'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s01e00 Episode Script

Portuguese from Allsubs.org
Transalted to English by CAPIKPI
We need more cement.
Where is Yvette?
She is in the kitchen with your wife,
mixing it.
He said that she will bring it down when it is ready.
Yvette, why have you been so long?
Well how could I walk through the cafe carrying a bucket of cement?
It's full of German officers.
But this is my wife's best mixing bowl!
Which was why I was able to pretend it was full of pastry.
- Was nobody suspicious?
- One of the officers put his finger in and tasted it.
My God! What happened?
He said your wife's cooking was getting better.
What are you doing?
I am hiding the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klomp.
Also the priceless cuckoo clock.
If the Gestapo find out about them,
I will be shot!
If your wife finds out about,
you and me, you'll be shot!
We live in dangerous times.
Maria. Go upstairs and
stand by the door.
If anyone approaches,
stamp your foot.
- I need 10 minutes!
- Just to put one little brick in?
Don't patronise his limitations. He's not
acquainted with the art of laying bricks.
He's certainly acquainted with the
art of laying everything else.
Go to your post!
- Rene, my love!
- Yvette, my flower!
You are the most exciting man I have every known.
I want to kiss you. Let me hold you tight.
No no my cabbage, no! It is getting
hard and I must get it in immediately.
- Rene! Rene!
- It's my wife!
Rene! There are two black hand marks
on the back of the blouse of Yvette.
- You came all the way down to the cellar
to tell me that? - They are marks of the
same size as your hand marks!
Yes, of course they are.
Well, when I hear you approach,
I think it is the Gestapo
and so I wipe my hands on the blouse of Yvette,
so they will not see I am building a wall.
- Ohh, you think of everything.
- I hope so!
I have a message for you.
Michelle is upstairs.
- Michelle?
- From the Resistance.
- I will come at once. Lay this brick.
- But I have no experience of laying bricks.
Just pretend it is a German officer.
- You don't think she suspects us do you?
- No! Never!
- I let her think I am not interested
in that kind of thing any more.
- Does she believe you?
We cannot lose more customers.
You better come with me.
I want you in the back room.
- A ticket would be more discreet.
- I was talking to Mary!
So was taking
no luck!
- Where is Michelle?
- I am here.
Save it. If you shoot, you can
noise, not to mention a hole.
Who is at the restaurant?
Seven German soldiers
and two sergeants.
Very well.
Where are the British airmen?
Hidden in my mother's room.
- And the forger?
- It's disguised as a pianist.
He plays and I sing to the customers.
It's bad pianist, but when my
wife sings, no one notices it!
Customers
cover their ears with cheese.
Reach out. Pay attention,
I shall say this once.
In this case, you speak slowly?
No time. I learned that will be
interrogated by the Germans.
- What?
- Believe that information is secure.
Information is the worst I've ever heard!
- They found our cover?
- What cover, its silly?!
I own a restaurant
and you are my wife.
Please
do not use terms you do not know.
Would suspect
We house that British airmen?
We do not know. But they are ruthless
and they can torture your wife,
even in front of you.
Do not worry. I won't reveal anything.
Moreover,
may try to make him confess everything.
But I know almost nothing.
I only know his name and that I am
to house British airmen.
And the radio under the bed
my mother and the codebook.
And in the basement we have a cuckoo clock
and frame
Madonna of the Great boobs!
She knows more than me.
She is who should be questioned.
- Here is this ring.
- Thanks, but I do not wear jewelry.
The ring is hollow.
Inside is a capsule.
If you can not stand the torture and pain,
crush it between your teeth.
It's a pill for pain!
- Do not feel anything.
- How long?
Forever!
My God,
just wanted a quiet life!
If you take it, is guaranteed.
Are you sure you will call me?
It is for you.
- Is Colonel Von Strohm. What I say?
- Act naturally!
Hello, Colonel.
It is a pleasure to hear it again.
Want to make a reservation?
When it comes to visit us, sir?
I go there?
It's complicated, Colonel,
for I am a very busy man.
I have the restaurant, kitchen,
my wife
and I had a puncture on the bike.
No, you must send
an armored car. I'll be right there.
Quick, my boots and backpack!
Prepare me some sandwiches!
The German headquarters
Two minutes from now!
Yes, but I'm en route to the coast.
Do not be silly. If it disappears,
close the restaurant
and we will all be shot.
You must go and bluffing.
I'm running out of bluffs
Note well, Herr Colonel.
We just need pliers
for the tap
and a rubber tube
to the gas outlet.
- So we have a beautiful fireplace.
- Well, Hans! Send to fetch them.
Here's a man
to talk to you, Herr Colonel.
- Is the Gestapo?
- No, it is French and is very nervous.
May be the Gestapo
to do is pass a Frenchman.
Yes, we must take care, Hans.
What do you call it?
- Monsieur Rene.
The Colonel will see you now!
It is an honor to be received in his
wonderful office, Herr Colonel.
I took the liberty to bring you
some gifts unimportant.
A bottle of 37 Chateau Lafitte,
some cigars
I saved for after the war,
but how are you going so well,
it is better to smoke them now.
A bit of cheese,
Cognac - "" Napoleon "," of course
and a bottle of perfume
assistants.
Thank you, but I do not use.
It is not for you,
but for this beautiful young woman.
For this fine example
German womanhood.
Thank you!
- What can I do for you, Colonel?
- Answer a few questions.
- Anything else, sir?
- It must be something else, Hans?
Yes, sir.
A pair of pliers and a rubber tube.
The pliers and the rubber tube, no!
I tell you everything I know!
- It is to make the gas connection.
- The gas, no!
- I tell you all that I do not know!
- Sit down, Rene.
We have a serious problem.
But it should not be
as serious as mine
We know that you housed
and helped British airmen.
I know you know, Colonel.
But do not forget that you asked me
to hide a valuable framework,
that you intend to sell after the war.
- A zero!
- Not to mention the cuckoo clock.
- Two to one?
Nope, Hans! We will deliver
this framework to Gestapo
and will leave us in peace,
because we will deliver it to you too!
But the picture
would be your retirement, Colonel.
With him was going to buy your
berchtesgarten in the mountains.
If you deliver, you get nothing
and if I deliver,
the restaurant will never be the same,
without the cheerful and generous Rene
the joy of any party.
I'm sorry,
but we have no other option, Rene.
- We enjoyed a lot of your hospitality.
- I could tell
Always have considered a friend.
I feel the same way about you, Colonel.
And by Captain
and that girl with the
All to consider a friend.
The last thing you want,is to see me
suffer at the mercy of Gestapo
Thank you, Colonel.
So I'll give you this ring.
Inside is a capsule,
that should crush between the teeth
And fall like a thrush.
I will never forget your gratitude.
will want to take one to his wife?
Neither the French will have it
such a time.
Here you go.
I was thinking one thing, Colonel.
And if falsificate the frame
to the Gestapo?
- Has a copy of the picture?
- No,
but could be made
by a forger.
Do you know a forger?
I know many people.
But you would have to pay.
- How much?
- Money is no longer worth much,
but perhaps a bottle
Chateau Laffite, 37,
a cigar and some cognac
- and the cheese?
- You can keep the cheese.
Whenever his wife sing,
we can use it in the ears.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Cabaret time at "" Cafe Rene '"
and today we find ourselves Madame Edith.
Thank you for your reception,
my dear friends.
Have a preference?
In this case, I'll sing
" Under the Bridges of Paris with You ".
Bring me the cheese board. Fast.
It was terrible, Yvette.
I thought I would not return alive.
I Were filled to ask myself,
but never revealed anything.
You are so brave, Rene!
- I lit some candles in your absence.
- Did you pray for me?
No, missed the light.
I never thought I'd
have you in my arms again.
Have you finished?
I cannot go back to using Gruyere.
Too many holes.
Good evening.
- It's Herr Flick.
- The Gestapo!
- The Gestapo!
- Want a table?
Not here. I booked a private room.
Herr Flick. Come with me.
Just lost the Cabaret!
But I can sing to you in private.
It is not necessary.
This is our private room,
Herr Flick.
And these are
The candles of my mother.
Doing this serves very well.
- I want a bottle of good wine.
- Surely, Herr Flick!
Sit there.
It's so rough and dominating.
This is very exciting!
Very good.
Beware,
this is our life insurance.
But can become
in our sentence of death.
Come see this, M. Le Clerc.
It is the Madonna of the Great boobs.
Can you do another?
Three big boobs?
Are you able to reproduce the picture?
The signature, yes. The table not.
- But you are a forger.
- Yes, but not frames.
Otto Flick is in the back room,
M. Rene.
And in a minute you will receive
a message from England,
the radio room of your mother-in-law.
We live side by side with danger
Do you want to hide again?
But not the tape to the wall,
we need it.
Perhaps the resistance
have a good forger.
Hello, Mom.
- Why is beating with the stick?
- To make myself heard.
I spend my days here alone,
No one comes to see me.
Doing this will be life for your poor mother?
I spend my days looking at the ceiling
and eating onion soup.
Onion soup all day
Do not light the candle,
let me ventilate the room first!
Finally you come to see
the poor of your mother.
Shut up!
Here's the column.
Bring the codebook.
- Where is it?
- In the closet.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Do not go there.
The Night Hawk call.
Are receiving? I listen.
Night Hawk to welcome you
high and full of interference.
What is your message?
- The baby will be born a week earlier.
- Search the codebook.
The baby will be born a week earlier.
God be praised, my daughter!
Finally I have a grandson!
- Your old fool! He did not do anything.
- So who was it?
We are looking in the book.
So many strangers. Are not you ashamed?
It means coming to get
British airmen today.
It's a week before, but I'm happy
to see them from behind.
Your message has been received.
I hear and most do not know what.
Rene. Pay attention,
I shall say this once.
Airmen
must leave immediately.
Can not pass by the restaurant,
are asking all who come.
So have to go out the back,
the office window.
But Herr Flick is there to dine.
- So have to go through this window.
- But we do not have stairs!
- We do a chord with the sheets.
- Good idea!
- How can you treat so your mother?
- It is very easy.
- I want these knots tight.
- Well, of course
Before I forget, Michelle,
we must make a copy
Big boobs of the Madonna.
- M. Le Clerc should do so.
- He does not know how to paint.
And also can not play piano.
Clients cover their ears.
We do not have anyone
but we could send it
to England, to be copied.
- We could send it by aviators.
- Go get the picture, Yvette.
We have to pull the bed to the window
and tying her sheets.
Let's do it, guys.
The bed near the window.
- It very well.
- May I ask why?
Why go out the window
and for the love of God,
not to drop any tile,
the Gestapo's downstairs.
Understood!
Enjoy your meal.
- We do not want to be bothered.
- Surely, Herr Flick.
I must tell you that I brought you here
for other reasons, Helga.
- Does not surprise me, Herr Flick.
- Do not come just to eat and drink.
I like a man
who knows what he wants.
Absolutely!
The way he asked for the mousse
chocolate gave me chills.
Why are all so afraid of me?
Basically, I'm a soft heart.
- Do not destroy the image I have of yourself,
- Herr Flick.
I never wanted to belong to the Gestapo.
My godfather, Heinrich Himmler,
he insisted.
This wine is nothing special
The owner must have bottles
best, hidden in the basement.
You're right, Herr Flick.
The wine is making me very hot.
Moreover,
Now that the wine has breathed,
It tastes very smooth.
- Have reached the ground?
- No! Is rising again.
- For what? What an idiot!
- Here is the picture.
How long do we have to endure
the humiliations of the war?
Shut up!
- The sheets are too short.
- You can not jump?
Six feet?! I'm not a skydiver!
The sheets are too short.
Have come out the front door.
- Will be interrogated by the Germans!
- Germans!
Do not talk on the Germans near
my mother, it costs a lot to clean.
Have to go undercover
German soldiers.
And where will we find
German uniforms?
- Your employees could help.
- Good ..
My dear Yvette.
My sweet Yvette
You know I'd never ask such a thing,
but you will be doing it in France!
- I'll be doing it for a thousand francs!
- What about Mary?
She does it for seven francs and a half.
You seems unnerved, Herr Flick.
I had a hard day. It is not easy
to be hated by all and for all.
- Not when you are sensitive like me.
- Are proving to be very good.
Not as much as you.
- It makes it more relaxed?
- No.
But I'm enjoying.
Do you want to lend
our uniforms?
Believe that is the only way
framework to reach England, Colonel.
If the Gestapo discover that we have helped
British airmen to escape,
do not think they'll be damned?
And if they discover the stolen painting,
'll be damned.
Pay attention!
Go up there with the girls
and your uniform
will be stolen.
After a brief and enjoyable break,
the uniforms will be returned to you.
What do you say, Colonel?
The girls are waiting
There will be time for the flying helmet
and celery wet?
Even just will!
All right
And you, Hans?
I am thinking of my wife,
in Berlin.
And Mary and the egg beater?
I am thinking
that Berlin is far away.
And my wife
is the same height as Mary.
Are combined.
Do not forget the boots.
Boots?! With boots is more expensive!
Their boots!
Quick, boys.
The uniforms must be coming.
Great!
- What is happening?
- They will wear the costumes.
They can not undress
in front of my mother!
We are in time of war.
I understand.
What beautiful babies!
- Plays the avian guys.
- Do you think we have time?
I'm talking about the clothes!
The French wear beautiful jewelry.
Thank you!
- I have a trinket greatly appreciated.
- Really?
- Can I show it to you?
- If you really have to
It has a picture inside. Look.
- What a beautiful blond hair.
- It's true
Unfortunately he had to cut it,
before joining the army.
- ready?
- Yes, but we are not very realistic.
My God!
- And they forgot the picture.
- What?
The Madonna of the Great boobs.
- They forgot the picture, guys.
- No, it lacks the frame.
And where is it?
Try to look German,
for God's sake!
Good evening, gentlemen and always come back.
Bye!
There go our uniforms, Hans.
They promised to return them
in 15 minutes.
That was for 10 minutes.
The war seems to fly,
when we are enjoying ourselves.
This time, with the glasses!