'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s06e03 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
( doorbell dings )
IF YOU HAD BEEN HERE
10 MINUTES AGO,
YOU WOULD HAVE
SEEN ME DISGUISED AS
THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME.
THIS DISGUISE
WAS TO DECEIVE HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO
AND HIS ASSISTANT
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
WHO WERE
THEMSELVES DISGUISED
AS BRITISH AIRMEN
IN THE HOPE
OF FINDING OUT
WHO IT WAS
THAT IS HELPING THEM
TO ESCAPE.
THEY WERE ADMITTED
TO A DESERTED CHATEAU
BY MY WAITRESS MIMI,
DISGUISED AS A BALD
TOOTHLESS MANSERVANT;
YVETTE,
DISGUISED AS THE BRIDE
OF FRANKENSTEIN;
MONSIEUR LECLERC
DISGUISED AS A FOOTMAN
WITH FOUR ARMS;
AND MY WIFE EDITH,
DISGUISED AS A CACKLING
OLD CRONE.
THESE DESCRIPTIONS
WILL BE CIRCULATED.
BUT NOW WE HAVE
RETURNED TO NORMAL,
THE THEORY IS THAT WE
WILL NEVER BE TRACED.
THOUGH I AM
A LITTLE BIT WORRIED
ABOUT EDITH
WHO EVEN WITH MAKEUP,
DOES NOT LOOK ALL
THAT DIFFERENT
FROM HER NORMAL
APPEARANCE.
RENE,
MICHELLE IS HERE.
SHE WISHES
TO SPEAK TO YOU
URGENTLY.
OH, HECK.
WE HAVE LOST
OFFICER CRABTREE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I HAVE HERE HIS UNIFORM
AND A SOLVENT TO REMOVE
FROM HIS HEAD
- THE FALSE EARS
OF HIS DISGUISE.
- WHY BRING THEM HERE?
HE CANNOT GO
TO THE POLICE STATION
IN HIS PRESENT STATE
SO I'VE ARRANGED
TO HAVE HIM DIRECTED HERE.
GOOD MOANING.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I AM BEING FELLOWED.
A VERY LARGE
GERMAN SONTRY HAS
BEEN CHITTING ME UP.
I THINK
HE FONCIES ME.
THEY WILL GO
FOR ANYTHING
IN A SKIRT.
HE MUST BE
VERY DESPERATE.
HE WAS.
I COULD NOT RUN.
I HAD MY KNOCKERS
ROUND MY ANKLES.
HERE IS YOUR UNIFORM.
YOU CAN CHANGE
IN MY BEDROOM.
I WILL CHECK
IF THE COAST
IS CLEAR.
YES. GO NOW.
ONLY MY REGULAR
CUSTOMERS ARE IN THE CAFE.
( whistles and catcalls)
SOXIST POSANTS.
YOU ARE CRIMPET MAD.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
MY PEOPLE HAVE
DISMANTLED THE MECHANISM
OF THE TELESCOPIC AERIAL
THAT WAS IN THE GRAVEYARD.
WHILE YOU
WERE AT THE CHATEAU,
THEY REASSEMBLED IT
IN THE BEDROOM OF YOUR
WIFE'S MOTHER.
NOW IT IS TIME
TO SEND A MESSAGE TO LONDON,
TO ARRANGE FOR THE SUBMARINE
TO MEET THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
THEY ARE NEAR THE CANAL
WITH THEIR UPTURNED BATH,
WAITING FOR INSTRUCTIONS
TO MEET THE SUBMARINE.
UNDERSTAND THIS
CLEARLY, MICHELLE:
THESE ARE THE LAST
AIRMEN TO HIDE HERE.
I WILL HAVE NO MORE OF IT.
DO YOU NOT REALIZE
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE
TO BE SELECTED
TO BE THE HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE?
THERE ARE THOUSANDS
WAITING TO FILL YOUR SHOES.
GOOD.
WHEEL IN NUMBER ONE.
GET TO THE ATTIC.
WE MUST SEND THE MESSAGE.
AND SEE, EDITH,
THIS IS THE MATERIAL
FROM WHICH
THEY WILL FASHION
MY WEDDING GOWN.
OH!
IT IS BEAUTIFUL, MAMA.
BLACK MARKET,
400 FRANCS A YARD.
AND FROM THIS ONE,
THEY WILL MAKE UP
THE DRESSES
FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS.
IT FEELS VERY
HARD-WEARING.
OH, IT IS.
IT IS GOOD STUFF.
MONSIEUR ALFONSE
USES THE VERY SAME
TO LINE HIS
MOST EXPENSIVE COFFINS.
MICHELLE WISHES
TO SEND A MESSAGE
TO LONDON.
MY MOTHER
WAS JUST ABOUT
TO HAVE HER NAP.
WE WILL DISTRESS HER
AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.
YOU SHOULD NOT
HAVE FITTED A SKYLIGHT
IN MY ROOF
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
I FEEL EXPOSED.
NOBODY CAN SEE YOU
FROM UP THERE,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
WHEN I WAKE
IN THE MORNING,
THE FIRST THING I SEE
IS THE BUM OF A PIGEON.
IT IS TO ALLOW
OUR TELESCOPIC AERIAL
TO RISE TO ITS
OPERATIONAL HEIGHT.
COME, WE MUST
SEND THE SIGNAL.
( creaking )
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
OH! OH!
AM I TO BE CRUSHED
LIKE A BEETLE?
QUICK, THE RADIO.
( Fanny moaning )
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WATCH, AND ALL
WILL BE REVEALED.
( creaking )
( whirring )
QUICK. HERE IS
THE MESSAGE.
HELLO LONDON.
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK
CALLING. OVER.
Hello, Nighthawk.
We are receiving you
very loud and clear.
Pass your message.
Over.
THE COW IS READY
TO JUMP OVER
THE MOON.
JACK AND JILL
ARE STANDING BY
IN THE BUCKET.
Message received
and understood.
MICHELLE,
I CANNOT UNGLEE
MY EARS.
EDITH,
WHY HAVE I,
IN MY ROOM,
A SIX-FOOT PIXIE?
HERE, TAKE THE SOLVENT.
OH, LOOK!
IT IS BEGINNING
TO SNOW.
- OH, NO.
- All: OOH!
CANCEL THE WEDDING!
I CANNOT
HAVE MY HONEYMOON
UNDER
THESE CONDITIONS.
QUICK, PULL DOWN
THE AERIAL.
YOU CANNOT DO THIS
TO MY MOTHER.
OH, EARNEST WILL BE
FROZEN STIFF.
IF HE IS A TRUE FRENCHMAN,
HE WILL NOT COMPLAIN.
I WILL COLLAPSE
THE AERIAL.
( whirring )
IT IS A BUZZARD.
THEY FEED ON THE DEAD.
GO AWAY.
COME BACK AFTER
THE HONEYMOON.
( bird squawking )
NEVER IN MY ENTIRE
MILITARY CAREER
HAVE I KNOWN ONE
OF MY BRILLIANT PLANS
TO BE SO MONSTROUSLY
COCKED UP.
YOU'RE
INCOMPETENT FOOLS.
GENERALI, HOW CAN
YOU SAY THIS?
MY MEN, THEY JUMP-A
FROM-A THE PLANE
IN THE BRITISH CLOUDS,
WITH THE BIG-A THE MUSTACHE,
AND-A THEY SMOKE-A
THE PEEPS.
AND THEY WALK ABOUT
IN THE WOODS
IMPERSONATING
THE BRITISH OFFICERS.
THEY GO,
"FA FA FA FA."
"FA FA?"
"FA FA."
"FA FA.
OH, FA FA."
"FA FA-FA-FA."
AND THEN-A THEY DROP-A
THEIR ANISEED BALLS.
BUT DO YOUR BLOODHOUNDS
FOLLOW THE SCENT? NO.
WHAT HAPPENS?
NO MEET THE RESISTANCE,
NO MEET-A THE DOGS.
IT'S GRUBER'S FAULT.
HE COULDN'T GET
BLOODHOUNDS.
HE BOUGHT POODLES.
BORROWED
FROM FRENCH TARTS.
I OWE THEM
5,000 FRANCS
FOR LOSS OF BUSINESS.
GENERAL,
TWO BRITISH AIRMEN
HAVE BEEN APPREHENDED
BY OUR PATROLS.
THEY ARE OUTSIDE.
AH! AT LEAST SOMEONE
IS ON THE BALL.
BRING THEM IN.
IN HERE!
YOUR IDIOT SOLDIERS
REFUSED TO BELIEVE
THAT WE ARE OFFICERS
OF THE GESTAPO.
THEY WERE
VERY RUDE TO US.
THEY CALLED ME
"SHORTY."
NEVER MIND THIS.
DID YOU MAKE CONTACT
WITH THE RESISTANCE?
WE DID.
WE WISH YOU TO ARREST
PERSON OR PERSONS
WHO ANSWER
TO THE FOLLOWING
DESCRIPTIONS--
GRUBER, TAKE NOTES.
ONE BALD-HEADED
MIDGET BUTLER
WITH ONE
TOOTH.
ONE HUNCHBACK
MONSTER.
ONE BRIDE
OF FRANKENSTEIN.
ONE VERY OLD
CACKLING CRONE.
SHE HAD
A VERY LONG NOSE,
BUT OTHERWISE,
WAS NOT UNLIKE
MADAM EDITH.
ONE FOOTMAN.
ANY FEATURES
YOU PARTICULARLY
REMEMBER?
HE HAD FOUR ARMS.
AND HOW DID YOU
FIND THE RENDEZVOUS
WHERE YOU MET
THESE EXTRAORDINARY
PEOPLE?
WE WERE LED THERE
BY A GIRL,
SIX FOOT TALL,
WITH A MUSTACHE
AND EARS LIKE A JUG.
WITH HER KNICKERS
ROUND HER ANKLES.
CLEARLY YOU
ARE GIVING US THESE
LUDICROUS DESCRIPTIONS
BECAUSE YOU
WISH THE GESTAPO
TO TAKE THE CREDIT
FOR THE CAPTURE OF THE
RESISTANCE PEOPLE.
I'M WARNING YOU--
YOU'LL BE KEPT UNDER
VERY CLOSE OBSERVATION.
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
WITHOUT ME KNOWING ABOUT IT.
MEANWHILE,
BERLIN WILL BE INFORMED
OF YOUR PERVERSE ANTICS
AND YOUR RECALCITRANT
DEMEANOR,
WHICH HAS EXACERBATED
THE QUID PRO QUO,
VIS-A-VIS
INTERDEPARTMENTAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
TO OUR DICTIONARIES.
GENERAL,
ON THE TELEPHONE
IS A CALL
FROM OUR WIRELESS
MONITORING STATION.
- GET IT, GRUBER.
- YES, GENERAL.
YES? YES.
YES, I SEE.
I WILL CONVEY THIS
TO THE GENERAL.
GENERAL, MESSAGES
HAVE BEEN INTERCEPTED
BETWEEN NOUVION
AND LONDON BY OUR WIRELESS
MONITORING SERVICE.
- WHAT DID THEY SAY?
- WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR
THAT A COW IS READY
TO JUMP OVER THE MOON,
AND JACK AND JILL
ARE STANDING IN A BUCKET.
( sighs )
OBVIOUSLY OUR
MONITORING STATION
HAS BEEN INFILTRATED
BY THE GESTAPO.
ARREST THE OPERATORS
AND PLACE THEM
WITH TRUSTED MEN.
YES, GENERAL.
THE PROBLEM REMAINS:
HOW DO WE KEEP TABS
ON HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO?
HELGA IS VERY
CLOSE TO HIM.
THEY'RE KEEN
TO MARRY.
IT IS HERR FLICK
WHO IS KEEN
TO MARRY.
I AM AMBIVALENT.
YES, I QUITE UNDERSTAND
YOUR POSITION.
YOU WILL BECOME
KEEN AT ONCE.
YOU WILL MARRY HERR FLICK
AND STICK TO HIM LIKE GLUE.
YOU WILL REPORT
BACK TO US AND WE WILL
MOP UP THE RESISTANCE.
AND THEN
I WILL ASK THE FUHRER
TO ANNUL THE MARRIAGE.
IS THIS NOT
A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY
FOR A LANCE CORPORAL?
IF YOU SUCCEED,
YOU COULD RISE INSTANTLY
TO THE RANK
OF SERGEANT,
AND I WILL RECOMMEND YOU
FOR A POST ON THE STAFF
OF ONE OF THE FUHRER'S
LOVE CAMPS, WHERE YOU
WILL BE SURROUNDED
BY THE CREAM OF BLOND-HAIRED
GERMAN MANHOOD.
WHO COULD REFUSE
SUCH AN OFFER?
WHO INDEED?
( knocks )
IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?
'ALLO, 'ALLO?
( knocks )
IS THERE ANYBODY
IN THERE?
- ( both ) HELLO.
- HELLO.
IT'S THAT DREADFUL MAN
FROM THE CAFE.
LOOK, HE'S GOT FOOD.
THERE IS A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.
IT IS IN THE SANDWICH.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T SPEAK A WORD
OF THE LANGUAGE.
EW!
THE DAMN THING'S
FULL OF PAPER.
LOOK, THERE'S
WRITING ON IT.
I THINK IT WAS A MESSAGE.
IT'S SIGNED "MICHELLE."
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"ANAL 'UBMARINE"
SHE'S A FUNNY
SORT OF A GIRL,
ISN'T SHE?
I HAVE IT!
THEY WANT US
TO GO DOWN THE CANAL,
AND MEET THE SUBMARINE.
AH WELL, HERE GOES.
( knocking on door )
ENTER.
THE GENERAL HAS SENT YOU
THIS BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,
AND HOPES
THAT THESE QUARTERS
WILL BE SUITABLE
FOR YOUR PURPOSE.
TELL THE GENERAL
I'M OVERWHELMED.
YOU WILL SEE
THAT THERE IS ALSO
ONE SMALL POT
OF CAVIAR,
WHICH, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
IS AN APHRODISIAC.
OH MY.
YOUR MESSAGE
SUMMONING HERR FLICK
WAS DELIVERED
HALF AN HOUR AGO.
THE GENERAL
IS MOST ANXIOUS
THAT THE MARRIAGE
TAKE PLACE AS SOON
AS POSSIBLE
AND BE CONSUMMATED
WITHOUT DELAY,
SO THAT THE SPYING
MAY COMMENCE.
I HOPE THE ANNULMENT
MAY BE ARRANGED
WITH THE SAME SPEED.
- ( knocking on door )
- ENTER.
HERE ARE THE FLOWERS
THAT YOU ORDERED,
LIEUTENANT.
NOT YET.
THEY ARE TO BE
DELIVERED
AFTER THE ARRIVAL
OF HERR FLICK.
VERY GOOD.
( clicks heels )
ATTACHED--
ATTACHED
TO THE FLOWERS
IS A NOTE,
SEEMINGLY
FROM AN ADMIRER.
THE PURPOSE OF THIS
IS TO DRIVE HER FLICK
MAD WITH JEALOUSY,
SO THAT HE WILL,
AS IT WERE, GET
HIS FINGER OUT.
I SEE.
AT WHAT STAGE
OF THE PROCEEDINGS
DO YOU EXPECT
THESE FLOWERS
TO ARRIVE?
AT THE POP
OF THE CHAMPAGNE CORK.
- GOOD.
- GOOD LUCK.
YOUR SERGEANT'S STRIPES
ARE IN THE DRAWER
OF THE GENERAL'S
BUREAU.
AND I HAVE
VOLUNTEERED
TO DRIVE YOU TO
THE LOVE CAMP.
( gramophone playing )
( singing )
I CAN'T HELP IT
THE GENERAL
THINKS OF EVERYTHING.
( knocking on door )
( gramophone stops )
ENTER.
IT SEEMS
THAT THE GERMAN ARMY
TAKE VERY GOOD CARE
OF THEIR PRIVATES.
I'M NOW
A LANCE CORPORAL.
OF COURSE.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
I FORGOT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE SEEN MY QUARTERS.
LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.
YOUR NOTE
INDICATED THAT YOU WISH
TO DISCUSS WITH ME
SOMETHING
OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.
YES, I DO.
SIT DOWN.
( restarts gramophone )
MAY I REMOVE
YOUR GESTAPO HAT?
IF YOU WISH.
BUT DO IT WITH CARE.
I HAVE JUST HAD
A SHORT BACK AND SIDES.
HERR FLICK,
YOU HAVE IN THE PAS
DONE ME THE HONOR
OF PROPOSING TO ME
MARRIAGE.
I CANNOT KEEP YOU
DANGLING ANY LONGER.
I WAS NOT, UNTIL NOW,
AWARE THAT I WAS DANGLING.
I AM THEREFORE
TAKING THE BULL
BY THE HORNS
AND ASKING YOU
TO MARRY ME.
TAKE ME, HERR FLICK.
I AM IN THE FLOOD
OF MY YOUTH.
THIS I CAN SEE.
IN FACT, SOME OF IT
IS SPILLING OVER.
WE'D BETTER
HAVE THE CHAMPAGNE.
HOW TYPICAL
OF THE FRENCH.
THEY PUT THINGS IN
WITH NEVER A THOUGH
OF HOW TO GET
THEM OUT AGAIN.
- ( mimics cork popping )
- ( knocking on door )
MY, MY.
WHO CAN THIS BE?
ENTER.
THESE FLOWERS
WERE DELIVERED FOR YOU.
EXIT.
OH, DEAR.
WILL VON NOOKHAUSEN
NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE?
- ( china breaking )
- ( Von Smallhausen screams )
ARE YOU
JEALOUS THAT ADMIRERS
SEND ME FLOWERS?
NO. I AM
MORE CONCERNED
THAT YOU HAVE
RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
HE WAITS WITH MY CAR.
HOWEVER, HE WILL
PROBABLY RECOVER.
WHERE WERE WE?
I WAS ACCEPTING
YOUR PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE.
HOW DO YOU FANCY
A LITTLE SNACK?
TAKE IT AWAY, HELGA.
I CAN NEVER
BRING MYSELF TO EAT
THE LITTLE BALLS
OF THE FISH.
THIS BRINGS ME
TO THE RING.
I HAVE NOT YET
CHOSEN A RING.
BUT I HAVE.
RUBIES AND PEARLS.
HELGA, I AM MOST TOUCHED.
IT IS A LITTLE SMALL.
IT IS FOR ME.
( laughs )
SEE?
HELGA, YOU MUST
UNDERSTAND
THAT ALTHOUGH I HAVE
A SUNNY AND OUTGOING
PERSONALITY,
I AM BY NATURE
SHY.
THIS IS BECAUSE
I WAS AN ORPHAN
AND WAS RAISED
BY SOME VERY OLD NUNS.
THEY FAILED TO DRAW
TO MY ATTENTION
ONE OR TWO
ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN THE BOY BEES
AND THE GIRL BEES.
FOR THIS REASON,
AT THIS MOMENT,
I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER
I AM ON MY HEAD OR MY HEELS.
TRY YOUR BACK.
MIMI, MY WIFE
IS ABOUT TO SING.
HURRY UP
WITH THE CHEESE.
THE GERMANS WANT I
FOR THEIR EARS.
OH, RENE.
YOU HAVE NOT
HUGGED AND KISSED ME
SINCE I WAS DRESSED
AS A LITTLE OLD
BALD-HEADED BUTLER
WITH ONE TOOTH.
WELL, YOU DID LOOK
A BIT LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
EMBRACE ME, RENE.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
HERE.
STAND ON THE STOOL.
RENEW MY
CONFIDENCE, RENE.
TURN THE KEY THAT UNLOCKS
THE PASSION IN MY BODY.
MAKE THE DRUMS
SOUND IN MY HEAD.
( thumping on door )
IT IS WORKING.
IT IS THE DOOR!
- ( piano playing )
- HURRY UP WITH
THE CHEESE.
MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS HALFWAY THROUGH
THE INTRODUCTION.
YES, HURRY UP
WITH THE CHEESE, MIMI.
DO NOT HANG ABOUT
IN THE LARDER.
( growls )
OH, RENE!
OH, I CANNOT
STAND THE STRAIN
OF OUR SECRET ROMANCE
MUCH LONGER.
MY HAIR IS BEGINNING
TO FALL OUT.
I TOO HAVE BEEN
UNDER GREAT STRAIN,
YVETTE.
THERE IS ONLY
ONE THOUGHT IN MY HEAD.
YOU YOU YOU.
I AM THE SAME.
ME ME ME.
- OH, RENE.
- OH, YVETTE.
HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT?
HALF THE INTRO
AND TWO CHORUSES.
( both gasp )
( piano playing )
( singing tunelessly )
HAPPY FEET
I'VE GOT
THOSE HAPPY FEET
I'VE GOT THOSE
HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP
HAPPY FEET.
I WONDER WHERE
SHE LEARNED THE DANCING?
I THINK
KILLING COCKROACHES
IN HER KITCHEN.
RENE, YOU HAVE MISSED
MY CABARET.
I WAS IN THE LARDER,
DEALING WITH ANOTHER HAM.
PSST!
MICHELLE, BACKROOM.
WHY DOES SHE
ALWAYS HAVE TO COME
WHEN WE ARE BUSY?
( shoes tapping )
SHUT UP.
Rene:
NOW MICHELLE,
PLEASE HURRY.
I HAVE GERMANS
IN MY CAFE.
IN THAT CASE
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE:
WE MUST BE
AT THE RENDEZVOUS
TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE AIRMEN MEET THE
SUBMARINE AND GET AWAY.
I HAVE A BOAT
STANDING BY.
WHAT EXCUSE
HAVE WE GOT TO BE
IN A BOAT IN THE ESTUARY?
NOUVION IS RENOWNED
FOR ITS ROWING EIGHT.
YOUR FOUR WILL BE JOINED
BY FOUR OF MY GIRLS
POSING AS
THE CLUB TEAM.
WHEN I WAS
A YOUNG GIRL
I WAS A MEMBER.
WE WERE KNOWN AS
"THE NOUVION OARS."
HOW WILL WE
FIND THE SUBMARINE?
A MARKER WILL BE
SENT TO THE SURFACE.
AND HOW ARE WE
TO RECOGNIZE
THIS MARKER?
SIMPLE. IT WILL BE
A RADIO-CONTROLLED GOOSE.
THERE ARE
IN THE ESTUARY
MANY GEESE.
HOW DO WE KNOW
WHICH ONE IS THE MARKER?
ITS EYES WILL FLASH.
IT WILL EMIT SMOKE
FROM THE OTHER END.
WELL, THAT SHOULD
HELP IT TO STAND OUT
FROM THE CROWD.
BE ON THE SHORE, 9:30,
BY THE CLUBHOUSE,
TOMORROW.
- NOW LOOK, MICHELLE--
- IF YOU ARE GOING INTO
ONE OF YOUR WHINGEING MOODS,
I WILL CALL OFF THE
WHOLE OPERATION AND PUT THE
AIRMEN BACK IN YOUR CELLAR.
- OH, NO NO NO.
ANYTHING BUT THAT.
- GOOD.
I WILL NOW DISAPPEAR
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW,
PAST YOUR DUSTBINS.
I CANNOT WAIT
FOR THE WAR TO BE OVER.
THEN I CAN
TELL THAT GIRL
WHAT A BOSSY PAIN IN THE NECK
SHE HAS BECOME.
I HAVE NOT
GONE YET.
COLONEL,
I HAVE NEWS.
VON RATHAUS
HAS REPORTED
STRANGE ACTIVITIES
IN THE ESTUARY.
THE GENERAL
IS MYSTIFIED
AND REQUIRES US
TO INVESTIGATE.
( faux French accent )
I CANNOT SUE ANYBODY
WITH MY BINICULARS.
I THINK THE CURST
IS CLEAR.
WHY DO YOU
NOT CURRY AN EAR?
BECAUSE I HAVE
A MOGAPHONE.
CLEVER DOCK.
- ( motor splutters )
- IT WILL NOT GO.
WHAT DO WE DO?
CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
GET OUT AND GIVE US
A PUSH START.
I HAVE-A
THE BETTER IDEA.
( chuckles )
BEFORE THE WAR,
I WAS THE GONDOLIER
IN VENICE.
MMWAH!
( mimicking opera )
JUST-A ONE OAR'S
A-BETTER
THAN TWO YOU SEE
- Carstairs: WHERE ARE WE?
- Fairfax: I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE GOT FROG SPAWN
ON MY PERISCOPE.
- LEND ME YOUR HANKY.
- CERTAINLY NOT.
WHAT ARE WE
LOOKING FOR?
WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A FLASHING GOOSE.
- CANADIAN?
- ALMOST CERTAINLY.
( motor rumbling,
radar pinging )
CAN YOU
SEE ANYTHING, SIR?
NOT A LOT.
WE'RE IN THE ESTUARY,
BUT I'M NOT
QUITE SURE WHERE.
DOWN PERISCOPE.
SHALL I
SEND UP THE GOOSE?
YES.
GOOD IDEA.
FIRE NUMBER ONE.
- ( distant rumble )
- Goose away.
- GOOSE AWAY, SIR.
- JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
( soft bubbling )
ALL WE CAN DO NOW
IS WAIT.
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING
ON YOUR ASDIC?
NO, SIR.
IT CLEARED UP
LAST WEEK.
IN, OUT, IN, OUT--
SHUT UP,
YOU OLD FOOL.
WE STOPPED ROWING
FIVE MINUTES AGO.
RENE, MICHELLE
IS COMING ALONGSIDE
IN THE FUNERAL BOAT
OF MONSIEUR ALFONSE.
( motor rumbling )
HAVE YOU SEEN
THE UPTURNED BATH
CONTAINING THE AIRMEN?
NO, WE HAVE NOT.
THIS IS
A COMPLETE FIASCO.
WHY DO WE NOT JUST ROW HOME
BEFORE WE ALL GET SHOT?
SISSY!
- ( buzzing )
- RENE, A GOOSE
IS APPROACHING.
( motor buzzing )
( phone ringing )
SOMEBODY PLEASE
ANSWER THAT GOOSE.
HELLO,
THIS IS BLUE TIT HERE.
AH, HELLO, BLUE TIT.
WHERE ARE THESE
AIRMEN CHAPPIES?
WE CAN'T HANG ABOUT.
WE'RE TRYING
TO LOCATE THEM.
MADAME EDITH,
LOOK!
MICHELLE,
THE GERMANS ARE HEADING
TOWARDS US IN A BOAT.
IT'S THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
SORRY, WE CAN'T
TALK ANYMORE.
WE SEEM TO HAVE
A BIT OF A PROBLEM.
( quacks )
- HEAD TOWARDS THE SHORE!
- AYE AYE, SIR.
SHE'S HUNG UP.
AHOY THERE.
RENE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ROWING ABOUT HERE?
HELLO, COLONEL.
WE ARE
THE CHAMPION
ROWING CLUB.
WE ARE PRACTICING
FOR THE REGATTA.
Colonel:
CLEAR THE AREA
AT ONCE.
YOU HAD
BETTER HIDE.
WE ARE INVESTIGATING
SUSPICIOUS GOINGS-ON.
OH, YES,
CERTAINLY.
ALL TOGETHER,
GIRLS.
IN, OUT, IN, OUT
IT'S MY OPINION
THAT THERE IS
A SUBMARINE
HERE SOMEWHERE.
I AGREE, GRUBER.
BUT WHERE?
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, SIR?
- I HAVEN'T THE
FOGGIEST IDEA.
LET'S SEE
WHAT'S GOING ON.
UP PERISCOPE.
IF WE COULD FIND IT,
IT WOULD BE
A FEATHER IN OUR CAPS.
( creaking, crunching )
WE--
WE'RE SINKING!
MAN THE LIFEBOATS!
( all yelling )
( theme music playing )