutes! EDITH: What happened? There was an armed robbery here! Ahhhh! Two guys came in here, held us up, and made us drop our pants.
Oh, no! Honey, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
That's terrible, Michael.
Was anybody hurt? Everybody was hurt, Edith! We was all wounded right in our wallets! Oh, my, pull up your pants.
All right, geez! Edith, this is the worst day of my whole life.
After all the--owww! Will you let me do this? I know where everything goes.
Ahhh Oh, poor Archie.
Twelve hundred dollars gone like that.
But I wanna tell ya, the most humiliating thing of all, Edith What? Of all this crowd of men here I had the worstest-lookin' shorts.
Yeah.
But you had the bestest-lookin' legs.
Yeah? Yeah.
And I heard a man over there sayin' he thought you did, too.
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.