Ally Mcbeal s01e11 Episode Script

- I can't sing.
- You and Georgia will back me up.
- Backup for you, like Ikettes? - We all sing at the Christmas party.
We rent the bar for rehearsal.
- We sing at the party? - We'll discuss it later.
I may have something big.
I need to see you and John right away.
They talk about you being lugubrious.
I hoped you could squash it with a number.
I'm looking out for you.
Thank you, Elaine.
You touch me.
Ikettes! - You want what? - That we be allowed to marry.
- All three of you? - Yes.
That's not something you can do, legally.
I'm a lawyer, and so is Patti.
We're partners already, with children.
And Patti's already changed her name.
But we want our union to be recognized by the law.
This is a test case, and we think you are the perfect attorneys for it.
- Why? - Whipper likes John's legal mind and your sense of romance.
The issue's ripe.
I'd argue it, but we're fornicating.
- What do you say? - I say no.
Well, splendid.
You're in good hands.
- Richard! - Ally.
Richard! Usually it's all about money.
This time, it's piles of money.
I have a problem championing the rights of a threesome.
The case landed on Whipper's docket because I asked her to take it.
They think we've influence with the Whip.
I all but promised it.
The argument's viable, legally.
How can we say no? It's Christmas! I've been down this road Silver Bells Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Two children are by Mindy and me.
And our third is by all three of us.
What do you mean, all three? James fertilized Patti's egg.
It was implanted in me.
Sorry.
Obviously, this has no precedent.
The definition of the nuclear family is evolving.
The time is coming for it to start.
And it has to start with me.
You carry this.
You're an unorthodox arguments whiz and this one is so you.
Okay, but Richard's right, your presence is vital.
Why? Because in concept it will seem conventionally unromantic.
Your presence will take the curse off that with Whipper.
And I've emerged without my trousers.
Chagrined.
- Will I what? - Sing at our Christmas party.
Ally says you have a great voice - I do.
- And I thought you and Georgia I love that suit.
Have you thought of putting your baritone to a beat? - I'm not singing backup for you.
- I don't sing backup for anybody.
This is for Christmas.
Jesus Christ, our Lord Savior, was born.
It kills me how everybody is so "me, me, me.
" I can't go shopping and I have to push back lunch.
- Now Richard wants me in court too.
- He does? Strength in numbers, given what we're arguing.
Wait, why are you on the stage? It's rehearsal to check equipment.
Why aren't you singing a carol? I pay for this.
I can sing what I want.
This will be the third year you sing an "Ode to Whipper.
" She wants a ring, not a medley.
Thank you.
Your counsel is a comfort.
I'll dye my roots to profit from your tutelage.
You and Whipper barely survived the last two Christmases.
If you can't admit the problem to me, fine.
But admit it to yourself or you might not celebrate together next year.
- Do they as a threesome? - Evidently not.
There's nothing kinky, it's heterosexual, one-on-one sex.
I guess the women take turns being too tired.
I don't get it! A penis is not a share toy! Don't say "penis," Renee.
It's a man thing, ménage à trois.
It's like a harem fetish.
No, he's either with one or the other, but never with both.
- What will we do? - We have two options: - Science or emotion.
- What's the difference? Anthropological studies say that man, by nature, needs many partners spreading his seed, for the survivability of humanity.
Emotion says to follow his heart.
He doesn't love one female for long.
Personally, I lean toward science.
What are your thoughts? I appreciate not rushing with your answers.
- Do you believe that science? - Yes.
Men can't stay attracted to one female for long.
That's a science? Sexual attraction is all chemical.
At some point one stops making the chemical for one's partner.
It quells sex drive.
Adult videos, lingerie.
They treat the symptoms, but What a sad way to look at love.
Married couples cannot maintain frisk for one another.
Yeah.
It troubles me.
I was married to Mindy eight years when Patti and I - You and Patti work in the same firm? - Yes.
- And you fell in love with Patti? - I did.
- You weren't in love with Mindy? - Well, my marriage did seem dead.
It was meeting Patti.
I fell in love with her.
I couldn't leave.
I loved Mindy too.
And she's the mother of my children.
You were in love with two women? I could tear things apart or bring everything together.
The three of us sat down and talked, and we decided to try this.
- The three of you.
- Yes.
That was two years ago.
Patti and Mindy have become close, and we decided to have a child together.
And that justifies being joined in matrimony? As a threesome? We're a family.
Conventional? No.
But we're happy and devoted.
The kids live in a home with love and trust and security.
How many people can make the same claim? At first I was devastated.
My husband having an affair.
- I was destroyed.
- How did you respond? I cried for two weeks.
It was so painful because it happened when our relationship seemed stronger than ever.
- While he was with another woman? - I didn't know that.
We were laughing again, talking, affectionate.
That had been missing for a long time.
Sex too.
You were laughing, talking and having more sex once he started this affair? - Strangely enough.
- Why, do you think? His relationship with Patti opened him up.
Maybe that helped my relationship with him.
- It almost made sense.
- What if he wanted four or five wives? - We should allow polygamy if it works? - No, but What's wrong? Something's bothering you.
You and I.
These past few months you're relaxed more intimate.
- We're - What? We're what? This is the best we've ever been.
Sexually, emotionally.
- Ever since Ally came here.
- I beg your pardon? You've been less repressed.
Because of Ally? That's good.
I should write this down.
- It's not that ridiculous.
- Yes, it is.
You think there is something between me and Ally? Of course there is.
Maybe not sexual but we know there's something going on, and And what? And maybe I'm able to live with it because you have been - I don't know.
- You do know, obviously.
Tell me.
I don't think you're being unfaithful.
I think there are little pockets of intimacy you can't get to with me that you do get to with her.
As a result, you feel less - Repressed.
- That's the best word: Repressed.
Because of it, we have been more intimate.
Ally has been good for us and it pisses me off.
- That's - Crazy.
I know.
- I've got them.
- Excuse me? - Ikettes, to sing backup for my song.
- You got the Ikettes? Not real, but they're sexy and black, and accent my sensuality.
So, I'm off the hook then? - Question Patti on the stand.
- Whipper's on the fence, even.
She needs a nudge from a romantic idealist.
Problem is, she can read me no matter what I say in there.
Well Is it the idea, two women, one man? Were you swayed by Mindy's testimony? Her husband brings another woman into the home.
To live there.
One, two, three, four.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus Last night I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus last night Hello! Hip atrophy? We need to sex it up a little bit.
- It's just rehearsal.
- The party is Friday.
Are you ready, boys? One, two, three, four.
I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus last night If she caught her mother with Santa, she'd tell her father.
In a second.
- What are you going to sing, Renee? - I'm not sure yet.
But you don't want to follow me.
Trust that.
Last night, last night She didn't see me creep - She said that? - Yeah.
- Well, it's - Silly.
And true.
Well, it's not that huge of a - You know Steve Schwinn? - Yeah.
He said his marriage got better when his wife went to therapy.
Not that she went to counseling because of the marriage.
But talking to somebody else, she felt like it decompressed her.
Feeling you're heard by anybody helps relations with everybody.
- I read that once.
And having a solid friendship pays dividends at work, at home All over.
I think our friendship makes us both stronger.
- Don't you? - Yes.
And it's just a coincidence we used to be lovers.
- What? - Nothing.
What? I don't plan to break up your marriage but I'm not thrilled to be the best thing that happened to it.
- Home? Separate homes? - I'm tired.
Christmas fatigue on the 15th? Why are you depressed every holiday? Is it more fun bringing everyone down when their spirits are higher? Keep digging, Nuckie.
We'll be nose to nose any second.
Oh.
Hmm.
I have a buddy who's a chiropractor.
Business triples in December.
You know why? Neck injuries.
I can't tell where it's going, but it sounds like a good one.
People take stock at the holidays, see what's there and what's missing.
All that craning, they get sore necks.
You want to be happy? Don't look around.
Happiness can be found in one word: Denial.
Happiness is going to bed with something more secure than a Fishism.
Look Whipper do you want me to marry you? I'll marry you.
What's the big deal? We love each other.
We're together.
What's so important about marriage? What's it mean? It must mean something, if you're so afraid of it.
Isn't it obvious? She's feeling insecure.
- Why does she impose on me? - She's your girlfriend.
- Why do single women feel unhappy? - Men are miserable after marriage! - What was that? - Nothing.
Billy's never been happier.
That isn't true.
I have definitely seen him happier.
Oh, God.
- He told you about our conversation.
- What conversation? - Cappuccinos? - Don't you wish.
She told her that you told her about what she told you.
- Ally.
- Billy.
- Bygones.
- Quiet! You and I need to talk.
The three of us need to talk.
- Can I just apologize and be excused? - No! - We are going in a room together.
- I can take minutes.
- Do you sniff trouble and seek it out? - Yes, and try to complicate it.
- Excuse me.
- What?! We're late for court.
- I am the evil other woman.
- You wear the badge proudly.
I work.
I wanted a family.
I didn't want a nanny.
It sounds nuts, but I'm marrying the mother of my children.
- It does sound nuts.
- You don't have to tell me.
- I didn't grow up picturing this.
- But the picture has changed? Yeah.
Uh You sound sad with that answer.
I grew up with the same dreams as everybody else.
I dreamed of my wedding day, my little house, my garden.
It didn't work according to plan.
But you know what? It did work.
I know it's just a holiday phase.
- The point of Christmas cheer is what? - Cheer.
Exactly.
All she wants under that tree is a picket fence.
- I'm drawn to her.
- Whipper? Ally.
I'm drawn to her.
I'm tempted to invite her to the party as my date.
We spoke of it once and she She kissed me under the mistletoe.
The moment was full of ambiguity, but I did sense an overture.
Then ask her, it's a good time.
She's saying yes to everybody.
- I'm not good asking women out.
- There's not much to it, John.
The way you prepare for negotiating sessions, do that.
Just demand money? Go in as if you're the world's strongest man.
Except instead of being battle-ready, you just adjust it.
But what you keep is the idea that you feel good about yourself.
Even if it's a lie.
Somebody has to start.
Since you called the meeting I'll start by protesting that I'm in the middle of this.
I second that.
I protest you being in the middle.
- Who's under attack, me or him? - What are you so angry about? I'm angry that to discuss our marriage I've got to have her in the room.
I'm angry because I don't know who to blame.
Because I like you better since she came back into your life! Because somehow she has made you and I closer! Because I'm not sure I want her out of your life! Because I don't know how to handle this, and on top of it all I like her, damn it! I'm angry about that too.
Okay I'm glad that we cleared the air and bye.
Get back here! We need to get honest with each other.
Spouses, ex-girlfriends.
It doesn't call for honesty, but for pretending.
Which I was capable of.
But you, me and him being in this office together? Some things I've heard in this trial are going on here.
- She's made you more emotionally open.
- I don't deny it for a second.
Should've denied it! Look I am getting out of this room.
If my friendship with him has improved your relationship, it doesn't matter.
Whatever you two decide to do about that I shouldn't be in this room.
I'm sorry.
Please disregard that one.
I saw Mommy Tickle Santa Claus Underneath his beard - She's not bad.
- We'll be better.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus - Is it close? - Lf we win, I'll kill myself.
Three-way marriage.
All I believe in, I don't care if it's a giant myth.
Ally, you grew up dreaming you would be a mother with a career.
Maybe a three-way is what you dreamed about.
Oh.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Relationships should be in twos.
Or at least in even numbers.
Why do we need to marry anyway? It's not security.
Men are insecure too.
Being unmarried isn't a stigma to men.
Eligible bachelor, old maid.
Society drills into us that women be married, smart people have careers women have babies and mothers stay at home.
Society condemns working mothers that don't stay at home.
What chance do we have when society keeps on drilling us? We could change it.
There are more women than men.
If they wanted, they could change it.
I plan to change it.
I just want to get married first! Uh Your Honor.
I'm sorry for the intrusion.
- Would you mind if I came in? - No.
- Honey! - I didn't mean to disturb anybody.
- Is something the matter? - No.
I just came to get a peek at your home.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to bother anyone.
Good night.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- Did you ask her? - I'm still steeling myself.
Strong, assured, fresh, bold.
You just described a breath mint.
- I don't know what else to say.
- I gathered that.
All last night and today you don't know what else to say.
I'm inclined to think you have nothing else to say.
If you tell me to dial back friendship with Ally, I will do it.
If it's a threat, I'll do it, whether you ask me to or not.
Maybe I should leave this firm.
That's the easiest solution.
I don't want that.
I want to completely trust you.
You don't now? No.
Are you technically faithful? Yes.
Are you totally faithful? No.
When you go to her and repeat things I have said to you when you go to her as a sounding board for stuff that involves us that is not fidelity.
She understands that.
Why can't you? But even when using her as a sounding board helps us, as you said? I need to feel that whatever our successes or failures she's got no part of them.
I get that.
- Ally? - Hey, John.
May I be so bold as to ask you something? Sure.
Sure, but before you do, your fly Chagrined.
- You think Whipper will rule today? - She implied she would.
Umm Listen, Ally, about the party would you go as my date? Well John, I've actually been thinking about that.
You are my boss.
- I understand.
- You see, it's I understand.
I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus last night I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Look at her! Is this pop? - It's like '70s slut-rock.
I like it.
- Where's Whipper? - She should be here any John Cage.
- What's he want? - You.
- Whipper has a verdict.
- Now? Tonight? She's doing it to kill the party.
I'll go with you.
The Biscuit will meet you there.
Underneath the beard So snowy white Oh, what a laugh it would have been If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus Last night I've been married twice.
Both marriages failed miserably.
When I went to your home, I saw something I never had.
Something I still want.
There's no reason for the Commonwealth not to recognize a union of three.
What's the big deal? I know the institution of marriage is changing.
I know there are a lot of people who may not consider it a sanctity but I also know this isn't an erosion I'll contribute to.
You may be right, but you picked the wrong judge.
Plaintiff's motion denied.
- We tried.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- She, just, you know - Made the right decision? Hey.
There's a rumor that you're naked under that robe.
- Hi, Richard.
- I'm singing a song for you tonight.
- It'll be our best party yet.
- That's nice.
We laugh together.
We love together.
Why introduce the notion it'll work out? That's a holiday Fishism.
- I'm afraid.
- Of what? My parents.
All they did was fight.
Scream.
I grew up in my room wearing headphones blaring music so I wouldn't hear.
My heart actually quickened at the end of songs 'cause I knew that during the little gap I'd be able to hear them.
- You equate marriage with that? - I equate dependence with that.
Whipper, the fact that you're so much older than me It, uh I chirp so proudly, "Doesn't matter.
" It does.
It's an automatic defense.
The age difference can't lead to permanence.
There's a guardrail from day one.
That aside I love you.
- I don't work well with guardrails.
- Yeah, I know.
We could get I don't know, some counseling.
Or I could get it.
But for now let's just let's get through Christmas, okay? Sure.
Let's get through Christmas.
Santa Claus is coming Santa Claus is coming Santa Claus is coming To town Oh, you better watch out, You better not cry Better not pout I'm telling you why - I really thought we'd win.
- Marriages should be twos, not threes.
We thought you'd handle the appeal.
- I'm sorry if I seemed a lunatic.
- No, you didn't.
The truth is that I use him.
- What? - Billy.
When I feel insecure or unsteady I grab ahold of things that steady me.
- Billy does that.
- I know.
The weird thing is, so do you.
- Me? - Sometimes.
I admire you, Georgia.
How awful! - Here's to you, Barbie.
- To you, Skipper.
He knows when you've been bad or good So be good, for goodness ' sake The party's happening.
I'll be down shortly.
You know, for Mindy her only chance to hold on to her children's father was saying yes to this arrangement with Patti.
This I know.
- Well, did she tell you that? - She didn't have to.
John let's go to the party as dates.
- Your first instinct was correct.
Well, umm I'd like to go with my current one.
Maybe a glass of wine up here.
- Noise troubles me.
- Wouldn't you like to dance? Oh I'm not rhythmic.
- Maybe a slow dance.
- Well It isn't like dancing at all.
It's two people leaning on each other.
As if they'd fall down without the other to hold on to.
It's very "Christmas.
" - Do you know that you're odd? - I do.
I don't remember what day it was I didn't notice what time it was All I know is that I fell in love with you And if all my dreams come true I'll be spending time with you - You didn't say what you do.
- I run a network.
That's a good one.
Every time I kiss your lips My mind starts to wonder And if all my dreams come true I'll be spending time with you I love you more today than yesterday But not as much as tomorrow I love you more today than yesterday But darling not as much as Tomorrow Tomorrow To me, the meaning of Christmas has always been Santa.
Still is.
You're allowed to believe in things you know don't exist.
I believed in him until I was 12.
I wouldn't give it up.
- What made you stop? - My mother.
She told me he fondled the elves.
Some therapist said to undermine my admiration for him.
Next year she said he died.
Heart attack.
Cholesterol.
I blamed myself for leaving cookies.
Fat man trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney and I taunt him with Oreos and a glass of whole milk.
And you call me odd.
Bells will be ringing The glad, glad news Oh, what a Christmas To have the blues My baby's gone And I have no friends The other thing about slow dancing is the surrender of it all.
Sometimes people need to surrender.
Singing Silent Night You stinker!