Ally Mcbeal s04e12 Episode Script

Hats Off to Larry

Previously on Ally McBeal: - I have a son.
- What? - You're Sam Adams? - Hello.
Isn't this salsa? - You're actually very good.
- Am I? I'm really a man.
Talk about a woman with stones of her own.
As flaws go She has a penis! I'm influenced by the way others see us.
Then let's just be adult about this.
Goodbye, Mark.
When you do have a child no matter how much you think you're prepared for it you'll be stunned by the capacity you have to love somebody.
That's really That's really nice, Larry.
Really nice.
Really nice, you pig! - What? - No, you just never mind what.
You left me with a note.
You couldn't even be a man about it, could you? Pig, pig, pig! - What - No, no.
You shush.
I had a dream that you left me and I didn't like the way you did it.
- It was a dream.
- I don't care, because it felt real.
- So - So shush! Don't you talk to me.
I'll go back to sleep, find you in my dream and deal with you there.
Give me the goddamn I've been down this road Hats off to Larry Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Okay.
First up, Sam Adams, intellectual - We don't do intellectual work here.
- Intellectual property law.
Our client had some dance moves appropriated by a former partner.
There's an upcoming competition.
He wants to enjoin her from using them.
Can you do that? Claim ownership on a dance move? Marcel Marceau copyrighted his mime.
No big leap to say that protection should be extended to dance.
You and Sam Adams are still in touch? I'm just on this case.
Doing him.
Doing his case.
Doing his glutes.
That's what she's probably doing.
I apologize.
I didn't realize I was audible.
Melanie's out of town.
He's horny.
I said, ornery.
Let's move along, Richard.
Richard? Cindy McCullough is here to see you.
Why? What did I do now? You've done nothing.
I want to do something.
- What? What? - I want to get married.
Oh! Well, that's great.
You found somebody to love you? All of you? Yes.
And he's a wonderful man.
The Commonwealth considers me a wonderful man as well.
We can't get a wedding license.
I want to go to court and challenge it.
I'd like you to represent us.
Me? Really? Why? Because you're a lawyer.
I need someone with a firm grasp of the bigotry we'll face and you sprang to mind.
- Thank you.
Could I bring in a second chair? I'm not always up to speed on the law.
It's so boring.
- Are you current on your homophobia? - Hey.
Scout's honor.
Everything all right? Fine.
Miss McBeal? Sorry to bother you.
I need a lawyer.
How'd you get in here? I kind of snuck by your secretary.
I am very sneaky.
Will you be my lawyer? Well Well, first of all, who are you? And second of all why do you need a lawyer? I want to sue my parents for emotional distress.
What did they do? They split up.
There's a new book about how kids get emotionally damaged for life when their parents break up.
- I see.
Did you read this book? - No, I heard about it.
I also know there's this legal thing called a third party "benefishy.
" Oh, um, right.
I'm not sure what it means, but the law's kind of like if two people make an agreement that helps a third person that third person has rights.
I'm the third person.
It sounds like you could be a lawyer yourself.
Well, my dad's one.
Really? And what's your name? Sam.
Sam Paul.
Sam Paul.
Sam Paul.
Sam Paul? All right! All right.
You want to ride a little pony? I apologize.
It's the only Spanish I know.
I learned it from a nanny.
Cortez, do you really deny that Mr.
Adams taught you these moves? Of course I deny it.
I don't have to listen to this.
You can't stop me.
And you won't.
- I can do whatever moves I choose.
I'm afraid that's not true.
A court might very well enjoin you from doing these maneuvers.
Then I guess I'll see you in court, Miss Porter.
And by the way, you're a fool.
We don't need to get personal here.
I think things have already turned personal, haven't they? Trust me.
You're a fool.
- How did you even get here? - Airplane.
- Airplane? Airplane? Airplane! - Big steel thing with wings.
I'm familiar with the concept.
How did you get on one? I bought a ticket on the computer.
You can do your own seat assignment.
I took a cab, got onboard and took off.
Does your mother know you're here? If Mom knew, don't you suppose she'd call you? I called her already.
I was afraid that she'd be panicked.
Why? I mean Why'd you come? To sue you.
To sue me? For emotional distress.
And he would also like trouble damages and attorney fees.
Okay, Sammy, buddy It's okay.
It's not okay.
Mom says it is.
Every night she comes in and tucks me in and says everything's okay.
How you and her are good friends.
How everything's better this way.
But it's not better.
She goes in her room and she cries.
I hear it.
I cry too, Dad.
I know I'm supposed to be a big boy and I shouldn't cry.
I'm supposed to be strong.
But I can't help it.
It just hurts too much.
So You're suing me? I think it's time for you to cry.
They're probably having a big fight.
- Why do you say that? - He did call on his cell phone.
He could have done it right there.
They just don't want me to hear.
- Well - I expected you to be younger.
- Sorry? - Than my mom.
They say fathers end up with women younger than the mothers.
You seem way older than her.
What are you, 50? - No.
I'm not - Do you love my father? Very much.
And he loves you? - Well - Do you have kids? No.
Is your biological clock all ticked out? Can a judge overrule the legislature on same-sex unions? They can if they think the law is, you know, against the What is it? Constitution.
Yes, that.
They can declare the law null and Freud.
This will be a long shot, you do know that? Vermont now recognizes same-sex partnerships.
Massachusetts - Well, that's very different.
- Why? Even homophobes like me endorsed same-sex unions in Vermont.
- Why? - We want all the gays to move there.
- Really? - Yes.
If they're going to, uh Better in thick-wooded areas where You know.
Did you think I was kidding? It gets worse.
- Then why choose him? - He won my last case.
- I figure if we can convert him - Exactly.
Convert me into what? I discovered the move while dancing with Annette.
But it was I who discovered them.
She says you were a team.
So were Simon and Garfunkel.
We know which one wrote the music.
But that's music.
This is dance.
Like the expression goes, "It takes two to tango.
" Yes, and it takes two to make love.
That doesn't mean one can't be teaching a little as he goes.
Why does it really matter if she makes love? Dances the way she once did with you? Because it's a competition.
The national championship.
If she and her new partner use my style, perform my moves my dance becomes less original.
Even if I perform better, I will still lose.
You're talking about the mamba.
The salsa.
Standardized dances.
Songs use standardized notes.
That doesn't mean music can't be original.
The art of dance, just like the art of song, the art of making love it's about weaving together new forms of expression from your heart, your soul.
You keep likening it to making love.
You and Ms.
Cortez were more than just dance partners.
You were lovers.
- Correct? - Correct.
Objection! Withdrawn.
Ever come up with a new dance move while making love? There was one, yes.
You're trying to stop her employing a move in her dance routine that was discovered in a lovemaking session? Correct.
I guess when it comes to making love, you weren't equal partners.
You were the teacher.
Very much.
And she knows it.
Don't you think it'd help to know she's an ex-lover? - Why? - Why? You slept with her.
- John, isn't that relevant? - Terrible.
Are you upset as my lawyer or as a woman who's slept with me? I'm talking about the sex.
The The case.
John, would you excuse us? With pleasure.
So when she called me a fool, it's because she Nelle It's difficult to enjoin her from using a move you discovered in bed.
Why? Shouldn't the act of making love be as privileged as lawyer/client communication? That isn't the law.
Maybe you shouldn't be the lawyer to do this.
No, I can do it.
I'll be fine.
Excuse me.
I'd like to sue the people who made this bicycle.
They left out a wheel.
McBeal? We have another angry unicyclist.
Are you available? Another angry what? Excuse me, madame.
When they said half-price, I should've known.
Now you guys be careful.
No, no.
Larry? Larry, I am telling you Oh.
- Did we get you? - Yes.
How'd you learn to do that? My dad's a circus act.
Didn't you know that? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, actually I do know that.
Sam is gonna stay with me for a day or two.
He came to see my life.
That's great.
No, it's terrific.
- Do you mind? - Of course I don't mind.
- It's, it's - Terrific.
Okay, we're off to court.
You can help me juggle my caseload.
Ah, Larry.
- When will I see you again? - We're sleeping at your place.
- You are? - Yeah.
I mean, you know.
He came to see my life.
Buddy? Mark.
- Getting married, huh? - I'm trying to.
Soon as I shake off the stigma that goes with having a penis.
That was a joke.
Tell me about the lucky guy.
Well He has a lot to offer.
And he loves everything I have to offer.
You two should be very happy then.
Who are you kidding? Coming to this law firm? Richard Fish is the best attorney you know? Richard Fish won my last case.
He did quite well.
You think I'm here because of you? If you're marrying a man to make another one jealous I'm marrying because I love him.
The other man's a bigot.
Why? Because he can't get past your being a guy? Do you love him? Yes, I do.
I find the odds of that to be astronomical.
That you could find a man who could love you is a needle in the most enormous of haystacks.
That it would turn out that you'd also love him Maybe his willingness to love me is reason enough for me to love him.
Things can work out that way.
I don't know.
You certainly don't.
Do you think she's falling for him? He is a salsa dancer.
- She fell for a murderer.
- At least he was a doctor.
When I do my Tom Jones thing, I kind of look like that, don't I? You know what, Richard? Exactly.
He is pretty hot.
Mm! Do you know this one? Let's see Puff, the magic dragon Don't sing that one.
- Why? - It's sad.
"Puff the Magic Dragon" is sad? One gray night it happened Jackie Paper came no more And Puff, that mighty dragon He ceased his fearless roar - Do you miss him? - Puff? Your dad.
Do you think he'll ever come back? Well, Sam He just went out to get some ice cream.
I mean home.
I think that you'll probably have to talk to him about that.
He doesn't talk about that.
Why not? I don't know.
He just can't.
Well Do you talk to him about your feelings? He doesn't do stuff like that.
He pretends nothing's ever wrong.
Oh, I don't know.
- Remember when I told him how I cry? - Yeah.
He's already found a way to forget that.
That's what he does.
We'd dance in the studio.
We'd get I guess a little worked up.
The moves would evolve.
It's his contention they evolved from him.
That's his male chauvinist arrogance.
I'm as entitled to claim ownership as he is.
Why did you stop being Mr.
Adams' partner? I stopped because it was too destructive.
Can you explain that? Sam Adams uses his personal relationships to generate creative spark.
When our relationship normalized to an even keel, he felt creatively blocked.
He'd break up to generate one.
That's where his inspiration comes from.
He likes it if there's something forbidden about his partner.
Places he shouldn't run his hands or slide his legs.
This is so far off the point, Your Honor.
The issue is, did she steal his dance moves? I still have no idea what moves we're talking about.
Do they have names? - No.
Because we invented them.
- I invented them.
You stole them.
Cortez! Mr.
Adams! I'll hold you both in contempt unless you're quiet! Mr.
Cage, my Spanish is limited, but I believe you just asked for a cookie.
I apologize.
I want to see this dancing so I understand what you're talking about.
Could you just give me a demonstration without biting each other's heads off? Hello.
Where's Sam? Oh, he's back in my Elaine's got him.
They're doing Wait, wait, he's back at your what? I was going to make a joke.
I guess I I couldn't.
That doesn't happen to me often.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I talked to his teacher.
He's been getting into a lot of fights.
He's struggling a little, I guess.
Gee, I wonder what it could be.
He's an incredible kid.
Isn't he? I told you, he's the most He's incredible.
With an amazing father.
I, um I don't know what to do, Ally.
I mean, obviously, he's hurting at school And that's not all of it.
Larry, you need to go to Detroit.
Be it a month, be it a year.
You can't take him from his mother and he needs his father.
Now, I may be saying something that's not occurring to you but I'm not telling you anything you don't know.
You gotta go to Detroit.
I read that Constitution.
I read the preamble, the post-amble, the amendments.
I read it all.
And nothing in it says marriage has to be between a man and a woman.
Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act.
Maybe Mr.
Fish missed that while immersed in the Constitution.
Oh, yes, Congress.
I don't think the court should question Congress.
I didn't know Congress was against it.
Congress once said blacks couldn't marry whites.
Love that Congress.
- Can I finish? - Sex offenders can marry.
Murderers cannibals marry.
But whoa! Two gay people? There goes the sanctity.
I read The Book of Virtues.
I'll defend every person's right to be a bigot.
I'm one.
But let's be honest.
This is bigotry.
It's a government trying to impose its own sense of morality.
It's what happens when you have politicians conforming their views to what the people think.
As for the people in this country, too many redneck, inbred idiots.
Where else do people take rifles blow the head off a deer and go "Sport!" - Mr.
- He'll keep talking until you say he's won.
- Move for cause.
- All right, I've heard enough.
Actually, Your Honor, could I have a second? And who the hell are you? I'm Mark Albert.
I'm with Mr.
Fish's firm.
Whether you support same-sex marriages or not, the point is being missed.
Which is? Sitting there is a woman.
I don't care what her birth certificate reads.
If she wanted to enter the Olympics as a woman She's not looking to throw a javelin.
She just wants to get married.
Your Honor I've dated Cindy McCullough.
She's one of the finest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
It's the 21 st century.
We should be beyond judging people by their skin color or X or Y chromosomes or their anatomical Why can't we look at the person? Simply judge the person.
Cindy McCullough is a beautiful woman who wants to get married.
The only appropriate thing for any court to do is congratulate the groom.
It's not like I don't agree, in theory But how? My life is here.
My work.
I'm not sure I can uproot everything.
We can keep talking about it.
But that presumes you have choices.
And you don't.
Your son is in Detroit and he needs you.
Now, you once said to me that until you have a child you have no idea the capacity you have to love somebody.
You're a lot of things.
You're more than anybody I've ever met.
You're more But what you are the most is a dad.
Would you come with me? In a second.
But I think you have to do this alone, at least initially.
Now, it's not about him assimilating into your new life.
This is just about him needing you in his.
I will come back.
I know you will, baby.
- Or you'll come to Detroit? - Or I'll come to Detroit.
This isn't how you go about dumping guys, is it? Get their needy kids to visit, then pack them both on a plane? - That's not happening here, is it? - Hey.
Larry? I love you.
What did you do that for? Because I'm an officer of the court.
And you are an extraordinary woman, Cindy.
And you want me to win? Only if you truly want to marry him.
I do love him, Mark.
- Well, that's all that matters then.
- Yeah.
No court could take that away.
Well Thank you, Mark.
It is a very sad day in my life, in this court when I find myself agreeing with Mr.
But today I do.
The law against same-sex marriages? Well It may not be as stupid as blowing the head off a deer and calling it sport.
But it comes damn close.
However, just because I don't like a law it's not up to me to substitute my judgment for legislative intent.
Petitioner's motion is denied.
- We're sorry.
- That's okay.
Thank you for trying.
My winning streak stopped at one.
Thank you.
I think of myself as the captain of my own ship.
I feel something really homophobic coming.
No, no.
My firm is sort of my ship.
Though it's not technically legal, why don't you let me marry you two? What are you saying? Maybe the court has spoken.
Why give it the last word? Wow.
You're taking everything.
Oh, yeah.
You know, it's silly to pay rent.
Oh, I saved this.
Oh, that's blue.
Tell me about it.
So where is the little home wrecker? He's back with Renee, packing stuff.
Our flight is at 9.
So does that mean we can have an early dinner? Well I have a problem with goodbyes.
It's better if I just skip ahead Okay.
That dream you had where I left with a note? That's exactly what I'd do.
So when I drop you off at the airport I just won't watch you get out of the car.
I got us a Town Car to go to the airport.
- Larry - I can't handle goodbyes, okay? If you can bear with me on this, just know that I love you, and I'll be back.
I'll swing by on the way real quick, and then I'll I won't say goodbye, but I'll Leave a note.
If I so much as look at you I'll never get on the plane.
So Hey! Help me pack, will you? Sure.
You're partners again? It makes the most sense.
It's our best chance to win the competition.
Otherwise, we just cancel each other out.
- What if we win the injunction? - Well She's the best partner.
I realized it dancing with her in court.
- What else did you realize? - We were just dancing.
We maximize our chances this way.
No, you're right.
It It makes sense.
How about we meet after for a little celebration dinner? I don't think it's great for us to see each other personally, either.
- Why? - Well Without hurting your feelings, you're a great guy and a fabulous dancer.
Look, I know you and I aren't meant to be long-term.
But, short-term? There's so much wonderful sex to be had.
I'll notify the court we're gonna dismiss the lawsuit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Do you, Cindy, take Rick to be your husband? To love, honor and cherish him, forevermore? I do.
By the powers of me, Richard Fish, rich attorney with his own firm in the presence of God, our friends and everybody who counts I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Thank you, Richard.
Do I get to kiss the bride? - Would you like to? - I would.
- Okay.
- Now, no tongue.
No chance.
I'm still waiting for my "hello" kiss.
- Now? - Well, maybe a little one.
- Is she a bigger slut than me? - No.
The wedding's over! Let's have a reception! I know something about love You've gotta want it bad So he can't say goodbye? What's up with that? He writes notes.
He's a dream come true, right till the bitter end.
He'll be back, you know he will.
Wait, this is my theme song.
Do you think she's singing it to me? Well, it's not to me.
Or me.
Maybe Larry requested it.
Maybe this is his note? Make him see the moon up above I hope.
He's outside in the car with Sam.
They're on the way to the airport.
He's leaving his skidmarks.
There's a note for you.
Tell him that you're Never gonna leave him Tell him that you're Always gonna love him I thought you were afraid to make eye contact.
Sam, evidently, is good at goodbyes.
Bye, Ally.
I had a wonderful time.
So did I.
And you have to come visit me, okay? I will.
I'll put up my window so you and Dad can smooch.
- What? - Bye, buddy.
You still hear music in your head, right? Okay.
Just Just keep hearing that song I wrote you.
Okay? Don't forget.
And don't you forget.
You stinker!
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