'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s05e21 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
I AM NOT NORMALLY
A DRINKING MAN
ESPECIALLY AT HALF PAST 8:00
IN THE MORNING,
BUT MY NERVES ARE
SHOT TO PIECES.
I FEEL LIKE A CAT
WHO HAS USED UP EIGHT
OF ITS NINE LIVES.
WHY AM I IN THIS STATE,
I HEAR YOU ASK?
I WILL TELL YOU,
I HEAR MYSELF REPLY.
FIRSTLY, I HAVE A CELLAR
FULL OF 258 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
SECONDLY, THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
LAST NIGHT
ARE, NEEDLESS TO SAY,
BACK HERE,
FOLLOWING YET ANOTHER
BRITISH INTELLIGENCE COCK-UP!
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
IF THERE WERE ENOUGH
MONEY IN THAT TILL
I WOULD ELOPE WITH
MY WAITRESS YVETTE
AND START A NEW LIFE.
SHE IS NEARLY
20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM,
SO, IT WOULD NOT BE
A VERY LONG LIFE,
BUT IT WOULD BE
A RATHER ENJOYABLE ONE.
RENE.
OH, WHAT?
MICHELLE IS
IN THE BACK ROOM.
SHE WISHES TO
SPEAK TO US ALL.
OH, NOT AGAIN, GIRLS.
DID SHE ASK YOU
TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY?
OH, YES,
SHE HAS ALREADY
DONE THAT BIT.
GOOD, BECAUSE WE SHOULD
BE OPENING SOON, YOU KNOW.
LONDON HAS COME UP WITH
A BOLD AND DARING PLAN
TO GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN
BACK TO ENGLAND.
I SEE.
WHAT HAREBRAINED SCHEME
ARE THEY SUGGESTING THIS TIME?
ARE THEY SENDING A SUBMARINE
UP THE CANAL AT MIDNIGHT?
IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A SECRET!
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.
BUT MICHELLE,
SURELY THE CANAL
IS NOT DEEP ENOUGH.
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE
THE BRILLIANCE
OF THE BRITISH NAVY.
TWO BRAVE SAILORS ARE BRINGING
A MIDGET 2-MAN SUBMARINE.
HOW DO YOU GET FOUR MEN
INTO A 2-MAN SUBMARINE?
RENE, YOU FORGET THAT
TWO OF THE MEN ARE MIDGETS.
NO, MADAME EDITH.
THEY ARE NORMAL SAILORS.
IT IS THE SUBMARINE
THAT IS A MIDGET.
WHERE DO THEY PUT
THE AIRMEN?
THE AIRMEN WILL SIT ASTRIDE
WEARING DIVING HELMETS.
IT IS A BOLD
AND DARING PLAN.
AND WE HAVE NOT HAD
EELS ON THE MENU
FOR A LONG TIME.
WE WILL EXPLAIN IT
TO THE AIRMEN.
COME. THEY ARE
IN THE CELLAR.
WAIT.
NOW LISTEN TO ME, YVETTE.
I CAN NO LONGER STAND
THE STRAIN OF THIS
DANGEROUS LIFE.
WHY DO WE NOT JUST
RUN AWAY TOGETHER?
WE WILL DO SO.
OH, RENE, PLEASE SAY YES.
I JUST SAID YES.
WHAT?
WE WILL GO TO SWITZERLAND,
TAKE THE PAINTINGS,
AND HIDE IN THE MOUNTAINS
UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.
OH, RENE!
NOBODY MUST
SUSPECT A THING.
FROM NOW ON
WE WILL NOT EVEN
TALK TO EACH OTHER.
WHEN I AM READY
I WILL SEND YOU A NOTE
TELLING YOU
THE TIME OF THE TRAIN.
OH, RENE,
I AM SO HAPPY,
I CAN HARDLY
CONTROL MYSELF.
THIS IS EVERYTHING
I HAVE EVER WANTED.
LET US HAVE
ONE LAST EMBRACE
BEFORE WE DO NOT SPEAK
TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.
Both:
AAH.
UNTIL THE TRAIN.
UNTIL THE TRAIN.
SHOP!
RENE, THERE HAS BEEN
A SERIOUS DEVELOPMENT.
YOU ARE TO COME WITH ME
TO THE OFFICE OF
COLONEL VON STROHM.
YOU ARE TO BRING WITH YOU
THE TWO KNOCKWURST SAUSAGES
CONTAINING THE PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VON CLOMP,
AND THE CRACKED VASE
WITH THE BIG DAISIES
BY VAN GOGH.
I SEE.
I AM JUST ABOUT TO OPEN
AT THE MOMENT,
BUT I PROMISE I WILL
POP ROUND WITHOUT FAIL
BEFORE TEATIME.
GUARDS, COME IN HERE!
HELGA, WHAT IS GOING ON?
ESCORT THIS MAN
AND THE TWO SAUSAGES
TO THE OFFICE OF
THE TOWN COMMANDANT.
I WILL GET THE SAUSAGES.
STAY CLOSE TO HIM.
COLONEL,
RENE IS OUTSIDE
WITH THE SAUSAGES.
BRING HIM IN.
BRING HIM IN HERE!
YOU MAY GO.
NOT YOU!
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
THESE WERE PERFECTLY SAFE
IN MY LARDER
UNTIL AFTER THE WAR,
YOU KNOW.
WE CANNOT KEEP THEM
UNTIL AFTER THE WAR.
THE GENERAL HAS BEEN
ORDERED BY HITLER
TO SEND THEM AT ONCE
TO BERLIN.
FORTUNATELY,
I ALSO BROUGHT
THE TWO FORGERIES.
HITLER IS TAKING NO CHANCES.
HE IS SENDING AN ART EXPERT
TO AUTHENTICATE THE PAINTINGS.
IF WE DO NOT PRODUCE THEM,
WE WILL ALL BE SENT
TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT.
COLONEL, HE HAS MADE
THAT THREAT BEFORE
MANY TIMES.
THIS TIME IT'S SERIOUS.
WE'VE ALREADY BEEN
FITTED OUT WITH CLOTHES.
- ( knock at door )
- COME IN, GRUBER!
COLONEL,
THE OUTFIT IS
READY FOR YOU NOW.
DON'T WORRY, GRUBER,
RENE HAS BROUGHT US
THE PAINTINGS.
THIS IS
A GREAT RELIEF.
I DID NOT FANCY
MARCHING
ALL THE WAY
TO MOSCOW
WITH TENNIS RACQUETS
ON MY FEET.
PAINTINGS ON THE TABLE.
BUT WE WERE GOING
TO SELL THE PAINTINGS
TO KEEP US ALL
AFTER THE WAR.
THAT, RENE,
IS ALL IN THE PAST.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
THERE IS WORSE TO COME.
THE GENERAL HAS DEMANDED
WE SHOOT THE PEASANT
WHO BEEN HIDING THEM.
BUT I AM THE PE
YOU WOULD NOT SHOOT ME!
DO NOT WORRY, RENE.
WE HAVE KNOWN YOU
A LONG TIME.
WE ALL FEEL
VERY CLOSE TO YOU.
WE HAVE DECIDED
TO ALLOW YOU TO ESCAPE.
THANK YOU, COLONEL.
WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU
60 SECONDS START,
COMMENCING NOW. GO.
RENE, NOT THIS WAY.
THROUGH THE WINDOW,
OVER THE BALCONY,
- DOWN THE IVY.
- EIGHT, NINE, 10,
11, 12, 13,
14, 15
COULD YOU START
THE CLOCK AGAIN?
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
THANK YOU, UNCLE.
THAT IS ALL
I WISHED TO KNOW.
I HAVE JUST BEEN
ON THE TELEPHONE
TO MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER.
HE INFORMS ME THAT HITLER
COULD NOT HAVE TELEPHONED
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
BECAUSE FOR THE LAST WEEK
HE HAS BEEN SHACKED UP
IN A TENT
DEEP IN THE BLACK FOREST,
HAVING THE SECRET NOOKY
WITH EVA BRAUN.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT HITLER
WAS FAR ABOVE THAT SORT
OF THING.
ON THE CONTRARY.
HE IS CRUMPET MAD.
THE GENERAL IS
UP TO SOMETHING.
WHERE IS
THE PAINTING NOW?
IT IS ALREADY IN
THE GENERAL'S POSSESSION.
A SWEDISH ART EXPERT
HAS ARRIVED FROM SWITZERLAND
TO VERIFY IT.
IT WILL THEN BE TRANSPORTED
BY TRAIN TO BERLIN.
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
COME HERE!
YOU YELLED FOR ME,
HERR FLICK?
DO YOU HAVE
UPON YOUR PERSON
YOUR POCKET GESTAPO
RAILWAY TIMETABLE?
- YES, HERR FLICK.
- GOOD.
VON SMALLHAUSEN AND I
WILL BE ON THIS TRAIN.
WE WILL RECOVER
THE PAINTING.
WE WILL SELL IT
AND THEN WE WILL RUN AWAY
TO A TROPICAL ISLAND.
THERE WE WILL LEAD
A SIMPLE LIFE TOGETHER,
DRESSED IN BANANA LEAVES,
AS WE FROLIC IN THE SURF
UNDER THE WARM SUN.
DOES THIS APPEAL TO YOU?
ALL EXCEPT THE SEA.
I AM NOT
A VERY GOOD SWIMMER.
( knock on door )
COLONEL,
THE GENERAL
IS ON HIS WAY
AND THE SWEDISH
ART EXPERT IS OUTSIDE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THE TELEPHONE?
WITH A SMALL PIECE
OF CHEWING GUM,
I HAVE FIXED
THE CRADLE
SO I CAN HEAR
ON HELGA'S PHONE
EVERY WORD
THAT'S SPOKEN.
I SEE.
AND FOR WHAT REASON
ARE WE DOING THIS?
WE MUST FIND OUT ON WHICH TRAIN
THE PAINTINGS ARE LEAVING.
- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER.
COME IN HERE WITH ME.
THIS IS THE WELL-KNOWN
SWEDISH ART EXPERT,
YOOP HOOP DE HOOP.
DELIGHTED TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE
IN PERSON.
- WHERE ARE THE PAINTINGS?
- ON THE TABLE, GENERAL.
GOOD.
EXAMINE THEM.
YOU TWO, WAIT OUTSIDE.
YES, GENERAL.
YOU WILL STAY 10 FEET
AWAY FROM THE KEYHOLE.
- SIT BEHIND THE DESK.
- YES, GENERAL.
WAIT HERE
UNTIL I RETURN.
DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO FALL
FOR THE OLD CHEWING GUM
ON THE PHONE TRICK.
GRUBER, QUICK,
OUTSIDE.
GET TO THE WINDOW,
UP THE IVY.
IT BEING SUCH
AN IMPORTANT MISSION,
WOULD YOU NOT PREFER
TO DO THIS YOURSELF?
I'M TOO HEAVY
FOR THE IVY.
THERE'S NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT.
I'D STAKE MY REPUTATION
THAT BOTH OF THESE
ARE THE AUTHENTIC WORKS
OF THE MASTERS.
MY CLIENT WILL BE
MOST SATISFIED.
GOOD. I AM PLEASED
TO HEAR IT.
NOW TO THE LITTLE MATTER
OF A MILLION IN GOLD BARS.
I WILL BE MOST HAPPY
TO HAND THEM TO YOU.
HMM. THAT WOULD
SEEM TO BE CORRECT.
THE PAINTINGS
ARE YOURS.
I WILL TAKE THEM
PERSONALLY TO GENEVA.
WILL THAT BE SAFE?
THE NIGHT EXPRESS
TO GENEVA
HAS IN ITS GUARD'S VAN
A SAFE.
MY DESTINATION AND MISSION
ARE KNOWN ONLY TO YOU
AND TO MY CLIENT.
I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
HEIL HITLER!
GENERAL, DO ME A FAVOR.
YOU MAY HAVE YOUR OFFICE BACK.
I HAVE FINISHED WITH IT.
- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!
GRUBER! GRUBER!
DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING?
HELGA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
JUST ORDINARY
EAVESDROPPING,
COLONEL.
I WAS HOPING
TO DISCOVER
THE DESTINATION
OF OUR PAINTINGS.
DID YOU FIND
ANYTHING OUT?
HAPPILY, YES.
WHERE'S GRUBER?
( Gruber shouting )
I AM CLINGING TO SOME IVY!
( desk bell rings )
GOOD MOANING.
YES, YES, GOOD MOANING.
OFFICER CRABTREE,
YOU MUST DO SOMETHING,
THE COLONEL IS AFTER ME.
RONNY, DO NOT WIRRY.
THE COLONEL
HAS ISSUED ME
WITH A PHOTOFART
PICTURE OF YOU.
LOOK.
IT IS NOTHING LIKE ME!
EXOCTLY!
IT LOOKS MORE LIKE
JAN THE BOPTIST.
( footsteps approaching )
SOMEBODY IS COMING.
IT IS GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HIDE ME!
- QUICK, UNDER THE CINTER.
HEIL HITLER!
HOLE HOTLER!
THE SAFE IN MY CHATEAU
HAS BEEN BLOWN UP
BY THE RESISTANCE.
I AM THEREFORE
REQUISITIONING THE SAFE
IN THE POLICE STATION.
WHERE IS THE KEY?
IT IS HANGING ON A NIL
ON THE WOLL.
I DO NOT WISH YOU TO SEE
WHAT I PLACE IN THE SAFE.
IT IS TOP SECRET.
I WILL GO BEHIND THIS DEER
IN THE BACK PISSAGE.
YOU MAY RETURN.
IS THERE ANOTHER KEY?
OF CURSE, I ALWAYS
CARRY A SPEAR.
GIVE IT TO ME.
IF YOU TELL
ANYONE ABOUT THIS,
YOU WILL BE SHOT.
MY LIPS ARE SOILED.
HEIL HITLER!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HE JUST PUT IN THAT SAFE?
I WAS NOT IN
A POSITION TO SUE.
GOLD!
GOLD BARS!
A FORTUNE IN GOLD BARS!
GOOD GID!
AND HE HAS TAKEN
BOTH THE KEYS!
THAT IS NO PRIBLEM.
I HAVE MORE KEYS.
FARTEEN OF THEM.
THE OTHER POLOCEMEN
KEEP THEIR WILLETS
IN THE SAFE
IN CASE
WE GET BIGGLED.
( telephone rings )
I EXPECT SOMEBODY
HAS DIALED
NOON, NOON, NOON.
NOUVION POLOCE.
YES.
MMM.
YES.
A PISSY UP A TREE?
OH, A SIAMESE PISSY.
OFFER IT A PLATE OF SARDOONS,
THAT SHOULD BRING IT DIN.
OH, VERY WELL,
I WILL COME AT WINCE
AND BRING A LIDDER.
I HAVE NICKED
A FORTUNE IN GOLD.
WE MUST LEAVE TONIGHT
FOR OUR LOVE NEST
IN THE MOUNTAINS.
BE ON THE 11:15
GENEVA EXPRESS.
HERE IS THE TICKET
FOR THE SLEEPER.
YOUR OWN, RENE.
( kissing sound )
MONSIEUR LeCLERC.
OH, RENE.
GOOD, YOU ARE SAFE.
FOR THE MOMENT,
AT LEAST.
I WANT YOU
TO GIVE THIS NOTE
SECRETLY TO YVETTE.
- SECRET, SHH, SHH.
- I AM ELOPING TO SWITZERLAND.
AHH. WITH YVETTE?
- WITH YVETTE.
- OOH, OOH!
WHAT ABOUT MADAME EDITH?
SHE WILL BE HEARTBROKEN.
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT.
I WILL WRITE HER
A TENDER NOTE
TO SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
IT IS BEST FOR BOTH OF US
THAT I LEAVE YOU.
DO NOT GRIEVE FOR ME.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
WILL MAKE YOU A FINE HUSBAND.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
RENE ARTOIS.
YOU WANT I SHOULD
GIVE IT TO HER?
THERE. HANG ON.
- I WILL PUT HER NAME ON IT.
- IT IS NOT NECESSARY.
I AM NOT STUPID.
THIS ONE IS BUFF,
FOR YOUR BIT OF STUFF.
( laughs )
WELL, UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER
- FAREWELL.
- FAREWELL, RENE.
THIS ONE IS FOR--
THERE YOU ARE.
TWO TICKETS TO DIJON 2nd CLASS.
IT IS WAITING ON PLATFORM 3.
HURRY UP.
MONSIEUR?
I ALREADY HAVE MY TICKET,
11:15 FOR GENEVA.
THAT IS ONE HOUR EARLY.
- I DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT.
- THE WAITING ROOM IS OPEN.
AH, YES!
( sings off-key )
AND THAT IS THE END
OF MY SONG.
( customers moan )
IS THERE ANY NEWS OF RENE?
NOT A WHISPER.
IT IS THE FIRST TIME
THAT THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HAVE NOT BEEN HERE.
WHERE CAN THEY ALL BE?
MADAME EDITH,
I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS
UNTIL YOU FINISHED YOUR SONG,
BUT I HAVE A NOTE FOR YOU.
WHERE IS IT?
UH, IT IS IN MY JACKET.
I WILL GET IT FOR YOU.
NOW WHICH ONE IS WHICH?
UH, THIS ONE IS BUFF,
FOR THE BIT OF OLD ROUGH.
IT IS FROM RENE.
Rene's voice:
"I HAVE NICKED
A FORTUNE IN GOLD.
WE MUST LEAVE TONIGHT
FOR OUR LOVE NEST
IN THE MOUNTAINS.
BE ON THE 11:15
GENEVA EXPRESS.
HERE IS THE TICKET
FOR THE SLEEPER.
YOUR OWN, RENE.
( kissing sound )"
ALL MY DREAMS
HAVE COME TRUE.
( register rings )
HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN.
SHE HAS TAKEN IT VERY WELL.
OH, YVETTE!
THIS ONE IS WHITE,
FOR THE BIT OF ALL RIGHT.
YVETTE, I HAVE A NOTE
FROM RENE FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU!
Rene's voice:
"GOODBYE.
IT IS BEST FOR BOTH OF US
THAT I LEAVE YOU.
DO NOT GRIEVE FOR ME.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
WILL MAKE YOU A FINE HUSBAND.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
RENE ARTOIS."
YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!
I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU
IF YOU WERE
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH!
ALL I ASKED FOR
WAS A BLOODY MARY.
RENE!
HE HAS LEFT ME A NOTE.
"I HAVE NICKED
A FORTUNE IN GOLD."
( Rene whispers )
"I HAVE NICKED A FORTUNE
IN GOLD
( voice mumbles )
YOUR OWN, RENE.
( kissing sound )"
"( kissing sound )"
I WILL FOLLOW HIM
TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH.
WHO ARE YOU?
I AM THE GUARD
FOR THE GENEVA EXPRESS.
BUT I AM THE GUARD
FOR THE GENEVA EXPRESS.
THE UNION HAS NEGOTIATED
SHORTER HOURS.
THREE CHEERS FOR
THE TRANSPORT AND GENERAL.
( sultry )
I HAVE RESERVED ONE
FIRST CLASS SLEEPER
FOR GENEVA, PLEASE.
NAME?
MADAME X.
PSST, HELGA!
COME HERE.
NOW REMEMBER,
YOU WILL DISTRACT
THE SWEDISH PAINTING EXPERT
WHILE WE SWITCH THE PAINTINGS
IN THE GUARD'S VAN.
VERY GOOD, COLONEL.
WHERE'S GRUBER?
I THINK
I SAW HIM OUTSIDE.
GRUBER,
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
A DINING CAR ATTENDANT.
I COULD NOT ACQUIRE
THE UNIFORM.
HAVE YOU BROUGHT
THE FORGED PAINTINGS?
THEY ARE HERE
IN MY LONG LUNCH BOX.
ONE FIRST CLASS SLEEPER
FOR GENEVA.
HELGA,
YOU SEE THAT MAN?
THAT IS THE QUARRY.
YOU WILL FOLLOW HIM.
WHEN HE HAS
PUT THE PAINTINGS
INTO THE SAFE
IN THE GUARD'S VAN,
YOU WILL
INSINUATE YOURSELF
INTO HIS COMPARTMENT,
YOU WILL DRUG HIS WINE
AND GET FROM HIM
THE KEYS OF THE SAFE
WHICH WILL BE
IN HIS POSSESSION.
VERY GOOD, COLONEL.
( train whistle blows )
THAT WILL BE THE TRAIN NOW.
QUICK, GO!
MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC
ARE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE.
WE ARE MEMBERS
OF THE GESTAPO.
TAKE OFF YOUR JACKETS
AND LEAVE THE TRAIN.
BUT IT IS MOVING!
THEN YOU HAD
BETTER START RUNNING
BEFORE YOU TOUCH
THE GROUND.
HELLO.
GOOD EVENING.
I AM PLACING THIS PACKAGE
OF VERY LITTLE VALUE
IN THIS, UH
DEPOSIT BOX.
WE WILL KEEP
AN EYE ON IT.
WE WILL GUARD IT
WITH OUR LIVES.
WE WILL ALSO TAKE CARE
OF THE KEY IF YOU WISH.
I PREFER TO ATTACH IT
TO MY PERSON.
4B. THAT IS THE ONE.
IS THAT YOU?
YES, MY LOVE.
THERE IS A WONDERFUL
SMELL OF PERFUME.
I HAVE POURED
A WHOLE BOTTLE
OVER MYSELF.
I FEEL LIKE
A LITTLE GIRL.
YOU ARE A LITTLE GIRL.
CAN YOU GET UP
WITHOUT A LADDER?
HOPEFULLY.
THIS IS THE FIRST NIGHT
OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
RENE,
I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.
NEITHER CAN I.
( theme music playing )