Almost Heroes (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Terry and Peter vs. Episode One

We are gathered here today to say goodbye to my father.
It's no secret that we didn't always see eye-to-eye, but he was always there for me even when I wasn't there for him.
I'll always love him for that.
I know this is an unconventional place for a funeral.
But my father was an unconventional man And my brother insisted.
Most people say that comic books are for weird, out-of-touch losers who refuse to grow up.
But I say My dad always gave those "losers" a home.
Stop calling them losers.
Right.
And now my brother Peter would like to say a few words.
Let's keep this dignified.
Obviously.
And now, a Klingon haiku of mourning.
Rur con-Ron dar-lak jah nak-tik ack-tul na-Jin! Rur con-Ron dar-lak! Dar-lak! Oh dear God.
My father is gone.
I wish he could come back, but he can't, and even if he could, would I really want him to? I mean, he'd clearly be a zombie, or some form of undead monster.
Peter.
The only way to stop his brain lust would be a bullet to the head.
I just don't think I could handle losing him twice.
Stop talking about zombies.
Right.
Sorry.
Zombies.
Zombies.
Zombies.
Zombie And that is why we had him cremated.
Okay.
Touching stuff.
Thank you all for coming.
Refreshments will be served inside.
But first Do we have to do this? It's what he wanted.
Well, it's ridiculous.
Friends, I invite you all to gaze in wonder as my father's ashes are propelled into the Ionosphere, where he will become one with the heavens, and perhaps be born again as life-giving rain.
Oooh! So beautiful.
Who's ridiculous now? Oh dear God! Run! Run! Ow! He's in my eyes! He went into my eyes! It's good to be home.
Almost Heroes S01E01 "Terry and Peter vs.
Episode One" Original airdate June 2, 2001 Peter, I am so sorry I'm late.
I want you to know whatever you need, I'm here for you.
- Thank you.
- So where's Terry? Oh, he's over there by the punch, spiking it with alcohol, which he's been drinking! Watch out.
When he drinks he'll flirt with anything.
Oh, really? I love your brow ridges.
Thanks.
A picture of your father? This? No.
Uh, funny story.
Dad always dreamed he'd get William Shatner's autograph, and one day there he was William Shatner.
TJ hooker himself Or so dad thought.
Poor guy was blind as a bat without his glasses.
Of course, it wasn't Shatner.
Probably just some guy with great hair.
At least dad never had to know- I don't know why Pete framed it.
It was an electric car.
The saddest part is dad loved alternative energy.
Well, that and he died.
I guess it's not really a funny story.
Do you want to get out of here? You are definitely a woman, right? Terry! Bernie! Hey! Finally, a familiar face! God, you look great.
You think? As if! Really? Okay, please, stop hitting me.
Sorry.
Your brother says you're getting drunk and flirty.
Ah, he's just jealous 'cause I can talk to women without getting a nosebleed.
te: That was one time! So, look at you, Mr.
Big-Time Harvard Business.
How is the Business stuff? Right.
Business School.
And that is why Kenya's resource-based Economy is so closely tied to our creature comforts.
Just make me a (Bleep) latte.
I don't want to brag.
So did I hear you're some big shot lawyer? That is what I put on Facebook, so it's gotta be true.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
ry: When did the mall get security guard? I don't know.
He just started showing up.
Of course he did.
This place is such a loser magnet.
Thank God we got out.
I know, right? Can you imagine if you were still stuck next door selling hooker boots to 14-year-olds? That would suck.
Hey, grease trap, your break ended ten minutes ago.
Those hooker boots aren't gonna sell themselves.
She must have me confused with a less successful person.
You still work there, don't you? No.
But I must leave now and do something unrelated for the next five hours.
There you are! I could use your help.
I'm selling out faster than George Lucas.
And I would love to help you sell comics at our dad's funeral, but I'm busy.
Getting drunk? Yes.
Getting drunk at a funeral; That's what normal people do.
Pot too?! Look, Pete, I'm just trying to make it through this freak show, no offense.
Fine.
Well, enjoy your paranoia and dry mouth! Please.
an: Hello, boys.
- Monster! - Ahh, Dan! So, thirsty.
See?! Wow, Dan.
You're really quiet.
Oh, yeah.
It's the new Whisper 3000.
Just got 'em in.
So quiet you could kill a cheetah.
That's a terrible slogan.
Look I never liked your dad.
I like you two even less.
- But? - But nothing.
Just wanted to get that off my chest.
Death makes you think about what's important.
Speaking of which, I want your store.
What?! You already have a store, right down there.
Yeah.
this one's gonna be all across All the time.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Anyhow, here's my offer.
Think it over? What? Are you kidding? Is this a joke? Should I laugh now? Uh, Pete, we should consider it.
Hey! Ha, ha, ha! Very funny, Mr.
Comedian.
Tell me this, if we sell the store, where am I gonna live? Wait.
You're living in the store? I'll talk to him, Dan.
Dan? Wow.
Those are quiet shoes.
Hey, Boyd.
Ever feel like maybe you've wasted your life? Are you kidding? Look at me? Hey, could I get some quarters? A pocket full of change makes me feel like a big man.
Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy.
Hey, gravy train.
More folding, less goofing off with sad loners.
I'm not sad.
I'm misunderstood, which makes me sad.
Sweet! Terry! You're here! Seeing me working here.
Hey, is Peter living in the store? Yes, but I'm not supposed to tell you that.
How long has he been there? I'm also not supposed to tell you it's been a year.
Wow! You're terrible with secrets.
Yeah, well, you still wet the bed from time to time.
Oh, wait, that's Peter too.
I'm a monster.
Why wouldn't he tell me he had no place to live? Maybe he's embarrassed.
I mean, you're so successful and he's a 30-year-old single woman still working at Sassitude.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Why are you still working here? I've got student loans to pay.
I thought you didn't go to school.
Apparently they want you to pay the money back either way.
Oh, someone's dog had diarrhea out front.
At least, I think it was a dog.
Either way, it's a job for a fat hand.
Wow, the Bernie I used to know would stand up for herself.
If you're done talking to your boyfriend He's not my boyfriend.
Obviously he's not your boyfriend.
I was joking.
You having a boyfriend is a joke.
Wow.
This place is dead.
What are you talking about?! This is the afternoon rush.
Right, Harold? He never buys.
So, you want to turn down a big pile of money for a store that apparently never makes any? What do you care? Tomorrow you'll go back to Harvard, your martinis, and your fast cars, and your tuxedoes.
You're thinking of James Bond.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
Pffft! Who cares.
I've been pretty much managing the place for years and we've always done just fine.
Hello.
Oh why hello to you.
Ahh! Damn it! Yeah, he's not so good with girls.
What can I get for you? I need money.
Huh.
That usually comes after the sex and before the crying.
Is there a grown-up here I can speak with? There is not.
I see.
I'm the property manager, and you guys are way behind on your rent.
Ah, my apologies, Rayna.
Instead of money, do you accept boyish charm? Why, do you have any? Stop trying to get in my pants.
It's shameless.
What do we owe you? Eight thousand dollars.
And I'm sorry to say this, but this is your final notice.
Well need full payment in three days or we will evict you.
We're gonna lose the store? We? You're the one who's been "managing" it for years.
One day without dad and we're bankrupt.
You run a tight ship.
Pete.
er: Sergeant Fabulous! son of Mega Saber as smart as he is loyal good at thankless jobs! Son, I, Mega Saber, need your help.
Anything for you, dad.
I have a job so thankless only you could do it.
But what of my brother? Do you not need his help too? Badger Dick? No, for he is as cruel as the night is long, and has the dick of a badger.
Oh my God.
Shut up! What? You just come back here to mock me? No, I've been thinking about how to save the store.
Oh, me too! Check it out! This is just a drawing of you with really big muscles.
And a cape- Theme Night! Like medieval times! No electricity, just costumes and candles! What could possibly go wrong? Ahhh! Oh my God! It went so wrong! This truly is the worst case scenario.
Um no.
Okay, how abou We use the force?! Like when we were kids.
Remember when we wanted something really bad, we'd just closed our eyes Or, or, or Instead of flaming nerds and magic grunting, how about- and I'm just brainstorming here- going to our landlord and getting an extension? Can I come? No chance.
Why not? What could possibly go wrong? Why is this happening?! Who keeps doing this to me? Fine, but no costumes- or fire.
Woo-hoo! Next stop, Success! Yeah.
Your dick is poking out of your pj's.
Successfully.
Hey, Terry.
Just hanging here.
Alone.
Call me if you want to do something.
We could get drunk in the parking lot for ol' times sake! Not that I do that anymore I don't.
And goodbye to you, random customer.
Oh, give it up! He is way out of your league.
He's almost in my league.
I don't want to talk about this.
Ohh! You want the cute boy to touch your hoo-ha! That is so gross.
Stop it.
That's like the farmer sleeping with the pig! And not gogood looking "Charlotte's web" pig.
But like a "You're a pathetic pig" pig! Stop! I'm gonna do you a favour.
I'll sleep with him and tell you all the details.
It'll be like describing a sunrise to a blind person.
- Head butt! - Agh! Oh my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh my God.
Candi? Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
Penis.
What are you doing? I say it now to get it out of my system, so I don't say anything stupid when it counts.
You're worried you'll accidentally say penis to our landlord.
It happens more often than you think.
Sorry about that, guys.
Thanks for waiting.
No penis.
Did I say penis? I meant penis.
Penis problem.
Cock problem! Cock penis! Waaaaaaaang! Right.
Sorry.
Happens more often than you'd think.
That's why I always say those things to myself before an important meeting- get them out of my system.
I'm so sorry about your father, he was such a nice man.
And I would love to give you an extension Woo-hoo! But I can't.
Booo! I spoke to the bank.
The store is already leveraged to the hilt.
It seems your father spent pretty heavily.
Of course he did.
What'd he spend it on? Captain America collector plates? A life-sized Borg costume? Apparently, he spent over $200,000 on his son's tuition at Harvard.
Oh Penis.
I can't believe we have to sell all because of stupid Harvard.
Yeah, well, I picked up a few smart things at stupid Harvard, like how to negotiate a deal.
It's all about getting the upper hand.
Hello, boys.
Terry ahhhh! I'll takenyny offer! I mean hello.
What brings you two here? You know we don't sell tampons, right? Very nice.
Look, we want to sell, but we want fifty percent more than your original offer.
Take it or leave it.
What if he leaves it?! We need the money! Shut up, shut up, shut up.
I'll take it.
Really? Great! Yeah, it'll be worth it to get rid of your stupid brother here.
Uh, he's a character, all right.
So we got a deal? Character? He's Admiral of the S.
S.
Douchebag.
Worst cruise line ever.
Let's get this in writing.
He's a complete pile of donkey foreskins.
Are there Jewish donkeys? He's a useless sack of shit, who should just die.
Am I right? Hey.
Nobody calls my brother a donkey foreskin but me.
Our price just went up another 20 percent.
Easy! Okay.
Let's get this in writing.
I'll get a pen.
- Terry - Don't mention it.
- You don't understand - I know, - It means a lot to you.
- Terry! Peter, fine.
One hug, but that's it.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Deal's off, ladies.
What? Why? Because you just handed him our eviction notice! The way I see it, if I wait three days, I get your store for nothing.
I am such a donkey foreskin.
Oh, you both are.
Now get out! Bernie, I feel like a night on the town.
Oh, Boyd, I-I'm kind of busy.
Can I borrow a mannequin? One that looks kind and understanding, but not stuck up.
Actually, I only need the bottom half.
Uh hey, Candi? Do you mind if Boyd takes a mannequin? I guess not.
- Is that - Yeah.
Is she okay? di: Help me.
No.
Oh God I'm gonna get fired and go to jail.
I just wanted to impress Terry because he's so successful! Is he? As Dale Carnegie said: "Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
" Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got quite the magical evening ahead of me.
No names.
di: Sergeant Fabulous, all alone, no friends, or home.
ry: Sergeant Fabulous? What do you want? I'I'm sorry, Peter.
Sergeant Fabulous.
I'm sorry, Sergeant Fabulous.
That's all right.
School's expensive.
You can't blame yourself.
But I can blame myself for flunking out six months ago.
What?! (Sighsi'I've been working in a coffee shop on Campus.
(Sighsi'I've been working in a coffee shop on Campus.
I didn't know how to tell dad, or you you mean we're gonna lose the store because you flunked out of Business School?? Okay.
I deserved that, But the store was doomed anyway.
Argh! Liar! What's the matter, sarge? The truth hurt? Oh no! Why don't you just run away? That's the only thing you're good at.
Agh! Dreamer! Sell out! Oh, look at us.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
Me neither.
I just want things to be like they were.
I know.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry too.
- It's all my fault.
- No, don't say that.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
Oh, Sergeant Fabulous, you were so brave and strong Oh, hello.
I hope you like flippers.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm out.
Let's go get drunk.
Not yet.
I wanna see where this is going.
ie: So you flunked out! er: He totally did.
ie: I can't believe I was so worried about what you thought of me that I took your stupid advice.
I told you to stand up for yourself, not kill her.
She's not technically dead.
I think it's badass.
Like you're a super hero who hits girls.
I can't believe it's come to this.
Back here, sitting in a parking lot Drinking What am I drinking? Shoe gin.
You made this in a shoe? I wish.
We're frakked.
The only day we made any money this year was the wake.
The wake.
That's right! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Kill a drifter and have a wake? I like it! I know a guy.
No, no.
What did the wake have that the store doesn't? Oh! A body! Guys! Food, drinks, a place to sit.
Think about it! Why are we out here in the parking lot? Because we are frakkkkked.
All right.
Easy there, Apollo.
We're out here because there's no other place for us to just hang out.
But we can change that.
I just hope there's time.
I should get Candi to the hospital.
One double half decaf triple foam no whip extra hot vanilla latte.
One sergeant fabu-latte coming right up.
That's-that's not what I said.
I'd like that limited issue, four-colour reprint of Knuckle Justice.
Ah, the German edition.
Excellent choice, mein friend.
Ha! Ya! Oh, scheisse! There you are.
Two millennium falcoccinos.
Who had the falcocinos? Those are for us.
Wait.
You're buying coffee for her? She doesn't remember anything! Doctors say it's the worst concussion they've seen.
But I still have my job! Here you go.
I'm a pony.
ie: Of course you are.
Come on, girl.
Coffee shop in a comic book store.
It's kind of beautiful.
A place where people can come together and be equals.
Excuse me, is this seat taken? No.
Really? You know, in some alien cultures, that would be considered a proposal of marriage.
God, no coffee's worth this.
sixty, eighty, two thousand.
Great.
You're only six thousand short.
I was hoping you were bad at math.
My whole job is math.
I was hoping you were bad at your whole job.
But we turned this place around in two days.
- I know.
- That has to count for something, right? Not a thing.
Terry, it's time to use the force.
You have seen the movies, right? Nobody does that.
They do the force their way, I do it mine.
Come on, Terry.
You used to believe.
Ah, what the hell.
I'll give it a try.
I'm sorry, man.
Old man: I'll give you six thousand dollars for that signature.
What? Really? You know, it's not really William Shatner.
Who's William Shatner? I'll pretend you didn't say that.
That is Johannn Kluffman, the elusive French horn player from Denmark.
He never signs anything.
It's priceless.
I have cash.
- Well, that is convenient.
- We'll take it.
Here you are.
Wow.
Maybe you guys really do have the force.
You will go out with me.
Or not.
Yeah.
Right.
It all worked out, and you were worried.
We'll see about that! Ahhhhhhh! Dan! You know, your luck's gonna run out one of these days, boys, and when it does, Lacrossapalooza will be waiting! That is a terrible name.
Hmph! We'll see.
Yeah.
Well, now what? I guess you'll be leaving.
Well, I guess I can stick around until the store gets back on its feet.
Whoo-hoo! Roommates forever! This is only temporary.
Woo-hoo! Roommates for temporary! Hey, I got an idea for a promotion.
Free sword lessons for kids.
- No.
- How about free swords? We're not doing that.
Okay, but I think the force will change your mind.
I instantly regret this.