'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s06e08 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU FIND ME DRESSED UP
LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG
IN ORDER TO BE
THE BEST MAN AT THE WEDDING
OF MONSIEUR LECLERC--
THE GETAWAY DRIVER,
TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER--
THE PAIN IN THE NECK.
THANK YOU
FOR COMING.
THIS WHOLE CHARADE
WAS ARRANGED
SO THE RECEPTION
CAN BE HELD IN A MARQUEE
AT THE BACK
OF MY CAFE.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
THIS MARQUEE CONCEALS,
WOULD YOU BELIEVE,
A COLLAPSIBLE
BARRAGE BALLOON
WAITING INFLATED
BY 12 CYLINDERS OF HELIUM
DISGUISED AS PRIZED
VEGETABLE MARROWS
FROM ALGERIA?
THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE DISGUISED
SO THAT NO ONE
WILL RECOGNIZE THEM.
( grunting )
JOLLY GOOD WEDDING!
BANG ON.
THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM
HAVE JUST BEEN SIGNING
THE REGISTER.
HERE THEY COME NOW.
WAKE UP, ERNEST!
MARROWS! MARROWS!
WHO WOULD LIKE TO
BUY ALGERIAN--
- SHUT UP!
- MAMA, ARE YOU LOOKING
FORWARD TO YOUR HONEYMOON?
OH, I THOUGHT
THIS WAS IT.
( wailing )
IS THIS ANY WAY
TO TREAT A POOR OLD BRIDE?
PLEASE!
OVER HERE!
CAN I HAVE THE FAMILY
AGAINST THE CHURCH WALL,
PLEASE?
BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING?
MONSIEUR ALFONSE
WANTS YOU AGAINST
THE CHURCH WALL, MAMA.
BUT IS THIS CUSTOMARY?
THAT IS GOOD.
CAN I HAVE
THE BRIDESMAIDS BEHIND?
HURRY!
CAN THE BRIDEGROOM
GET UP?
( grunts )
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
SMILE, PLEASE.
THAT'S A SIMPLE
RURAL SCENE.
AN EVERYDAY STORY
OF SIMPLE COUNTRYFOLK.
AND IF THEY DO NOT
SURRENDER THE AIRMEN,
THE GENERAL WILL
BLOW THEM ALL UP.
WE COULD
REFER THE MATTER TO
A HIGHER AUTHORITY,
SO WE DO NOT CARRY
THE CAN.
QUITE RIGHT, GRUBER.
WE'LL SEE THAT
GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN
GETS THE MESSAGE.
THE GENERAL
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN?
THIS IS THE GENERAL
WHO IS A BIT THIS WAY,
THAT WAY?
THAT IS THE ONE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER
WILL GIVE HIM THE MESSAGE.
IS EVERYBODY PREPARED?
OOH!
HOLD TIGHT, ERNEST.
WE ARE ABOUT
TO HIT THE COBBLES.
YES YES YES.
- FORWARD!
- ( guests cheering )
GOOD LUCK, MAMA!
AW
WE SHOULD HAVE HAD
AN OLD BOOT ON THE BACK.
YOU ALREADY HAVE
AN OLD BOOT IN THE BED.
( pounds on door )
WHO IS THIS?
IT IS I,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
GIVE THE PASSWORD.
I DO NOT KNOW
THE PASSWORD.
THEN STAY
IN THE PASSAGE FOREVER.
ABRACADABRA!
DIB DIB DIB!
WHY ARE YOU GOT UP
IN THE MANNER OF A BOY SCOUT?
IN ORDER
TO ENTER THE GENERAL'S
QUARTERS IN THE CHATEAU.
- IT IS BOB-A-JOB WEEK.
- DID IT WORK?
LIKE A DREAM.
THE GENERAL FIRST
ADMIRED MY WOGGLE,
AND THEN HE TOLD ME
TO CLEAN HIS MEDALS.
DURING THIS, I OBTAINED
A MAP OF THE POSITION
OF THE MINES
WITH WHICH THE GENERAL IS
ABOUT TO BLOW UP NOUVION.
WELL DONE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
DID THE GENERAL
REMEMBER THE SHILLING?
I HAVE IT HERE.
GOOD.
YOU MAY CONTRIBUTE IT
TO THE HOME FOR FALLEN
GESTAPO GENTLEWOMEN.
WHERE EXACTLY
IS THIS HOME?
YOU DO NOT
GET THAT INFORMATION
FOR ONE SHILLING.
YOU WILL BE
ALL RIGHT THERE, MAMA.
A BIT CRAMPED HERE.
CAN WE NOT MOVE THIS
CANVAS, PLEASE?
YOU FOOL!
THAT CANVAS IS
THE BARRAGE BALLOON!
BUT THERE IS NO ROOM
FOR OUR FEET!
THAT IS BECAUSE
UNDER THE TABLE
ARE 20 PRIZE-WINNING
VEGETABLE MARROWS
WHICH CONTAIN
THE HELIUM GAS CYLINDERS.
MY GIRLS ARE EVEN NOW
AT THIS MOMENT CONNECTING
THEM ALL UP,
SO THAT WITH THE TURN
OF ONE VALVE,
THE BALLOON WILL INFLATE
IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
- ( clattering )
- SHH!
SORRY.
HOW WILL
THE AIRMEN TRAVEL?
A BASKET WILL BE BROUGHT IN
TO TAKE IN THE RUBBISH
AFTER THE RECEPTION.
THIS BASKET WILL BE
ATTACHED BY FOUR ROPES
TO THE BALLOON.
- PSST!
- HAVE YOU FINISHED?
WE HAVE DONE OUR BEST.
ALL THE MARROWS ARE
CONNECTED TOGETHER.
UNFORTUNATELY,
SOME OF THE CONNECTIONS
ARE IMPERIAL,
AND THEY SHOULD
HAVE BEEN WHITWORTH.
I DO NOT KNOW HOW WELL
THEY WILL HOLD.
( flatulence )
( high-pitched )
I'M GLAD THAT IS OVER!
WHY IS SHE SPEAKING
LIKE DONALD THE DUCK?
SHE HAS INHALED
THE HELIUM GAS.
IT TIGHTENS
THE VOCAL CORDS.
IS IT DANGEROUS?
NOT IF YOU ARE
AMONGST FRIENDS.
LOOK, THESE TWO
ARE FAST ASLEEP.
CAN WE NOT ABANDON
THIS FARCE
AND GO BACK
INTO THE CAFE?
NO, THE GERMANS
ARE HERE.
THE WILL BE
SUSPICIOUS IF WE DO NOT
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
BESIDES WHICH,
I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE
ALL THESE SANDWICHES.
COLONEL,
COME IN, SIT DOWN.
HOW HONORED WE ARE
TO HAVE YOU WITH US.
THIS IS THE FIRST
PEASANT WEDDING
WE'VE ATTENDED.
HOW ARE
THE BRIDE AND GROOM?
OH, LOOKING FORWARD
TO A GOOD BLOWOUT,
YOU KNOW.
( flatulence )
IT IS I, LECLERC.
RENE, WE MUST WARN YOU,
THERE'S BEEN A SERIOUS
DEVELOPMENT.
THE GENERAL HAS HIDDEN
A 500-LB BOMB
IN THE SEWER
UNDER YOUR CAFE.
YOU NO HAND-A BACK
THE AIRMEN,
YOUR CAFE,
HE GO POOF!
I WILL MENTION THIS
TO THE RESISTANCE
WHO, OF COURSE,
I DO NOT KNOW.
EDITH, THERE IS
A BOMB IN THE SEWER
UNDER THE CAFE.
THERE IS NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW.
- WHAT--
- QUICK.
YOU ARE THE BEST MAN.
START THE SPEECHES.
- WHAT SPEECHES?
- IT IS THE CUSTOM
THAT YOU AS BEST MAN
INTRODUCE THE FATHER
OF THE BRIDE.
THAT WILL BE
A GOOD TRICK.
HERE, I HAVE MADE
A FEW NOTES.
GET UP
AND SAY SOMETHING.
- WHAT?
- ( tapping )
AHEM, EH
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.
THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING.
I CANNOT INTRODUCE
THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE
ON THIS OCCASION
BECAUSE, UNFORTUNATELY,
HE LOST HIS LIFE
DURING THE STORMING
OF THE BASTILLE.
GOOD HEAVENS,
HOW OLD IS SHE?
I'M SORRY, I WILL
READ THAT AGAIN.
HE LOST HIS LIFE
IN A STORM OUTSIDE
THE BASTILLE.
BUT I AM SURE THAT
HIS HEART WOULD HAVE
BEEN WARMED TODAY
TO SEE
HIS ONLY DAUGHTER
IN BED WITH THE MAN
THAT SHE HAS CHOSEN
TO SPEND THE REST
OF HER LIFE WITH.
- ( both snoring )
- SO LET US
LET US WISH THEM
MANY WEEKS OF HAPPINESS.
I NOW CALL UPON
THE BRIDEGROOM.
WAKE HIM UP.
( gasps )
MARROWS? MARROWS?
WHO WILL BUY
MY VEGETABLE MARROWS?
- SHUT UP.
- YOU HAVE TO
MAKE A SPEECH.
- EH, WHAT?
- THANK THE BRIDESMAIDS.
WHY?
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?
SAY HOW BEAUTIFUL
THEY ARE.
HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY--
THAT ONE HAS
A MUSTACHE.
NEVER MIND.
CUT THE CAKE!
- OH.
- ( grunting )
- MONSIEUR.
- OH YES, THANK YOU.
RENE, I HAVE JUST
BEEN DOWN TO THE CELLAR
TO GET SOME WINE,
AND THERE WAS
A BIG BOMB DOWN THERE.
BUT THE COLONEL TOLD ME
IT WAS IN THE SEWER.
WELL, IT IS
IN THE CELLAR.
WE'LL COME AND INVESTIGATE
AS SOON AS THEY HAVE
CUT THE CAKE.
GIVE ME THE KNIFE.
FANNY, DO NOT CUT
TOO DEEP!
( gas hissing )
THE CYLINDERS
ARE LEAKING!
QUICK!
GET UNDER THE TABLE
AND TRY TO STOP IT!
UH
PLAY SOME MUSIC.
MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
THE WEDDING SONG.
OH, HOW THEY DANCED
ON THE NIGHT
THEY WERE WED
THEY DANCED
AND THEY DANCED
THOUGH THEY BOTH
WERE IN BED
THE NIGHT
WAS IN BLOOM
( high-pitched )
THERE WERE STARS
IN THE SKY
( high-pitched
singing continues )
ACCORDING TO YOUR MAP,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
ONE OF THE EXPLOSIVE DEVICES
SHOULD BE JUST ABOUT HERE.
I THINK I HAVE FOUND IT,
HERR FLICK!
MY MY,
WHAT A WHOPPER!
IT MUST WEIGH
HALF A TON!
IT IS
A MARK NINE MINE!
IT IS IN THE GESTAPO HANDBOOK
ON THE DIFFUSING OF EXPLOSIVES.
NOW
"BEHIND THE PANEL
IS THE DETONATOR.
TO MAKE THE MINE SAFE,
FIRST REMOVE
THE PANEL."
( ticking )
SOMETHING IS TICKING.
THERE'S SOME WRITING
ON THE BACK OF THE PANEL,
HERR FLICK.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"THE OPENING OF THIS DOOR
ACTIVATES THE TIMING MECHANISM.
DISCONNECTION PROCEDURE
MUST BE CARRIED OUT
FORTHWITH."
TURN TO THE CHAPTER HEADED
"DISCONNECTION PROCEDURE."
MARK NINE MINE--
AH!
HERE'S A MAP
OF THE CIRCUIT.
IT IS HEADED
"THREE-MINUTE FUSE."
DOES THIS MEAN
IT WILL EXPLODE IN
THREE MINUTES, HERR FLICK?
QUITE POSSIBLY.
YOU WILL FOLLOW THE
INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER.
YOU WILL ANNOUNCE
EACH MOVE THAT YOU MAKE
ON THIS MICROPHONE.
I WILL LISTEN TO YOU
AND TAKE NOTES FROM
MY POSITION IN THE STREET.
SHOULD YOU MAKE AN ERROR,
I WILL BE ABLE TO LEARN
FROM YOUR MISTAKE.
MY GOD! LOOK AT
THE SIZE OF IT!
IT IS A BIG ONE.
ONE HERE AND ONE
IN THE SEWER.
OH, THAT SETTLES IT.
THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
I AM GOING TO GIVE
THE AIRMEN UP.
- I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT, RENE.
- I WILL TELL THE COLONEL
WHERE HE CAN FIND THEM--
NO, IT MUST NEVER BE KNOWN
THAT YOU HAVE BETRAYED THEM.
IT WOULD TARNISH
YOUR REPUTATION AS
HERO OF THE RESISTANCE.
YOU MUST MAKE
AN ANONYMOUS TELEPHONE CALL.
YES, YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOU GO BACK TO THE WEDDING
BEFORE YOU ARE MISSED.
I WILL MAKE THE CALL.
GO OUT THE BACK WAY.
OH HELLO, CLAUDETTE.
GET ME THE OFFICE
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
WILL YOU?
UH, HELLO?
IS THAT THE OFFICE
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN?
EH, THIS IS
AN ANONYMOUS PEASANT.
PUT DOWN
THAT PHONE!
THIS IS AN ANONYMOUS PEASANT
WHO HAS GOT THE WRONG NUMBER.
- LOUISE!
- RENE.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I AM NOW IN CHARGE
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
ABBEYVILLE SUB-BRANCH,
ACTION DIVISION.
WE'VE HEARD OF A THREA
TO BLOW UP YOUR TOWN,
AND WE HAVE COME
TO SAVE YOU.
WILL YOU PUT
THAT GUN DOWN
FOR A START?
- OH, RENE!
- OH, LOUISE!
- OH, IT IS GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- ( both moaning )
OH, IT IS GOOD
TO FEEL YOUR STRONG CHEEK
AGAINST MY STRONG CHEEK.
OH, AND YOUR STRONG ARMS
AROUND MY STRONG ARMS.
RUN YOUR STRONG FINGERS
THROUGH MY STRONG HAIR.
I WOULD ASK YOU
TO DO THE SAME THING,
BUT THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE,
YOU WORE IT OUT.
OH, RENE, HOW WELL
I REMEMBER IT ALL.
OH, IT SEEMS
LIKE YESTERDAY.
FEEDING YOU
HAM SANDWICHES
IN THE WARDROBE.
- HIDING FROM THE GERMANS.
- AND THE WIFE.
RENE, WE HAVE HEARD THAT
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS GOING TO BLOW UP NOUVION.
- YEAH.
- WE HAVE A PLAN,
SO YOU NEED NOT WORRY.
I AM A LITTLE BIT
WORRIED.
THERE IS
A BOMB IN THE SEWER
UNDER THE CAFE
AND A 500-LB BOMB
IN THE CELLAR JUST
UNDER OUR FEET!
THE ONE IN THE CELLAR
WAS PUT THERE BY MY PEOPLE.
- WHAT ON EARTH FOR?
- I CANNOT TELL YOU,
BUT IT IS ALL PART
OF THE PLAN.
EXCUSE ME,
I MUST MAKE A PHONE CALL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M RINGING
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
TO DOUBLE MY COVERAGE.
DO THAT LATER.
GET THE COLONEL IN HERE!
Von Smallhausen:
I have removed the detonator
so it cannot set off
the main charge.
I will now render
the detonator harmless.
How much time
do I have?
- 25 SECONDS.
- Not very much,
Herr Flick.
IT IS SURPRISING HOW TIME
PASSES WHEN YOU ARE NOT
ENJOYING YOURSELF.
I WILL COUNT
FOR YOU.
16, 15, 14--
IT WOULD SEEM THAT
MY WATCH IS SLOW.
- IS HE COMING?
- YES, BUT LOOK, LOUISE,
I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY
YOU ARE INVOLVING ME
IN ALL THIS SKULLDUGGERY.
I AM JUST SIMPLE COWARD
WHO WISHES TO LEAD
A QUIET LIFE.
- ( footsteps )
- SHUT UP. I HEAR HIM COMING.
- RENE?
- COLONEL.
I'VE HAD A MESSAGE
THAT YOU REQUIRE
TO SEE ME URGENTLY.
HAVE YOU DECIDED TO TELL ME
THE WHEREABOUTS OF
THE BRITISH AIRMEN?
WELL, YES AND NO.
- PUT UP YOUR HANDS!
- AGH!
RENE!
YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!
WELL, IT WAS
AT GUNPOINT, COLONEL.
I DO NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
GET YOUR FAT HANDS
ABOVE YOUR BALD HEAD!
I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE,
BUT THEY ARE VERY RUDE!
- SOMEBODY IS COMING!
- HIDE HIDE HIDE.
- ( bell dings )
- QUICK! A LARGE COGNAC.
TWO!
TWO LARGE COGNACS.
- PUT UP YOUR HANDS!
- ( gasps )
TROUBLES NEVER
COME SINGLY!
SO, RENE ARTOIS,
YOU ARE REVEALED AT LAST
IN YOUR TRUE COLORS
AS A WORKER FOR THE RESISTANCE.
OH NO, HERR FLICK!
I WAS JUST GOING
ABOUT MY BUSINESS
WHEN ALL THESE GIRLS
BURST IN BRANDISHING GUNS.
THEN WHY ARE YOU NOT
HOLDING UP YOUR HANDS?
WELL, I'M GETTING
YOUR COGNAC.
I CANNOT GET YOUR COGNAC
WITH MY HANDS IN THE AIR.
ENOUGH OF ALL THIS.
GET THROUGH THAT DOOR.
- WHERE ARE
THEY TAKING US?
- TO THE CELLAR.
WELL, IF IT HAS ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE BLOWING UP
OF NOUVION,
IT WAS NOT MY IDEA!
YOU COME WITH US,
RENE.
( moans )
IT'S A REAL MYSTERY.
THE COLONEL SAID
HE WOULD ONLY BE
A COUPLE OF MINUTES,
THAT WAS AN HOUR AGO.
GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN
IS HERE.
OH DEAR,
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
YOU'D BETTER
SHOW HIM IN.
( yells )
GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER.
- Germans: HEIL HITLER.
HEIL MUSSOLINI!
THAT WILL BE
THE DAY.
GRUBER! HOW NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- WHERE'S THE COLONEL?
- HE IS MISSING.
- WELL, DIDN'T
HE KNOW I WAS HERE?
- YES, GENERAL.
WELL, HE SHOULD BE HERE.
I AM VERY IMPORTANT.
WELL, BETWEEN ME
AND YOU, HUBERT--
I HEAR DISTURBING THINGS
ABOUT KLINKERHOFFEN.
IS HE SERIOUS
IN HIS INTENTION
TO BLOW UP THE TOWN?
HE IS VERY EARNEST.
HE HAS-A BEEN-A
THIS WAY
SINCE THE BARNEY
ABOUT THE ESCAPE OF
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
HE SAID HE WOULD
DEPRESS THE PLUNGER
PERSONALLY.
OH DEAR ME, DEAR ME.
EVEN AT JUNIOR STAFF COLLEGE,
HE WAS A BIT OF A HOTHEAD.
WHENEVER WE HAD
A FANCY-DRESS BALL,
HE ALWAYS CAME DRESSED
AS ATTILA THE HUN.
WE ALWAYS USED TO GO DRESSED
AS NUNS AND SCHOOLGIRLS.
THOSE WERE THE DAYS,
WEREN'T THEY?
IN ITALIAN STAFF COLLEGE,
WE WENT DRESSED
AS THE MEN.
YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME
IN THAT HAT.
EXCUSE ME,
RENE ARTOIS IS OUTSIDE.
HE SAYS HE HAS NEWS
OF THE COLONEL.
HE SAID HE WAS BROUGHT HERE
AT GUNPOINT BY THE RESISTANCE
UNDER RATHER
TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WHO IS THIS RENE ARTOIS?
- A FRIENDLY PEASANT.
WELL, SHOW HIM IN.
( yells )
COME IN HERE!
YES, HE DOES LOOK
RATHER FRIENDLY.
HOW LONG HAS HE HAD
THE HERNIA?
RENE, YOU HAVE NEWS
OF THE COLONEL?
OH, IT IS TERRIBLE.
HE HAS BEEN ABDUCTED
BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE--
- WHO I DO NOT KNOW.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE?
WELL, THEY GAVE ME
THIS MESSAGE ON THEIR
HEADED NOTEPAPER.
- AHEM
- YES, SIR.
"COLONEL VON STROHM
IS BEING HELD AS A HOSTAGE
TOGETHER WITH HERR FLICK
AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN
OF THE GESTAPO.
THEY HAVE BEEN PLACED
NEXT TO A 500-LB BOMB.
IF YOU PROCEED WITH THE PLAN
TO BLOW UP THE TOWN,
THEY ALSO
WILL BE BLOWN UP.
YOURS FAITHFULLY"
THESE COMMUNISTS,
THEY STOP AT NOTHING,
HUH?
DID YOU RECOGNIZE
THEIR FACES?
OH, THEY WERE
ROUGH PEASANT WOMEN,
NOT OUR SORT AT ALL.
- WHERE HAVE
THEY TAKEN THEM?
- I DO NOT KNOW.
THEY DID NOT TELL ME ANYTHING
BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW THEM,
AND-AND WHAT IS MORE,
THEY BLINDFOLDED ME,
AND TOOK AWAY
MY TROUSERS.
THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WELL, THIS IS
PIGGY'S AREA.
I SIMPLY BETTER SEND FOR HIM
AND SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.
EXCUSE ME,
WHAT ABOUT THIS LOCK?
I COULD ALWAYS
SHOOT IT OFF, HMM?
I COULD TRY
MY KEYS.
I WILL--
I WILL SETTLE
FOR THE BULLET.
CAN ANYONE WRIGGLE
ANYTHING FREE?
NOTHING THAT WOULD BE
OF ANY USE TO US.
CAN YOU NOT RELEASE
THE SECRET GESTAPO
CUTTING TOOL
FROM THE FALSE HEEL
OF YOUR GESTAPO BOOT?
THEY'RE AT
THE MENDER'S.
THEY'LL BE BACK
ON THURSDAY.
THIS IS ALL
THE FAULT OF YOUR STUPID
PIGGY-FACED GENERAL!
NEXT TIME I SEE HIM
I WILL TELL HIM
WHAT YOU SAID.
SNEAK!
WITH MY KEEN EYE
I HAVE SPOTTED WIRES
RUNNING FROM THE CLOCK.
MY ANALYTICAL MIND
TELLS ME
THAT IF WE INTERFERE
WITH THE MOVEMENT
OF THE HAND,
WE WILL PREVENT
THE DETONATION.
I HAVE MANAGED
TO UNDO A KNOT!
I THINK I COULD
HOP OVER THERE.
WELL, GET ON
WITH IT!
IT'S NO GOOD.
I CANNOT REACH
HIGH ENOUGH.
STOP THE BIG HAND
WITH YOUR NOSE.
I HAVE TO STAND
ON TIPTOE.
IT'S NOT
VERY COMFORTABLE.
NEVER MIND.
IT'S ONLY FOR 24 HOURS.
( knock on door )
( both laugh )
( yells )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
HELLO, PIGGY.
VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN,
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO
MY HEADQUARTERS?
WE HEAR YOU'RE
HAVING A LITTLE RUN-IN
WITH THE RESISTANCE.
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
IF THEY DO NOT PRODUCE
THE AIRMEN,
I AM GOING TO PRESS
THIS PLUNGER,
WHICH WILL BLOW UP
THE TOWN!
ISN'T THAT
A LITTLE SEVERE?
MY PATIENCE HAS BEEN
TRIED TO THE LIMIT.
WE MUST SHOW
THESE FROGGY UPSTARTS
WHO ARE THE MASTERS!
WE MUST
TEACH THEM A LESSON
THEY WILL NOT FORGET.
GENERAL,
IN YOUR ABSENCE,
THE COLONEL
HAS BEEN ABDUCTED
AND IS
AT THIS VERY MOMEN
SITTING ON A BOMB
WITH HERR FLICK
AND HIS LITTLE ASSISTAN
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
THE RESISTANCE SENT US
A NOTE SAYING THAT IF YOU
PROCEED WITH YOUR PLAN,
THEY WILL EXPLODE
ALL THREE OF THEM.
WHAT IS THE LIFE
OF ONE COLONEL AND A COUPLE
OF GESTAPO OFFICERS
COMPARED TO KEEPING
LAW AND ORDER,
AND SUBJUGATING
THESE TERRORISTS THAT CALL
THEMSELVES RESISTANCE?
THE VICTORIOUS GERMAN ARMY
HAS SWEPT ACROSS EUROPE,
CRUSHING EVERYTHING
IN ITS PATH!
ARE WE TO ALLOW
THESE PEOPLE TO COCK
SNOOKS AT US?
AND IF THE PRICE
OF FINAL VICTORY
IS THE LIFE OF
A COLONEL AND A COUPLE OF
GESTAPO OFFICERS, SO BE IT!
YES.
PIGGY, OLD BOY,
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD A HOLIDAY?
BADEN-BADEN '38.
YOU WERE BOTH THERE!
WE WENT TO A FANCY-DRESS BALL
AT THE BATHS.
I WENT
AS ATTILA THE HUN!
GET ME
THE MILITARY HOSPITAL.
FRUITCAKE DEPARTMENT.
- AW
- THEY'RE STILL ASLEEP.
OH, LEAVE THEM THERE.
WE CAN TAKE THEM
UP TO THEIR ROOM LATER.
( groans )
OH, RENE,
I AM SO GLAD
YOU ARE SAFE.
- YES YES.
- DID YOU DELIVER THE NOTE?
YES YES, THEY HAVE IT.
NOW CAN I PLEASE HAVE
MY TROUSERS?
THEY WILL NOT BE
BLOWING UP THE TOWN
WHILE WE HAVE THE HOSTAGES.
THE AIRMEN MUST GO
AS SOON AS IT IS DARK.
- WHERE IS THE BASKET?
- OFFICER CRABTREE IS
SUPERVISING IT.
HERE IS THE BISCUIT.
WE'RE NOT GOING
BACK TO ENGLAND DRESSED
LIKE THIS, ARE WE?
HELMET AND GOGGLES
ARE IN THE BASKET.
GOOD.
HOW I WASH YOU AND I
COULD FLEW AWAY TOGETHER,
HIGH UP IN THE CLODS.
COULD WE NOT STEW AWAY
TOGETHER IN THE BISCUIT?
NO, WE WEE TOO MUCH.
WE HAVE
A BIT A PROBLEM.
THE MAIN VALVE IS LEAKING.
GAS IS LEAKING INTO THE BALLOON.
GO BACK
AND TIGHTEN IT.
HERE IS A WRENCH.
WHERE IS THE BALLAST
FOR THE BASKET?
- OH, THERE ARE
SANDBAGS OUTSIDE.
- GET THEM.
CAN THEY NOT GO NOW?
WHAT, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
OF COURSE NOT!
WE WILL HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL NIGHT FALLS.
DO YOU NOT REALIZE
THEY WILL START TO SEARCH
FOR THE COLONEL?
THIS PLACE COULD BE
CRAWLING WITH GERMANS
ANY MINUTE!
( flatulence )
( high-pitched )
CRIKEY, I HAVE BURST
THE VALVE!
THE BALLOON IS FILLING!
QUICK,
TIE THE ROPES
TO THE BASKET!
THERE IS NO BALLAST!
IT WILL NOT HOLD DOWN
THE BALLOON!
TIE THE ROPE
TO THE BED!
WE WILL LOSE
THE BALLOON!
( glass shattering )
Edith: RENE!
( women screaming )
THAT SHOULD HOLD IT.
( crowd clamoring )
OH MY GOD,
IT IS LIFTING THE BED!
HOLD TIGHT, MAMA!
ERNEST?
ERNEST, WAKE UP!
IT IS RISING.
IT IS RISING!
MARROWS! MARROWS!
WHO WILL BUY MY LOVELY
ALGERIAN MARROWS?
( screaming )
OH, RENE!
WE HAVE LOST
MY MOTHER!
DO NOT WORRY.
WE HAVE GAINED A BEDROOM.
WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING ME
INTO THIS BED FOR?
THERE'S NOTHING
THE MATTER WITH ME!
TAKE IT EASY,
OLD CHAP.
YOU'VE BEEN
OVERDOING IT.
THE NURSE HERE WILL GIVE YOU
A NICE LITTLE INJECTION,
AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
YOU'LL BE THE SAME OLD PIGGY
THAT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.
GO AWAY!
I DO NOT WANT
AN INJECTION!
I'M JUST AS SANE
AS YOU ARE!
OH, ON SECOND THOUGHT
NURSE, THE NEEDLE.
( theme music playing )