Ally Mcbeal s01e01 Episode Script


Here's a photo I've been looking for It's a picture of the boy next door I'm not sure how it all started.
Oh, it was because I smelled his bottom.
It wasn't that stupid.
Dogs did it.
That's how they knew for sure.
No, we didn't even smell anything.
It was the kiss.
It was too So I actually felt my whole body tingle.
Maybe it was when our tongues touched- No, no, it was that first kiss.
Which was so soft his lower lip barely touching my top lip That was magic.
The first time wasn't.
I pinched a nerve in my neck.
If we could've just stayed broken up But Ijust had to follow him to law school.
I didn't even want to be a lawyer.
I just Maybe I studied too hard.
No, no, it wasn't me, it was him.
He's the one who transferred to Michigan.
Just like that? I want to clerk when I get out.
If I don't make Review- You want me to leave Harvard, give up Law Review- Of course I don't expect it.
I wouldn't even ask it.
But Basically, you're putting your law career between us.
Well, I choose the law too.
But I choose Boston.
So here I am.
The victim of my own choices and I'm just starting.
I've been down this road Pilot Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Love and law are the same: Romantic in concept, but the actual practice gives you a yeast infection.
But I actually did like myjob.
Until one of the senior partners started to like me.
I thought it had to be my imagination.
I mean, please! It was never that obvious.
Till one night - Hey! Don't you ever do that again.
- I apologize.
I have Epstein's-Barr.
When I told Mr.
Lyne, he got fired.
He grabbed my buttocks.
- What? - You're fired.
- I'll sue! - And he did! He claimed OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder.
- His sickness was squeezing butts! - I had to touch them.
He filed under the FederaI Disabilities Act.
- What are you saying? - Because of attorney's fees punitive and possible treble damages that go with the suit The partners would rather be sued by you.
They got their wish.
I know the fool-for-a-client rule.
I hired independent counsel, filed a claim, went public.
He didn't care it was public.
To help bolster his OCD defense, he squeezed butts all over.
As strategy! To do it in the open, he must have OCD.
That was the thinking, anyway.
It's pretext.
He's mocking us.
I know! It's absurd.
This guy's a master litigator.
He knows how to manipulate facts.
We can't prove it's a pretext.
You don't want to prove it.
You'd rather lose me than him.
Tell me I'm wrong.
I quit.
I had to.
If I didn't have my dignity, I had to make it look like I did.
- Ally? - Oh, no.
- I haven't seen you in forever! - Richard! How are you? - Outstanding! You look fabulous.
- I just got fired for it.
You what? Richard and I were classmates.
We weren't close.
This is perfect.
I just started my own practice.
Join us today.
Excuse me? We're up the street.
A great loft.
Working for you? With your philosophy of law? Piles and piles of money.
If I help somebody, great.
But mainly I'm in this for the piles, the big piles.
And what would I start at? I go to law school because I was in love with a guy.
He left me for Law Review.
Now I'm hired by somebody who started his own firm for the piles? John Cage is out getting his frown lines Botoxed.
Makes rain when he sleeps.
Look at this office, it's avant rich.
It stinks of money.
Here's your office.
This is Elaine, your assistant.
I stocked your office supplies and I'll program your speed diaI.
Would you like a voice-activated dictaphone? It's in the budget.
You don't have to decide now.
Here's the Man Made file.
- I filed your appearance.
- Pardon me? The best way to get wet is jump right in.
Second session.
We represent Man Made magazine.
Guy seeks prior restraint.
Judge Hopkins is sitting.
He's tough but fair.
Not big on pantsuits for women.
This'll be fine.
Hemline's a bit high, but who am I to notice? Billy, I want you to meet someone.
Ally McBeal, Billy Thomas.
He was at Harvard with us first year.
We know each other.
You do? Oh, my God! I feel so stupid.
You two She's working here? Is that a problem? No, it's not to me.
Is it to you? Me? No.
- It's fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
I have to go to the bathroom.
It's this way.
This is not a big deal.
It's okay.
It's not a tragedy.
Just a funny bounce of the ball, that's all.
Ally? Richard! I'm in the bathroom! Unisex studies show it helps men and women breed familiarity.
So long as they don't come in to breed.
Seriously, will working with Billy be a problem? Because if it is, I can't do anything about it.
- I'd be happy to sympathize.
- Before we get to that if you don't object, I have this lawsuit against Jack Billings.
- I have a deposition- - Say no more.
Do it from here.
We'll be happy to lead.
So who's your best litigator? Oh, that would be Billy.
That would figure.
- Who's second-best? - Ally.
Do you want to give this to Billings? I sense you'd like to grind up his head and feed it through his intestines.
- Something like that.
- Then go with Billy.
He's your man.
Go with Billy.
He's my man.
It'll kill you to get up early.
- I don't have to get up earlier.
Working with Billy.
Hair and makeup, extra half-hour.
I stopped caring about him three years ago.
That's why you wish your breasts were bigger.
Out, out, out! I do wish my breasts were bigger.
Not huge, but less small.
They could I'd look good less small.
There's no precedent to enjoin an autobiographicaI article.
- But a minister and a nun? - I color-coded the pleadings.
I know the clerk in second session, so I put in a good word.
I think by telling me what's been done Elaine wants me to know she's the one doing it.
People like this I imagine their heads growing when they speak.
It could be me.
your initials on a few things before you leave.
Remember your article on federaI and state taxation? I'm still trying to sell the movie rights.
We're having a meeting with Air NationaI counseI.
You might be of help.
This is a very big opportunity.
What does he want me to do? I know how he lands clients.
We will take care of this.
He either drools with sympathy, makes them feel heard.
Or promises whatever to get even with somebody.
I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law.
The law sucks.
It's boring, but it can be used as a weapon.
You want to bankrupt somebody of everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even cause his kids to cry? We can do that.
They must leave that meeting believing they'll pay less taxes, reduced, not as much, diminished, abated, less than, lower.
I'm nothing if not redundant.
I also repeat myself.
Hey, Billy.
Coffee? Um Sure.
Richard asked me to cover your deposition.
It's a stupid case, I know.
- Want to get him? - I do.
You're okay with me handling it? Sure.
So many times I almost called you- You won't have to think about that now.
We'll pass each other in the hallway.
So, last I heard, you were clerking for Souter.
Then I took a job with Steptoe.
When Richard started this place, it was too tempting to pass up.
- You know Richard.
- Yeah.
So, you seeing anybody? Actually I'm married.
How wonderfuI.
Does that change your feelings about working here? - Do you have kids? - No.
I'm sorry, you know if it hurts.
I know it'd be hard for me the other way around.
Thank you, but you really don't have to worry.
I'm fine.
I'm actually glad you're here.
Really? Not as an ex-boyfriend.
As a lawyer who appreciates a talented addition to the firm.
As a lawyer, I guess I better get down to court.
I have to go get wet.
See you around.
Men are like gum.
After you chew, they lose flavor.
I'm glad he's married.
I don't ever have to think about him.
I should be happy.
I am happy.
I feel good.
- Sorry.
- Hey! No! You're not sorry.
You didn't even look to see who you bumped into.
What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen, broken a hip.
I could be in an HMO, my lungs filling with phlegm on life support, draining my family's inheritance while I asphyxiate on my dry mucus.
Don't say you're sorry when you're not.
You with him? That probably wasn't normal behavior.
Case number 60320.
Reverend Kessler versus Man Made Magazine.
- Henry Thorton for the petitioner.
- Ally McBeaI for the defendant.
Reverend Kessler requests this court issue an injunction I always get nervous walking in, but when I take my feet, I'm fine.
My father's a lawyer.
I spent a lot of time watching him in court.
Listening to him.
Studying him.
disregard for the truth.
He's asking for censorship.
There's no other word for it.
My client, an Episcopalian minister, is depicted as a sex-crazed pervert.
A byproduct of living in a country with a free press- - Stop! - Uh-oh.
I won't have you here, saluting the flag.
This piece of filth has nothing to do with democracy.
Can you quantify filth? The Supreme Court hasn't been able to.
Did your client verify the nun's version of events? He cares about the facts.
Did you get the minister's account? No.
I'm shocked.
McBeaI, as a matter of law, you're 100 percent correct.
The magazine has every right to publish the article.
I'm enjoining them from doing so anyway.
- What? - Go to Appeals.
You'll no doubt get it overturned.
It'll cost some time and money.
And that's what this is really about, isn't it? Money.
Let's see how bad you want it.
Motion for injunction granted.
I had the Founding Fathers, the Constitution, public policy.
And the case couldn't be lost and I lost it.
And Billy's married.
I won't pretend.
I'm shocked.
I argued well.
The judge had an agenda contrary to law.
I filed the appeaI and brought up all our First Amendment briefs to head-start you on your memo.
I also clipped the pages on prior restraint.
Thank you, Elaine.
You had the Constitution on your side.
It serves no purpose to second-guess.
I'm sure Ally did her best.
- Don't stick up for me! - Excuse me? - I don't need you sticking up for me! - I'm not! We got a big meeting with counseI tomorrow on this rebate case.
Let's focus on that.
Can you brush up on your tax law? I'll be brushed.
Whatever you need.
What the hell was that back there? Obviously our breakup has left you with some residuaI feelings.
Angry feelings.
No, actually, Billy, the residuaI feeling was hope.
And that's why I I'm fine, Billy.
I just have a slight problem adjusting to change.
Here you are! - Georgia.
- You ready? Hi, uh Yeah.
This is Ally McBeaI.
Ally, my wife, Georgia.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- It's a pleasure.
Georgia works at Goodwin.
We met in law schooI.
She was my editor.
- You're a lawyer? - Don't ask me why.
We should go.
We have reservations at 7.
- I just need two seconds.
- Okay, I'll hold the elevator.
- Nice meeting you, Ally.
- You too.
She, uh, she seems nice.
This is a memo outlining the tax analysis done on Air NationaI.
Ally, look We've known each other too well to pretend that You were hoping she was fat.
And stupid.
Maybe missing a couple of teeth.
- I should go.
- Wait.
You've got to give me something more.
You can't leave me like that.
All right.
She snores.
And the roots aren't quite so blond, okay? No, no.
Something more.
I need one more thing.
Left little toe? Bunion.
Thank you.
When I'm depressed, Renee makes me go dancing, I guess to cheer me up.
Look at this guy.
If he did that in a hospital, they'd sedate him.
I'm pretty good at not laughing.
Renee is less good.
The dancing twins.
We love them.
If you don't get Billings, he'll do this to other women.
Face it.
I'm a little girI playing in an old boys' club.
All the more reason not to back down.
If I could prove they influenced that judge I'd file criminaI charges myself.
Georgia! Long time.
- I'm so sorry to intrude.
- No, no.
That's okay.
Come on in.
This is Renee, my roommate.
This is Georgia Thomas.
- Hi.
- It's good to meet you.
Could I speak to you in private? Sure.
I feeI so stupid for coming here.
If Billy even knew He said you went on a few dates in high schooI.
Um Yeah.
Yeah, we were buds.
A few dates! Reading between the lines I think you might still harbor feelings toward Billy.
That makes me uncomfortable.
I feeI embarrassed even to be saying this but my policy is just to be truthfuI about things.
Well, I have no such policy.
That was a joke.
I'm not You don't have to worry.
Nothing will happen between- You do.
Still have feelings.
Oh Listen.
It was more than a few dates.
We were More.
We were exclusive in high schooI.
Then again at Harvard.
You two were in love? We were involved.
So I I suppose that you you know made love.
Billy is an honest guy, we know that.
He downplayed our past because he knew you'd be uncomfortable.
It really is the past.
Isn't this something you should hear from him? Yeah.
I just In your office today, I picked up a vibe I've never felt before.
I'm so embarrassed to be acting That's just a memento.
I'm sorry, but I really hate you.
I'm ashamed to admit it- No.
No, it's okay, because I really hate you too.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're not just saying it? - No.
The partners aren't casting any negative assumptions.
Losing is something that happens to everyone.
I reminded them it's difficult when people change jobs.
- I only lost one motion, Elaine.
- That's what I told them.
- You ready? - For what? The depo.
Jack Billings.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Do you want this to be about discovery or retaliation? - I can take it either way.
- Fine! Whatever! Let's go.
I'm trying to get information on her cycle.
Less taxes, Billy.
Not as much, reduced, deminimus.
Excuse me.
I understand you're representing yourself? Whether or not you understand it is anybody's guess.
Sir when were you aware you suffered from a compulsive disorder? Right around the time she sued me.
I think it was just after.
I was jarred by the implications of what I'd done.
Seeing it in print, I sought professionaI help.
And my doctors, of which there are many, diagnosed me.
It still hurts.
Can we go off the record? Certainly.
It would allow me to compose myself.
We're off.
- You having fun? - I'm having a ball.
Do I look intimidated? You look like a young squirt trying not to look intimidated.
- I'm impressed.
- I get even better.
I'd hope.
You can't win with the facts.
So I grabbed her.
Where's the harm? She doesn't look emotionally wrought.
The job she has now pays her more money.
You can't just sue somebody for being wronged.
You have to show damages.
Don't they teach that these days? I was taught very well, Jack.
Oh, big Supreme Court clerk.
I'll assume you're blinded by the fact that you slept with your client and that this isn't a reflection of your talent.
Shall we go back on the record? Let's.
Back on.
Let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig.
That wasn't helpfuI.
I couldn't sit there and let him ooze.
You should have sat quiet.
He'll say your claim's retaliatory.
You gave him a sound bite.
Sometimes you have to prove you'll fight.
A lawyer's at his best when he's dispassionate.
Then I'm in good hands.
- I beg your pardon? - Forget it! - What did you mean? - You have a gift for dispassion.
Not to mention downplaying, "Mr.
a couple of dates in high schooI"! Georgia told me what you said.
- I didn't say a couple of dates.
- You did! Maybe she heard "a couple of dates.
" - "We dated"? - What should I have said? The truth! - The truth? - The truth.
That you loved me.
You loved me.
That's the truth.
So much that sometimes when we were apart, we kept an open phone line so while sleeping I could listen to you breathe.
Is that what I should've told Georgia? I'll wash my hands later.
I looked under the doors.
Your feet were up! I've got a disc problem.
My chiropractor has me sit that way.
Lucky it was me, not somebody interested in other people's lives.
The National Law Journal's doing a piece on First Amendment erosion.
They heard about your big loss.
- Will you give them a quote? - Can I give it to you? - About that airline case- - I can't do that meeting! I have a problem in conference room meetings and meeting with clients.
What's this I'm hearing about a problem? I get insecure.
I don't know.
Whenever I'm in a conference room meeting, I just shrink.
I feeI like clients look at me like a little girI.
I feeI puny.
You're there as estrogen.
Their lead counseI's a woman.
She bats from the other side.
The guy's a wolf.
I hoped you'd flirt with them both.
- I beg your pardon? - Teamwork is what makes us.
You can't do this to me! - Do what? - Do what? Bring me here to work next to him.
Argue cases when the judge is biased against me.
Put me in a room to smile at lesbians? It's too much! I guess I'll drown In my own tears - It's stupid for me to work there.
- So leave.
That would make me look weak.
I know there was something speciaI between you two.
I'm going to say this for your own good.
He's a nice guy.
Cute bangs.
You two were like Barbie and Ken.
He's a wimp.
He's not a wimp.
In five years, he's a boring lawyer looking at his stock portfolio, playing golf with nothing for you at the end of the day but a limp little piece of fettuccine.
You can do better.
So stop being in love with him.
- DeaI? - DeaI.
Here without you Today will be a less bad day.
I feel it.
Sometimes I wake up knowing everything will be less bad.
There's no obscenity here.
This ruling not only has no basis in law, it violates it.
- You know what my problem is? - The comb-over? Magazines print the outrageous, move their product.
If their story's corrected that happens on page 42, months later, in a footnote.
A libeI claim's about money.
It can't restore reputation.
Would the reverend truly have a legaI remedy? - This magazine represents democracy.
They sell sex.
It may contain vulgar materiaI.
So does Vanity Fair, Esquire, Vogue.
More sex.
If this court's to be the guardian of content absent libeI or obscenity, then have the integrity and honesty to admit your ruling abolishes the notion of free press in America.
Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
What's going on? - This is private, Ally.
- No, Richard.
What's going on? I offered to double his salary if he works here.
Coming up with that OCD defense, being so brazen.
He sort of represents everything I stand for.
In time, you'll agree.
In time? Are you serious? He's a lawyer you hate on the other side - but on your side- - I quit.
You can't quit two firms in one week.
Reeks on the résumé.
- Let's all just work this out.
- I can forgive.
- You expect me- - You won't go near her buttocks - even during holidays? - I promise.
Are you on drugs? You realize the hook you're putting yourself on? You and the firm are liable if he does it again.
- He says he won't! - He can't help it.
It's a sickness.
I assume he made the OCD thing up.
Didn't you? - Completely.
You didn't hear that.
- I didn't have to.
I got it here on tape.
Employment offer's revoked.
The lawsuit continues with this lovely admission.
It's not just winning.
Winning ugly matters.
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything, Jack? It actually worked.
He'll have to settle.
Maybe we'll get those new drapes.
Where are you? I'm starved.
- I'm on the elevator.
- Okay.
- Georgia Thomas is in your office.
- Thank you, Elaine.
Did you have to tell him I came to your apartment? Well, I I told him in an upbeat way.
Look, it was wrong for me to come.
AII I was trying to say was I was admitting a difficulty, you working here.
It'll get easier with time.
How much time, do you think? I don't care.
Nothing's private for me.
Your lunch date's arrived.
I hope you're not here to be nice again.
- Georgia, you remember Renee? - Yes, hi.
I know what you're up to.
You think a friendship with Ally will be a prophylactic to stop her hokey-pokeying with Billy? - Pardon me? - What's going on? Sounds good.
- Tell him! - You seem to have it all figured out.
Georgia's upset that Ally told Billy she showed up at her apartment.
Ally's upset Billy denied their past.
Renee's angry that Georgia's friendly with Ally as a prophylactic.
I haven't sussed it all out.
- What's this? - Now Billy's- - Quiet! Look.
PersonaI stuff.
Let's take lunch breaks, keep it in perspective.
There will be clients in our conference room.
We all need to remember, "Less taxes.
Not as much, less than.
Less-" - Taxes.
- Taxes.
- I'm sorry.
- Right.
- What? - Bygones.
You can have it in any jurisdiction.
So why choose to bring it in a state known as "Taxachusetts"? I say we exploit that mindset.
Massachusetts, particularly Boston is sensitive to being labeled the "Tax CapitaI of the Country.
" This state proposed taxing professionaI athletes pro rata.
- Why does he have to be so cute? - They still feeI the backlash.
Even assuming the state wants to change its image, we owe the taxes.
We need something more than "It's too much.
" We could argue selective enforcement.
Say it's tantamount to discrimination.
Discrimination? The IRS goes after the airlines due to the money involved.
It's not random.
The airline industry's singled out.
That's de facto discrimination.
Yes! You were both fantastic.
I mean it, fantastic! Speaking as an attorney, I didn't follow anything you said.
That doesn't matter, because they did.
That matters because they pay the bills.
Here is to a very big account.
As we have the glasses out, we should toast our new associate who won her case before the Appeals Court and helped land the client we're celebrating having landed.
To Ally.
To Ally.
I gotta go.
This isn't going to work, is it? Um You could be right.
- Maybe you should leave.
- Me? - I like this firm.
- So do I! I came from Michigan- If you hadn't gone to Michigan in the first place So, I still love you.
I'm not afraid to admit it.
I still love you, but I love the woman I married.
I'm not looking to go down that road again.
I'm just admitting a difficulty.
It'll get easier in time.
How much time, do you think? I, um I have some work I gotta do.
Well, see you tomorrow? Yep.
Good night.
I have my health.
I have my health.
I have my health.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Tough day? Well Tough first week, I guess.
It's none of my business but I think I'm entitled to be avuncular now and then.
You can't bank on it.
It's an unsafe bridge.
The only thing you can really take to the bank: money.
Make enough money, everything else will follow.
Quote me.
It's a Fishism.
Got it.
Here's a photo I've been looking for It's a picture of the boy next door And I loved him More than words could say Never knew it till he moved away Faded pictures in my scrapbook Just thought I'd take one more look And recall when we were all In the neighborhood The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content.
Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search.
That's the fun.
The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.
What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
You stinker!
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