Ally Mcbeal s05e22 Episode Script

A serial dater? I've gone out with every guy in Boston.
Not one of them worked out? Besides Larry.
Greg.
Until Renee stole him away.
-Your roommate stole your boyfriend? -Well, sort of.
-They sang a song together.
-Sang a song.
Come on.
One hundred point two.
I wonder if you do have strep and that's why this seems to recur.
All right, up to bed we go.
Do you still feel nauseous? Not as much.
Oh, wait, let me get the Motrin.
Uh-oh.
-Maddie? -I don't feel so.
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Oh, Maddie! Maddie! Oh, my-- Maddie? I've been down this road Bygones Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That ljust can 't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home Baby I'm fine.
This is so embarrassing.
Honey, just try to stay calm.
I'm calm.
You called the fire department.
She seems normal.
She's not running a fever.
-Well, then why did she faint? -Well.
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Either she's had some sort of panic attack, or.
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-Or what? -She's pregnant.
Did you hear me? Hello? Everybody here? Seats, please.
I have an announcement.
You're changing the name to Fish, McBeal and Bump.
-That hurts my feelings, Morgan.
-I apologize, Debbie.
Never mind.
Actually, Nelle.
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you're close.
Well.
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I'm just gonna say it.
I'm taking Liza for my first wife.
And I'm taking Richard for my very first husband.
We're getting married.
-You've got to be kidding.
-We're in love now.
-Why not commit for now? -Wait just one second.
-Now, you two are getting married? -You know what they say, Ally.
After 30, you're more likely to be hit by lightning.
(GROWLING.]
Now, the date is June 8th.
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so save the day and night.
Big party.
Gaudy.
-June? -What's the rush? While we're still in love.
It'll be funner.
What are you two, like, nuts? RICHARD: A lot of you have doubts.
I understand.
The truth is, most couple's sexual passions.
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begin to wane before they marry.
We want to be married for the sexual peak years.
Is it a gamble? Of course.
But what is love if not a risk? And should it fail for some reason.
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-Bygones.
-Bygones.
Divorce-a-rooni! -She's being socially battered.
-"Socially battered"? -Know what relational aggression is? -Well, l.
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No.
It's complicated.
For the sake of simplifying.
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boys bully with fists, girls do it with gossip, exclusion, putdowns.
With boys, enemies do the damage.
With girls, it's the friends.
The scars go much deeper.
And girls, in a word, are vicious.
It's causing a great amount of stress.
Well, she hasn't said anything.
They never do.
Maddie was involved in a three-way last night.
Do you know what a "three-way" is? Ms.
McBeal? (STAMMERS.]
It's when three people engage in-- -A phone call.
-A phone call.
Two friends conspire against a third.
Maddie and Myra called Jodi.
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didn't tell Jodi Maddie was listening.
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and got Jodi to talk about Maddie.
She said some very nasty things.
That's the game.
Talk about the girl listening in.
-What did Jodi say? -A lot.
But on top of this.
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Maddie's feeling very displaced.
She had friends in N.
Y.
They're gone.
Her father's gone.
Her whole life has been ripped from her.
It's.
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It's serious? Ms.
McBeal, your daughter basically had a nervous breakdown.
She's 1 0.
-Marriage? -It doesn't mean I don't love you.
-That's not it.
-I want you to be the best man.
Do you really know her? John, every relationship is like a cave.
You explore it, mine it.
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but you have to venture into darkness.
That's the glory of love.
With Liza, the best cave is padlocked till marriage.
-Love is the key.
-This is serious.
-For once, I'm being serious.
-You're being insane.
This is worthy of Ally.
Are you afraid of Liza leaving you? ls that it? -Every love you've had has died.
-I wanna get married! -You've known her a month! -Hey! Talking about me? Oh, hi, John.
Oh, so cute.
I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but I have a problem with this.
-Why are you getting married? -Oh.
First, if a woman goes too long, men start to think.
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there's something wrong.
Divorcées fare better.
Second, well, Fishy's so fun and exciting.
-Fishy? -Listen.
About the wedding.
I don't like walking down the aisle.
It's too formal.
That's how we walk into court.
I wanna be suspended from the ceiling.
If you love me, you'll say yes.
Hello? Liza! Liza! Oh, my dear! Thank you for coming.
This is Reverend Buck.
-He'll perform the ceremony.
-Richard, great pleasure.
Oh, my son! I can't believe it! She's like my own daughter.
And you're getting married! It's okay.
Don't worry.
-Did it happen? -What? I guess it did.
-Emotions make him go vasovagal.
-Vasovagal? -Vasovagal.
-And laughter.
But he wakes back up.
-They make him faint.
-No biggie.
No biggie? How can you perform a wedding? When Liza and l.
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exchange our vows and express our love.
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I can assure you it's going to be funny.
You did that on purpose.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Richard, Ally's called a meeting.
-Ally did? You made her partner, now she gets to call meetings.
Where is she? She calls a meeting and then doesn't show up.
-Easy, little guy.
-Don't call me "Iittle guy," youngster.
Thanks for coming.
Sorry about the short notice, but it's important.
-You're changing hair color? -Not that important.
But I am resigning.
Effective immediately.
-Ha-ha.
-No, I am.
I'm taking Maddie to New York so she can be close to her friends.
My house is on the market if anybody's interested and.
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Well, that's it.
All I ever wanted was to be rich and successful and have three kids.
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and a husband who was waiting home for me at night and-- Look at me! Look at how I've.
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I don't even like my hair! -Ally? Are you all right? -Mm-hm, mm-hm.
I'm fine.
I can see you're not.
You just announce that in a staff meeting? Well, uh-- Should I have called everyone in one by one? You could've called me in.
You owe me that.
Excuse me.
Oh, hello! I'm Claire Otoms.
-Ally? -Richard, not now.
You don't just announce you're leaving-- -I said, not now.
-When, then? ALLY: Elaine.
I don't care.
But this is way too rash! -Don't lecture me on rash, Mr.
Groom.
-Take some time-- -I don't have time.
-Maddie misses her friends? -Maddie is cracking up! -It could be genetic.
She's falling apart.
The doctors say it's serious.
She needs to go back to New York and I need to go with her.
And l-- I just really need you to accept this, Richard.
What about your career? Well, they have law firms in New York.
-It could be temporary.
-You wouldn't be resigning.
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if you thought it were temporary.
I want you at my wedding.
I'll be back.
-In three weeks? Suppose Maddie's sick? -She won't be.
I just talked to Liza.
We can push it up.
When do you leave? -Tomorrow night.
-Then it's tomorrow.
Oh, Richard.
We'll have a private ceremony in the office.
-Richard, you don't-- -I want you at my wedding.
-I will be back.
-Suppose Maddie's sick? She is not that sick.
Well, we'll have a small ceremony here tomorrow.
And if possible, you can come back for the church thing later.
But we're exchanging vows tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? -I know.
I know.
It's insane, but.
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They'll have a reception at the bar and then I'll come back here.
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and we'll still make our flight.
-Why are we rushing? Dr.
Winston thinks it's important for you to go to school.
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before summer break so you can reconnect with your friends.
("HOOKED ON A FEELING" PLAYS.]
Oh, no.
No.
What? What, you think you're funny? No, no, no.
And you? This is not your moment.
Okay? And you, you're not even from New York.
Ally? -Who are you talking to? -Just one of my fantasies.
I told you I talk to them sometimes.
Can you excuse me for one second? If any of you plan on going with me, forget about it.
Right now.
Are we clear? Do you hear me? (DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, brother.
You know, this is just-- Well, what? What now? What? -True? -True.
Come on, Renee.
Don't you start too.
It's tough enough.
And we haven't seen all that much of each other anyway.
We might see each other more now, since we're forced to make an effort.
We could kind of look at this as a sort of a reunion.
Okay? Okay.
JOHN: Would you.
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? I mean, consider me? Well, I probably wouldn't consider dating you.
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because you're my boss, and we work together.
But otherwise.
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Yeah.
I would consider it.
I'm sure I would.
Otherwise.
Nelle? Hello? How long have you been there? -Have you talked to her? -Who? Ally.
About what? Nelle, we all move on at some point.
Richard's getting married.
Ling became a judge.
Ally's going to New York.
People move on.
It's part of life.
People move on.
Right.
Why are you in this thing? -Emotion makes him go vasovagal.
-Vaso-what? Not to worry.
The robe will cover the harness.
-If I black out, just give it a tug.
-This is ridiculous.
The harness keeps me from falling, tug wakes me up.
I won't miss a beat.
-Am I the best man or the rope tugger? -Both! Just do it! Richard, come here.
This is either newfound maturity or.
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your dumbstick's defining moment.
-John.
Have I ever made sense to you? -Yes.
It's always been about money.
-Exactly.
This time it isn't.
Lots of people elope.
I just want to do it with my friends there.
And Ally.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-So are you ready for the wedding? -Oh, yeah.
We've had some fun times in here, haven't we? Yeah.
Remember when you lost the bet and you had to get up and tell the dirty joke? Oh, God! First flea goes, "Why are you cold? Didn't you do what I said?" Second flea says, "I did exactly what you said.
I went into a bar.
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had a couple of drinks, climbed up the leg of a beautiful stewardess.
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nestled in and passed out all snuggled up.
Next thing you know.
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I'm zooming down the freeway in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle.
" That was terrible.
Hello, Renee.
-Are we doing one-on-ones now? -Oh, Elaine.
The wedding's about to start.
You're wanted upstairs.
Do you, Richard, take Liza to be your wedded wife? To have and to hold.
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-Why is the minister in a cage? -Shh.
-You "shh" ! -Am I underdressed? -You look like a float.
-Shh.
Shh! -To love and to cherish, always? -I do.
And do you, Ally, take Billy, Larry, Victor, whoever.
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to be your wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward.
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for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer.
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in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, always? Duh.
That's why I'm here.
Hello? Hello, dear.
Now, you each have a ring.
You have written your own vows.
Would you care to go first, Liza? Richard.
I know everyone thinks I'm getting married because.
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I'm sick of being a virgin and to have sex in keeping with my values.
The truth is I really do love you.
I'm not a person who loves easily, if at all.
But, Richard, I love you.
That was beautiful.
Richard? Yes.
I think the question on a lot of your minds, since we haven't.
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known each other too long, "Will we be having safe sex tonight, or.
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because we're husband and wife, donate the Trojans to a shelter?" Well, the truth is, safe sex has always been easy for me.
Safe love, that's something different.
Then I met you.
Someone who's just as afraid of it.
Just as outwardly.
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Dismissive of it.
But inside, just as desperate for it.
I think one of the reasons I wanted to get married today-- There's a risk that Ally might not make it back in June.
And.
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I was unwilling to assume that risk.
Ally.
The Biscuit said that my marrying Liza today.
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was worthy of you.
And I would agree.
Without your influence, I don't think I would be open to the.
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Well, the insanity that's just caused me to go with what I feel.
And I know what I feel.
I love you, Liza.
And I'm betting on that love, as new as it is.
With this ring I give you something I've never given anybody.
My heart.
And with this ring, I give you mine.
What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr.
and Mrs.
Richard Bump.
Kidding.
Fish.
Fish! I know something about love -Do da-do -To be the very part of you Stranger? Georgia! -Hey! -Hey! So he actually got married? Yes, he did.
An hour ago.
And he's still married.
-What is going on? -Well, you know what? They really love each other.
Evidently it happens.
-And you? -Oh, you heard.
I did.
She just needs to be in her old environment.
At least for now.
Not that I've seen that much of you, but to think you're moving away.
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I know.
You know what? We shouldn't think about it tonight.
Tonight is Richard's night and we should celebrate.
-Okay.
-So.
Cheers.
Oh, cheers.
He met Marmalade Down in old New Orleans Said, hello, hey Joe Getcha getcha ya ya da da Getcha getcha ya ya here Creole lady Marmalade Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? I just never figured you could meet the person of your dreams at age 8.
Hey.
What are you thinking about? -Oh, just stuff.
-Hard to say goodbye, isn't it? Well, it really isn't goodbye.
I wish that everybody would stop thinking that.
I'll keep in touch.
I meant the room.
A lot happened in this office.
-What do you mean? -Just stuff happened.
A lot of memories.
Well, you know, a room is a room.
You know? Four walls.
Yeah, well.
I'll give you some time with these four walls.
Larry, you've only seen the tip of the neurotic iceberg.
I'm demented.
-What else? -Self-absorbed.
-What else? -Vain.
What else? -Incapable of letting myself be loved.
-That we need to work on, then.
Ally? John! Hey.
-I thought you were avoiding me.
-Me? No! Well, we haven't talked about this.
Well, I mean, there's nothing really to say.
I know why you're leaving.
I know it's the right decision.
You know how I feel about you leaving.
So I guess there's no need for words.
Maybe not.
You're the soul of this place.
In some way, you've become.
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the soul of all of us.
And I'm afraid of what will happen when you go.
I think you underestimate your own soul, Mr.
Cage.
I do have a parting gift.
It's a necklace.
Friend of mine designed it.
It's remains of the Trade Center.
I figured it was fitting, since you're.
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It's beautiful.
I'm sure it'll look beautiful on you.
Well, I was right.
Thank you.
Look.
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Well, there's probably a party going on downstairs.
-I think we should join them.
-Right.
It's their first match.
Possibly their last.
They really got it together, didn't they, baby? Nothing but Richard and Liza.
They really, really got it together, didn't they? And isn't that nice? You're the fiirst My last All my dreams You're my sun, my moon -My kind of wonderful -That's what you are I know there's only Only one like you There's no way They could have made two You're all I'm living for I'll keep you forever more -You're the fiirst -My last, my everything And with you I found Oh, my God! Only you could bring Did you get him? I did.
For you and Debbie.
-Well, it's a party now.
-Yes, it is.
-Won't you miss this? -I never said I wouldn't miss it.
Come on.
Let's dance.
Come on, Nelle.
I will love you until Until the day I die Your love I'll keep forever more You're the fiirst, my last My everything I've seen so many ways that I I will love you until Until the day I die You're all I'm living for Your love I'll keep Forever more You're my fiirst, my last My everything -What time's your flight? -At 1 0.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to leave pretty soon.
You don't mind if I take your office, do you? It has better light.
-Fine.
-Listen, Ally.
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I know we've had our differences.
But l.
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Is there anything I need to know about your office? -Just that it's lucky.
-Oh.
Good.
That's good to know.
It's a picture of the boy next door Ally? You all right? Yeah, I just need to get some air.
You okay? Hi.
Well, I must not be okay.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.
I summon you up whenever I'm.
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You know, I'm fine.
How can I help you? Living without me is one thing.
Living without them-- Maddie needs to go and I'm her mother.
You have to do what you have to do.
That's an Ally McBeal-ism.
Are you seeing anyone up there? I'm not supposed to be giving out inside information, Ally, but.
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your life, it all works out.
Yeah.
It's working out, Billy.
Yeah, it's been working out.
And you summoned me now because.
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? I don't know.
Maybe I need to say goodbye to you too.
I had a feeling.
Don't ever forget.
And don't you.
All of my heart.
Forever and ever.
Hey.
My flight is.
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So I'm gonna leave now, and.
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This isn't goodbye.
-If anybody gets emotional-- -My dam's about to break.
You are the biggest fraud I've ever met.
You have a huge heart and you don't fool anybody.
I'm gonna miss you.
-Don't be a stranger, okay? -Like we were this year? Exactly.
Richard.
I can't believe you got married before I did.
Bygones.
You see? I'm sorry.
You know how I feel about you.
Renee.
It's like you said.
We'll be forced to make an effort now.
That's right.
I think.
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I think I'll miss you most, Scarecrow.
You know, I love you all so much.
Every one of you.
And the last five years have.
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I love you all, and.
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And I'll.
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I'll call.
ALLY: Looking backwards many of the saddest times turn out to be the happiest.
So I must be happy now.
Yeah.
This is gonna be good.
Why else would I be crying? OLD LADY: You stinker!