Almost Royal (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

Great Outdoors

1 NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are back.
Reporting live for "News Today," I'm Nerissa Knight at a private airport in California where English aristocrats Poppy and Georgie Carlton have arrived on U.
S.
soil.
NARRATOR: The royal siblings, 68th and 69th in line to the English throne How do you do? I'm Poppy.
Hello, Lisa Vanderpump.
are still being followed 24 hours a day by a documentary crew.
Georgie, we share a common name.
Yes.
And this time, they're joining the ranks of the Internet generation Hello, investigative journalist Poppy Carlton here.
NARRATOR: Filming themselves as they embark on a cultural tour across the United States - Are you ready? - Three No, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Three, two, one, record.
NARRATOR: As they investigate the subjects that define American life today.
Learning lots about nature, haven't we, everyone? No.
Whoa, stop.
Stop! Are you asking me to [BLEEP] an alligator? Well, yes, but don't go in dry.
You always want to lick your finger first.
Well, I know that.
So, why are you here in the United States? We've come to explore the great American outdoors.
We've got so much in England, and we actually own quite a lot of it.
But we've become quite bored of it, so we're going to check out yours.
captions by vitac Hello, America.
This is Poppy Carlton and Georgie Carlton.
And we are talking to you from the great outdoors of America.
GEORGIE: This is what everyone drives when they go on a big outdoorsy holiday.
Why don't they just get a lovely hotel? We have to compromise somewhat on living conditions.
I noticed a stain on the ceiling, which was rather suspect.
Was it the one that looked like yogurt? - Yeah.
- Vanilla.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are on an odyssey through the United States heartland, learning about the great American outdoors.
They are beginning their journey amongst the mighty Californian redwoods, where they are meeting park ranger Alex.
How do you do? When you say ranger, what's your job? We patrol the trails.
We make sure people stay safe.
We're like the police for the park, so we enforce the laws here in the park.
I've got a taser, an electronic control weapon.
I've got pepper spray.
I've got a baton.
I've got a radio.
I've got two handcuff cases.
Can I ask, is that all for bears? Unfortunately, we don't have bears here in the park.
And I say unfortunately because they're extinct now.
We used to have grizzly bears here.
Oh, I thought there were still bears in the world.
There are still bears in the world but not here at Big Basin.
Oh, I thought you No, that was a bit of a bombshell to drop that there are no more bears.
I didn't mean to drop a bombshell on you.
No, we still have bears.
We even have bears in California but just not this part of California.
We've got lots of bear heads in our house at Caunty Manor.
- You do? - Yeah.
I'm not attached to the bear, attached to the frame, which is attached to the wall.
Good.
Yeah.
You can hang your keys on the teeth.
Do you do that? And I put my pashminas on one of their necks.
NARRATOR: Once briefed by Alex, Poppy and Georgie join a walking tour and set off into the forest.
Learning lots about nature, haven't we, everyone? TOGETHER: Yes.
Yes.
That's the group of people we've been walking with.
This might be a good place to set up shop for the night.
Georgie, I don't want to stay here.
Does anyone know how to put a house up? [LAUGHTER] POPPY: I'm helpin' from over here.
Okay, Poppy.
You keep going.
Okay.
This is this is American can-do spirit here.
Here we go.
Georgie, how are we going to sleep? Are we going to top and tail? Yeah, we Should we top and tail? WOMAN: What does that mean? Um, it it you might say 69, head one end and toes the other.
Well, what are we going to do? I don't want to sleep in there.
It looks really uncomfy.
- Let me have a look.
- No.
I don't want to.
Oh dear, smaller than I thought.
Aah.
[LAUGHTER] NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are slowly getting to grips with the great outdoors.
To guide them through this strange new world, they have enlisted the help of American actress, Broadway star, and all around country girl, Laura Bell Bundy.
Do you need me to say anything or nothing? MAN: Why don't you just say hello to Poppy.
Hello.
Okay.
Okay, yep.
And if she remembers to mention me, you can say hello to me as well.
Hello, it's Poppy Carlton again.
I'm here with Laura Bell Bundy, Kentucky girl and country singer woman.
Who better to talk about the great outdoors with? It's Laura Bell.
Hello.
Hello.
And Georgie Got something to add, just say it.
And Georgie Carlton.
NARRATOR: Georgie begins with a question about parks in the United States.
Um, so we've been traveling around America - Okay.
- Learning a bit about the great outdoors.
Have you heard of the park ranger? Yes.
I have heard of a park ranger.
They go around and make sure that the park is protected and that everybody is, um, kind of obeying the rules of the park.
Oh, okay, because there's a park quite near us in Norfolk where, um, it's quite famous for where men go to meet other men.
Oh.
They found each other by using an app on their phone.
Oh, yes.
What is that called, um - Homophobia.
- No, no.
I don't think so.
Um, it's not Homo sapien anyway.
It was before Tinder Grinder! - Grinder.
- Grinder.
- Yeah.
- Grinder.
But you didn't really need it in that park.
I think you could chuck a rock, and you'd hit a gay.
GEORGIE: When most people see nature, they think about taking a photograph of it.
Well, when Americans see it, they think about punching it to death.
I know I do.
But we're here today to meet people who rescue alligators so they're not a nuisance for other people.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are meeting John and Karina, who manage a sanctuary for unwanted and nuisance alligators.
So, what are you going to do today? Well, we're gonna show you some of the animals - that we got.
- Yeah.
And then we're gonna do a little bit of training.
I've never done anything like touching an alligator.
KARINA: Well, it's gonna be a fun experience.
- Okay, you guys ready? - Yes, absolutely.
Lovely.
Yeah, why not? - Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my gosh.
Is that real? KARINA: Yeah.
He's real.
GEORGIE: I thought it was a log.
I didn't even spot it.
JOHN: This guy's an American crocodile.
And how can you tell it's American? Is it because it's just sort of lying around? I thought that was an alligator.
Alligators and crocodiles are different.
And the way you can tell them apart is alligators have a more rounded shape and their heads are more broad.
Is it offensive if I can't tell the difference? NARRATOR: Having been introduced to the inhabitants of the park, Georgie is invited to get even closer.
The only way to find out if it's a male or a female is to put your finger in and see what you find.
You are you joking? I'm not joking.
So I was hoping you might be willing to go and try to find out if it's If we got a male alligator or a female.
Can I just double check: Are you asking me to [BLEEP] an alligator? Well, yes, but don't go in dry.
You always want to lick your finger first.
Well, I know that.
Well, I don't know this alligator well enough.
- Well, you will soon enough.
- Oh, there's the hole.
There's the hole.
Can I catch a disease from this? No.
Because I've heard about I've heard about gator-aids.
Just thought it went dry.
Oh, I'm in.
Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, look at Look at his or her eyes.
POPPY: Get another knuckle in! I think, to be honest, I think it's a one-knuckle situation, Poppy.
Oh, this is so vulgar.
It's smiling! Oh, it's a girl.
Did you enjoy the alligators or I'll be honest, I can't tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.
Our father had a similar situation between a Chinese woman and a Japanese man.
Uh, and he got removed from the murder mystery party, spoiled the whole evening apparently.
NARRATOR: Aspiring online commentators Poppy and Georgie Carlton are traveling the highways and byways of the United States investigating the great outdoors.
I feel like I'm swamped in the color beige.
This is why low-middle class people like traveling in RVs through America, because it's the same tree over and over again, the same piece of road over and over again.
And it helps to remind them that life will never get more interesting or any better.
NARRATOR: Continuing their journey into the great outdoors, Poppy and Georgie have come to meet some lifeguards who patrol a dangerous stretch of the Florida coast.
So, you're gonna pick this up.
You're gonna run out to your victim.
Victim? Somebody, whoever's drowning or Oh, they're a victim already.
They're not you're not running after your victim.
No.
You made it sound quite sinister.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess so.
One of our uncles used to call his girlfriends his victims.
- Yeah, he was hilarious.
- All right.
Well, here we just, we call them victims.
What if you're here by yourself, and there's two people drowning, like a very old man and a baby? How do you choose? Go for the little kid, obviously.
But then what if you find out the little kid's racist? Still got to get him.
This is the main part of our job, to get into the water.
So we're gonna be high legging it out.
Our grandfather used to high leg quite a lot just around the house on Christmas day.
All right.
Let's go.
We'll save you.
Don't worry! [POPPY LAUGHS] Wha! Oh, my God! Oh, no! - It's really cold! - Oh, it's freezing! No! No.
Georgie, you did really well.
My sausage and eggs have turned into a chipolata and quail's eggs I'm not going back in there.
- Would you guys work - No.
as lifeguards? Maybe I could be the lifeguard who keeps a lookout and then send you guys in when you need to save someone.
So you would have to work up to that, though.
That would be our captain.
So you got to start out on the bottom.
No.
When you come from a good background, you always go straight up to captain or officer.
Yeah, because you'll probably know people from the top.
You might have gone to school with them or something.
It's not what you know.
It's who you know? Yeah.
Yeah.
What is your motto? My motto is, I mean, for lifeguarding is make sure everybody comes out here and has a safe and wonderful time.
- That's lovely.
- And they get to go home.
Quite the long motto.
Make sure everyone comes out here and has a safe and nice time, and they get to go home every day.
Is the ocean friend or foe? - The ocean is a friend.
- Lovely.
Why do you think that? I think, you know, we as human beings, we're 80% water, and most of our planet is water.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I might look like I'm 80% water, but I can assure you, flesh and flesh and bone.
Right, what's your flesh made of, though? Water.
- Blood.
- Oh, okay, well, yeah.
Anyway, we can agree to disagree.
Some women will do anything to get people to look at them.
So we're here to meet the lovely ladies of the Weeki Wachee Mermaid Show to find out what life's like for the voluntarily disabled.
Should we go in? A nice fountain.
I love this fountain.
NARRATOR: Mermaids have been swimming here in Weeki Wachee since 1947.
They perform three shows a day using free-flowing air from the underwater pipes to remain submerged for long periods of time.
Hello.
Poppy and Georgie are meeting Mariah and Danielle, two of the mermaids.
What made you want to be mermaids? Um, it's always just been, kind of like, in our hometown, so driving by it as I was growing up.
Once I turned 18, I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna go try out.
" And then I got the job and it was awesome.
It's just an awesome job.
Do you think you'll always be doing this? Not always.
I mean Is there an age limit, so would would Not necessarily, no.
I mean, we have former mermaids that come in and do their shows on the weekends, because they're from the '60s, '70s and they're still doing this.
Is that not scary for the children, a very old mermaid? I don't think so.
It's more like nostalgic.
I hear we're going to give it a go.
Sure.
Awesome.
Let's go.
- Get our fish on.
- What fun.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie have been transformed into mythical creatures of the deep and wait for Mariah and Danielle to surface.
- Oh, look.
- Oh! It's like a dream I once had.
In the dream, I ended up being tucked into my cot with a peacock with absolutely ginormous breasts.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Wow.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Should we come in? - Yeah.
Great.
Lovely.
Oh, my goodness.
It's very cold.
Yeah.
Oh, no! [GROANS] How does it feel? Well, I think my fins just shrunk.
I'm not the most dignified merman.
[LAUGHTER] Merman, uh, come from Salt Lake City, don't they? Oh, that's mormons.
Oh.
[LAUGHS] We misunderstood.
Sound similar.
I'm not sure I've quite nailed the graceful side of things.
That's all right.
Just try to keep your ankles together and Yeah, well, there's i don't have much choice in that.
[LAUGHS] Just being a mermaid.
Poppy, say hello.
There's a a mermaid Poppy.
Hello.
I'm mermaid Poppy.
You look like mother after her gin.
Has there ever been a mermaid who's just gone mad and killed one of the trainers? WOMAN: Not that I know of, no.
GEORGIE: Is it wet suit or mermaid tails that you're allowed to wee into? Mermaid tails.
- You're allowed to? - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
- Or wetsuits.
- That's good.
I'll be honest, i should have asked earlier.
Something nice, isn't it, Poppy? Yeah.
I worry about them a little bit, though.
I'm worried they might get a bit self conscious having such a fishy downstairs.
How many young women, do you think, have died in this RV at the hand of a man or otherwise? That's a very good question.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie Carlton continue their tour of the United States, hitting the open road to find out more about the great outdoors.
Their next stop is an RV park to find a place to rest for the night.
Whoa! Stop! Stop! Oh, bugger.
- Hello! - Hello! Welcome to Pelican RV Park.
All right.
I'll show you guys where do you want to uh, - where you can park at.
- Yes.
We'd like we'd like the nicest space, please.
All right.
I got you.
It's not a park, Georgie.
- It's under a big motorway.
- I know.
It's not like a British park, is it, where you might see a stag or an attractive lady running.
This is more like It's more like a business park where the only business is crack cocaine.
NARRATOR: Once their new home is installed for the night, Poppy and Georgie set off to extend some hospitality to their new neighbors.
Beg your pardon? Yeah.
We arrived recently, yeah.
We're just seeing what everyone likes to do with their time off and enjoy the great outdoors.
No.
This is a very noisy place to park your RV.
Where is the worst place you've ever parked your RV? Oh, that's noisy.
[SIREN WAILS] Good night, Poppy.
Good night, Georgie.
It's fun sleeping top to tail, Poppy.
I think it's called 69, Georgie.
What's the best mode of transport in the great outdoors? Well, I do think an RV is the best mode of transport.
And why? Well, because it's kind of Um, you can sleep in it.
It gets you around.
Do you not think it's a bit, uh, creepy? I think it's just one step up from having a mattress in the back of a van, like our Uncle Robin.
- Oh.
- He's dreadful.
- He is, yeah.
- He's an absolute pervert.
- You know perverts? - I do.
I know a few perverts.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Do you know Uncle Robin? - No.
But I can't wait to meet him.
[BEEP] MAN: Good morning, America.
It's vibe 102 FM.
NARRATOR: As part of their ongoing investigation into the great outdoors, Poppy and Georgie have been invited to attend a protest in defense of marine mammals.
Dolphins, Poppy, are the, uh, are the ones that should be banned because they're the ones that make all little children go bald when they touch them.
[HORNS HONKING] POPPY: Hello.
How do you do? I'm Poppy.
Hi.
I'm Ellen.
Hello.
I'm Georgie.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Hey, Georgie.
Georgie Carlton, lovely to meet you, Ellen.
Nice to meet you.
What is it that's going on today? Well, today we're having a protest here at SeaWorld.
Are you pro or anti? We are against captivity.
Would it be possible to get involved in the protest and see how it all works? I would love to have you guys be part of our protest.
In fact, I'd be honored.
Oh, thank you.
So what sort of things should we do? Just hold up your sign.
And sometimes we chant.
Oh, like at yoga? What sort of chant can we Are there any chants we can do? Um, we can do One, two, three, four, open up the cage doors.
Five, six, seven, eight One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
You can express it loudly to the people about how you feel about captivity.
[HORNS HONKING] The beach is only a mile away, so why don't you go to the beach instead of buying a ticket? There are other things you can spend your money on, like shoes and handbags.
GEORGIE: Have you ever been to SeaWorld? I have been to SeaWorld.
Um, have you seen there's, um, a very hard-hitting fishy documentary about the captivity in SeaWorld called "Free" "Free Willy.
" Well, "Free Willy" is a movie.
Yeah.
But there's another documentary, and I forget the name "Blackfish"? In England, you wouldn't be allowed to say blackfish.
What? You wouldn't be allowed to say blackfish in England.
- Oh, you can't? - No.
You can't say black.
It's just against the rules.
- What? - You just have to say Ethnically challenged.
Oh, there's well, I don't think it the whale you consider an a whale ethnically challenged Or a person ethnically challenged.
[BEEPING CONTINUES] Hello, Martha.
I'm Georgie Carlton.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
I like your, um, I like your hair band that you're wearing.
- It's called a droopy dorsal.
- Oh.
My friend Duffy had that once, but it was just nerves.
This is what happens to male orcas in captivity.
But it probably happens to all whales - now and again.
- No, it doesn't.
I've never been with a guy it's happened to, but some of my uglier friends have.
And it's just something that you pretend is okay but then talk about after.