'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s01e07 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHAT I AM DOING
IN THE LARDER OF MY CAFE,
SITTING NEXT TO THE BRIE.
WELL, I WILL TELL YOU.
I AM VERY FOND OF BRIE.
ALSO MY WIFE EDITH
IS A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.
AND THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE
I CAN MEET MARIA.
NOW, MARIA WELL,
MARIA IS IN LOVE WITH ME.
SO WHENEVER I CAN,
I MEET HER HERE
FOR A SHORT CUDDLE
AND A LITTLE NIBBLE
AT THE BRIE.
AH! MARIA,
MY LITTLE CABBAGE.
OH, RENE,
MY SPRING ONION.
HAVE YOU BROUGH
THE MILKING STOOL?
HERE.
THEN STAND ON IT.
OHH!
RENE
YOU HAVE STARTED
WITHOUT ME.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE THERE'S BRIE
ON YOUR MOUSTACHE.
OH.
- RENE?
- HMM?
WILL WE GET MARRIED
WHEN THE WAR IS OVER?
WHILE THE BELLS
OF VICTORY
ARE STILL
SOUNDING.
OH, RENE,
YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
ARE YOU SURE NOBODY
KNOWS WE ARE HERE?
NOBODY!
- PSST! RENE.
- OH!
DO NOT WORRY,
IT IS MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
SHE WILL
REPEAT NOTHING.
LISTEN VERY
CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY
THIS ONLY ONCE.
YOUR NEW RADIO
TRANSMITTER
IS BEING DELIVERED
TO THE CAFE TODAY.
IT WILL BE CARRIED
BY MONSIEUR LECLERC,
DISGUISED
AS A CHEESE SALESMAN.
HE WILL BE THE BEARER
OF A SUITCASE CONTAINING CHEESE.
HOW WILL HE CARRY
THE RADIO?
HE HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.
WHY THEN DOES HE NEED
THE SUITCASE?
THE FALSE BOTTOM
IS IN THE SUITCASE.
THE CHEESE IS IN THE TOP.
THE RADIO TRANSMITTER
IS IN THE SECRET COMPARTMENT.
WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?
HIDE IT UNDER THE BED
OF YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER.
IF I PUT THE CHEESE UNDER
THE BED OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER,
SHE WILL END UP FIGHTING
THE MICE FOR IT.
THEN PUT IT IN HERE.
BUT I'VE ALREADY
ORDERED MY CHEESE--
IT'S FOR THE WEEK!
I WILL BE OVERSTOCKED.
THEN MAKE CHEESE OMELETS
OR CHEESE SOUFFLES.
HAVE A FONDUE PARTY.
IT IS FAR TOO LATE
TO TURN MONSIEUR LECLERC
INTO A BRUSH SALESMAN.
- SHE HAS GONE.
- YES.
THE RESISTANCE,
THEY MAKE THESE PLANS
BUT THEY DO NO
THINK THEM THROUGH.
Edith:
MARIA!
IT IS MY WIFE.
OUR TIME IS UP.
CAN YOU COME BACK
TOMORROW?
OF COURSE.
OH, DO NOT FORGE
THE MILKING STOOL.
OF COURSE NOT.
OH! THAT GIRL!
ALWAYS SHE IS MISSING.
- RENE?
- HMM?
YOU MUST SPEAK
TO THAT GIRL, MARIA.
ALWAYS SHE IS
TAKING OFF THE TIME.
SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE IT OFF
WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.
SHE DOESN'T.
RENE,
YOU'RE WANTED
IN THE BACK ROOM.
EDITH,
WIPE THE BAR DOWN.
SET AN EXAMPLE
TO THE STAFF, EH?
'ALLO?
IS ANYONE HIDING?
DOES SOMEBODY
WANT ME?
YES, I DO!
YVETTE,
MY LITTLE CABBAGE.
RENE,
MY BIG SPROUT.
PARSNIP.
CARROT.
- BROCCOLI.
- CURLY KALE.
OOH!
OOH!
WHEN WE ARE TOO OLD
TO MAKE LOVE,
WE WILL MAKE
WONDERFUL SOUP.
RENE, YOU WILL MARRY ME
AFTER THE WAR IS OVER?
WHILE THE BELLS
OF VICTORY
ARE STILL
SOUNDING.
OH, RENE, YOU HAVE
A SMALL PIECE OF BRIE
ON YOUR MOUSTACHE.
THAT IS BECAUSE
I JUST HAD
A LITTLE BI
IN THE LARDER.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND YVETTE?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING
I POSSIBLY COULD BE DOING
WITH MY ARMS
AROUND YVETTE.
I AM TEACHING HER
SELF-DEFENSE.
THOSE GERMANS
IN THERE,
THEY GET DRUNK,
AND THEY JUMP
ON THESE GIRLS.
I WAS-- I WAS TRYING
TO TEACH HER
HOW TO FIGH
THEM OFF.
NOW, YVETTE,
I AM A DRUNKEN GERMAN.
YOU SHOW MY WIFE
WHAT YOU WOULD DO TO ME.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES, GO ON.
GO ON.
OH-HH!
THAT IS VERY GOOD!
SHOW ME AGAIN.
HYAH--
LATER, LATER!
BUT A DRUNKEN GERMAN
MAY ATTACK ME.
WE WOULD STOP SERVING HIM
BEFORE HE WAS
THAT FAR GONE.
OH, DEAR RENE,
ALWAYS HE HAS ME
IN HIS MIND.
I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.
THE COLONEL IS
IN THE CAFE.
HE WISHES TO HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU.
IN A LITTLE WHILE.
MY HERNIA IS GIVING ME GYP.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD AN HERNIA.
UP TILL NOW, I DIDN'T.
THIS NEW CHAP WHO
IS RUNNING THE BAR--
- RENE'S TWIN BROTHER.
- FROM NANCY.
THEY ARE
ASTONISHINGLY SIMILAR.
THAT IS TWINS ALL OVER.
IF ANYTHING, THE NEW ONE
IS EVEN MORE CHARMING
THAN HIS BROTHER.
THE ONE THAT YOU SHOT.
YES.
I DON'T THINK HE
BEARS YOU A GRUDGE.
QUITE THE REVERSE!
HE APPEARS TO BE
VERY WARM AND FRIENDLY.
HE IS EVEN ORDERING FOR ME
MY FAVORITE CIGARS.
GOOD DAY,
GENTLEMEN, HELGA.
YOU WISH TO SEE ME,
COLONEL?
UH, YES,
A WORD IN PRIVATE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER, LEAVE US
ALONE FOR A SHORT WHILE.
RENE AND I HAVE
A SMALL MATTER TO DISCUSS.
OF COURSE.
SIT DOWN, RENE.
YES, COLONEL.
NOW
TOMORROW
AT MIDDAY,
HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO
WILL PUT THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
ON THE TRAIN
TO BERLIN.
HERR HITLER
HAS TOLD HIMMLER
TO PICK IT UP
HIMSELF.
HE IS GOING TO GIVE I
TO EVA FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
I MUST GET THE FORGERY
OUT OF YOUR CELLAR
AND PUT I
IN ITS PLACE.
BUT I HAVE ONLY
JUST BRICKED IT UP!
OH, WELL, 10 MINUTES
WITH A PICKAX
AND IT IS
YOURS AGAIN.
ALSO,
YOUR NEW UNIFORMS
ARE IN MY WARDROBE.
LEAVE THEM THERE.
THEY WILL COME IN
USEFUL LATER.
NOW, I WILL TELL YOU
WHAT WE DO.
TONIGHT,
ON MY ORDERS,
YOU WILL
CLOSE YOUR CAFE.
FOR MY PRIVATE PARTY
TO CELEBRATE
THE ANNIVERSARY
OF THE BURNING DOWN
OF THE REICHSTAG.
EVERY YEAR
WE HAVE A BIG BINGE.
I SEE, AND WHAT HAPPENS
AT THIS "BIG BINGE"?
WE DRINK
A LOT OF BEER.
THE GIRLS PUT ON
CLOTHES LIKE
HITLER YOUTH,
AND THEN WE ALL DO
TRADITIONAL OLD
BAVARIAN DANCING.
THE GIRLS HAVE BARE KNEES.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE
A LOT OF FUN.
IT IS.
HOW DOES I
HELP US GET BACK
THE PAINTING
OF THE MADONNA
WITH THE--
WHILE HERR FLICK
IS ENJOYING HIMSELF,
THE PAINTINGS
WILL BE
SWITCHED.
BUT HOW CAN YOU BE
SURE HERR FLICK
WILL ACCEP
YOUR INVITATION?
THAT IS WHERE BRAINS
COME IN.
THAT IS WHY HE
IS A COLONEL.
HELGA WILL GIVE HIM
INFORMATION ABOUT THE PARTY
AND TELL HIM
HE'S NOT INVITED.
I ONLY HAVE TO HINT,
AND HE WILL
DRAG IT OUT OF ME.
Colonel:
THIS WILL AROUSE
HIS SUSPICION.
THIS WILL AROUSE
HIS SUSPICION,
AND HE WILL NO
BE ABLE TO STAY AWAY.
AH, I HAVE
JUST ONE QUESTION
THEN, COLONEL.
- WHO IS PAYING
FOR THIS PARTY?
- WE ARE.
IT IS COMING OU
OF THE ARMORED CAR REPAIR FUND.
BUT COLONEL,
FOR BARE KNEES,
MY GIRLS
CHARGE EXTRA.
IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
HEH, HEH!
TO GET BACK
THE PAINTING.
IN THAT CASE,
MY GIRLS WILL COOPERATE
AND YOU SHALL HAVE
MY VERY BEST ATTENTION.
UH, YOU WILL NOT BE HERE.
NO, UNDER COVER
OF THE PARTY,
YOU WILL BE
AT HERR FLICK'S HEADQUARTERS
SWITCHING THE PAINTINGS.
COLONEL, THAT SOUNDS
A LITTLE BIT RISKY--
THE WAY WE WILL ARRANGE IT,
THERE WILL BE NO RISK AT ALL.
THAT BEING THE CASE,
WHY DO YOU NOT DO I
YOURSELVES?
WE HAVE TO GIVE THE PARTY.
WELL, I COULD
GIVE THE PARTY.
AH, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
OLD TRADITIONAL
BAVARIAN DANCING.
I COULD LEARN.
I'M VERY QUICK.
YOU THINK SO?
SHOW HIM!
OH.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT COULD TAKE TIME.
HELGA, GO AT ONCE
TO HERR FLICK
AND LET HIM WRRR-RING
THE INFORMATION OUT OF YOU.
YES, COLONEL.
( bell jingling )
CHEEE-SES!
CHEESES.
AH, I SEE A TYPICAL
CHEESE SALESMAN
ENTERING MY CAFE.
EXCUSE ME.
THANK YOU, YES.
BRIE AND CHEESES,
WHO WILL BUY--
- SHUT UP.
- --MY CHEESES?
( shouting )
SHUT UP!
HA HA, THANK YOU,
CHEESE SELLER.
I AM PREPARED TO PURCHASE
ALL YOUR WARES.
HOW VERY FORTUNATE.
YES.
NEVER BEFORE HAVE I HAD
SUCH A GOOD DAY
FOR SELLING
THE CHEESES.
GOOD, GOOD.
THAT MEANS
YOU CAN GO HOME
WITHOUT DELAY.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
WELL, I NEVER.
THE RADIO IS
ALREADY CONNECTED.
AND THE SPARE BATTERY
IS IN THE DUTCH EDAM
WITH THE KNOBS ON.
THE FACE OF THAT CHEESE SELLER
SEEMS STRANGELY FAMILIAR.
AH, YEAH, W--
YEAH, WELL--
IT IS
A VERY SMALL VILLAGE,
AND WE DO A LO
OF INTERBREEDING.
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE
A LUXURY FOR ME.
HUH? OH, YES!
A LITTLE PACKE
OF YOUR FAVORITE CIGARS.
YES, I PUT--
EXCUSE ME.
SO MUCH TROUBLE.
IT IS MOST TOUCHING.
THANK YOU.
( radio whistling )
( whistling )
I-- I DO NOT KNOW
THIS TUNE.
( kicks )
( radio noise stops )
I DO NOT KNOW I
ALL THAT WELL MYSELF.
CHEERS.
( flatulent sound )
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
Radio:
Pierre is enjoying
his new bicycle.
( kicks )
I AM GLAD TO HEAR THIS.
WHO IS PIERRE?
OH, HE'S-- HE'S JUS
A YOUNG LAD IN THE VILLAGE.
DID YOU GIVE HIM
THE BICYCLE?
NO! NO!
THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME
HE IS ENJOYING IT?
WELL THERE IS SO LITTLE
TO ENJOY THESE DAYS,
I WAS JUST MAKING
CONVERSATION.
Radio:
Phillip and Jean
are going for a swim.
SHUT UP.
AH, INDEED.
ARE THEY FRIENDS
OF PIERRE?
WELL, I--
I EXPECT SO.
IT'S A VERY
SMALL PLACE,
AND THERE IS
ONLY ONE RIVER.
Radio:
Eloise is
expecting a visit
from the stork.
OH, DEAR.
WHO-- WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?
I EXPEC
IT IS PIERRE.
HE HAS
THE BICYCLE.
Radio:
Listen carefully.
I will meet you
behind the woodshed
at 1:00.
SEE YOU LATER THEN.
YOU SON-OF-A--!
VERY WELL, HERR FLICK,
I WILL TELL YOU.
I CAN HOLD OU
NO LONGER
UNDER THE GAZE
OF YOUR PENETRATING EYES.
THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN
ARE HOLDING A PARTY
TO CELEBRATE THE BURNING DOWN
OF THE REICHSTAG.
AH, THE BIG BINGE.
WILL THE GIRLS BE DRESSED
AS HITLER YOUTH?
YES, HERR FLICK.
WITH THE BARE KNEES?
YOU ARE CORRECT,
IN EVERY DETAIL.
I WILL ATTEND,
UNINVITED.
THERE IS NOWHERE
THE GESTAPO CANNOT GO.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TELL ME THIS, HERR FLICK.
YOU WILL ALSO ATTEND.
YES, HERR FLICK.
WITH THE BARE KNEES?
UNLESS YOU WISH
TO INSULT THE FUHRER.
YES, HERR FLICK.
ALL THE TIME
I AM SEEING YOUR EYES
BEING DRAWN TO THAT PAINTING.
I AM CAPTIVATED BY IT.
EXAMINE I
MORE CLOSELY.
YES, HERR FLICK.
DO YOU WISH ME TO EXAMINE
ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?
DOES EVERYTHING LOOK
GENUINE TO YOU?
VERY.
I WILL LET YOU
INTO A SECRET.
IT IS A FORGERY.
NO, HERR FLICK,
THAT'S THE REAL ONE.
I'M GLAD
YOU'RE DECEIVED.
THE REAL ONE
IS ROLLED UP
IN MY HIGH
GESTAPO BOOTS.
THIS IS A FORGERY
I HAD MADE
SOME WEEKS AGO.
BUT, HERR FLICK, WHY?!
THE FORGERY WILL
GO TO BERLIN.
THE REAL ONE
I WILL SELL AFTER
THE WAR.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME THIS?
BECAUSE YOU
WILL MARRY ME.
HERR FLICK
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
YOU DO NOT SAY
ANYTHING
UNTIL I
ACTUALLY ASK YOU!
YES, HERR FLICK.
OH, MY GOODNESS,
LOOK AT THE TIME!
I MUST RETURN
TO MY DUTIES.
TODAY IS YOUR HALF DAY.
I AM VERY
CONSCIENTIOUS.
I HAVE MUCH
PAPERWORK TO DO.
YOU WILL DO IT TOMORROW.
TODAY I HAVE OTHER PLANS.
I HAVE ORDERED AN OPEN STAFF CAR
AND TWO MOTORCYCLE ESCORTS.
TOGETHER
WE WILL DRIVE
AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE
SCARING THE PANTS
OFF THE FRENCH PEASANTS.
WHAT FUN!
EDITH!
YVETTE, MARIA
AN OLD WOMAN LIES HERE
GOING WEAK FOR LACK
OF NOURISHMENT.
HOW MUCH LONGER
CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS?
OH, MAMMA,
DO NOT FRET YOURSELF.
WE ARE JUST WARMING UP
YOUR ONION SOUP.
ONION SOUP!
ALSO, WE HAVE FOR YOU,
A VISITOR.
SOON IT WILL BE THE ANGELS
THAT ARE CALLING FOR ME.
OH MY GOD. I AM WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.
I MUST CONFESS.
I HAVE CHEATED.
I HAVE LIED.
I HAVE STOLEN,
AND I HAVE HAD MANY LOVERS,
INCLUDING,
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER--
MAMMA!
THIS IS NOT A NUN.
THIS IS MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
OH, OH
TAKE NO NOTICE OF ME.
I AM
DELIRIOUS.
WHERE ARE
THE BRITISH AIRMEN?
THEY ARE HIDDEN
WHERE NO ONE
CAN FIND THEM.
Both:
HELLO!
HELLO, CHAPS. NOW,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
EDITH, WHY IS MY BEDROOM
SO FULL OF MIDGETS?
QUIET, MAMMA.
NOW, LISTEN CHAPS, WE'VE
HAD A CHIN-WAG WITH LONDON
AND THEY'VE OKAYED
A BOAT FOR YOU.
OH, GOOD SHOW!
WHEN DO WE LEAVE?
AS SOON AS THAT BLOKE, LECLERC,
HAS FORGED THE PAPERS.
WHERE IS
THE FORGER?
HE IS AT HAND,
CLOSE IN THE CLOSET.
WHAT IS THE STATE
OF THE FORGED PAPERS
FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN?
HUH? AH.
I HAVE FINISHED.
EVERYTHING
IS READY.
GOOD.
IS THERE
ANYTHING ELSE?
NOT AT THE MOMENT.
GOOD.
WE'LL PROBABLY
HAVE YOU AWAY TONIGHT.
- RIGHTY-O, TOODLE-OO.
- SMASHING, TOODLE-OO.
Gruber:
I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
LOVE'S ALWAYS
BEEN MY GAME ♪
PLAY IT HOW I MAY ♪
I WAS MADE THAT WAY ♪
I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
MEN CLUSTER TO ME ♪
LIKE MOTHS
AROUND A FLAME ♪
AND IF THEY BURN ♪
I KNOW I'M NOT TO BLAME ♪
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HE IS VERY HANDSOME.
NOT YOU TOO?
I SHALL BE A LOT HAPPIER
WHEN HELGA
AND HERR FLICK ARE HERE.
OTHERWISE, RENE
CAN FIND HIMSELF
IN QUITE A LO
OF TROUBLE.
NEVER MIND, HANS.
WE HAVE A ALIBI.
WE ARE HERE!
FANNY
I BROUGHT YOU
ONION SOUP.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT AR-- YOU--
WAIT--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EDITH AND RENE
ARE AWAY
ON A SECRET MISSION,
AND THEY MAY NEVER RETURN.
I AM OBEYING
MY DAUGHTER'S LAST REQUEST.
OH, WHAT IS IT?
KEEP AN EYE
ON THE TILL.
I COULD KEEP
THE EYE ON THE TILL.
YES, YOU WILL ALSO HAVE
YOUR HAND IN THE TILL.
WHAT AM I TO DO? ♪
I CAN'T HELP IT. ♪
BRAVO!
( applause )
AND NOW, FELLOW OFFICERS
OF THE VICTORIOUS
GERMAN ARMY,
IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR
ANCIENT BAVARIAN TRADITION,
I GIVE YOU
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT,
GUNILLA
ERICA HILDA
INGA YVETTE AND MARIA,
THE HITLER YOUTH!
HURRAY!
( piano playing
Deutschland uber Alles )
Officers:
BRAVO!
OH!
HELLO.
OUR GIRLS MAKE
VERY GOOD BOYS,
DO THEY NOT?
YES, INDEED.
ONE COULD EASILY
BE FOOLED.
HEIL HITLER!
- All: HEIL HITLER!
- Hans: KLUP!
DO NOT LET THE FACT THAT I AM
A SENIOR MEMBER OF THE GESTAPO,
AND DID NOT RECEIVE
AN INVITATION TO YOUR GATHERING
STOP YOU FROM HAVING
A JOLLY TIME.
HAVE WE YOUR PERMISSION
TO CARRY ON, HERR FLICK?
OF COURSE.
ALBERT, MUSIC!
( piano playing
"Falling in Love Again" )
WHO IS SERVING
THE DRINKS?
HELP YOURSELF, HERR FLICK.
IT'S ALL FREE.
THIS IS GOOD.
COLONEL,
I HAVE BAD NEWS.
LIKE YOU, HERR FLICK
HAS HAD MADE
A FORGERY OF THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP.
THIS FORGERY HANGS
AT THIS MOMEN
ON THE WALL
OF HIS APARTMENT.
THEN WHERE IS
THE REAL VAN CLOMP?
ROLLED UP IN HERR FLICK'S
HIGH GESTAPO BOOT.
THEN RENE WILL SWITCH
A FORGERY WITH HIS FORGERY.
AND WE WILL BE BACK
WHERE WE STARTED.
WE MUST TELL RENE.
AHH,
IT'S TOO LATE.
HE HAS A DISGUISE
AND A PASS
AND BY NOW
HE'S OUTSIDE
THE VERY GATES
OF HERR FLICK'S
HEADQUARTERS.
Rene:
THERE IS A SENTRY.
Edith:
OF COURSE
THERE IS A SENTRY.
MY KNEES HAVE TURNED
TO VICHY WATER.
Edith:
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
REMEMBER, WE ARE
GERMAN OFFICERS.
IF WE BELIEVE IT,
THEY WILL BELIEVE IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
LEFT FOOT FIRST.
QUICK MARCH.
HALT.
SENTRY, WHAT IS
THE PASSWORD?
DUSSELDORF,
HERR CAPTAIN.
GOOD.
LET US PASS.
YOU SEE?
ALL YOU NEED
IS CONFIDENCE.
BEGINNER'S LUCK.
HALT!
DUSSELDORF.
BREMERHAVEN.
NO, DUSSELDORF!
THE REPLY IS BREMERHAVEN.
I AM GLAD TO SEE
YOU ARE ON YOUR TOES.
HALT.
WHY HAVE WE HALTED?
I WAS JUST GETTING
INTO THE SWING OF IT.
THE CUSHION WHICH
I AM WEARING UNDER MY JACKE
TO MAKE MY STOMACH
LOOK LIKE THE COLONEL'S
IS SLIPPING DOWN
TOWARDS MY CROTCH.
I WILL HELP YOU
TO ADJUST IT.
STOP, WE WILL AROUSE
THE SUSPICION OF THE SENTRY.
NO, WE WILL NOT.
WE ARE GERMAN OFFICERS.
THEY DO A LO
OF THIS SORT OF THING.
PLEASE HURRY THEN.
EVERYTHING IS BACK
IN POSITION.
- GOOD.
- READY?
QUICK MARCH.
HALT!
DUSSELDORF
AND BREMERHAVEN.
I AM SUPPOSED
TO SAY BREMERHAVEN.
WE HAVE SAID I
FOR YOU.
YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED
TO SAY IT FOR ME.
YOU ARE TAKING AWAY
MY JOB!
DO NOT ARGUE
WITH A SUPERIOR OFFICER,
PIG! DOG!
HYENA.
HYENA.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
THIS FOOL IS
PREVENTING OUR ENTRY.
WE HAVE A PARCEL
FOR HERR FLICK.
HE'S OUT.
WE WILL PUT I
IN HIS ROOM.
I WILL PUT IT IN HIS ROOM.
HEIL HITLER.
Both: KLUP.
YOU, FOLLOW ME.
WE HAVE LOS
THE PAINTING.
IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
PIG. DOG. HYENA.
EDITH!
BRAVO!
AND NOW--
NOW, GENTLEMEN,
IT IS CABARET TIME
AT THE CAFE RENE.
AND TONIGHT WE BRING YOU
THE TOAST OF PARIS,
OH, HO HO!
THE STAR OF
THE FOLIES BERGERES 1919,
THE EXOTIC
MADEMOISELLE FANNY!
I AM CALLED COQUETTE ♪
OOH!
THE GIRL
THEY CAN'T FORGET ♪
I DRIVE THEM
WILD WITH DESIRE ♪
WHEN I LIF
MY DRESSES HIGHER ♪
SHOULD I TAKE OFF
MY CHEMISE? ♪
OO-LA-LA-LA! ♪
COLONEL,
I THINK WE HAVE HERE
WHAT IS KNOWN
AS A "PARTY POOPER."
( Edith grunts )
DO NOT MAKE
A NOISE.
MY FEE
ARE KILLING ME.
IT IS ALL
THAT GOOSESTEPPING.
- DON'T MOVE.
- Edith: AAAH!
DO NOT TURN ON
THE LIGHT.
IT IS MICHELLE.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY.
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
THERE HAS BEEN
A CHANGE OF PLAN.
THE BRITISH AIRMEN MUST LEAVE
FOR THE COAST TONIGHT.
YOU WILL BE THEIR ESCORT.
I HAVE HERE FOR YOU
A GERMAN UNIFORM.
I AM ALREADY WEARING
A GERMAN UNIFORM.
YOU ARE?
TAKE MY WORD
FOR IT.
AND KEEP YOUR HANDS
OFF MY MEDALS!
UH, AHEM
WHY IS YOUR WIFE
IN UNIFORM?
I ENJOY IT.
HOW WILL THE AIRMEN
BE DISGUISED?
THE SAME AS I AM.
OH.
( together )
HELLO.
SIEG HEIL!
WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?
JOLLY GOOD.
NOW ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS
KEEP AS COOL
AS THE OLD CUCUMBER,
AND WE'LL DO
THE TALKING.
IF YOU WANT US
TO SING ANY SONGS,
WE BOTH KNOW
"UNDERNEATH THE SPREADING
CHESTNUT TREE."
WITH ACTIONS.
CHEST,
NUT,
TREE.
NO. I DON'T THINK
THAT'S ONE
OF HITLER'S FAVORITES.
WE HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR YOU.
THE TRUCK IS ROUND THE BACK.
GOOD. DID ANYONE
SEE YOU LEAVE?
NO. WHEN YOUR MOTHER
STARTED TO SING,
EVERYBODY SHUT THEIR EYES
AND PUT THEIR FINGERS
IN THEIR EARS.
GOOD.
WE GO NOW.
JUST A MINUTE.
WE HAVE A BUSINESS
TO RUN HERE, YOU KNOW.
( singing )
NO!
NOT THE DANCE
OF THE MOLTING PEACOCK!
MOTHER!
PUT THEM BACK ON!
OH MY GOD!
COME ON, LET US
GET OUT OF HERE.
GO.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
WE MARCH
TO THE BEACH.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
WE MARCH TO
THE BEACH, OLD CHAP.
OH, RIGHTY-O.
BY THE LEFT,
QUICK MARCH!
NEARLY THERE,
CARSTAIRS.
DAMNED DRAFTY,
THESE SHORTS.
HALT!
- Edith: DUSSELDORF!
- THAT WAS YESTERDAY.
WHAT IS THE WORD
TODAY?
- MUNICH!
- GOOD! WELL DONE.
HALT!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WE ARE TAKING
THE HITLER YOUTH
FOR RUNNING
AND JUMPING
AND PLAYING LEAPFROG
ON THE SANDS
UND SWIMMING
IN THE SEA.
THIS WAY WE WILL
HAVE A MASTER RACE.
WITH PNEUMONIA.
CARRY ON!
RIGHT,
HERE IS THE BOAT.
LET'S RUN IT DOWN
TO THE WATER.
UP.
RIGHT, CHAPS.
IN YOU GO.
UM BEFORE WE
START ROWING,
DON'T YOU THINK
WE OUGHT TO WAI
FOR A SIGNAL
FROM THE SUBMARINE?
WHAT SUBMARINE?
THE SUBMARINE
THAT'S GOING TO TAKE US
BACK TO ENGLAND.
WHO SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT A SUBMARINE?
WELL, THERE HAS
TO BE A SUBMARINE.
YOU DON'T EXPECT US
TO ROW 20 MILES
IN THAT THING?
NOW LOOK HERE,
YOU FELLOWS,
A JOLLY BRAVE
FRENCH FISHERMAN
RISKED HIS LIFE
TO GET YOU THAT BOAT.
YES, BUT I MEAN,
LOOK AT IT.
IT'S GO
A DEAD CRAB IN IT!
AND LOOK
AT THOSE WAVES!
YOU COULDN'T DRIVE
THAT THING ON THAT!
I GET SEASICK
ON THE BOATING LAKE
AT REGENTS PARK.
WELL, ARE YOU GOING
OR NOT?
NO.
WELL? ARE THEY
GOING OR NOT?
NO!
I MEAN NON.
SO WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO THEN?
THE SENTRY
IS WATCHING US.
I THINK A QUICK GAME
OF LEAPFROG,
AND THEN BACK
TO THE CAFE.
( theme music playing )