Alpha Males (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

Ibizan Herbs

Do we have Biodramina?
It's for Santi. He always gets seasick.
- Okay.
- Here you go.
You're gonna love Ibiza, my love.
The sea, the sun, all that.
You'll connect with your inner self again.
So now you're an expert
on mystical sayings.
Excuse me?
"Let us live
in a rainbow of chaos."
It's so bad, I don't even get it.
Well, it's by Cézanne,
and it means you have to enjoy life
instead of being
the bitter guy you always are.
Patronize me like I'm some clueless
old geezer recovering from a head stroke.
Darling, I try to treat you lovingly
because I know it's been hard.
It's called empathy, you know.
- You must be glad I'm leaving, huh?
- No, it's not that.
But you haven't exactly been Mr. Happy.
- Where's my bag at?
- Must've been Patricia.
- Patricia, why'd you switch my bag?
- Oh, sir, you had too many things packed.
Your toiletry bag
was getting all smushed up.
But this won't fit.
Haven't you seen the inside of a sailboat?
Hmm. No, not the outside either.
Well, no matter.
Iris, you done now?
Bring your plate, come on.
Ulises, finish your cereal, please.
Hey, we're running late. Come on.
- Let's go.
- Hey, hey! Hang on, hang on.
No kiss for Daddy,
who's going away all weekend?
Mmm! Mmm! Love you, hon. Mmm!
- Off you go.
- Come on.
Behave yourself, okay?
No prostitutes, no drug use.
- Then why even go?
- Ha!
You're so irresponsible.
How dare you leave your 16-year-old
daughter home alone all weekend?
Because I actually trust her. Hmm?
And that's why she doesn't hate me.
- She hates both of us.
- Who's she living with?
That's because you don't have rules
or set boundaries.
She's got you wrapped around her finger.
Besides, the hell are you doing in Ibiza?
That place is
for people who still have life ahead
No. What the hell, bro?
Get in, you big disgrace.
- What's with the car?
- My dad let me borrow it.
- Since mine's in the shop.
- Pretty cool, huh?
Does your dad go grocery shopping
in this car?
We're going to Ibiza, my man.
Brought you some pills for your stomach.
Hey, uh, there's no seatbelt.
Right here, like on a plane.
- Hear that baby roar.
- Yeah!
- Who's got the tickets?
- What tickets? Didn't he tell you?
We're driving over to Dénia.
We'll get on a boat and sail to Ibiza.
- Showing off his boating license.
- What?
You guys, you're talking
to a licensed sailboat captain.
Look. What happens
in Aruba stays in Aruba.
Watch the road, come on.
I could host weddings out at sea.
- How long will it take to get to Ibiza?
- Only ten hours of sailing.
Well, if the sea's calm.
So we're gone for four days,
and you wanna spend one entire day
on a boat?
- Two. We gotta come back.
- Huh?
It's an adventure, come on.
Freedom is good for the soul.
We'll be exhausted when we get back.
- You're crazy.
- You should've hired a private jet.
Oh, wait, you can't. You just got fired.
Couldn't we've gone in his SUV instead
of this old hunk-o-junk car?
My God, people are staring at us.
- The SUV's being used by Daniela.
- It's so embarrassing.
She sold off her Mini
to buy some followers.
This thing doesn't even have headrests.
So if we're rear-ended,
we'll just snap our necks.
Santi, relax a little.
You're on vacation with your buddies.
In a vintage Cadillac.
Very vintage. Doesn't have any airbags.
- We're driving this all the way to Dénia?
- No, we'll never make it.
You guys smell something rotting?
- That's the stench of your dying souls.
- Come on, I want music.
- How about Los Rodríguez?
- Los Planetas.
- Rosalía.
- Rosalía?
Get outta my car.
We gonna be stuck
behind this scooter the whole time?
Santi, shut the hell up.
You're getting on my last nerve, man.
We're like Thelma and Louise
and their two foreign cousins.
Come on, how long you gonna take, Yotuel?
No, don't tell me you're on the way
when I can see you're not moving.
God damn, it's cold.
Hey, guys,
let's hit up this foam party, huh?
Hey, ladies, let's keep the party going.
We have a nice boat.
It's super romantic.
- Santi, don't be so damn pathetic, man.
- This guy's pathetic.
And worse, his pathetic-ness
is wearing off on all of us.
We're like those guys who stand
outside schools offering candy to kids.
- Pedophiles.
- That's it.
What happens in Aruba stays in Aruba.
Hey, man, anybody could have a bad night.
We're tired from the journey.
- Who's Nieves?
- This broad from Tinder.
Dude, I think "broad" is,
uh, disrespectful.
Can you maybe try using a different word?
- You and I have used that word forever.
- It does sound a little rude.
Okay, what's happening
with the lady from Tinder?
Go on, go on, hit play.
Hi, Santi.
Uh, well, just wanted to check in.
There's been no sign from you for a while.
How are you? Uh, kisses.
She seems interested.
Santi! Santi!
Are you guys gonna do this every time
I go out with someone?
Hang on, hang on
- Yotuel! Yotuel!
- Last one there's a fruitcake!
That's great. You're a homophobe now.
Leave me alone, okay?
Gotta stop breaking my balls.
- Don't blow things out of proportion.
- No, ma'am. I don't know
Come on, calm down.
Come on, let's talk. Let's talk this over.
No, your husband doesn't appreciate me
anymore. I get everything wrong.
How do you mean?
He called me all angry
because he couldn't open his suitcase up.
He forgot the combination.
Wait, but how is that your fault though?
No, he's had enough of me,
just like my husband.
- Oh, oh, you're divorced. I didn't know.
- Oh, no, I'm not.
We're still together.
he really does appreciate you.
My husband?
But he spends all day drinking at the bar.
No, no, no, no, no. Pedro, Pedro.
You know, he's just going
through a rough time, since
Listen, uh,
don't tell him that I told you.
But, mm, he lost his job.
Oh, no, I can't believe it.
Yes, and it's affected him.
It's affected his self-esteem.
- He's been very sensitive about it.
- Oh, dear Mother Mary of God, of course.
For a man, losing your job
is like having your balls chopped off.
- It's that important to them. Oh!
- Hmm.
Of course, yeah.
Let's pray to St. Jude of Thaddeus,
the patron saint of work.
Yep, very good idea, yes.
Pray, would you?
- I have to get started on a livestream.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes, yes. Oh. Oh.
- I'll see you soon.
But how many more?
All right, five more reps.
You jerk, you're just making it up.
Insult me all you want, but you
gotta straighten your hips like this.
I even went to the gynecologist
thinking I was premenopausal
because I couldn't even get wet.
But one touch
I thought I'd pissed myself. Oh!
Ooh, I love it when this stuff happens.
He's a total moron. But he turns me on.
Hey, are things with Luis bad?
As bad as that?
Not bad, no.
We're together.
Right now my marriage is like a tunnel
with no light at the end.
No ventilation, no emergency exits.
Like a tunnel prison.
What are you gonna do?
- Renew my membership.
- And he likes you back?
How would I know?
My radar stopped working years ago.
I can't read a signal.
Well, I think that you should get laid.
That's what I wanted to hear. Or not
- I don't know. I'm so messed up.
- No, no, no. You're feeling guilty.
But come on. You clearly wanna screw him.
Oh, what a mess.
Why's it have to happen now?
See, exercise is bad for you.
Esther, this life is yours to live,
and it's passing by you.
Just do it,
or your husband'll pay for it later.
- No, I'm the one paying.
- Your frustration.
Luis will come back, and you'll regret
not having gone through with this,
and as soon as Luis does
the tiniest thing to piss you off,
you'll lose it on him,
and he won't understand why.
And your marriage,
which is fucked already,
is gonna get worse and worse,
until one day boom. Exploded.
And then you'll regret all the things
you didn't do over the years,
and you'll never get the time back.
I'm turned on and depressed all at once.
Go fuck the guy.
Oh, we should've brought a beach umbrella.
We're getting real burnt.
- Fucking hell.
- Hey, stop complaining.
- And go get a hammock at the beach bar.
- They cost 30 euros.
Whoever said sleeping on a boat was fun?
Well, just hurry up
and get rid of your hangover.
What hangover? I'm still drunk.
This beach thing is
for fucking pussies, dude.
Raúl, man, when you say "pussies,"
you, mm.
- I can't even say "pussy" anymore?
- You guys ever stop and think how
behind this way of talking to each other
lies deeply sexist ideology?
That's all I need,
to have to think when I'm talking.
We're all depressed and pissy because
last night they served us cheap alcohol.
Cheap booze depresses you.
- Voicemail, voicemail. It's a voicemail.
- Shh! No, hey, this isn't funny.
You calm down.
It's just I saw you listened
to my message, but you didn't reply.
I don't know if it's 'cause you're busy
or just kind of rude
God damn.
Or whatever, so I just wanted
to touch base with you.
Why give her your number
if you're not interested in her?
- No, she's all right, but don't know, man.
- You don't have to answer.
It's called administrative silence.
- It's totally allowed.
- Coconuts and melons for sale!
This fruit's rich in vitamins,
the sexiest vitamins.
Natural Viagra.
- Delicious coconuts and melons for sale!
- Ibiza's not the same.
We just aren't what we used to be.
Yeah, we're too old to go out,
but we're old enough to get cancer.
My God. You know Willy's gonna die soon?
- What?
- Whoa, holy shit.
He's got two months. Cancer in the balls.
We should go and see him.
- And bring him a gift.
- A gift, but why? He's about to die.
It's a nice gesture.
He was a great guy.
Why are you talking in the past tense?
- He's still alive, man.
- Just getting used to the idea.
Oh, hey, is
that testicular cancer thing really fatal?
If they don't catch it, yeah. It's cancer.
Is touching your balls also sexist,
or it's allowed?
If it's for your health, nah.
We've got our health. Let's go celebrate.
Tonight it's Flower Power at Pacha.
What, another party, really?
No. No, we're just gonna stay
on the boat and order some pizzas.
Hold on, that's not a bad idea.
And we could save a little cash.
You fucking kidding?
Mmm! Pizza was a great idea.
It looks, hmm, very good.
You guys are seriously making this
the shittiest weekend ever.
Come on, take a shot of Ibizan herbs.
- But why drink if we're staying here?
- Dude, you're ruining the party.
What party? We're not having a party.
- We're having fun, messing around, huh?
- Hmm.
Need I remind you
I'm the captain of this boat? Drink up.
- Don't if you don't wanna.
- He won't listen.
Fuck me.
What is it now?
Santiago, our daughter hasn't
answered any of my calls all day.
Maybe something's happened to her.
- What if the gasman rapist attacked her.
- Who?
A guy who pretends
to be checking the gas, then he rapes you.
Blanca, where do you get this shit?
The WhatsApp group chat.
But you,
you just avoid all your responsibilities.
Blanca, I talked to Álex earlier,
and she's fine.
You're lying.
- Send a screenshot of the call.
- Sending you a screenshot.
Can I finish my dinner now?
Thanks a lot.
Dude, why the hell did
you marry that insane girl?
Even worse is that he's still
in love with her.
I'm over this shit.
Then why is your phone PIN
still your wedding date?
- Because it's an old phone.
- Change it if you've got the balls.
No, I'd forget it.
Leave me alone, dude.
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
How dare you just ignore me!
I thought you were different,
but you're the same old piece of shit.
- Speed it up. She sent you a podcast.
- Too scared to talk?
If you don't like me, tell me.
That's the least you can do
for someone who spent time on you.
Something no one else seems to do.
You seemed so sad about losing your wife.
- You should always reply. Shh!
- I should've punched you in the face!
Hi there, Nieves, what's up?
Listen, um
I'm really sorry.
It's just that, uh, I had a family thing.
Uh, my mother got a blood clot
in her left leg, yes.
And the vaccine, the booster maybe
Don't stop that! Hey, come on!
Where have you been?
Looking for a urologist
'cause my ball is swollen.
It could be fluid retention
from last night.
Great class, guys.
Fucking spinning, my God!
So what brought you back here?
You bigorexic?
No, I've been really stressed.
I said, listen,
instead of stewing in my anxiety,
it's better to sweat it out and die.
All right. Hey, you wanna get a drink?
I got some left.
No, I meant, go out, like, for a beer?
No. I mean, uh, yes. No.
But, uh, let me shower?
Oh, yeah, after a spinning class,
you've sure earned it.
What a bummer, man. First, you're fired.
Now you've got cancer.
We still don't know if it's cancer.
Hey, you think
hair implants survive chemotherapy?
You got false hair?
See, we don't tell each other anything.
I inject myself with testosterone now.
- Why?
- 'Cause I couldn't get it up.
Does it make it thicker,
or you notice anything?
I give out more fines.
The other day,
I busted these kids drinking.
- On my own.
- Great. Now we're opening up.
- Letting it all out. Great.
- That's not opening up.
It's the same as me telling you
I go to the tanning salon.
You go to a salon?
That is super gay.
That's pretty homophobic.
Yeah, a few times,
so I wouldn't come here all pale.
- Esther uses sugarcane juice for that.
- That shit really fades your skin.
You end up turning orange.
Sugarcane juice?
That's some pussy shit, man.
That's sexism and androcentrism.
You little bitch,
cut it out with that shit.
See? Dude, it's like you
don't even realize it.
Santi, I'm gonna throw you overboard.
I swear.
Well, it's for your own good.
It's about adapting to the sensitivity
of the current times, okay?
No, but if I can't say what I want
in front of my buddies,
that's it, I'm out.
Well, my "buddies."
Because I'm still waiting on one of you
to come through
and help me with my restaurant.
Hmm. Keep waiting, bro.
You know I'm a police officer,
so I can't have my own business.
It's not allowed.
And until I manage
to get a diagnosis for my balls.
Well, this is the last time I organize
a vacation for you fucking pussies.
It's off to my bunk now.
"For you fucking pussies."
You guys hear it, huh?
We do, Santi. We do.
Come on, let's clear this table now.
Hey, did you know that a gin and tonic
contains 450 calories?
That's why you invited me here,
so I'd stay a gym member.
Well, yes.
And so so I could see you again.
Uh, get me another, hmm?
Going to the bathroom.
Esther, now you go home.
You grab the Satisfyer, and
Is it charged?
Oh, shit!
Damn it!
Oh! Why are you here?
No, no, no, no. Not here, no.
Well, where to, then?
Who's that?
You crying in there?
Open up, come on.
What's wrong?
The party's over, dude.
This is the first time
I haven't had fun here.
This is the first time
you haven't gotten laid here.
Same thing. I fucked up with Luz.
But why'd you two split up?
Seemed like you were doing great.
Luz wanted an open relationship.
It's a secret, okay?
I don't understand.
What's the difference?
You were already cheating on her anyhow.
I was cheating, not her.
How do you know?
My Luz? Go cheat on me? Hey, fuck you!
What are you doing? I do boxing.
You mixed the glass bottles
with organic waste.
- Fucking bastard!
- What's going on?
- She's there all day.
- Yeah, what about her?
Hey, hey, hey, guys!
Take it easy. Come on.
Get off me, man. Careful with my balls!
- What happened?
- I've had enough of this shitty vacation.
Next time I'm gonna bring a broad with me.
And then tomorrow another 14 hours
back to Dénia.
No, it's not ten hours, okay?
It's not ten.
It's 14 hours at least, Captain Magellan!
What if we go back by plane?
We gotta bring back the boat.
Can't you just leave it somewhere else,
like an electric scooter?
You're not bailing on us.
We came to this place together.
Going back together.
You're trying to leave me here
all alone, you sons of bitches.
You're all fucked up. You're fucked up!
"Sons of bitches" is sexist too.
God damn, he won't stop. He can't stop.
- Oh, God.
- You get over here right now.
Can you just leave?
You talk
to your mother like that?
- I don't live with you anymore.
- That's why you're living here.
You can do whatever,
and your loser father won't care.
- What's going on?
- What was bound to happen, Santiago.
Your daughter's here having sex
while you're out making a fool
of yourself in Ibiza.
Why does Mom have keys to the house, Dad?
In case of an emergency
or I'm on vacation, hmm?
On vacation? But you never go anywhere.
Where the hell do you think I've been?
Are you even gonna respond to this?
Our daughter is turning
your shithole apartment into a whorehouse.
Blanca, I already knew, and you know why?
Because my daughter tells me things, hmm?
And I think Álex
is certainly mature enough
to embrace her sexuality
however the hell she wants.
Besides, I'd prefer she do stuff here
than out there in the
Excuse me.
Álex, could you
hand me my T-shirt? I'm gonna go.
Weren't you a lesbian?
Who's a lesbian?
- God, Dad.
- What? Huh? No.
Do you mind explaining to me please
what the hell is going on in this house?
Can't tell you about it now.
I'm very tired from the trip.
- I'll tell you tomorrow, okay? Let's go.
- Tomorrow we'll send her to get tested.
For AIDS, hepatitis C, papillomavirus.
Good thing I made her get vaccinated, huh?
Send me a WhatsApp message.
We'll talk tomorrow, all right? Now go.
- I just knew it.
- No, come on.
I knew it was a terrible idea
for her to live with you.
- You Tinder pervert.
- Well, she signed me up.
What did you just say?
Santiago, open the goddamn door!
- Well, nice to meet you, sir.
- Yes, nice to meet you too.
No, wait up.
Why not stay here, the two of us
We can talk about it a bit.
Just sit down for ten minutes.
Here. Sit down here. No, go.
Sit down. That's great.
Eh great, all right.
So you used a condom?
There's an uptick in syphilis.
Uh, Ultra Thin XL.
That brand's certified, huh?
Santiago, open the door!
Hey, Dad, what did you do to Nieves?
She undid the match.
- She messaged me, but I couldn't reply.
- Dad, you can't just go around ghosting.
Uh, what's that mean?
Ignoring people.
Uh, no, no, uh, really.
I'm gonna message her when I have time.
Ooh! Hurry up!
In an hour, you're meeting up with Nagore.
Fun time girl, very spiritual.
- But down to earth.
- No. Hey.
Not now, please. I can't now.
I'm just so worn out
from this trip, you know.
- Then drink some ginseng.
- My tachycardia.
I'm leaving.
Store's gonna close. We'll talk tomorrow.
Hey, honey, uh
- Your mom was kind of right.
- Mm.
It's not okay
to bring people back here, no.
- Hey, Dad, are you a modern guy or not?
- Hmm.
From time to time. Mm.
Can I go now?
How is my gorgeous prince?
Feeling refreshed, hon?
Suitcase's broken. Patricia!
Shh! Don't yell at her.
She was gonna leave us.
- She thinks you don't like her anymore.
- Me?
I think she's all right,
but I never really liked her.
- I don't like most people.
- Okay.
Well, guess what.
I've acquired some haters.
It started when I wanted
to make Patri feel better,
and I posted this. Look.
Come here, come here.
Okay, okay.
I've been called everything.
I'm a snob. I'm racist.
But then, my Danielers came through
and defended me, and it all kicked off.
- What's wrong?
- Um
It's just one of my testicles is swollen,
and it's worrying me a whole lot.
Pedro, it's enormous.
That's what I told you.
It has such a bizarre shape,
kind of like an organic potato.
Does it hurt?
- Don't squeeze it. Don't squeeze my ball.
- Oh!
Come on.
Put your pajamas on
and brush your teeth, okay?
- Go on.
- Hello, lovely family.
Bet you all missed me, huh?
- Daddy!
- Hi, Dad!
Oh! Oh, you little monsters.
What? What you up to?
We just went to see Hotel Transylvania 5.
Oh, that's great.
That's great. You want dinner?
Oh, dinner. They've eaten so much popcorn.
- Ah.
- Come on, tomorrow's a school day. Go on.
That's even better.
We can eat, just the two of us.
Come here.
Uh-uh. Go ahead.
Why'd you
I'm so very lucky
to have you, Esther.
Because I've been hanging out
with the guys,
and, well, one guy is annoyed
with his influencer girlfriend.
The other's messing around on Tinder,
and Raúl
he's distraught about Luz.
As for us, well, we have our moments,
of course, but we really love each other.
Yeah, we really love each other.
Sometimes it's good to step back
so you can appreciate
what you've got, right?
I don't know, like, uh,
like a painter and their painting, hmm?
Yes. I don't know.
It's just
I'm still inside the painting.
Hi, I'm here. Sorry.
You're here alone?
Yes, because we don't need
to change anything.
I accept the open relationship.
- Oh.
- Are you sure?
I am, yeah, but I'll need rules.
Rodrigo, can we have a moment?
No problem.
I'm gonna go tackle some paperwork.
- No, you're the witness.
- To what?
The open relationship agreement.
Can you write this down?
I'll do it.
All right, I can make
a notarized certificate for you,
but you won't be able to register it.
It doesn't matter. Do it.
Well, go ahead.
First of all, no repeat partners.
- And if you like it?
- That's when it turns into a relationship.
Well, he has a point, you know.
All right then, no repeats.
Second and most important.
Don't sleep with people we know.
That I agree with.
And before you go and have sex,
give me 48 hours' notice.
No, not that.
You lose a bit of that spontaneity.
And never bring them over.
And always with protection.
All right, four rules. Anything else?
No, no, no.
Okay, this goes to the notary.
They'll print it and give us a copy.
I swear, you're the luckiest man
in the world.
I know I forgot something.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
I made some juice for you.
Pineapple, there was a great discount.
Very cheap.
Thank you, Patricia.
I brought an image of St. Jude of Thaddeus
for you to carry in your wallet.
- Uh, for what?
- To help you find a
A little balance in your life,
which is always very important, huh? Hmm?
She's so religious. It's cute, right?
Fuck, you can't get in
to see a specialist
even if you're paying for it, huh?
Don't worry.
I looked into your thing on Instagram.
- Uh, what?
- Many people laughed at you.
But I heard back
from a urologist in Madrid.
Also, someone who can heal you
with online Reiki,
but you'd have to sit on the router.
Go with the urologist.
But hang on I just I mean, is it
necessary to post about my testicles?
So Dr. Verdaguer tells us that
if the swelling doesn't hurt,
normally it isn't serious.
Can you send him a photo?
- Well, no.
- But why not?
I don't want my scrotum doing the rounds.
I was gonna send him a DM.
I'm just trying to help you.
Honey, you can post whatever you want,
but leave me out of it.
What should I tell the Reiki lady?
Come on.
So I won't discuss my divorce.
That's a typical misstep
that guys do on the first date, huh?
But, uh, you gotta think positively.
I guess my marriage wasn't a big failure.
Not really, because we've got
this wonderful kid we're co-parenting,
and you know, my ex,
we do get along, really.
She has still has
the keys to my place.
How good is this Ribeira wine?
Another bottle?
Hmm. For me, no. I'm still completely
intoxicated with those Ibizan herbs.
No, come on, man.
I've still got this meal to eat.
Hey, waiter!
Anyway, in the end,
the universe
does favor the bravest ones, right?
So I gotta take control of my life,
and here I am, having dinner with you.
- Uh.
- You're a great guy.
- You talk too much, but you're great.
- Yeah, I like you too, Nagore.
All right!
Can I have a to-go box for my dog at home?
Hey, honey, home sweet home, ba
Holy shit, what a way to welcome me back.
- You look spectacular.
- No, I'm about to leave.
- What do you mean, leave?
- Yes, got a date now.
With who?
- Raúl, with a friend.
- Now?
This isn't gonna work.
Uh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm sorry.
I also have a date with a girl. Huh?
It's just that
since tonight's my first night back,
I thought we'd be here celebrating
this act of bravery
and trust in each other.
You enjoy, my love. See you tomorrow.
Oh, you're staying over?
- I don't know.
- And the advanced notice?
No, we decided not to.
There are chicken fillets in the fridge.
I really should've insisted on that.
I don't know about this, okay, Álex?
- I do not like this Nagore lady.
- So why are you at her place?
Well, I'm accompanying her.
She's so drunk, and come on.
What if she stumbled into some criminal
or ran into the gasman rapist, hmm?
Who's that?
- Wait
- Got some gin for you.
My uncle makes it out in the country.
- I'll see you soon, okay? Bye.
- Who were you talking to?
- Hmm?
- Are you married, asshole?
No. No, no, no.
To to my daughter. She's feeling bad.
Okay? So I think it's best if I go.
But you didn't say anything
about having a daughter.
Uh, no, I told you.
I said this at dinner, Nagore.
That's right. Now I remember.
Well, let's drink to our new relationship.
- Hmm?
- Hmm.
Come here.
What's the matter?
You're still very soft.
Yes, like I said,
I'm a bit worried about my daughter,
and it'd be better
if we waited till we both felt fresh.
- Is it 'cause you don't like me?
- No, no, it's not that.
What the hell is wrong with me?
- Another guy rejects me.
- Hmm? No, no, no, no, listen, uh
Hmm, let's go to the kitchen,
have a coffee?
- A tea?
- No, no, no.
- Uh
- Coffee, no.
- I'm gonna pee.
- Hmm, okay.
No, don't go, wait.
Just wait here with me.
Just keep me company here.
- What?
- You stay here with me.
Here, give me your hand.
- No. No, no.
- Give me your hand.
I'm calling my ex.
- Uh, now?
- Yeah.
I'll call him from your phone.
I don't have a signal.
No, don't.
What are you gonna tell him this late?
Something that's
super important.
Aitor, it's me. Don't hang up.
Please, listen.
- I'll be out there, okay?
- No, don't.
Aitor, did you ever love me at all?
Respond to the question I asked you,
Aitor. Did you ever love me at all?
Of course he did, okay?
- Of course he did. Shh!
- Aitor. Aitor, Ai
He hung up the phone. He hung up the
He's seeing a new woman.
- No. Shh.
- Yes, he's with someone.
- No, no, no. Shh, hey, shh!
- Oh, oh, God.
Okay, listen to me, huh?
Hey, I'll take you to bed, okay?
I don't really wanna have sex right now.
No, me neither.
Look, the hardest
thing's starting over, huh?
It's been a pleasure, huh?
- Oh, my God.
- You get some rest now.
I, uh, Sebas, Sebas, Sebas.
Can you do me a favor?
Let's see. Can you move a bit closer?
- Like
- No, a bit more.
Uh, hmm, uh, turn a bit.
Crouch down.
- Crouch down. I can't quite see.
- Wait. Let's see if I can
There. I can see better there.
Yes, that's it.
And, uh, well, how come
how come you follow Daniela?
Oh, my boyfriend and I,
we love her yoga videos.
Oh. How great.
You got a flashlight
to light your scrotum from behind,
so I can see it in the light?
Well, no, no.
I don't have a flashlight right now, no.
Okay, that's fine. You've got a hydrocele.
Do you horseback ride?
- Oh, sorry.
- Knock on the door!
But my hands are full.
- Where you going, woman?
- Darling.
- Your parents are downstairs.
- My parents?
Well, this is just wonderful, hon.
You finally have
a beautiful house you deserve.
You got an alarm here?
Because the way Spain's going,
in a few years, we'll all need bodyguards.
Come on, we have 24-hour security, Dad.
- See?
- Those guards will turn on you.
The bastards are
in cahoots with the mafia.
- The mafia.
- Must cost a lot to warm this.
It's aerothermal heating.
- Aerothermal.
- Show me the kitchen now.
- And you, go see the garage.
- Why would I go to the garage?
Well, then go sit in the garden.
It's nice out.
- Put your hat on.
- What's to see in the garden?
She's obsessed with my hat,
this woman, fixated on my damn hat!
Oh, how beautiful!
Oh, it's got an island as well.
- I'm overjoyed, but a bit sad too.
- Hmm.
- Uh, but why?
- For your brother.
If you could find him some work.
It could really be anything at all.
Well, now isn't
the best time to be pulling strings, Mom.
- Would you like a drink now?
- No, I wanted to ask you a favor.
Because you're
you're probably wondering
why have my parents come
to see me all of a sudden?
- To come see the house.
- That too, but no.
Listen. Hmm, we've been thinking we want
to stay out in Estepona, to live there.
Of course.
Don't know why you're still here.
And and your dad's always had
this dream of of owning a sailboat.
- Not a Harley?
- No, the Harley.
I finally got him to get over that.
The sailboat, the sailboat.
He's crazy about the sailboat.
And look here at what we've just found.
It's secondhand, my love. Look here.
Measures 12 meters long.
It's a 2015 model. It's 85,000 euros.
- You have that much saved up?
- Hmm. No, we don't, but you do.
Uh, Mama,
while the boat sounds great and all,
you know,
you'll only use the thing twice a year,
and the living quarters
No, no, no. It's so he can go out fishing.
I can't stand him.
I just can't. He's become unbearable.
What sadistic son of a bitch came up
with the concept of retirement?
But, Ma, Dad's always been that way.
No, no, no, no, he's getting very old.
And you don't have to live with him.
He's already lost three
of his hearing aids.
Mariví recovered two of them
in the filter of our Dyson.
And the other, who on earth knows?
We probably sat on it.
And they're 2,000 euros, each of them.
You do the math.
Yeah, yeah. I'll cover that for you.
But you know, 85,000 euros,
Mama, that's a lot of hearing aids.
I know. You've been doing so well.
Can't put a price
on the happiness of your mother.
I've been watching for a while,
and the security guard hasn't passed by.
Yeah, she changed her mind.
She loves me, can't live without me.
Knew it all along.
Esther has also been more affectionate
since we got back.
Going on vacation works miracles.
Hey, uh, and what about your thing, dude?
Nothing, false alarm. It was a hydrocele.
A what?
Sounds like a mythical beast
with multiple heads.
- An accumulation of liquid in the scrotum.
- That's what I said.
No, it's simply
your body's natural reaction
to society's continuous attack
on your masculinity, hmm?
You attack the balls,
and they get inflamed.
And why are you looking at me?
Because you're a sellout.
You're on the other team now. Infiltrator.
He's the infiltrator.
He injects testosterone.
No, come on, you can't attack someone
for opening up.
It's, like, a very courageous thing to do.
No, courage is keeping
your goddamn mouth shut,
not involving your friends.
We fucked up on that trip to Ibiza.
And you're a dirty chauvinist.
You're a prick who thinks you're modern
because your kid put you on Tinder.
It's just that the best way to score is
by going to bars, not on social networks.
And you're neo-archaic.
- What's that?
- Nothing.
He learned four new words
he's trying to show off.
Well, I think we were happier
when we just shot the shit.
Women are the ones
who like talking about their misery.
You know who we need in our group?
- A gay guy.
- Right.
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