American Dad s01e01 Episode Script


Shut up, Steve.
l have a term paper due.
Oh, yeah, right.
Community college.
Big girl.
Think that diploma'll land you a better section waitressing at Olive Garden? - Will you hit puberty before you're 14? - Why, you wanna do it? You're sick.
Steve, you've only got one sister.
Be nice.
And, Hayley, Steve's big-boy hair won't come in any faster with you taunting him.
Oh, Francine, Liebchen, l love the way you rule with an iron fist.
Perhaps you would stick your naughty pinkie finger into mein bowl und let me feel you.
- Klaus, l don't think - You're right.
When the kids are gone.
You cannot borrow the car! You think you'd be more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.
lf the ClA found out you lived here, we'd have our memories erased.
Did you see Memento? lt's not as good the second time.
You are not allowed to leave the house! For God's sake.
l just wanna pick up a pack of smokes.
Have you contacted your home planet yet? l was gonna do it yesterday, but l got distracted.
VH1 was running this I Love the '80s marathon.
Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? Somehow it's hard to take him as seriously.
Hey, Francine, did you get those Pecan Sandies l asked for? Roger, l'm sorry.
l was at the market yesterday and l forgot.
- Pretty sure l asked for Pecan Sandies.
- l'll pick some up this afternoon.
Be careful out there.
We're at terror alert orange, meaning something might go down in some way at some point in time, so look sharp! lt's great you and your ClA buddies have a system to keep the masses paralysed in fear.
You like shaving your armpits? Cos if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go.
lt's just toast, Dad.
This time it was toast, Hayley.
This time.
lt's OK.
This one'll be mine.
How's it going with that gal on the lacrosse team l picked out for you? Actually, l've decided to go for the brass ring.
Today l'm asking out Lisa Silver - head cheerleader and future Mrs Steve Smith.
Yeah, l like the sound of that.
Steve Smith.
That's my boy.
You hear that? Tell Steve how many girls l dated in high school.
- l didn't meet you till college.
- But l told you.
Steve, l sure hope she says yes.
Don't worry, she won't turn you down.
You're a Smith and a Smith always gets his girl.
Resist him, Francine.
Resist him! You and l are meant to be.
Happy hour! lsn't Lisa Silver way out of your league? Hayley, don't bury him before he's dead.
l think you got a shot, Steve.
As long as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt.
Don't everybody help at once.
My goodness, Roger.
When was the last time you weighed yourself? We can't all look like the anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies.
l'm sorry, Roger, but l'm putting you on a diet.
Starting today, no more junk food.
What? No, not my Frankenberries.
Francine, please be reasonable.
Oh, God.
l've got a bear claw in my ass.
So that's two million halogen lamps and 500,000 coffee tables.
- Thanks.
- What was that all about? We signed lKEA to furnish lraq.
The whole country will look like your first apartment.
l like this.
lt fits with our hip 20-something lifestyle.
Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on! Now, how about a beer? Check out what l bought online.
lt's a pencil, and the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper.
- Best 40 bucks l ever spent.
- You're in a good mood today.
- You bet.
My kid's asking out a cheerleader.
- Steve? That's right.
He's just like his old man.
Hey, Marcus.
Check this out.
The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper.
He thought it was funny.
There she is.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, l have a fully developed woman to conquer.
- Lisa Silver? Dude, you're a madman.
- Thank you, Snot.
lt is a beautiful day for love, Toshi.
Thank you.
You're cool with chicks.
You're cool with chicks.
Hi, Lisa.
Did that hurt so good? lt's Steve.
Steve Smith.
Remember me? lt'll come to you.
Hey, wanna go out Friday night? - lt's OK, baby.
l can handle this.
- Yeah, baby.
How could she just reject me like l was a nobody? - Hey, l love your dog.
- Thanks.
Wanna come to my apartment and pet my schnauzer? Then we can play with this dog.
Wait a minute.
That's it! l just need to get a dog and women will be all over my jock.
ln other news, the White House was stunned when President Bush received a phone call from God.
Hey, George, it's God.
- Wow! Hey, how you doing? - Good.
Doing good.
Hey, listen.
Big favour.
ls there any way that you could kind of, from now on, downplay our relationship a little more in your public addresses? - What do you mean? - Well, l mean l'll just give you an example.
Comments like, ''God wanted me to be president''.
That would be an example of maybe something to just keep to yourself.
Just to kind of distance yourself from me a bit more.
- Sure, if you want.
- Great.
That's Cheney.
l gotta take it.
Yes, sir? And on Wall Street, the Dow was down again.
Dad! Get off me! l have to study for my term paper.
- You know the procedure.
- You never search Steve.
l love you, but Steve is not a left-wing liberal who l tried to raise properly but - What's this? - lt's a pack of gum.
All right, it's gum.
Hey, champ.
When's your big date? - She was out sick.
- That's OK.
You'll get her tomorrow.
Hey, listen, Mom, Dad, can l have a dog? Absolutely not.
lt's enough with an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German.
Oh, Francine.
l can see your SchmutzpIƤttchen.
Sorry, no dog.
l'm more than happy to get you an Etch-a-Sketch.
- Mom.
- Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea.
lt might teach Steve the responsibility he'll need for when he one day joins the army.
- Are you contemplating the military? - Thinking about it.
Did somebody order a brand-new dog? Oh, sweet, Dad.
You're the best.
What the hell is that? lt's a dog.
Oh, my God.
- He can barely stand up.
- Well, of course.
He's 19.
Stan, honey.
Didn't the pound have any younger dogs? This dog has character.
He was around for the Reagan administration.
He knows how things are supposed to be.
Oh, dammit! He's gonna pee.
No, no, no! Nope.
Just dust.
Hey, dumb-ass! Your dog's half-dead.
Hear that? That girl talked to me and l didn't even have to talk to her first.
Come on, Thor.
Let's go cruise the mall.
Francine, you are one lucky lady.
You can do anything you want to this body because you married it.
Hope you don't take this for granted.
No potato chips, no cupcakes.
Francine, l'm gonna hawk a loogie in your Oil of Olay.
- Where's your machete? - Honey lf l die, you must protect the clan.
Osama, is that you? Gee, Stan.
What gives? Holy Toledo.
You killed your son's dog.
And don't ask me to bring him back with that ET finger thing because that's a load of crap.
God, please watch over the soul of this dog and carry him to heaven.
Because he sure as hell can't walk.
He's dead.
- Amen.
- That was beautiful, honey.
l used to have a dog.
And legs.
And arms.
l was an Olympic skier before the ClA switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
What were we supposed to do? Let East Germany win gold? Not on my watch.
Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics agreed to gun control.
You know what l have to say to that? - l thought l was going to fart.
- This sucks.
Now l'm never gonna get a girl.
- Wait, is that why you wanted the dog? - Yes, sir.
You don't need a dog when your dad is the greatest ladies' man of all time.
Come on.
Girls love a guy who can protect them.
l'll pretend l'm a thief and snatch her purse.
Chase me, tackle me and win her heart.
- Got it? - Got it, Dad.
My mom almost caught me throwing up - Hey, my purse! - Don't worry, young lady.
Hey, you! Come back here.
OK, l got a little carried away.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, babe.
A guy at the restaurant sent his meat loaf back cos of a hair.
But it's cool because it was mine.
Picnic? - l can't.
l have this paper due.
- Bummer.
Well, you know what Shakespeare said.
l mean, l don't, but l'm sure you do.
See you.
- Chilling with Jeff? Sounds like fun.
- Yeah, but this is due tomorrow.
Hayleykins, obviously l can't leave the house.
But if you supply me with Twinkies, Ho Hos, any of your basic white-trash foodstuffs that your mom won't let me have, l'll write your paper for you.
What do you know about Crime and Punishment?.
That the suffering of man is both necessary and useful, as revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption.
You got a deal.
Sorry about that.
Once every seven hours, like clockwork.
Oh, my God.
Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house? She is here of her own free will because she wants dinner with Steve.
- Hilary, could you pass the salt? - Pass him the salt.
As l was saying, student body elections are next week and l have personally been wedgied by both candidates.
Hear that, Hilary? Looks like you're a winner with Steve.
Help me! You can't go around abducting people just because you're ClA.
Look out for the mines! - What did l just say? You heard me.
- You said, ''Look out for the mines''.
l didn't have this problem getting girls when l was his age.
A little observation.
Steve isn't like you.
You're a powerful guy.
Women are attracted to power and Steve doesn't have any.
That's it.
l'll rig the school election and make him student body president.
- Wow, can you do that? - Rigging elections is my bread and butter.
You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.
The key to fixing any election is to cast doubt on your opponent.
Vote Shelly for student body president.
Shelly for president.
Sure, vote for Shelly - if you don't mind voting for a prostitute! - What? - Don't play coy, you cardiganed jezebel.
l have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack in the Box man.
- Jack in the Box man? He's not even human.
- Sick.
- ls that really the Jack in the Box man? - Yeah, he's in our basement.
- You know, l got an A on that paper.
- My pleasure.
Got anything else? Poli sci.
Know anything about Henry Kissinger? l know he's Jewish, but if you get me some churros l could stretch that into 12 pages.
Hey, Steve.
Why, thank you, Lisa.
Say, l was thinking - Maybe you and l could - Go out? l'd love to.
Yes! Oh, my God.
Score, score, score, score, score.
- Women love a man with power.
- You were right, Dad.
Sorry to interrupt.
l was gonna take a shower, but we're all out of Prell.
- Do you mind picking some up? - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, Steve.
Kudos on the bee-yatch.
- Man, your stream is so powerful.
- Thanks.
- l wish your locker wasn't by the boys' room.
- Yeah, me too.
Then again, l am student body president.
- What's the meaning of this? - Principal Lewis, l'm taking your office.
Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High statute 39F, quote: ''The president may acquisition any room in school for the purpose of conducting school business.
'' You can read! The system works! l'll be back for my stuff.
You're amazing, Steve.
l'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out.
This is it.
l have absolute power.
Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot? Welcome.
As you must've heard, l have been elected student body president.
As such, l can do anything l want.
And l want to ride the buffalo.
Yes! l'm riding the buffalo.
Send in the lunch lady.
The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough.
Take it back! - You're the greatest boyfriend ever.
- l'm just getting started.
Bobby, get here.
l want my Shazam! shirt dry-cleaned by third period.
Oh, and another thing.
All periods will now be called ''Steves''.
- l'm cutting third Steve.
You in? - As long as l'm back by fourth Steve.
A statement should always be followed by a Steve.
Mr Phillips, may l be excused? l'm having my Steve.
Hayley, you are the best.
Now, what else have we got here? Chocodiles.
Haven't tried those.
Oh, my God.
How good are these? - Dangerous.
- How's my paper? lt's due tomorrow.
- Got it under control, Hayley.
Do not worry.
- OK.
By the way, Hayley.
Oh, my God.
These Chocodiles.
These Chocodiles, Hayley.
Oh, my God.
These Chocodiles.
Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
They're good.
Back to work.
- l'm on it.
Oh, no! Hayley! Hayley! Wake up.
l had a sugar crash and l fell asleep and l didn't do the paper.
- What? lt's due in two hours! - l know.
l know, l'm a douche bag.
But the important thing now is to find a way to buy more ti Holy frijoles, l got an idea.
Under the circumstances, we can give you another few days for your paper.
Thank you, Mr Goodwin.
- These chocolate lockers were a great idea.
- Mine has nut clusters.
No problem.
l am a river to my people.
Hope you're enjoying the computer lab now l've disabled the porn blocker.
- l never knew Todd's mom had a website.
- Pretty sexy, huh? Sure is, Todd.
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
- What are you doing? - What? l'm kissing my woman.
l like the perks of dating the school president, but l'm not gonna kiss you.
l mean, l'm beautiful and you're repulsive.
- But l thought you liked me.
- Yeah.
You were supposed to.
Attention! There is a new school policy.
Anyone caught holding hands, hugging or swapping saliva will be expelled from school permanently.
lt's too risky right now.
l'll come back tonight.
- This is Stan Smith.
- l'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
This is the gay call.
l've been ready for this for years.
lt's just that he's gone mad with power.
He evacuated the school and barricaded himself in my office.
l see.
Henry! Antidote! Hey! How did the dead dog work out? Did it buy us some time? - He gave me till Monday.
- Great.
Here's my list.
That was too close a call.
l'm gonna do my own work.
- What? But where am l gonna get my fix? - Not my problem.
You can't do it alone, you don't have the skills.
You're not smart enough! Somebody'll clean that up.
- Steve, this is your father.
- Get out of here, Dad.
l'm not coming out.
- l'm going in.
Keep talking to him.
- Be careful, honey.
Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo.
- Oh! Are you all right? - l'm fine.
lt's OK.
- l just meant to brush you lightly.
- l know.
- l guess l don't know my own strength.
- Go get Steve, honey.
Steve, it's Mommy.
Listen, honey, you're not alone.
When l was your age, l had a huge crush on someone too.
Mr Feeny, my algebra teacher.
Such a cute man with a neat little beard.
Of course, he didn't take me seriously.
But that all changed when his wife found me in their closet cutting myself and sniffing his T-shirts.
- What are you doing? - Stopping you from making a huge mistake.
l told the police we were lovers.
He either killed himself or he's in jail or For God's sake, l got him! Wanna talk about it, champ? Dad, Lisa only liked me because l was school president.
She thinks l'm repulsive.
The worst part of it is she's right.
l promise you, and this comes from years of experience, women are never right.
l was crazy to think any girl could ever like me.
Look at me.
l am repulsive.
No, you're not.
Look, son, Roger was right.
You're not like me.
You're not as good-looking or as strong, or as good sexually Wait.
He killed himself in jail.
Dammit, we're having a moment here! Son, l'm gonna show you something l've never shown anyone before.
- That's me when l was your age.
- You were hideous! Certainly not the stallion l am today.
The point is, you'll be fine.
You're chock-full of potential.
Thanks, Dad.
But l don't wanna face Lisa Silver.
l got you covered.
Hello, lNS? Hey, is this Nick? Hey, Nick, it's Stan.
Hey, what's going on? Hey, how did that wire tap on your wife work out? Oh.
Sorry about that.
Better your brother than some stranger.
Right! Moving on, moving on.
Say, could you do me a huge favour? You know the Silver family at 419 Elm? - Yeah, let's deport them.
- You're the best, Dad.
Great stew, Francine.
The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken beef ship.
Steve, you're awfully quiet.
Are you upset about what happened at school? l'm fine with that.
l just wish l was smoother with the ladies.
OK, Melissa.
So l'll meet you at the arcade tomorrow after school.
- Thanks for the help.
- My pleasure.
But if you expect to get any boob, l'm gonna need a buttload of Twinkies.
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