Ally Mcbeal s01e03 Episode Script

The Kiss

- This is the pair.
- You think? Absolutely.
They're tight enough to give you form, but don't flatten.
You see how it both lifts and rounds? You got some room in the thighs.
Oh, yes.
This is the pair.
I'm blinded.
What's going on? Ally has her first date with Cheanie.
And this is how you practice? That's great.
I'm deciding what to wear.
What? I came in because I could smell the denim.
All that from one pair? - That's why.
- Denim doesn't smell.
Suit yourself.
What are you doing? Richard said denim smells.
It doesn't, does it? No.
No, it doesn't.
We knew that.
- We were just- - Double-checking? - Did you want something? - Yes, actually.
I want you.
I represent Barbara Cooker, the anchorwoman.
Heard about it? - You're representing her? - Trial starts tomorrow.
You are trying that case? She's a pretty good litigator.
Her firm thinks it helps to have a woman do the sex-discrimination cases.
I hear.
- I want you as my co-counsel.
- Me? - Her? - What? - Nothing.
- Why me? Because the lawyer defending the station is Jack Billings.
The Jack Billings? Hey! I think your being at my table might distract him a bit.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Really? Come on.
Don't you want to get this guy? The press will be covering it.
You can get even in public.
- Oh, I would love that.
- How is the case? The case is great.
We have an interoffice memo saying she should be fired for looking too old.
I don't know why it's going to trial.
You two, co-counsel? Jackie-boy loses focus when it turns into sport.
And my being at the table, I think it could work.
It's just that I have concerns about the match here.
I realize you share similar DNA, but it's Billy's.
Georgia and I are adults, we're attorneys and we're friends.
We'll be able to work together whether you can picture it or not.
I see the picture perfectly.
I've been down this road The Kiss Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine the light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah You don't jump in the day before trial.
- I'm second-chairing.
- So.
When you walk into a courtroom, you should be ready.
- I don't see a problem.
- Richard.
You oppose me working with your first wife.
- I beg your pardon.
- Bygones.
My first wife? A joke.
Do it.
Renee: It has nothing to do with Billy.
Unless you're doing it because of him, which would be a problem.
- Billy isn't a factor.
- There you go.
- Would it be bad to cancel my date? - Tonight's date? I have a trial in the morning, and I don't know Oh, God.
Reschedule, he'll understand.
I can't until he calls me.
It would be rude to cancel on such short notice.
Why can't you call him? I can't call him.
Rule number 5: To call is to pursue, which makes you look too interested.
And then he desires you less.
It's all in the book.
The Rules.
You read this? These are the Cooker pleadings.
So you're not gonna call and cancel because you'll look too interested? - That book really works.
- I bet you use it.
- And men drip off of me.
- "Don't talk to a man first.
Don't meet him halfway.
Don't see him more than once.
" It's not getting dates, it's getting a husband.
- Elaine.
- I don't see husbands dripping off you.
If I wanted one, I could just snap my fingers.
That'd be against your Rules.
You'd be the pursuer.
- Correct.
- All right! Thank you, Elaine.
I see where you get your snappishness.
- What is this? - I'm scared.
Okay? First dates scare me.
You've already kissed him! It wasn't a real kiss.
It was more like a demonstration.
I didn't even have to do any kissing back.
You're right.
He'll consider it a kiss.
He'll figure on doing it again.
But this is our first date, and you shouldn't kiss on the first date.
You really like this guy.
I don't know.
Just go out for drinks at the bar.
You'll see some friends.
That'll help dilute the pressure.
- I could be there perhaps.
- Would you? If you want, Ally.
But this I know she's right.
When I make a fool of myself, I feel better blaming it on the research.
The memo came from a lower-level executive.
- You can make that defense at trial.
- Would you let me finish my thoughts? I didn't know you saw them to conclusion.
Georgia's pretty good.
There's so many reasons to hate her.
The memo is a bomb.
If it's admitted as evidence, my client won't have a fair trial.
The memo says what happened.
She was fired because of her looks.
If you could show it's a factor, I'd admit it.
A jury won't make the distinction.
They'll see the smoke and decide.
I understand your displeasure.
But as bombs go, this one is more relevant.
- Also more prejudicial.
- Motion denied.
See you all tomorrow.
- So the memo is in? - They'll offer something now.
It's good to see you again.
Thank you.
I'll dream of you tonight.
Sue me in advance.
That's very funny, Jack, because I had a feeling we might get together and that's where it took place.
In your dreams.
Is this normal? Ally's job is to keep him on tilt.
I'm so in love with you The first dance is critical.
I never start off close.
It gives me no place to go.
A dance is basically foreplay.
First, there's the smile, then the laugh The right laugh makes a man feel interesting and funny.
That's what guys love most in women.
Somebody who makes them feel engaging.
I'm not listening to him, and he's not hearing anything I say.
He's got two questions: "Does she like me?" and "Will my mother like her?" Mothers love me.
He is cute.
This is the part where you hold his eyes look right at him, give him a sense ofprogress I'll nestle in now and let him smell me.
Little smile, little sniff.
It's so easy.
I realize 40 is ancient, but it's a cost thing.
They put more makeup on her.
The overtime adds up.
She's good-looking.
Maybe it's a cost thing.
- Why are you talking so fast? - Me? Really? - I don't know.
Why? - You seem a little nervous.
I do get nervous at the end of dates, because Make up something.
Lie! The word "end" reminds me of the word "beginning.
" Word association.
And "beginning" reminds me of how the Earth began.
That reminds me of flunking a test because I wrote, "big bang," and the teacher was religious.
And that's why I talk fast.
You gotta call it a night if you have trial tomorrow.
I'll give him a little kiss.
Nothing slutty.
Is the case's publicity making you nervous? I'm nervous about what you'll do.
- A little.
- Well, I had a really great time.
Me too.
- Okay.
Good night.
- Night.
Finally! Oh, no, you'll be deceived Is it in his eyes? Oh, no, he'll make believe If you want to know If he loves you so It's in his kiss What was that? - Thanks.
- Sure.
He pecked me? I laughed, we danced close I let him sniff.
He pecks me? How does Jell-O help? I don't know, it just does.
Don't ask me to reduce it to a science.
You could've kissed him.
It would've broken the rules but here's a flash: Some guys are shy.
I let him smell me.
Maybe he didn't want to seem too interested.
Maybe there's stupid Rules for men.
The problem with playing games is that someone loses.
I really hope he calls me so I can hang up on him.
- You had a great date.
- I don't care.
He kissed me before.
Most men would've asked to sleep with me.
But no, what he did was rude! - Sleep with you? - Well, I wouldn't have said yes.
What, he can't be a man and just paw me a little? I am a sexual object.
- How long have you anchored at WKZN? - Eleven years.
And during that time, you've received various awards? Seven local news Emmys a Peabody Award But this isn't about job performance.
I showed you this interoffice memo dated March 3rd.
Who is the author on the document? George Micklehead, the station superintendent.
Would you please read the highlighted part? The number is only slightly higher for the 18 to 45 group.
The only men who get a rise out of her aren't capable of rising.
" How does this make you feel? It hurts.
Is it wrong to make a personnel decision based on looks? It's wrong to fire someone because they look too old.
Suppose I'm a producer casting a movie and I needed a young 30-ish sexy lady? We're talking about the news, not a movie.
You predicate your position on the premise news and entertainment are two different things? The decisions that go into news have nothing to do with entertainment? I didn't say that.
Well, say it if you believe it.
The news has been perverted by the need to get ratings.
"If it bleeds, it leads.
" We've all heard that.
And sex.
The news loves to sell sex.
Isn't that true, Ms.
Cooker? - Should we object? - She can handle herself.
News shows do need to be exotic and even sexy.
It always helps to have a pretty face up there.
But it's not right to fire a person with great performance just because her face begins to show a wrinkle or two.
What if you interviewed and they said, "We're looking for someone younger"? - Would that be okay? - Yes.
So they can hire but not fire based on youth? - Yes.
- Where's the distinction? If someone already has a job and they're doing it well you shouldn't be able to fire them because of age.
That's ageism.
Here's a picture of you when they hired you.
Isn't it possible that part of the criteria was this pretty face? Couldn't that have been what they were looking for? The woman you replaced was older, wasn't she? Good looks and youth cut in your favor 15 years ago.
- Didn't they? - That doesn't make it right.
You didn't object then.
In fact, you participated in the ageism by taking the job.
And here you sit today.
Isn't that wretched hypocrisy? Objection! Let the record reflect that the size 4s objected.
- I wonder how they got their jobs.
- Objection! - I still can't believe it.
- It was vintage Billings.
He argued age discrimination.
- I'd put her back up there.
- Don't worry.
- If that's him, I'm not home.
- I'm not gonna lie.
- I'm not here.
- Pizza's here.
- You want him.
- I don't.
- Who? - Cheanie.
The guy's totally gay.
I knew you were there.
You don't return my calls because you think I'm gay? No! It's this trial and I'm I came here to get the truth.
- Just kiss her.
- Renee! She's a jokester.
That must be why we're all laughing.
Ronny, I'm sorry.
I'm in the mid- Could we talk tomorrow? Just be patient and I'll explain everything.
Tomorrow? Why not now? Please? Tomorrow? I'm in trial.
- Please, tomorrow.
- Okay.
Why did you do that? It was your typical mating dance where you always wind up mateless.
What mating dance? You know, the: "I really don't have time now.
It's complicated.
I really just can't go into it.
It's just, it's just What's the word? I'm alone.
That's it.
I'm alone.
Nobody else is in the room.
I'm all by myself.
I'm in the kitchen now.
Hello, pot.
Hello, pan.
" Alone.
It was stupid to try to date and litigate in the same week.
Cheanie will side with our case, and I'll get asked out by the jury.
I do recognize the cosmetic reality of television news.
Then why shouldn't the station be allowed to make a cosmetic change? It's wrong if it's based solely on cosmetics.
I had a deal with them.
A contract.
And they are willing to honor the financial terms of it.
Paying me off to walk away isn't honoring the terms.
It's not honor.
I turned away offers from competitors who sought to steal me away because I had a fiduciary relationship with this station and these people.
I had a duty of good faith.
I honored it.
"Honor, good faith, fiduciary.
" Do these words have meaning in TV news? I think they do and should.
These are things a court should enforce? Good faith is a component of every contract.
So we say, but let's take the contract to its most organic, to marriage.
The court won't go near enforcing fidelity or good faith in marriage.
- Objection.
It's not a domestic case.
- Come on.
This plaintiff is asking the court to enforce fidelity in TV news? You seem to have gotten off the beaten path.
I'm not so sure, Your Honor.
- Are you married? - Objection.
Short leash, counsel.
- Ms.
Cooker, married? - Divorced.
I'm on a short leash, so I'll cut to it.
Your husband left you for a younger woman, right? - Yes.
- And that hurt, didn't it? - Objection.
- Sustained.
Cooker, is it possible that this suit against my client being replaced by a younger woman has more to do with your husband? No.
That's not true.
Dumped by a younger model once, won't let it be twice.
- Objection.
- Speaking of younger models Objection! How was court today? Sucked.
Is there anyone in there who'll jump out at me? I have some thoughts on why Cheanie may not have wanted to kiss you.
I'm losing cases that can't be lost.
I'm losing it.
We have to hope the jury hates Jack Billings as much as we do.
- Where is Barbara? - She's in the unisex.
I think she's a little upset.
They'll put their people up, and I'll get them.
Now it's our turn.
Is she in, Elaine? Yeah, she is, but may I just say something before you go in? I suppose.
Ally is an important friend of mine.
Interest is one thing.
If all you want is cheap thrills you'll have to go through me.
I can appreciate that.
I was just about to tell you- Now is not a good time.
It'll just take two seconds.
- There are people in my office.
- I don't know what's going on.
If you called today, I was gonna return.
Well, that's very nice to know but I need to say this in person.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, okay? I was just being stupid and insecure because since you didn't kiss me the other night I got insecure, and I thought maybe you didn't want to see me anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, okay.
So can we wipe it clean? No.
Actually, I think your instincts were, were correct.
- He is gay.
- Back off, Elaine.
What do you mean my instincts were correct? I don't think I should see you anymore.
What? I don't think we're gonna work out.
Probably, that's best.
I said it would just take a second.
- Goodbye, I guess.
- Yeah, bye.
Billy, hello.
- What's wrong? - What? Nothing.
Ally, what's the matter? Ronald Cheanie.
- He dumped me.
- Damn it! He's leaving the whole firm, or just you? Out! - Let me say in times like these - Now! Maybe I can still catch him.
- Are you okay? - Why don't men like me? Are you crazy? Men love you.
- They go nuts for you.
- Until they get to know me.
I got to know you, Ally, and I fell in love with you.
Remember? Yeah.
And you left, remember? Trust me.
Knowing you is not a deterrent to loving you.
Okay? Sometimes I just All I ever wanted was to be rich, successful and have three kids and a husband who'd tickle my feet at night.
Look at me.
Look at how I've- I don't even like my hair.
Today, sadly, when we look for an anchorperson we probably shop more for a model than a journalist.
- Is there a reason for this trend? - The public.
- Could you explain? - It's not a patriotic thing to say - You can say it, sir.
- We're a stupid country.
- America? - Land of idiots.
The viewer's attention span is that of a gnat.
Hong Kong becomes a free nation, if we give it more than a minute women flip to see whether Madonna has bleached her roots.
And men, sports, homicides, sex crimes - Anybody follow O.
? - That sounds pretty cynical, sir.
It doesn't make me feel happy.
That woman there.
The finest TV journalist I've ever worked with.
Not enough buzz on the Internet about wanting to see her naked.
I got so frustrated, I sent a proposal to our board of directors suggesting that we lose anchors altogether and replace them with talking breasts.
The proposal was voted down - But you're not like that.
- No, I'm not.
You know better than the rest.
I know for a fix of profundity not to watch Jerry Springer.
But you're the one who fired Barbara Cooker.
We're a consumer business.
If the people don't watch, we're out of that business.
That sounds so logical I'm tempted to give up.
- I've been tempted to give up myself.
- Yes, poor you.
- All right.
- You mentioned Jerry Springer.
People watch him.
Why not him as an anchor? I have disc problems in my back, I can only stoop to a certain level.
Jerry Springer would be a stoop? Not if we had transvestites kissing midgets to make their mothers jealous.
If you want a modicum of integrity If the people wanted to see what you described, you do draw lines.
- Yes.
- But you chose not to about ageism.
And if the public let you know they didn't want a black anchor - the customer wins? - I'm not a bigot.
- Ageism is bigotry.
- Maybe.
It's unconscionable to prefer a race or skin color.
It isn't to want a prettier or younger face.
So now you're defending the public.
No, no.
The "idiots.
" No, I'm not.
What I'm saying, though not me I can see how others may want beauty on the screen.
As a pragmatic person who has to keep a show in business sometimes I have to compromise to public whim.
- You've made a big compromise.
- Creatively, yes.
She served you for 15 years, turned down more lucrative offers only to be fired.
She also made a very big compromise, didn't she? It's a cruel world.
But it's the real world.
I object to people who do something scummy and blame the environment.
That's not an objection I can rule on, but you've made your point.
You were great! You got us right back in the game.
- You think? - I know.
The jury doesn't like him.
Still looking well.
Don't be smug, Jackie.
She just scored and you know it.
The jury likes her.
You, they'd like to get with a meat hook.
I'd put up some serious money, fast.
The tables are turning.
- You should close.
- What? The jury likes you.
You definitely go in with more momentum than me.
When I'm strong in court, I feel strong.
I take advantage of my strong periods.
I can do certain things I wouldn't ordinarily have the strength for.
Yes, Ronald Cheanie, please.
Interrupt him.
Tell him it's Ally McBeal.
Big fan of the truth, not gonna walk away until you get it? Same here.
I'm squatting until you give it.
That didn't come out right.
Could you excuse us for a second? This office is too big.
You could put a Porsche in here.
Are you on something? I'm on adrenaline.
Between this trial and you, I've had a man-hating week.
I'd be a fool to waste it.
Why did you dump me? This isn't funny, Ronny.
I know.
It's just the stuff that comes out of you.
It makes me fall even more What do you mean, "fall even more"? I just can't stop thinking about you.
- This is a trick.
- I've never met anybody like you.
We've had one date, and already I see myself falling in love.
Falling in You said you didn't want to see me anymore.
That's not a normal thing to say for somebody falling in love.
Your favorite book, Henderson The Rain King? You identifying with Henderson, a guy going around saying, "I want.
" That makes for an interesting character.
When you print your life story, I'll be waiting at the bookstore.
But for a partner? I don't want to sign up with a person who knows she'll be wanting forever.
I was making conversation.
I said that so you'd know I read books.
That's just you all over, Ally.
The day you stop wanting is the day you begin to die.
You go through people.
You'll go through me.
That is just so- True.
You're saying I'm the kind of person that can never be happy? I think you'll know more happiness than most.
You just won't be content.
He's doing this on purpose.
He's read the book of Rules for men.
Are you saying this so I'll deny it? To make me want you more? It's working.
I'm saying this because you are a great lady.
And I don't want to spend my life feeling overmatched.
That's the most flattering thing anybody's ever said to me.
- You coward! - Excuse me? You want some Stepford girl with her own apron set.
She's out there waiting.
If you want me, you gotta go for it.
I'm it.
- You said that? - Yes.
I said it.
Is that too bold for you, Ms.
"Grab The Opposing Counsel's Butt"? Georgia.
- Hey, honey.
- Gonna be late? - We're just going over the summation.
- I gather.
Doing better? Yeah, thanks.
I'll be in my office.
What? Where do we start? This morning on the elevator when we were both thinking about nothing? My nothing was Cheanie.
What was yours? Maybe this case.
What about this case? I don't know.
I think for both of you, this trial could be unsettling.
You both fall into the "pretty" category, just like Barbara Cooker.
It can be disconcerting to realize that everything you think you are - can disappear with a wrinkle.
- Thank you, Elaine.
Personally, from my standpoint I think you have a lot more than looks.
This is the assistant they give me to ease my day.
It would be easier to laugh her off if she wasn't a little on the mark.
We get mileage out of our looks.
- And? - It's temporary.
Are you afraid of getting older? I'm afraid of growing out of what my husband fell in love with at least partly.
Afraid of not measuring up to whatever my senior partners saw in me.
You don't really believe that.
No, I don't.
I don't think Barbara ever did either.
We've got to win this case for peace of mind, at least.
Richard, I need I spoke to Cheanie last night, and I am wrought.
You're "wrought"? He said there may be an intolerable working relationship.
He said you squatted for the truth.
Ronny called me and we're going out to see "what if?" That's wonderful.
I'm thrilled for you.
I knew you would be.
I gotta get to court.
You helped me with Whipper.
I want to give you something: Love.
It's an equation.
A "me," a "you," derives a "we.
" - It's that simple.
- I'll try to remember that.
The foundation for any "we" is a "me," and if the "me" is a work in progress, don't start constructing the "we.
" Are you saying I need work? I say it because I care.
Parenting is nothing if not selfless.
- That's a Fishism.
- Yes, it is.
Looks count.
Nobody's saying they don't.
She's an on-camera anchor.
Looks must count.
And look.
Look at her.
This is an attractive woman and, the defendant admits the finest journalist they had.
They fired her because not enough people wanted to see her naked.
The justification? The public.
The "land of idiots.
" People do read Entertainment Weekly.
I don't know.
I do know we have a sampling of the public right here in this jury box so you tell us.
They fired an Emmy Award-winning anchor on the premise the public is a bunch of idiots who would rather see Playboy models covering transvestites.
If that's how they regard the public if that's what they think of you and you and you then we shouldn't be too surprised that they disregarded Barbara Cooker.
You're the public.
Be heard.
She didn't get fired for being old.
She was discharged because she was no longer capable of doing her job.
Like it or not, in this day of remote control and five zillion channels one function of the anchorwoman is to be beautiful.
Pretty enough to make the channel surfer stop right there and say, "Ooh.
" There's only one word to describe him: The job is different today.
The job function is different.
As for what he's saying: It's a reality.
Do I like it? Am I happy to be living in a world that prioritizes beauty over content? Look at me.
I was the fat boy who had to take his own sister to the prom.
And I bet he tried to cop a feel.
I have a mustache because friends said the more face I cover, the better.
That's the real world.
In every walk of life lawyers, journalists, secretaries pudgy teenagers looking to get one lousy date looks matter.
You want to punish my client for that reality? I suppose you could.
But they're not responsible.
And you know that.
- Now what? - We wait.
- How long will they be out? - Ladies.
Nice touch with the public bit.
The "big fat prom-boy" thing? That was good too.
It felt right.
The palms are getting sweaty.
They're willing to offer four.
- Four hundred? - No, four dollars.
$400,000? Sealed.
No admission of guilt.
Take it.
- Your offer is rejected.
- Pardon? Don't you have to ask her? Did you want it? Say yes.
- Do you think I should? - No.
- Okay, yes.
- No.
What? Your instincts said no.
- My instincts? - Mine too.
You're turning down $400,000? I can't believe it! How? How? This has got to be more than this case is worth! I'm Wrought.
The jury was with us.
Ally gave a great closing.
Why are you looking so blue? Because we turned down so much on my instincts.
I have bad instincts.
That's not true.
You were right about Cheanie dumping you.
Could I have a second with Ally? I'm helpful in these situations.
Just the same.
It's not my style to care, but what's going on? - What do you mean? - You're personalizing this.
Why? Do you ever worry about winding up alone? I'm alone now, but I've got Whipper.
Is that some sort of Fishism? Everybody's alone.
It's just easier to take in a relationship.
I don't believe that.
I believe everybody is half of a whole.
And I know it sounds kind of What's the word? Silly? No, not silly.
And not sorry, either.
The people who just give in to loneliness those are the sorry ones.
The strong people who stand up for their beliefs those are the people who end up like Barbara Cooker.
I see this tough woman.
Unflinching, uncompromising, un- happy.
I was talking about Barbara.
I wasn't talking about me.
Who said it was me? I don't know.
Say something nice about Cheanie.
So, Cheanie's back on? I don't know if it's good or bad.
He has me so confused.
We go on a non-date, we kiss.
We go on a real date, he doesn't.
- He wants in one minute - Do you want in? Yeah.
Why do I feel unfaithful? - You want my advice? - Sure.
You've never let me down before.
If you want this guy to stick around for a while if he goes to kiss you, kiss him back.
That's terrible advice.
Put out or lose out? - That's not what I mean.
- What, then? I mean, if memory serves me if you kiss him, he may not stay forever but he won't be running off quick.
A person isn't a good kisser, Billy.
It takes two to The jury's back.
I can always tell when something big is about to happen, good or bad.
- I can feel it.
- Which will it be? That, I can't tell.
- Has the jury reached its verdict? - Yes.
What say you? In Cooker versus WKZN Television we find for the plaintiff and order the defendant to pay damages of $930,000.
One juror thought he should've grown a beard.
It's not as good as getting my job back, but as consolations go Are we dancing? Absolutely, but first I have to pee.
Oh, that is so romantic.
I'm gonna join him.
It doesn't mean that I'm gay.
Shut up.
- We did it! - We did it! You might get hired by some other station now.
I saw the news coverage of the trial.
You were lit great.
Hey, Ally! What? I'm getting so healthy.
I can double-date with them.
My stomach doesn't hurt.
And I actually like who's dancing with me.
Who says I'll end up alone? Or is it in his face? Oh, no, it's just his charm In his warm embrace? Oh, no, that's just his arms If you want to know If he loves you so It's in his kiss Oh, it's in her kiss You stinker!
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