Ally Mcbeal s02e07 Episode Script

Happy Trails

John, good to see you.
What's up? - Everything okay with Ling? - You're in my stall.
- And Whipper.
How is she? - John I'm going to kiss her.
- Whipper? - Nelle.
- And? - I'm fraught.
Ling placed much import on the first kiss.
Nelle may do the same.
- You're in my stall.
- Could you- What were Ling's instructions specifically? Well The first thing is the head tilt.
- The what? - Head tilt.
Ling said it's bad to go nose-to-nose.
Look at us, the anxiety over a kiss.
Like a couple of teenagers.
Gay teenagers.
My pants are down.
The lips should be soft and poised.
You'll wanna lick first.
- Lick? - Don't dry-lip her.
- What about my secretion problem? - Make it a strength.
Hear the bells.
- Do you hear them? - I think I do.
- I know I do.
- Ding.
It was wrong to have popped in.
Happy Trails - I need time sheets.
- They're for real lawyers.
- Do you see me work? - That's funny.
Richard's peeved, he wants them.
- I'll do them.
- And when you do Give it to me.
- What? - Bad date.
Get rid of him.
- Hi.
- May I help you? - Is Allison in? - Allison? McBeal.
I'm a suitor.
Ross Fitzsimmons.
Tell her Fitzy's here, huh? - Fitzy.
How do I say this? - What? "Ally-son.
" She, she died.
It was awful.
She was- - Is that her leg? - What? Oh, yes.
The cops said not to move her.
They're bringing the chalk.
She was murdered.
- Nice game.
- Oh, Ally! You're alive.
Very, very funny.
I'm just glad to see that you're okay.
I'm not falling for that lesbian trick.
Think you're the first I've courted who pretended to be dead or gay? Get in line.
- Does this mean it was a bad date? - Well, Fitzy.
Uh- - You judge on looks.
- I do not.
- What about personality? - Great.
Get one.
I'm sorry.
John? Crickets? He loves them.
I'd always have them on Thanksgiving with cranberry.
- Nuts.
- Doesn't like nuts.
No, you're nuts.
You got bugs on a stereo.
He's gone, coma.
This Thanksgiving, he's the vegetable.
- Any change? - No.
Could you both leave? You're callous and you assault him.
- I don't.
- You threw him into the door.
- To get him off.
- You hit him.
- What? - You swatted him.
I didn't swat him.
I defended myself.
You swatted him! You picked up a file and you- Gone now.
Feel free to gawk.
I'm used to it.
- We don't mean to.
It's just- - I'm orange.
- How'd this- - Who knows? Some doctors say it's the sun or I ate too many carrots.
Some say genetic disposition.
This is permanent and I lost my job because of it.
People wanna stare at me when I walk.
Children recoil a bit.
What can I do? But I perform my job well.
And I still get fired just because - Ling! Hi, welcome.
- I ignore those who don't matter.
If you want Nelle, she's in John's office.
Also, if I can help, I know you're hurt and it's just that I wanna be a part of it.
You help by being there.
Whatever my pain, I take heart in not being you.
That was very good.
You know you're my favorite vicious person in life? He's on the ledge.
- Hey.
- Call the fire department.
They'll rush over.
- Can he climb? - No.
He's afraid of heights.
How? He's a tree frog.
He has sticky hands- Never mind.
Get me a box.
I'd better not get a wart.
- How do you say yes to a date? - I'm kissing Elaine, and then I- - Where will you go? - Someplace dark.
You are coming too.
You're why I met him.
- And the least you can do is- - Ally.
- See? He can't even startle you.
- Renee.
I brought you the itinerary.
- Itinerary? - For our date.
Hello? You gotta be- Ooh, karaoke! I'm very good.
Hop in the box, we'll pull you up.
You have to trust me.
Trust! How? He's been flushed, filed, smacked.
He's abused.
He looks like a jumper.
Is he depressed? I know it's easy to laugh.
I appreciate you not doing so.
- Bite my head off.
- Look, look! He- He- He's moving.
Got him.
Give me some room.
- Easy, easy.
- He's annoying me! There.
Can we talk now? You're alive.
You're awake.
You're back.
You're mental.
- Whipper! - Hi, Elaine.
I heard about the incident.
If you need to talk- That's why I'm here, to extract comfort from you.
The naked woman is here.
She's disguised in clothes.
- We never officially met.
- What's going on? This is the naked nude thing I told you about.
I saw her buttocks.
They upset me.
Look at her hair.
What brings you? Hi.
You look great.
Why? What's? - Richard, I came to apologize.
- Wait.
Not everyone's here.
Elaine! It was just very wrong of me to have Here's your key.
I shouldn't have done it.
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear an apology to me! I'm sure that some people refuse to see a black travel agent.
Does that make it okay to fire him? I object to calling this discrimination.
- I'm not.
- You did.
The law doesn't say don't discriminate against blacks.
It says color.
She was fired for being orange.
- Are there more? - Excuse me? Orange people.
That's not relevant.
One day people from another planet will land on Earth and ask me to bestow them their civil rights.
- I figured they'd be green.
- Your Honor! People sometimes think I'm an alien.
Behind my back they call me "Yoda.
" - I try to rise above it.
- Miss Poole is not an alien.
She's asking you to say it's not okay for her to be fired because of color.
Will you step up here? Let me see your teeth.
How'd it happen? You saw.
How'd I agree to a date? - Why'd you date him? - Renee's friend.
I'd call it off now, but that'd fuel his passive-aggressiveness.
I'll go through with it.
I'll tell him he had his chance and that's it.
It's nice to be nice.
I believe in it.
But sometimes you gotta dump them.
- Give this guy the bin.
- You're such a sage.
There are things I know.
You pretended to be dead.
He liked it.
You gotta dump him.
It's what these bastards understand.
Conflicting thoughts have spun through my head.
It is his business, but firing someone for skin color and I think you' re a nice color.
There've been many times I wished my wife glowed in the dark.
It'd be easier to see what I was doing.
This case isn't about color, and I'm impotent.
I mean the law is impotent to protect you.
Your Honor? Judge Boyle? Call the paramedics! Your Honor! Judge Boyle? Happy? Call the paramedics! - He's got no pulse.
- What? - I think he's dead.
- Can't be.
He is! He's dead! - Who won? - Hey! Dead dead? Oh, my God.
Which way did he rule? Happy Boyle.
- What'd he die of? - Said he was impotent.
- Soy sauce? - I liked Happy Boyle.
- I'd like to take a moment.
- Yes.
Cooked bad? Everything's fine.
Somebody's dead.
Could they feed Stefan? Maybe a little lettuce or something.
He's giving me a look of famish.
Bring him right back.
He gets separation anxiety.
- What? - What? Judge Boyle died.
He did? That's a tragedy, right? We should leave! Did he grab his chest? No.
He was giving his ruling.
Then he looked like he was falling asleep.
He just closed his eyes, and his head dropped.
Billy? He just went.
He was there, then he was gone.
Can I see him? We were friends.
Why did you go and do this, Happy? You shouldn't have done this.
Are you okay? Yeah.
He never struck me as happy.
He was.
People thought he was a grump so he nicknamed himself "Happy.
" Smart little guy.
Could you ask him to bring Stefan back? He has separation problems.
What's up? He's going to be taking a big moment, that's all I can say.
Whoa- What's going on? The bad news is Stefan is back.
The good news is he's delicious.
Tastes like chicken.
I didn't even know him really.
Why do I miss him so much? There was something there.
Some judges sit there, so I don't know, so cold.
Happy Boyle.
There was something human there.
I remember my first time.
Show me your teeth.
- Beg your pardon? - Hygiene is important.
Show me your teeth.
I remember my first time too.
My second trial.
I was so nervous.
I overdid it.
I can't believe he's gone.
I never knew you cared so much about him.
Neither did I.
Did I miss something? - Sorry.
Somebody I knew died- - So you went to get chalk? I was gonna call but- Okay, time for us to have a little chat.
I throw myself at men figuring once in a while something'll stick.
I play the game.
I know the game.
I enjoy the game.
Mostly when I compete out of my league.
Like you're doing.
I have the sense on occasions that I go splat not to hurl myself again.
There's a difference between losing and being a loser who on some level, seeks out defeat.
That's what you're doing with Ally.
It's time to take a bite out of reality.
Look at Ally.
Is she not beautiful? Is she not smart or sophisticated? Is she not all those things, Fitzy? I want you to go.
Go home.
Write yourself a letter starting, " Fitzy, what were you thinking? " Now go.
That's the way to dump somebody, Ally.
Wrong chambers again, Happy.
Oh, damn.
I don't know why I keep walking in a door too soon.
One day, I'm apt to come in and catch you naked.
You'd ask to see my teeth.
Good catching up with you.
- I am sorry.
- Forget about it.
I just wish I'd walked in.
Ling said you looked incredible.
He used to come in here three times a week.
He'd pick the wrong door.
We'd talk for an hour or two.
He talked about his cases.
All about the characters that would appear before him that day.
I'm gonna miss him.
Me too.
If I was going to have a homosexual experience- Look at that wattle.
Richard, your clergy friend Mark.
Could I borrow his chapel? Happy's memorial's been left to me.
- I'm sure it'll be okay.
- Thanks.
So everything otherwise okay? Sure.
People come, people go, huh? Seems so.
Hey! Just came in to disparage you.
Any reason you're hopping about? It's a form of smile therapy.
Physical optimism induces emotional well-being.
- I'd rather not- - Sit.
His number was up, John.
The toilet, the door, the window, the chopsticks They called his number.
We don't know why God does what he does.
His ways are mysterious.
All we know for sure he seems to hate frogs as much as I do.
- Could I be alone? - Sure.
For what it's worth I didn't find him delicious at all.
I thought he was a little tough.
John? First, the toilet.
Then, he fights back up into the bowl to find, well, you know.
Unfresh Then Nelle and Georgia play catch until the door and splat! And the little legs twitching.
And then the chest compressions! Then the respirator! Then we think he's never gonna come back.
He's in a coma for a week! He doesn't give up.
He battles back to consciousness.
- Then I launch him out a window.
- And Ling gets him with a box.
Then we go out to celebrate.
And we eat him! - He's dead now, boy.
- Oh, he's so dead! - And now we are laughing.
- Chop Suey Frog.
No, you're laughing.
My best friend is dead and you're laughing.
He's lucky.
People are sick.
They just laugh at tragedy.
Stefan was too good for this world! Yeah, he's lucky to be gone! The world is full of weird people.
- Just figure that out? - Why aren't we told? Why not tell us in kindergarten people are odd? Then we wouldn't feel bad about growing up strange.
We would be more tolerant of the strange.
Where is this going? You think that I was too quick to judge Fitzy? - Excuse me? - Think about it.
He can't be any stranger than John Cage or Richard Fish.
Or Happy Boyle- He was really beloved.
By who? Everyone who knew him.
Even me! I- I- Well, it- It hurts that he's gone.
Don't ask me why.
I don't- Won't you miss him? Yeah.
What's this got to do with Fitzy? I'm just saying- I don't know.
We're brainwashed to believe the best people are normal.
And maybe they're not.
John Cages and Happy Boyles, maybe they' re the real nuggets.
Maybe we' re missing out, skipping the Fitzies.
Look at us! Clearly, we' re missing out on something.
Members of the jury our witness has a small piece of spinach caught in an incisor.
When oral decay builds up between the teeth bacteria starts to build up colonies.
Even the most nutritious vegetable can turn into a Vietnam.
What' re you thinking about? Happy.
He used to invite me to lunch.
I always wanted to go, and I always ended up postponing.
- Think you rescheduled him to death? - That isn't very funny, Georgia.
Billy? He was a wacky little judge who amused us.
What's this about? It's about he's dead.
He's gone.
- Like your dad's gone? - What? Happy was just someone I knew.
He was hardly a father figure.
You and your dad You always planned to get together tomorrow, next week, next month - and suddenly he died.
- It isn't about that.
I'm just talking about Happy Boyle.
He was a good guy.
This isn't about my father.
Why are you going? - It's the least we can do.
- That woman is doing the eulogy.
- Ling- - Don't "Ling" me! We loved him.
We want to say goodbye.
- John.
- Richard, Ling Do these make my b-u-t-t look bigger? Big date with Nelle.
I think they're fine.
They're fine, right? - I have news on Fitzy.
- Now what? - He's in your office.
- Thank you, Elaine.
I just came by to say sorry.
Can we talk? Do you have a second? It won't take long.
Could you excuse us for a minute, Elaine? Certainly.
One second.
- You hurt my arm.
- Show him the bin! - Elaine! - Don't "Elaine" me.
The bin, Ally.
Uh, Fitz- I never meant to make you uncomfortable.
My favorite story is "Beauty and Beast.
" Something told me you might share that sense of romance.
I'm just sorry we never got that dance.
- You' re trying again.
- Excuse me? Elaine's right.
You're taking one last shot with Disney.
The thing is I get the sense underneath it all you're a woman who prioritizes you know- Sex.
Despite my apparent shortcomings I think things would net out for you.
You may be a really great guy and maybe I should take the time to discover whether or not you are a really great guy.
But I'm not gonna take that time.
I never want to see you again.
Ever! It's too bad.
Something told me you might be the one.
Not everybody gets the one.
- Come on.
We' re late.
It started.
- In a second.
I'm not perfect.
Ling, it's a funeral.
Why go? We didn't know the corpse.
I have a line Out of respect to our friends who did know him.
Your friends care about the little people.
It's demeaning! He used to say that it's either the circus or the legal system and there's too much tooth decay under the big top.
So sweet.
He used to wander into my office now and then.
He claimed by mistake, but it never was.
One thing about Happy Boyle.
He had a certain radar for people who could maybe use some company.
I once asked him, " Happy, what would you like your legacy to be? " He said, that by the time he died he hoped it mattered that he lived.
And judging from this room today I don't know why I'm crying.
I knew him, but I didn't know him, you know, that well.
I- Excuse me, thank you.
I didn't know him that well, either.
And I think many of us here were caught off guard by the void he's left.
And little that I did know, I'm left with the feeling this was a person we should have known better.
That makes the hurt worse the sense that he's gone before we could He made us smile, didn't he? There are three things we could do to make Happy happy.
First call someone you should have called and tell them how you feel.
Second, go to lunch with someone you want to know better.
And third the man lying there.
Show him your teeth.
- It was the best funeral I've been to.
- Really? Why? I'm not sure.
Maybe because he deserved celebration.
- Is this a segue into Stefan? - You didn't get it with us, did you? I got it that he was important.
I don't need the reason.
Why can't people understand I'm drawn to a frog? People don't understand attractions sometimes, do they? Do you want to come in? Not tonight.
Another time, perhaps.
Lake George.
If you' re not coming in, we should say good night here.
I want to thank- You've been a pillar of support- I'm sorry but I'm not gonna wait for you to kiss me anymore.
Call me a tramp.
- Think we can do that again sometime? - Sure.
- Night.
- Night.
You stinker! SDl Media Group
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