Almost Royal (2014) s01e05 Episode Script


This is Georgie and Poppy Carlton.
Everybody's taking pictures of us.
Georgie Carlton.
Lovely to meet you.
They are aristocratic siblings, 98th and 99th in line to the English throne.
The British are coming and they're looking for a man called Derek.
How do you do? Have you travelled far? It was their father's dying wish that his children make a royal tour of the United States of America Very exciting, Father.
a country he loved Die, you American scum! in order to expand their horizons Are you familiar with hard work? - Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.
- No.
interact with real Americans What made you want to become a cowboy, Jay? Was it Toy Story 2 or 3? learn about their culture and give something back I hope I don't do a grand shitay in these tights.
That did not go down well.
to the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Very exciting.
About to go into battle.
Oh, God! - One, two, three - God save the Queen! Thank you so much for having us.
Poppy and Georgie are in Detroit, a city devastated by bankruptcy and poverty.
I say, "What up, city.
" You can think I'm jokin' till I start roastin' all your homeboys and then fire.
They haven't been in town long before they come face to face with a rap battle.
If she's roamin' my room, we screwin', and let city run up, the Colosseum and leave this temple in ruins.
You came all the way from Ann Arbor to put me in a body bag? Boy, you couldn't put me in a body cast if you practised body jazz in Mr Miyagi's karate class.
That doesn't sound very friendly.
It's not supposed to be friendly.
The whole purpose of having a battle is to break down your opponent, to tear him apart.
What's your favourite sport? - Rugby.
- Okay.
There you go.
He's really bad at it, though.
I can't catch.
So, when she hurl an insult at you, you supposed to hurl one back at her.
Eat shit.
There you go, that was a hard line right there, baby.
Now, look at him, look at him.
There's something wrong with his face.
Make fun of it.
Well, he's got food on his teeth.
He's got food on his teeth? He always has almonds in his teeth.
So, he always got nuts in his mouth.
Oh, that's very clever! Sometimes you're gonna have to deal with somebody that's going to be bigger than you or more intimidating.
I've got to figure out a way to make this guy that might actually be able to kick my ass seem like he can't kick my ass.
You've got to go for the ankles with big men.
- Pause.
- In rugby, you can go for the What? You know what pause means? Okay, any time you say something with a homosexual undertone, you say "pause.
" What? I don't understand.
Or "No homo.
" "Pause" as in, "Right, stop everything, we're not having any of this funny business.
" You've got sunglasses on.
It's not even sunny.
Um, you've got so many clothes on 'cause you smell a bit funny.
You're quite short.
Next to him, you're like a titch.
I've got a lot of dogs, but you're a real bitch.
You're done! You're done! You're so tall like a giraffe, that you'll need an extra-long scarf.
- Um - It didn't rhyme.
It did rhyme! I did giraffe with scarf.
- It rhymes in my accent.
- Her accent makes it rhyme.
Giraffe and scarf.
- Okay.
- That's the king's English, man.
- Yeah.
- Queen.
It's a queen now.
- The Queen's English.
- It's a queen now.
He doesn't look very happy about the whole situation.
Maybe he's got a sour disposition.
Oh, that's good! You've got a sour disposition And you're so poor, you haven't got a pot to piss in.
He didn't like it.
That did not go down well.
That's almost when you get punched, like you might want to Okay, what? Run? You should probably just move on.
Move on, all right.
You know, people get quite upset when they don't have any money, don't they? Yeah.
And nobody in Detroit has got a bean.
So, I think while we're here, we could cheer them up a little bit.
You know, pull them up by their boot straps.
That's nice.
As long as they don't ask for any hand-outs or anything.
Oh, dear, what are these things? There is sort of smelly smoke coming out of them.
Oh! Like a stinky dry ice.
It's like a magic show in a Portaloo.
It's horrible.
I'm a little bit worried, actually, Poppy.
I don't know much about this car and I've noticed some lights coming up on the dashboard.
Well, I really like it.
It's like a dashboard disco.
Georgie is concerned that their truck isn't running well, so he and Poppy are stopping off to visit a local mechanic.
This is a very tight space.
Who's that? - Hello.
- Hello.
That's really cool.
Is this supposed to go over stuff, or was it just made for a very, sort of, fat man? Eh, hopefully not.
They're mine.
- Oh, okay.
- Don't be rude.
Mizzie's my wardrobe woman.
Everything has to go through her.
Thank you, Mark.
Are you going to be helping us, Kevin? Why not? Oh.
Who makes this car? That is a Plymouth Voyager, made by Chrysler Corporation.
- Plymouth's a place in England.
- Yeah.
I think the Americans actually stole a lot of names - from Europe.
- Really? "Detroit," it means something in French.
"Of" Detroit, "Of Of trout.
" - I don't really know French.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Oh, there we go.
Where's Kevin? He's a little shy.
Has he seen me with my belted dress? Okay, then, if you want to set that arm up there, George.
- Poppy likes men with beards.
- Yeah.
This is called an air ratchet.
Ooh! - Oh, it's taken me with it.
- It's got some torque, huh? Oh, my goodness.
It's like it's doing a wee.
- What is that? - Ew.
You are very popular, Mark.
Auto Lab.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
Thanks, bye-bye.
Is Kevin not coming back? I'm not sure.
While it's draining, what we can do is check the tire pressure.
Mark's not doing much work.
- No, I have to do everything.
- Hello, can I help you? I'll see you on Monday.
My name is Mark, just come in and ask for me.
I think he's running another business on the side.
I think he's talking to another woman.
Thanks for calling.
Mark? Next time the phone rings, maybe I could help and answer the phone call.
- That would be awesome.
- See what they want.
Oh, who? What shall I say? "Good afternoon, Auto Lab.
How may I help you?" Auto Lab? Hello, Auto Lab, how may I help you? Say your name's Georgie.
Tell them about me.
You have put diesel by mistake in your car.
Well, in I don't know how to fix it, but in future, you will need You will need to concentrate more when you're putting fuel in.
You'd need to concentrate more.
Mark, there's a lady there.
I think she's from a different country.
Thank you, George.
Thanks for holding.
Can I help you? Probably a thousand dollars or more to fix that.
Hi, Kevin.
Why are you so shy? I love shy guys.
Kevin, why do you have such a lovely shirt? Yours is maroon and it's really nicely fitting.
Working man.
He gets the management blue.
Poppy, you get it, Poppy.
Hello, it's the car shop, Poppy speaking.
Hello? So, what did you say? Spark plug wires.
Should you be writing this down? I'm going to put you on to Mark, who is basically, Mark works here, but I'm just hanging out.
My name's Poppy.
Poppy Carlton.
Okay, I'll put you on to Mark.
It's really nice talking to you.
What was your name? Sonny, okay, all right, it was really nice chatting to you, Sonny.
Bye, Sonny! Bye.
That was Sonny.
And then one other thing that's really important when you're changing out an oil filter, there's a gasket on the bottom of it.
See this black seal? That's what seals it to the engine block, so, you want to make sure that it's still there.
Sometimes they occasionally stick.
Place it into the hole.
Thanks, Kevin.
How fast do you think we can go, now we've had all this done? Are you married, Kevin? Where are we going? Okay, so, we want to undo the oil filler cap Everything makes funny noises in this place.
- Good beat.
- Yeah, I like it.
Will this make it go faster? - Oh, we're nearly there.
- Stop.
Kevin? Oh, nothing.
Don't worry.
- How do you take - Just pull it straight up.
No, it's not coming out, Mark.
It's stuck in the hole.
Georgie, hurry up, because I'm really getting so bored now.
Wipe the end.
Maybe shake it off.
Nanny always says, "Best thing to do, "one, two, three shakes of the lamb's tail.
" Is this looking good, then, Mark? Are we happy to go with this? - Is everything safe now? - Yes, sir.
Let's go, Poppy.
- Thank you, Mark.
- Thank you, George.
It was a pleasure to meet you.
- Lovely to meet you.
- I just did my own door! Come on, Poppy.
- Thanks, Mark! - Bye.
And say bye to Kevin from Poppy! I sure will.
- Bye.
- Saddle up.
Poppy and Georgie are in Detroit, Michigan They have already faced a rap battle and chabged the oil in their pickup truck.
They have now come to the deserted suburbs Hello.
to meet Pinky and Tyson, who run an urban farming initiative.
- Hi.
- How do you do? - I love those accents.
- They're awesome.
- Do you like the accents? - Yeah.
- It's very nice.
- Thank you.
So, this is our farm.
It doesn't look that impressive at the moment, but we did do 10,000 pounds of produce this year off this space.
10,000 pounds is a lot of money.
Oh, 10,000 pounds as in weight.
Oh, really! I was going to say, that's a really lovely holiday somewhere.
In order to make space for urban farms, Pinky and Tyson demolish old abandoned houses.
Who's used a sledge hammer before? I've forgotten if I have or not.
Well, I mean, let's all just jump in.
It's exciting and awesome.
Poppy, you've got to be careful, or otherwise Poppy's face will get smashed up.
Don't smash me up, I'm your sister! Hey guys, guys, real quick, we're using tools here.
You want to be careful.
We need to have, like, a very clear line of dialogue.
So, one person needs to be over there.
Whoa! Not me.
You can put a little muscle into it.
I just wanted to say, perhaps I just perhaps wanted to say a few words, just before I do it, because it's quite exciting.
Just, uh, it's nice to be in this house and think of how many nice things might have happened in this house.
Perhaps Christmas, Christmas dinner, with all the family sitting round and eating a nice dinner.
Or Thanksgiving, as you have here in America.
Or perhaps there was a murder, or someone died of a specific disease.
Or a cat could've been here.
So, uh, let's get smashing! Whoo! Nice! Whole window! - Leave some window for me! - No! Oh, nice! Oh, wait, no, that's the stud Hey guys, guys, I think we're all set here.
We don't want to do anything that's about the foundation.
You want to leave that bit there.
- I can take this back, thank you.
- I can hold onto it.
No, we're all good.
Hey, hey.
- This is a site.
- Georgie.
We're not gonna do anything that's gonna be dangerous, all right? I'm glad you, uh Thank you for taking out that window.
That was awesome.
That was absolutely fantastic.
I bet Wills and Kate have never demolished an actual house.
You can't do that in a pair of beige court shoes.
- Georgie - Yeah? Do you think, if you lived in Detroit, you'd live every day as though it were your last? Well, I think I do that anyway, Poppy.
That's why I never I never brush my teeth.
It's not all doom and gloom in Detroit.
Poppy is anxious to experience some high culture in the city.
She decides to have a ballet lesson, run by Eric, a former dance teacher with the Royal Ballet.
Georgie is joining her to provide moral support.
First position -- right hand reaches left, and left hand reaches right.
Eric, do boy ballet dancers ever put anything down the front, because I feel a bit flat.
We wear a dance belt.
Do we have one of those? Or just an apple or something I could put down there? You're amongst friends.
Don't worry.
You're modest.
I tried doing the helicopter in the toilet, but it didn't help.
- I'm worried I'm going to kick Peggy.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's all right.
You don't mind being kicked? Oh, okay.
Demi-plie one.
Demi-plie two.
What words are you saying? I don't understand it.
Um, all ballet's in French.
- Oh, no.
- We use French terms.
Like "fondue.
" Balance one, balance two.
This is like being out for a walk with Nanny.
And balance Watch out! Peggy's a survivor here.
I'm sure you are, Peggy.
I like a strong woman.
Georgie, am I doing the splits? I can't look, can I, because you're my sister.
There you go! Look, you're dancing.
Careful, Peggy.
Start from your knees and go down two.
Down we go.
Do you do girl dancing or boy dancing? I'm a boy.
Yeah, but ballet, it's mainly girlie.
No, it's mostly masculine.
Look, we have all the most beautiful women and most intelligent women in the world running around us.
I don't know, out freezing my fanny off, - you know, shooting ducks or hunting deer? - Eric! Eric, you know that "fanny" means something different where we're from.
Really? Instead of the buttocks, fanny means the ladies sponge.
No! Oh, I'm so terribly sorry! Please excuse me.
Balance right.
Balance left.
And a tombe pas de bourree.
And a step step and a grand jete off.
A grand shitay? A grand jete.
I hope I don't do a grand shitay in these tights.
I feel like two countries separated by a common language.
Because you said "fanny" earlier.
Whoops! Careful, Peggy! Okay, let's try that one more time.
And off we go.
And off we go.
Well done! One.
Very good.
Very good, Poppy! You look really, really sexy, Poppy.
Well done.
Very sexy.
Visiting the motor city of Detroit, Poppy and Georgie have already helped out on an urban farm and enjoyed some down-time a a ballet class.
Now for their last stop, they have been invited by wrestling manager Truth Martini to a Ring of Honour event in Dearborn, Michigan.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hello.
Hey, guys, how are you doin'? - Good, thank you.
- Good.
Lovely to meet you.
I'm Georgie.
- I'm Truth Martini.
- Hello, Truth Martini.
Lovely to meet you.
Very sharp-dressed man.
- Every woman loves a sharp-dressed man.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, my gosh, hello.
I'm Poppy, how do you do? - This is my sister, Poppy.
How you doing? What was your name? - Poppy.
- Poppy! I'm Truth Martini.
I would quite like to do something like wrestling.
It seems like a lot of fun.
It is fun.
It is fun, but it is hard work, and there's dedication.
I'm doing something I love, and I get to see the world on somebody else's dime.
What more can you ask? You know, that's a hard-working man.
Are you familiar with hard work? - Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.
- No.
The concept.
- You said no.
- No.
No? Hard work? How do you guys make your money? We already have it.
You're just born with money.
We've got it already, so It's already got already given to us.
I've heard of things like that.
Oh! Oh! What's this chap doing? Whoa! What's she doing? I don't know.
She's dressed like Tabitha at my 21st.
Nasty little slut.
As esteemed guests, Poppy and Georgie are invited to take centre stage in the Ring of Honour.
Come on, be nice.
A big round of applause for Poppy, and a big round of applause for Georgie Carlton.
Now, Georgie, you're a big strapping lad.
Have you ever wrestled anyone before? No, a lot of boys used to wrestle me at school, but I'd never wrestled back, unfortunately.
Georgie, I met you earlier, and the more I thought about it, I'm going to be honest with you, because I always speak the truth even when it hurts, I don't like you.
But on the other hand, Poppy, you kind of look like a slapper, as they say in England.
No, no, no, no, no! Give me the Whoa, whoa, whoa, Georgie.
No, you need to learn some manners, sir, unfortunately.
You need to be a gentleman, if indeed you are a man.
When I saw you earlier from behind, I thought you had the long hair and slim hips of a girl I'd like to hold hands with.
How about a good, old-fashioned arm wrestling contest? And, if I win, I get to kiss those sweet luscious lips.
No! Three, two, one! Georgie! Georgie! Georgie! No! Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the arm wrestling contest, Mr Truth Martini.
No! Boo! Now, Here comes the fun part, Poppy.
Lay those sweet lips right next to mine.
Pucker up, sweetie, it was a deal.
That was as stiff as you like! Georgie, some closing words for the wonderful people here at Dearborn? Can I just say it's been a real privilege to be here, and it will be a real privilege to leave Detroit with my wallet and my life.
Thank you! God save our gracious Queen Long live our noble Queen God save our Queen No, U-K! U-K!