Ally Mcbeal s02e23 Episode Script

I Know Him By Heart

Get out! - Ally- - No.
Get out.
I Know Him by Heart All right, what? - You look at me like I'm from Mars.
- I'm not- Don't deny it.
Just come clean.
All right.
I'm worried about you, that's what.
- Why are you worried? - Who gets haunted by Al Green? You know that I have fantasies.
You got Al Green in court.
Now he's in your room.
It should be Marilyn Manson? You know what I mean.
You thought he was really there.
- No, I'd never be that lucky.
- Lucky to be with Al Green? Lucky to be with anybody who can sing my life, my heart.
- Which is? - Broken.
Yes, Renee, broken.
I don't mean by Billy or Greg or any man in particular.
It's just one gigantic stress fracture.
Do me a favor.
Call Elaine and say I won't be at work today.
Or tomorrow or the day after that.
Why? Because I'm staying in my room where life is beautiful.
I'm worried.
She's got Al Green singing at her.
- She won't come out.
- What's she doing? Not that.
This isn't her normal fantasy life- - What's going on? - Ally's cracking up.
- She's in her room now? - Yes.
- Is she naked? - No.
John, you seem to connect better with her than anyone with this stuff.
You're just as weird.
More so, even.
I tried to talk to her, but she dismisses me as normal.
She seems to respond better to nuts.
- I should talk to her.
- Why? - It's time she heard common sense.
- And that would come from you? What would you do, John? Go over there and - I heard that.
Barry White.
- Exactly.
If we wanted a cracker, you'd go.
But for common sense, I should go.
I'd send Billy, but he might kiss her.
If she behaves like a kid, why do we have to get involved? Because that's what friends do, Nelle.
- I'm not her friend.
- Then beat it.
You like to intimidate.
I'm shaking so much I look like your vibrator.
- All right.
- I'll go.
- No, you won't.
- Peanut.
I'll go.
Like Nelle says, enough is enough! - Enough of what? - The "I'm lonely" stuff.
- Enough of what? - The "I'm lonely" stuff.
Did I ask for advice? Did I ask you to come? If I waited for an invitation to a girl's bedroom, I'd never see it.
Yours disappoints me.
The point is, I don't wait, I do.
That's your problem.
You don't do, you wait.
Look at you, waiting for the right guy to come along.
Girls wait for the right guy.
When it doesn't happen, it's back to their room.
Some dream about Al Green.
Others go, "Mirror, mirror, what went wrong? " You gotta go and grab a guy.
It's why God gave man the handle for women to latch on to.
- God gave man the handle? - Suck it up.
Get a grip.
I don't want to be with anybody now.
I'm concentrating on my career.
- Can I speak to you in private? - We are in private.
Right, I forget.
It's just my bedroom with the cameras.
No, here's the thing.
You need a guy, you want sex.
You need a man to fulfill your needs and you feel bad.
You think that makes you weak when every woman is like you.
They're all weak.
God made you that way.
Don't deny it.
Be proud.
You're not strange or different.
"I am woman, hear me whimper.
" You're trying to give me a Ling stare, aren't you? It's cute.
I'm daunted.
While I'm here, a little knee pit as a pick-me-up.
I want you to leave.
It is easier for me to pretend that you don't exist if you are out of my eye line.
Bugger! Renee, you still looking for that catcher's mitt? What's going on? Did you send him here? - No.
- Richard, goodbye! - You told them you were worried? - Actually, I went to tell the Biscuit.
I can't take a day off? That's a big crisis? - Ever since that case last week- - What case? The case where the woman made up her lover.
You've crossed the divider into hallucinations.
I admit, I don't get your imaginary world.
But what I do know, you've always been in control of it.
Until now.
Now, you seem lost.
That's ridiculous.
Are you lost? T ell me what you're thinking right this second.
This woman in that case, she made the guy up.
And so did I, or I have, I guess.
Every time I hear a love song on the radio or movie I tap into this guy who I've never met, but I know is out there.
But he's not out there.
And I guess I'm finally starting to deal with that.
John Cage told me- John, do you know? John, he knows me.
Somehow he What'd he say? He said that the only world that wouldn't disappoint me would be the one I make up.
And I think the problem is that I have always fought against realizing that.
I had my ear to the door.
I heard some of that nonsense Richard Fish was saying.
But one thing he did say about not waiting for the guy, on that he's right.
Starting tomorrow, you and I both are going to be dating machines.
They' re out there.
We gotta go get them and that's what we'll do.
- Dating? - Absolutely.
- What about my hair? I can't.
- It's doing great.
Trust me, okay? They're out there.
Oh, Ally, hello.
- You're looking well.
- Thank you, John.
- How's everything? - Fine.
- With you? - Fine.
What? Sorry.
You didn't deserve that.
- But why should that stop you? - It's just People are saying hi to me like I don't know.
- Like you're an escaped mental patient? - Yes, Elaine.
Something like that.
Ally, hi! How you doing? Okay, that does it.
Ling, can I speak to you in private? - Sure, that'd be fun.
- And cut out the nice.
Okay, I know you do hair.
Do you do makeup? Look at me.
Is my face not flawless? Is that "Yes, you do makeup" or "No, because you don't need it"? I don't need makeup, but, yes, I do it.
Could you? I've decided to put myself out there.
I am going to date every guy I can, under the theory, "You never know.
" And I would like to look my best.
- Would you do me? - Would I do you? What? Ally, I have a friend.
We won't mention any names.
She's not good with men either.
She couldn't figure it out.
She wanted to find someone or someone to find her, until she realized maybe instead of a man, she should be looking for a woman.
Well, I'm looking for a man.
Have you ever been with a woman? No.
Have you? My friend, she thought the idea ridiculous.
Until she realized men don't really know how a woman likes to be touched.
Only a woman can really know.
So one night my friend, she let herself.
- Let herself? - Be touched by another woman.
It was so knowing.
And it wasn't until that point that my friend had any idea.
Any idea at all.
Oh, well I'm happy for her.
Stick out your finger.
Why? Please? Could I just lick it, just to try something? Well, okay.
- Gross! - What's going on? I tricked her to see if she's a lesbian.
I think she is.
I am not a lesbian! You think all lesbians are vicious.
No, no, I don't.
You know, I wrote letters to ABC when they canceled Ellen.
- You hate lesbians.
- I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
I swear, I don't.
I wish there were more, because then there'd be more men to go around Why are you here? I have a matter.
Fish is representing me.
What sort of matter? Well, I'm trying to have a baby.
My insurance company is refusing coverage of the fertilization process.
So I'm suing them.
Oh, well! Good luck.
Thank you.
Watch out! John? John? John, are you all right? Yes.
I'm gathering some air.
I'm sorry.
- It's quite all right.
I was errant.
- You seem kind of limp.
No, I'm fine.
Are you? Yes.
Why are you looking at me like that? Ally, I'm going to ask you something and please don't drop me, okay? Actually I won't ask you anything.
I'll opt to tell you something.
Your eyes have looked dead to me lately.
They've lost that optimism that you had even when you were crying.
It's like the hope has drained right out.
You promised.
You tell me that I can only be happy in a pretend world.
You tell me the guy I'm looking for isn't out there.
Who do you think drained me of all the hope? - I apologize.
- But you're wrong.
Renee and I are gonna go on a mad dating spree and the guy out there looking for me, I'll find him.
I gotta stand over the toilet with a sieve to catch it.
The joy of hearing that " plunk.
" I looked down, know what I saw? - Your kidney stone? - Size of a pea.
I don't know what feminism even means.
The girls I know, they want you to get the door and pick up the tab but ask them to rinse a few dishes and it's "Whoa, I'm a feminist.
" What? They like dirty plates? We've dated everybody.
He isn't out there.
We've only done New England.
- Seriously, there are no good men.
- Yes, there are.
- Where are they, then? - At home with their wives.
Time to go home.
You coming? No, I've actually got some work.
I'll see you later.
Men are out there.
The good ones don't go to bars.
Where do they go? All over.
Want me to bring you some? - Excuse me? - I'll round some up.
Oh, right.
From your escort service.
No, just men, the ones out there.
On my way to work, I'll ask the cute ones to come over.
You'll walk up to them and ask them to come over? Yes.
- And you think they'll follow you? - If I ask them to.
They'll just come over if you ask.
Just like that! I don't even have to ask.
If I look at a man, he'll come.
Fine, Ling.
You round up the cute men and I'll pick.
I don't become him.
I let him pass through me.
The confidence, the optimism.
I let his spirit fill me.
Try it.
It feels silly.
It is silly, but once I let myself feel the change, it emanates from me.
Yeah, and women, they love me now.
They do? Just watch.
She doesn't count.
She likes anything in pants.
- What's up? - We were discussing body therapy.
Can we talk? Yeah, all right.
- What is that about? - I'll find out for you.
How's the case? My deposition's starting.
I'll know better after.
Well, good.
Good luck.
- I don't like how she runs to you.
- She doesn't run to me.
She does.
She uses you, John.
Every time she feels some emotional- She's a friend.
Is that concept foreign? No.
I get the concepts.
It's usually a two-way thing.
- It's only about her.
- With Ally, everything's about her.
And everybody tolerates it.
She's in a crisis because she may not find the perfect mate? She can't settle like everybody else? Don't you get fed up with her? - You think everybody settles for less? - Of course.
- Have you? - I'm not talking about you and me.
I am.
Have you settled for less with me? - I don't really feel settled at all.
- Nice dodge.
- You're the one dodging the issue.
- What issue? About Ally running to you every time she needs a little heart rub.
I'm sorry.
When you have a second? He has one now.
- Is she upset? - Well, she just What? I think she feels threatened because I connect with your imaginary life.
Do you connect with it? I think I probably understand it better than most.
Do you? Do you think that I am crazy if I retreat into my room and? Never mind.
What do you do in your room? Do you see him? Sometimes I imagine taking a long walk with him next to me.
Or sitting by a fire or a merry-go-round, that's my favorite.
Merry-go-round? Women and riding horses? We' re not on the horses, we' re in a carriage.
Probably a Cinderella thing.
I don't know.
- I pitched a no-hitter in my room.
- What? When I was 9, I got cut from Little League.
And I went home.
I cried for days.
And I started my own imaginary Little League in my room.
I got to pitch even.
I still lost most of the time.
Esteem problems.
But one day in July, it was a hot day I pitched a no-hitter.
I remember every batter like it was yesterday.
In your room? In my room or not, the memory is as real as any from childhood.
And it was wonderful.
Nothing crazy about it.
Thank you.
- Bygones.
- Bygones for what? Whatever.
I need your help.
Margaret Camaro hired us.
I heard.
Imagine, bulldog like that wanting offspring.
Could you sit in on the deposition? Ling did her roundup.
Your men'll be here at noon.
She said she'd do your hair if you want.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize this stall was taken.
Did the locked door give you a hint? Well, sometimes they stick.
While I'm here, I couldn't help but notice you're upset.
I'm here for you.
I'm upset because you're here.
Could you get out? It's hard for women who aren't vulnerable by nature to open up.
If you don't get out, I'll dig my heel in your shin.
You're internalizing now.
If you need- Close the door! That bitch! Get out! I'm trying to go to the bathroom! Just get out.
Your client has covered infertility for other employees.
- With me, they deny it.
- Have you been diagnosed infertile? I tried artificial insemination six times.
Each time the sperm rejected me.
That is evidence of infertility.
Have you ever tried getting pregnant the old-fashioned way? Why should I have to do that? That is the most efficient way of fertilizing the egg.
The age of technology.
Now suddenly, we' re fans of old-fashioned.
- Ms.
Camaro- Is that your real name? - Yes.
Before you petition an insurance company to pay for you to get pregnant you should perhaps give it the old college try.
With a man? I object to opposing counsel hitting on my client.
Where's the judge? I shouldn't have to give it a college try.
What message does that send? I should put out a call for men to come fertilize my eggs? Think of the lines.
- I'll talk to them and get back to you.
- Great.
Ally, your men are here.
Hurry up and pick one.
They followed me home.
Hurry up.
Go choose.
- I'm Ally.
- I'm Joe.
- Are we gonna talk or slam doors? - It was a bathroom! I wanted privacy.
- What is going on? - I dislike your friendship with Ally.
The next time she comes in for help, ask her to leave.
Through the window! You don't like her.
I don't.
Which makes your friendship a problem.
I don't like her influence on you.
- Her influence-? - It's okay to live in fantasyland.
It's romantic to hold out for Prince Charming.
Everybody has a soul mate.
- Because you don't believe in that? - I did once.
And then I turned 9.
If she wants to retreat inside her child whimsy, fine but you do that too and that's why I don't like her influence.
If that makes me a subzero ice queen, fine.
Maybe I'm not your type.
- You're jealous.
- Gee, where'd you get that idea? - This anger is not attractive.
- T oo bad.
Poop! Get out.
And that smile therapy thing hate that.
- You rejected all of them? - Well Do I really want to be with a guy who you can round up off the street? It was a mass rejection.
The guy I wanna meet won't respond to a cattle call.
I said you were beautiful.
If your man has a dumbstick, he'd respond.
You think you'll just bump into him? You're looking for a mate, he's looking to mate.
I feel really sorry for you.
Because it's hard being perfect? You have such a low opinion of men and such little faith in relationships what guy will you end up with? - Crouton? - You don't want to meet anybody.
Nobody can measure up to your dream so you pretend you haven't met him yet.
I'll meet him, Ling.
- Why do you have to? - You should talk, Margaret! - Why can't I talk? - John, excellent- - No! - You haven't heard- - The answer is no.
- What's wrong? We can share.
I don't feel like sharing, okay? Would you-? Pecker! Make fun of that! I got it! Pecker! Well, it's action-packed here.
Feeds us.
- Why don't I get to talk? - Because you're a fraud, Margaret.
I'm a fraud? Suing an insurance company? So infertility makes a woman disabled? You can't have a baby, so you're disabled? Don't pass yourself off as a feminist.
Why do you even want a baby, Margaret? It feels like a trick question.
Because at the end of the day, you don't feel whole alone.
You need to love another person.
So do I.
I don't condemn you for that.
I reject the notion that your life is empty if you don't have a man.
It's only half-empty.
I had the same dreams you did.
Thought I'd meet a man, get married.
T alk about illusions.
I went to see The Wizard of Oz.
Came out with a crush on Dorothy.
You know that case last week, the woman with the made-up lover? I looked at her as kind of pathetic.
And I realize that it's Are you okay? I think I need to go home, to my bedroom.
- I have a baseball game.
- Baseball game? No-hitter.
I need to pitch.
Can't I even play baseball? I thought that you would like that! I'm sorry.
You seem a little mentally off.
No, I'm just distracted.
I have a date tonight.
- We have a problem with John.
- Now what? He's in the unisex and he keeps dismounting.
Nobody can get near a stall with him whipping about.
I'm trapped.
- John, come down.
- When I'm ready.
- You're obstructing a public way.
- John, get down now.
- I was errant.
- Everybody out.
Go, go, go! Unless you'd like me to do the other shin.
Anger may not be any more attractive on you, but it's more exciting.
You made fun of my stuttering and my smile therapy.
You' re a mean woman.
- No, no.
I was angry and threatened.
- Why? You and Ally connect on a very odd but fundamental level.
This notion of waiting for the one person who is all things.
I think I'm afraid if you do that, I'm not that person.
I mean, I don't want children, you do.
This inner-world thing, I don't share that.
And Barry White? I don't believe in two people interlocking in every way and this Ally "it takes two to make one" mindset makes me vomit.
Why bother with each other if we' re so different? I want to be with someone different from me.
Differences can be fatal.
Yeah, but why can't two people grow together? Meet in the middle.
I can appreciate your likes and vice versa.
I could get you interested in museums maybe? Name something you want me to do.
Pick one thing right now.
I'll work on it.
- Oh, God! - That one's nonnegotiable.
- I like him- - I need you to love him.
I'm beginning to love you! Don't you get that? And every time she comes running to you it just makes me insecure that you'll run to her.
I'm not running anywhere, Nelle.
You gave me a frog.
You gave me Barry White.
- You gave me oral- - Right.
All in the same year.
I'm not going anywhere.
And I'm beginning to love you too.
You stinker! SDl Media Group
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