Ally Mcbeal s02e03 Episode Script

Hello.
Ling.
You're back? - I'm here to see Nelle.
- Certainly.
Who would we be suing today? Ling.
This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.
The disadvantage of magnetism is that you bring people out.
People who would otherwise go unnoticed.
It's a tribute to you.
Let's go to my office to talk.
I'm sorry.
She's just- Yes.
And thank you for defending me so staunchly, Nelle.
Elaine.
- Hi, Georgia.
- What's the matter? Nothing.
It's just that bitchy little thing is back.
Who's she suing now? Maybe her gynecologist pulled the wrong tooth.
Elaine.
That was vicious.
Fools Night Out - You' re kidding! - It's a cosmetic surgery case.
- Why not sue the doctor? - Nurse has more money.
- This is ridiculous.
- T esting.
You should be happy - to get my business.
I'm a plum.
- Suing because her breasts are real? When you say it like that, it sounds silly.
- No- - Georgia? Whenever we get some insane claim, you make me take it.
Two depositions, tops.
Then it will go away.
Your church minister is here.
- Are you available? - Mark? - Sorry to barge in.
- That's okay.
Just do the deposition, then we'll settle.
I'd promise satisfaction if you were capable of happiness.
Go do a nail now.
- It's because of her.
- Ling? Nelle.
Ling gets priority because she's Nelle's client- - That's not fair.
- Suing a nurse for having real breasts.
- If anything, it's Richard.
- Nelle.
What has she done to deserve this reaction? - What has she done? - Yes! What has she done? She showed up.
That's what.
I have a little "Mirror, mirror on the wall" complex.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall"? I know it sounds stupid but all my life I've been the fairest one of all.
- Don't laugh! - I'm not.
And her- Maybe I'm not the best lawyer but I've always felt like the fairest one here.
I'm not proud of saying that, but- And then she arrived and- Hey, guys.
- You had your legs up.
- I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I checked.
Well, maybe they just flew up.
Your "mirror" dropped me from second to third, my legs reacted.
Actually, I knew you were there.
Did you? You could tell by my asparagus diet? - All right.
- Quiet.
" Fairest one of all "? - I wasn't including you.
- Oh, really? Why is that? You're in your own universe.
I refer to the one we all live in.
All right.
Okay.
T ell me what I've missed.
I'm in a situation I can't handle.
What kind of situation? I've been in a relationship- She's married? - Guy? - No! - Sheep? - Can I talk? Go ahead.
She's the music supervisor of our choir.
The one you prevailed upon to sing that "Short People" song.
Lisa, yeah.
- How was she? - Richard, please.
Obviously, we weren't married.
The minister and somebody from the church- Doesn't exactly make me an altar boy.
If you were an altar boy, you'd be with a priest.
What's the big deal? Consenting adults, even unmarried- I would appreciate your letting me get through this.
Of course.
I ended the relationship two months ago.
Since then, the songs she sings for our services, I feel they' re directed at me.
What songs? First they were obscure hymns about lost love and broken hearts.
Lately, she's been doing pop.
- And the congregation? - I don't think they know.
She's a great performer.
She's probably better than my sermons.
What's the problem? This is a church.
I'm afraid to fire her or even demote her.
It may seem retaliatory.
And yet I can't let her keep singing those songs.
- She's hard to shop for.
- Your sister? She has everything.
But I knew she wanted nicer breasts.
She thought hers were small.
So you decided- T o get her implants.
I went to Dr.
Noffle.
We discussed the importance of them feeling natural.
Scars make my sister vasovagal.
He says, " Let me show you some of my work.
" She comes in.
She unveils.
She's full, soft, without a hint of a blemish.
I almost signed up and my breasts are perfect.
Shouldn't you be typing? And you're claiming that you paid for your sister's operation- Based on her full, soft implants.
My sister got little, petrified lumps.
She jumps, they don't move.
The scars? My uncle slit his wrists with more finesse.
But she doesn't have implants.
Hers are real, the total fraud.
Now why haven't you sued the plastic surgeon? He's an empty pocket.
She's collectable.
Type! All right, then.
God so loved the world that he gave his only son- - Why did you bring me? - We're in a church.
- Why am I here? - Because I dragged you.
Don't shush me.
Let us pray.
Lord, help us find the strength to turn away from evil.
T o confront it when it threatens.
T o see it, wherever it shall live.
- Praise the Lord.
Amen.
- Amen! We've all heard the saying that all it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing.
This could get windy.
But before that, we have a hymn.
Say the word.
Come on.
Sing, honey.
Go ahead.
Not exactly a hymn.
It's an anthem.
I like it.
She's singing to you.
- And you.
- You got that.
Feels religious to me.
T ough to fire her.
The people enjoyed it.
This is not right.
You slept with her.
It's sexual harassment.
- I haven't done anything.
- You're a man.
You're liable.
Our relationship ended.
That song wasn't overtly directed at you.
So I let her keep doing this? You need to mediate.
We need someone who speaks the language of loneliness.
Why me? - You can tap into her despair.
- Why? Knowing no matter how long you live, you'll always be alone.
And yet, charging forth.
Never under the assumption it'll get better.
You're the hero she might listen to.
Thanks.
I live to help others cope.
I never said my breasts were artificial.
Ms.
Silverman, you knew he was using you as an example.
- I didn't at first.
- You didn't? I was told that the patients wanted breasts similar to mine- Dr.
Noffle wasn't completely honest with me.
You didn't know? Eventually, it became apparent that he was saying he'd worked on me.
Did that happen this time? It would be a lie to say I didn't suspect.
- Should I lie? - Probably not.
I knew he had done this with other patients.
I'm not shocked to learn he did so here.
We actually have a case.
- Come on.
- Misrepresentation- My client isn't the merchant.
She was part of the fraud.
Your client's sister got breasts that resemble Ms.
Silverman's.
- You've seen them? - Pictures.
Pictures don't tell you how they feel or move.
I might be out of line, but is it possible that Ms.
Woo could err to the litigious side? Why don't we just take a look? Then we can give our client informed advice.
That's a good idea.
Excuse me? - This afternoon? - Right here.
- At 3:00? - See you then.
What? "Let's look"? It was his idea.
Didn't you put up a fight? "Great, 3:00.
" - Georgia- - You are bringing in the two women- - It's evidence.
- Evidence? Let's do a taste test while we're at it.
Is this about Nelle too? It's not about Nelle.
Although I'm sure her breasts are perfect.
Of course, you'd be standing there.
That's the way things work here.
Go pick a stall and hoist your legs.
You'll learn all about us.
Case going well? John.
Oh, Nelle.
How is your day going? How's my day going? Can I ask you something? Your questions make me fraught.
Are we ever going to go out? I don't mean downstairs to the dance floor.
I mean, out.
Cuomo.
We work together.
It's probably a bad idea.
You're a partner.
I'd have that inequality thing to hurdle.
But if you're drawn to me, I do think you're cute.
I don't mean to pressure you.
- Your timing is perfect.
- Why? Sunday services.
My sermon is on God's planet, all nations being one.
World peace through his love.
She's singing about a nuclear bomb.
Well, she's not saying drop it on you.
This is a kind, loving woman.
- Ever since we broke up- - The congregation likes it.
- I can't let her do this.
- I think you're overreacting.
Maybe not.
I won't subject my sister to objectification.
- Don't call me Ling.
- It's your name.
Not with a hard "L" and a hard "G.
" It's a soft name.
Ling.
You say it "Ling," it offends me.
Ling.
Buying your sister breast implants exposed her to objectification.
Bringing suit under the Uniform Commercial Code tends to- I'm deaf to condescension.
I could hear a pin drop.
Richard, I know she's a plum- You don't understand.
Beautifully proportioned.
The shapely can be so blind to the less fortunate.
I wanted my sister to maybe feel like you.
T o walk down the street just once, feeling ample.
Maybe God didn't give you a heart under your perfect breasts.
- Is he suing me? - Not at all.
- He's concerned by your music.
- People say they love it.
So you have shifted your tone since you broke up? It's my only way to deal with the pain.
I express myself through music.
I don't think people notice.
- He does.
- Well, he should.
Do you know what he did? - Relationships end for many reasons.
- Do you know what he did? No.
He changed his heart.
- Excuse me? - That's the full explanation.
We talked of marriage.
We were in love.
Then suddenly, he says, "I've had a change of heart.
" Doesn't wanna see me anymore.
You don't just leave an accident.
You mow somebody down, you stop and check on the victim.
I sing these songs to help me, not to hurt him.
If he doesn't like listening, he can just leave the room.
Don't tell me he can't do that.
He knows how to leave a room, trust me.
- She's still gonna sing? - It works out her pain.
- This is a house of God.
- You're the only one that's bothered.
Why haven't you discussed the breakup? - I did.
I told her- - "Change of heart.
" Did you love her? At one point.
Why did you stop loving her? I don't know.
I just did.
You just did.
- Did you ask yourself why? - Listen- Maybe it was outside forces or you have commitment problems.
Lord knows you must take "Till death do us part" seriously.
- What-? - Did you seek counseling? Did you do anything to explore what caused you to stop loving her? Or just go, " Change of heart.
Bye"? Whose side are you on? Maybe hers.
Where was the warning, Mark? How about, " I'm feeling different"? How about, " I'm not so sure"? Why is it great with men right up until they run? Well, I choose the law too.
But I choose Boston.
It had nothing to do with going to Michigan.
- Mark's very upset.
- Gee, that troubles me.
- You were sent to mediate.
- I got both sides to understand.
- But she's still gonna sing! - I have a plan.
Now get lost! I'm sorry.
I do have a plan.
I'm sorry.
- Next time, just get me a book.
- It won't take long.
They're really nice.
All of them.
What are you? Nearsighted? I'm just looking for the scar.
And the fact that you can't see one is evidence that- - Really nice.
- Hers aren't an issue.
The comparison is certainly an issue.
And come on, these are very good work.
They look the same, but they don't feel the same.
Well, let's see- You're not gonna touch these women.
Neither of you are.
- Jump, Leigh.
Show them how they- - No! This lawsuit is over.
Get dressed.
- You can't- - It's over.
I'm recommending dismissal.
Her breasts are fine.
The fact that they may not look or feel exactly like her breasts- - You had to assume a risk.
- She's suing.
- I paid for them! - It's over, Ling.
Hard " L, " hard "G, " hard times.
If I seem a cold, shapely person, tough.
This case is over.
I thought I hated this firm and then I didn't, but now I do.
She makes eyes at me.
Nelle? She's drawn to me, or I puzzle her.
Could be both.
John, she wants to go out, says you're cute.
A date is possible.
She frightens me.
She could floss her teeth with you, but it could be fun.
The question is, can you date her without falling for her? If yes, great.
If no, don't think about it.
What about Ling? Think it could work out? - I want emotional inaccessibility.
- Why? So when it falls apart, it won't be my failure.
What? When Ally went on that talk show, she looked at me and said, "You only die once.
" Then she marched into danger with a smile.
I think I will date Nelle.
Georgia.
Hey.
Drinking? No.
That's just vodka.
I'm getting ready to drink it.
What's the matter? - Nothing.
- Nothing? Nothing I can talk to you about.
Billy.
Yeah.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
What now? Lisa Knowels.
She was saying how- When men dump women, they speed away like they're fleeing the scene and then it hit me.
Billy didn't go off to Michigan to make law review.
He went to get away from me.
That was just his way of fleeing the scene.
Am I right? I am right.
He didn't have to go that far.
Did he really have to go all the way to Michigan? He met somebody who was at Michigan.
He met you while he was still with me.
I didn't know about you.
- Calm down- - Your lawyers are traitors.
You sue a talk-show host for things he says, a woman- - If you thought they were bad- - Ling! Don't "Ling" me.
I'm tired of being Ling-ed.
Ling.
I admire the way you don't let yourself be pushed around.
Too many people, when they think they've been wronged, walk away.
But something's going on.
You think the world's against you- It's only the people who meet you.
Kidding.
Soot.
Can I offer a piece of psychology? As your friend? You're an unpopular person.
You are.
And it's easier to deal with if you're fighting with everybody.
So you can lay it off on a battle.
Instead of Thank you, Nelle.
That helps.
- She needed to hear it.
- One sec.
Ling.
I do the same thing, in a way.
People never trusted me.
So I began being unscrupulous on purpose and that way I felt in control of people's reactions.
Anyway not everybody dislikes you.
I like you.
Have dinner with me.
I'd like that.
- How could you tell her?! - I didn't.
She figured it out.
- How? - Sometimes a woman just can.
We see things you don't think we see.
What's that mean? I mean I see the sideways glances.
I see the admiring gazes.
- At who? - Jackie Silverman! The woman with the perfect- You've got to be- She didn't do anything for you? But why does that threaten you? Why? Yes! You being threatened says more about you than it does about me.
But it doesn't! The crazy thing is that what's bothering Ally now is what's bothering me.
- Which is? - Which is you can be in love with somebody and yet if someone else walks into the room.
Suddenly- Are you being serious? What am I supposed to tell myself, Billy? That it could never happen with you? It did.
You said yourself that you took one look at me.
One look when you were in love with someone else.
That I was the beneficiary, great.
But what about the next time? I'm not even going to dignify that.
Great.
Don't.
But when Ally comes at you, and I'm sure that she will dignify her complaint, because it's legitimate.
Sing in a bar? This could be something you would really enjoy.
It's a forum.
You need a forum.
If you agree, I've persuaded Mark to talk- I don't need to talk with him.
I thought you did.
He's willing to address the breakup.
- He is? - He says he is.
- I'd be mediator.
- He wants to mediate? No.
He's not saying that.
He's willing to talk about what happened.
From his side.
- A lot of people come to this bar? - Great music at this place.
But it's kind of a more liberal crowd so the pro-nuclear bomb numbers- You know.
It is a good idea to talk with him, right? It's better to know.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is better.
- She said not downstairs.
I'm troubled.
- It's just a date, John.
She's so much woman.
I don't wanna get hit with irregularity.
Plus- - What? - I need your candor.
- If it's wrong, tell me.
- Okay.
I feel short with her.
John, she might like less tall.
Why try to make yourself conventional? If she wanted that, she wouldn't date you.
She might like that you're this bizarre, little oddity.
Go with it, be yourself.
Thank you, Richard.
I'm buoyed.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
You've had the whole night to think about it.
What do you want me to say? Hold on, Lisa.
It's not about you figuring out what she wants to hear.
You can't sail through this like some funeral.
Now what happened? Give her that.
- Was there somebody else? - No.
Then what, Mark? What? It just wasn't you.
It was never going to be you.
You said it was.
Because I wanted to believe it.
I was desperate to.
You're the best woman I've known.
Your values, kindness, your beauty- You're everything I looked for.
When I found you I was sure I'd fall in love.
I kept waiting for it to happen.
But it didn't.
- You never loved me? - No, I do.
I still do.
But I've known greater love with other women.
I knew that marrying you would be the smart thing to do.
You'd be a good mother, a great companion.
Marrying you would have been the most practical thing.
But part of me also would have died inside because- I have no passion for you.
I actually used to pray: "God, let me fall in love with her more.
Let me feel it.
" Should I have told you all that? Do you feel better knowing? - I won't be disparaged.
- I wasn't.
I was dancing.
Barry White? You were hot.
You don't have to rehearse first.
No.
I definitely want to.
I don't need to be humiliated twice in one day.
You don't even have to do it tonight.
Trust me, I need to sing tonight.
After that Are you okay? I think so.
At least I understand it, Ally.
Yeah.
Knowing is good.
You know what the worst thing is? If he hadn't ended it, I'd be married to a man who wasn't in love with me.
- That would be worse.
- Can you imagine? I'm going to go rehearse.
See you down there later? I will be there.
Break a heart.
Leg.
When I considered transferring to Michigan I went to visit.
I met Georgia.
Inside of 10 minutes I knew she was the woman I'd marry.
Nothing happened until after you and I- - You lied.
- I went partly to make law review.
Well, then you're covered.
You said if the truth serves no other purpose than to cause pain- You don't know how much pain it would've spared me.
I don't understand.
It's not like you lost something today that you had yesterday.
Yesterday, I believed in something.
I'm not ashamed of wanting somebody to love.
I never have been because I had it once and it was everything.
But maybe I never really had it.
Yeah you did.
Well It's like you say, it was years ago.
It doesn't really matter.
I wish I had done things differently.
Billy.
I'm fine.
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