Alone Together (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Dinner Party
1 Please no water bill, please no water bill, please no water bill, please no water bill.
I told you, move into a place where utilities are included.
- You don't listen.
- Are utilities included in the house that your parents bought you? They didn't get me a house.
They got my brother a house, and I just live there, but yeah, utilities are included.
Oh, my God, it's them.
Act normal.
They're just your neighbors.
Just say hi.
I can't just say hi to women like this, okay? They have perfect hair, they have this magical smell, and people are always leaving their apartment happier than when they went in.
They're coming.
Say something smart.
What kind of smart? Book smart or regular smart? Just smart smart.
And that's when I said, "Listen", "the data has been compromised.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
- We're neighbors, right? - That's right.
I'm Rose, and this is my wife, Camille.
I'm Esther, and this is my wife, Benji.
You'll have to excuse her.
She usually makes, like, 15% to 20% more sense.
We just saw a 3D movie, and she's sort of like, frazzled and stuff.
Don't you love those? It's incredible what they can do with computers now.
I use computers.
I do.
Well, this has been fun.
We should do it again sometime.
Yeah, get together or something.
Really? Oh, I would do anything.
Dinner? Tonight? Right now? What do you guys think? - Yeah.
- Sure.
Like 7:00? I was gonna say 7:00.
Triple jinx.
Okay, perfect.
We'll see you then.
We will see you then.
Can we, um, bring anything? Please, no.
Don't you bring a thing.
- BOTH: Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
Perfect.
I'll see you then.
What, are you Rachael Ray? You're gonna make people dinner tonight? I guess they'll bring it.
You just told them not to bring anything.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This has to go really well, right? These women could be the perfect mentors for me.
I feel like mentors aren't a real thing, and you should just read a book on leadership or something.
Benji, mentorship is very real.
Look at me.
My life's a mess.
Ever since Oprah went off the air, I stopped growing.
The only way I'm ever gonna become a powerful woman is if I have one around me to copy off of.
- Tonight, I could have two.
- All right, all right.
Ask them to be your mentors.
You can't just ask, or maybe you can.
I don't know.
- That's why I need a mentor.
- That's why you need a CAT scan.
I don't know what I'm doing, okay.
Realistically, the only dinner party I ever went to was the wake after my great-aunt's funeral, and it did not go well, okay.
The turnout was low, my parents got into a huge fight, - I had a stomachache.
- Okay, fine, I'll help you with the food.
- Really? - I've been to a million dinner parties.
I can make a cheese plate in my sleep.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
And you know what? I'm gonna do something really important, too.
I'm gonna sit in the bathtub and visualize this night going perfectly.
Okay, here's a thing.
Instead of visualizing, I think you should clean your apartment, because it looks like the returns counter at Ross.
Ross is a successful corporation, so thank you.
Seriously, dude, tidy up.
Okay.
Well, this is my taste, so Rotisserie chicken for one? No, but that's very perceptive of you to pick up my lonely vibes.
It's for a dinner party.
Um just drinking soy milk straight up like that.
It's kind of bad for your system.
I just stopped drinking it because it was making my genitals kind of atrophy.
- Neat.
- And you should be extra careful, because soy can trigger breast cancer in women.
Um, I'm sorry, are you, like, a doctor or something? No.
Why? What does that matter? You have, like, a lot of opinions about breast cancer and what I'm putting into my body.
Well, you appear to have a healthy body, and your breasts look healthy also, so I thought you would wanna know.
Do you think it's okay that you're talking about my breasts? I mean, I talked about my genitals Why are we talking about your genitals?! I don't know, we're all human, and we're gonna die one day, and let's talk about the things that make us mortal.
I don't know.
You need to go.
- I have to go? - Out that door.
- Are you mad at me? - Do you bring your bags? Hey, are these statement glasses too much of a statement? I'm trying to say "I need your help," but without an exclamation point.
You shouldn't ask me anything.
I'm such an idiot, man.
The cashier at that market pretty much accused me of being a misogynist, and I was just trying to be nice.
Yeah, that co-op is scary.
One time, I forgot to bring my bag, and they made me carry my groceries out in my sweatshirt.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, my God, they're early.
It's a power move, I think.
Wait.
I have to answer.
It'll send the wrong message.
Welcome! BOTH: Hi.
Oh, it's so cute! We got you a little something.
Are you kidding me? Thank you.
I love a little something.
You should have.
- Oh, so cute.
- Yeah.
Cute's for babies.
You guys are cute, though.
Um, appetizers or anything? I can get you a tartine with a sheep's milk cheese that was pre-made, but I'll take credit for it.
- Oh, sure.
- That'll be great.
We're famished.
We've been walking Oh, honey, 17,000 steps today.
17,000? Get out of here! In those wedges? ESTHER: Exercise is good for you.
So, kids, what's on the menu? Tonight, we are preparing a rotisserie chicken, and it's actually a wonderful recipe.
I got it off Elizabeth Warren's Pinterest page.
She's a senator.
And then, for dessert, we are going to do Esther cake.
It's a homemade cake.
We love cake, Esther.
I love cake the most.
I love it.
Hey, hey.
Come here.
Please excuse me for one moment.
Don't touch that dial What's up? Okay, so I was really frazzled at the market, and I think I forgot one of the bags there.
So all that we have is lettuce and toilet paper.
- Wait, what? - There's no rotisserie chicken.
Do you think they would eat a toilet paper salad? What is this, Panda Express? I don't think so.
Okay, so obviously, we can't throw a dinner party without dinner.
'Cause then it would just be a regular party, and I didn't make the right playlist for that.
Okay, I think we should just reschedule.
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell them that you pooped your pants.
No, don't okay, fine.
But just tell them it's not a regular thing.
I'm not making any promises.
Why don't we just go back to the store, and we can pick up the food? I'm so glad you heard us.
That's a great idea.
I can't go back to that co-op.
I'm not welcome there.
- Why not? - Why not? People think when you're a man, you can't be a victim, but when you're short and opinionated, it happens more than you think.
It'll be fine.
I'll go with you.
She'll go with you.
It's gonna be great.
We can mix it up and get to know each other.
Oh, my God, like a one-on-one.
- Yeah.
- Benji, please go.
We'll never make it to hometowns if you don't.
- Will you keep me safe? - Trust.
Come on.
I got you.
We'll be back.
Are you braiding my hair? Yeah.
It's a loose French braid.
It's gonna look amazing.
Okay.
It's not like I wanna make people angry.
I wanna be liked by everyone all the time.
It's paralyzing when I say stupid stuff.
You know what, Benji, I'm just gonna be stern with you, because you seem to respond better when people tell you what to do.
- That's true.
You're very perceptive.
- Thank you.
Now go over there and apologize to her.
Yeah, I don't like that.
That's not my thing.
Benji, did you or did you not tell me you were being an asshole to this woman? I guess.
Man up.
Man up.
Let's go.
Okay, fine.
You have to come with me.
Okay.
You first.
Do you think I have enough to make a salad? I have a cheddar, a Swiss, and a cheddar-Swiss blend.
Yeah, okay.
That'll work.
Take 'em out.
Let's start unpeeling, and, uh, let's see.
I will take this cranberry juice, and make a reduction.
- Start stringing those.
- Okay.
Um, what are you looking for? Whatever wants to be found.
Wow.
Um, hey, Camille, do you know those salads that taste really good like they don't even taste like salads, but you don't know why.
Do you know why? What makes a really good salad is minced garlic.
That's garlic? Actually, candied walnuts are better, but you don't have walnuts, so we're gonna mince garlic.
- Got it.
- I'll show you how.
Just take a clove.
This is a clove.
- It's like a petal.
- Of course.
Right.
Now pick up your knife.
And you're not gonna cut, you're gonna press.
So you're gonna lay it flat.
There you go.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Oh, shoot, someone's here.
Benji must've forgot his keys.
You gave him keys to your apartment? He doesn't deserve them, does he? I'll take them away.
- I'll take them away right now.
- [STAMMERS.]
Oh, no, game night.
No, no, no.
No.
You didn't forget again.
My iCal hasn't been syncing.
I'm going through an Apple change.
Well, come on, man, let's get this thing started.
We're having a dinner party, you gotta go.
- Great.
I'm starving.
- No, you can't - Hi.
- Hi.
- Look, a new friend.
- New friend? Old friend.
We've been friends for years.
New friend for me.
Come on in.
- I'm Jeff.
- A pleasure.
Camille.
I was just offering Jeff a glass of water.
What a wonderful host.
We have plenty of drizzle for everybody.
Jeff loves drizzle.
Thank you.
- Gianna.
- Hi.
Oh, great.
As we practiced.
I'm sorry I tried explaining something to you that you might've already known.
You know damn well what you're putting in your body, and I shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Sometimes I just wanna be helpful, and the tone I use makes it sound like I know better than you, when I don't.
I'm I'm just a weak man with an unnecessarily strong point of view.
Amen.
Thank you for that.
- Here is your bag.
- Ah, thanks.
- All right, bye, girl.
- Bye, babe.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- I'm making dinner tonight.
- Good.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.
She's cool.
- Yeah.
- I should give her a hug.
No hug.
No hug, no touching.
Wow.
This looks great.
Camille, do you have, like, a background in interior design, because you're just so intuitive.
Yes, I do.
Nate Berkus and I have the same hypnotist.
Oh, my gosh.
Wow, feng shui is real.
And multivitamins are - Very real.
- Yes.
- And 401(k)'s? - Important.
A self-IRA works, too.
- How about flossing? - Occasionally.
Once a week is fine.
Should I be more worried about under my eyes or my neck? Actually, you know what's weird? - It's your hands.
- Of course.
- They give it away.
- 100% Excuse me.
Is El Chupacabra real? You mean the Mexican vampire weasel? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
Okay.
This is coming together.
We need seating.
Yes, we do.
We do need seating.
- Hey, Cami.
- How'd it go? You won't believe how brave Benji was.
He apologized to a woman in public.
Oh, my God.
Did you really do that, Benji? It wasn't a big deal.
Since we're all back, I wanna take a second, and show you guys something very special.
Wait, so what happened? I want to hear it.
This was a huge deal.
This is real growth.
I mean, it felt courageous, but I couldn't have done it without Rose.
She's my rock.
I mean, she's your rock.
In that moment, she was my rock, too.
- I'll share my rock.
- Thanks for rock sharing.
[LAUGHTER.]
Wait, what are you oh, right.
- Game night.
- Y'all bullshit people.
I love you, dude.
So one night, I was up late, my parents were asleep, I ordered these on QVC.
They're Princess Diana commemorative dishware.
I really admire her for her strength and her beauty, but mostly her beauty.
I'm sorry.
I think maybe you should set those, and get the table ready, and I'm just gonna help Benji out in the kitchen, 'cause I really wanna hear more about his breakthrough.
Oh, actually, um I think I would be best suited doing whatever it is that you're doing.
I'm an excellent copycat.
But we need someone to do this, so you do that and we'll do this.
- Then we'll come back.
- Okay.
Where were you guys when Princess Diana died? - ROSE: It was amazing.
- BENJI: Thank you.
Hey, these women are so much fun.
They're great.
They're very great.
ROSE: My Pilates instructor, Benji, can make you stand an inch taller.
Oh, my God, that sounds great, but I feel taller already.
Jeff, I wanna feel taller.
My transformation's slipping away from me.
Maybe there's a scenario where everybody wins.
Jeff, you wanted to play a game? Guess what.
Tonight, we're gonna play a game, and the prize is those women, and I'm gonna win them.
I don't think you should say things like that.
[LAUGHTER.]
As you know, there's an obesity epidemic in this country, so to control my metabolism, I eat 20 really small meals a day.
If it's bigger than my hand, I won't even put it in my mouth.
Yeah, it's so important to treat your body like a temple, or however you choose to worship.
And that reminds me of this think piece I recently read about Gwyneth.
I know we all have mixed feelings about her.
But Gloria Steinem had actually reposted it, so I feel comfortable bringing it up at the dinner table.
Oh, Gloria.
She's so inspirational.
We have every last one of her books.
If you wanna borrow one, just let us know.
- I would love that.
- [DERISIVE CHUCKLE.]
Say good-bye to that book.
Funny thing about reading.
I'm a speed reader.
I'm not formally trained or anything, but my words per minute is pretty off the chain.
Huh.
I was in a gifted program growing up, and I actually read books back to front.
It's a Japanese tradition that I've adopted.
In all fairness, though, I have a biological advantage with reading, because I have very thick corneas.
Makes me a great candidate for Lasik.
I actually, whenever I take a dance class, the teacher always asks me to stand in the front row, just so that I can set a good example, and other students - can learn from me and my form.
- Okay.
I took the hardship of being raised by a housekeeper, and turned it into being bilingual.
Que bueno.
Me gusta la playa.
- ¿Que esta pasando? - Not much.
I actually went to the most diverse high school in the nation.
We had a pep assembly about it.
I think it's called assimilation.
I'm sort of a wordsmith.
I can do a perfect cartwheel from memory.
Do you guys wanna see? What do you mean, from memory? Like, I have it memorized.
Hey, Esther, shouldn't we serve our guests dessert before the acrobatic portion of this evening? I think that's wise.
So I think you should just sort of chill out a little, 'cause I'm killing it.
Remember that you're not supposed to be killing it tonight, because you think mentors are stupid? I changed my mind, okay? Maybe I want mentors, too.
They're really body positive with me, and I feel safe asking them pretty much any question.
You are a man, and you feel safe asking anyone anything.
I'm small, and everywhere I go, life is a threat.
Those women are mine.
Did you ever think that maybe those women don't like being referred to as objects that can be owned? Did you ever think that that's not really how you talk, right? Oh, 'cause this is how you talk? Yeah, and you know what I was thinking? Maybe we should just go out there, and we'll let them decide who they want to be their mentee.
Okay, fine.
Great.
- Don't.
- What? It's my apartment, I'm taking this cake out.
You can't be trusted with cake.
I can be trusted.
It's my apartment.
I'll decide who can be trusted and who can't be.
Give me the cake.
- Absolutely not.
- You're gonna get dandruff on the cake.
- I am not.
- Yes, sir! - Frenchy.
- Stop! - [HISSES.]
I don't mean to be intrusive, but is this common, the way they compete for attention? This is nothing.
Usually on game night, we never get to the actual game.
They just spend the whole evening screaming at each other about the rules.
It's actually a pretty good metaphor for their relationship.
CAMILLE: Wow.
Nice moves.
Ballet for eight years.
Broadway jazz for five.
That might work as a wonderful way to non-verbally express what you're feeling on the inside.
You know what else is great? - Games.
- I love games.
Especially something with a performative element.
No, no, no, we're not playing charades.
She makes all the clues up, and unless you know a ton of stuff about late '90s girl groups, you don't have a chance.
I actually send out a Spotify playlist ahead of time, so if you did your homework, you wouldn't have a problem.
All right, now it's feeling like game night.
Well, Benji, Esther, do you guys like to be on the same team? Oh, they always play on the same team.
It's been that way since the day they met.
Actually, I'd love to hear that story.
- How did you guys meet? - Yeah, how did you meet? Of course, yes.
Um, I was at the Comedy Store on stage doing stand-up at the open mic, and I heard this sharp, annoying, almost painful voice coming from the back of the room.
It was a heckler I wasn't heckling.
Esther was on stage bombing, trying to do crowd work by asking the audience what their favorite Cheesecake Factory entree was, so I stepped in to save her I didn't actually need to be saved, because I was doing just fine, and even if I was failing, failure is a part of the process.
That's how you grow, that's how you achieve, et cetera.
Now Esther, how does it make you feel when Benji questions your recollection of how you two met? Honestly, Rose, it makes me feel terrible.
It's weird that you feel terrible about certain things, and not about other things, like, for example, her Etsy account got flagged, 'cause she was selling unlicensed Heath Ledger merch.
Whatever.
You're just jealous that I was breastfed and you weren't.
You think I'm the only formula baby at this table? You don't know who you just offended.
I think maybe we should just take a breath.
You're right, and here it is, it's on full display.
This is the reason why I, moving forward, would love for you two to be my mentors.
By mentor, you mean mental health professionals? Then sure, we can help you, no problem.
No, I mean mentor, like someone who looks at all the problems I'm having and then fixes them for you.
Yeah, we do that for a living.
We're psychologists.
I'm sorry, you must've noticed that The clients coming in and out of our apartment.
What are you talking about? I thought you just had a lot of friends.
No.
We've actually been observing you since you moved into the building.
It's interesting; we thought that you were probably an emancipated minor, you know, because of your dietary habits, and then, we thought, no, maybe it's Benji is keeping you against your will as an indentured servant.
I mean, how would I keep someone against their will? I'm 125 pounds.
We were wrong about that.
After spending time with you two this evening, this is clearly a textbook case of codependency, and it's keeping you both from reaching your full potential.
Yes! Thank you! My fault.
Sorry about that.
- That was good.
He's very healthy.
- Yes.
It's the truth.
So all of this was just to drum up business for your practice? I mean, look around.
She can't afford therapy.
What kind of therapist spies on potential patients? That sounds unethical to me.
We weren't spying.
You're so obviously unwell, we couldn't help but notice.
Thank you for the groundbreaking diagnosis - that we're codependent.
- Really.
You go to University of Phoenix? We know we're codependent.
I mean, we text each other every time we have a bowel movement.
Yeah.
We FaceTime every night before bed, and fall asleep to each other's ambient noises.
Ambient noises to fall asleep; that is not normal, girl.
I think you two should just have sex with each other, and call it a day.
Wow, what a revolution.
Yeah, we know.
You think you're the first person to say that? Suggesting we have sex is the most hack thing to say to us right after "you're codependent.
" Okay.
You know what? We didn't come here to drum up business.
We don't need your business.
We came here to have a nice dinner with our neighbors.
But I think it's time to leave, honey.
- Yeah, I do.
- I think that's a great idea.
I think you should just go.
Go.
Please go.
We'll just show ourselves out.
Please show yourselves out and go, I think that's great.
I'm so sorry.
I've been in therapy for ten years.
I want you to know, I'm on your side.
It's just, I gotta stay for cake.
Wait, before you go, can I ask you one question for free? How do you guys smell so good all the time? Is it a shower? What is it? Small-batch lavender oil.
Very expensive.
Thank you.
Get out! - The jitterbug.
- Uh, ten-meter sprint.
- Wayne's World flashback.
- Jay-walking ticket.
Flashback.
"Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls.
" '90s girl groups.
Always remember the category.
I'm sorry.
Now that you say that, you were nailing it.
- I know.
- I just missed it.
Okay, I'm up.
No.
Esther, I don't know what any of these things are.
I mean, what is "No More" (Baby I'm a do right)? 3LW.
Dude, did you have no childhood? - What's going on? - Making games only you can win? What are you, Angelica from Rugrats? You guys, if you're not doing the right research before you play the game, that's on you.
Where did you get this cake? It's actually three old cakes pushed into one cake, and one of them is from my half-birthday party, which I'm still waiting on my presents, guys.
So this cake's from three months ago? When you push all the cakes together, it's like recycling.
It was in the freezer, okay? The icing is brand-new.
All right, I'm out.
See you guys next week.
- What? - What's next week? You guys suck.
- So negative.
- I know.
I told you, move into a place where utilities are included.
- You don't listen.
- Are utilities included in the house that your parents bought you? They didn't get me a house.
They got my brother a house, and I just live there, but yeah, utilities are included.
Oh, my God, it's them.
Act normal.
They're just your neighbors.
Just say hi.
I can't just say hi to women like this, okay? They have perfect hair, they have this magical smell, and people are always leaving their apartment happier than when they went in.
They're coming.
Say something smart.
What kind of smart? Book smart or regular smart? Just smart smart.
And that's when I said, "Listen", "the data has been compromised.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
- We're neighbors, right? - That's right.
I'm Rose, and this is my wife, Camille.
I'm Esther, and this is my wife, Benji.
You'll have to excuse her.
She usually makes, like, 15% to 20% more sense.
We just saw a 3D movie, and she's sort of like, frazzled and stuff.
Don't you love those? It's incredible what they can do with computers now.
I use computers.
I do.
Well, this has been fun.
We should do it again sometime.
Yeah, get together or something.
Really? Oh, I would do anything.
Dinner? Tonight? Right now? What do you guys think? - Yeah.
- Sure.
Like 7:00? I was gonna say 7:00.
Triple jinx.
Okay, perfect.
We'll see you then.
We will see you then.
Can we, um, bring anything? Please, no.
Don't you bring a thing.
- BOTH: Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
Perfect.
I'll see you then.
What, are you Rachael Ray? You're gonna make people dinner tonight? I guess they'll bring it.
You just told them not to bring anything.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This has to go really well, right? These women could be the perfect mentors for me.
I feel like mentors aren't a real thing, and you should just read a book on leadership or something.
Benji, mentorship is very real.
Look at me.
My life's a mess.
Ever since Oprah went off the air, I stopped growing.
The only way I'm ever gonna become a powerful woman is if I have one around me to copy off of.
- Tonight, I could have two.
- All right, all right.
Ask them to be your mentors.
You can't just ask, or maybe you can.
I don't know.
- That's why I need a mentor.
- That's why you need a CAT scan.
I don't know what I'm doing, okay.
Realistically, the only dinner party I ever went to was the wake after my great-aunt's funeral, and it did not go well, okay.
The turnout was low, my parents got into a huge fight, - I had a stomachache.
- Okay, fine, I'll help you with the food.
- Really? - I've been to a million dinner parties.
I can make a cheese plate in my sleep.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
And you know what? I'm gonna do something really important, too.
I'm gonna sit in the bathtub and visualize this night going perfectly.
Okay, here's a thing.
Instead of visualizing, I think you should clean your apartment, because it looks like the returns counter at Ross.
Ross is a successful corporation, so thank you.
Seriously, dude, tidy up.
Okay.
Well, this is my taste, so Rotisserie chicken for one? No, but that's very perceptive of you to pick up my lonely vibes.
It's for a dinner party.
Um just drinking soy milk straight up like that.
It's kind of bad for your system.
I just stopped drinking it because it was making my genitals kind of atrophy.
- Neat.
- And you should be extra careful, because soy can trigger breast cancer in women.
Um, I'm sorry, are you, like, a doctor or something? No.
Why? What does that matter? You have, like, a lot of opinions about breast cancer and what I'm putting into my body.
Well, you appear to have a healthy body, and your breasts look healthy also, so I thought you would wanna know.
Do you think it's okay that you're talking about my breasts? I mean, I talked about my genitals Why are we talking about your genitals?! I don't know, we're all human, and we're gonna die one day, and let's talk about the things that make us mortal.
I don't know.
You need to go.
- I have to go? - Out that door.
- Are you mad at me? - Do you bring your bags? Hey, are these statement glasses too much of a statement? I'm trying to say "I need your help," but without an exclamation point.
You shouldn't ask me anything.
I'm such an idiot, man.
The cashier at that market pretty much accused me of being a misogynist, and I was just trying to be nice.
Yeah, that co-op is scary.
One time, I forgot to bring my bag, and they made me carry my groceries out in my sweatshirt.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, my God, they're early.
It's a power move, I think.
Wait.
I have to answer.
It'll send the wrong message.
Welcome! BOTH: Hi.
Oh, it's so cute! We got you a little something.
Are you kidding me? Thank you.
I love a little something.
You should have.
- Oh, so cute.
- Yeah.
Cute's for babies.
You guys are cute, though.
Um, appetizers or anything? I can get you a tartine with a sheep's milk cheese that was pre-made, but I'll take credit for it.
- Oh, sure.
- That'll be great.
We're famished.
We've been walking Oh, honey, 17,000 steps today.
17,000? Get out of here! In those wedges? ESTHER: Exercise is good for you.
So, kids, what's on the menu? Tonight, we are preparing a rotisserie chicken, and it's actually a wonderful recipe.
I got it off Elizabeth Warren's Pinterest page.
She's a senator.
And then, for dessert, we are going to do Esther cake.
It's a homemade cake.
We love cake, Esther.
I love cake the most.
I love it.
Hey, hey.
Come here.
Please excuse me for one moment.
Don't touch that dial What's up? Okay, so I was really frazzled at the market, and I think I forgot one of the bags there.
So all that we have is lettuce and toilet paper.
- Wait, what? - There's no rotisserie chicken.
Do you think they would eat a toilet paper salad? What is this, Panda Express? I don't think so.
Okay, so obviously, we can't throw a dinner party without dinner.
'Cause then it would just be a regular party, and I didn't make the right playlist for that.
Okay, I think we should just reschedule.
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell them that you pooped your pants.
No, don't okay, fine.
But just tell them it's not a regular thing.
I'm not making any promises.
Why don't we just go back to the store, and we can pick up the food? I'm so glad you heard us.
That's a great idea.
I can't go back to that co-op.
I'm not welcome there.
- Why not? - Why not? People think when you're a man, you can't be a victim, but when you're short and opinionated, it happens more than you think.
It'll be fine.
I'll go with you.
She'll go with you.
It's gonna be great.
We can mix it up and get to know each other.
Oh, my God, like a one-on-one.
- Yeah.
- Benji, please go.
We'll never make it to hometowns if you don't.
- Will you keep me safe? - Trust.
Come on.
I got you.
We'll be back.
Are you braiding my hair? Yeah.
It's a loose French braid.
It's gonna look amazing.
Okay.
It's not like I wanna make people angry.
I wanna be liked by everyone all the time.
It's paralyzing when I say stupid stuff.
You know what, Benji, I'm just gonna be stern with you, because you seem to respond better when people tell you what to do.
- That's true.
You're very perceptive.
- Thank you.
Now go over there and apologize to her.
Yeah, I don't like that.
That's not my thing.
Benji, did you or did you not tell me you were being an asshole to this woman? I guess.
Man up.
Man up.
Let's go.
Okay, fine.
You have to come with me.
Okay.
You first.
Do you think I have enough to make a salad? I have a cheddar, a Swiss, and a cheddar-Swiss blend.
Yeah, okay.
That'll work.
Take 'em out.
Let's start unpeeling, and, uh, let's see.
I will take this cranberry juice, and make a reduction.
- Start stringing those.
- Okay.
Um, what are you looking for? Whatever wants to be found.
Wow.
Um, hey, Camille, do you know those salads that taste really good like they don't even taste like salads, but you don't know why.
Do you know why? What makes a really good salad is minced garlic.
That's garlic? Actually, candied walnuts are better, but you don't have walnuts, so we're gonna mince garlic.
- Got it.
- I'll show you how.
Just take a clove.
This is a clove.
- It's like a petal.
- Of course.
Right.
Now pick up your knife.
And you're not gonna cut, you're gonna press.
So you're gonna lay it flat.
There you go.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Oh, shoot, someone's here.
Benji must've forgot his keys.
You gave him keys to your apartment? He doesn't deserve them, does he? I'll take them away.
- I'll take them away right now.
- [STAMMERS.]
Oh, no, game night.
No, no, no.
No.
You didn't forget again.
My iCal hasn't been syncing.
I'm going through an Apple change.
Well, come on, man, let's get this thing started.
We're having a dinner party, you gotta go.
- Great.
I'm starving.
- No, you can't - Hi.
- Hi.
- Look, a new friend.
- New friend? Old friend.
We've been friends for years.
New friend for me.
Come on in.
- I'm Jeff.
- A pleasure.
Camille.
I was just offering Jeff a glass of water.
What a wonderful host.
We have plenty of drizzle for everybody.
Jeff loves drizzle.
Thank you.
- Gianna.
- Hi.
Oh, great.
As we practiced.
I'm sorry I tried explaining something to you that you might've already known.
You know damn well what you're putting in your body, and I shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Sometimes I just wanna be helpful, and the tone I use makes it sound like I know better than you, when I don't.
I'm I'm just a weak man with an unnecessarily strong point of view.
Amen.
Thank you for that.
- Here is your bag.
- Ah, thanks.
- All right, bye, girl.
- Bye, babe.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- I'm making dinner tonight.
- Good.
Enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.
She's cool.
- Yeah.
- I should give her a hug.
No hug.
No hug, no touching.
Wow.
This looks great.
Camille, do you have, like, a background in interior design, because you're just so intuitive.
Yes, I do.
Nate Berkus and I have the same hypnotist.
Oh, my gosh.
Wow, feng shui is real.
And multivitamins are - Very real.
- Yes.
- And 401(k)'s? - Important.
A self-IRA works, too.
- How about flossing? - Occasionally.
Once a week is fine.
Should I be more worried about under my eyes or my neck? Actually, you know what's weird? - It's your hands.
- Of course.
- They give it away.
- 100% Excuse me.
Is El Chupacabra real? You mean the Mexican vampire weasel? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm not sure about that.
Okay.
This is coming together.
We need seating.
Yes, we do.
We do need seating.
- Hey, Cami.
- How'd it go? You won't believe how brave Benji was.
He apologized to a woman in public.
Oh, my God.
Did you really do that, Benji? It wasn't a big deal.
Since we're all back, I wanna take a second, and show you guys something very special.
Wait, so what happened? I want to hear it.
This was a huge deal.
This is real growth.
I mean, it felt courageous, but I couldn't have done it without Rose.
She's my rock.
I mean, she's your rock.
In that moment, she was my rock, too.
- I'll share my rock.
- Thanks for rock sharing.
[LAUGHTER.]
Wait, what are you oh, right.
- Game night.
- Y'all bullshit people.
I love you, dude.
So one night, I was up late, my parents were asleep, I ordered these on QVC.
They're Princess Diana commemorative dishware.
I really admire her for her strength and her beauty, but mostly her beauty.
I'm sorry.
I think maybe you should set those, and get the table ready, and I'm just gonna help Benji out in the kitchen, 'cause I really wanna hear more about his breakthrough.
Oh, actually, um I think I would be best suited doing whatever it is that you're doing.
I'm an excellent copycat.
But we need someone to do this, so you do that and we'll do this.
- Then we'll come back.
- Okay.
Where were you guys when Princess Diana died? - ROSE: It was amazing.
- BENJI: Thank you.
Hey, these women are so much fun.
They're great.
They're very great.
ROSE: My Pilates instructor, Benji, can make you stand an inch taller.
Oh, my God, that sounds great, but I feel taller already.
Jeff, I wanna feel taller.
My transformation's slipping away from me.
Maybe there's a scenario where everybody wins.
Jeff, you wanted to play a game? Guess what.
Tonight, we're gonna play a game, and the prize is those women, and I'm gonna win them.
I don't think you should say things like that.
[LAUGHTER.]
As you know, there's an obesity epidemic in this country, so to control my metabolism, I eat 20 really small meals a day.
If it's bigger than my hand, I won't even put it in my mouth.
Yeah, it's so important to treat your body like a temple, or however you choose to worship.
And that reminds me of this think piece I recently read about Gwyneth.
I know we all have mixed feelings about her.
But Gloria Steinem had actually reposted it, so I feel comfortable bringing it up at the dinner table.
Oh, Gloria.
She's so inspirational.
We have every last one of her books.
If you wanna borrow one, just let us know.
- I would love that.
- [DERISIVE CHUCKLE.]
Say good-bye to that book.
Funny thing about reading.
I'm a speed reader.
I'm not formally trained or anything, but my words per minute is pretty off the chain.
Huh.
I was in a gifted program growing up, and I actually read books back to front.
It's a Japanese tradition that I've adopted.
In all fairness, though, I have a biological advantage with reading, because I have very thick corneas.
Makes me a great candidate for Lasik.
I actually, whenever I take a dance class, the teacher always asks me to stand in the front row, just so that I can set a good example, and other students - can learn from me and my form.
- Okay.
I took the hardship of being raised by a housekeeper, and turned it into being bilingual.
Que bueno.
Me gusta la playa.
- ¿Que esta pasando? - Not much.
I actually went to the most diverse high school in the nation.
We had a pep assembly about it.
I think it's called assimilation.
I'm sort of a wordsmith.
I can do a perfect cartwheel from memory.
Do you guys wanna see? What do you mean, from memory? Like, I have it memorized.
Hey, Esther, shouldn't we serve our guests dessert before the acrobatic portion of this evening? I think that's wise.
So I think you should just sort of chill out a little, 'cause I'm killing it.
Remember that you're not supposed to be killing it tonight, because you think mentors are stupid? I changed my mind, okay? Maybe I want mentors, too.
They're really body positive with me, and I feel safe asking them pretty much any question.
You are a man, and you feel safe asking anyone anything.
I'm small, and everywhere I go, life is a threat.
Those women are mine.
Did you ever think that maybe those women don't like being referred to as objects that can be owned? Did you ever think that that's not really how you talk, right? Oh, 'cause this is how you talk? Yeah, and you know what I was thinking? Maybe we should just go out there, and we'll let them decide who they want to be their mentee.
Okay, fine.
Great.
- Don't.
- What? It's my apartment, I'm taking this cake out.
You can't be trusted with cake.
I can be trusted.
It's my apartment.
I'll decide who can be trusted and who can't be.
Give me the cake.
- Absolutely not.
- You're gonna get dandruff on the cake.
- I am not.
- Yes, sir! - Frenchy.
- Stop! - [HISSES.]
I don't mean to be intrusive, but is this common, the way they compete for attention? This is nothing.
Usually on game night, we never get to the actual game.
They just spend the whole evening screaming at each other about the rules.
It's actually a pretty good metaphor for their relationship.
CAMILLE: Wow.
Nice moves.
Ballet for eight years.
Broadway jazz for five.
That might work as a wonderful way to non-verbally express what you're feeling on the inside.
You know what else is great? - Games.
- I love games.
Especially something with a performative element.
No, no, no, we're not playing charades.
She makes all the clues up, and unless you know a ton of stuff about late '90s girl groups, you don't have a chance.
I actually send out a Spotify playlist ahead of time, so if you did your homework, you wouldn't have a problem.
All right, now it's feeling like game night.
Well, Benji, Esther, do you guys like to be on the same team? Oh, they always play on the same team.
It's been that way since the day they met.
Actually, I'd love to hear that story.
- How did you guys meet? - Yeah, how did you meet? Of course, yes.
Um, I was at the Comedy Store on stage doing stand-up at the open mic, and I heard this sharp, annoying, almost painful voice coming from the back of the room.
It was a heckler I wasn't heckling.
Esther was on stage bombing, trying to do crowd work by asking the audience what their favorite Cheesecake Factory entree was, so I stepped in to save her I didn't actually need to be saved, because I was doing just fine, and even if I was failing, failure is a part of the process.
That's how you grow, that's how you achieve, et cetera.
Now Esther, how does it make you feel when Benji questions your recollection of how you two met? Honestly, Rose, it makes me feel terrible.
It's weird that you feel terrible about certain things, and not about other things, like, for example, her Etsy account got flagged, 'cause she was selling unlicensed Heath Ledger merch.
Whatever.
You're just jealous that I was breastfed and you weren't.
You think I'm the only formula baby at this table? You don't know who you just offended.
I think maybe we should just take a breath.
You're right, and here it is, it's on full display.
This is the reason why I, moving forward, would love for you two to be my mentors.
By mentor, you mean mental health professionals? Then sure, we can help you, no problem.
No, I mean mentor, like someone who looks at all the problems I'm having and then fixes them for you.
Yeah, we do that for a living.
We're psychologists.
I'm sorry, you must've noticed that The clients coming in and out of our apartment.
What are you talking about? I thought you just had a lot of friends.
No.
We've actually been observing you since you moved into the building.
It's interesting; we thought that you were probably an emancipated minor, you know, because of your dietary habits, and then, we thought, no, maybe it's Benji is keeping you against your will as an indentured servant.
I mean, how would I keep someone against their will? I'm 125 pounds.
We were wrong about that.
After spending time with you two this evening, this is clearly a textbook case of codependency, and it's keeping you both from reaching your full potential.
Yes! Thank you! My fault.
Sorry about that.
- That was good.
He's very healthy.
- Yes.
It's the truth.
So all of this was just to drum up business for your practice? I mean, look around.
She can't afford therapy.
What kind of therapist spies on potential patients? That sounds unethical to me.
We weren't spying.
You're so obviously unwell, we couldn't help but notice.
Thank you for the groundbreaking diagnosis - that we're codependent.
- Really.
You go to University of Phoenix? We know we're codependent.
I mean, we text each other every time we have a bowel movement.
Yeah.
We FaceTime every night before bed, and fall asleep to each other's ambient noises.
Ambient noises to fall asleep; that is not normal, girl.
I think you two should just have sex with each other, and call it a day.
Wow, what a revolution.
Yeah, we know.
You think you're the first person to say that? Suggesting we have sex is the most hack thing to say to us right after "you're codependent.
" Okay.
You know what? We didn't come here to drum up business.
We don't need your business.
We came here to have a nice dinner with our neighbors.
But I think it's time to leave, honey.
- Yeah, I do.
- I think that's a great idea.
I think you should just go.
Go.
Please go.
We'll just show ourselves out.
Please show yourselves out and go, I think that's great.
I'm so sorry.
I've been in therapy for ten years.
I want you to know, I'm on your side.
It's just, I gotta stay for cake.
Wait, before you go, can I ask you one question for free? How do you guys smell so good all the time? Is it a shower? What is it? Small-batch lavender oil.
Very expensive.
Thank you.
Get out! - The jitterbug.
- Uh, ten-meter sprint.
- Wayne's World flashback.
- Jay-walking ticket.
Flashback.
"Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls.
" '90s girl groups.
Always remember the category.
I'm sorry.
Now that you say that, you were nailing it.
- I know.
- I just missed it.
Okay, I'm up.
No.
Esther, I don't know what any of these things are.
I mean, what is "No More" (Baby I'm a do right)? 3LW.
Dude, did you have no childhood? - What's going on? - Making games only you can win? What are you, Angelica from Rugrats? You guys, if you're not doing the right research before you play the game, that's on you.
Where did you get this cake? It's actually three old cakes pushed into one cake, and one of them is from my half-birthday party, which I'm still waiting on my presents, guys.
So this cake's from three months ago? When you push all the cakes together, it's like recycling.
It was in the freezer, okay? The icing is brand-new.
All right, I'm out.
See you guys next week.
- What? - What's next week? You guys suck.
- So negative.
- I know.