Ally Mcbeal s01e14 Episode Script

- Tell me he's not doing this.
- She's letting him.
- Why does she want to marry him? - She hit 30.
If I get that desperate, drop a big rock on my head.
Okay, you single guys, come on up.
- I hate weddings.
- Me too.
- Why, do you think? - We're alone.
Oh, yeah.
That.
- Soon they'll play "Shout.
" - "Mack the Knife.
" We have Tory with her bouquet.
Come on, single gals.
This is the moment you've waited for.
Catch it and be the next to marry! - I guess we shouldn't be rude.
- Guess not.
I hate this part.
Who invents these customs? Who says we want to marry? Cindy, Mindy Aunt Marge, this is for you.
- Just get it over with.
- Please.
I've been down this road Body Language Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine the light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah - That's my last bridesmaid dress.
- Until the next one.
I'd rather go out in public in pajamas.
- We're the only ones not marrying.
- We are.
Georgia and I are doing a case with a woman marrying a man in jail for life.
He hijacked a plane and blew up two buildings.
- Yet she still wants to marry him? - Yeah.
She started writing letters, then talking to him.
She hit 30.
Seriously, why marriage? Why do you think women? We're brainwashed.
The first stories we hear as babies Snow White, Cinderella.
Being saved by the guy.
Today it's The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas.
All about the guy.
So we're screwed up because of Disney.
The Supreme Court defends inmates' right to marry.
- But he's maximum-security.
- But a model prisoner.
He was 20 then.
Changed circumstances.
- Maybe John should third-chair it.
- I would, but I'm in smile therapy.
- You're in smile therapy? - Yes.
I won't stay to be disparaged.
Nobody's disparaging you, but what exactly is smile therapy? I'm prone to sternness, facially.
Anecdotal evidence suggests smiles aren't just inside-out conduct.
The inverse applies as well.
I smile because I'm happy.
I'm happy because I smile.
- People have a right to be married.
- He's a maximum-security prisoner.
He's not violent, he just blows things up.
The Supreme Court said - Marriage for inmates is restricted.
- By the least restrictive means to achieve the goal.
Why prevent it? These are questions for the superintendent of prisons.
Right, let the warden decide.
For him the Constitution is a ship! If two people love each other, courts should stay clear until divorce.
This guy is a lifer.
I'm an incurable romantic but I uphold the superintendent.
You'll have to go to him.
- Smile therapy for the firm? - If it really breeds happiness.
We're not the same from the harassment stuff.
If it helps, why not? - I'll set up a session.
- We wanted a happy place, right? - Hey, preaching to the choir.
- Great.
Set it up.
Oh, John.
Pants.
I want to accommodate her, but I don't have discretion.
The judge said you did.
The only court-recognized exceptions for marriage are: If they had a child, which they don't, or if she were pregnant.
- Can you permit conjugal visits? - Not for non-married prisoners and never for maximum-security.
- You seem open to finding a way.
I don't like being intransigent, but in prison rules are everything.
It isn't fair.
It isn't.
Janie, can I ask you something? What'd you get that you don't have now? There's no inheritance or insurance.
- Obviously you won't be parents.
Why? - Because I love him! - Isn't that enough to want marriage? - It is.
I couldn't help but overhear, because I was eavesdropping.
Bygones.
Janie, women marry to make it much harder for men to get away.
You latch on with legal strings, he's caught.
You have it.
He's not going anywhere.
He has a ball and chain literally.
He won't sleep with other women or you.
In a sense, you are married.
Don't That's what you say And she didn't buy it? What woman falls for a prisoner? We need a judge or the warden to understand, but they react like Billy.
So do I.
The guy's serving life.
Oh, my God! - What? - There.
Bar.
Her! - Is that really her? - She's in town.
She's at a bar? - Where are you going? - It's Janet Reno.
Oh, God help us now.
Ms.
Reno, my name's Richard Fish.
I'm a big admirer.
You've no idea.
Might I ask you to dance? Wait, what's that on your? There's some soot, or something Just, here, I can get it.
He's fingering her wattle! He's hitting on the Attorney General! A little smudge, I can get it - Have you got it? You're tickling me.
- Almost, almost - Look.
- Oh, boy.
All that brouhaha over a few calls.
I'm sure Billy's called 900 numbers.
"I'm the president.
Can you come hum a little hail to my chief?" I didn't quite get it all.
Don't Whipper! Janet Reno, Whipper.
Hey, hi.
Judge, Attorney General.
- And this is the special prosecutor? - Funny.
Bygones.
Spritzer? He's gonna get it now.
The Whip and Janet Reno.
There's a catfight.
She's Attorney General, it was firm business.
I'm sure your business was firm.
I'm not interested in explanations.
Uh, oh.
I know that body language.
Like I'd hit on somebody who can have the FBl Stop yammering for one second.
- Stick a fork in him.
- Really? You're done.
We're done.
See you.
Told you.
Oh, boy.
I don't get why you want to move to Switzerland.
Everything is neutral in Switzerland, even emotionally.
They drink hot cocoa, work in banks and lead nice lives.
Until they shoot themselves.
Richard and Whipper, a setback for love.
You take that personally.
See you tonight, David.
Here's where the smile's most effective.
When you're upset.
- I don't want to smile.
- Let's try a small one.
Whipper dumped me last night.
I'm not smiling.
If that troubles you, go stand on a railroad track and take a moment.
That remark troubles me.
This is how you use the smile to deal with upset.
You're a cracker.
Unacceptable.
- Richard! - Not now.
She's right to be angry.
You were having relations with a woman's neck.
- How can she not feel betrayed? - It was nothing, just a pretty throat.
If you want Whipper back, don't deny what happened.
Why don't you call her and see? Her machine says if I come near her, she'll file a restraining order.
You want me to talk to her? I'm not such a disaster when it's other people's lives.
Yeah.
Solitary confinement? He picked up a trash can and threw it in the warden's direction.
Now he's in solitary.
I can't even visit him.
- What? - They put him in solitary.
Why can't he be married? What state interest could be served? He's throwing trash cans today.
He wasn't before.
Can't we argue that marriage is good for the inmate and thus the state? - We tried, but - We could go back to court.
With what new evidence, trash can? Judge Smart is all mood.
Some days it's yes, others it's no.
Then go again.
Please.
John! Excuse me.
Smile therapy.
Do they discuss how it works the other way? Pardon? Instead of how it makes you feel, how it makes the other person feel.
What am I getting at? Smiling, flirting, that kind of thing Using it to negotiate, to get what you want? That skill is innate to every woman, isn't it? It seems silly, but given Richard's fetish When he touches a neck, it's no different than kissing.
- It's worse.
- Okay.
If it's a fetish, that means he has less self-control than other men.
- I thought of that.
But it's - But it's what? It hurts a little more because it's Janet Reno.
- It does? - Yeah.
I'm prepared to see him smitten with a pretty model or a young beauty.
But Janet Reno is smart and powerful.
So you see her as a threat? Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? - This doesn't leave this room.
- Of course.
He's been making excuses not to go to bed when I go.
He has to stay up late or do some work, you know how it goes.
You think he's avoiding sex with you? I don't know.
- But a few times, I've caught him.
- Caught him doing what? Watching CNN, C-SPAN when she's on.
- Janet Reno? - Once she was on Nightline and I can't be sure, but I think he was touching himself.
He's got something for that woman.
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
You've had trouble with Whipper before, but you've never been mean.
This time we actually broke up.
A couple with commitment issues doesn't try again without agreeing on one thing.
Marriage.
I can tell her I love her until I'm blue in the face.
What do I say? "I'm waiting for the Red Sox to win a World Series"? If she accepted that, you'd be safe.
Why not marriage? Add to that our age difference, and me.
Do you think I have a stronger or lesser chance, statistically? - Lf you want her back, go to her.
- Right now, I don't know how.
I'll show you.
- Your strategy is flirting? - Sort of.
Don't you think Georgia should do it? - Why? - Well She smiles.
- I smile.
- I know, but Never mind.
No, no, no.
What? Ally, you have a natural pout.
- I do not.
- You're right.
I have pouty lips.
I don't pout.
I have a radiant smile.
Just because I don't smile all the time - I have an infectious smile.
- I know.
Listen, Ally Why did you bring me here? - Aside from the goodwill from my - Radiant smile.
Janie I know that you love him.
But is there anything I can say to the judge that would - Do you need that piece of paper? - Maybe not.
But I want it.
I want it.
Okay.
Why? When I make that vow to love him forever I want it recognized not just by us but by our families, the world.
- You can't physically be with him.
- Why do people say that? Emotionally I sit at my piano and I sing to him every night.
- So what if he's not there? - She sings to someone nonexistent.
- What? - "Goodnight, My Someone.
" You sing that? It's just a pro-tem song until I meet somebody real.
- What do you sing? - "For Your Love.
" "For Your Love"? Could you? For your love I would do anything I would do anything For your love - You stand, feet shoulder-width apart? - And I see myself.
- It's a cheat using the mirror.
- I see how I am, and how I want to be.
- Then I hear the bells.
- Bells? Tolling.
For me.
And they fill me.
Watch.
- Did you see me change? - Some.
You try it.
Look into yourself.
See yourself talking to Whipper.
Winningly.
- I'm not quite - Keep staring.
When you feel it go to her.
But we all get foolish That's why I repeat For your love For your love I would go anywhere I would go anywhere I would go anywhere For your love Whatever he says, laugh.
Men love to be funny, except in bed.
And touch his arm whenever.
And in a pinch allude to not wearing any underwear.
I won't be in that pinch.
- Are you sure Georgia shouldn't? - I smile! Ally! I couldn't sit and wait.
I think I'm ovulating.
- I've been walking - I'll be back in an hour.
Maybe you could wait.
Did you say you were ovulating? - What's up? - Client's in heat.
- Elaine.
- What? Hey, Richard! He's off to woo Whipper.
It's an exciting day.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Thank you for taking time out to see me.
- I'll be needing that.
- Excuse me? - My hand.
- Oh! That's a good one! "I'll be needing that.
" I saw pictures of your children.
They're so cute! This older one is so handsome.
He must have Daddy's genes.
- He's adopted.
- And your wife - You're flirting.
- I am.
Here's the thing.
Without bringing up marriage, I'm asking for a court order to allow my client's fiancé to make sperm deposits.
Pardon? It's not unprecedented for prisoners to make deposits into sperm banks.
The exception is that my client would be the "bank.
" If she got pregnant, that would mean they could be married.
- Who thought of that? - Me.
You said you were a romantic.
This allows for a romantic end without defying the superintendent.
Hey.
I appreciate you agreeing to see me.
L - What? - Nothing.
I've never seen you in a turtleneck.
Yeah, well, I decided not to take chances.
Whipper.
I've thought long and hard.
I've decided you need to hear something you won't want to.
You locate too much self-esteem in your neck and it hurts you.
You have perfect breasts and the ripest rump.
Your stomach's a washboard and your hair flows like a river.
You are more than just a pretty neck and you need to know it.
You left out my eyes.
Oops.
You left out my lips and my soft, soft Midas-touch hands.
And my thighs.
But most of all, nookie, you left out my knee.
I know I should be happy.
I'm still stunned.
Me too.
- It only works if you want children.
- I do.
But how do I get? We give him a cup and some privacy, and you wait with a turkey baster.
Since you're ovulating, there's a chance.
And if you conceive, then you qualify to marry him.
- Okay.
I have to tell Michael.
- Another snafu there.
Since he's in solitary, he can only see his lawyers.
So I can't contact him, but I can get pregnant by him? - It's why I'm in law.
Nuance.
- Hot baths will kill your eggs.
- Stress can be a prohibitor.
- Go to a fertility clinic.
Georgia, you and I will go see Daddy.
- This is insane! - Our job's distorting the law.
- Should we bring a magazine? - You'll hand him Tupperware? Metal isn't allowed.
Plastic is okay.
Who gets to burp it? - Why does it bother you? - It doesn't.
Prisoners' rights aside, there should be limits.
This is nuts.
It's not Tupperware.
- We know this is a bit of a - Shock.
- But it's the only way.
- It's no reason for a child.
No, it isn't.
But Janie said you both want a child anyway.
- So I just take a cup, and - Yep.
I'm not great under pressure.
There's no time limit, and you can bring reading material in there.
- Periodicals with pictures might help.
- This all seems crazy.
Because it is.
Okay.
This might seem untoward, but before I go back would you stand back and let me look at you? I most certainly will not! Forget it.
I think you should think of Janie.
It was perhaps wrong to objectify her.
I was being diffusive.
- You mentioned her hair? - A river.
It's so damn confusing.
Wasn't it stupid to go there and praise her breasts? If she's beautiful, you say "smart.
" If she's smart, you say "beautiful.
" Whipper's a judge, a legal scholar.
She wants her breasts praised.
Janet Reno on a barstool? Was she looking to rehash Waco? Women want commitment.
That's an overused generalization! What does that say of women? That they prefer monogamy, unlike men, who'll procreate with anything.
Exactly.
You said it, not me.
Don't call me chauvinistic.
He has problems.
I bet you're feeling ingenious.
It's because of you and your rules.
It'll be a nice news item.
They love each other.
Are you that cynical? You aren't around the best people.
- Maybe you should get out more.
- He's never getting out.
- Are you married, Mr.
Yorkin? - I love my wife.
I live with her.
But these two people live in totally separate worlds.
Why do you insist upon sense? Does any marriage make sense? They love each other.
It's not just enough, it's everything.
Give it to me.
In law school, did you ever dream of a murder trial? - Did you dream of being a judge? - Sometimes.
Did you dream of waiting for a warden to bring out a cup of semen? Dad always said, "Education will take you anywhere.
" All right, ladies.
Your client has responded.
Great.
- Take it.
- You take it.
I'm on the phone.
Take it.
We'll be there in 20 minutes, without traffic.
We're hurrying.
- You should've turned left.
- What? Damn it! No, not you, Janie.
Just relax and ovulate.
How do you feel about one-way streets? Normally, I'm a fan.
But not with a cop watching.
Just relax, pull over.
Relax, relax.
- She'll be in session a while.
- I'll wait.
- Hello, officer.
- License and registration.
Absolutely.
Wonder why I went down a one-way? - I was going one way.
- Have you been drinking? No, I don't - May I see the container? - No.
Even if I'd been drinking, I promise it wasn't from this.
Step out now, both of you.
And give me the container.
We should focus on that one-way street.
Out now, or I arrest you! Give it to me.
- What is it? - I can't tell.
- You know what it is? - Oh, yes.
- What? - Let's put it this way: Everything a man truly has to offer a woman is in that cup.
The cheek should reach for your eyes.
A kinesiology between the cheek and spirit.
- It's ridiculous.
- And it can cause wrinkles.
It's okay.
You came back for the other knee? You kissed another man in the restaurant.
- Let's not point fingers.
- Don't compare it to Janet Reno! - This is about you and me! - Damn right! You and me! - Here I am! You and me! - Your deal.
- You've changed your mind? - Not about marriage.
Do you know what we've been through? - We were almost arrested! - I want a child with him.
But harvesting a child just to circumvent rules it's perverse.
- I understand your indecision.
But we've got to decide.
This stuff won't stay fresh.
I know you must think I'm the craziest girl on earth.
- I'm moving to Switzerland.
- Could've given it to the woman cop.
- I'm sorry.
He said it was urgent.
- Mr.
Yorkin? - You didn't do it yet? - No.
Janie decided not to.
I came to tell you that you don't need to.
Excuse me? I was thinking about marriage and things and I decided, in my discretion, to let you marry Michael.
- Oh, really? - For security, only 10 may come.
Oh, my God! Thank you! You know, you really should thank them.
Congratulations.
I can't believe this.
I don't know what to say.
Will you be my bridesmaids? What? It's just that I made a bet that I'd never ever be a bridesmaid again.
Ever.
But sure.
You're a liar, Whipper.
- I'm a liar? - Or let's say "truth-challenged.
" - Smack me with a Fishism.
- Between the eyes.
In the beginning, what you liked in me was that I wouldn't stick.
You didn't want to be tied down.
We both fell in love after that.
If two people prioritize space and fun and freedom, it's fine.
But when they fall in love and still do it, it's pathetic.
You are right, I am a liar.
I am gifted with lying about myself, pretending.
And I can.
If you want to stay back and protected, fine.
Go ahead.
But you won't disrespect me.
I'm only saying this once: I love you more than I have ever loved anybody.
The thing with Janet Reno's neck was a cheap thrill.
I'm sorry.
I never meant to disrespect you.
A few weeks ago, we stood in this room and tried to gloss over commitment phobia by saying, "Let's get past Christmas.
" - Do you remember? - I remember.
Here I stand today.
And I'd like to say: - Let's get past Valentine's Day.
- Richard If I didn't know you loved me, I'd kill you.
What? You're wearing a cup? - You could've kneed me again.
- You're wearing a cup! - Richard! - It's really not that funny.
I don't think it's that funny.
From this day forward, for the rest of your life? I do.
And do you, Michael, take Janie to have, if not hold, for the rest of your life? I do.
By the powers vested in me I now pronounce you, Michael and Janie, husband and wife.
You may kiss.
And make it a good one.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce Mr.
And Mrs.
Michael Young! Another man says "I do," and goes to prison, huh? - Kidding.
- Ha-ha.
We'll be in court to demand the conjugal visit.
I never had a doubt.
Thank you.
Thanks from me too.
Just be a good husband and don't stray.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Secret? Sure.
From now on, I only think of Janie.
But before, back there I don't want to hear it.
No, I didn't imagine myself with you.
I imagined you two.
Together.
With each other.
When I was a teenager I used to kind of fiddle with my sister's dolls Barbie and Midge.
I should be happy that I'm not Skipper.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love you.
- Had to call them all down here.
- Had to be in public.
You stinker!