Ally Mcbeal s04e05 Episode Script

The Last Virgin

Previously on Ally McBeal: I'm here to hire you.
Hire me? I'm suing you for defamation, bitch! It makes sense to hire outside counsel.
I'm disappointed you've become such a coarse person.
I assume you checked me out? May you never find a man.
Why'd you hire Larry Paul? He's just, he's just, you know yummy.
Let her apologize, and let us all move on.
Sorry, Kimmie.
Hi, Ally.
You know Larry? Yes, I do.
You two stay out late last night? I didn't check my watch.
This case is over, you can go now.
I don't want to.
I want you to ditch the father-and-son act.
- We can have dinner tonight.
- Done.
It happened that fast.
The first kiss happens at the end of the date.
So if you're drinking alcohol, remember not to consume too much.
Physical precipitors often include handholding, the touch of a shoulder.
More shy men stand back.
But this is not to be construed as disinterest.
It is important that you never fold your arms for this is perceived as a signal that you choose not to be kissed.
If you've been eating a mint be sure to remove it to avoid awkwardness and excess secretion.
Moist, but not wet lips are preferable.
Dry mouth is often a problem, which makes conversation difficult.
What in God's name? Hi, Renee, just watching a little tube.
I saw what you're watching.
What is that? Oh, um You know, it's just an instructional video on kissing.
There was nothing else on, so I threw it in.
An instructional video on kissing.
Sometimes I do dumb things to see if you'll notice.
- Ally.
- Tomorrow is my third date with Larry.
The big third date.
And you think you'll kiss? Well, third date, Renee.
Ally, on the third date you're supposed to sleep together.
That's funny, that's funny.
Can't I be nervous about my first kiss? Girls often do get nervous, Ally.
But you're 30.
Why are you watching a video? Well because I think I've forgotten how.
Forgotten how to kiss? And that thing you heard about dry mouth? It happens to me, my mouth turns to sand when I'm nervous.
I'm telling you, I feel like I've never kissed a man.
And if I have, I have totally forgotten.
As he moves forward, it's important to show you're receptive.
Many shy men, if they feel a lack of reciprocal interest will veer off and peck the cheek.
To indicate that his advance is welcome, tilt your head.
Open your lips slightly, but do not expose your tongue.
At this point, be sure to close your eyes, let his lips gently meet yours.
Find his upper lip with your lower, and make a sound to indicate pleasure.
I've been down this road The Last Virgin Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Oh, Kimmie.
- This is really embarrassing.
- Okay? Six months ago, I was removed from the partnership track.
I'm humiliated.
I work at another law firm but I sued Cole and Nieber, out of principle.
My trial starts tomorrow.
My attorney, Greg Harrid, who you met, was going to handle it.
He suddenly became unavailable yesterday.
The day before the trial? I was thinking of hiring you! Me? Well Gee.
Your firm comes highly recommended.
I'm told you have experience with this mean judge.
And another variable.
Which is? The defendants also changed counsel.
I assume the switch They hired that man, Larry! Larry Paul, my, my, um my, uh, lawyer? Why not? Your case is over, no conflict.
Technically, Larry Paul and I are personally.
Have you slept with him? Like that.
Just because you two are involved doesn't mean you can't square off in court.
She wants me.
You can second chair.
John, can you meet her? I suppose.
I don't think it's a good idea.
I am dating Larry Paul.
There're reasons pro and con.
But what does everything come down to? - Say it with me, John.
- Money.
As senior partner, I have the duty to make as much of it as I can.
Not for me, but trickle-down.
You, Mark, Nelle, Ling.
How can I get loyalty if I don't look out for them? You go to Kimmie and get that retainer.
We have a brotherhood here.
Off you go.
How're you doing, buddy? Fine.
Well You took the case? Richard did.
I'd only be second chairing.
But do you think that it's too dangerous? Usually, I like to get more dates in before it turns to war.
If you're not comfortable, say so.
What if I beat you? I don't mean with a hairbrush.
What if I beat you? I don't know.
I'd be impressed, your client is Kimmie.
Yeah, I keep blocking that out.
Seriously, Larry, would you be okay with it? Tell me what you're thinking.
It's too embarrassing.
- Oh, come on, just tell me.
- Okay, I'm really I'm just gonna say it.
For whatever reason, I'm really self-conscious about my butt and how you stare at it.
It could be distracting.
Well, what if I promise I won't stare at it? I do not stare at your Got you.
That's okay, I stare at yours.
You do? Why? Two for me.
Can we just deal with the question? I'm not a lawyer who likes to get adversarial with opponents.
It's okay with me if you want to represent Kimmie.
- Sure? - Yes, but can I ask you one thing? - What? - Do you know what this case is about? She was denied partnership.
Yes, but do you know the reason she was denied? For being a prude? They said it was values.
The problem is, I have them.
What was the exact wording they used? I couldn't get along with others.
That I was a bit too puritanical to fit in.
They ever say you should loosen up sexually? Why do you do that with your mouth? A bad experience with lip bristle.
The memory of it recently resurfaced.
I have a twitch in my eye.
It comes out when I'm very nervous.
It's in my complaint.
After they fired me, I twitched for a week.
It was awful.
I'd come home, look at my answering machine think I had messages, only to discover it was me that was blinking.
At first blush, this seems like a difficult case to make.
And it should really command all of our focus.
Yours is cute.
It's like a little hamster.
He's cute.
Ling, hey, hi.
What's the catch? No catch, just wanted to say hi.
Ling, do you remember that time that we kissed? - What about it? Well, I'm not looking to go there again, so don't worry.
But you, well You're a pretty good kisser.
Why are you sucking up to me? All right, all right, look.
I am really scared to death to kiss Larry.
Why? I don't know.
Maybe because I like him.
But, I Well, it just When you and I kissed, it was, well - Amazing.
- It really was.
And you only get one chance for the first kiss.
I want my kiss with Larry to be amazing.
Don't plunge.
It's a common mistake.
- Plunge? - So many couples are so hungry for it, they rush.
The tongues just plunge in.
The key is discipline.
- Remember how slow and soft we were? - Yeah.
Put your hands on the side of his face.
And don't do anything at first.
Just look.
Make the whole thing feel prohibitive as you stare into him like you want him so.
But it would be wrong or dangerous.
Then move in, but stop.
Don't go all the way there yet.
I like to rub the top of my head softly against his nose.
Then I go in slow.
I hesitate again.
Then Ling? - Like that.
You try it.
- Hey! - Oh, shut up.
- I'm not a kissing-test dummy! Oh, sure, now you protest when you have to kiss her.
That's unacceptable.
Richard, it was just a demonstration.
A kiss is a kiss, Ling.
And it was with my best friend.
Because he's your friend, I wanted to help him.
You don't think I'm attracted to that funny thing.
- Richard? - Now, you go away too.
You're Judith, that's what you are.
Well, I think you mean Judas.
- I can assure - Just go! Now I'll go.
He The best kiss I ever got? Yeah.
I'm just curious.
It was ninth grade, my teacher.
Your teacher? I'd had a crush on her.
She knew it.
It was the last day of school.
She kissed the kids, little pecks.
But with me, she squeezed my hand and then she let her tongue slide in ever so slightly.
Your ninth-grade teacher? First, I wasn't even sure it happened.
But she gave me this look.
And she said Ally? We're here.
Ally McBeal, Luke Peterson.
Hi, everyone's assembled.
You can go right in.
Once again, do not get agitated.
Let me do the talking, you stay quiet.
Hey, I'm on the other side.
- That's three for me.
- Let's go.
Kimmie, it's been too long.
I've missed you.
I won't let you trick me.
Kimberly, let's work this out.
My name is Kimmie.
I confess, I don't know the two of you that well.
But your differences don't compare to what you have in common.
We have nothing in common.
Come on, the lawyers at the firm are your friends.
- They're no friends! - Then why associate with them? I don't.
I go to work, I leave If you feel like a partner, would it be wise to make you one? What's this? I find that lawsuits are usually about truth and perception.
The truth lives within those courtroom walls.
But when the doors open, it's perception that usually has wings.
The fact may be you discharged her because she didn't fit in that she compromised the camaraderie of your office.
But the perception will be that you found her to be too virtuous.
I dare say, too moral.
Now, is that the message you want hopping around town, Mr.
Peterson? That at Cole and Nieber there is no room for the pious? That you like your female associates to be a little more loose? Is that what you want out there in the community? How about at home with your wife? Could you lean back, we can see your lip bristle.
- You told.
No, it's not as if your lip has bristle.
He engaged the memory.
That's all it took.
I've loved you for a long time Now it's time to make you my baby I've loved you for a long time Now it's time to make you my baby It was a little mean.
What about bringing up the wife? Maybe we shouldn't dance together on the eve of trial.
Yeah, we should go our separate ways.
So, what is this, our second date? Ally, it's our fourth.
No, it's not, it's our third.
Four for you.
Now it's time to make you my baby Elaine? - By chance, would you like to dance? - Um Sure.
What do you mean, my demeanor? What Larry Paul said today went exactly to the issue.
A partnership involves people being partners and An alienating personality could very well be dispositive here.
My personality is alienating? Well Yes, very much so.
Listen, when I was growing up, I was always the odd man out.
Never popular.
And as a defense I well, I formed a shell so it became harder for anybody to hurt me.
But it also became harder for me to let anybody in.
So in a way, I was securing my own unpopular fate.
Now, tomorrow on the stand I want your demeanor to be different.
Your voice, it needs to be more relaxed.
It's important that the jury relate to you as if you're just like them.
You need to be less off-putting.
Well, I don't know.
There's a wonderful girl in there.
Just have to bring her out.
No, I can't stay.
I'm trying a case tomorrow, as opposed to sitting at the table.
That's funny.
- You okay? - Fine.
Um Like my place? It's great.
Can I offer you some coffee? You could, but I'd decline.
I should get back.
I had fun.
Me too.
I guess we'll call it a night because we're both in trial tomorrow? Yeah.
- Ally? - Yeah? Um This is my kitchen.
I wish the night didn't end.
Me too.
- Good night.
- 'Night.
See you in court.
Yeah, um, till then.
Maybe he just doesn't want to rush it.
He's the man, Renee.
It's his job to rush it.
Look, I know you don't believe this, but forehead is better than cheek.
I don't think that he's really into me, physically.
How can you say that? Well, shouldn't he have tried something by now? Why would he ask you out if he wasn't into you? With Bryan nothing chemical happened.
But I was so thrilled to meet a good guy I was convinced there was passion when there wasn't any.
Maybe that's what's going on with Larry.
You're way over-thinking this.
Renee, guys go for it.
His little hands should be going everywhere.
For the first dates, guys use their hands afterward.
You are a vulgar person.
You do know that? It's no big deal, really.
I just met the guy, how much can there really be to lose? It's okay.
I'm a lawyer, independent, I've got the world at my fingertips, and I am woman.
- Damn right.
And if he doesn't love me, I don't know what I'll do.
What's the big deal? Let me tell you something.
You see if you can get this! Women love money, you love money.
You're attracted to me because I've got it.
When you kiss other men, even as a demonstration it says to the world, "Maybe I'm not wealthy.
" That's a violation.
May I respond? Go ahead.
Richard, what women are attracted to is what they don't have.
I have you, honey.
I understand that some make partner and some don't.
I was even prepared that I wouldn't.
But here you are suing.
Being dismissed for not fitting in? The translation was "too prude-like.
" That should prevent me from becoming the life of the party, not making partner in a law firm.
But, Ms.
Bishop, the essence of partnership is partnership.
- You have to get along.
I know that.
And if I was causing problems in the workplace, I'd fully expect to be left behind.
But because I don't like to drink or slap my knee at the racy joke, or because I skip after-hour parties? It's not fair to punish me for that.
You were told this is the reason? Basically, yes.
Peterson said I wasn't entertaining the clients well enough.
He told me it was important to show them a good time and not just do their legal work.
That's what I have a hard time accepting.
Thank you, Kimmie.
You're a person of values, aren't you? Oh, I think values is an elusive term.
But I guess every person would like to think they have them.
Did you ever impose yours on others? No.
Last Christmas you got everyone Bennett's Book of Virtues.
- It's a wonderful book.
- It is, I read it.
Did you go around before the Christmas party pulling down the mistletoe? Kissing can get out of control, especially with the eggnog flowing.
When confronted with mistletoe in your office you told Mr.
Peterson these vile plants promote free sex? I didn't think the decorations were appropriate.
Did you complain about some secretaries wearing short skirts? Sometimes I think fashion can go a bit too far, yes.
Did you write a memo: "Too short, why not draw bull's eyes on them?" I was upset.
Do you have a bumper sticker? Oh, I put that there a while ago.
- What does it say? - "Virgins Rule.
" I'm not ashamed of it.
- Ever been arrested? - Once, for civil disobedience.
You protested the opening of a play? - It was vile.
- Can you tell us the name of it? No, that word shouldn't be used in public, let alone lit up on a billboard.
The Vagina Monologues? It was revolting.
Are you aware you had a nickname at the firm? It didn't bother me.
Could you tell us? "The Perfect One.
" Did you ask once that the litigation department join hands in prayer? It was before a really big case, and I didn't insist on it.
You didn't have to attack her.
- I didn't.
- Please, using her nickname? - I just asked her.
- Calling her a virgin? Whoa, there's a smear.
You tried to embarrass her.
For somebody who's not adversarial, you did good damage.
So much for being on opposite sides.
It's a trial, you don't expect to butt lips? Foreheads? Heads? Opposing sides butt heads.
- Something wrong? - You were mean, I didn't like it.
Ally, I'm not a fan of rude.
I'm gonna go meet with my client.
She gets emotional.
I'd go after her.
I don't do that.
Well, I suppose if you did, it'd make it harder to live life alone.
Richard? Hey.
Everything okay? Oh, sure.
Really? Well I don't excite my woman anymore.
Other than that I'm not saying it would work for you or Ling, but - What? - Well, I have to admit.
The Barry White thing, when John let himself be taken over like that It was thrilling.
Barry and I don't exactly gel.
I'm not saying it has to be him.
Find a song or persona like John.
It'd have to beat being yourself.
Thank you, Nelle, between you and Ling, my self-esteem cup runneth over.
Just giving you a little hint.
Women like men to mix things up a little.
The problem wasn't her values.
She became so judgmental.
She made people feel uncomfortable.
I kind of like her.
As do I, but when you rip mistletoe down at the Christmas party when you put memos out about the joys of chastity when you tell people, "God has plans for them.
" Partnership isn't just a function.
Personality is very involved, and hers rubbed people the wrong way.
How many lawyers work at the firm? - A hundred and two.
- Secretaries? - Another hundred.
- Administrative? Seventy-five, eighty.
You can't make room for one virgin? It isn't that.
Did you tell her to take her clothes off? - No! - Right, my mistake.
Ever think of the possibility that a woman of her values could be good for the firm? Once again Ever think that by not making her partner you send the message that you're against piety? - No! - Think you'd give others the notion: "I'd better roll with the jokes.
Kiss under the mistletoe, or I'll be fired!" - Absolutely - Ever warn her that her values may be used against her? - Could he get in one answer? - I withdraw every question.
That's a bad word at your place.
A woman says "withdraw," she could get fired.
- Mr.
- You got sex on TV in movies, on the Internet.
Why omit the law firm? Mr.
- Was she a good lawyer? - A fine one.
- Made money? - Yes.
One of your top associates, even? - That doesn't - Thank you.
You spoke, nothing further.
Re-direct? Seems not, even your own lawyer has no use for you.
Knock, knock.
- I was a little - Upset.
The reason that I was upset: I was disappointed that you didn't kiss me.
- There, I said it.
- I kissed you.
On the forehead.
You can't even catch anything from that.
I don't want to rush.
This could be right.
I don't want to blow it by going fast.
"Could be right," so it might not be? You're not sure.
We've had two dates.
Are you usually sure at two dates? No.
No, you're perfectly within reason not to want to rush it.
You're hurt.
Larry, maybe it isn't right.
We, uh I mean, I, um I like you.
But, you know, with the trial and all It certainly added a little stress, after all.
I think that we should maybe cool it, and step back.
Don't run from me, don't run from whatever you're feeling.
You didn't think I was scared? I've been dating wrong women.
It gets as easy as it does old, and suddenly you're with somebody who could be right, it's scary.
Do you want to know how silly I've been? In the last day or two, I've been walking around obsessing obsessing, over the idea that I have forgotten how to kiss.
What do you make of that? Could be symbolic of something else.
Like what? Like When I first met you, you struck me as a person who has maybe forgotten how to love.
And be loved.
To spend six months with a guy you don't even know why? Do you know what it's like to be with somebody? What are you trying to say, Larry? Maybe what you're afraid of is what you don't know.
I don't know if I should I feel sorry for myself, or happy that I met someone who sees me.
Or walk out on a guy who has no idea who or what I am.
Well, I guess that's your call there.
I think it's crazy to sort this through when we're in a trial together.
- Meaning? - I'm gonna go.
I can tell you're working on your closing, so I'll go.
- Ally? - No, I should go.
I talk too much.
When Kim Bishop was 14 she was the only one in her peer group who chose not to smoke pot.
She wasn't cool.
In college, she skipped the bloody mary brunches and went to church, the prude.
While her peers were out having fun she went to the library with the idea, one day she'd be partner in a law firm.
And here she is today.
She's one of the brightest, productive associates at the firm denied partnership in part because her lifestyle wasn't wild enough.
Now, truth is, she's been rejected her whole life.
We ridicule the innocent today, the pure.
Believe in God? Well, you keep it to yourself.
Frown on premarital sex? Joke's on you.
Don't want to drink alcohol after work? What kind of partner could you be? The virtuous, how can we respect them? They're just stupid.
They miss out on all the good stuff.
If you want an idea of just how idiotic they can be, take a look at this one.
She believed if she was a good lawyer who did the work, put in the hours, and won her cases, she'd be rewarded regardless of how much fun she was.
How silly is that? She's been rejected her whole life.
I wonder.
She encountered some people to form close friendships with.
Maybe she got used to being rejected she was no longer open to the idea that things could work.
Sometimes people, on occasion I've been one of them, get so used to things not working out they become more comfortable with failure than they are with success.
Kimberly Bishop has never gotten along with people.
At some point, she has to ask, "Is it me, am I the one?" Nobody at the firm said to her, "You can't be who you are.
" Perhaps she refused to accept them.
Everything could've worked out here.
All she had to do was let it.
Richard? You're acting out.
I can dance in my own damn unisex if I want, Ling.
Is the magic gone, Ling? I can't remember the last time I did your knee.
We need to rekindle.
Rekindle? Our hottest flame is about the size of a Bic butane.
We're meant to be tepid, Richard.
I want it hot.
Can you handle me hot, Richard? I want it hot! I know I'm sexy, I have money.
I drink $300 bottles of wine.
I drive a Mercedes.
Men don't come more sexy than me.
And I want it hot! All right, Richard, we'll be hot.
"In the matter of Bishop versus Cole and Nieber we find in favor of the defendant.
" Members of the jury, thanks for your service.
- Sorry.
- We tried.
- We could appeal.
- No, it's the right verdict.
I think I should admit that.
Could you excuse me for one second? Thank you for your support, John, and your kind words.
Oh, well, I meant them.
Did you, you weren't just arguing a case? No, I I've never been this forward ever, but would you like to have dinner? Yes, I'd love to.
Oh, I can't go in.
Doesn't make any You can't talk to me that way.
I have been waiting for over one hour.
- Ally? - Hey.
What's wrong? Billy told me that I was incapable of ever being happy.
Was he right? He also said, "It's only a headache.
" Don't believe him.
I know it's crazy, but I'm so afraid of the whole thing.
Why? Because for once in your life, you have something really big to lose.
- Hello? Hi, Ally, it's Larry.
Oh, Larry, hi.
Sorry about earlier.
Yeah, you rushed out.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't notice because I was so busy with the client.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
You? I'm just working late.
I have a lot of stuff to catch up on.
Yeah, we should get together sometime, that'd be good.
Okay, well, you have a good night then.
Larry, how did? Oh.
"We should get together sometime, that'd be good"? You think I'll wait for you to get with the program? You might be afraid of all this, Ally but I'm not.
Larry, you've only seen the tip of the neurotic iceberg.
I'm demented.
- What else? - Self-absorbed.
- What else? - Vain.
- What else? - Beautiful.
That's a good thing.
What else? Maybe incapable of letting myself be loved? That we need to work on, then.
Any idea what you're getting yourself into? I'm afraid to trust it.
Then we need to work on that too.
I think you remember how to do it.
For once I can touch What my heart used to dream of Long before I knew I'll see you tomorrow, right? You'll see me tomorrow.
And the day after that? And the day after that.
You stinker!
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