All Night (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Karaoke
1 WOMAN: Previously on "All Night" - Let's do this thing.
- Stop, Roni.
I don't want this.
Ever think you might be overlooking the obvious? He's gay.
DEANNA: He only likes her because she's pretty and plays a children's instrument.
- What he and I have is - Is irrelevant.
What you need is for him to see you as his hot sister.
You know what I mean.
- For the valedictorian, huh? - The future is female.
- Whoo! - And all of the sudden, you're a part of Roni's little gang of minions and hanging out with Alexis 24/7? Do you have a crush on her? No.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
An impressive Prince selection.
You know, my aunt met him on a bus once, and he called her "interesting.
" Wow.
Ooh, we should do Kiss.
But with my falsetto, it's just so obvious.
What song do you want to sing? How about that new one called "I Just Sit and Watch"? What? You have an amazing voice.
You sing for me all the time.
That doesn't mean I want to do it in front of the whole school.
I am not Sherman Grove High's resident rock star.
Well, I guess this resident rock star will just have to serenade you.
Do you remember the choreography from our 8th grade Taylor Swift medley? "From Heartache to Heartbreak," "Taylor's Journey," because they have all the songs in here.
Yeah, well, speaking of heartache and heartbreak - Ooh.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh! - Dude.
He's not gay, right? Of course not.
It's normal bro-havior.
Straight guys are obsessed with their balls.
They love them.
Do you know how frustrating it is to watch people butcher music they didn't even write? You know what we should do? Find the most depressing, mood-killing song in this book and sing it so seriously people want to crawl under their chairs and weep? I was thinking that they could just weep into their hands, but your version is much better.
Yeah.
Oh, are you planning on singing with your best pal, Alexis, or has she been preparing for her solo performance since last year? Yeah, yeah, I bet she's putting fire in the show, or Riverdancing? No, she's gonna wear that see-through leotard she wore for "Wicked.
" Sadly, that leotard is at the cleaner's, but I hear there might be a cape.
- All right.
- A cape? RONI: Are you seeing this? He's dabbing it on just like the Sephora lip specialist taught us.
Oz is so smart.
Yeah, and so gay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Yeah, dude.
We're gonna kill it.
Oh, babe, get this.
We're gonna sing "Pony" and go full "Magic Mike," you know what I'm saying? [BEATBOXING.]
I'm gonna need you to stop.
Can we talk a sec? Yeah, yeah, one sec.
Okay, so you know how much I care about you.
I think so.
And you know when I care about someone, I would do anything for them.
I always put other people first.
It's, honestly, probably my biggest flaw.
Sure.
So then you know you can talk to me about anything.
Cool, yeah, thanks.
Uh, we good? I need to go, like, stretch it out before "Pony.
" What what I'm saying is you can come out.
Of? Of this prison of walls you've built around you.
Are you drunk? I don't think I've ever been more sober in my life.
It's obviously hard for you to say, but that's all right.
I can speak for you.
Okay.
You're gay.
No, I'm not.
I'm not mad.
I'm an ally.
Three words: it gets better.
Three more words: I'm not gay.
Please, the tailoring, the lippy.
- All the signs are there.
- Okay.
I'm pretty sure that's really offensive.
How about the most obvious sign: you won't have sex with me.
That that's not true, exactly.
Am I not attractive? - Am I not enough? - No.
- You're beautiful.
- So you're gay.
I'm not gay.
That's the only possible reason.
- No, it's not.
- Then what is it? I have a broken penis.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
I don't need your love I don't need your love So why you bringing me down? Come on, lift me up, come on, lift me up Melinda! You're not the only one, not the only one I'm not asking.
Okay, I am, but willfully.
Come on, lift me up Quit messing around Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm really not the best dancer.
I pretty much spend my life trying to avoid dancing in pubic.
- Didn't you go to prom? - Yeah.
I stamped your hand at the door.
Right, right, right, right.
- Excellent stamping skills.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's five minutes till karaoke.
Bernie and I are about to go up there and kill it.
This was fun.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Hang on.
Sing with us.
- No! The only thing more terrifying than dancing in public is singing in public.
Well, that's all the more reason you should do it.
Plus, I heard if you sing, you get a muffin.
It better be blueberry.
If it's bran, I walk.
Come on.
Not having my phone sucks, but I will say, I do feel very mindful.
I'd feel a lot more mindful if I had my mindfulness app.
Hey, you seen Cody? Last time I saw him, he was hanging out with Stefania.
Have you seen Stefania? No.
It is grad night, mi amigo.
Anything can happen.
Aqua surveillance is the key to finding cosplayqueen7, the anonymous Tumblr icon who has stolen our hearts.
You take the land.
I'll take the sea.
- Oh.
- What? No, no, it's fine, I just thought I'd take the sea.
- I have the goggles.
- Because I lent them to you.
Do you want to take the sea? Take the sea.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- [WHISTLE BLASTS.]
Karaoke will start in five minutes.
Whoo! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dang.
The power of song.
You know you don't need any of this stuff.
You don't need any of this stuff.
Your eyebrows are crafted by angels.
Actually, an Estonian woman called Greta.
Really? I need her number.
Oh, sharing an esthetician.
What's next, holding hands in public? [LAUGHS.]
Soon, okay? I just I need it to be the right time.
Hey, I know you'll come out when you want, if you want, and, I'll admit, I'm kind of digging the secrecy.
I know, right? I mean, it's sort of fun.
Remember that one time at Roni's lake house, where she asked me why I was wearing your bikini top? Yeah, and you told her it was a style choice, and she and Lyssee switched tops five minutes later.
You know, maybe we should trade bras for fashion reasons.
Okay.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
MAN: And now we're dancing in the afterglow And then the children's choir comes in out of nowhere and somehow makes it even sadder.
"Christmas Shoes" is the ultimate depressing song.
I was getting depressed by "Christmas Shoes" way before it was cool.
Well, I own it on a special green vinyl.
The album cover is shaped like an actual shoe.
What then wait, wait, wait.
How would you fit it on the record never mind.
You know what, this is the best possible iteration of karaoke.
Oh, even better than singing with Roni while she provides the backing track on her precious ukulele? What do you have against ukuleles? They're guitars that refuse to grow up.
All right.
Well, "Christmas Shoes" it is.
It's got death, poverty, and Jesus: the holy trinity of buzzkill.
Yeah, so it was broke.
Oh, there you guys are.
Great news.
The whole "Oz is gay" thing was a total misunderstanding.
- He broke his penis.
- During lacrosse.
- Lacrosse? - Yes, lacrosse.
See, I knew there was a reason he wasn't having sex with me.
I didn't know you could break a penis.
Oh, you can.
Although, technically it's a fracture since there's no bone.
Wait, Roni, don't you go to every game? Wouldn't you have seen this happen? Oz has a really high pain tolerance.
He might not have noticed until after, or it could have been at practice.
Then why didn't he tell you? I guess he didn't want to worry me.
Poor kid, suffering in silence.
So brave.
- This doesn't add up.
- Yes, it does.
Here, let me show you.
Okay, Jonas is Oz.
Hi hey, guys.
There's no need for Oz to speak.
So Jonas is Oz, and I'm the opposing player who is very evil.
How evil? Like Cersei Lannister evil or like Voldemort evil? Like their supremely evil child.
- What? - [LAUGHS.]
I don't think you understand the ramifications in both canons of the Shh.
Okay.
So I'm coming at you with my big stick, and - Ahh! - Yeah.
But it's a contact sport, so he's wearing a cup.
- I'm not.
- Hush.
So maybe the angle is more like Ahh! Maybe Stymie could be Oz.
And then it goes under the cup, right? - And he was hard? - What? No.
Why would he be hard during lacrosse? Love of the game.
Or maybe he was not aroused by lacrosse and broke it anyway.
Ron, I'm sorry, but if he was flaccid, he would have a bruise.
If he broke it, he was turgid.
SAT word.
740 verbal, bitches.
I'm not getting turgid for this.
No, you're you're wrong.
I mean, what makes you such an expert? I have a friend who broke one.
- Google it.
- Okay.
But what if a weight fell on him, or Oz's soft is like a normal guy's hard.
Roni, respectfully your dude was boning someone else.
Is there any way he could still be gay? - Left cheek.
- Right cheek.
Left cheek.
Right cheek.
- Left cheek.
- Right cheek.
- Left cheek.
- Okay.
BOTH: Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
- Shake that fatty! - Shake that fatty.
Ooh, she got a big one, now it's getting smaller.
Oh, cool, cool, 'cause you should call her.
Tell her that you are gonna BOTH: Thighs, uh, thighs, uh.
Thighs, thighs, thighs.
BOTH: Thighs, uh, thighs, uh.
Da-da-da-da.
Ay! Drop it down low, put your hand on my booty.
Take it back 'cause you're broody, I'm fruity.
I ain't playing games.
Do I look like a Tetris? Shake it so hard that it's trimmer.
BOTH: Ooh-lee, booty sweat.
Ooh-lee, booty sweat.
Ooh-lee, booty sweat, twerking - Percocet.
- Hey, shake that fatty.
- Shake, shake that fatty.
- Nope.
The mic stays on you till you show off those pipes.
- I cannot do this.
- Come on.
We're all embarrassing ourselves.
It's more embarrassing not to embarrass yourself.
All right, how about together.
Come on, hey.
ALL: Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty, fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty, fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
Shake that fatty.
I'm not gonna go back in the pool.
You don't have to sit up there.
Oh, great.
My back is killing me.
You got some nice def on those shoulders.
Were you on the swim team in high school? - I was a cheerleader.
- Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
I'm more of a winter sports man, myself.
Do you play hockey? Do a bit of curling.
They have a team up at Dartmouth where I'm going to school in the fall to be a doctor maybe without borders.
[LAUGHS.]
Have fun looking at a lot of rashes.
Oh, I will.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go use the restroom.
I'll try not to drown while you're gone.
Yeah, either way.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Maybe he's in the lounge.
- Yeah.
- There he is.
- Hey.
You disgusting, rotten, cheating little slut.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, babe.
Don't you "babe" me.
There was no lacrosse dick-breaking.
There was only you cheating on your super-hot, kind, whimsical girlfriend dick-breaking.
No way.
Babe, it was lacrosse.
Oh, yeah? Show me how it happened.
You're being crazy.
- Show me.
- Okay.
So, I mean, you know, I was just playing lacrosse, like I do, you know, really well, and so and the ball just kind of hit me right here.
Wrong.
- The guy's stick just - How? Well, there's certain angles - There aren't.
- Okay.
You know what? Fine, yeah, I cheated.
So congratulations, Bones.
You cracked the case of the hot sophomore.
I can't believe you would do this to us to me.
And with a sophomore? Yeah.
I mean, if it helps, she kind of looks like you.
Nobody looks like Roni.
She's unique and perfect.
Oh, you think that's funny, funny boy? - Come at me, bro.
- Forget it, Lyssee.
I already have.
Alexis.
Hey, you've got sad eyes.
- I dig it.
- What? And just so you know, my dick's the opposite of broken.
And the size of that tiny blue pill.
Sounds about right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You ready? If you are.
Let's do it, dude.
[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
It was almost Christmastime There I stood in another line BOTH: Trying to buy the best gift or two Not really in the Christmas mood And standing right in front of me Was a little boy waiting anxiously Pacing around like little boys do And in his hands he held A pair of shoes And his clothes were worn and old He was dirty from head to toe And when it came his time to pay I couldn't believe what I heard him say So I want to buy these shoes For my mama, please It's Christmastime and these BOTH: Shoes are just her size Could you hurry, sir Daddy says there's not much time I have an announcement concerning all of you.
Roni Sweetzer is effing single.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Fig.
- Yeah, oh.
Uh, yeah.
"Christmas Shoes," everyone.
Whoo! It's only fun to make grad night look sad when it's two people singing; when it's one person singing, grad night doesn't look sad, I do.
Yes, but you nailed the song.
- I objectively did not.
- Why are you so upset? So we didn't show karaoke, Roni did.
I get that you hate her, but this isn't a big deal.
Because you bailed on me.
I get it.
It's not a big deal, but you still did.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, but it's just I've been waiting for this for so long.
Roni Sweetzer's effing single.
And she still effing sucks.
You don't even know her.
You don't even know her.
I'm the one that's been following her - for like four years.
- Seriously? I've seen all her posts on Instagram.
Her covers actually mean something.
Oh, my God, I can't with you right now.
I'm gonna go find Cassie, you know, my friend who didn't leave me standing on that stage singing a song about shoes for a dying woman to meet Jesus in.
- [LAUGHING.]
- It's not funny.
It's pretty it's funny.
- Kill it! - Yes! [VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Oh, my gosh, you're amazing.
You know, if I were in love with a ridiculously hot guy and found out the entire thing was a cruel charade, I'd be a total mess, but you're handling this so well.
I'm so, so sad, and I can't even tweet song lyrics because I have no phone, and no Oz, and [CRYING.]
I just want my mom.
It's okay.
I can be strong for both of us.
Oh, you're still here? Uh Uh, yeah.
- Sorry, here.
- Thanks.
I wish I had something else to read, like like maybe an "O" Magazine.
Some other things I like are chunky jewelry over a cashmere sweater cape Zumba [LAUGHS.]
Uh Cozying up with some rosé and whatever's on Lifetime Movie Network.
Wait, you're into LMN? Yeah, yeah.
Most people think Lifetime doesn't bother with movies anymore.
What? Those people are imbeciles.
They had to create a whole separate channel for the movies - because they're so awesome.
- Exactly.
I mean, my husband always teases me about it, but I think it is quality programming.
Did you catch the one that was on last weekend? BOTH: "Pandora's Basket.
" So good.
So relevant.
That scene where Alice goes into Dante's dresser and discovers all the broken wind chimes? - Haunting.
- Haunting.
Hey there, Bryce.
You're not in there singing karaoke? No.
I'm going to be a doctor.
Hon, your two hours is up.
I can take over, although it's not actually taking over since you're not even in the chair.
Oh, no one's swimming.
Maybe they feel, I don't know, unsafe, since no one's in the chair.
I think it's fine.
Hello, is that a new swimsuit? - You like it? - Yeah.
But I thought we were saving up for a new upright vac.
Ugh, God.
Stay out of that water.
Stay out.
I'm coming out I'm coming I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show There's a new me coming out And I just have to live Okay, even I have to admit this is pretty great.
It's amazing.
I think this time around I am gonna do it Like you never knew it I think she's saying she's gay.
Dude, just because she doesn't want to go out with you doesn't make her a lesbian.
Why does everyone think everyone is gay? I have to shout that I am coming out I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out That's my girl! Whoo! I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
P.
S.
, I'm gay.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Oh, I wish I had my phone! Yay! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
- Stop, Roni.
I don't want this.
Ever think you might be overlooking the obvious? He's gay.
DEANNA: He only likes her because she's pretty and plays a children's instrument.
- What he and I have is - Is irrelevant.
What you need is for him to see you as his hot sister.
You know what I mean.
- For the valedictorian, huh? - The future is female.
- Whoo! - And all of the sudden, you're a part of Roni's little gang of minions and hanging out with Alexis 24/7? Do you have a crush on her? No.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
An impressive Prince selection.
You know, my aunt met him on a bus once, and he called her "interesting.
" Wow.
Ooh, we should do Kiss.
But with my falsetto, it's just so obvious.
What song do you want to sing? How about that new one called "I Just Sit and Watch"? What? You have an amazing voice.
You sing for me all the time.
That doesn't mean I want to do it in front of the whole school.
I am not Sherman Grove High's resident rock star.
Well, I guess this resident rock star will just have to serenade you.
Do you remember the choreography from our 8th grade Taylor Swift medley? "From Heartache to Heartbreak," "Taylor's Journey," because they have all the songs in here.
Yeah, well, speaking of heartache and heartbreak - Ooh.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh! - Dude.
He's not gay, right? Of course not.
It's normal bro-havior.
Straight guys are obsessed with their balls.
They love them.
Do you know how frustrating it is to watch people butcher music they didn't even write? You know what we should do? Find the most depressing, mood-killing song in this book and sing it so seriously people want to crawl under their chairs and weep? I was thinking that they could just weep into their hands, but your version is much better.
Yeah.
Oh, are you planning on singing with your best pal, Alexis, or has she been preparing for her solo performance since last year? Yeah, yeah, I bet she's putting fire in the show, or Riverdancing? No, she's gonna wear that see-through leotard she wore for "Wicked.
" Sadly, that leotard is at the cleaner's, but I hear there might be a cape.
- All right.
- A cape? RONI: Are you seeing this? He's dabbing it on just like the Sephora lip specialist taught us.
Oz is so smart.
Yeah, and so gay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Yeah, dude.
We're gonna kill it.
Oh, babe, get this.
We're gonna sing "Pony" and go full "Magic Mike," you know what I'm saying? [BEATBOXING.]
I'm gonna need you to stop.
Can we talk a sec? Yeah, yeah, one sec.
Okay, so you know how much I care about you.
I think so.
And you know when I care about someone, I would do anything for them.
I always put other people first.
It's, honestly, probably my biggest flaw.
Sure.
So then you know you can talk to me about anything.
Cool, yeah, thanks.
Uh, we good? I need to go, like, stretch it out before "Pony.
" What what I'm saying is you can come out.
Of? Of this prison of walls you've built around you.
Are you drunk? I don't think I've ever been more sober in my life.
It's obviously hard for you to say, but that's all right.
I can speak for you.
Okay.
You're gay.
No, I'm not.
I'm not mad.
I'm an ally.
Three words: it gets better.
Three more words: I'm not gay.
Please, the tailoring, the lippy.
- All the signs are there.
- Okay.
I'm pretty sure that's really offensive.
How about the most obvious sign: you won't have sex with me.
That that's not true, exactly.
Am I not attractive? - Am I not enough? - No.
- You're beautiful.
- So you're gay.
I'm not gay.
That's the only possible reason.
- No, it's not.
- Then what is it? I have a broken penis.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
I don't need your love I don't need your love So why you bringing me down? Come on, lift me up, come on, lift me up Melinda! You're not the only one, not the only one I'm not asking.
Okay, I am, but willfully.
Come on, lift me up Quit messing around Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm really not the best dancer.
I pretty much spend my life trying to avoid dancing in pubic.
- Didn't you go to prom? - Yeah.
I stamped your hand at the door.
Right, right, right, right.
- Excellent stamping skills.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's five minutes till karaoke.
Bernie and I are about to go up there and kill it.
This was fun.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Hang on.
Sing with us.
- No! The only thing more terrifying than dancing in public is singing in public.
Well, that's all the more reason you should do it.
Plus, I heard if you sing, you get a muffin.
It better be blueberry.
If it's bran, I walk.
Come on.
Not having my phone sucks, but I will say, I do feel very mindful.
I'd feel a lot more mindful if I had my mindfulness app.
Hey, you seen Cody? Last time I saw him, he was hanging out with Stefania.
Have you seen Stefania? No.
It is grad night, mi amigo.
Anything can happen.
Aqua surveillance is the key to finding cosplayqueen7, the anonymous Tumblr icon who has stolen our hearts.
You take the land.
I'll take the sea.
- Oh.
- What? No, no, it's fine, I just thought I'd take the sea.
- I have the goggles.
- Because I lent them to you.
Do you want to take the sea? Take the sea.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- [WHISTLE BLASTS.]
Karaoke will start in five minutes.
Whoo! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Dang.
The power of song.
You know you don't need any of this stuff.
You don't need any of this stuff.
Your eyebrows are crafted by angels.
Actually, an Estonian woman called Greta.
Really? I need her number.
Oh, sharing an esthetician.
What's next, holding hands in public? [LAUGHS.]
Soon, okay? I just I need it to be the right time.
Hey, I know you'll come out when you want, if you want, and, I'll admit, I'm kind of digging the secrecy.
I know, right? I mean, it's sort of fun.
Remember that one time at Roni's lake house, where she asked me why I was wearing your bikini top? Yeah, and you told her it was a style choice, and she and Lyssee switched tops five minutes later.
You know, maybe we should trade bras for fashion reasons.
Okay.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
MAN: And now we're dancing in the afterglow And then the children's choir comes in out of nowhere and somehow makes it even sadder.
"Christmas Shoes" is the ultimate depressing song.
I was getting depressed by "Christmas Shoes" way before it was cool.
Well, I own it on a special green vinyl.
The album cover is shaped like an actual shoe.
What then wait, wait, wait.
How would you fit it on the record never mind.
You know what, this is the best possible iteration of karaoke.
Oh, even better than singing with Roni while she provides the backing track on her precious ukulele? What do you have against ukuleles? They're guitars that refuse to grow up.
All right.
Well, "Christmas Shoes" it is.
It's got death, poverty, and Jesus: the holy trinity of buzzkill.
Yeah, so it was broke.
Oh, there you guys are.
Great news.
The whole "Oz is gay" thing was a total misunderstanding.
- He broke his penis.
- During lacrosse.
- Lacrosse? - Yes, lacrosse.
See, I knew there was a reason he wasn't having sex with me.
I didn't know you could break a penis.
Oh, you can.
Although, technically it's a fracture since there's no bone.
Wait, Roni, don't you go to every game? Wouldn't you have seen this happen? Oz has a really high pain tolerance.
He might not have noticed until after, or it could have been at practice.
Then why didn't he tell you? I guess he didn't want to worry me.
Poor kid, suffering in silence.
So brave.
- This doesn't add up.
- Yes, it does.
Here, let me show you.
Okay, Jonas is Oz.
Hi hey, guys.
There's no need for Oz to speak.
So Jonas is Oz, and I'm the opposing player who is very evil.
How evil? Like Cersei Lannister evil or like Voldemort evil? Like their supremely evil child.
- What? - [LAUGHS.]
I don't think you understand the ramifications in both canons of the Shh.
Okay.
So I'm coming at you with my big stick, and - Ahh! - Yeah.
But it's a contact sport, so he's wearing a cup.
- I'm not.
- Hush.
So maybe the angle is more like Ahh! Maybe Stymie could be Oz.
And then it goes under the cup, right? - And he was hard? - What? No.
Why would he be hard during lacrosse? Love of the game.
Or maybe he was not aroused by lacrosse and broke it anyway.
Ron, I'm sorry, but if he was flaccid, he would have a bruise.
If he broke it, he was turgid.
SAT word.
740 verbal, bitches.
I'm not getting turgid for this.
No, you're you're wrong.
I mean, what makes you such an expert? I have a friend who broke one.
- Google it.
- Okay.
But what if a weight fell on him, or Oz's soft is like a normal guy's hard.
Roni, respectfully your dude was boning someone else.
Is there any way he could still be gay? - Left cheek.
- Right cheek.
Left cheek.
Right cheek.
- Left cheek.
- Right cheek.
- Left cheek.
- Okay.
BOTH: Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
- Shake that fatty! - Shake that fatty.
Ooh, she got a big one, now it's getting smaller.
Oh, cool, cool, 'cause you should call her.
Tell her that you are gonna BOTH: Thighs, uh, thighs, uh.
Thighs, thighs, thighs.
BOTH: Thighs, uh, thighs, uh.
Da-da-da-da.
Ay! Drop it down low, put your hand on my booty.
Take it back 'cause you're broody, I'm fruity.
I ain't playing games.
Do I look like a Tetris? Shake it so hard that it's trimmer.
BOTH: Ooh-lee, booty sweat.
Ooh-lee, booty sweat.
Ooh-lee, booty sweat, twerking - Percocet.
- Hey, shake that fatty.
- Shake, shake that fatty.
- Nope.
The mic stays on you till you show off those pipes.
- I cannot do this.
- Come on.
We're all embarrassing ourselves.
It's more embarrassing not to embarrass yourself.
All right, how about together.
Come on, hey.
ALL: Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty, fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty, fatty.
Shake that fatty, shake, shake that fatty.
Shake that fatty.
I'm not gonna go back in the pool.
You don't have to sit up there.
Oh, great.
My back is killing me.
You got some nice def on those shoulders.
Were you on the swim team in high school? - I was a cheerleader.
- Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
I'm more of a winter sports man, myself.
Do you play hockey? Do a bit of curling.
They have a team up at Dartmouth where I'm going to school in the fall to be a doctor maybe without borders.
[LAUGHS.]
Have fun looking at a lot of rashes.
Oh, I will.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go use the restroom.
I'll try not to drown while you're gone.
Yeah, either way.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Maybe he's in the lounge.
- Yeah.
- There he is.
- Hey.
You disgusting, rotten, cheating little slut.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, babe.
Don't you "babe" me.
There was no lacrosse dick-breaking.
There was only you cheating on your super-hot, kind, whimsical girlfriend dick-breaking.
No way.
Babe, it was lacrosse.
Oh, yeah? Show me how it happened.
You're being crazy.
- Show me.
- Okay.
So, I mean, you know, I was just playing lacrosse, like I do, you know, really well, and so and the ball just kind of hit me right here.
Wrong.
- The guy's stick just - How? Well, there's certain angles - There aren't.
- Okay.
You know what? Fine, yeah, I cheated.
So congratulations, Bones.
You cracked the case of the hot sophomore.
I can't believe you would do this to us to me.
And with a sophomore? Yeah.
I mean, if it helps, she kind of looks like you.
Nobody looks like Roni.
She's unique and perfect.
Oh, you think that's funny, funny boy? - Come at me, bro.
- Forget it, Lyssee.
I already have.
Alexis.
Hey, you've got sad eyes.
- I dig it.
- What? And just so you know, my dick's the opposite of broken.
And the size of that tiny blue pill.
Sounds about right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You ready? If you are.
Let's do it, dude.
[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
It was almost Christmastime There I stood in another line BOTH: Trying to buy the best gift or two Not really in the Christmas mood And standing right in front of me Was a little boy waiting anxiously Pacing around like little boys do And in his hands he held A pair of shoes And his clothes were worn and old He was dirty from head to toe And when it came his time to pay I couldn't believe what I heard him say So I want to buy these shoes For my mama, please It's Christmastime and these BOTH: Shoes are just her size Could you hurry, sir Daddy says there's not much time I have an announcement concerning all of you.
Roni Sweetzer is effing single.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Fig.
- Yeah, oh.
Uh, yeah.
"Christmas Shoes," everyone.
Whoo! It's only fun to make grad night look sad when it's two people singing; when it's one person singing, grad night doesn't look sad, I do.
Yes, but you nailed the song.
- I objectively did not.
- Why are you so upset? So we didn't show karaoke, Roni did.
I get that you hate her, but this isn't a big deal.
Because you bailed on me.
I get it.
It's not a big deal, but you still did.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, but it's just I've been waiting for this for so long.
Roni Sweetzer's effing single.
And she still effing sucks.
You don't even know her.
You don't even know her.
I'm the one that's been following her - for like four years.
- Seriously? I've seen all her posts on Instagram.
Her covers actually mean something.
Oh, my God, I can't with you right now.
I'm gonna go find Cassie, you know, my friend who didn't leave me standing on that stage singing a song about shoes for a dying woman to meet Jesus in.
- [LAUGHING.]
- It's not funny.
It's pretty it's funny.
- Kill it! - Yes! [VIDEO GAME BEEPING.]
Oh, my gosh, you're amazing.
You know, if I were in love with a ridiculously hot guy and found out the entire thing was a cruel charade, I'd be a total mess, but you're handling this so well.
I'm so, so sad, and I can't even tweet song lyrics because I have no phone, and no Oz, and [CRYING.]
I just want my mom.
It's okay.
I can be strong for both of us.
Oh, you're still here? Uh Uh, yeah.
- Sorry, here.
- Thanks.
I wish I had something else to read, like like maybe an "O" Magazine.
Some other things I like are chunky jewelry over a cashmere sweater cape Zumba [LAUGHS.]
Uh Cozying up with some rosé and whatever's on Lifetime Movie Network.
Wait, you're into LMN? Yeah, yeah.
Most people think Lifetime doesn't bother with movies anymore.
What? Those people are imbeciles.
They had to create a whole separate channel for the movies - because they're so awesome.
- Exactly.
I mean, my husband always teases me about it, but I think it is quality programming.
Did you catch the one that was on last weekend? BOTH: "Pandora's Basket.
" So good.
So relevant.
That scene where Alice goes into Dante's dresser and discovers all the broken wind chimes? - Haunting.
- Haunting.
Hey there, Bryce.
You're not in there singing karaoke? No.
I'm going to be a doctor.
Hon, your two hours is up.
I can take over, although it's not actually taking over since you're not even in the chair.
Oh, no one's swimming.
Maybe they feel, I don't know, unsafe, since no one's in the chair.
I think it's fine.
Hello, is that a new swimsuit? - You like it? - Yeah.
But I thought we were saving up for a new upright vac.
Ugh, God.
Stay out of that water.
Stay out.
I'm coming out I'm coming I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show There's a new me coming out And I just have to live Okay, even I have to admit this is pretty great.
It's amazing.
I think this time around I am gonna do it Like you never knew it I think she's saying she's gay.
Dude, just because she doesn't want to go out with you doesn't make her a lesbian.
Why does everyone think everyone is gay? I have to shout that I am coming out I'm coming out I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out That's my girl! Whoo! I want the world to know, I got to let it show I'm coming out! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
P.
S.
, I'm gay.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Oh, I wish I had my phone! Yay! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]