Alone Together (2018) s02e10 Episode Script
Big Bear
As my fortune says, "Soon you will reach the end of a long journey.
" Does that mean I'm gonna die? Wish the Chinese mafia would just kill me already instead of playing these games.
No.
No, no, no, that's not it.
Don't you get it? It means we're finally gonna do it.
You guys, we're gonna finish Cloud Atlas tonight! The movie? That's what you got from "Soon you will reach the end of a long journey"? We have been trying to finish Cloud Atlas for over five years, ever since I was messing with Dean's remote and then accidentally bought it? We have to keep starting over, 'cause we respect continuity in cinema.
Yeah, I don't know, guys.
I just feel like I just ate, like, a pound of lo mein, right? I'm just getting a little sleepy, so maybe another night.
You always want to finish Cloud Atlas.
This is, like, your dream.
Yeah, dude, it's only 9:45.
We'll be done by 1:00 a.
m.
[TARA.]
Didn't we already watch that? Remember? It took, like, five hours with all the commercials.
[LAUGHING.]
No, no, no, no! - Is this true? - [COUGHS.]
No! Uh, baby, I think that was a different movie.
No, it was definitely Tom Hanks with a face tattoo in the future.
Jeff, you watched it without us?! We were supposed to do that together! You watch rom-coms with your girlfriends and progressive Wachoswski films with your nerd friends.
I'm sorry, okay? I saw my shot, and I took it.
I mean, guys, it's been five years.
I needed closure.
Tara, I want you to take note that Jeff has problems with loyalty.
Guys, it's cool.
We could just watch it again.
Oh, no, we cannot do that.
Once you escape Alcatraz, you don't swim back.
In that scenario, is Alcatraz the movie, or is it our friendship? I can't believe Jeff finished Cloud Atlas without us.
I mean, he's not Jeff anymore.
He's a couple.
He is her, and she is him.
[WHISPERS.]
They are them, and we're nothing.
We're just the losers you hang out with until something better comes along.
All I do is get phased out by engagements and marathon training and mud runs.
We can't lose Jeff.
We have to show him that we're good friends and we're worth keeping.
What are things that good friends do? - Good friend, good friend - Good friends.
- Hi, I'm a good friend.
- I'm a good friend.
Me, too, I'm a good friend, and this is what I do.
[BOTH.]
I - I thought you had it.
- I thought I had it.
Oh, you know what? He's always trying to get us to those pro wrestling events with him.
There's gotta be something better.
I'm not doing that.
Got it.
He's always talking about how he wants to drink more water, so we could take him out for a cup of water.
I think we just gotta go with wrestling.
Ugh! Okay, Esther, what's the big surprise? If it's another puppet show, I don't want to see it.
[ESTHER.]
No, this is even better.
We got tickets to Slamfest at the Pechanga Casino! You got tickets to Slamfest?! Oh! It's the grudge match between El Gato and Johnny Concrete! I know! We're such good friends! Aw, but that's tomorrow.
Uh, listen, guys, I would love to come, but I'm spending this weekend in Big Bear with Tara and her friends.
What? - [LAUGHTER.]
- See? There they go.
Jeff, did you really go to Big Bear for the weekend and not invite us? Uh, you're not not invited.
It's just that it's, like, super boring up here.
You know, it's just, like, cooking and trees and fresh air.
Jeff, we're about to play Boggle! Ooh, Boggle?! Yay! I can't wait! Yeah, and there's, like, no TV, and the Wi-Fi is really ba [TARA.]
Oh, hi! Jeff, Boggle time! Did you fake freeze? - Damn it.
- [BEEP.]
Are my boobs really that uneven? What am I looking at? What is going on with Jeff? - I mean - He's going basic.
He's wearing a turtleneck.
His eyes lit up when they said "Boggle.
" We are so screwed right now.
First, he's excited to play Boggle, and next thing you know, he and Tara are buying a lizard together and they're making it its own Instagram account.
And I will not follow another lizard Instagram account.
We are addicted to podcasts.
It's crazy, but we listen to them when we're doing the dishes.
Don't tell people that, Chris! It's so random! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I got it! Oh.
Hi.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar Is that you, Jeff?! [WHISPERING.]
No! No! Absolutely not! Yeah.
Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? It's so weird to see you in a calm, beautiful place.
It's like seeing a clown at a funeral.
I saw that once.
- Of course we came.
Jeff invited us.
- Yeah.
It was clearly a fake invite.
Oh, we accept all fake invites as just a policy.
Are these your comedian friends? Yeah.
This is Esther and Benji, who I'm very surprised to see.
Ha! Hi, I'm Chris Pyne.
It's with a "Y," don't worry.
I'm Megan.
Don't mind Chris.
He's just a crazy goose.
But he didn't do anything.
He just said his name.
Obviously, I'm not a fan of shooting innocent animals, but that wall has saved at least one person from getting Lyme disease.
All right, you can stay, okay, but but just please try to be normal, all right? I want to be friends with Megan and Chris.
Why are you trying to be friends with Megan and Chris? They're so boring.
They're like if an in-flight magazine became people.
And if I try and act normal, it gets worse.
- Be cool! - Again with these Cool and normal, what am I? - [CHRIS.]
Hey! - [JEFF.]
Hey! - [CHRIS.]
There they are! - [MEGAN.]
There they are! Oh, hey, Esther, can I pour you a glass of Sauvignon Blanc? It's from Dave Matthews' vineyard.
Oh, that's a double no for me, Chris.
I don't support celebrity side-projects.
Okay, Scattergories! And we all have to gang up on Chris, because he always wins.
Oh, Chris! I'm a bit of a logophile.
I keep a word-a-day calendar at the office.
He does.
I would have taken you for more of a Dilbert guy.
I was.
That is until Megan got me into Cathy.
- Aack! - [LAUGHING.]
[FORCED LAUGHTER.]
Quick question are we 100% for sure on Scattergories? Just 'cause I really like games like Pretty Pretty Princess or Candy Land where the pieces are toys.
Actually, I like Scattergories.
I'm having a great time, Chris and Megan.
- Mmm! - Wha Jeff, we've had so many good weekend trips without Scattergories.
Come on, dude.
Remember Santa Fe when I was going through my turquoise phase? That was so much fun.
We did a Children of the Corn parody on our phones.
[GASPS.]
Let's shoot a scary short film.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Ooh, can I be the killer? 'Cause, you know, there's never been a sociopathic murderer that's an Indian girl.
Hollywood is so messed up.
What about The Big Bear Witch Project? So it's like The Blair Witch Project, except that we're in Big Bear.
So I just substituted.
Chris, you really went past the joke there.
Ooh, or we could do Bearanormal Activity, - like Paranormal Activity - We get it.
We'll connect the dots, thank you.
Why don't we just do both? Me and Jeff will do Bear Witch with Chris, and you guys can do Bearanormal Activity.
Um - Us with Megan? - [TARA.]
Mm-hmm.
Well, I feel like Me, Jeff, and Esther sort of have rapport already.
We're sort of like the Elaine, George, Jerry of five-minute low-budget horror films, so why don't we group up? No, let's not do that.
Let's mix it up, man.
Good call.
Chris took film in college for a couple years, before he pivoted into pharmaceutical sales.
Isn't pharmaceutical stuff really bad for the country? Well, I know the perfect spooky spot outside.
- Yes, you do.
- Join me.
Oh, okay! Let's go! [JEFF AND TARA FAKE LAUGHING.]
I think I'm gonna be good at this.
I've never felt like I would be good at anything.
What is that like? [ESTHER.]
You're not gonna believe this.
But I just got off the phone with a townsperson who told me that this cabin was built on an ancient circus burial ground.
Some say there's a lot of Bearanormal Activity in here.
And it's scary, so you shouldn't be smiling.
Now let's go check on our friend.
He doesn't believe in ghosts.
Surely nothing has changed since he went in the other room to investigate that noise.
A ghost clown bear ate my legs! Aaah! No! No! No! [UNCONVINCING SCREAM.]
[LAUGHS.]
'Scuse me? Cut.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Great scream, Megan.
Thank you.
I think that's gonna be a really neat take.
I'm gonna post it to Facebook later.
I gotta go check on my cream cheese salsa wontons.
Sounds great.
Cream cheese salsa wontons sound amazing, but Megan sucks.
Her friend just got eaten by a bear ghost, and she screamed like someone gave her a puppy.
Do we change the plot so someone does hand her a puppy? Dude.
I'm just trying to think of solutions here.
The girl still uses Facebook.
How do you work with someone like that? - [TARA SCREAMS.]
- What was that? He has lights? [CHRIS.]
Cue the crane shot.
He does have lights.
[CHRIS LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY.]
- And he's got a hockey mask! - [TARA SCREAMS.]
Dude, he has better wardrobe than us.
We're supposed to be better than him at this, and he's beating us! He's not gonna beat us, because it's gonna come down to performance.
And we're gonna get a scream out of Megan, and it's gonna be real.
Guys, it's cream cheese salsa wonton time.
- Death beaver! - Aah! Cut! We got it.
Oh.
Uh, could we go again? I was taking a photo.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Chris? Megan, she said cut, but I appreciate the commitment.
Also, we haven't established a "Chris" in the world of our movie, so it doesn't - What's going on? - Aah! Aah! Aah! - What's going on?! - Aah! Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay.
- [WEAKLY.]
Yeah.
Remember your blood pressure.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
[JEFF.]
What happened? Movie magic happened.
Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
We'll call Dr.
Gordon first thing tomorrow, okay? Okay.
[BENJI.]
Why do you need to call a doctor? She just got startled.
I'm sure she's fine.
Yeah, no one ever died from being startled.
I don't know if that's true.
Look, it's okay because you didn't know, but Megan's pregnant.
Oh, my God! Megan, really?! We were gonna tell you over brunch tomorrow.
I am so excited! On behalf of me and Beaver Brown, I just wanted to apologize.
I thought we were going with Justin Beaver.
Wasn't a hard yes.
You know, I think we're gonna go to bed.
It's kind of been a long day.
I'll join you.
Uh, sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Jeff, if anything, the scare will make her baby stronger.
When my mom was pregnant with me, a grandfather clock fell on her, and now I'm really good at guessing the time.
Do you want to see? Maybe later? And how were we supposed to know she was pregnant? Her skin is not glowing.
Now you're insulting her glow?! - No! - You guys are acting like Bozos, okay? And Tara's friends are real adults.
And if they think that I'm a Bozo, too, then maybe they tell her that she can do better than me.
And she can! - [ESTHER.]
Jeff.
- [BENJI.]
Come on, dude.
No.
What's he even talking about? I'm an adult.
I make noises when I stand up and sit down.
Uh! Jeff is being ridiculous.
Of course we can be mature.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe it's already 9:30.
Boom.
11:42.
Scary close.
["DON'T KNOW WHY" BY NORAH JONES PLAYING.]
Okay, this is a grown-ass brunch.
Well, nothing makes people forget about a miscarriage scare like a classy waffle.
[MEGAN.]
You guys are up.
We figured you were "sleep in" people.
Oh, we did sleep in, till 6:00 a.
m.
It was so decadent.
Hmm.
Well, um please join us for waffles.
[BENJI.]
There's food you can eat.
[ESTHER.]
As you'll see, there's a knife and fork to your left.
Ahem.
So, Chris, you're in pharmaceuticals.
Um, are the generics the same as the name brand? It's a very complicated question.
I forgot my agave.
Be right back.
Hold that thought.
She's really into syrup.
We can get kicked out of IHOP.
Just goes to town in there.
[SIGHS.]
It's just a little something to take the edge off.
Uh, were you about to eat a gummi worm - between two potato chips? - Mm? The only people who eat like that are five-year-olds and Ohhh! Yes! What happened? What did she do? What did you do? What did you do? No, no, no, I just figured it out! What? The loose-fitting clothes, the non-alcoholic beverages, the 36-packs of pudding she brought in her own cooler? Chris, Esther's pregnant.
[BOTH SCREAMING AND LAUGHING.]
- [CHRIS.]
Aaah! - Aah ha ha.
Okay, that totally makes sense, because you were acting kind of weird yesterday, a little weird.
- She was acting weird.
- Erratic behavior.
[MEGAN.]
It's okay.
All is forgiven.
Yes, I am pregnant.
That is why I am this way.
Guys, Esther's not Telling anyone just yet.
Um, not until my next semester.
Well, congratulations, Dad? [ESTHER.]
Dad? [HEAVES.]
Sorry.
- Just morning sickness.
- [CHRIS.]
Right.
Of course he's the father.
Right, I'm definitely the dad, and it's all totally new and weird to me.
- Bring it in.
Bring it in! - Get in! [CHRIS.]
Celebrate.
Ohhh! [BENJI.]
I'm so comfortable hugging! What is going on here? Is this consensual? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just getting to know each other.
Turns out, we have a lot more in common than we thought.
I love hugging friends.
Hmm.
[HUSHED VOICE.]
I did not give you permission to have my fictional baby.
Since we've been friends, when have I asked you for permission? Look, Jeff asked us to be grown-ups, and what's more grown up than havin' a baby? I don't know, Esther, maybe thinking ahead to where you're not gonna have a baby, 'cause you're not actually pregnant.
What's your long-term plan, dude? My long-term plan is that we're never gonna see these dorks again, and if we do, worst-case scenario, we'll just say that the baby got stolen by one of those Chinese gymnastic camps.
- That happens all the time.
- No, it doesn't.
- He's behind you! - [CHRIS.]
There's the padre! Hey, Esther, do you mind if we squeeze in some papa talk? Oh, I would love that.
He really needs guidance.
He has a hard time relating to men, so have at him.
That's not true.
- Oh.
- Oh.
So grateful to have gotten her pregnant.
Ahh! So, nervous? I mean, I know I am.
What's your birth plan? Um, the birth plan is that we, uh we're gonna do it.
Oh, I've had stretch marks since I was six years old, so this is nothing new.
It's so nice that you laugh at the things I say now that you know I'm pregnant.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Hey, guys.
What are you talking about? - Oh.
- Um Um, we were just talking about how there's gonna be an eclipse next week, and we really want to go outside and just see what it looks like before to start a baseline.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Wish you could join us, but you hate astrology.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- You won't believe this.
Chris and Benji just left to go canoeing.
Esther and Megan are kind of chummy, too.
I mean, I'm not trying to feel left out, but I kinda do.
Aw.
Well, since it's just the two of us, we could go and have sex in the woods.
I'm sorry.
I mean ahem! I'm sorry that you feel left out.
That's terrible.
But you want to anyway? - Grab that afghan.
- Okay.
[BENJI.]
What a beautiful afternoon, guys.
Chris and I saw a loon on the lake.
It is such a noble bird.
[CHUCKLES.]
What did you two get up to? - Oh, uh yeah.
- Oh, uh we We just went for a walk in the woods.
Took a couple walks, actually.
- Oh, my.
- Like, one walk.
Calm down.
I think I'm gonna do prenatal yoga.
Do you want to join? Oh, my God, I would love to.
I've always wanted to try that kind of class.
- Yay.
- Oh, what kind of class? [ESTHER.]
Oh, well Stop being so inquisitive.
Okay, what's up? What are you guys hiding? Did you break something? Tell me it wasn't the Jacuzzi.
- We should tell her.
- Um She's pregnant! [SQUEALS.]
Oh Oh, God! We're so excited for Esther and Papa Benji! - It's Benji's? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Esther and I, um, engaged in coitus, and my sperm made her pregnant.
That's right.
That's what happened.
Ooookay.
Okay.
So that's what's going on with all the hugging and the loon watching.
Oh, gosh, you know what? I would really love to hear all the details of the conception.
- Wouldn't you guys? - I would! - [TARA.]
Dish! Let's hear it! - [JEFF.]
De-tails! I-I We did it.
I put my reproductive organs inside of - Esther's birth cavity and - [CHRIS GROANS.]
And now she's pregnant with my - That's enough.
- Sorry.
You know what? I think we need to take some pictures of the happy couple.
- Yes! - Oh, we have so many.
- I don't think we have to.
- No, you got to! Patio soft lighting.
Come on.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, you guys, I'm so happy for you.
This is gonna be beautiful.
Life finds a way.
Life really finds a way.
[MOUTHING.]
I'm so sorry.
They're acting like such idiots with your friends.
Are you kidding? This weekend was so boring until they got here.
I mean, they just lied about being pregnant, because You know, I'm actually not quite sure why they lied.
- So you're not mad? - No.
This is the most uncomfortable I've ever seen Benji and Esther.
Let's get over there and make it worse for them.
- I love you.
- I love you.
And it was only once.
All right, these pictures are going everywhere.
Okay? I'm talking Facebook, Instagram, the wall at The Comedy Store.
Yeah? Oh.
Benji, are your hands just hovering over Esther's stomach? You gotta touch it.
That's your kid in there, man.
- Ohh! - So protective! Is it weird that I feel kicking? Sorry.
I usually eat my butterscotch pudding at a lower altitude.
- [TARA LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Benj.
Uh, why don't you get on your knees and talk to your baby? Oh, yeah.
And, um, Esther, you better lift your shirt up so the baby can hear.
Good.
That's a good note.
- [CHRIS.]
We did that.
Classic.
- Look, she's already showing.
- [MEGAN.]
Oh, my God! - Hi, baby.
I'm sorry about what I've done to you genetically.
Okay, that's enough.
Don't want to upset the baby.
Ooh, I got a great idea.
Turn towards each other and touch tummies.
- [CHRIS AND MEGAN.]
Oooh! - Okay.
And you know what, when you do it, you should kiss.
Yes, on the mouth.
We'd love to.
[HOLDING BREATH.]
- She's not pregnant! - I'm not pregnant! What?! Whatever do you mean?! You mean, you guys aren't a couple and this was all bullshit? Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are we doing a movie? I thought we were being real people.
Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.
My friends thought that if they pretended to be pregnant that that would impress you.
Jeff, the only reason we're trying to be real adults is because of you.
If you think about it, the only think gestating here is friendship.
Also, full disclosure, we did break the Jacuzzi.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ESTHER, IN VIDEO.]
That night the train crashed into the circus, killing all the bears.
And then, the bears came back to take revenge on the descendents of the conductor, who is my ancestor.
30 seconds in, and I'm not following the plot.
[BENJI.]
Jeff, it's an art film.
It's about the feeling you walk away from it with.
It's not about your OCD need for structure.
Shh! This is a really good part.
[BENJI.]
A ghost clown bear ate my legs! Aaah! No! No! No! [DUBBED-IN SCREAM.]
I am so glad that I edited that scream in post.
It really elevates my work.
That was good.
Very good.
But I think Big Bear Witch Project's gonna knock that out of the water.
We should hang out with Megan and Chris again before they have a baby and get even more boring.
This should be obvious, but they don't want to see you guys again.
I had a feeling.
I was being sarcastic.
Ahem! Get your popcorn and possibly a diaper.
And prepare yourself for the feature presentation.
- That's us in the woods.
- Mm-hmm.
- [TARA.]
Oh, my God! - [JEFF.]
Okay! Jeff, are you sure this is the right video? Turn it off! Turn it off! Close your eyes! Jeffrey!
" Does that mean I'm gonna die? Wish the Chinese mafia would just kill me already instead of playing these games.
No.
No, no, no, that's not it.
Don't you get it? It means we're finally gonna do it.
You guys, we're gonna finish Cloud Atlas tonight! The movie? That's what you got from "Soon you will reach the end of a long journey"? We have been trying to finish Cloud Atlas for over five years, ever since I was messing with Dean's remote and then accidentally bought it? We have to keep starting over, 'cause we respect continuity in cinema.
Yeah, I don't know, guys.
I just feel like I just ate, like, a pound of lo mein, right? I'm just getting a little sleepy, so maybe another night.
You always want to finish Cloud Atlas.
This is, like, your dream.
Yeah, dude, it's only 9:45.
We'll be done by 1:00 a.
m.
[TARA.]
Didn't we already watch that? Remember? It took, like, five hours with all the commercials.
[LAUGHING.]
No, no, no, no! - Is this true? - [COUGHS.]
No! Uh, baby, I think that was a different movie.
No, it was definitely Tom Hanks with a face tattoo in the future.
Jeff, you watched it without us?! We were supposed to do that together! You watch rom-coms with your girlfriends and progressive Wachoswski films with your nerd friends.
I'm sorry, okay? I saw my shot, and I took it.
I mean, guys, it's been five years.
I needed closure.
Tara, I want you to take note that Jeff has problems with loyalty.
Guys, it's cool.
We could just watch it again.
Oh, no, we cannot do that.
Once you escape Alcatraz, you don't swim back.
In that scenario, is Alcatraz the movie, or is it our friendship? I can't believe Jeff finished Cloud Atlas without us.
I mean, he's not Jeff anymore.
He's a couple.
He is her, and she is him.
[WHISPERS.]
They are them, and we're nothing.
We're just the losers you hang out with until something better comes along.
All I do is get phased out by engagements and marathon training and mud runs.
We can't lose Jeff.
We have to show him that we're good friends and we're worth keeping.
What are things that good friends do? - Good friend, good friend - Good friends.
- Hi, I'm a good friend.
- I'm a good friend.
Me, too, I'm a good friend, and this is what I do.
[BOTH.]
I - I thought you had it.
- I thought I had it.
Oh, you know what? He's always trying to get us to those pro wrestling events with him.
There's gotta be something better.
I'm not doing that.
Got it.
He's always talking about how he wants to drink more water, so we could take him out for a cup of water.
I think we just gotta go with wrestling.
Ugh! Okay, Esther, what's the big surprise? If it's another puppet show, I don't want to see it.
[ESTHER.]
No, this is even better.
We got tickets to Slamfest at the Pechanga Casino! You got tickets to Slamfest?! Oh! It's the grudge match between El Gato and Johnny Concrete! I know! We're such good friends! Aw, but that's tomorrow.
Uh, listen, guys, I would love to come, but I'm spending this weekend in Big Bear with Tara and her friends.
What? - [LAUGHTER.]
- See? There they go.
Jeff, did you really go to Big Bear for the weekend and not invite us? Uh, you're not not invited.
It's just that it's, like, super boring up here.
You know, it's just, like, cooking and trees and fresh air.
Jeff, we're about to play Boggle! Ooh, Boggle?! Yay! I can't wait! Yeah, and there's, like, no TV, and the Wi-Fi is really ba [TARA.]
Oh, hi! Jeff, Boggle time! Did you fake freeze? - Damn it.
- [BEEP.]
Are my boobs really that uneven? What am I looking at? What is going on with Jeff? - I mean - He's going basic.
He's wearing a turtleneck.
His eyes lit up when they said "Boggle.
" We are so screwed right now.
First, he's excited to play Boggle, and next thing you know, he and Tara are buying a lizard together and they're making it its own Instagram account.
And I will not follow another lizard Instagram account.
We are addicted to podcasts.
It's crazy, but we listen to them when we're doing the dishes.
Don't tell people that, Chris! It's so random! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I got it! Oh.
Hi.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar Is that you, Jeff?! [WHISPERING.]
No! No! Absolutely not! Yeah.
Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? It's so weird to see you in a calm, beautiful place.
It's like seeing a clown at a funeral.
I saw that once.
- Of course we came.
Jeff invited us.
- Yeah.
It was clearly a fake invite.
Oh, we accept all fake invites as just a policy.
Are these your comedian friends? Yeah.
This is Esther and Benji, who I'm very surprised to see.
Ha! Hi, I'm Chris Pyne.
It's with a "Y," don't worry.
I'm Megan.
Don't mind Chris.
He's just a crazy goose.
But he didn't do anything.
He just said his name.
Obviously, I'm not a fan of shooting innocent animals, but that wall has saved at least one person from getting Lyme disease.
All right, you can stay, okay, but but just please try to be normal, all right? I want to be friends with Megan and Chris.
Why are you trying to be friends with Megan and Chris? They're so boring.
They're like if an in-flight magazine became people.
And if I try and act normal, it gets worse.
- Be cool! - Again with these Cool and normal, what am I? - [CHRIS.]
Hey! - [JEFF.]
Hey! - [CHRIS.]
There they are! - [MEGAN.]
There they are! Oh, hey, Esther, can I pour you a glass of Sauvignon Blanc? It's from Dave Matthews' vineyard.
Oh, that's a double no for me, Chris.
I don't support celebrity side-projects.
Okay, Scattergories! And we all have to gang up on Chris, because he always wins.
Oh, Chris! I'm a bit of a logophile.
I keep a word-a-day calendar at the office.
He does.
I would have taken you for more of a Dilbert guy.
I was.
That is until Megan got me into Cathy.
- Aack! - [LAUGHING.]
[FORCED LAUGHTER.]
Quick question are we 100% for sure on Scattergories? Just 'cause I really like games like Pretty Pretty Princess or Candy Land where the pieces are toys.
Actually, I like Scattergories.
I'm having a great time, Chris and Megan.
- Mmm! - Wha Jeff, we've had so many good weekend trips without Scattergories.
Come on, dude.
Remember Santa Fe when I was going through my turquoise phase? That was so much fun.
We did a Children of the Corn parody on our phones.
[GASPS.]
Let's shoot a scary short film.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Ooh, can I be the killer? 'Cause, you know, there's never been a sociopathic murderer that's an Indian girl.
Hollywood is so messed up.
What about The Big Bear Witch Project? So it's like The Blair Witch Project, except that we're in Big Bear.
So I just substituted.
Chris, you really went past the joke there.
Ooh, or we could do Bearanormal Activity, - like Paranormal Activity - We get it.
We'll connect the dots, thank you.
Why don't we just do both? Me and Jeff will do Bear Witch with Chris, and you guys can do Bearanormal Activity.
Um - Us with Megan? - [TARA.]
Mm-hmm.
Well, I feel like Me, Jeff, and Esther sort of have rapport already.
We're sort of like the Elaine, George, Jerry of five-minute low-budget horror films, so why don't we group up? No, let's not do that.
Let's mix it up, man.
Good call.
Chris took film in college for a couple years, before he pivoted into pharmaceutical sales.
Isn't pharmaceutical stuff really bad for the country? Well, I know the perfect spooky spot outside.
- Yes, you do.
- Join me.
Oh, okay! Let's go! [JEFF AND TARA FAKE LAUGHING.]
I think I'm gonna be good at this.
I've never felt like I would be good at anything.
What is that like? [ESTHER.]
You're not gonna believe this.
But I just got off the phone with a townsperson who told me that this cabin was built on an ancient circus burial ground.
Some say there's a lot of Bearanormal Activity in here.
And it's scary, so you shouldn't be smiling.
Now let's go check on our friend.
He doesn't believe in ghosts.
Surely nothing has changed since he went in the other room to investigate that noise.
A ghost clown bear ate my legs! Aaah! No! No! No! [UNCONVINCING SCREAM.]
[LAUGHS.]
'Scuse me? Cut.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Great scream, Megan.
Thank you.
I think that's gonna be a really neat take.
I'm gonna post it to Facebook later.
I gotta go check on my cream cheese salsa wontons.
Sounds great.
Cream cheese salsa wontons sound amazing, but Megan sucks.
Her friend just got eaten by a bear ghost, and she screamed like someone gave her a puppy.
Do we change the plot so someone does hand her a puppy? Dude.
I'm just trying to think of solutions here.
The girl still uses Facebook.
How do you work with someone like that? - [TARA SCREAMS.]
- What was that? He has lights? [CHRIS.]
Cue the crane shot.
He does have lights.
[CHRIS LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY.]
- And he's got a hockey mask! - [TARA SCREAMS.]
Dude, he has better wardrobe than us.
We're supposed to be better than him at this, and he's beating us! He's not gonna beat us, because it's gonna come down to performance.
And we're gonna get a scream out of Megan, and it's gonna be real.
Guys, it's cream cheese salsa wonton time.
- Death beaver! - Aah! Cut! We got it.
Oh.
Uh, could we go again? I was taking a photo.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Chris? Megan, she said cut, but I appreciate the commitment.
Also, we haven't established a "Chris" in the world of our movie, so it doesn't - What's going on? - Aah! Aah! Aah! - What's going on?! - Aah! Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay.
- [WEAKLY.]
Yeah.
Remember your blood pressure.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
[JEFF.]
What happened? Movie magic happened.
Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
We'll call Dr.
Gordon first thing tomorrow, okay? Okay.
[BENJI.]
Why do you need to call a doctor? She just got startled.
I'm sure she's fine.
Yeah, no one ever died from being startled.
I don't know if that's true.
Look, it's okay because you didn't know, but Megan's pregnant.
Oh, my God! Megan, really?! We were gonna tell you over brunch tomorrow.
I am so excited! On behalf of me and Beaver Brown, I just wanted to apologize.
I thought we were going with Justin Beaver.
Wasn't a hard yes.
You know, I think we're gonna go to bed.
It's kind of been a long day.
I'll join you.
Uh, sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Jeff, if anything, the scare will make her baby stronger.
When my mom was pregnant with me, a grandfather clock fell on her, and now I'm really good at guessing the time.
Do you want to see? Maybe later? And how were we supposed to know she was pregnant? Her skin is not glowing.
Now you're insulting her glow?! - No! - You guys are acting like Bozos, okay? And Tara's friends are real adults.
And if they think that I'm a Bozo, too, then maybe they tell her that she can do better than me.
And she can! - [ESTHER.]
Jeff.
- [BENJI.]
Come on, dude.
No.
What's he even talking about? I'm an adult.
I make noises when I stand up and sit down.
Uh! Jeff is being ridiculous.
Of course we can be mature.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe it's already 9:30.
Boom.
11:42.
Scary close.
["DON'T KNOW WHY" BY NORAH JONES PLAYING.]
Okay, this is a grown-ass brunch.
Well, nothing makes people forget about a miscarriage scare like a classy waffle.
[MEGAN.]
You guys are up.
We figured you were "sleep in" people.
Oh, we did sleep in, till 6:00 a.
m.
It was so decadent.
Hmm.
Well, um please join us for waffles.
[BENJI.]
There's food you can eat.
[ESTHER.]
As you'll see, there's a knife and fork to your left.
Ahem.
So, Chris, you're in pharmaceuticals.
Um, are the generics the same as the name brand? It's a very complicated question.
I forgot my agave.
Be right back.
Hold that thought.
She's really into syrup.
We can get kicked out of IHOP.
Just goes to town in there.
[SIGHS.]
It's just a little something to take the edge off.
Uh, were you about to eat a gummi worm - between two potato chips? - Mm? The only people who eat like that are five-year-olds and Ohhh! Yes! What happened? What did she do? What did you do? What did you do? No, no, no, I just figured it out! What? The loose-fitting clothes, the non-alcoholic beverages, the 36-packs of pudding she brought in her own cooler? Chris, Esther's pregnant.
[BOTH SCREAMING AND LAUGHING.]
- [CHRIS.]
Aaah! - Aah ha ha.
Okay, that totally makes sense, because you were acting kind of weird yesterday, a little weird.
- She was acting weird.
- Erratic behavior.
[MEGAN.]
It's okay.
All is forgiven.
Yes, I am pregnant.
That is why I am this way.
Guys, Esther's not Telling anyone just yet.
Um, not until my next semester.
Well, congratulations, Dad? [ESTHER.]
Dad? [HEAVES.]
Sorry.
- Just morning sickness.
- [CHRIS.]
Right.
Of course he's the father.
Right, I'm definitely the dad, and it's all totally new and weird to me.
- Bring it in.
Bring it in! - Get in! [CHRIS.]
Celebrate.
Ohhh! [BENJI.]
I'm so comfortable hugging! What is going on here? Is this consensual? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just getting to know each other.
Turns out, we have a lot more in common than we thought.
I love hugging friends.
Hmm.
[HUSHED VOICE.]
I did not give you permission to have my fictional baby.
Since we've been friends, when have I asked you for permission? Look, Jeff asked us to be grown-ups, and what's more grown up than havin' a baby? I don't know, Esther, maybe thinking ahead to where you're not gonna have a baby, 'cause you're not actually pregnant.
What's your long-term plan, dude? My long-term plan is that we're never gonna see these dorks again, and if we do, worst-case scenario, we'll just say that the baby got stolen by one of those Chinese gymnastic camps.
- That happens all the time.
- No, it doesn't.
- He's behind you! - [CHRIS.]
There's the padre! Hey, Esther, do you mind if we squeeze in some papa talk? Oh, I would love that.
He really needs guidance.
He has a hard time relating to men, so have at him.
That's not true.
- Oh.
- Oh.
So grateful to have gotten her pregnant.
Ahh! So, nervous? I mean, I know I am.
What's your birth plan? Um, the birth plan is that we, uh we're gonna do it.
Oh, I've had stretch marks since I was six years old, so this is nothing new.
It's so nice that you laugh at the things I say now that you know I'm pregnant.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Hey, guys.
What are you talking about? - Oh.
- Um Um, we were just talking about how there's gonna be an eclipse next week, and we really want to go outside and just see what it looks like before to start a baseline.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Wish you could join us, but you hate astrology.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- You won't believe this.
Chris and Benji just left to go canoeing.
Esther and Megan are kind of chummy, too.
I mean, I'm not trying to feel left out, but I kinda do.
Aw.
Well, since it's just the two of us, we could go and have sex in the woods.
I'm sorry.
I mean ahem! I'm sorry that you feel left out.
That's terrible.
But you want to anyway? - Grab that afghan.
- Okay.
[BENJI.]
What a beautiful afternoon, guys.
Chris and I saw a loon on the lake.
It is such a noble bird.
[CHUCKLES.]
What did you two get up to? - Oh, uh yeah.
- Oh, uh we We just went for a walk in the woods.
Took a couple walks, actually.
- Oh, my.
- Like, one walk.
Calm down.
I think I'm gonna do prenatal yoga.
Do you want to join? Oh, my God, I would love to.
I've always wanted to try that kind of class.
- Yay.
- Oh, what kind of class? [ESTHER.]
Oh, well Stop being so inquisitive.
Okay, what's up? What are you guys hiding? Did you break something? Tell me it wasn't the Jacuzzi.
- We should tell her.
- Um She's pregnant! [SQUEALS.]
Oh Oh, God! We're so excited for Esther and Papa Benji! - It's Benji's? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Esther and I, um, engaged in coitus, and my sperm made her pregnant.
That's right.
That's what happened.
Ooookay.
Okay.
So that's what's going on with all the hugging and the loon watching.
Oh, gosh, you know what? I would really love to hear all the details of the conception.
- Wouldn't you guys? - I would! - [TARA.]
Dish! Let's hear it! - [JEFF.]
De-tails! I-I We did it.
I put my reproductive organs inside of - Esther's birth cavity and - [CHRIS GROANS.]
And now she's pregnant with my - That's enough.
- Sorry.
You know what? I think we need to take some pictures of the happy couple.
- Yes! - Oh, we have so many.
- I don't think we have to.
- No, you got to! Patio soft lighting.
Come on.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, you guys, I'm so happy for you.
This is gonna be beautiful.
Life finds a way.
Life really finds a way.
[MOUTHING.]
I'm so sorry.
They're acting like such idiots with your friends.
Are you kidding? This weekend was so boring until they got here.
I mean, they just lied about being pregnant, because You know, I'm actually not quite sure why they lied.
- So you're not mad? - No.
This is the most uncomfortable I've ever seen Benji and Esther.
Let's get over there and make it worse for them.
- I love you.
- I love you.
And it was only once.
All right, these pictures are going everywhere.
Okay? I'm talking Facebook, Instagram, the wall at The Comedy Store.
Yeah? Oh.
Benji, are your hands just hovering over Esther's stomach? You gotta touch it.
That's your kid in there, man.
- Ohh! - So protective! Is it weird that I feel kicking? Sorry.
I usually eat my butterscotch pudding at a lower altitude.
- [TARA LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Benj.
Uh, why don't you get on your knees and talk to your baby? Oh, yeah.
And, um, Esther, you better lift your shirt up so the baby can hear.
Good.
That's a good note.
- [CHRIS.]
We did that.
Classic.
- Look, she's already showing.
- [MEGAN.]
Oh, my God! - Hi, baby.
I'm sorry about what I've done to you genetically.
Okay, that's enough.
Don't want to upset the baby.
Ooh, I got a great idea.
Turn towards each other and touch tummies.
- [CHRIS AND MEGAN.]
Oooh! - Okay.
And you know what, when you do it, you should kiss.
Yes, on the mouth.
We'd love to.
[HOLDING BREATH.]
- She's not pregnant! - I'm not pregnant! What?! Whatever do you mean?! You mean, you guys aren't a couple and this was all bullshit? Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are we doing a movie? I thought we were being real people.
Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.
My friends thought that if they pretended to be pregnant that that would impress you.
Jeff, the only reason we're trying to be real adults is because of you.
If you think about it, the only think gestating here is friendship.
Also, full disclosure, we did break the Jacuzzi.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ESTHER, IN VIDEO.]
That night the train crashed into the circus, killing all the bears.
And then, the bears came back to take revenge on the descendents of the conductor, who is my ancestor.
30 seconds in, and I'm not following the plot.
[BENJI.]
Jeff, it's an art film.
It's about the feeling you walk away from it with.
It's not about your OCD need for structure.
Shh! This is a really good part.
[BENJI.]
A ghost clown bear ate my legs! Aaah! No! No! No! [DUBBED-IN SCREAM.]
I am so glad that I edited that scream in post.
It really elevates my work.
That was good.
Very good.
But I think Big Bear Witch Project's gonna knock that out of the water.
We should hang out with Megan and Chris again before they have a baby and get even more boring.
This should be obvious, but they don't want to see you guys again.
I had a feeling.
I was being sarcastic.
Ahem! Get your popcorn and possibly a diaper.
And prepare yourself for the feature presentation.
- That's us in the woods.
- Mm-hmm.
- [TARA.]
Oh, my God! - [JEFF.]
Okay! Jeff, are you sure this is the right video? Turn it off! Turn it off! Close your eyes! Jeffrey!